It's time to get real, ladies. Time to get real on a subject that I'm not really sure I want to talk about, mostly because I'm afraid to. It's a feeling that we all get now and then, but we let it breeze slowly by unacknowledged. This is a subject, a feeling, that I didn't even realize I belonged to until this last week. It's dangerous. It's a change. It's a conversation that goes against the status quo of my own life...
It's the spiritual battle going on behind Purity rings.
I have one. I love that ring. In fact, it's the second purity ring I've gone through, because I found one for myself when I was younger in a box of old jewelry, and then my parents bought me a new one later on. I really value that ring, wearing it on my left ring finger like a crown, never taking it off for anything.
On my right hand, I've almost always worn a Claddagh ring. For those of you who don't know, this is a traditional Irish ring that has a lot of deep, positive meaning to it. It symbolizes love, friendship, and loyalty. And it also reveals your relationship status depending on how you wear it.
These rings stand for something meaningful, beautiful, and near and dear to my heart. They always will. They both hold memories of life, love of my family, love of Christ. I would never dream of letting them go.
But lately, just like with anything in life, my mind has been corrupting the symbolism of these two rings.
You know, Satan has a funny way of twisting just about everything. He can take the most pure and beautiful things, and cause them to fade and rust. He even tried (and failed) to tempt Jesus by using his crafty spinning thread that weaves lies together in the blink of an eye (Matthew 4:1-11). One moment you're on top of the world. In the next, once he gets ahold of you, you could be in the depths of despair. It's all a matter of perspective.
And lately, my perspective has been way off.
The final, eye opening, 180 turn around happened a week ago on one particular morning. But that was just the end of an ongoing climax, beginning with the stroke of midnight the night before...
Because that night, at midnight, I turned 20 years old.
Most people would have been celebrating at that point. It's a whole new decade of life! It means you've left the awkward teenage years behind for good! You can finally be counted as an actual, non-youth affiliated adult!
Or, at least, that's what my friends have told me.
I, on the other hand, was up way too late suffering from a ton of anxiety. I stared at the rings on my hands, how they had been there for so long without much reason or purpose, and I began to wonder... "What's wrong with me?" There were 20 years of life behind me. 20 years filled with laughter, and light, and being used to do so many crazy fun and exciting things in the name of Christ! So why was it that I still felt so...empty?
As I looked at my rings, my purity ring began to look more like a ticking clock. "You better find love fast, before you're left all alone" it said. My Claddagh ring laughed in agreement, "I've been worn backwards on her finger in the 'single' position ever since she bought me." Without even knowing it, I automatically felt that those voices were right. I knew that Satan had planted them there. I knew that without a doubt. But the circumstances causing my pain managed to get me listening anyway.
In a conversation with a friend this week she mentioned how looking at a purity ring was sometimes depressing because all we were really wishing was that there was an engagement ring on our finger instead. Even though I had never really been bold enough to say so, I had definitely thought that before. I just hadn't known that other girls could relate to that feeling, so I'd kept my mouth shut.
Now, several of my friends have started dating amazing people, and it's not so bad. In fact, it's been fun and exciting to see them grow in these relationships! I love talking to them about it and watching their faces get that "look". It's my favorite look in the whole world. That involuntary smile that ladies and gents get in their eyes when they talk about the one they love. It's like they can't even stop themselves from grinning like crazy. It's the best, and it makes my heart so joyful! Plus, I get the chance to learn about the right (and sometimes wrong) ways to handle relationships just by talking to them, which is nice.
The hard part, however, is when a friend of the opposite gender that you really like, or used to like, begins dating someone without even giving you a second thought. Yep, that has happened to me. It's happened a few different times, actually.
Ouch.
And at that moment, at midnight on my 20th birthday, I managed to convince myself that I was absolutely worthless.
I ended up staying awake until 1am just thinking about things I could change about myself. Not physical things, but things of the heart. Am I loving enough? Am I giving enough? Am I strong enough? Am I doing enough?
Will I ever just be enough?
I know this whole thing sounds like one huge heap of melodrama, but I'm serious, these thoughts had me close to tears. It took me forever just to get my mind back on track so I could sleep. I prayed, I wrote, I listened to songs of love from my Savior, and after all of that I was finally pieced back together enough to fall asleep. But not until God snapped me out of it by saying...
"Hey, you! Yes, you with the worry lines in your forehead. The one trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough. Do you really want to throw away and completely trash how I lovingly designed you in my image, when you could actually spend your life based on the freedom to just be instead?"
I know, right? It's like he read my previous blog post or something. I guess I must struggle with being a hypocrite too, then, huh?
Even with that reassurance, though, I was still shaken.
It wasn't until the incredible message at church the next morning that my ridiculous behavior was truly pointed out to me. The message was on giving thanks in every circumstance, but, good gosh, it spoke so much more than that. I was totally moved when, as all my insecurities about being single, and forgotten, and unnoticed seemed to be drowning me, I heard this statement...
"We don't know love unless we first know that He loves us."
That alone made me want to burst into tears. But then it was followed up by an even deeper statement of conviction...
"Every circumstance in your life has been so designed as to bring you to the full appreciation of his love for you."
Every circumstance? Every broken heart? Every sleepless night wondering if I measure up? Every messed up friendship, all my shattered confidence, every guy I've loved who never looked my way...all for the sole purpose of realizing that...
...I am loved?
I've heard several times throughout my life that the One True God is a jealous god. He doesn't just want to be one lover of my soul. He wants to be THE ONLY lover of my soul. Anyone in this world can love my heart. Anyone can love my appearance. But only God, the one who paid the ultimate price in order to protect what He held sacred, has what it takes to be the truly unconditional lover of my soul.
Knowing that, how could I have possibly been feeling unwanted? It was insane. Was I really that big-headed that I thought I could earn what he gave to me for free? He knows everything I have done, and ever will do, and he still deemed me a daughter of the King. Not begrudgingly either. Oh no! He didn't say "eh, this one's alright, I might as well just accept that she is who she is." When God invited me into his cherished family, he said "Aly, my dear creation, you are my joy and my delight! I have so much love for you, my dear child, and I desire for you to walk with me, even as I walk with you."
And that, my friends, is why I've decided that I will no longer be wearing my rings. Not any time in the near future, anyway. Are you having some trouble seeing where that connects? Yeah, it's understandable. I'll lay it out for you.
I was using those rings incorrectly in two major ways.
First of all, my purity ring was a huge source of pride. I was taking something that was supposed to be humbling, and making it into something that set me apart and made me "better" somehow. I was beginning to look down on people who didn't wear a purity ring. I might not have known I was doing it, but I was. It was destructive, and I didn't realize just how destructive until that day.
Second, these rings were becoming a symbol of my own control over my life, and not God's. That might not make sense to some of you, but I promise it does. Both of those rings were supposed to be a sign that I was fully devoted to a beautiful love story with my Heavenly Father. Instead, I was using them to say that "I'm not in a relationship or married yet, but I know I will be. And when I do, I want to do it right." The "doing it right" part isn't so bad. But, seriously, where in the Bible has it ever said that every single girl will get married? Where does it say that every guy will find a wife?
Yeah, I couldn't find that anywhere either. Check out this post from Tovares Grey:
So why am I wearing rings every day of my life as a symbol for something that maybe won't even happen at all?
Honestly, when did I start caring more about finding a spouse than I did about following God's plan for my life? It's like I've been blindsided to a ball and chain inside myself that I hadn't even known was there. And now I'm free.
I removed my rings, and with that physical sign of surrender, God removed my burden.
Now, I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't wear your own purity ring. Those rings are an amazing symbol of a promise that God made to us, and us to him. It's a promise of love between us and our Savior, and it's good, and holy. There's no reason to feel bad about wearing one.
The only reason I removed my rings is because my own idea of them was beginning to negatively impact my personal relationship with God. And by depriving myself of those rings, I'm hoping I'll be able to deprive myself of the toxic pride and control that I began.
Also, PLEASE don't think I'm going to just throw my purity away. Marriage, dating, a pure and beautiful relationship, are all still a desire in my life. Part of that 'keeping God first' promise is to remain sexually pure until that time when and if I get married someday. I'm 20 years old, still first-kiss free, and I'm planning on remaining first-kiss free unless and until God sends me some husband material. None of that has changed.
What's changed is how I'm going to live my life from here. I'm going to chase after God with everything in me. I wasn't able to do that before, and I didn't know why. What I've realized now is that I had been holding myself back, planning for a future that might not even be mine. Now I see my mistake.
The only future that is truly guaranteed is the future I have in Christ, and even though I haven't seen it yet, I already know it's better than any other future I could ask for.
What's holding you back from following God's true purpose for you?
