Letting Off Steam

This post is very impromptu.  I wasn't planning on blogging at all today.  But, you know what, sometimes a girl just has to write in order to get her thoughts in order.

I could lie, and say that I'm OK today.  But, like I said, that would be a lie.  So no, I'm not going to say that.  I am everything but OK.  My head hurts.  My heart aches.  Everything inside me wants to break down in tears because of all the fears overwhelming my thoughts.  I'm doubting my purpose, doubting my choices, doubting myself...

Why?

That question isn't my usual lead-in to the answer.  That's an actual question.  Why?  Why am I so fickle?  Why do I stray from my purpose?  Why do I take things so hard?  The problem is that I don't have an answer to any of those questions either.  Every time I try to find one I end up just like I feel today...

Worn, exhausted, and so very small.

"How could this possibly be what God wants for me?"  I ask myself.  "Surely, he must want me to go back and turn left instead of right this time."

Over a year ago I went through one of the hardest choices I've ever made.  Everyone else was pressuring me to go to college.  They all thought it was the best option.  Of course, they thought that about everyone.  I, however, disagreed.  I wanted to go to college, to make friends, have the "college experience", and maybe meet and date someone special along the way.  But when it came to what God wanted, I knew that wasn't the right choice.  I disagreed because I felt God was calling me to something more important than what I wanted.

He wanted me to stay.  He told me to stay.

I still remember the very moment.  I was sitting in church, overwhelmed, with question after question about my future running through my head.  At the end of every service they would always ask "what is your next step?"  Usually I would nod and listen to what they said the possible next steps were, but this time I was struck.  I had been praying and struggling over the decision of whether or not to go to college so harshly, and here it was.

"Stay."

The single word came like a sudden whisper that echoed over and over in my soul.  At first I just brushed it off as my mind playing tricks on me, and I continued listening to the service as the worship team entered the stage.  Then they asked once again, "what is your next step?"

"Stay."

Louder this time, I knew that it was not my own inner voice I had heard.  God had given me my answer.  And it was an answer I was afraid of hearing.  I cried all the way through the worship time that ended the service that day.  "Stay" was not the answer I had wanted to hear.  I wanted to go.  I wanted to see new things, go new places, meet new people.  Why didn't God want that for me too?

Yet another question that I still don't have the answer to.

After that it was a battle.  Everyone, even those in my own family, thought that not going to college was a foolish decision.  They were mostly just worried about me.  Everywhere I looked my friends were going to school and getting ready for their exciting first semester in the fall, and there I sat.  A girl with a scholarship to the school of her dreams, and nothing to do with it.  It was misery at its finest.  This was a test, and I was determined not to sway.  God must have had something huge planned, and I wanted to find out what it was.

I will admit, there are a ton of amazing experiences that have happened because I stayed.  I got to direct my very first musical production this year, which was a major blessing.  I've gained some amazing friends, who also stayed home from college, and they fill my life with joy.  I've grown closer to my family, and gotten to spend valuable time with them that I wouldn't have otherwise.  The skit group that I'm involved in has grown by leaps and bounds.  I got a new job that I absolutely love.  It's been a great year!

So then why is it that sometimes I still feel like I made the wrong choice?

I tell you what, Satan definitely knows how to do a number on my soul.  And the worst part is that he doesn't even have to touch it.  All he has to do is convince me that the best way to protect my heart is by destroying it myself.  Gosh, I give in to that far too easily.

I could lie, and say that I'm OK today.  But I'm not going to.  The truth is my family is stressed.  I'm stressed.  Life is messy, and it's eating at us on a daily basis.  We're all low on sleep, which makes things worse.  We've had colds, allergies, and exhaustion galore over the past month.  And it's been absolutely miserable.  But that's not even the whole of it.

My entire internal store of energy is almost completely spent on ministry, and pouring my heart into the lives of the teenagers around me.  But lately that's been getting harder and harder for me to do.  Over this year a few of these teens that I really care about have now been giving a false impression to others about me and my family.  Now, every time I walk into a room filled with all the young people that hold pieces of my heart, I can only hope that they don't see me as the fraud that those others have concocted.  I pray every day that my integrity and love for them would shine through the lies, and that God would help them all to know that I really am who I appear to be, and that I care about them just as much as I say I do.  It hurts even more than I can put into words, to think that those I feel so deeply for every day could now be convinced that my adoration for them is anything less than what it is.

My heart even still longs to show affection to the ones who have been speaking these things.  But because they believe the lies that they have even been telling themselves, I know it will be of no use.  And that breaks my heart most of all.  That someone could be so loved, and so adored, and yet not accept it.

It's because of this that I found myself on my computer today, bringing up the website for the college that I used to have a scholarship to, and wondering if I really did make the right choice.  Maybe I'm not the right person for this.  Maybe God does want me to go, and wants someone more capable to take this skit group over.  If they truly believe I'm a fraud, then maybe...maybe I am one...  Maybe I would be better off helping with someone else's ministry than leading my own.

I mean, I do have a lot of faults when it comes to leadership.  I'm constantly stumbling over my words.  I'm kind of a control freak, and tend to get stressed when I have no clue what God's plan is.  What people say often impacts me way more deeply than it should, even though I never act like it does.  I'm THE WORST at communicating, which is mostly due to the fact that phones and miscommunication are two of my biggest fears, so I usually try to avoid both by just not doing anything at all.  I always mean well, but sometimes act on a whim without really thinking things all the way through.

Now that I think of it, how on earth did I end up leading this group in the first place?

Oh yeah... I guess I didn't.  God did.

And that's what I was reminded of just now.  God placed a verse in my head that I read in devotions this morning (the first time I actually do devotions in a long time, and it's already useful.  Go God!), and this is what it says:

Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of the messenger that it was a mistake.  Why should God be angry with your words and destroy the work of your hands?

Ecclesiastes 5:6

Now, I'm aware that this verse means something entirely different in actuality, but when I read it today, God placed a new meaning on my heart.  In his words for me, it meant...

"Don't let your own insecure feelings about yourself make you believe what the world tells you, and do not push off the instructions the Holy Spirit gave you as a mistake.  When you are doing your Father's work, why would he be angry with you?"

*Sigh*

He always seems to know exactly what to say.  Gosh, I'm so in love with how he can do that!  *Smiles*  And, you know, if one good thing comes from all this turmoil, it's that I've been finding myself more in love with the Lover of my soul than ever before.  Yes, it's always hard to put away my worries and just focus on God.  Most days I can't even find it within me to open up my Bible.  But no matter what, whenever I stop long enough to breathe, I feel his arms around me, and that makes every stressful moment worth it.

I will always have some form of doubt in my life.  That is true.  But God will always be bigger than that doubt.  That is also true.  I may not have any clue what I should do next, but I will always have Jesus.  And as long as he loves me, I have all I need, right?

Right.

So, what's next?  Will I go to school?  Probably not.  I've declared that threat to myself over and over again whenever I'm in trouble, and not once have I acted on it.  This time will probably be just like all the rest, I'm sure.  If I do go to school, it will be an online school, so that I can learn what I need to and continue my ministry at the same time.  I really don't know what's next though.  I guess I just need to keep taking steps.  One day at a time.  Keep working, keep loving, keep giving, but most importantly, keep resting in Christ.  That's what life is for, right?

Alright... I should probably get on with my day.  Thank you for allowing me to vent for a little while.  I really do feel better.  I guess that's how I know I'm a writer.  Whenever I'm overtaken with emotion, my first response is to write about it.  I have a feeling that won't change anytime soon.

Until next time...

Pray for me.

In the mean time, I'm just going to continue listening to "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz on repeat.

Take it in.  Fill your lungs.
It's the peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe.

Let your weary spirit rest.
Lay down what's good and find what's best.  
Just breathe.

Breathe.  Just breathe.  
Come and rest at my feet.
And be.  Just be.
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe.

20 Songs For My Journey So Far (Or, The "It's Not Actually About Me" Playlist)

We all know that music speaks in ways that normal words most of the time just can't.  That definitely holds true in my life.  And even though I don't write or play music, I do relate to it.  These are 20 songs that have helped me feel understood; helped me feel that I'm not alone in my life.  Listen to them if you want.  And who knows, maybe you'll find they help you feel the same way.  So, in no particular order...

1. Second Guess Girl by Sara Groves

This song needs no explanation.  It's just so perfect at describing what it feels like when you're forced to make a hard decision, and when you're still figuring out who you are.  It's a transition position that I've been in quite often lately, so I really appreciate her transparent honesty here.

2. Breathe by Jonny Diaz

The first time I heard this, I was in a heap of chaos and insanity on my way to a meeting after a day of feeling like a crazy person.  My mind was on everything but God, and I had no intention of sitting to just "Breathe"...  Then Jonny Diaz came on the radio, and I cried.  Now it's my theme song.

3. Choose To Love by Francesca Battistelli

Oh, how Francesca Battistelli always manages to pin point exactly what I'm going through.  Choosing to love is one of my greatest daily struggles.  Opening up to love requires trust, and my trust has been broken enough times for this to be extremely difficult for me.  I've been choosing to love more and more often lately, and this song is a large part of the reason.

4. How I Ended Up Here by Jason Gray

Once again, wow... I have never heard a song with more honesty and accuracy to my life situation than this one right here.  As an introvert, it is so tempting to just hide away and never share life with anyone.  After listening to this 8 or 9 times the first time I heard it, though, I realized exactly how destructive pushing people away can be.

5. Revolutionaries by Bethany Dillon

Straying from what's considered "the norm" is the center of all the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far.  Jumping on the bandwagon and taking the easy road is always a temptation, but it's SO much more worth it to take the harder path!  Life has taught me this time and again already, ever since I decided to be a Revolutionary.

6. Whole by Jessa Anderson

The line that caught my attention here is "If death was beginning instead of end, than who I am now was determined then."  The fact that my life was determined and guaranteed because of the death of Christ is just crazy!  Because of his sacrifice, I don't ever have to worry about feeling "Whole".  Because, with Jesus, I already am.

7. Brave by Moriah Peters

I'm not exactly the bravest person.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite in most situations.  Because of this I decided to make my New Years resolution for 2015 a challenge to "Live Bravely" and, holy cow, a challenge it has been.  This song came out pretty close to the same time that promise was made, and it instantly became my battle cry for the year, encouraging me to take leaps that I've never taken before.

8. Can't Live Without You by Owl City

I love that Adam Young takes a style of music that is mostly popular in secular circles, and transforms it by creating Christian lyrics and stories to go along with it.  Because he goes through a lot of anxiety just like I do, I relate to his music a ton.  It always reminds me that I'm never alone.

9. Press On by Building 429 (Feat. Blanca Callahan)

The truth in this song speaks volumes.  Just the fact that I am a mess, and yet God calls me his own and created my every flaw with a meaning.  It's more than I could ever ask for, and it allows me to "Press On" in a way that I could never accomplish without Him.  Life goes on, but He's all I need.

10. Losing by Tenth Avenue North

Being different has been my way of life since I was very, very young.  Most Christians can relate to that fact.  Because of this, I definitely know what pain feels like.  Rejection and brokenness are a common theme in my story, but God has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Forgiveness is definitely a struggle, but it's a struggle worth having.

11. Awake My Love by I Am They

Even in the times when I'm hurting, and wonder what God is up to, He always finds a way to send me something to smile about.  God is the noble treasurer of my heart, the intimate lover of my soul, and he "Awakes My Love" in new and wonderful ways every single day.  I love Him with everything in me.

12. 3:42 A.M. (Writer's Block) by MercyMe

Being a writer, it's always challenging on those nights when the words just won't come like I want them to.  What I've discovered, though, is that those nights are usually a sign that I need to lay my novel and my characters at the feet of God, and allow him to make up what I lack.  The stories He writes are 100% better than the ones I come up with on my own.  If the idea is mine, it's a waste of time!  This song greatly helps to remind me of that.

13. The Waiting by Jamie Grace

Patience... Waiting... Oh, my greatest enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  But each time I choose to wait instead of going forward on my own, I learn something new, and it ends up being worth the wait.  If I rush into things, disaster strikes.  So why is it I continue to make the same hasty mistakes?

14. Beyond Me by tobyMac

I've had the opportunity to do so many amazing and unique things in my life, and it's incredible to even think about!  But whenever people ask how I do what I do, I can only tell them that I don't.  God is the source of every accomplishment.  All of the greatest things I've ever done were not my doing, and they were all definitely WAY "Beyond Me."

15. Want To Be Real by Chris August

Some days I get so unbelievably frustrated with the false nature of the world.  I remember back when I was going through some of my particularly difficult days, I would listen to this song over and over and pray that I didn't become fake; that I would grow into a genuine and authentic lover of Christ.  I wanted to simply be real, and that's still my prayer.

16. Ready Or Not by Britt Nicole (Feat. Lecrae)

Sometimes it is so much easier to simply take the background spot and leave the leadership position to someone else.  However, that's not God's plan for us.  As soon as we devote our lives to him, we make a promise to stand out for his name.  We may be ridiculed for living out loud in that way, but it suddenly becomes a part of our nature to shine.  We can't hide it! 

17. I Refuse by Josh Wilson

This song is wonderful in so many ways.  I relate to it so much.  There was a time in my life where I had no clue what I was supposed to do in this life, and I was tempted to just sit back and not do anything.  Then I discovered what my purpose was, and suddenly I couldn't stand still!  It's like a flame took me over, and that flame still burns to this day!

18. Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets

Even in the hardest times of my life, God was at work.  Winning or losing, love and hate, joy or pain, no matter what the circumstance God is always working.  He's been making me since before I was even born, and He'll be making me until the day I breathe my last.  That's just how good He is.

19. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

This song pulled me through every single one of those broken friendships and rejection situations.  When a best friend betrays your trust, it's hard to bounce back.  When multiple friends betray your trust at separate times, it seems nearly impossible.  Listening to Brandon's words here reminded me that forgiveness was more important than anything, and that God would bring positive change through the pain.  I am truly "Not Who I Was", and this song is my letter of grace to those friends.

20. My Story by Big Daddy Weave

This song is self explanatory, and completely truthful!  I hope you enjoyed this journey through my history, and the music that guided me through it.  God uses people and art to impact us in amazing ways, and it happens everyday.  May your day be blessed with music and the glorious love of Christ!

To listen to this playlist on Spotify, click here.

A Single Declaration: My Purity Ring Hiatus

It's time to get real, ladies.  Time to get real on a subject that I'm not really sure I want to talk about, mostly because I'm afraid to.  It's a feeling that we all get now and then, but we let it breeze slowly by unacknowledged.  This is a subject, a feeling, that I didn't even realize I belonged to until this last week.  It's dangerous.  It's a change.  It's a conversation that goes against the status quo of my own life...

It's the spiritual battle going on behind Purity rings.

I have one.  I love that ring.  In fact, it's the second purity ring I've gone through, because I found one for myself when I was younger in a box of old jewelry, and then my parents bought me a new one later on.  I really value that ring, wearing it on my left ring finger like a crown, never taking it off for anything. 

On my right hand, I've almost always worn a Claddagh ring.  For those of you who don't know, this is a traditional Irish ring that has a lot of deep, positive meaning to it.  It symbolizes love, friendship, and loyalty.  And it also reveals your relationship status depending on how you wear it. 

These rings stand for something meaningful, beautiful, and near and dear to my heart.  They always will.  They both hold memories of life, love of my family, love of Christ.  I would never dream of letting them go.

But lately, just like with anything in life, my mind has been corrupting the symbolism of these two rings.

You know, Satan has a funny way of twisting just about everything.  He can take the most pure and beautiful things, and cause them to fade and rust.  He even tried (and failed) to tempt Jesus by using his crafty spinning thread that weaves lies together in the blink of an eye (Matthew 4:1-11).  One moment you're on top of the world.  In the next, once he gets ahold of you, you could be in the depths of despair.  It's all a matter of perspective.

And lately, my perspective has been way off.

The final, eye opening, 180 turn around happened a week ago on one particular morning.  But that was just the end of an ongoing climax, beginning with the stroke of midnight the night before...

Because that night, at midnight, I turned 20 years old.

Most people would have been celebrating at that point.  It's a whole new decade of life!  It means you've left the awkward teenage years behind for good!  You can finally be counted as an actual, non-youth affiliated adult! 

Or, at least, that's what my friends have told me.

I, on the other hand, was up way too late suffering from a ton of anxiety.  I stared at the rings on my hands, how they had been there for so long without much reason or purpose, and I began to wonder... "What's wrong with me?"  There were 20 years of life behind me.  20 years filled with laughter, and light, and being used to do so many crazy fun and exciting things in the name of Christ!  So why was it that I still felt so...empty?

As I looked at my rings, my purity ring began to look more like a ticking clock.  "You better find love fast, before you're left all alone" it said.  My Claddagh ring laughed in agreement, "I've been worn backwards on her finger in the 'single' position ever since she bought me."  Without even knowing it, I automatically felt that those voices were right.  I knew that Satan had planted them there.  I knew that without a doubt.  But the circumstances causing my pain managed to get me listening anyway. 

In a conversation with a friend this week she mentioned how looking at a purity ring was sometimes depressing because all we were really wishing was that there was an engagement ring on our finger instead.  Even though I had never really been bold enough to say so, I had definitely thought that before.  I just hadn't known that other girls could relate to that feeling, so I'd kept my mouth shut.

Now, several of my friends have started dating amazing people, and it's not so bad.  In fact, it's been fun and exciting to see them grow in these relationships!  I love talking to them about it and watching their faces get that "look".  It's my favorite look in the whole world.  That involuntary smile that ladies and gents get in their eyes when they talk about the one they love.  It's like they can't even stop themselves from grinning like crazy.  It's the best, and it makes my heart so joyful!  Plus, I get the chance to learn about the right (and sometimes wrong) ways to handle relationships just by talking to them, which is nice.

The hard part, however, is when a friend of the opposite gender that you really like, or used to like, begins dating someone without even giving you a second thought.  Yep, that has happened to me.  It's happened a few different times, actually. 

Ouch.

And at that moment, at midnight on my 20th birthday, I managed to convince myself that I was absolutely worthless.

I ended up staying awake until 1am just thinking about things I could change about myself.  Not physical things, but things of the heart.  Am I loving enough?  Am I giving enough?  Am I strong enough?  Am I doing enough?

Will I ever just be enough?

I know this whole thing sounds like one huge heap of melodrama, but I'm serious, these thoughts had me close to tears.  It took me forever just to get my mind back on track so I could sleep.  I prayed, I wrote, I listened to songs of love from my Savior, and after all of that I was finally pieced back together enough to fall asleep.  But not until God snapped me out of it by saying...

"Hey, you!  Yes, you with the worry lines in your forehead.  The one trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough.  Do you really want to throw away and completely trash how I lovingly designed you in my image, when you could actually spend your life based on the freedom to just be instead?"

I know, right?  It's like he read my previous blog post or something.  I guess I must struggle with being a hypocrite too, then, huh?

Even with that reassurance, though, I was still shaken.

It wasn't until the incredible message at church the next morning that my ridiculous behavior was truly pointed out to me.  The message was on giving thanks in every circumstance, but, good gosh, it spoke so much more than that.  I was totally moved when, as all my insecurities about being single, and forgotten, and unnoticed seemed to be drowning me, I heard this statement...

"We don't know love unless we first know that He loves us."

That alone made me want to burst into tears.  But then it was followed up by an even deeper statement of conviction...

"Every circumstance in your life has been so designed as to bring you to the full appreciation of his love for you."

Every circumstance?  Every broken heart?  Every sleepless night wondering if I measure up?  Every messed up friendship, all my shattered confidence, every guy I've loved who never looked my way...all for the sole purpose of realizing that...

...I am loved?

I've heard several times throughout my life that the One True God is a jealous god.  He doesn't just want to be one lover of my soul.  He wants to be THE ONLY lover of my soul.  Anyone in this world can love my heart.  Anyone can love my appearance.  But only God, the one who paid the ultimate price in order to protect what He held sacred, has what it takes to be the truly unconditional lover of my soul.

Knowing that, how could I have possibly been feeling unwanted?  It was insane.  Was I really that big-headed that I thought I could earn what he gave to me for free?  He knows everything I have done, and ever will do, and he still deemed me a daughter of the King.  Not begrudgingly either.  Oh no!  He didn't say "eh, this one's alright, I might as well just accept that she is who she is."  When God invited me into his cherished family, he said "Aly, my dear creation, you are my joy and my delight!  I have so much love for you, my dear child, and I desire for you to walk with me, even as I walk with you."

And that, my friends, is why I've decided that I will no longer be wearing my rings.  Not any time in the near future, anyway.  Are you having some trouble seeing where that connects?  Yeah, it's understandable.  I'll lay it out for you.

I was using those rings incorrectly in two major ways. 

First of all, my purity ring was a huge source of pride.  I was taking something that was supposed to be humbling, and making it into something that set me apart and made me "better" somehow.  I was beginning to look down on people who didn't wear a purity ring.  I might not have known I was doing it, but I was.  It was destructive, and I didn't realize just how destructive until that day.

Second, these rings were becoming a symbol of my own control over my life, and not God's.  That might not make sense to some of you, but I promise it does.  Both of those rings were supposed to be a sign that I was fully devoted to a beautiful love story with my Heavenly Father.  Instead, I was using them to say that "I'm not in a relationship or married yet, but I know I will be.  And when I do, I want to do it right."  The "doing it right" part isn't so bad.  But, seriously, where in the Bible has it ever said that every single girl will get married?  Where does it say that every guy will find a wife? 

Yeah, I couldn't find that anywhere either.  Check out this post from Tovares Grey:

So why am I wearing rings every day of my life as a symbol for something that maybe won't even happen at all?

Honestly, when did I start caring more about finding a spouse than I did about following God's plan for my life?  It's like I've been blindsided to a ball and chain inside myself that I hadn't even known was there.  And now I'm free. 

I removed my rings, and with that physical sign of surrender, God removed my burden.

Now, I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't wear your own purity ring.  Those rings are an amazing symbol of a promise that God made to us, and us to him.  It's a promise of love between us and our Savior, and it's good, and holy.  There's no reason to feel bad about wearing one. 

The only reason I removed my rings is because my own idea of them was beginning to negatively impact my personal relationship with God.  And by depriving myself of those rings, I'm hoping I'll be able to deprive myself of the toxic pride and control that I began.

Also, PLEASE don't think I'm going to just throw my purity away.  Marriage, dating, a pure and beautiful relationship, are all still a desire in my life.  Part of that 'keeping God first' promise is to remain sexually pure until that time when and if I get married someday.  I'm 20 years old, still first-kiss free, and I'm planning on remaining first-kiss free unless and until God sends me some husband material.  None of that has changed.

What's changed is how I'm going to live my life from here.  I'm going to chase after God with everything in me.  I wasn't able to do that before, and I didn't know why.  What I've realized now is that I had been holding myself back, planning for a future that might not even be mine.  Now I see my mistake.

The only future that is truly guaranteed is the future I have in Christ, and even though I haven't seen it yet, I already know it's better than any other future I could ask for.

What's holding you back from following God's true purpose for you? 

Keep Your Eyes Closed And....

                           

There's a dry erase board on my desk.  It's plain, it's white, it's magnetic, and it's smudged all over from different phrases and sayings being written on it to give my work a little oomph here and there.  Writing inspiration mostly, but sometimes just general life encouragement.  My most recent quote:

Keep your eyes closed, and your mind wide open...

I really like this phrase.  For a writer, it helps your imagination soar a little bit.  It sounds so freeing.  The first time I heard this quote was in the movie Bridge to Terabithia, and it was all about allowing your head to expand and turn into amazing worlds that have never been seen before!  Exciting, right?  Yeah, it got me pretty excited too.

If only I had known how dangerous putting that quote on my board would be...

Now, the quote itself isn't dangerous.  It's great and inspiring!  It's a path to your imagination.  Don't misunderstand me there.  The dangerous part came from what I made that quote into. 

You see, I have a problem. 

Ok, you got me.  If you've been reading my blog, you know that I actually have quite a few problems.  But I'm referring to just one of those problems, and it's the fact that I think way to much.  I am never not thinking.  It's like the hamster wheel in my brain got taken over by a hamster that's hooked up to a constant caffeine flow.  It just never stops!  Even now there are several bits of information swirling about while I'm writing this post. 

What dress am I going to wear to that dance next week?  What should (and shouldn't) I talk about when I meet up with my friends this week?  Who do I need to contact for the skit group performances I have coming up?  What storyline should I continue for my NaNoWriMo book this month? 

See what I mean?

When a quote tells me everyday to close my eyes to what's around me and open my brain to whatever thoughts come, I end up in a constant state of questioning my present, my past, my future, and, for goodness sake, my very existence.  Can anyone relate?  Can I get an "Amen"? 

No?  Just me?  Ok.

But seriously, your mind is such an amazingly powerful place!  It dictates your words, your actions, and who you are!  However, when you allow it to just wander at will, there's a large possibility you'll find yourself wrapped up in chains of worry and doubt.  When you think too much about everything around you, and try to figure out life before it's time, you'll just end up confused and afraid.  There's no way for us to predict our own futures.

So...what's the alternative?

I wondered that too.  Then, suddenly, God threw the answer right in front of me when I was in the very depths of shame and sorrow.  A song came on the radio in my car, and the main chorus said Keep your eyes open.  "Unscramble the words."  God whispered to my soul. 

Suddenly, the original quote that was on my desk for weeks seemed so backwards in applying to my life!  I needed to turn it around.  Flip it.  Change it up.  That was what freedom was supposed to feel like.  Knowing you didn't have to think or worry about anything it life, you only needed to keep your eyes open to watch God work it out for you.  "Close your mind," God said, "and keep your eyes fixed on me."

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God."

That's such a powerful verse, and God used it to change my perspective that day.  By constantly thinking, I was doing everything but being still.  Another one of my favorite Bible verses challenges me every day.  It comes from Philippians 4:6-7, and it says...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

After all that, how could we possibly allow ourselves to think so much that it distances us from God?  He wants to take care of the worry.  He wants to settle our fear for good, and give us courage.  He wants to fights our battles for us, so that we can focus on our walk with him!  He has fully offered to "guard our hearts and our minds" in order to give us peace.  I don't know about you, but I definitely want to take him up on that deal!

What's my new motto, you ask?  It's a really good one.  And it's already made a positive splash in my life...

"Keep a quiet mind, and watch God work."

Freedom feels pretty good, doesn't it?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

So, next time you're tempted to close your eyes and open your mind to an afternoon of endless thoughts, maybe take a moment to pause.  Ask yourself if thinking your life away is really how you want to spend your days.  How much more could you be doing to make a difference in this world if you gave up the time you spent worrying?  Yeah, I know, that question hurt me too...

But it's true.  We spend so much time in our very, very short lives trying to safeguard ourselves for tomorrow, when we should really just be trusting God with that stuff and living for today.  Moments are beautiful.  Moments speak to us.  They breathe, and flow, and blossom with a joyful kind of contentment that we could revel in if we would just open our clenched fingers and let the worry float away.  If we would let our stubborn pride fall.  If we would tear down our walls, the ones we built from the fear of being wrong, and live. 

If we would only keep a quiet mind, and watch God work.

Do you see the difference?  It's the separation between being so concerned about our own daily life that it consumes us, and letting God take care of that daily life so that we can spend that concern on someone else.  In the second scenario, we channel our worry into something productive.  We allow God to transform worry into outreach.  We concern ourselves with those who need our help, and as we assist them in conquering their worries, through prayer and support, our own worries fade as well, all because God is working through us.

But in order to get to that point, we first have to rest in our Savior.  We need to let him take that worry from weighing on our souls, and fill the empty space with peace and compassion.  And resting in this way isn't going to just be a one time thing.  Oh no.  Because we live in this world, the worry-removal process is most likely going to have to be a daily event.  A constant emptying and refilling that will determine how we handle what's thrown our way.  And it can only happen when we "be still" and allow God to show us what he wants our quiet minds to see.

What do you say?  Would you like some peace?  Quiet?  An opportunity to just breathe?

Me too.

So let's do just that.  God's already given us the ability to.  He paid for that ability on the cross.  Ready to take a jump and work towards a life free of doubt and worry? 

Let go.  Let God.  Be free.

And believe me when I say that I'm telling myself this just as much as I'm telling you.  It's so hard.  But it's simple as that.

What types of worries are the biggest struggle for you?  Maybe make a list of everything weighing on your heart right now, then journal a prayer to give it to God.  Is there one worry that stands out among the others?  Does this one thing come up a lot for you?  Give that one some extra prayer time.

A Letter To Myself...

Dear Younger Me,

Life is really hard, you know it?  I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes God does things that don't make any sense, and it's confusing, and complicated, and messy, and you just don't get it.  Mistakes are made almost daily, and sometimes it causes you to wonder if you can do anything right.  Here's the deal, all of this will always be present in your life.  But I have a secret to tell you.  A message from your future that only you can know...

It will get better.

Right now, at this time in your life, you are struggling with friendships.  The first guy you ever liked is starting to grow distant.  Your heart is experiencing aches and pains that you've never felt before, and there are a whole lot of changes yet to be discovered.  Sucky, I know.

Recently, you experienced the pain that came with your grandparents dying five months apart.  There were arguments, and auctions, and loss.  Your family struggled in ways it never has before, and yet somehow came out in one piece.  In the near future you'll lose friends, and gain new ones, only to lose them again.  Boys will come and go, leaving shards behind each time.  Some of these broken relationships are your fault, and some days you'll think that these are the ones that hurt most of all.  You'll become far too good at moving on.

You'll grow up with the assumption that feelings can only lead to negative results, and spend so many days denying your feelings that you'll end up becoming numb to them altogether.  There are moments that are about to happen in your life that will still hurt for a long time, and every time you think you've gotten things figured out, a new loop will come and make you question everything all over again.  Trust will become an issue, as well as confidence, and sometimes even joy.  But through all that, there's something you should know...

You will never be alone.

You're going to feel alone.  Some nights you will fall asleep with tears on your cheeks and an ache in your heart just because of desperation for companionship.  Some nights I still do.  But please, if you remember anything, remember this:

Feeling alone and actually being alone are two different things, and you will never be alone as long as you walk with God.

I've seen everything that you've gone through so far.  I know each and every individual scar on your heart, and each name that put it there.  I know how hard you fought to forgive, and how long it took to forget.  Insecurity is a struggle that everyone faces, but in time you'll learn that the lowest individuals are the ones God calls out first, and the weakest of people can become the strongest of soldiers.

Don't.  Give.  Up.

There's a reason you went through all of those things.  There is a purpose for your pain.

God allowed friends to leave so that you could have empathy and understanding for those who need a shoulder to lean on.  He allowed people to put you down so that you would trust in him to define you, and know how to properly encourage those in the same low position.  God is going to use your darkness for light, and your lost moments will become a map to guide others to his grace.  You are going to experience first hand how God always keeps his promises, and that he truly does 'work all things for the good of those who love him'.

You'll find theatre, and discover that it's the very air you breathe.  You'll find out that God placed that talent in your life so that you could use it for his glory, and it will be the greatest adventure you've ever experienced.

Have faith.

You'll start writing everyday, and just as theatre is your breath, words will become your heartbeat.  Everything you do will be accompanied by characters that are just now finding a voice in your thoughts.

Let yourself create.

Right now you feel so small.  You've made some bad decisions, and some good ones.  Let me tell you, no matter how much you accomplish, that feeling will never go away.  In fact, the more you try to feel big, the smaller life will make you.  So I have some advice...

Stop trying so hard.

You see, I have the advantage of knowing exactly how you operate.  You are the type of person who is never swayed by what's currently "popular", but is always shaken by the disappointment you feel in yourself.  Don't.  The world is broken enough without you tearing yourself apart.  I know, it is so tempting to be your own worst critic.  But the only way you're going be content in anything is to simply make the decision to do so.

Just be.

Right now it may feel like you are doomed to never have a true friend in the world, but don't lose hope.  Eventually, friends will find you.  But it will happen when you stop being desperate and just accept who you are.  They'll come around you from unexpected places, and they'll be worth the wait, I promise.

Trust God.

And, one final piece of advice.  Do you remember that numbness I told you about?  It's going to seep into you until feeling and loving is a near impossibility.  Satan will use it to mess with your head and bind you in chains of fear and sorrow.  I don't care how much pain you go through, please, don't allow yourself to get to that point.  Even negative feelings are better than no feelings at all.  Trust me.  After years upon years of refusing to give in to emotion or show that I care about anything, I'm finally learning how to let that fear go and just live.  Don't let it take you that long.

Breathe deeply.  Stretch your arms out with closed eyes on windy days.  Dance around in your driveway when it rains.  Take walks in the autumn woods.  Laugh until your stomach aches and your throat makes those weird gasping noises.  Let your hair down.  Brew more tea.  Read yourself to sleep during thunderstorms.  Enjoy the rare closeness you have with your family.  Love without condition, and trust like you've never been hurt.

Most of all, wake up each day with the determination to find a bit of beauty in everything.

You have so much innocent joy to offer this sad world, and so much love to give away.  Your life has so much passion and purpose in store, and I haven't even seen most of it yet.  If you follow my advice and learn from my mistakes, I can't even imagine how much more good you could do.  And God will be with you every step of the way, so don't be afraid to fall.  He'll catch you every time, I promise.

Sincerely,

- You

17 Things You Only Do When You're A Writer

Let's be honest here.  When you're a writer, your life looks very different from what is considered "normal".  And the cool part is: That's totally ok!  In fact, it's not just ok, it's rather encouraged.  Being abnormal is your job, and even, dare I say it, your very being.  If you were normal, your stories would just be average.  Nothing unique or interesting would ever happen, and that makes for a pretty horrible novel.

So, in the name of creativity, embrace your abnormality!  

In an effort to display and celebrate what sets writers apart, I've compiled a list of things that I myself have done on my own novelist's journey that could be considered...well...less than sane.  I'm going to take a wild guess that these are things other writers have done as well.  Enjoy!

1. Doing things with your eyes closed so you know the challenges that would ensue if one of your characters ever suddenly went blind.

2. Not being able to go to bed unless there is a notebook on your nightstand, and using it whenever a novel or blog post idea dominates your thoughts at 12am (like this post idea, for instance).

3. As soon as September hits, you feel the instant need to write a countdown to the first day of NaNoWriMo on your calendar, just so you are constantly aware of how many days you have left to prepare.

4. Being extra critical of every book you read, but adoring them anyway because you know first hand how many tears and sleepless nights the author had to go through just to finish the story.

5. Wanting desperately to go to sleep, but that one character won't stop talking to you, so you literally say the words "shut up shut up shut up" out loud a bunch of times in your best Sherlock impression until you can't hear them anymore.

6. Your iPod is filled with pictures of people you've never met just because they look like how you imagine some of your characters.

7. Creating a dramatic death scene in your bedroom when you're bored, complete with a full collapse on the bed and slowly decreasing raspy breaths, so that the death scene in your book can feel more accurate (and then you "die" by allowing your hand to drop suddenly and seeing how long you can hold your breath).

8. You can fall in love with a certain journal in a bookstore faster than you will ever fall in love with a human person, and once that journal catches your eye it is almost a guarantee that it will be coming home with you, no matter how many unfinished journals you already have.

9. There are boards on your Pinterest page with research on just about everything.  Like the level of toxicity of different poisons, well known and common phrases in Latin, the varying ranks of nobility, a list of the different ways a bone could break, a diagram showing how you can tell how much light is left in the day by using your hand, and a life hack post on how to get an extra snack at a vending machine.  You know, just in case.

10. Based on the information above, you realize that people might be coming very aware that they shouldn't be afraid of technology, the government, or a zombie apocalypse anymore.  They should really be afraid of an uprising of writers.

11. According to you, though, this should just make people want to be friends with writers.  For example, if they ever got stranded on an island, you would be the one to know which plants would kill you, how to build a raft that wouldn't sink, and you could spot the human with a hidden agenda from a mile away.

12. Roughly 87.5% of your job is procrastinating by playing solitaire, reading, and scrolling through social media.  The small percentage left over is used for rewriting that one problem sentence over and over again until you feel like a lunatic.

13. The first sentence of a book and the title are THE WORST parts of your job, and are probably the source of most of your insomnia and anxiety issues.

14. Several days each week are spent plotting out antagonists and the horrible things they're going to do to your protagonists.  And yet people still wonder why you have trust issues and don't feel comfortable going out at night.

15. Talking yourself into doing something that seriously scares you by saying it's research, just in case your character should ever experience it someday (roller coaster, high ropes course, rock climbing, a three day back-country canoe trip, etc...).

16. You find posts like this, and save them just to remind yourself that you aren't the only one who feels so much ridiculous passion for the written word...

             

17. Most importantly, you know that writing isn't a plan to get rich and famous.  Writing is an escape to help you find yourself.  The only place where a few minutes of typing can be the difference between questions and answers.

Have you ever done something abnormal or scary for the sake of a novel?  What does your writer's process look like?

Four Literary Friendzones That Actually Turned Out Okay

Hello, readers and fellow bloggers of the world!

So, I've been hearing a lot of negativity on this all-so-horrible subject called "the Friendzone" lately, and from someone who has personally experienced it, I've decided to speak up.  I truly feel like it's not as big of a deal as you're all making it out to be.  I mean, I hate to say you're wrong but...

You're wrong.

Come on, don't go marching off and telling me I don't understand.  I promise, I do!  I know what it feels like to be in that bubble of "Gosh, I like this person a lot, and I'm never even going to get to show it."  But, even though it can be kind of horrible and confusing, I've learned something incredibly important through those experiences...

By trusting the friendzone, we're basically denying our trust in God.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know the "just friends" bubble exists.  But I also know this:

God created the stars in a day, created everything good and beautiful in this world, and yet for some reason we seem to think he can't turn a lovely friendship into something more.  He most definitely CAN do that.  But only by his will, and only in his timing.  If we can't trust him with that much, how are we ever going to trust him at all?

I feel like Jamie Grace's song, Just Friends, says it best...

Father I will place this in your hands

You know me and all my crazy plans

Humbly I surrender this to you

So I'll keep dreaming, you keep coming through

I know you see what I don't see

So I'll be just a friend, I'll be just a friend

I know that I will be happy

Even if we're just friends, I'll be just a friend

I guess that's that

To be honest, I'm a strong believer that the friendzone is actually one of the healthiest ways to begin a relationship.  If you want to know more on why I think the "Dreaded Friendzone" is actually important, check out the blog post here.

Basically, what it comes down to is that most of the things we desire in this world take wisdom and discernment in order to be cared for properly.  But they also take something else, which is the reason for the clock in that picture up there.

Patience.

Believe me, I'm preaching mostly to myself here.  If something is in God's will, it will happen, but only in his timing.  Sometimes his timing takes a little while, sometimes a lot of while.  Either way, good things come to those who wait, and that's the lesson I took away with me from the books below.

So, after that entirely long intro... Because of my extreme love for the written word, I have hand picked with care some of my favorite fictional couples that display the friendzone in a positive light.  I hope it inspires you and helps you see the beauty of what it can become, instead of just the "sorrow" of what it is.

Without further ado...in no particular order...here's a little hope for your week.

Annabeth and Percy from Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan

Her first words to him were "you drool when you sleep", they competed and teased each other to no end, and almost lost their lives countless times before finally noticing how much they had grown to care about each other.  Even then, their friendship always came first, and they would do anything (and have done everything) to make sure the other one is alright.  Not even Greek/Roman warfare or a walk through Tartarus could separate these two Camp Half-Blood regulars.

"Put your cap back on," I said.  "Get out!"

"What?"  Annabeth Shrieked.  "No!  I'm not leaving you."

"I've got a plan.  I'll distract them.  You can use the metal spider - maybe it'll lead you back to Hephaestus.  You have to tell him what's going on."

"But you'll be killed!"

"I'll be fine.  Besides, we've got no choice."

Annabeth glared at me like she was going to punch me.  And then she did something that surprised me even more.  She kissed me.

"Be careful, Seaweed Brain."  She put on her hat and vanished.

I probably would've sat there for the rest of the day staring at the lava and trying to remember what my name was but the sea demons jarred me back to reality. 

Emma and Mr. Knightly from Emma by Jane Austen

He knew her and loved her since she was practically a baby.  She considered him her dear friend who was sometimes a little too honest.  Their friendship was a roller coaster, filled with her dizzy, romantic schemes for her friends, and him trying to get her out of trouble.  But no matter how big of a mistake she made, he was always the one to love her just as she was.  I love this story, because the two people who thought themselves the most difficult person to love, ended up finding love in each other.

Emma was almost ready to sink under the agitation of this moment.  The dread of being awakened from the happiest dream, was perhaps the most prominent feeling.

'I cannot make speeches, Emma:' - he soon resumed; and in a tone of such sincere, decided, intelligible tenderness as was tolerably convincing. - 'If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.  But you know what I am. - You hear nothing but truth from me. - I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other woman in England would have borne it. - Bear with the truths I would tell you now, dearest Emma, as well as you have borne with them.'

Note: The quote is from the book, but the picture is from the web-series, Emma Approved, which is most definitely worth checking out.

Walter and Ashley from the Dragons in our Midst series by Bryan Davis

When they met she was a hired genius in a science lab, and much too old for his childish ways and endless humor.  Just a few years later, he's still just as annoyingly optimistic and sarcastic as ever, but it doesn't seem to matter as much to her any more.  He's rescued her and his friends on several occasions, and proven himself to be a man of real integrity.  Maybe he wasn't so obnoxious after all.  In fact, Ashley thinks, maybe she's the one who needs to loosen up and trust in his friendship that has been so constant all this time.

Tears welled in her eyes again.  She tried to swallow back the surge of emotion, but it leaked out through her trembling voice.  "Walter...you know what I said about you and me?"  She rubbed her thumb along his finger.  "Maybe someday.  ...I mean, when we're older."  Her cheeks flushed hot, and she shook her head.  "I guess I'd better shut up.  I'm getting all sappy."

Setting Excalibur on the steps, Walter rose to his feet and pulled Ashley to hers, keeping their hands locked together as he gazed into her eyes.  "Listen carefully.  We're going to find your brother, your sister, and even your father, and put your family back together.  Then, someday when I'm old enough to learn to be at least half the man your father must have been, I might come knocking at his door and speak to him about a lovely princess I'd like to have a lot more adventures with."

Her tears now flowing, Ashley laid a hand on his cheek.  It was hot and damp.  "Walter, I... I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything.  We have at least a few years between now and then."  He picked up Excalibur and hurried down the stairs.  "We'd better get going." 

Anne and Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

Smashing a school black board over someone's head isn't exactly the crowning way to start a relationship, but it seemed to work out for this pair.  In fact, I would go as far as saying that Gilbert Blythe is the KING of the friendzone.  Anne shunned him to no end, even after they became friends.  And yet, even after all she put him through and all the times she turned him down, he remained dedicated to her in friendship and "would not be sidetracked".  He knew she was the only one he could love, and so he waited patiently and respectfully for several years until she could find it within herself to love him too.  This is my favorite friendzone example.  I could have used any number of scenes as a sample of these characters, but I chose this one specifically because it's the first time Anne finds the notion within herself that there could be something more with Gilbert, and I think it's worded brilliantly.

"Yes, it's beautiful," said Gilbert, looking steadily down into Anne's uplifted face, "but wouldn't it have been more beautiful still, Anne, if there had been NO separation or misunderstanding... If they had come hand in hand all the way through life, with no memories behind them but those which belonged to each other?"

For a moment Anne's heart fluttered queerly and for the first time her eyes faltered under Gilbert's gaze and a rosy flush stained the paleness of her face.  It was as if a veil that had hung before her inner consciousness had been lifted, giving to her view a revelation of unsuspected feelings and realities.  Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this attempt at a little sunshine in the middle of what is usually a negative subject.  And I hope even MORE so that you'll check out all these books for yourselves.  They're really fantastic!

Thanks for reading!  God bless!