Dear Younger Me,
Life is really hard, you know it? I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes God does things that don't make any sense, and it's confusing, and complicated, and messy, and you just don't get it. Mistakes are made almost daily, and sometimes it causes you to wonder if you can do anything right. Here's the deal, all of this will always be present in your life. But I have a secret to tell you. A message from your future that only you can know...
It will get better.
Right now, at this time in your life, you are struggling with friendships. The first guy you ever liked is starting to grow distant. Your heart is experiencing aches and pains that you've never felt before, and there are a whole lot of changes yet to be discovered. Sucky, I know.
Recently, you experienced the pain that came with your grandparents dying five months apart. There were arguments, and auctions, and loss. Your family struggled in ways it never has before, and yet somehow came out in one piece. In the near future you'll lose friends, and gain new ones, only to lose them again. Boys will come and go, leaving shards behind each time. Some of these broken relationships are your fault, and some days you'll think that these are the ones that hurt most of all. You'll become far too good at moving on.
You'll grow up with the assumption that feelings can only lead to negative results, and spend so many days denying your feelings that you'll end up becoming numb to them altogether. There are moments that are about to happen in your life that will still hurt for a long time, and every time you think you've gotten things figured out, a new loop will come and make you question everything all over again. Trust will become an issue, as well as confidence, and sometimes even joy. But through all that, there's something you should know...
You will never be alone.
You're going to feel alone. Some nights you will fall asleep with tears on your cheeks and an ache in your heart just because of desperation for companionship. Some nights I still do. But please, if you remember anything, remember this:
Feeling alone and actually being alone are two different things, and you will never be alone as long as you walk with God.
I've seen everything that you've gone through so far. I know each and every individual scar on your heart, and each name that put it there. I know how hard you fought to forgive, and how long it took to forget. Insecurity is a struggle that everyone faces, but in time you'll learn that the lowest individuals are the ones God calls out first, and the weakest of people can become the strongest of soldiers.
Don't. Give. Up.
There's a reason you went through all of those things. There is a purpose for your pain.
God allowed friends to leave so that you could have empathy and understanding for those who need a shoulder to lean on. He allowed people to put you down so that you would trust in him to define you, and know how to properly encourage those in the same low position. God is going to use your darkness for light, and your lost moments will become a map to guide others to his grace. You are going to experience first hand how God always keeps his promises, and that he truly does 'work all things for the good of those who love him'.
You'll find theatre, and discover that it's the very air you breathe. You'll find out that God placed that talent in your life so that you could use it for his glory, and it will be the greatest adventure you've ever experienced.
Have faith.
You'll start writing everyday, and just as theatre is your breath, words will become your heartbeat. Everything you do will be accompanied by characters that are just now finding a voice in your thoughts.
Let yourself create.
Right now you feel so small. You've made some bad decisions, and some good ones. Let me tell you, no matter how much you accomplish, that feeling will never go away. In fact, the more you try to feel big, the smaller life will make you. So I have some advice...
Stop trying so hard.
You see, I have the advantage of knowing exactly how you operate. You are the type of person who is never swayed by what's currently "popular", but is always shaken by the disappointment you feel in yourself. Don't. The world is broken enough without you tearing yourself apart. I know, it is so tempting to be your own worst critic. But the only way you're going be content in anything is to simply make the decision to do so.
Just be.
Right now it may feel like you are doomed to never have a true friend in the world, but don't lose hope. Eventually, friends will find you. But it will happen when you stop being desperate and just accept who you are. They'll come around you from unexpected places, and they'll be worth the wait, I promise.
Trust God.
And, one final piece of advice. Do you remember that numbness I told you about? It's going to seep into you until feeling and loving is a near impossibility. Satan will use it to mess with your head and bind you in chains of fear and sorrow. I don't care how much pain you go through, please, don't allow yourself to get to that point. Even negative feelings are better than no feelings at all. Trust me. After years upon years of refusing to give in to emotion or show that I care about anything, I'm finally learning how to let that fear go and just live. Don't let it take you that long.
Breathe deeply. Stretch your arms out with closed eyes on windy days. Dance around in your driveway when it rains. Take walks in the autumn woods. Laugh until your stomach aches and your throat makes those weird gasping noises. Let your hair down. Brew more tea. Read yourself to sleep during thunderstorms. Enjoy the rare closeness you have with your family. Love without condition, and trust like you've never been hurt.
Most of all, wake up each day with the determination to find a bit of beauty in everything.
You have so much innocent joy to offer this sad world, and so much love to give away. Your life has so much passion and purpose in store, and I haven't even seen most of it yet. If you follow my advice and learn from my mistakes, I can't even imagine how much more good you could do. And God will be with you every step of the way, so don't be afraid to fall. He'll catch you every time, I promise.
Sincerely,
- You
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