Lately I've been wrestling with a question.
Well, not just lately. I've been struggling with this question for a long time now. It's just recently, after writing a play about a love story and then walking through a breakup shortly after, that I've actually had the time to really ponder this conundrum all over again. That question is this...
What is love?
I know the typical answer, from a Christian perspective, is that "God is love." That's true, and I treasure that truth in my heart. But at the moment I'm talking about romantic love. I've been turning it over and over in my mind, and I just keep coming up short. I've even interviewed people I know on the subject, asking questions about how they and their significant other met and when they "knew" this was the person they'd spend the rest of their life with.
Was it a bolt of lightning or writing on the wall? Was it some magical fuzzy feeling, or something they said? Was it a particular list of things they had in common?
The evidence I've found has been...inconclusive at best. Everyone's story is different. All lovely, all perfectly orchestrated by God in his perfect timing. But all different.
Today, when I was asking God more questions, he placed my favorite book series on my heart. I haven't touched its pages in months, which is unusual for me. Over the years it seems I've constantly gone back to that one series to find deeper wisdom, and allowed God to speak to my heart from it.
That series is Dragons in our Midst by Bryan Davis.
Today God brought to mind two specific quotes from that series. Quotes that I used to have memorized, and yet now had almost totally forgotten. Apparently, I needed a refresher.
Boy, did I ever.
The first quote is from Tears of a Dragon (Dragons in our Midst, Book 4, pages 103,105)
When it comes to being a godly wife someday, this quote always convicts me, because these are points that involve patience, and I am not good at that. But I'm growing, and I have a feeling I'll keep coming back to this passage as I do.
And not only does this apply to being a godly wife, but as a sister, a daughter, and a friend, too.
Bonnie glanced around at all the quiet activity. "Isn't anyone going with Walter?" she asked. "He looked really upset."
Marilyn spread one arm around Ashley and one around Bonnie. "There's something I've learned about men. They're indispensable. Well, not all men, I suppose, but at least the good ones. In one way, they're fiercely independent, holding their own beliefs and passionately following visions that no one else can see. They need time alone to gather their thoughts, seek God's counsel, and get reenergized. But, when they get back together, they lay aside their differences and forge an unbreakable unit, like a single sword that rips through their enemies with furious rage."
Ashley pulled away from Marilyn's embrace. "I think I understand what they're feeling. I'd like to be alone for a while, too." She strolled toward the trees, waving behind her. "I'll be back."
Marilyn kept her arm around Bonnie. "Looks like it's you and me, kid."
(Skipping down a little bit to where the conversation picks up again)
(Marilyn) wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them closer. "Trials change a man, you know. They make a godly man stronger, wiser, a better leader, and, believe it or not, more humble."
Marilyn nodded toward Billy. He was shining the pendant's light on a page of Fama Regis, carefully studying the glowing letters. The light flashed back into his face, trimming his skin in scarlet and brushing his hair with reddish highlights. Bonnie smiled. Billy looked more like his father than ever before.
"Whatever you do, Bonnie, give him room to be a leader. Give him time to fill out his masculine frame, always supporting him with love and encouragement. If he drags himself home from a defeat on the battlefield, impatient nagging will just cut his legs from under him, but an encouraging word will puff his chest out and make him charge back into battle. He needs a woman to inject him with power and purpose, because a good man draws his sword for only one reason, to protect his wife and children."
Another tingle raced across Bonnie's skin, and her heart thumped. Her soul drank in the words as Marilyn continued.
"The mind-numbing complaints of a shrieking shrew will pour acid in his cuts and squeeze dry his masculine energy. But the tender hands of a loving wife will salve his wounds and open the floodgates to power from above."
This conversation totally put things in perspective for me. And it opened my eyes to the fact that I handled so many things incorrectly in my past relationships. I love how beautifully this is worded, and I ache to be this kind of person so desperately. To be the kind of woman who lifts up the men in her life, and infuses them with the strength and energy to charge onto the spiritual battle field.
The other thing I've learned about love from this series, though, is that being a godly wife first requires the commitment of a godly man. That's where the next passage comes in. Without a doubt, this is my favorite conversation in any book I've ever read, and the pages of this chapter are worn to prove it. These words always bring a smile to my face and light a flame within me, spurring me on to wait for a man who will see me this way.
This passage is from The Bones of Makaidos (Oracles of Fire, Book 4, pages 483-485)
Clearing his throat and hoping to keep his voice steady, he said, "So does that mean you don't want to marry me?" He cringed. Was that too bold?
(Bonnie's) face displayed half amusement and half anguish. "No, no. That's not it at all. I just want to know that I don't have to marry you. I want us both to be sure that we want to. If you love me, I want you to pursue my heart with your courage, your kindness, and your godly manner. And I want to freely give my heart to you in love, not by compulsion because of a prophecy that seems to chain us together without a choice."
As she continued, tears streamed down both cheeks. "Ever since Someone labeled me as the prophetic virgin bride, I was okay with it, because you're such a great guy, but it felt like an arranged marriage. We didn't have any choice. Then, when I heard that the prophesy might not be for us, I felt free. I didn't have to marry you if I didn't want to."
She caressed his cheek, her voice shaking. "But that's a good thing, Billy. If we really do get married, neither one of us will ever wonder about being bound by someone else's words, a predestined edict that denies our free will and forces us to obey its irresistible decree. Instead we can come together by a choice to love that is free and resistible, because if we aren't able to choose to walk away from each other, then our coming together wouldn't be because of love at all, would it?"
As she drew back her hand, a torrent of conflicting emotions flooded his mind. She was so right. Being bound like that wouldn't be love. Freedom to choose a life partner was the basis of love in the first place. Being dragged by fiat into a relationship would be nothing more than bondage. Still, not knowing for sure that he would forever be with this amazing girl nearly tore him apart. Finally, he squeezed out a reply. "I...I think you're right. But it's scary. It was kind of..." He paused. The words had to be just right. "It was comfortable, I guess, knowing that you would be in my future. I didn't have to guess what was going to happen."
Her fists clenched in her lap. "But I don't want you to be comfortable. I want you to win my heart. I want you to fight for me, sweat for me, bleed for me. I want you to know that you had to pay a valuable price for me, and that I am a treasure in your mind, not a trophy that was handed to you because of a divine proclamation."
Billy looked into her fiery eyes. She had been bold, confident, and true. Again, she was right, and he couldn't say a word.
She laid her palms on her chest, covering the sunburst on her uniform. Then, slowly, ever so slowly, she extended her arms, her palms up. "Here is my heart, Billy. It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive."
He glanced between her palms and her pleading eyes. "How much will it cost me?"
With a quivering smile, she wept through her words. "Everything. It will cost you your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part." Sniffing back a sob, she added, "But don't answer now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend."
Billy cupped his hand over her palms, making a covering for her "heart." Firming his jaw, he pushed every ounce of energy he had into his voice, giving it strength, yet a sense of calmness, like a lighthouse in the midst of a storm. "Watch me, Bonnie. We have battles ahead. We have enemies to conquer. And we have women and children to protect from some of the greatest evils imaginable. But I will not neglect this mission. I will show you how much you mean to me, how precious your heart is to mine. And when you see how much I'm willing to pay, then you can decide if it's enough to buy what is priceless."
The very idea of a man ever loving me this much is unfathomable to me. Honestly, I could type up this entire series scene by scene for examples of beautiful godly relationships. I've been reading about these characters since the 5th grade, and I've gotta tell you, even though the men in these books are far from perfect, they set the standard at an early age.
I don't want to settle.
Not when it comes to being a godly woman. Not when it comes to finding a godly man. And definitely not when it comes to building a godly marriage.
I have this list. It's the typical "I Need A Guy Who..." list that every girl makes when waiting for her husband to come along. Mine has well over fifty points to it so far. But God convicted me about that a few months ago.
"You only need one," he said. "Let me give it to you."
So, I opened my heart, and he did. That one standard is this...
"Can I serve God better with this man by my side than I can without?"
This hit me so hard. Especially when I realized that, so far, for every guy I've ever dated, the answer was no. Every single one.
Honestly, though, it's not their fault. The realm of ministry I'm in is so, so hard. It's the type of ministry that you can't really get away from when you go home. I'm painstakingly aware that the guy God sends my way is going to have to be prepared for so many things, and he's going to have to put up with having a crazy theatre ministry director as a wife. I get it, that is not normal. He's going to have to be very special and unique, and I'm counting on it. I won't settle for anything less.
So...if my future guy happens to be reading this...
Here's my heart.
It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive. It will cost you everything. Your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part. But don't answer me now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend.
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