Lately it seems like my world has been surrounded by dating/love/marriage conversation on all sides. Ever since I started working as a server at the Florian Gardens (a popular destination for weddings and receptions) a year and a half ago, I've had married life pushing into my thoughts a lot. It's probably a normal thing to think about at my age, but I've never really considered...well...how much there is to consider when it comes to this topic.
After working a number of weddings that's probably stepped past the 30s or so, I've learned a ton about couples. After reading countless dating guides and watching every courtship, engagement, and wedding episode of 19 Kids and Counting with my family, I've realized how much it takes to make a relationship work. And after growing up with 1940's musicals as my dream dating situation, I've gotten very used to the idea that the kind of love I idealize isn't newfangled; it's old fashioned (Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly anyone?).
My "first official date" taught me a lot about relationships.
There was planning, tons of discussion behind the scenes on how to make it perfect, and the only one who didn't seem to have unbelievably high expectations for the occasion was me. All I wanted was a simple evening where we could be ourselves, talk, and enjoy each other's company. Yet, somehow, everyone else managed to convince us that we should want something much more complicated and straight out of a fairytale, and we made the mistake of listening.
We stressed over how we looked, we were scared to speak, and we constantly worried that it wouldn't be the "perfect story" that everyone else was expecting. We had spent our entire friendship leading up to that date just being ourselves and not caring what each other, or anyone else, thought. Then the moment we were thrown into a typical dating situation we felt totally different. It wasn't our natural "make it up as we go" routine, and it was uncomfortable. The date ended up turning out well, and the day itself was beautiful, but in that one evening I discovered why so many marriages don't work out...
Because people tend to live for the story, not for the moment.
To me it seems like most of this world... Actually, I would go as far as saying 90% of this world, assumes that the person who does dating well will also do marriage well. What people don't realize is that these are two totally opposite things! In dating, when it doesn't work you just move on and start over. When you go out for an evening, the guy pays, the guy plans, and the guy is the one on whom the tone of the evening rests.
Now I'm not saying that a guy who does all that isn't attractive (in fact, a guy who offers to plan and pay is very attractive).
What I am saying is this:
Yes, the men are meant to be the head of the household and the point of leadership. I totally believe that they were designed for that job. I also believe that women were created to play the more submissive role, and to be the gentle support of the relationship. But isn't it also true that the whole point of marriage is meant to be two people joining as one and working through things as a team? A team where God leads you both forward amidst the messiness of life, understanding that the only perfection that will ever realistically exist in the relationship will be the perfection of Christ?
If you're going to date realistically, take turns going to each other's homes and hanging out with family. If you want to do something just the two of you, why not make it classically simple. Go to the movies, watching one you both want to see, or taking turns making a compromise (an action film for him, a chick flick for her). Go to a park and talk about life. Go bowling, and the loser can pay for coffee afterwards. Be spontaneous, last minute, and messy! Why?
Because life is spontaneous, last minute, and messy, and your marriage will be too!
We've grown too accustomed to the entitled lifestyle of perfectly planned and elitely organized dating expectations. Every girl I know (including myself) has a Pinterest board full of detailed plans about what they desire for their future relationships to be, and if they don't they've at least thought about it a lot. Believe me, I'm as guilty as the next female. But if you think about it...
Doesn't it make more sense just to live, love, and choose to find joy in the simple things?
I think it does.
Now, at this point you might be asking, how does the friendzone fit into all of this? Keep reading. Trust me. This was a really roundabout process, but I'm getting there.
I have known quite a few males and females alike who look for people who "date well". To be honest, I've never understood the appeal. I don't know about you, but something about the whole dating idea just seems so fake. You could pretend the whole way through, and not even learn a thing about each other. No... Not for me.
I'm far more captured when I discover a guy who exceeds relationally inside the honesty and vulnerability of close friendship. There are no expectations, no pressure points (most of the time), and nothing to be gained or lost on either side. Just two people who care about each other and want to know more. That's all it takes.
In my mind: Friendship well = Marriage well.
If I can comfortably talk to you about anything and feel that my thoughts are being equally heard and considered, I will trust you.
If you can talk to me about anything and I find myself captivated by your honesty and compelled to open up my schedule for more quality time will you, you will be one step closer to winning my heart.
If I thirst for a Christ-centered, more faith based version of myself after each time we hang out, I will probably start inadvertently picturing our wedding day and naming our children. (Weird, I know, but that's just how the female mind works).
Not a single date needed.
Eventually, when I do get married, I'm going to want someone I can watch the stars with on the driveway in the summertime, and listen to the rain with when it storms. I'll want a hand to hold at the movies, and the comfort of feeling his arm around me at church every Sunday. I'll want to go to lunch after church service and talk about the message, and then eventually share that tradition with our kiddos. We could spend late nights together, planning trips, talking about life, and just plain dreaming for the future. I hope I'll be able to tell what he's thinking, just by that certain look on his face. Everything we plan, dream, and do will be done together. We'll have trouble, and we'll disagree. But God will always be at the center, and we'll use the love He has for us to make us a stronger, more closely knit couple.
And the most important part:
When two people who started in the friendzone begin a relationship, they'll never have to worry that the only motivation for becoming a couple was emotions. When you start with friendship, the connection is raw, and unhindered, and real. There are no butterflies, speeding heartbeats, or shimmering eyes to tell you that you love this person. Just conversation, similarity, and trust.
From there, it's all based on character, and whether or not you feel called to the same things. Not to mention, it's a whole lot easier to hear God speak on the matter when there aren't a bunch of fuzzy feelings charging through your system. It's just a much healthier way to approach a relationship, and a simpler way to get to know if this is someone you would like to spend your whole life with.
So, to summarize...
I'm not saying you shouldn't date.
Dating, or courting, or whatever you want to call it, is a healthy part of the process toward marriage, and I believe that special time together is important in order to get to know each other and learn if this is the person that God intends for you to be with. That's when you start seeing how well you work as a couple.
However, dating should not be a perfect little box of happy, or something you do because of pressure.
It should be the next level in a friendship heading toward marriage.
I believe that dating was not meant to be the very first step in a relationship. This whole chain reaction should start with the base of a sturdy, laughter-filled, good old fashioned friendship. The only place where two people are able to truly, honestly learn about each other without any sort of barriers or walls attached.
Because I don't want a date as my husband... I need a lifelong friend.
One of my favorite Youtubers says it best in the video below. The friendzone is just a way for God to show us his love, grace, and powerful ability to change hearts for the better. It also teaches us patience, and forces us to fully put our trust in God. Still need proof that the Friendzone is a great place to be? Check it out...
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