To Be Honest: Marriage or Ministry?

Note: As a general rule, please read this whole story, otherwise you might end up confused.  Me thanks you :)

One of my greatest struggles that I've been dealing with over the past few months might surprise you.  Until recently, I didn't actually think that I would ever ask this question.  But, sure enough, God did the unexpected and had me thinking through this question anyway.  What question?

Should I continue doing ministry, or should I get married?

I know, that sounds super weird, especially because I am very single right now, but that's why I'm writing about it.  Let me explain...

Ever since starting the teenage drama group, TAG, four years ago my life has been a roller coaster.  Aly's world is basically surrounded on all sides by ministry and the various jobs that are included in that, and let me tell you, it's a beautiful place to be.  I'm a counselor, drama teacher, writer, actor, director, sister, friend, and so much more.  And each of those jobs has a different set of responsibilities.

But the best part is: I love what I do, and I can see God's hand in everything.

I'm a very independent minded individual, which is extremely helpful considering my job description.  I rely on God and myself for everything, only going to others when I absolutely have to (which isn't necessarily always a good thing).  I love my life in ministry, and I've never seen anything wrong with it.

Until recently, when I read an article that penetrated my thoughts like an arrow to the brain.

The article was about how to know if you're being called to a life of singleness.  I don't know what it was that resulted in me clicking on that article, but I was curious, so I clicked on it.

I didn't think it would change anything... But it did.

One section of the article talked about considering being single if you're deeply involved in ministry.  The writer said that this situation is often a difficult one to raise a family in, and makes marriage even harder sometimes (depending on the level of ministry involvement).  As soon as I stopped to think about it, with all that's been going on in my life lately, it didn't take very long for me to confirm that this might not be the best environment to bring a family, or even a husband, into.

I'm a female, so I think about stuff a lot.  And since I've grown so much in the past year, my mind has just naturally started traveling to what my life would look like with a spouse and kids.  As soon as I finished that article and began really thinking about it, though, I kind of freaked out.  It took awhile to admit it to myself, but my current career goals could be really, really hard in a classic family situation.

Every week I act as a counselor for around 20 teenagers, which is an incredible blessing in my life, but can also be a little taxing.  It takes time, prayer, and a lot of energy to lead a large group of actors every week.  Because of this, any relationship I enter would not only have my ups and downs, but the ups and downs of these teenagers too.  Based on where I feel God is leading me, it's very possible that I could be traveling quite often in the future as well.  This is great for a single pringle, but not so great for a married couple with separate jobs.

This probably sounds ridiculously worrisome, but if I have a family, I want to get it right.

Don't get me wrong, I want a family more than anything.  I've been pinning homeschooling, marriage, and kid stuff on Pinterest for over a year now in anticipation for the day that I'll finally get to share adventures with a little family of my own.  But this year I've been having to ask myself, "Is my lifestyle one that could be healthy for a mom and wife to have?"  I've witnessed ministry families that barely see each other, and their kids end up being terribly neglected.  I don't want to end up being that parent.  I also don't want my family to end up having "those kids".  They deserve better.

It's not all bad though.  I've also witnessed married couples who do ministry work together, and are stronger for it.  There are husband and wife public speakers, filmmakers, musicians, actors, etc...  And they're better off because they work together.  In fact, some of the strongest marriages I've seen are those of couples who work together in their ministry to build on each other's skill sets.  It's like the ultimate dream team, and it's incredible to watch!  Most of these couples have kids as well, and bring their children to do ministry work with them.  In these situations, marriage, family, and ministry mesh together in such a beautiful way.  It's like a harmonizing trio of singers when they hit their notes just right.

So the only thing left for me to decide was which one does God want for me?

I guess I've always assumed that when you grow up, getting married and having kids is just part of the deal.  Until recently, I had never even stopped to consider that God could have a different plan for my life, or that God could possibly lead me to a place where having a family of my own would be a toxic situation.  These ideas and thoughts shook me in a way that I haven't experienced in awhile.  But I realize now why this long thought process definitely needed to happen.

I prayed.  I prayed a whole lot...  And God answered.  

For the first time, I was forced to consider whether or not I really desire marriage and a family, instead of just accepting it as the normal thing that happens to everyone.  Did I want to continue following my dream of being an author and a theatre director, or did I want to give that up to become a wife and a mom?  Was this a choice that even needed to be made?

I felt that it was, and I felt that this was something that God really wanted me to consider.

Then, a few days ago, God finally told me what I've been needing to hear.  As I was journaling about this problem, and the choice I felt I needed to make, God opened my eyes.  I realized that my desire for ministry and my desire for family held equal sway over my heart, and both are things that I feel strongly called to.  I didn't know how I could do both, but in that moment I didn't need to know.  God reminded me of all the couples I've seen who do ministry together, and at once I felt that ministry and family were meant to go hand in hand in my life.

I saw the flowers in all their many colors in my mom's garden, and the birds that flew around our yard, and how both were beautifully designed and created by God.  It reminded me that I'm beautifully designed and created too.  God has a glorious purpose for me, and in that moment I saw that I shouldn't be measuring my own strength against that purpose.  My desires for both a ministry and a family are there by design, not by chance, and I know that if I follow God's plan he will give me the strength to do both.

And if God created me to be an author, director, wife, and mother all at the same time, he will also give me the strength and wisdom to do so.

This realization had me feeling lighter than I have in a long time.  The best part about it is that I had the blessing of sharing these thoughts with a few of my girlfriends a day later, and found out that I'm not the only one who's been dealing with this issue.  Apparently a lot of girls feel the need to choose between a career and a family.  We all shared our own personal experiences with this idea, and delighted in the fact that we worship and serve a God who can help us do both!

So on the way home, I prayed again.  But this time, instead of praying for guidance, I prayed for my future husband and family.  I prayed that God would send me a man who's heart is like mine: 100% passionate about ministry, and 100% passionate about family.  I prayed that this man would be just as in love with the purpose and teenagers of TAG as I am, and prayed that, God willing, he would maybe even want to make this team of teenagers a part of his purpose as well.  I prayed that our family would be close, and that our kids would grow to love the Lord.  Most of all, I simply prayed that God would take control, and keep my feet pointed in the right direction.

And as I pulled in my driveway that night, the peace I felt was instant, and I couldn't help but smile.

Have you ever experienced worry over a choice like this one?  How did you decide what to do?  Is this a decision that you still struggle with today?  Let me know!