"What is your problem?"
It's a fair enough question. Everyone has one. In fact, I'm extremely willing to bet that everyone has several. There's just the difference between those who honestly admit it, and those who don't.
I'm one of those people who admits it. The one that everyone dreads asking the "How are you?" question, because they know I'll answer honestly. If I'm not okay, I will tell you flat out. I don't have secrets. As a youth leader and theatre director I make every effort in the world to be as real as possible, and being an open book seems to be the best way to do that.
The thing about being an open book... It's contagious.
A little while ago I wrote about working in youth ministry, and several lessons I've learned from it. One of those lessons involved vocabulary words that have become a part of my everyday conversations. Self-harm. Anorexia. Depression. Pornography. Anxiety. PTSD. Suicide. The list goes on and on. And what I've found over the years is that there's one thing all of these words have in common.
These words are not the problem.
Parents tell me all the time how their teen is acting out/hiding away/always searching for something more.
"I just don't know why they're clinging so hard to this unhealthy relationship."
"They're so angry all the time for no reason."
"We've tried every preventative measure and punishment, but they can't get past this addiction."
I hate to tell you this, but Jack Sparrow might have actually been right about something: "The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem."
When young adults are struggling through emotional baggage, gripping tightly to unhealthy habits/relationships, and becoming self-destructive, it's not a disease. The words in that list up there are not a diagnosis. They're a symptom.
Here's an example...
Say you have a brain tumor. It's there, it's growing, it inhibits the functionality of your daily life, and you're well aware that it exists. But instead of searching for a treatment for the original issue, you take a variety of medications to suppress the pains associated with that issue. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Not even close.
In fact, the longer you go along ignoring the tumor, the more it will grow, and the worse the symptoms will become.
I've known parents who found out that their teen had depression and was suicidal, and instead of offering compassion and seeking the source of the issue, reacted with anger. Some of the parents I've encountered even separated their child from our team of counselors when we tried to help them, grounding the teen from social situations and communication devices, and isolating them even further.
Let me be very clear: This is not the answer.
Separating the youth from positive social situations and denying the problem exists does not lead to a solution, it makes you an enabler.
If a teen you know is struggling with some sort of problem mentality, you have much bigger things to worry about than the initial situation. In every case I've seen, something much deeper was going on. These youth were dying inside long before the signs began to surface. This is where much more important words enter the picture.
Bullying. Emotional and physical abuse. Loss of a loved one. Divorce. Abandonment. Traumatic experience. Anything that might have altered the teens life in a dramatic way that they had no control over.
This is where the disease is found.
Now, I'm not saying it's a consistent rule that there's always something more going on behind the scenes when these symptoms appear. But in almost 8 years of youth ministry, I have yet to encounter a young adult situation where this didn't turn out to be the case. Thankfully, there is a solution...
Get to the source.
Now, those four words have more than one meaning. And each meaning is just as crucial as the others for getting to a cure. In my experience, these are the measures that improve and even prevent harmful situations from taking place.
1. The Source of the Emotion
When an initial outburst of unusual emotion happens, please, PLEASE do not revert to accusing the youth of "just wanting attention." I can't even tell you how damaging this is. Nine times out of ten there is something so much deeper going on. Every time you pull out the attention card you're telling the youth in question that you are not a person they can ever feel safe opening up to. The youth is going to lose respect for you, cling more tightly to their negative behavior, and will start seeking out other (most likely less moral) sources of comfort and trust.
Instead, try to get to the source of the behavior. Why do they seek out this habit/addiction/relationship? What need is it filling for them (and what is something positive that could fill that need instead)? When was the inciting incident that set this in motion?
And if the source of the issue happens to involve you in a negative way, LISTEN. Do not react with immediate harshness and anger. Calmly hear them out, ask questions about how the situation can be made better. Compromise. In other words, please, BE THE ADULT.
Put simply, react the way you would want your teen to react if roles were reversed and you brought a fault to their attention. Be respectful, attentive, and make an effort to understand their thoughts rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.
2. The Source of the Symptom
Once the source of the initial emotion is discovered, you can work toward a solution to the symptoms. When did depression start becoming more prevalent in their life? If drugs and alcohol are a bandage, where's the wound? What brought on their distrust in adult relationships, and caused them to start disrespecting authority? Find out their logic behind it.
Trust me, in most cases it doesn't take a PHD to get teens to open up. All it takes is someone who's willing to listen without immediately judging them or telling them their problem "could be worse." To them, the problem already is worse. All they want is someone to talk to about it.
Again, this takes calm listening skills, patience, and a gentle nature. Don't rush them to open up. Don't force them into telling you. Just respectfully ask the questions and allow them to tell you in their own time (it'll be sooner than you think, I promise).
No matter the attitude you're getting, the young person has most likely already considered needing help and advice in their situation, and are simply searching out the right person to approach by process of elimination. When they're finally ready to open up, make sure you're the person they feel safe with, instead of the person who will immediately default to anger and problem-solving.
Make the person more important than the problem.
3. The Source of True Healing
At the center of everything, what your youth needs more than anything is prayer. Lift them up to God daily. Ask that the Lord will surround them with people who can uplift and encourage them in the right ways when you aren't able to. Make sure your youth knows that you and God will both love them no matter what choices they make.
Seriously, that last one is super important.
So many young people think love from the adults in their life is conditional. Any overstepping of boundaries or doing something worthy of disappointment and they suddenly feel like they'll only be tolerated by their family for the rest of their lives. This isn't an exaggeration. So many teens feel this way, and it breaks my heart.
Let them know, before it's too late, that your love for them is unconditional instead of the alternative. Reassure them constantly that you're there for them no matter what. Remind them that you're there to walk with them through the storms, and that God is in control. Give them every opportunity to know that you are a safe place, a source of solid ground, and that you're willing to fight for them in every kind of storm.
I know I'm a young, unmarried person who has no parenting experience, so I understand if you have some reservations about heeding this advice. I only hope that you test these waters for yourself. Interview the teens in your life and find out if this process of assistance is something they would find beneficial.
I'm so very thankful for the young people that God has placed in my social circle. I consider them dear friends and family, and watching them grow is such a major blessing. I hope you have the chance to experience that joy!
I hope you all have a blessed week. Keep changing the world one step at a time!
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