A Time For Honesty... (The Continuation)

A couple of weeks ago I put out a post where I divulged several of my "not-so-secret" faults into the wide open air.  I was totally vulnerable about the things I do too often, the things I don't do enough, and the things that I'm just plain bad at.  I wore my heart on my sleeve, and allowed myself to completely tear into everything I don't do right, and to be totally honest...

I absolutely loved it.  

Writing all of those things down was an eye opener for me.  I learned a ton just by simply opening up and sharing the honest-to-goodness downfalls that make me who I am.  But in the midst of my shortcomings, I found something very important...

Like wiping off a dirty window, with each fault released into the open I found a hint of sunlight shining through.  It's as though I'd been so blindsided by struggling to hide everything I don't like about myself, that I had totally missed all the qualities that make me wonderful, or even just the qualities that make me unique.  

In fact, in the midst of all those qualities that I struggle with as a human being, I happened upon one quality that I'm actually really good at...

I am really, REALLY good at self-criticism.

Seriously though, writing all of that down was super easy!  I came up with that list in minutes, and even went back to add some more at the end just for good measure.  It didn't take any hesitation at all to post it either.  Within two seconds of finishing the final edit, I had published it for the world to see and had even felt good about it.  It wasn't until a few days later that I realized the huge mistake I had made. 

What I wrote in that post was great, and true, and healthy, to be sure.

But what I've been doing on a daily basis my whole life... that's horrible.

Let me explain.

I'm a generally likeable person.  I have lots of friends in several different circles.  I've had a couple instances with bullying, but not anywhere close to the harsh experiences others have endured.  I've grown up in a wonderful family that loves and cares about me.  So who is it that makes me feel so lowly and held back all the time?

That's easy.  Me.

If there is one thing that I am very VERY bad at, it's admitting that I have worth.  I can list twelve different things that I've done wrong in the amount of time it takes me to openly admit one thing I do well.  I used to call it humility.  Now I realize it's satan.

Psalm 139:13-16 says this...

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me 

were written in your book 

before one of them came to be.

To not accept and profess openly about who God created me to be, and insist on hiding those gifts and talents behind a wall of wrongdoings is not only very unhealthy.  It's also robbing those gifts and talents of their worth!  Over this past week I realized that the reason I don't have as many critics as other people around me isn't because I'm perfect, but because I do a perfectly fine job of criticizing myself on my own.  All this time I've been thinking that sort of attitude was right by God, when I've really only been trying to do right by myself.

That's got to change.

Today I've decided to start giving the same amount of grace to myself that I've been giving to everyone else.  I'm going to look past every one of my shortcomings, forgive my own mistakes, and choose to see all the good that I am.  That's what God wants for us, right?  To see the good he created in us?

I think so.

Now, it's not going to be easy.  Honestly, even after writing this it's taken me two and a half days just to decide to actually post it.  But I know this is right, and I feel in my heart that this is what God would want for me: to accept fully and graciously the person he created me to be.

Also, this doesn't mean I'm going to become some big-headed braggadocio.  There's a fine line between accepting the beautiful goodness and purpose that God has created in you, and using your status as a way to improve your position and stature in comparison to others.  Everyone has talents worth celebrating!  And each person's unique set of gifts is just as incredible as the next!  That's what makes embracing your own wonder so exciting...

Once you realize how many strengths you have, noticing the strengths of others doesn't feel so threatening.  Suddenly, you find yourself able to celebrate and discuss each other's gifts shamelessly, just as God intended it!

So, what is so good, grand, and special about Aly Fenske?  As a first-time exorcise, I'm going to make a list of all the gifts, talents, and beautiful quirks that make me, me.  

Here I go...

• I have a wonderfully unique, quirky, and one-of-a-kind thought process.  Because of this I have the grand ability to make people feel totally comfortable in their own skin, allowing them to open up about their true personality.  It's kind of like a super power.

• God has given me the beautiful gift of a vast and colorful imagination.  I can close my eyes and drift to a thousand different places. To me it's greater than the best kind of magic.

• I'm extremely good at reading people.  When I know someone for awhile, I can usually tell pretty clearly what sort of mood they're in, what they're thinking about, and if I need to step in and help.  I can also identify people's God-given gifts and talents with ease, even if they haven't figured it out themselves yet (which gets frustrating sometimes).

• While most people are either a "dreamer" or a "doer", I happen to be both!  I find so much of my joy in taking the ideas and plans that circulate in my mind and making them into a reality.  It's just what I'm built for.

• I'm a fantastic writer.  Communicating my thoughts through the written word has always come really, really easily to me.  Whenever I don't understand something that's going on in my life, I just journal about it, or blog about it, and it helps me sort out my brain so I can work towards solving the problem.  

• I'm a very passionate person.  Some consider this a weakness, but I've hardly ever seen it that way.  When someone I care about isn't ok, I become emotionally linked to them.  I feel what they feel, and automatically want to help them get back on their feet.

• I'm very determined.  When I know in my heart that God wants me to do something, I strive for it and chase after it with everything inside me.  I still experience fear, but very rarely does fear actually stop me from completing something that I feel I need to do.

• God has given me the ability to connect easily with teens and young adults.  Ever since I was in the early teenage years myself, I could tell that this specific age group was my cup of tea.  Many of the teens I know tend to come to me for advice, and I don't get stressed around high energy middle- and high-schoolers like most people seem to.

• I was designed for leadership.  In everything I do, and everywhere I go, I seem to end up in charge of something.  Whether it's being the oldest sibling in my family, helping younger students edit English papers at school, or directing actors for various theatre performances, leadership opportunities seem to just follow me around.

• I'm super creative!  Because my imagination runs at full speed all the time, creating and problem solving seem to be second nature to me.  I love making new things that have never been seen before.  It brings me the greatest amount of joy, and I always wonder if that's how God felt when he created us!

Holy cows........  I did it!  WOOHOO, that felt FANTASTIC!  Wow, I guess I have a lot to offer after all.  And I didn't even list everything that came to mind, just the most significant ones.  I've got a ton of random little skills as well!  Maybe I'll make a list of those things next time, just for fun.  For now, I really just want to hear what you think....

Can you relate to being your own worst critic?  When was the last time you made a list of the things you're good at?  What would that list say?  I want to hear all about it, so feel free to share your own story with me in the comments!

Bits and Pieces: Have-Not's Alley

As you may have noticed, I didn't put out a Tidbit Tuesday blog post last week.  After considering my crazy lifestyle, I realized that scheduling out my blog might not be the best idea.  Especially because I won't always have a bit of story in mind to post anyway.  So, I've decided to rename this segment "Bits and Pieces", and use it to post my favorite bits of reading or writing on any given day, not just Tuesdays.

Today I've chosen an excerpt from a novel that I started writing during NaNoWriMo in 2013.  I've always had this obsession with fairytales, but I'm always bothered by how perfect the characters are made to be.  Nobody is actually perfect, so I decided it might be fun to create a fairytale with characters who have faults, make mistakes, and need to be brought back down to earth sometimes.  That's what this scene is all about.  

That, and I really like the character Christopher.  I always imagine him having a Scottish accent and that makes me super happy.

Enjoy!

The less public way into town was the path through Have-Not's Alley that I usually took to get around, and although it normally remained pretty empty, today it was packed with people.  On holidays like this one, the back alleys of the town were used by immigrants and poor folk as a grand mall of sorts.  The narrow, filthy streets were crowded with beggars, buyers, and even some carts for vendors.  It seemed every single person in the entire village was out enjoying the festivities, or even just taking advantage of the good moods of the people. 

I lifted the hood on my cloak so that no one would recognize me as the Prince and beg for my assistance (or wealth), and concentrated on looking at my feet.  I knew these streets better than I knew the castle, so navigating them with my head down did not prove to be much of a challenge...until...

Someone was following me.  Someone in a green cape, who also had their hood down over their eyes.  Every time I stopped or took the slightest hesitation, they would stop as well and pretend to look at one of the items that was for sale.  But I could tell they weren't just shopping, whoever they were, because every time I stopped they appeared a little bit closer than before..

I began to pick up speed, trying to be subtle about it.  My strange shadow picked up speed as well.  This was good.  Now I could hear their footsteps amidst the crowd.  The faster I walked, the louder their steps became.  My heart elevated in rhythm, pounding in my chest like a drum.  Finally, I made up my mind to find out who my new "secret" watcher was. 

I broke into an all-out run, navigating the city's back streets with little hesitation.  Just as I hoped, my shadow ran to match my speed.  My timing would have to be perfect if this was going to work. To my right was a line of buildings, the back sides of town shops and stores with around five or six feet of space in between each one.   I waited until the person behind me was lined up with one of these small alleyways between buildings, then I turned and pounced.  Quick as a coiled snake I pushed the person up against the building, pinned them to the wall with my arm across their collarbone, and tore the hood off their head to reveal...

"Christopher?"

"Hello, Daniel.  Fancy seeing you here."  He grinned sheepishly as I looked on in bewilderment.  "Um...Could you let me go now?"

I did as he asked, taking a step back and finally allowing myself to catch my breath.  Adrenaline still coursed through me, causing my lungs to shake with my hasty inhale, exhale rhythm.  "Christopher...you scared the living day lights out of me!"  I panted between sentences.  "What were you thinking?  I could have killed you!"

"Well, thank you for not doing that.  I really, really appreciate it.  And I was thinking about how your parents would have my head on a gold platter if I didn't follow you.  By the way, your dad is extremely scary sometimes!"

"Oh, I know."  I muttered.

"What are you doing creeping around in the back alleys of the village like a peasant?  It’s dangerous for you to be down here in the slums." 

"I have been training in swordsmanship and combat since I could walk.  I think I would be fine, Chris." 

Then he gave me that look.  That one look that always meant he was about to say something wise in a way only Christopher could.  "Daniel...Prince Daniel...have you ever stopped to consider if something did happen to you?  What if you were ambushed and perished in some awful way.  Your father is not getting any younger.  And your mother is wise, but she cannot rule a kingdom on her own.  The next in line for the throne after Your Highness is Blake, and we both know that would be disastrous.  So, excuse me if I worry about you, Daniel, but I am your friend, and I want you to succeed your father more than anything."

The seriousness in his eyes caused my confidence to crumble.  I held out my arm, and he grasped it heartily.  "I apologize, Chris.  I did not know I was worrying you so.  I will try not to be this careless and self-thinking from now on.  Will that please you?"

He smiled gently and nodded.  "Very much, Prince Daniel.  Thank you for considering my plea."

I released my hand and looked down the alley toward the main streets.  They were filled with flowers, ribbons, and costumes in a rainbow of colors.  "Well, I say we attend the festival.  What say you?"

His smile grew.  "Yes, Prince Daniel."  Then, after bowing deeply, he took off toward the festival at a run.  

So This Is Love...

I have a problem...

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to make time to sit down, open my Bible, and make it something I look forward to on a daily basis, but it just doesn't seem to be going as well as I'd hoped.  For awhile it was working.  I was reading about Joshua and his mighty men, and it was thrilling!  As long as God was with them and they with God, their swashbuckling army could not fail!  They conquered mass amounts of kingdoms, and overcame some truly amazing battles, and reading about it definitely got my attention!

The next chapters, however, were not so tantalizing.  I can only read about genealogy and what pieces of land went to which Israelite tribes for so long before my interest takes a nose dive.  Not that it isn't interesting...  But that kind of reading just isn't as breathtaking as the stories are.

Needless to say, I ended up skipping past it.

Yesterday I started reading about Ruth and Naomi.  And, like opening a brand new romance novel, I was swept off my feet.  A young widow chooses to accompany her mother in-law (who is also a widow) to a strange new place away from her hometown, and ends up being noticed by an amazing man of God, Boaz, who becomes the love of her life.  Now, I've read this story before, but for some reason it had a whole new aroma about it this time.  It got me thinking a lot about love.  Not just the relationship kind, but all kinds of love.  It brought me back to the famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13, and I was truly captured by it this time.  A question was brought to my mind once again...

What does God say about love, and how can I remember it in a way that I can go back to daily?

Usually when I picture love, my mind gets swept along by all the Disney movies I grew up with as a kid.  Yup, I was that child.  The child who came home for the first time to a full on Mickey and Minnie nursery, and I've been hooked ever since.

If you are anything like me, it is always easier to sit down and pop in a Disney movie than it is to truly get into God's Word.  I know, that makes me sound like a terrible person, but it's just the truth.  Staring at a screen, watching a magical story unfold, is just much more tempting.  But what do all Disney movies have in common with the Bible?

Love.

That's why I decided to pair each of the characteristics of love from 1 Corinthians 13 together with the Disney characters that I believe truly display each quality.  I'm doing this not only to get a chance to really think about this passage, and have fun doing it, but also to have a way to plug each phrase into my memory.  I hope you enjoy reading through this as much as I did putting it together!

Love is patient...

Jane teaching Tarzan is my favorite part of the movie.

Love is kind...

The perfect example of showing grace to those who hurt you.

It does not envy...

She grew up in the woods, very poor, and yet totally content.

It does not boast...

"Pull back!  Pull back!  Make it close!  Go for second!"

It is not proud...

The only ones on both sides to give each other a chance.

It is not rude...

No matter what Carl had to say, Russel was always polite.

It is not self-seeking...

This scene stuck out in my mind right away.

It is not easily angered...

(The T-Swift reference was too perfect, I couldn't help it...)

It keeps no record of wrongs...

To this day, I love how they welcomed Kuzco into the family.

Love does not delight in evil...

"I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore."

But rejoices with the truth...

Yeah, I would have hugged him too.

It always protects...

His methods were a little questionable, but still quite a protector.

Always trusts...

"Wow, that was like some crazy trust exorcise or something."

Always hopes...

 
  

Basically self explanatory.

Always perseveres...


The title of the movie says it all. Bravery perseveres.

Love never fails.

Fun, right?  Now, whenever I watch these movies, I can think about this passage of scripture.  Hopefully I can memorize it too!  Thanks for the read!

A Time For Honesty...

A misplaced comment, the wrong words said at the wrong time, sarcasm sounding more hurtful than it was meant to, and suddenly, it happens...

World War 3 has broken out in your home, and it can all be traced back to a single sentence that was said over dinner.

Now, just minutes later, words are being thrown back and forth like gunfire.  Explosions are at every turn.  And by the way things are escalating, you nearly expect one of your family members to pull a grenade out of their pocket any moment now.  All you can do is retreat and hide for cover before more damage can be done, but one question still lingers...

Why the heck was this battle so important anyway?

Sounds like a pretty accurate description, right?  Well...that's because I've had several first hand encounters.  My most recent encounter, on this very weekend.  That's right, folks!  Not sure how I did it, but I somehow managed to take the most unselfish holiday of the ENTIRE year (Easter), and make it about me!  (Please, someone get this girl a medal!)

Seriously though, how does it happen?  One minute we're all chatting over a pleasant family dinner, and the next, our whole weekend is one giant argument about every single issue we can find.  The short time span in which this all crescendos never ceases to amaze me.  In mere moments, we end up creating damage that takes at least a week to forgive, and even longer to forget.  But how does it happen?

I could tell you it was all because of my life story...add in some (definitely blown out of proportion) details about certain childhood traumas and the nasty effects they have had on my temper.  I could blame it on my theatric side, and tell you that my drama-geeky brain is beginning to impact me in negative ways (which wouldn't be even the slightest bit true).  I could say that Jesus just hasn't quite opened up to me about working on the way I treat others yet (which would be the biggest falsehood of them all).

Or...I could tell you the truth, which can be boiled down to a simple three word sentence...

I'm.  Not.  Perfect. 

Ok, so, technically when I write it like that it's not much of a sentence, but you get the idea.  And it's absolutely, 100% the truth.  I am far from perfect.  Some examples...

I have a majorly short temper with way too much to say.

I constantly seek approval from those around me, even though I tell everyone I don't.

I'm terribly honest about my personal life with almost everyone I come in contact with.

I'm possibly THE most impatient person you'll ever meet.

I act on impulses a lot, which means my plate is always full and I'm usually stressed about it.

I usually assume that I'm everyone's least favorite person, and can hardly be convinced otherwise.

I watch Hallmark channel for hours on end and steam with envy over all the cuteness that isn't happening to me.

I'm messy, I'm complicated, I spend way too much time on Pinterest, and most days I don't even get out of bed until 11:30am.

I'm not perfect!  And no matter how hard I try, or how often I work at it, I never will be!  But, you know what, even though my family argued all the way through Easter, and our weekend was pretty much over before it began, I wouldn't have changed a thing...

Because this is the very first Easter that I've truly seen how unfathomable the sacrifice of Jesus actually was...

Think about it... 

I don't know about you, but I am such a big disappointment!  I act all high and mighty on a daily basis, and yet I hardly ever play the part.  I go to church every Sunday, work in the children's wing twice a month, pray when I need to, give people the godly answers by the book, and do devotions whenever I think about it.  None of this is bad, but I'm realizing that there is so much more to a relationship with God than just these things!  I need to be desiring God in a powerful way before I even try any of that!   Here's the reality...

I should be giving God my every day, serving his people all the time, praying because I get to, allowing God to work in other people's lives instead of solving their problems myself, and doing devotions more than just those times that I'm bored right after I wake up and too lazy to get my phone all the way across the room.  So, if I know all of this, why don't I just do it?  The answer is the same.

I'm not perfect...

But that's why Easter is so incredible: I don't have to be.

When Jesus came down to us as a perfect man, he knew what he was here for.  He knew what we would do to him, and yet all he did was give to us.  Then he finished the gift when he died the most horrible death known to man.  He paid our debt so that instead of seeking perfection, we could just seek him.

My weekend may have been ruined by words of hate and sorrow, but the mistakes we made today have already been erased.  God has given us the most beautiful gift of love in all of creation, and it's the only glue that can hold a family together.  This type of glue is called forgiveness.  It's difficult to use, rare to find, and the most painful invention in all of history.  But God gives it, free for the taking.

I'll admit, I don't offer the forgiveness card nearly as much as I should, yet I accept it as willingly as I would accept a free meal in the desert.  It's hard to give of ourselves, but it's so easy to take.  Christ knew which side he was on.  As for me, that's a question I'm kind of scared to answer.  Am I one who's more apt to receive grace than to give it?

I guess that's the question that each of us need to answer on our own.

The Best Stupid Decision I've Ever Made

"Why on EARTH did I do that?"  You say to yourself as you flop on the couch.  Your stomach seems to sink to the floor in agreement.  Every word from every person who's given you 'friendly advice' over the past few weeks pops into your head all at once, and with each random opinion you feel dizzier and dizzier.

You've done it again.

The same thing seems to happen all the time.  An opportunity arises, whether it's an opportunity to start something new, an opportunity to leave something behind, or an opportunity to stay the same, and you always seem to blow it.  You go to others and seek advice like you're supposed to, but what everyone else is doing just...doesn't feel right.  Now you have the judgement of the world raining down on you like a hail storm, and it is rocking your boat BIG TIME.

"I should have just done what everyone else would have done, and left it at that!  Why can't I just make a NORMAL choice for once instead of constantly messing things up?!?"

Deep inside, you know you're probably making the right decision.  I mean, you prayed about it, and you felt right about it... That is, until you heard what everyone else had to say.  Now it just seems like your whole world is crashing down.  And by the looks your friends, and even your elders, gave you, it's all your fault.

"Lord, what do I do?"

This is a pretty familiar scenario for me...

Seriously though, a very familiar scenario.  From choosing to follow my artistic and "impractical" dreams of being an author and theatre director as a career, to deciding not to go to college right after high school, my world seems to be full of decisions that the world calls "stupid".  If I had a dime for every person who's given me the "don't wait too long to go to college" speech, or the "have you ever considered a more useful career, like teaching?" speech, I would be rolling in the dough.  And even though, yeah, these kind of speeches are always given to me, I've only really learned one thing from them...

The cost of listening is just too high

What I mean by that is this: How many times have you been pressured into something you knew you didn't want just because it was a societal norm?

The answer for me would be, well, more times than I would care to admit.  And I can tell you that each and every yes that I wished to be a no, and every no that I longed to be a yes, was just not worth the price.  I was following the advice of the people around me, and doing what they thought was the "smart" or "safe" decision.  But let's be honest, when has God ever asked anyone to play it safe???

A prime example would be my relationship experiences thus far, since that seems to be the area I have the most struggle with.  It's not exactly a soap opera, but I definitely have some interesting stories to tell.  But that's another blog post for another time.  

Although I'm heading toward the end of my teenage years, I'm still a teenager.  And that realm is all about relationships.  If you're not with someone, there's something wrong, and you should put yourself out there.  Right?

Wrong.

That lesson didn't come easy though.  Throughout middle and high school I listened to my friends, my acquaintances, and anyone else who was outright honest with me about who they thought was my "perfect match".  Most of the time that perfect match would end up being whoever was my best guy friend at the time.  I've always been really close to my younger brother, so talking to guys is second nature to me, which is why I've had quite a few amazing guy friendships in my life.  But if I ever happened to talk to one certain guy more than others, everyone would automatically assume that I must have a huge thing for him.  And after hearing those whispers, I would always allow the opinions  to dictate how my heart should feel.

"They think we would be great together, so why shouldn't I like him as more than a friend?" I would rationalize with myself.  "It's only natural for two friends to fall for each other, right?"      

Sure, that's great, Aly, but what does GOD have to say???

In those instances, listening to the crowd not only hurt my heart, but the heart of someone very important to me as well.  And it was all because I was listening to what the world had to say, instead of going to the One who really has all the answers.

I should have gone to God

Since graduating last year, I've made a lot of changes in the way I make decisions.  I've learned that, often times, the choices and opinions that the world calls "stupid" are the choices and opinions that God calls "blessed".  He doesn't play by the world's rules, so why should we?  And even though choices like this usually have consequences, and we sometimes have to give up some things that are important to us, God always makes it a worth while adventure.  Here are some of my own examples...

Last year, I felt God calling me to stay home from college, even though I had no plans for what I would do at home, and a scholarship to my dream school.  It took a ton of prayer, and since I was pretty much the only person who thought staying home for a year was a good idea, it was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make.

I trusted God and made the "stupid" decision to stay home, and not only did God use my extra time to publish my book, but the acting group I've been leading for the past four years doubled in size!

Another "stupid" decision I made was to follow the dream God placed on my heart of becoming a theatre director, instead of doing something more practical like everyone was telling me to.

Not only have I been blessed to spend the past month directing my favorite musical with my friends, but I've also been asked to teach drama camps at a local theatre guild this summer, the same theatre guild that I took summer drama camps from as a kid (dream job!).  These are two more opportunities I would have missed if I hadn't taken that gap year from college.

As for the relationship department, God has majorly changed my tactics over the past year.  Instead of allowing the voices of those around me to dictate who I should spend my time with, I'm finally allowing God to lead my steps.  And that goes for every kind of relationship, not just the lovey-dovey kind.  If the King of Creation thinks I need a certain person in my life, he'll put them there without any nudging from me.

The bottom line... God has overcome the world.

And we shouldn't allow what others say to determine who we are and what we do.  God knows us more personally and intimately than anyone we will ever meet!  If he calls us to do something, he will help us carry it through and will give the strength to decide, no matter what.  Our big, trustworthy God is oh so good, and if you place your cares with him, he won't let you fall.

So, what's the best stupid decision I've ever made?  The decision to ignore the standards and expectations of this world, and chase after God with all I've got.  Yes, this decision is still a work in progress.  Yes, I will still listen to the world sometimes when I shouldn't.  But I'm still going to try, and I hope you will too.

You heard my story, but I want to hear yours!  Do you struggle with listening to the world?  Have you ever made a "stupid" decision that God called you too?  Were you thankful you did?  Tell me in the comments!