Certain Uncertainties

"Trust His Process..."

That's the theme I was given at the beginning of 2021. It's just vague enough to leave me clueless about where my life is headed. And just specific enough to make me second guess my every move. For a planner like myself...that's what we like to call a nightmare.

I used to have a map. I knew what steps I wanted to take for the next 5-10 years. Now, I'm back to square one.

In 2020 I finally gave up. I opened my hands and let go of the one thing I've always been afraid to lose. The one thing I didn't know who I'd be without. I said goodbye to my theatre ministry. After almost 10 years of late nights, busy rehearsal schedules, 40-60 hour tech weeks, and building this thing from the ground up, the sandbag dropped and the curtain closed on my heart's stage. We had just achieved nonprofit status, which was the dream. Little did I know, only 6 months after receiving our approval letter, I would be filing our closing paperwork like it never happened at all. Since then it's felt like the only thing left in my hands are questions.

Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I, now that the me I've been growing into since I was 15 is gone? 

And the biggest question of all...

Was it worth it?

A lot of the kids I worked with in my ministry don't talk to me anymore. Most of them have just gotten busy, and so have I, so we only cross paths occasionally. Those I don't mind. That's just how life goes. We shared our moments and moved in new directions, which is the beautiful thing about theatre.

Some told me my ministry helped them grow, aided in their walk with God, and was their comfort in a dark season. These are the conversations I treasure and hold close to my heart. God didn't need my help to work in their lives, and he never will. But he chose to allow me to be a part of it, and that humbles me everyday. I'll never take that for granted. 

And then there are those who called over the years to pour out their souls. The ones who told me I caused them pain and sorrow. Mostly because I told them the truth that they never wanted. Maybe that's my fault. maybe they weren't ready for an honest conversation, and I should have picked up on that. Maybe I should have brushed off the struggles they were having and pretended not to know the answers. Or maybe doing the right thing is a recipe for the chopping block and burned bridges.

No matter which category each of those 80-plus actors fall into, my love and my thoughts still fall on each name equally. It's that fact that has given me the greatest glimpse of God's heart toward us. I learned that I'm capable of loving someone who curses me just as much as someone who blesses me, and if that's the only lesson I'm walking away with, maybe the 10 years really were worth it. My heart still misses and aches for each of them the same, and I can recall each one by name whether they were one of my actors for a day or 4 years.

How much more is God capable of remembering and loving us? That's a question I will find profound and incomprehensible for the rest of my life.

But as for my future, where does the line fall? 

All I know is that everyone seems to expect me to know what to do from here. But I don't. That's the most difficult part. I'm staring at a blank page. The line is blinking, waiting for words. And I don't have any. I had a plan for my entire life laid out, based solely on that theater company. And now I'm back where I started when I was 15, prayerful and unsure.

My friends have all moved on. Some are working big kid jobs, some have gotten married, some have had kids. And where am i?

I'm 25 years old, staring hard at my life and where I want it to go, and not seeing any answers.

So... What do I do? Where do I go? How do I recover from losing everything I wanted my life to be? I wish I knew. Every day without direction feels like a ticking clock in my mind. The only reassurance I have is this...

I know that God knows.

He knows what this year is going to look like for me. He knows what choices I'll end up making. He knows the process of me getting there. He knows. And because he knows—as much as I don't like it—I don't have to know. I just have to trust, and walk, and get up every day with the expectation that God has good things in store for me.

Not the perfectly planned, cookie cutter things in my head, because that's Aly's world and not reality. But good things. I knew my resolution theme at the beginning of this year would challenge me. And, sure enough, it already is. But isn't that what faith is? Walking blindly, and trusting that the waves will provide a stable place to stand? Just simply because God is the one controlling them?

Maybe this is my opportunity to step out on the sea and learn to walk. It'll be slow and I'll falter, but so did Peter. And I find it no accident that the writing project I've had on my mind for the past year and a half is also about that very man. God has a sense of humor like that, doesn't he?

Even though it would be easy to look at what's next with fear and bitterness and dread, and that's my natural instinct, I'm determined to face this differently. A blank page can be unnerving, but it can also be exciting. It means the possibilities are endless. 

Despite the unfortunate losses, so much good has also come from 2020. I started a business creating art that I adore and that brings people joy. I joined TikTok as a direct result of quarantine boredom, and ended up making some wonderful, faith-filled friends who I now talk to daily. I discovered new inspiration, willingness, and resolve that I didn't know I could find within myself. I've learned to listen to my health, and made better choices to accommodate it. I've grown closer to my family, and learned more about Aly in the past year than I did through 10 years of theatre directing.

The purpose of this post was mostly to make an update on where I'm at currently. But now that I've reached the end of this tale, I also want to offer encouragement, both to you, dear reader, and to myself...

Your life is not going to look anything like what you've planned out in your head. It's not. There will be pleasant surprises and unforseen tragedies. Your bets will lose, and sometimes the risks you take just won't pan out. But sometimes they will. So my advice is this:

Stop keeping score.

The longer you try to predict the future, the less time you have to just enjoy the ride. God already has the navigation set, and all he wants you to do is just take in the scenery. There will be heartache and sorrow. There will be loss and anger. There will be immense victories. There will be joy beyond compare, and love that stretches farthur and deeper than oceans. I know all of this because, as a writer, I know those are the ingredients that make an incredible story. And at the end of the day, that's what your life is. One beautiful, brilliant, moving, one-of-a-kind story. A story where only the author himself knows the ending.

In life, nothing is certain. And that's why "trusting his process" is bound to be both a wild ride and a beautiful adventure. But that's the point. That's where we reach the end of ourselves, and faith begins.

So, I suppose we should let go, right? Trust the author to do his job. Know that the overall plot will be better off because he can see the big picture. Allow ourselves to place our hope in a beautiful ending. Close our eyes, count to three, and just...

Jump.

Dear Men of God... 5 Things You Should Know

Now, before you feel the need to defend yourselves, I promise the purpose of this post is NOT to condemn and/or judge you. In fact, it's quite the opposite. The purpose of this post is appreciation and encouragement. So, if that sounds like something you've been needing, stick around! I'm going to dive right into it, in the blogger-typical numbered fashion. Here we go...


1. You're You For A Reason

The era we live in has made it harder than ever for men to just be themselves. Specifically men interested in the arts. More times than not, a passion for music, dance, theatre, or other creative endeavors will get you a one way ticket to a multitude of questions, usually about your gender identity. This can even lead to bullying. I'm a theatre director, so I've operated in the arts long enough to see it take place first hand. I think this trend goes all the way back to a very unfortunate lie that states men can't be emotional.

Who started that anyway? Since when does sentiment and having feelings make you less of a man? As a female, I'm here to tell you something very important: Emotions are not gender exclusive. Let me repeat that... EMOTIONS ARE NOT GENDER EXCLUSIVE. Think of King David in the Bible. God made him a musician and an incredible poet, but he was also a military leader and a mighty warrior. He felt things deeply, and it only aided him as a king and commander, because it gave him empathy towards his people. Being an artist, or being in touch with your emotional side, does not make you weak. The opposite is true. So if God has given you a spirit of deep sensitivity and passion, revel in it. He made you that way for a purpose, and he's going to use that part of you for amazing things.

(Also, guys with an emotional side are typically the ones we ladies find very attractive. Just sayin'.)


2. Women Who Desire The Biblical Model Of Marriage Do Exist

This point goes out to the single pringles. I know, I know, I'm "so old school" and I need to "get with the times." That's what most women would say to me anyway, and here's why...

I am one of those rare females who still believes that men are supposed to be the leaders of their household. Yep, did you hear that? That was the sound of a thousand feminists fainting at the very thought. But it's true! Just like the trinity is three in one, and each part has it's own purpose, so goes with marriage. I believe that it's possible for husband and wife to be a team, working together, while still having their own individual parts to play as outlined in scripture.

In our current generation, I know it seems like finding other men and women who want to follow this model is impossible. But we're out there. We exist, I promise. And, just like you, we're praying for a beautiful, God-honoring love story like that of Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 2:1-4:17), Moses and Zipporah (Exodus 2:15-22), Mary and Joseph (Luke 1:26-56, 2:1-7, Matthew 1:18-2:23), and Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24:1-67). Be patient and don't give up hope.


3. Masculinity Is Not Toxic. Humanity Is.

Again, this is probably the opposite of what you're used to hearing. Our generation has done men a great disservice, and I'm not afraid to say so. I've seen the resulting frustration in my own household, as it leaves my brothers, who are the sweetest men alive, feeling downtrodden and stepped on. Women have presently decided to blame the entire male gender for the crimes of the few, and it sickens me for both sides. I ache for the women who were hurt so badly that they felt the need to take it out on everyone around them. And I ache for the men who are now harassed and yelled at for being chivalrous. Everything is backwards.

Call me crazy, but I am a woman who is overjoyed when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, and pays for dinner. Show me some of that classic gentlemanly charm, and I'm sold! I'm also a lady who greatly appreciates men leading the relationship. I will fall head over heals for a man who pursues my heart with prayer and planning. The majority of my female friends agree! Boys who confuse and play games might be alright for some. But the right woman will appreciate your intentionality.

We live in a fallen world, which means those who seek God's direction are going to be constantly tried and tested. But take heart. You're not alone.


4. Mental Illness Isn't A "Female Problem"

This is a societal belief that hides in the shadows and goes unspoken. It goes hand in hand with the assumption that men can't or shouldn't be emotional, and this point aggravates me more than all the others.

I work in youth ministry, and if I had a dime for every teenage boy who shared their mental health struggles with our leadership team - expressing that they've never been able to share this information with their friends or family members before - I would have a lot of dimes. What's even worse is when they DO share these struggles with their friends and family members, but are told to "push through it," "man up," "don't give in to weakness," and "stop being dramatic." I'm sorry, but neglecting another person's emotions, especially with dangerous struggles like self-harm and suicidal thoughts, is unacceptable. If someone in your life has treated you this way, I want to offer my sincerest, deepest apologies on their behalf. Mental illnesses, just like emotions, are not gender exclusive.

You're not broken. You're not "less Christian" because you struggle with anxiety, depression, anorexia (because boys can have eating disorders too), etc... You're not weak. In fact, you're stronger than most because you have more to fight through everyday. You're not less of a man for dealing with this. It's okay to need space to breathe. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to get frustrated. Just don't stay there. If I've learned anything from my years in ministry it's that, first, everyone has problems, and second, people are going to find a way to judge and demean you no matter what that problem is. Don't let them. Work towards seeking help. Talk to a therapist or your pastor or both (both is good). Surround yourself with healthy people who will aid the problem instead of make it worse. Accept that the issue exists, and then don't let it win.

My favorite quote recently is by Eleanor Roosevelt, and it says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You don't have to let them hurt you. That's up to you. You're a man of God either way, and you have a choice, so choose wisely.


5. You Are Loved Abundantly

The most crucial point of all... You are loved abundantly by the perfect Creator who made you. When he put you on this earth, he designed you exactly as intended, not a hair or cell misplaced. It doesn't feel like it all the time, I know. You look in the mirror or lay awake at night, and you hate yourself sometimes. You might even wish you were someone else.

Don't.

Because while your time is devoted to self-loathing, there's a very big God who's thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand (Psalm 139). He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), he will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41:10), and if God is for you, who can be against you (Romans 8:31)?

There is more power, grace, and compassion on your side than you realize. Dwell in it and soak it in. Allow it to fill you up.


There's probably a lot more I could write, but these are the main points I wanted to send your way. I hope you found them encouraging! Don't let the world define who you are. That's God's job, and he does it perfectly! God bless!

Your sister in Christ,

- Aly

Understand

The past couple weeks have been...a struggle, to say the least. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to maintain routine and avoid depression. A struggle to see myself through God's eyes, instead of my own very critical ones. I lost a friend to suicide two weeks ago, and the wonderful dog I had since I was ten had to be put down around the same time. I was confronted by a wave of deep hurt from a source that I can't even talk about, which has brought about flashbacks of the bullying I went through in middle and high school. I'm not gonna lie, the past couple months have been months filled with soul searching and wondering who Aly is even meant to be.

Tonight I finally sat down to wear my heart on my sleeve with God for a while. I didn't know what I was expecting, but writing has been a fight too recently, so I was definitely surprised when the beginnings of a poem drifted to the forefront of my mind...

Growing up with my own insecurities, several bullies, a few crappy boyfriends, and some opinionated relatives has resulted in a profound lack of trust that remains buried deep within me. It takes an extremely long time for me to believe someone isn't going to just up and leave without telling me why. Thanks to some incredible friendships that have formed over the past few years, I'm a lot better at the whole trust thing than I used to be. But every once in a while it still rears its ugly head.

This week was a climax.

I don't know if anyone will relate to this poem... I don't even know why I'm allowing my heart to bleed all over the internet like this tonight... I guess it feels like the right thing to do. Even just simply because I want to be real.

I don't want to hide. And I want others to know that they don't have to hide either.

I'm babbling now, but there's the context for you. So, without further delay...



"Understand"

Understand

I'm only me when I'm alone

And only the lonely me knows

The broken pieces others left behind

They've called me stained glass

Using art to distract from my brokenness

And color to cover

The gray in my soul

They've called me a reflection

Giving to others only what I receive

And conforming so well

That the only and lonely me shatters

They've called me adulteress

One who flirts with a passing stream

And winks at love with such intensity

That I feel nothing at all

I am weak and numb

I am stubborn and emotional

I have so much dangerous ambition

That I accomplish nothing at all

Understand

I don't stop being afraid

It lives, walks, breathes in my bones

Where I am, there fear will be also.

I live in water so deep

My neck aches from reaching

And my heels won't touch the rock below

Living is essential, breathing is optional

Breathing is required for sleep

So I don't

Instead I sit and think

Mostly of You

And then I write

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that would make their blood boil

Hope and hurt and tears

And then I feel

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that make my blood boil

Pain and passion and tears

And then I pray

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made Your blood boil

Grace and glory and tears

Understand

I'm never not a mess

I eat disaster for breakfast

And emulate it the rest of the day

I try so hard to be unique

That I end up like everyone else

I attempt to convince You to love me

When You already do

I run in circles and think in squares

I weep in my weakness and long to be held

I fall on my sword for love that brings ruin

I offer resistance to love that brings peace

And it's true.

Understand

I need You

Do not let this harden my only and lonely heart

Not again

As I diminish, grow

As confusion abounds, clarify

As the ache settles, reassure

As I mourn those still living, be my solace

Tell me stories

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made your blood boil

Love and longing and tears

Weep with me

Dance with me

Ache with me

Laugh with me

I may not understand

The terrible things, the wonderful things

But You do

And Yours is the only voice that matters

Because in a world of misunderstandings

My only and lonely heart

Is perfectly understood

In You

The Devil is an Adjective

As a lover of words, I've been very interested in the Interlinear Bible for a while now, and looking up the original translations of different words.

Most recently,  I discovered the original Greek word for "the Devil" is an Adjective, not a Noun, and my mind is officially blown.

First, for context, here's the passage of scripture I was reading that inspired this research...

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread." But he answered, "It is written,  "'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took him to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written, "'He will command his angels concerning you,' and "'On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.'" Jesus said to him, "Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'"  Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, "All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me." Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone, Satan! For it is written,  "'You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.'" Then the devil left him, and behold, angels came and were ministering to him.

Matthew 4:1‭-‬11 (ESV)


Out of curiosity I looked up this verse on BibleHub to see what it is in the original Greek, and this is what I found out:

The word is diabolos, and even though it can be used as a noun to indicate the Devil, it's typically an adjective that means "slanderer" or "false accuser."

Tonight I've been so hard on myself. Actually, I'm always hard on myself. No matter what goes wrong in my life, internally I find some way that I'm to blame for it. I remind myself of my failures over and over again, even if I know I wasn't really at fault. And now, reading this... This makes so much sense to me.

He's the voice whispering lies to weigh us down, and the constant accuser in our heads. He twists the truth just enough to suit his plan, so we're distracted from the One in whom our purpose rests. He wants us to believe we're nothing, because the moment we believe that we separate ourselves from our source of power.

As a writer I believe the best way to defeat the antagonist is to know two things very well: the strategies of your enemies, and the strengths of your allies. God wanted us to know the strategy of our enemy so well, He put that strategy right in the Devil's name as a reminder. Satan's strategy is making us believe lies about ourselves. God's strength is combating lies with the truth.

How can we put that strength into action?

By knowing the worth the Creator bestowed upon us. The price was His perfect son's life! We need to acknowledge our flaws, but then give them to God and allow ourselves to see the good He's doing in us. We need to venture forward with fear in our bones and holy abandon, taking each step with spiritual intention. We need to study God's Word like we're preparing for battle.

We need to look the Devil in the eyes and call his bluff.

Easier said than done, I know.

But God put the strategy of our enemy in his name. So, what are we going to do about it?

A Day In The Life Of Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

If you or someone you know has anxiety of any kind, you know what confusion is like. I can say that because I have social anxiety, and it's a part of my daily struggle. We are confusing people. We're painfully aware of that truth, believe me. That's why I want to help.

Believe it or not, helping someone with anxiety is simple. It all comes down to helping us train our brains. That sounds weird, I know. But conditioning an anxiety brain to know it's safe when you're near is the secret to a calm, happy anxiety friend.

Before I go into that, though, it's important that you see life through our very specific set of eyes.

Here's what a typical day looks like with an anxiety brain...

I just woke up. My neck, shoulders, and back are sore. It was a stressful day yesterday, and I must have been tensing up again. (Sometimes we can go a whole day with constantly tensed up muscles and not even know it. It's our normal.)

I know I should eat breakfast, but I'm too nervous. There's too much to get done. I need to make sure I succeed today, or I'll start spiraling. I have to mentally prepare before I call about setting up my routine dental appointment today, I don't want to say something idiotic and mess up. I'll just grab a granola bar and call it good. (It's different for everyone, but for social anxiety phone calls are usually the absolute worst. If an anxiety brain can talk on the phone with you and feel comfortable, congratulations, you have been accepted into the circle! I think I can name about 7 people I can talk on the phone to without having to psych myself up first. My parents, my siblings, and one of my cousins.)

Then I'm meeting with a friend later, so I need to think through a mental list of conversation topics. I don't want to leave things silent for too long or they'll think I'm awkward. I also need to think through every possible scenario of what could go wrong so I can prepare accordingly. I don't want to seem lonely, but I still want them to know I want to be there. I don't want to seem clingy, but I don't want to be distant either. I also don't want to offend them by accident. I've been hurt, and I don't ever want to be the source of someone else's pain. I'll have to be super careful. (This is often why people with anxiety are introverts. It takes a lot of energy and effort to talk to people. Especially for social anxiety.)

I finished my phone call, and I didn't mess up. Mental high five! Now I'm at the grocery store. All the self checkouts are closed, so I have to use a normal lane. I hope I don't say something stupid to the cashier. I'll say only what I absolutely have to, and then leave. Hopefully there's a self checkout open next time. (I pretty much only use self checkouts when the option is available. And no, it's not because I'm trying to put cashiers out of a job, so stop bringing that up, please.)

As I'm looking at my to do list for the day, I see my email list, and notice that there are several emails piled up in my work account. There are also several messages on facebook that I haven't had time to answer, and I should start somewhere so people don't think I'm ignoring them. Oh no... I shouldn't have opened my emails. I forgot about that project I was supposed to submit yesterday. They must think I'm an awful person. I feel terrible. I don't want to be bad at my job. It's too much... I failed. I won't get it all done. Why do I even try when I always mess up? (At this point I can feel my heart rate increasing. Something so simple, and yet my brain has just told my body it's in danger. Fight or flight is activated, and adrenaline is released into my body. My thoughts become blurred and unclear. My chest simultaneously feels like there is a balloon full of moths on the inside, and a boulder on the outside. If it's really bad, and I've had a hard enough week, I might starting having shallower and more sporadic breathing.)

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. How do I calm down? I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm by myself. Just focus...focus... You can't do this right now, you need to drive home so your ice cream doesn't melt. Focus on that. No melty ice cream. That's the goal. (It might sound ridiculous, but oftentimes having a simplified, single goal to focus on in an anxiety attack is the very thing that helps us function through it. Someone once told me to start praying for a friend when this happens as well, and that helps a lot to distract and center the racing thought process of Fight Or Flight mode. Sometimes I'll recite Psalm 139 to myself. Using focus techniques to stop an anxiety attack is called "grounding," and the best thing for grounding is Jesus.)

Okay, I made it home. I should eat something, and then I'll stretch or watch a show for a while. I'll make some green tea. Maybe I'll read. I can't answer my emails now. I'm too frazzled and I might make a mistake. I'll do it later. (Believe it or not, procrastination is a sign of anxiety. We put things off because we feel we can never live up to the perfection we hope for the project to achieve, or we worry that we'll never be satisfied with it ourselves, so it's really hard for us to start or truly finish anything. That's why I'm a perfectionist personality who almost always has a messy room. I have to clean it all in one day, or it's not worth it.)

I messaged my friend to ask if we were still getting together today. I also asked how their struggles with their family have been going. They saw my message, but they're not replying. Should I have not asked? Did I say something wrong? Maybe they don't even want to see me today. They're probably just tolerating me. Or maybe they only get together with me because they don't have any other options for friends. I know I worry about things a lot, so maybe that's why? I wish I knew what they were thinking. Why won't they text back? Why am I like this? I shouldn't think about things this way. I don't blame them if they hate me... (This sounds extreme, but it's not. This is my thought process. My anxiety is sourced from rejection and abandonment situations with friendships and relationships that happened when I was in middle and high school. Situations where people I got really, deeply close to left me behind without telling me why. They just stopped communicating with me, avoided talking to me in person, and wouldn't tell me what happened when I asked. So I tend to associate silence with abandonment. Even if that's far from the truth, and I know that, that's just what my brain does.)

I've been staring at my phone, waiting for a reply that probably won't come, because they must hate me for some unknown reason. Suddenly I become aware of a deep soreness in my neck, shoulders, and jaw. I had been clenching my teeth together for the past hour, and I hadn't even noticed. I have to force my jaw to relax. It really aches, now, but that's normal. (This happens so much. I'm never truly relaxed. I find myself clenching my jaw a lot when I'm having a bad anxiety day.)

My thoughts are spinning. Everyone hates me. I can't get my work in on time. I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling overwhelmed. And now I'm spiraling. I know I'm spiraling. I know these thoughts aren't true. But what if they are? Isn't it better to be aware and in pain than to be happily oblivious? Why do I do this to myself? (Oftentimes, anxiety isn't triggered by one event. It's usually triggered by many compiled thoughts, which is why it's harder to predict when an anxiety attack is going to take place than a panic attack, which are more pointed and situation based.)

Now a family member is speaking to me. They're asking me if I completed that small task that they asked me to do earlier. I snap at them that I hadn't gotten the chance yet. I don't know why I'm angry. My mistakes are not their fault. Adrenaline is still in my system, so I have energy that has nowhere to go. I can feel that energy building in my chest. My heart rate increases again. They're surprised at my outburst and get frustrated, since they were only asking a simple question. I should apologize, and tell them about my day, but I'm embarrassed about how little overwhelms me, and I don't want to admit it. So I get mad. I don't know what I'm mad about, I just am. The build up of tension releases, and I explode. This sparks an argument that could have been easily defused if I would have just told the truth earlier, but I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles. (90% of the time, when I get mad it's because of something going on behind the scenes, and not because of the situation directly in front of me. I'm not good at owning up to the things that are bothering me, especially because anxiety makes me feel so small.)

Once the argument is over, I isolate myself for an hour or so, just until I can calm down. Then I feel terrible. That argument was ridiculous. I just ruined someone else's day. I'm so selfish. Why am I so selfish? I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't. So why am I? I go to the family member and apologize. We hug, and things are fine again. I complete the task they asked me about in the first place. (Explosions and arguments often happen when I don't get the chance to calm down after an anxiety attack. I need to get better at communicating this to people, but it's hard. I don't like owning up to the problem.)

Meanwhile, my friend has replied to my message. They're excited to get together, and tell me they can't wait. They had been in an area without phone service, which is why it took them a while to reply. We plan where we're going to meet. I go through "socialization protocol" in my head one more time before I go to meet them. We end up having an amazing time. When I get home, I think through everything I said with my friend. The only sentences that come to mind are ones that I thought might have sounded dumb. I dwell on these sentences for several days, maybe weeks, and sometimes even apologize for them. Usually the friend doesn't even remember me saying the thing that I was dwelling on. (I still lay awake in the middle of the night thinking of dumb things I said when I was in elementary school. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's my reality.)

Well... There you go...

There's a taste of what our day typically looks like. Now, this is a more extreme scenario. Having all of these examples take place on the same day would be considered a really bad anxiety day. And this day would be the result of me not taking care of myself, or not taking my usual precautions. When I eat regular meals, sleep right, and take proper care of my mental and emotional health my anxiety tends to be a lot better. That's a daily process, though. I also have certain breathing techniques, supplements, and other tricks that help keep my anxiety under control. Before I realized I had social anxiety, though, days like this happened often.

I'm planning to write a part two to this post about how to best help the anxiety brain you know. Once I write that, the link will go here...

How To Help Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

For now, though, I hope you found this helpful in itself! Anxiety is nothing to be afraid of or shy away from in a friendship. In fact, some of the most loving, considerate, big-hearted people I know are people with anxiety. We know what it's like to be alone, so we go out of our way to make sure people never feel that way.

I didn't at first, but over the years I've come to see my anxiety as a superpower. Without it, I don't think I would appreciate the friends I have as much. Anytime someone shows me deep unconditional love, I'm pleasantly surprised and eternally impacted by their willingness to stick around. People leaving is normal. People staying is beautiful.

Without anxiety, I never would have started writing. The worlds, and characters, and stories I've had the blessing to create because of this illness are a greater gift than I can even comprehend. And it's because of that writing that I was able to start creating original plays and skits, which is something I still do to this day. I even got to watch one of those plays come to life last fall.

I still pray that God will take my anxiety from me. Mostly because I notice how it negatively impacts those around me. But I also understand if he doesn't. Some of the most beautiful stories are woven with pain and struggle, but they have hope as well.

As Jesus said in the garden before he was arrested, "Father, take this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Sometimes God purposefully allows pain to remain in our lives. And it's because of love that he does this. Only he can see the ending. He wrote it. And he knows exactly what plot points will help us accomplish his beautiful, unique, blessed plan for us.

Anxiety is hard, frustrating, and exhausting, but it's led me through green pastures. It's placed me beside still waters. It's a tool that God has used to restore and refresh my soul on multiple occasions. It's also helped me reach out and relate to others who feel alone, and that's worth it's weight in gold.

Do you struggle with anxiety? How has God used it in your life, and the lives of others?