That One Time God Told Me To Read A Romance Novel...

God gave me a major wake up call a little bit ago...

But before I go into the story, let me relay that about four or five months prior to this I had given up reading romance novels.  Completely.  Now, to clarify, I've never really been into bad romance books.  The only romance novels I've ever read are the ones with Christian characters who honor God with their love stories.  That shouldn't be bad, right?  I didn't think so...

That is, until I started fantasizing about every guy my age that passed by me in the supermarket, and constantly asked the question "is he my future husband?"  Not exactly a healthy situation to be in.  It took me all of about a week of this before I realized that I was slowly slipping into that "Boy Crazy" phase that I often teased other girls about, and had never experienced personally.  It was far easier to do than I had anticipated, and it needed to stop.  Henceforth, even though I had just bought one more novel that was simply begging to be read, I decided to go cold turkey.  No more novels that were directly about a love story, I cut back on listening to my playlist of Christian love songs, and my Hallmark Channel movie watching fizzled out very, very quickly.

To be honest, this wasn't that difficult for me.  Ever since my first heartbreak situation, training myself not to think about love had been a daily activity, and I've gotten extremely good at ignoring those warm fuzzy feelings that most people idealize.  Over time and throughout various experiences, assuming people have indifferent feelings toward me had become my default setting.  If I assume from the beginning that they don't care, and I convince myself that I don't care either, no one gets hurt, right?

Wrong.

I realized that not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it also robs you of living a full life.

But more on that later...

Anyway, once I stopped my romance kick and started being more real with myself, I found I was a much happier person.  The months that followed were loaded with amazing friendships, and God worked on altering my heart and filling my cup in a big way.  So many past hurts from broken not-so-relationships and friendships alike were healed, and forgiveness became a fountain of refreshment and joy for me.  Friend issues related to my insecurities were a thing of the past, and I gained an incredible group of people that surrounded and encouraged me everyday.

I spent more time focusing on who God would want me to be for my future spouse, rather than who my future spouse should be for me.  

That break away from romance media really opened my eyes to how corrupted it can really be, and even the Christian side can suck you in if you're not careful. I began feeling extremely thankful that I had chosen to put away those books, and promptly decided that maybe I should make the "no romance novels rule" a permanent one.  I assumed that this was the end of the on going "I'm not worthy" attitude that had plagued my mind, and I was ready to say farewell to all of the downsides that came with it.  That's what my mindset was when something really weird happened.

As usual, apparently God had different plans.

 I was praying about my future spouse, like I have been a lot recently, and asking for advice on what to do to prepare my heart, when I heard it clear as day.

"Read."

Read, I thought... Read what? For how long? I've already read all the dating books on my shelf.

"Read."

The voice repeated over and over, getting more persistent with each question I asked. That's when my eyes landed on it... That one Christian romance novel that I hadn't read yet.  Surely, Lord, you couldn't mean that book! I stopped reading those because of you! Why would you want me to read it now?

"Read it.  I want to show you something."  His voice was loving, kind, and clear as day.

My surprise, on the other hand, was pretty intense. Never in my life had I thought that God would ever tell me to read a romance novel. But once I started the book, it didn't take long at all for me to realize why.

The main character's name was Gisela, and the story was a renaissance-style version of Cinderella with a Christian twist.  And as much as I wanted to deny it while I read, there was one overpowering theme that my mind kept going back to.  This girl's personality was Just. Like. Me.

Now, I've never experienced anything like being verbally abused and neglected by a stepmother and two stepsisters.  That part of the story didn't have any similarities even close to the blessing of my supportive, loving, God-fearing family.  But what I could relate to was that feeling of wanting to protect my heart at all costs.

Friends have been a hard case for me since elementary school. 

I have memories of sitting alone at youth group (except for the occasional youth leader), having some of my closest companions move away on short notice, and being rejected by kids my age quite often throughout the years.  Because of this, I learned how to fake emotions without actually feeling them very quickly.  Unlike Gisela, my family has been my rock through each and every one of these circumstances, and they've stood up for me on more than one occasion when I needed it.  I'm so thankful to have been blessed with such a closely knit family, and I thank God for them every day.

Even so, having to relearn who I could trust over and over again didn't make this introvert's world an easy place to be.  With each new person who left me behind, I found myself falling more and more in love with the idea of being alone.  Many of these events happened years ago, but to this day the memories of them make it so that I have some difficulty truly trusting people.  I also found the words "I don't care" running through my head much more often.  Whether I was starting to realize my affection for a guy, or starting to really appreciate someone's friendship, I would brush it off and try to convince myself that I didn't care as much as I really did.  This seemed to work for awhile...

Until I read this book...

Gisela was in the same boat.  After being rejected over and over again, her heart was too damaged to even recognize whether someone genuinely cared for her or not.  She spent most of her time by herself, using "I enjoy being alone" as an excuse to avoid further damage.  I immediately saw myself in her, even right down to the many times she whispered "I don't care" to herself throughout the book.

God caught me red handed.

He knew what I'd been doing wasn't healthy.  Even I knew that.  But my fear of getting hurt had been too great for me to change anything.  Suddenly, as I read more and more about this character, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.  She was ridiculously insecure.  And when Prince Charming finally did come her way, making grand, Christ-like gestures of love to her, it was as though she didn't even notice.  True God given love was right in front of her face, but it was incomprehensible.  Even after this amazing guy journeyed to save her life and proposed, she still asked "Are you certain you want to marry me?"  She was head over heels for Valten, a man of God who had chosen her, saved her, and asked her for her hand in marriage, and yet Gisela still couldn't understand that God would send her someone who could love her that much.

The realization hit me while reading the scene with that conversation.  I'm known as a girl who doesn't date much, if ever.  According to some, I often come across as "too picky"when it comes to guys, and "I should really be more open to possibilities", which is probably true.  Although, yes, a small part of this is just that I have high standards, I'm realizing more and more that a lot of that "choosy" attitude is that I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one again and getting hurt.

However, reading that question, after all Valten had done to show Gisela that he loved and adored her, and being able to relate so fully to her asking made me realize that I've made a terrible mistake of my own.

Valten and Gisela got married, of course.  And there was a happy ending, to be sure.  But in the end, I felt as though the leading lady had been totally robbed of her love story.  Because of all the brick walls she had placed around her heart; walls that I myself have had in place for a very long time, she had spent the entire book wrapped in a bubble of "I'm afraid to be loved".  It made me wonder...

How many times have I missed an opportunity to love because I was afraid of temporary injury?

Reading this book, I felt as though God had given me a glimpse into my future, and I'm so glad he did.  Do I really want to miss out on my very own, beautiful, hand-written-by-God love story because of something as small as fear?  Am I prepared to chance allowing some amazing friendships pass me by just because I might possibly get hurt in the end?  Do I really want to live my life hiding behind dark, bullet-proof walls?

Certainly not!

That's why, as soon as I reached the final page of Gisela's story, I made an immediate decision to change my own.  I asked God to remove the bricks around my heart from years of fear and rejection, and to give me discernment and wisdom concerning who I should allow past the simple garden gate that he put in it's place.  This gate has no locks, no hooks, no bolt.  But, unlike the bricks, it allows light in, so that the garden of my heart can grow and thrive.  I'm going to allow God, not fear, to dictate all of my social connections from here on out.

Recognizing love is still a struggle for me, and I presume it will be.  Old habits tend to die hard, and brushing off affection is a very old habit for me.  But God is teaching me how to love with my whole heart again, and also helping me realize which people in my life will show me the same kind of love.

Despite my doubts, there are more of these wonderful people in the world than I could have ever hoped for.

I've regained old friendships, immersed myself in new ones, and forgiven those that walked away.  My heart is in God's hands now, instead of tightly clenched in my own.  And although that thought is a bit unnerving at times, it gets easier with each day.  For the first time I feel like I can be honest with myself about loving people, and admit that I'm not always happiest when I'm alone.  "I don't care" isn't even a part of my vocabulary phrasing anymore.

I never would have expected to learn all of that from a romance novel.  But sometimes God works in mysterious ways.  Hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes.  I'm going to end this post with a quote from another book character who I'm told is quite like me...

20 Signs That You're Living The #WritersLife

Some days, just for fun, I sit around and think about all of the reasons I know I'm a writer.  In fact, one time I was so bored that I actually compiled a list of these reasons.  Since writers tend to have a lot of these things in common, I decided to post that list here for all to see.  So, next time you feel like posting about your life as a writer, you'll have plenty of options to choose from.

Also, for all of my friends and family, you can take this as fair warning.  This is who I am, and if you didn't know before, you're about to find out what goes through my mind on a daily basis.

Ready... Set... Go!

1. Maps of the Twin Cities, lists of abandoned buildings, and diagrams of bullet entry and exit wounds found on your laptop.  Not a criminal.  #writerslife

2. Seeing all your favorite books on someone's shelf = instant friendship.  #writerslife

3. Having a really awesome idea for brand new complex book series that you know would be a bestseller, but feeling way too lazy to do all the research for it.  #writerslife

4. Sweater weather, better weather.  #writerslife

5. Introverts, unite!  (Individually.  Maybe through a text message.)  #writerslife

6. Just about any life situation can be justified when thought of as "research for story accuracy".  #writerslife

7. Wishing there was a less damaging way to experience a certain wound so that you could write about it more accurately.  #writerslife

8. Walking through a cemetery with a notebook to find interesting character names.  #writerslife

9. John Green quotes.  #writerslife

10. Shoulder pains from carrying notebooks and chapter books in your bag all day. #writerslife

11. Going to the chiropractor instead of removing said books from your bag.  #writerslife

12. Some days my ideal lifestyle looks like a hermit with a really nice library.  #writerslife

13. Having a job where telling people to go away is a "good business move".  #writerslife

14. Which character should I be today?  Not that one, he's getting stabbed in the next chapter.  #writerslife

15. Staying in your pjs till noon because you're immersed in your story world is considered dedication.  #writerslife

16. Sometimes I spend all day writing #writerslife jokes in my journals because I have writers block. #writerslife

17. Wanting a house to be your library, and a library to be your house.  There is no difference. #writerslife

18. No plot, no problem!  #writerslife

19. I'm not messy, I'm creatively organized. #writerslife

20. Talking to yourself in different personalities isn't schizophrenia, it's character development.  #writerslife

Do you have any #writerslife stories to contribute?  I would love to hear them!  Let me know in the comments, and maybe I'll use them in my next #writerslife post!

Why I Love The Friendzone (And I'm Not Being Sarcastic About It)

Lately it seems like my world has been surrounded by dating/love/marriage conversation on all sides.  Ever since I started working as a server at the Florian Gardens (a popular destination for weddings and receptions) a year and a half ago, I've had married life pushing into my thoughts a lot.  It's probably a normal thing to think about at my age, but I've never really considered...well...how much there is to consider when it comes to this topic.

After working a number of weddings that's probably stepped past the 30s or so, I've learned a ton about couples.  After reading countless dating guides and watching every courtship, engagement, and wedding episode of 19 Kids and Counting with my family, I've realized how much it takes to make a relationship work.  And after growing up with 1940's musicals as my dream dating situation, I've gotten very used to the idea that the kind of love I idealize isn't newfangled; it's old fashioned (Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly anyone?).

My "first official date" taught me a lot about relationships.  

There was planning, tons of discussion behind the scenes on how to make it perfect, and the only one who didn't seem to have unbelievably high expectations for the occasion was me.  All I wanted was a simple evening where we could be ourselves, talk, and enjoy each other's company.  Yet, somehow, everyone else managed to convince us that we should want something much more complicated and straight out of a fairytale, and we made the mistake of listening.

We stressed over how we looked, we were scared to speak, and we constantly worried that it wouldn't be the "perfect story" that everyone else was expecting.  We had spent our entire friendship leading up to that date just being ourselves and not caring what each other, or anyone else, thought.  Then the moment we were thrown into a typical dating situation we felt totally different.  It wasn't our natural "make it up as we go" routine, and it was uncomfortable.  The date ended up turning out well, and the day itself was beautiful, but in that one evening I discovered why so many marriages don't work out...

Because people tend to live for the story, not for the moment.

To me it seems like most of this world... Actually, I would go as far as saying 90% of this world, assumes that the person who does dating well will also do marriage well.  What people don't realize is that these are two totally opposite things!  In dating, when it doesn't work you just move on and start over.  When you go out for an evening, the guy pays, the guy plans, and the guy is the one on whom the tone of the evening rests.

Now I'm not saying that a guy who does all that isn't attractive (in fact, a guy who offers to plan and pay is very attractive).

What I am saying is this:

Yes, the men are meant to be the head of the household and the point of leadership.  I totally believe that they were designed for that job.  I also believe that women were created to play the more submissive role, and to be the gentle support of the relationship.  But isn't it also true that the whole point of marriage is meant to be two people joining as one and working through things as a team?  A team where God leads you both forward amidst the messiness of life, understanding that the only perfection that will ever realistically exist in the relationship will be the perfection of Christ?

If you're going to date realistically, take turns going to each other's homes and hanging out with family.  If you want to do something just the two of you, why not make it classically simple.  Go to the movies, watching one you both want to see, or taking turns making a compromise (an action film for him, a chick flick for her).  Go to a park and talk about life.  Go bowling, and the loser can pay for coffee afterwards.  Be spontaneous, last minute, and messy!  Why?

Because life is spontaneous, last minute, and messy, and your marriage will be too!

We've grown too accustomed to the entitled lifestyle of perfectly planned and elitely organized dating expectations.  Every girl I know (including myself) has a Pinterest board full of detailed plans about what they desire for their future relationships to be, and if they don't they've at least thought about it a lot.  Believe me, I'm as guilty as the next female.  But if you think about it...

Doesn't it make more sense just to live, love, and choose to find joy in the simple things?

I think it does.

Now, at this point you might be asking, how does the friendzone fit into all of this?  Keep reading.  Trust me.  This was a really roundabout process, but I'm getting there.

I have known quite a few males and females alike who look for people who "date well".  To be honest, I've never understood the appeal.  I don't know about you, but something about the whole dating idea just seems so fake.  You could pretend the whole way through, and not even learn a thing about each other.  No... Not for me.

I'm far more captured when I discover a guy who exceeds relationally inside the honesty and vulnerability of close friendship.  There are no expectations, no pressure points (most of the time), and nothing to be gained or lost on either side.  Just two people who care about each other and want to know more.  That's all it takes.

In my mind: Friendship well = Marriage well.

If I can comfortably talk to you about anything and feel that my thoughts are being equally heard and considered, I will trust you.

If you can talk to me about anything and I find myself captivated by your honesty and compelled to open up my schedule for more quality time will you, you will be one step closer to winning my heart.

If I thirst for a Christ-centered, more faith based version of myself after each time we hang out, I will probably start inadvertently picturing our wedding day and naming our children.  (Weird, I know, but that's just how the female mind works).

Not a single date needed.

Eventually, when I do get married, I'm going to want someone I can watch the stars with on the driveway in the summertime, and listen to the rain with when it storms.  I'll want a hand to hold at the movies, and the comfort of feeling his arm around me at church every Sunday.  I'll want to go to lunch after church service and talk about the message, and then eventually share that tradition with our kiddos.  We could spend late nights together, planning trips, talking about life, and just plain dreaming for the future.  I hope I'll be able to tell what he's thinking, just by that certain look on his face.  Everything we plan, dream, and do will be done together.  We'll have trouble, and we'll disagree.  But God will always be at the center, and we'll use the love He has for us to make us a stronger, more closely knit couple.

And the most important part:

When two people who started in the friendzone begin a relationship, they'll never have to worry that the only motivation for becoming a couple was emotions.  When you start with friendship, the connection is raw, and unhindered, and real.  There are no butterflies, speeding heartbeats, or shimmering eyes to tell you that you love this person.  Just conversation, similarity, and trust.

From there, it's all based on character, and whether or not you feel called to the same things.  Not to mention, it's a whole lot easier to hear God speak on the matter when there aren't a bunch of fuzzy feelings charging through your system.  It's just a much healthier way to approach a relationship, and a simpler way to get to know if this is someone you would like to spend your whole life with.

So, to summarize...

I'm not saying you shouldn't date.  

Dating, or courting, or whatever you want to call it, is a healthy part of the process toward marriage, and I believe that special time together is important in order to get to know each other and learn if this is the person that God intends for you to be with.  That's when you start seeing how well you work as a couple.

However, dating should not be a perfect little box of happy, or something you do because of pressure. 

It should be the next level in a friendship heading toward marriage.

I believe that dating was not meant to be the very first step in a relationship.  This whole chain reaction should start with the base of a sturdy, laughter-filled, good old fashioned friendship.  The only place where two people are able to truly, honestly learn about each other without any sort of barriers or walls attached.

Because I don't want a date as my husband...  I need a lifelong friend.

One of my favorite Youtubers says it best in the video below.  The friendzone is just a way for God to show us his love, grace, and powerful ability to change hearts for the better.  It also teaches us patience, and forces us to fully put our trust in God.  Still need proof that the Friendzone is a great place to be?  Check it out...

To Be Honest: Marriage or Ministry?

Note: As a general rule, please read this whole story, otherwise you might end up confused.  Me thanks you :)

One of my greatest struggles that I've been dealing with over the past few months might surprise you.  Until recently, I didn't actually think that I would ever ask this question.  But, sure enough, God did the unexpected and had me thinking through this question anyway.  What question?

Should I continue doing ministry, or should I get married?

I know, that sounds super weird, especially because I am very single right now, but that's why I'm writing about it.  Let me explain...

Ever since starting the teenage drama group, TAG, four years ago my life has been a roller coaster.  Aly's world is basically surrounded on all sides by ministry and the various jobs that are included in that, and let me tell you, it's a beautiful place to be.  I'm a counselor, drama teacher, writer, actor, director, sister, friend, and so much more.  And each of those jobs has a different set of responsibilities.

But the best part is: I love what I do, and I can see God's hand in everything.

I'm a very independent minded individual, which is extremely helpful considering my job description.  I rely on God and myself for everything, only going to others when I absolutely have to (which isn't necessarily always a good thing).  I love my life in ministry, and I've never seen anything wrong with it.

Until recently, when I read an article that penetrated my thoughts like an arrow to the brain.

The article was about how to know if you're being called to a life of singleness.  I don't know what it was that resulted in me clicking on that article, but I was curious, so I clicked on it.

I didn't think it would change anything... But it did.

One section of the article talked about considering being single if you're deeply involved in ministry.  The writer said that this situation is often a difficult one to raise a family in, and makes marriage even harder sometimes (depending on the level of ministry involvement).  As soon as I stopped to think about it, with all that's been going on in my life lately, it didn't take very long for me to confirm that this might not be the best environment to bring a family, or even a husband, into.

I'm a female, so I think about stuff a lot.  And since I've grown so much in the past year, my mind has just naturally started traveling to what my life would look like with a spouse and kids.  As soon as I finished that article and began really thinking about it, though, I kind of freaked out.  It took awhile to admit it to myself, but my current career goals could be really, really hard in a classic family situation.

Every week I act as a counselor for around 20 teenagers, which is an incredible blessing in my life, but can also be a little taxing.  It takes time, prayer, and a lot of energy to lead a large group of actors every week.  Because of this, any relationship I enter would not only have my ups and downs, but the ups and downs of these teenagers too.  Based on where I feel God is leading me, it's very possible that I could be traveling quite often in the future as well.  This is great for a single pringle, but not so great for a married couple with separate jobs.

This probably sounds ridiculously worrisome, but if I have a family, I want to get it right.

Don't get me wrong, I want a family more than anything.  I've been pinning homeschooling, marriage, and kid stuff on Pinterest for over a year now in anticipation for the day that I'll finally get to share adventures with a little family of my own.  But this year I've been having to ask myself, "Is my lifestyle one that could be healthy for a mom and wife to have?"  I've witnessed ministry families that barely see each other, and their kids end up being terribly neglected.  I don't want to end up being that parent.  I also don't want my family to end up having "those kids".  They deserve better.

It's not all bad though.  I've also witnessed married couples who do ministry work together, and are stronger for it.  There are husband and wife public speakers, filmmakers, musicians, actors, etc...  And they're better off because they work together.  In fact, some of the strongest marriages I've seen are those of couples who work together in their ministry to build on each other's skill sets.  It's like the ultimate dream team, and it's incredible to watch!  Most of these couples have kids as well, and bring their children to do ministry work with them.  In these situations, marriage, family, and ministry mesh together in such a beautiful way.  It's like a harmonizing trio of singers when they hit their notes just right.

So the only thing left for me to decide was which one does God want for me?

I guess I've always assumed that when you grow up, getting married and having kids is just part of the deal.  Until recently, I had never even stopped to consider that God could have a different plan for my life, or that God could possibly lead me to a place where having a family of my own would be a toxic situation.  These ideas and thoughts shook me in a way that I haven't experienced in awhile.  But I realize now why this long thought process definitely needed to happen.

I prayed.  I prayed a whole lot...  And God answered.  

For the first time, I was forced to consider whether or not I really desire marriage and a family, instead of just accepting it as the normal thing that happens to everyone.  Did I want to continue following my dream of being an author and a theatre director, or did I want to give that up to become a wife and a mom?  Was this a choice that even needed to be made?

I felt that it was, and I felt that this was something that God really wanted me to consider.

Then, a few days ago, God finally told me what I've been needing to hear.  As I was journaling about this problem, and the choice I felt I needed to make, God opened my eyes.  I realized that my desire for ministry and my desire for family held equal sway over my heart, and both are things that I feel strongly called to.  I didn't know how I could do both, but in that moment I didn't need to know.  God reminded me of all the couples I've seen who do ministry together, and at once I felt that ministry and family were meant to go hand in hand in my life.

I saw the flowers in all their many colors in my mom's garden, and the birds that flew around our yard, and how both were beautifully designed and created by God.  It reminded me that I'm beautifully designed and created too.  God has a glorious purpose for me, and in that moment I saw that I shouldn't be measuring my own strength against that purpose.  My desires for both a ministry and a family are there by design, not by chance, and I know that if I follow God's plan he will give me the strength to do both.

And if God created me to be an author, director, wife, and mother all at the same time, he will also give me the strength and wisdom to do so.

This realization had me feeling lighter than I have in a long time.  The best part about it is that I had the blessing of sharing these thoughts with a few of my girlfriends a day later, and found out that I'm not the only one who's been dealing with this issue.  Apparently a lot of girls feel the need to choose between a career and a family.  We all shared our own personal experiences with this idea, and delighted in the fact that we worship and serve a God who can help us do both!

So on the way home, I prayed again.  But this time, instead of praying for guidance, I prayed for my future husband and family.  I prayed that God would send me a man who's heart is like mine: 100% passionate about ministry, and 100% passionate about family.  I prayed that this man would be just as in love with the purpose and teenagers of TAG as I am, and prayed that, God willing, he would maybe even want to make this team of teenagers a part of his purpose as well.  I prayed that our family would be close, and that our kids would grow to love the Lord.  Most of all, I simply prayed that God would take control, and keep my feet pointed in the right direction.

And as I pulled in my driveway that night, the peace I felt was instant, and I couldn't help but smile.

Have you ever experienced worry over a choice like this one?  How did you decide what to do?  Is this a decision that you still struggle with today?  Let me know!