Dearest Reader,
So, it's after midnight on a Friday. I'm sitting by myself with my headphones blaring, staring at my computer, and my thoughts are running like a crazed turkey. I've had a frustrating day, an exhausting day, and I want to do something I enjoy. There are only two things that make this kind of day better...
Ice cream and writing....and chocolate...and reading...maybe some Studio C...
Ok, so maybe there are more than two things.
Anyway.
I'm too lazy to go all the way down to our currently very silent kitchen to get ice cream. Besides, I've had an extremely unhealthy amount of ice cream already this week (I'm afraid to admit). I've already watched Studio C with my family for over an hour today. I don't want to eat any more chocolate than I've already had this week (also an unhealthy amount, don't ask).
So here I sit. I thought, if I'm going to stay up and give in to the fact that my horrible day is making it hard for me to sleep, I might as well do something productive. I opened my computer, I sat down, I got Word up and running, aaaaand.....
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Now, I've got plenty of ideas, just not any I feel comfortable beginning. The reason for this is something that has been killing me slowly lately. Something that has been hindering my writing in ways that nothing ever has. It's been this way ever since I got published, and it's THE WORST for writer's block. Wanna know what it is? Are you sure you wanna know? Ok...you asked.,.
It's you.
You heard me. All of you terrifying people who read what I write. Ever since you started showing up, my writing has been doubly difficult, and taken twice as much thought. It's a whole lot different writing for people than it is writing when you know nobody is ever gonna read the stuff. Why do you have to make things so gosh darn complicated?
And there's no going back.
Now that I know you exist, my brain can't seem to forget it. Thanks a lot!
Don't feel bad. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just...this has been happening for some time now, and I've finally decided to confront you about it.
You need an example to relate to? Alright, picture this...
You're writing a school paper, a school paper that you're very insecure about and have put your whole heart into. This paper is like a private journal to you. But then, after you turn in the assignment, your teacher says you're going to have to sell copies of your heart-work, promote it a bunch, and try to get people to read it. The problem is, you're an introvert, so going out and selling your paper that way almost seems like kind of the scariest most horrifying thing ever. Then people end up actually buying it and reading it, like, more people than you thought. So you feel like you want to write a sequel for that school paper, but this time it feels like there are a hundred random people looking over your shoulder. Oh yes, and I forgot to mention... You only have one paper a year for school, and each paper is worth a whopping 100% of your grade!
Now, think about that for a minute and tell me that isn't the most uncomfortable thing you've ever heard.
That's because it is.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am SO GRATEFUL that you care enough to read my work. The fact that someone like me could even have readers is a miracle in and of itself. But ever since my brain hooked onto the idea that I actually have a "reader base" now, it has been so much harder for me to get myself into that writing zone. That's not a problem with you. I still want you to read my stuff. But this was just a chance for me to have a very necessary change of perspective.
You see, the first time around I never intended for anyone to see my story except for me, and maybe a couple family members. I intended for writing to be strictly a hobby. I wrote because the words were inside of me. I wrote because it was my passion. I wrote because the characters and stories made my world a better place. It was a place I could transport myself to no matter what I was going through. No matter what problems I had, no matter who had hurt my feelings or how down I felt, God used my characters to teach me things about life.
That's how writing became my oxygen.
Since this new, other mentality came in, I've stopped writing for those reasons, and have been writing for you instead. I'm going to be perfectly honest, the pressure from writing that way is unbelievably awful. Which is why I've decided that...I'm sorry...but I can't do this anymore.
It's just too much for me to take, and I'm just not able to be who you want me to be anymore. I still want to be a writer, and I still want you to be my reader, but I just don't want to write specifically for you anymore. It's not you, it's me.
That's right... I'm breaking up with you.
Don't take it too hard. I just need to do what's best for both of us. If I keep writing for you, I'll never get this story off the ground, and you'll never get to read it. So take this as an opportunity! Thank you for understanding. Don't...nope...please don't cry...
Ok... *awkward*
*sigh*
Well, I'm sure you just need some time to calm down. You'll understand eventually.
Either way, that felt good to get off my chest! Now, from here on out, it's back to square one. In case you are crazy confused (which most of you probably are), I've decided that what everyone else thinks of what I write in my novels isn't going to bother me anymore. I'm going to write what God places on my heart. I'm going to write for me. I'm going to write the truth.
If you happen to like what I do along the way, great! But I'm not going to constantly think about approval, or what would be "popular" anymore.
I'm going to write what I like, and that's that.
I hope you can forgive me. I really do care about you, and I hope we can still be friends.
Until next time, happy reading!
Sincerely,
A Free Writer
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