Certain Uncertainties

"Trust His Process..."

That's the theme I was given at the beginning of 2021. It's just vague enough to leave me clueless about where my life is headed. And just specific enough to make me second guess my every move. For a planner like myself...that's what we like to call a nightmare.

I used to have a map. I knew what steps I wanted to take for the next 5-10 years. Now, I'm back to square one.

In 2020 I finally gave up. I opened my hands and let go of the one thing I've always been afraid to lose. The one thing I didn't know who I'd be without. I said goodbye to my theatre ministry. After almost 10 years of late nights, busy rehearsal schedules, 40-60 hour tech weeks, and building this thing from the ground up, the sandbag dropped and the curtain closed on my heart's stage. We had just achieved nonprofit status, which was the dream. Little did I know, only 6 months after receiving our approval letter, I would be filing our closing paperwork like it never happened at all. Since then it's felt like the only thing left in my hands are questions.

Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I, now that the me I've been growing into since I was 15 is gone? 

And the biggest question of all...

Was it worth it?

A lot of the kids I worked with in my ministry don't talk to me anymore. Most of them have just gotten busy, and so have I, so we only cross paths occasionally. Those I don't mind. That's just how life goes. We shared our moments and moved in new directions, which is the beautiful thing about theatre.

Some told me my ministry helped them grow, aided in their walk with God, and was their comfort in a dark season. These are the conversations I treasure and hold close to my heart. God didn't need my help to work in their lives, and he never will. But he chose to allow me to be a part of it, and that humbles me everyday. I'll never take that for granted. 

And then there are those who called over the years to pour out their souls. The ones who told me I caused them pain and sorrow. Mostly because I told them the truth that they never wanted. Maybe that's my fault. maybe they weren't ready for an honest conversation, and I should have picked up on that. Maybe I should have brushed off the struggles they were having and pretended not to know the answers. Or maybe doing the right thing is a recipe for the chopping block and burned bridges.

No matter which category each of those 80-plus actors fall into, my love and my thoughts still fall on each name equally. It's that fact that has given me the greatest glimpse of God's heart toward us. I learned that I'm capable of loving someone who curses me just as much as someone who blesses me, and if that's the only lesson I'm walking away with, maybe the 10 years really were worth it. My heart still misses and aches for each of them the same, and I can recall each one by name whether they were one of my actors for a day or 4 years.

How much more is God capable of remembering and loving us? That's a question I will find profound and incomprehensible for the rest of my life.

But as for my future, where does the line fall? 

All I know is that everyone seems to expect me to know what to do from here. But I don't. That's the most difficult part. I'm staring at a blank page. The line is blinking, waiting for words. And I don't have any. I had a plan for my entire life laid out, based solely on that theater company. And now I'm back where I started when I was 15, prayerful and unsure.

My friends have all moved on. Some are working big kid jobs, some have gotten married, some have had kids. And where am i?

I'm 25 years old, staring hard at my life and where I want it to go, and not seeing any answers.

So... What do I do? Where do I go? How do I recover from losing everything I wanted my life to be? I wish I knew. Every day without direction feels like a ticking clock in my mind. The only reassurance I have is this...

I know that God knows.

He knows what this year is going to look like for me. He knows what choices I'll end up making. He knows the process of me getting there. He knows. And because he knows—as much as I don't like it—I don't have to know. I just have to trust, and walk, and get up every day with the expectation that God has good things in store for me.

Not the perfectly planned, cookie cutter things in my head, because that's Aly's world and not reality. But good things. I knew my resolution theme at the beginning of this year would challenge me. And, sure enough, it already is. But isn't that what faith is? Walking blindly, and trusting that the waves will provide a stable place to stand? Just simply because God is the one controlling them?

Maybe this is my opportunity to step out on the sea and learn to walk. It'll be slow and I'll falter, but so did Peter. And I find it no accident that the writing project I've had on my mind for the past year and a half is also about that very man. God has a sense of humor like that, doesn't he?

Even though it would be easy to look at what's next with fear and bitterness and dread, and that's my natural instinct, I'm determined to face this differently. A blank page can be unnerving, but it can also be exciting. It means the possibilities are endless. 

Despite the unfortunate losses, so much good has also come from 2020. I started a business creating art that I adore and that brings people joy. I joined TikTok as a direct result of quarantine boredom, and ended up making some wonderful, faith-filled friends who I now talk to daily. I discovered new inspiration, willingness, and resolve that I didn't know I could find within myself. I've learned to listen to my health, and made better choices to accommodate it. I've grown closer to my family, and learned more about Aly in the past year than I did through 10 years of theatre directing.

The purpose of this post was mostly to make an update on where I'm at currently. But now that I've reached the end of this tale, I also want to offer encouragement, both to you, dear reader, and to myself...

Your life is not going to look anything like what you've planned out in your head. It's not. There will be pleasant surprises and unforseen tragedies. Your bets will lose, and sometimes the risks you take just won't pan out. But sometimes they will. So my advice is this:

Stop keeping score.

The longer you try to predict the future, the less time you have to just enjoy the ride. God already has the navigation set, and all he wants you to do is just take in the scenery. There will be heartache and sorrow. There will be loss and anger. There will be immense victories. There will be joy beyond compare, and love that stretches farthur and deeper than oceans. I know all of this because, as a writer, I know those are the ingredients that make an incredible story. And at the end of the day, that's what your life is. One beautiful, brilliant, moving, one-of-a-kind story. A story where only the author himself knows the ending.

In life, nothing is certain. And that's why "trusting his process" is bound to be both a wild ride and a beautiful adventure. But that's the point. That's where we reach the end of ourselves, and faith begins.

So, I suppose we should let go, right? Trust the author to do his job. Know that the overall plot will be better off because he can see the big picture. Allow ourselves to place our hope in a beautiful ending. Close our eyes, count to three, and just...

Jump.

Dear Men of God... 5 Things You Should Know

Now, before you feel the need to defend yourselves, I promise the purpose of this post is NOT to condemn and/or judge you. In fact, it's quite the opposite. The purpose of this post is appreciation and encouragement. So, if that sounds like something you've been needing, stick around! I'm going to dive right into it, in the blogger-typical numbered fashion. Here we go...


1. You're You For A Reason

The era we live in has made it harder than ever for men to just be themselves. Specifically men interested in the arts. More times than not, a passion for music, dance, theatre, or other creative endeavors will get you a one way ticket to a multitude of questions, usually about your gender identity. This can even lead to bullying. I'm a theatre director, so I've operated in the arts long enough to see it take place first hand. I think this trend goes all the way back to a very unfortunate lie that states men can't be emotional.

Who started that anyway? Since when does sentiment and having feelings make you less of a man? As a female, I'm here to tell you something very important: Emotions are not gender exclusive. Let me repeat that... EMOTIONS ARE NOT GENDER EXCLUSIVE. Think of King David in the Bible. God made him a musician and an incredible poet, but he was also a military leader and a mighty warrior. He felt things deeply, and it only aided him as a king and commander, because it gave him empathy towards his people. Being an artist, or being in touch with your emotional side, does not make you weak. The opposite is true. So if God has given you a spirit of deep sensitivity and passion, revel in it. He made you that way for a purpose, and he's going to use that part of you for amazing things.

(Also, guys with an emotional side are typically the ones we ladies find very attractive. Just sayin'.)


2. Women Who Desire The Biblical Model Of Marriage Do Exist

This point goes out to the single pringles. I know, I know, I'm "so old school" and I need to "get with the times." That's what most women would say to me anyway, and here's why...

I am one of those rare females who still believes that men are supposed to be the leaders of their household. Yep, did you hear that? That was the sound of a thousand feminists fainting at the very thought. But it's true! Just like the trinity is three in one, and each part has it's own purpose, so goes with marriage. I believe that it's possible for husband and wife to be a team, working together, while still having their own individual parts to play as outlined in scripture.

In our current generation, I know it seems like finding other men and women who want to follow this model is impossible. But we're out there. We exist, I promise. And, just like you, we're praying for a beautiful, God-honoring love story like that of Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 2:1-4:17), Moses and Zipporah (Exodus 2:15-22), Mary and Joseph (Luke 1:26-56, 2:1-7, Matthew 1:18-2:23), and Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24:1-67). Be patient and don't give up hope.


3. Masculinity Is Not Toxic. Humanity Is.

Again, this is probably the opposite of what you're used to hearing. Our generation has done men a great disservice, and I'm not afraid to say so. I've seen the resulting frustration in my own household, as it leaves my brothers, who are the sweetest men alive, feeling downtrodden and stepped on. Women have presently decided to blame the entire male gender for the crimes of the few, and it sickens me for both sides. I ache for the women who were hurt so badly that they felt the need to take it out on everyone around them. And I ache for the men who are now harassed and yelled at for being chivalrous. Everything is backwards.

Call me crazy, but I am a woman who is overjoyed when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, and pays for dinner. Show me some of that classic gentlemanly charm, and I'm sold! I'm also a lady who greatly appreciates men leading the relationship. I will fall head over heals for a man who pursues my heart with prayer and planning. The majority of my female friends agree! Boys who confuse and play games might be alright for some. But the right woman will appreciate your intentionality.

We live in a fallen world, which means those who seek God's direction are going to be constantly tried and tested. But take heart. You're not alone.


4. Mental Illness Isn't A "Female Problem"

This is a societal belief that hides in the shadows and goes unspoken. It goes hand in hand with the assumption that men can't or shouldn't be emotional, and this point aggravates me more than all the others.

I work in youth ministry, and if I had a dime for every teenage boy who shared their mental health struggles with our leadership team - expressing that they've never been able to share this information with their friends or family members before - I would have a lot of dimes. What's even worse is when they DO share these struggles with their friends and family members, but are told to "push through it," "man up," "don't give in to weakness," and "stop being dramatic." I'm sorry, but neglecting another person's emotions, especially with dangerous struggles like self-harm and suicidal thoughts, is unacceptable. If someone in your life has treated you this way, I want to offer my sincerest, deepest apologies on their behalf. Mental illnesses, just like emotions, are not gender exclusive.

You're not broken. You're not "less Christian" because you struggle with anxiety, depression, anorexia (because boys can have eating disorders too), etc... You're not weak. In fact, you're stronger than most because you have more to fight through everyday. You're not less of a man for dealing with this. It's okay to need space to breathe. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to get frustrated. Just don't stay there. If I've learned anything from my years in ministry it's that, first, everyone has problems, and second, people are going to find a way to judge and demean you no matter what that problem is. Don't let them. Work towards seeking help. Talk to a therapist or your pastor or both (both is good). Surround yourself with healthy people who will aid the problem instead of make it worse. Accept that the issue exists, and then don't let it win.

My favorite quote recently is by Eleanor Roosevelt, and it says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You don't have to let them hurt you. That's up to you. You're a man of God either way, and you have a choice, so choose wisely.


5. You Are Loved Abundantly

The most crucial point of all... You are loved abundantly by the perfect Creator who made you. When he put you on this earth, he designed you exactly as intended, not a hair or cell misplaced. It doesn't feel like it all the time, I know. You look in the mirror or lay awake at night, and you hate yourself sometimes. You might even wish you were someone else.

Don't.

Because while your time is devoted to self-loathing, there's a very big God who's thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand (Psalm 139). He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), he will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41:10), and if God is for you, who can be against you (Romans 8:31)?

There is more power, grace, and compassion on your side than you realize. Dwell in it and soak it in. Allow it to fill you up.


There's probably a lot more I could write, but these are the main points I wanted to send your way. I hope you found them encouraging! Don't let the world define who you are. That's God's job, and he does it perfectly! God bless!

Your sister in Christ,

- Aly

Understand

The past couple weeks have been...a struggle, to say the least. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to maintain routine and avoid depression. A struggle to see myself through God's eyes, instead of my own very critical ones. I lost a friend to suicide two weeks ago, and the wonderful dog I had since I was ten had to be put down around the same time. I was confronted by a wave of deep hurt from a source that I can't even talk about, which has brought about flashbacks of the bullying I went through in middle and high school. I'm not gonna lie, the past couple months have been months filled with soul searching and wondering who Aly is even meant to be.

Tonight I finally sat down to wear my heart on my sleeve with God for a while. I didn't know what I was expecting, but writing has been a fight too recently, so I was definitely surprised when the beginnings of a poem drifted to the forefront of my mind...

Growing up with my own insecurities, several bullies, a few crappy boyfriends, and some opinionated relatives has resulted in a profound lack of trust that remains buried deep within me. It takes an extremely long time for me to believe someone isn't going to just up and leave without telling me why. Thanks to some incredible friendships that have formed over the past few years, I'm a lot better at the whole trust thing than I used to be. But every once in a while it still rears its ugly head.

This week was a climax.

I don't know if anyone will relate to this poem... I don't even know why I'm allowing my heart to bleed all over the internet like this tonight... I guess it feels like the right thing to do. Even just simply because I want to be real.

I don't want to hide. And I want others to know that they don't have to hide either.

I'm babbling now, but there's the context for you. So, without further delay...



"Understand"

Understand

I'm only me when I'm alone

And only the lonely me knows

The broken pieces others left behind

They've called me stained glass

Using art to distract from my brokenness

And color to cover

The gray in my soul

They've called me a reflection

Giving to others only what I receive

And conforming so well

That the only and lonely me shatters

They've called me adulteress

One who flirts with a passing stream

And winks at love with such intensity

That I feel nothing at all

I am weak and numb

I am stubborn and emotional

I have so much dangerous ambition

That I accomplish nothing at all

Understand

I don't stop being afraid

It lives, walks, breathes in my bones

Where I am, there fear will be also.

I live in water so deep

My neck aches from reaching

And my heels won't touch the rock below

Living is essential, breathing is optional

Breathing is required for sleep

So I don't

Instead I sit and think

Mostly of You

And then I write

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that would make their blood boil

Hope and hurt and tears

And then I feel

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that make my blood boil

Pain and passion and tears

And then I pray

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made Your blood boil

Grace and glory and tears

Understand

I'm never not a mess

I eat disaster for breakfast

And emulate it the rest of the day

I try so hard to be unique

That I end up like everyone else

I attempt to convince You to love me

When You already do

I run in circles and think in squares

I weep in my weakness and long to be held

I fall on my sword for love that brings ruin

I offer resistance to love that brings peace

And it's true.

Understand

I need You

Do not let this harden my only and lonely heart

Not again

As I diminish, grow

As confusion abounds, clarify

As the ache settles, reassure

As I mourn those still living, be my solace

Tell me stories

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made your blood boil

Love and longing and tears

Weep with me

Dance with me

Ache with me

Laugh with me

I may not understand

The terrible things, the wonderful things

But You do

And Yours is the only voice that matters

Because in a world of misunderstandings

My only and lonely heart

Is perfectly understood

In You

Dear Hindsight: A Love Story Playlist

Dearest Hindsight,

They say you're 20/20, and they would be right. The walls of my mind and the pages of my journals stand as proof of the predicament that fact has left me in. There's this place in my chest where a beating, living, loving thing should be. I've searched it out, and what I used to find instead was scar tissue. Then I started removing the bandages. I allowed myself to feel pain, to feel scabs, to feel the itch that indicates healing. And now here I am. So, this one's for you.

Now, you're not all bad. You've been a blessing in disguise. A mistake made is a lesson learned, and a lesson learned is a mistake not repeated. Because of you, I have been saved many repeated mistakes, and so I owe you my gratitude. I've grown, I've found myself, and I've learned to look at you without aching. So, this one's for you.

And you're not just one person. No. You're every relationship that has made a grand entrance before making a bold exit. You're the times I was heartbroken, and the times I was the source of heartbreak. You're the rear-view mirror that keeps me moving forward, while continuously glancing back to ensure the monsters stay behind and never return, both yours and my own.

Consider this an honest tribute. To those I loved and left behind, in no particular order...

1. Story Of Us by Taylor Swift

To you, the one I fell for too hard and too fast. We started as friends, and never talked about how we truly felt, which left us in an awkward, unhealthy in-between. I liked you for a very long time, and you took the longest to get over. But I blame myself for a lot of how that went. I was young, and needy, and friendless, and it overwhelmed you. There was also a lot of outside pressure for us to be more than friends. After a while we stopped talking, and I didn't know why. You're also the first of two guys I've ever told "I love you," which, I'm pretty sure, is what scared you off. We didn't end on a good note, and we're not friends anymore. Unfortunately, I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, which was not great. You'll never see this, but I'm sorry.

2. Just Friends by the Jonas Brothers

To you, the guy who was my best friend for three years. You patiently listened to me complain about other guys, and I listened to you complain about other girls. We encouraged and advised each other. You once jumped into a snow bank just to cheer me up on a bad day. Then we grew, and wondered if we could possibly work as a couple. You were the first guy to purposefully tell me you liked me. It was snowing, and we almost slipped on some ice on the walk back. We went on one date. Then reality hit, and we realized our lives were about to head in very different directions. We ended things with a positive outlook, offering encouragement to one another. We don't talk anymore, and we live totally different lives, but we're both doing what we love.

3. Stomping The Roses by David Archuleta

To you, the guy who played the part almost perfectly. We started out well, going on adventures and talking about books. I genuinely enjoyed your company. But you were a better actor than I gave you credit for, and I'm still trying to figure out what was authentic. I cared about you, I was real and honest with you, and I still pray for you. You're caught in a cycle of emotional denial and insecurity that is going to lead harmful places someday. The most concerning part of that is you've convinced yourself that you're okay. But by not giving yourself time to heal from the hurt in your past, you're only damaging those around you. And maybe you don't even know you're doing it, but the result is emotional manipulation. I know I could have handled our relationship better as well. The brokenness in our relationship was a team effort. But when you walked away, I felt stronger on my own. And that was all the indicator I needed that ending things was the best gift you gave me. I sincerely hope you figure things out so that you and your future relationships can thrive. I mean that.

4. Giving Your Heart Away by Jessa Anderson

To you, the one who wasn't ready for a relationship. The first guy I ever gave the breakup speech to. The one I knew wasn't right for me, but convinced myself to date anyway, because for once I wanted to believe a guy really cared about me. Our relationship started on accident, due to a typo in a text message, which should have been an indicator right away that it wasn't a great idea. We were both lonely and broken, and we both used each other as an emotional crutch, while convincing ourselves it was more. I felt bad about dragging the relationship on for as long as I did, since I knew pretty early on that we wouldn't last long term. But hearts are funny things, and I didn't know whether I could trust mine. Because of that, you ended up brokenhearted, and I'm sorry.

5. Wait It Out by Jamie Grace

To you, the boys I barely dated, or only went on one date with, who hadn't figured out that women of God like men who approach them with intention. If you ever want to make it anywhere with women (or I guess I should say with women worth pursuing), there are some things you need to stop doing. For example, here are a few of the winning sentences that these boys have tried on me... Good grief...

"I have a lot of stuff and a house, and I figured it's time to find someone to share it with. So that's why I'm dating." (Wow...so romantic *gags*)

"We should hang out again sometime." (Was this a date? Are we just friends? What the heck is going on? You literally didn't explain anything.)

Him: "I really like you."
Me: "I like you too. So, what now?"
Him: "I don't know. What do you think?"
Me: *cue disappointed explosion noises in brain*
(Please, on behalf of all girls everywhere, make an intentional plan before starting this conversation)

6. More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

Finally, to You...

To You, the creator and lover of my soul. The One source of steady reassurance and encouragement in my life. The One who's been there through it all. You help me pick up the pieces each time my heart is on the floor. You keep my hope alive, and give me the strength to keep trusting. You prove Your love to me over and over. In all the chaos and confusion, in all my doubts and anxiety, in every moment, the only person I want to be, the only title I want to have is... "Yours."

Being fully known and fully loved by You is the greatest gift I will ever receive. You're so unbelievably good to me. You know exactly what (and possibly who) my future holds. It's all in Your hands.

My prayers for that "who" have not changed, by the way... The prayers I write about here, and in my journals, and in letters. Whoever he is, he is drenched in prayer.

I know he won't be perfect. Neither will I. But we'll struggle together, and work at struggling well. We'll encourage each other towards You, or we'll do our best anyway. He probably won't be anything like I expect, but he'll make me incredibly thankful that it didn't work out with anyone else. We'll make each other laugh, make each other cry, and annoy the heck out of each other in the best ways.


They say that Hindsight is 20/20, and they're right. But even though what's behind me may seem dark and painful, it's nothing in comparison to the light ahead, because the light ahead is You, and You know what's in store for me. Your plans are always good. You are my yesterday. You are my today. And You are my abundance of tomorrows.

I trust You, Abba.



Sincerely "Yours,"

Aly

The Me That I Am

I met someone new;
An intriguing acquaintance, now mine.
A voice that rang bells. Eyes like ghosts.
And a door opened.

-

Lips as red as the bleeding heart on her sleeve.
It didn't take long to notice,
She was a cocktail of emotion.
She moved through life like a bullet.

-

A name settled on the tip of my tongue,
Unbeknownst to my mind.
Recognition, but no placement.
She remained a mystery.

-

We struck up conversation
Like one strikes a match.
Words passed.
Time didn't.

-

I knew her face so well,
Yet identity still escaped me.

-

Something happened.
Movement caught my eye.
She adjusted her glasses, and there it was.
The quirk gave it away.

-

Me.

-

How could that be?
This reflection wore my face,
But not my flaws.
She was...more.

-

There was passion in her presence.
I looked at her shoulders.
The usual weariness was gone.
I was breathless.

-

I barely recognized her
Without the boulder on her chest.
Where was the inhibition
that lived behind her teeth?

-

She loved like the first breath
And gave like the last.
She looked at hurdles with narrowed eyes
And jumped.

-

She glided past rejection.
She broke.
She let go.
And then shared her heart anyway.

-

She was green tea and ginger;
Adding warmth and spice to life.
She was a novel from 1945;
Old fashioned, with scribbled thoughts on every page.

-

She was the desk in her room,
As shamelessly messy as her mind.
She was unshaken, creative,
Knowing, undefeated.

-

She learned from the past,
Laughed in the present,
and faced the future with anticipation.
All three were friends to her.

-

My soul wept at the sight of her.
Father, will I ever get there?
I asked.
I want to be who she is.

-

I wanted the restfulness in her eyes.
I wanted the contagious joy in her posture.
I wanted to trust no matter what.
I wanted to step out on the sea and believe I could stand.

-

Lord, when will I be her?

-

The answer came,
Whispered.
Waves of tenderness
Crashed on the shore of my soul.

-

You are.

-

Just two words,
And all I could do was breathe.
My lips fell open.
My eyes fell closed.

-

That answer was impossible,
Yet, somehow, believable.
The Creator said it.
It must be so.

-

My heart and brain sped.
The previously new acquaintance vanished.
It was just me.
But not really.

-

There was also Him. The voice's keeper.
Unshaken, creative,
Knowing, undefeated.
Him.

-

And He was the reason
I found those two words so believable.
In His death I gained life.
In His brokenness I was made whole.

-

The rest was history.
My existence defined in two words.
Made with a purpose, unstoppable,
Even by my own shortcomings.

-

The inheritance of royalty
Given to a beggar on the street.
How great the Father's love for us!
How vast beyond all measure!

-

That was the first day God introduced me
To myself.
And ever since I've been discovering
The me that I am.


(Photo Credit: Natalya Bartelt)

That's What I'm Looking For...

Lately I've been wrestling with a question.

Well, not just lately. I've been struggling with this question for a long time now. It's just recently, after writing a play about a love story and then walking through a breakup shortly after, that I've actually had the time to really ponder this conundrum all over again. That question is this...

What is love?

I know the typical answer, from a Christian perspective, is that "God is love." That's true, and I treasure that truth in my heart. But at the moment I'm talking about romantic love. I've been turning it over and over in my mind, and I just keep coming up short. I've even interviewed people I know on the subject, asking questions about how they and their significant other met and when they "knew" this was the person they'd spend the rest of their life with.

Was it a bolt of lightning or writing on the wall? Was it some magical fuzzy feeling, or something they said? Was it a particular list of things they had in common?

The evidence I've found has been...inconclusive at best. Everyone's story is different. All lovely, all perfectly orchestrated by God in his perfect timing. But all different.

Today, when I was asking God more questions, he placed my favorite book series on my heart. I haven't touched its pages in months, which is unusual for me. Over the years it seems I've constantly gone back to that one series to find deeper wisdom, and allowed God to speak to my heart from it.

That series is Dragons in our Midst by Bryan Davis.

Today God brought to mind two specific quotes from that series. Quotes that I used to have memorized, and yet now had almost totally forgotten. Apparently, I needed a refresher.

Boy, did I ever.

The first quote is from Tears of a Dragon (Dragons in our Midst, Book 4, pages 103,105)

When it comes to being a godly wife someday, this quote always convicts me, because these are points that involve patience, and I am not good at that. But I'm growing, and I have a feeling I'll keep coming back to this passage as I do.

And not only does this apply to being a godly wife, but as a sister, a daughter, and a friend, too.

    Bonnie glanced around at all the quiet activity. "Isn't anyone going with Walter?" she asked. "He looked really upset."
    Marilyn spread one arm around Ashley and one around Bonnie. "There's something I've learned about men. They're indispensable. Well, not all men, I suppose, but at least the good ones. In one way, they're fiercely independent, holding their own beliefs and passionately following visions that no one else can see. They need time alone to gather their thoughts, seek God's counsel, and get reenergized. But, when they get back together, they lay aside their differences and forge an unbreakable unit, like a single sword that rips through their enemies with furious rage."
    Ashley pulled away from Marilyn's embrace. "I think I understand what they're feeling. I'd like to be alone for a while, too." She strolled toward the trees, waving behind her. "I'll be back."
    Marilyn kept her arm around Bonnie. "Looks like it's you and me, kid."

(Skipping down a little bit to where the conversation picks up again)

    (Marilyn) wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them closer. "Trials change a man, you know. They make a godly man stronger, wiser, a better leader, and, believe it or not, more humble."
    Marilyn nodded toward Billy. He was shining the pendant's light on a page of Fama Regis, carefully studying the glowing letters. The light flashed back into his face, trimming his skin in scarlet and brushing his hair with reddish highlights. Bonnie smiled. Billy looked more like his father than ever before.
    "Whatever you do, Bonnie, give him room to be a leader. Give him time to fill out his masculine frame, always supporting him with love and encouragement. If he drags himself home from a defeat on the battlefield, impatient nagging will just cut his legs from under him, but an encouraging word will puff his chest out and make him charge back into battle. He needs a woman to inject him with power and purpose, because a good man draws his sword for only one reason, to protect his wife and children."
    Another tingle raced across Bonnie's skin, and her heart thumped. Her soul drank in the words as Marilyn continued.
"The mind-numbing complaints of a shrieking shrew will pour acid in his cuts and squeeze dry his masculine energy. But the tender hands of a loving wife will salve his wounds and open the floodgates to power from above."

This conversation totally put things in perspective for me. And it opened my eyes to the fact that I handled so many things incorrectly in my past relationships. I love how beautifully this is worded, and I ache to be this kind of person so desperately. To be the kind of woman who lifts up the men in her life, and infuses them with the strength and energy to charge onto the spiritual battle field.

The other thing I've learned about love from this series, though, is that being a godly wife first requires the commitment of a godly man. That's where the next passage comes in. Without a doubt, this is my favorite conversation in any book I've ever read, and the pages of this chapter are worn to prove it. These words always bring a smile to my face and light a flame within me, spurring me on to wait for a man who will see me this way.

This passage is from The Bones of Makaidos (Oracles of Fire, Book 4, pages 483-485)

    Clearing his throat and hoping to keep his voice steady, he said, "So does that mean you don't want to marry me?" He cringed. Was that too bold?
    (Bonnie's) face displayed half amusement and half anguish. "No, no. That's not it at all. I just want to know that I don't have to marry you. I want us both to be sure that we want to. If you love me, I want you to pursue my heart with your courage, your kindness, and your godly manner. And I want to freely give my heart to you in love, not by compulsion because of a prophecy that seems to chain us together without a choice."
    As she continued, tears streamed down both cheeks. "Ever since Someone labeled me as the prophetic virgin bride, I was okay with it, because you're such a great guy, but it felt like an arranged marriage. We didn't have any choice. Then, when I heard that the prophesy might not be for us, I felt free. I didn't have to marry you if I didn't want to."
    She caressed his cheek, her voice shaking. "But that's a good thing, Billy. If we really do get married, neither one of us will ever wonder about being bound by someone else's words, a predestined edict that denies our free will and forces us to obey its irresistible decree. Instead we can come together by a choice to love that is free and resistible, because if we aren't able to choose to walk away from each other, then our coming together wouldn't be because of love at all, would it?"
    As she drew back her hand, a torrent of conflicting emotions flooded his mind. She was so right. Being bound like that wouldn't be love. Freedom to choose a life partner was the basis of love in the first place. Being dragged by fiat into a relationship would be nothing more than bondage. Still, not knowing for sure that he would forever be with this amazing girl nearly tore him apart. Finally, he squeezed out a reply. "I...I think you're right. But it's scary. It was kind of..." He paused. The words had to be just right. "It was comfortable, I guess, knowing that you would be in my future. I didn't have to guess what was going to happen."
    Her fists clenched in her lap. "But I don't want you to be comfortable. I want you to win my heart. I want you to fight for me, sweat for me, bleed for me. I want you to know that you had to pay a valuable price for me, and that I am a treasure in your mind, not a trophy that was handed to you because of a divine proclamation."
    Billy looked into her fiery eyes. She had been bold, confident, and true. Again, she was right, and he couldn't say a word.
    She laid her palms on her chest, covering the sunburst on her uniform. Then, slowly, ever so slowly, she extended her arms, her palms up. "Here is my heart, Billy. It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive."
    He glanced between her palms and her pleading eyes. "How much will it cost me?"
    With a quivering smile, she wept through her words. "Everything. It will cost you your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part." Sniffing back a sob, she added, "But don't answer now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend."
    Billy cupped his hand over her palms, making a covering for her "heart." Firming his jaw, he pushed every ounce of energy he had into his voice, giving it strength, yet a sense of calmness, like a lighthouse in the midst of a storm. "Watch me, Bonnie. We have battles ahead. We have enemies to conquer. And we have women and children to protect from some of the greatest evils imaginable. But I will not neglect this mission. I will show you how much you mean to me, how precious your heart is to mine. And when you see how much I'm willing to pay, then you can decide if it's enough to buy what is priceless."

The very idea of a man ever loving me this much is unfathomable to me. Honestly, I could type up this entire series scene by scene for examples of beautiful godly relationships. I've been reading about these characters since the 5th grade, and I've gotta tell you, even though the men in these books are far from perfect, they set the standard at an early age.

I don't want to settle.

Not when it comes to being a godly woman. Not when it comes to finding a godly man. And definitely not when it comes to building a godly marriage.

I have this list. It's the typical "I Need A Guy Who..." list that every girl makes when waiting for her husband to come along. Mine has well over fifty points to it so far. But God convicted me about that a few months ago.

"You only need one," he said. "Let me give it to you."

So, I opened my heart, and he did. That one standard is this...

"Can I serve God better with this man by my side than I can without?"

This hit me so hard. Especially when I realized that, so far, for every guy I've ever dated, the answer was no. Every single one.

Honestly, though, it's not their fault. The realm of ministry I'm in is so, so hard. It's the type of ministry that you can't really get away from when you go home. I'm painstakingly aware that the guy God sends my way is going to have to be prepared for so many things, and he's going to have to put up with having a crazy theatre ministry director as a wife. I get it, that is not normal. He's going to have to be very special and unique, and I'm counting on it. I won't settle for anything less.

So...if my future guy happens to be reading this...

Here's my heart.

It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive. It will cost you everything. Your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part. But don't answer me now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend.

My Year In Review: 18 Quotes For 2018

In 2017 my resolution was to "Lose Myself In God's Love." God came through on that theme in ways I never would have expected. I experienced ministry burnout, which left me with nothing to cling to but God. I started this year, 2018, with nothing left to give and not a clue who I was meant to be. My new resolution was to "Abide In Him," because that's basically all I had the energy to do. God's been working on me with that one all year and, most of the time, just being honest, I've failed miserably.

If there's one ongoing lesson God's been teaching me this year, it's how very badly I need to work on two very important words...

Be Still.

But that's another blog post for another day.

2018 has been filled with new people, new experiences, and the beautiful process of rediscovering who God created me to be. I spent the first half of the year allowing God to remind me who I am. Then, once I had spent several months rebuilding, the second half of the year included growth through several new, terrifying, challenging, joyful, blessed experiences. At the end of it all, I feel more myself than I ever have. I'm confident that I'm exactly where God wants me, and it's the first time in a long time I've been able to say that. 

I know who I am. 

But I'm still in the process of learning, growing, and seeing where my path leads. I've been praying about what my resolution should be for next year, and I think I've finally landed on the right one. In 2019, I hope to "Rediscover My Purpose."

Before I move forward with that theme, though, I wanted to summarize where I've been, where I am, and where I'm hoping to be in the future. So, without any further rambling and in no particular order, here are 18 quotes that describe my 2018.

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It Gets Better

Hello friends.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to start this post. This year has been a whirlwind. But the overwhelming truth that I keep coming back to is this...

Our good, wonderful, glorious God is so magnificently, unconditionally FAITHFUL.

If you've been reading my previous posts, you know that I've been in the depths of ministry burnout for about two years now, which came to a climax in the Fall/Winter of 2017. Feel free to go back and read those heart cries if you need to catch up on that whole situation. I didn't want to accept it then, but I can say with honesty now that I had been experiencing depression along with the burnout at that time as well. It was a series of dark days for me. I seriously thought I would never feel that beautiful passion burning inside me ever again. For theatre, for writing, for ministry. But, praise the Lord, that darkness is not where I remained.

Now, almost a year later, I am rejoicing!

God walked every step of this year right along side me, and proved to me time and again how vast his goodness and mercy really are. I'm more myself than I've ever been, and I couldn't have gotten here without the wake up call of hitting rock bottom, and having no choice but to look up. God truly turned my entire world upside down, and I've never been so thankful to have my plans pried from my fingers.

Last year my resolution was to "Lose Myself in God's Love." He brought that to fruition in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I didn't think it was beautiful at the time, though. I'd been stripped of every mask I used to wear, the comfort I used to cling to, hiding behind identities that weren't my own. Writer, Director, Ministry Leader, the list went on. And God tore those masks away from me one at a time, until all that was left at the end of last year was... me.

That isn't what I wanted. "Me" isn't what I wanted. Without those masks I became the girl who hadn't dealt with the pain that friends and past relationships had left behind, shoving it away to keep the feelings of worthlessness at bay. I became the girl who developed social anxiety from being bullied. The girl who smiled all day and said she was good just to avoid talking about how she had cried herself to sleep the night before, the weight of her stress being far too much for her to bear. Without those masks all I had was my pain.

And that pain is what God was trying to get to all along.

Over New Years, feeling at the very end of me and not capable of really "doing" anything, my resolution for 2018 was to simply "Abide In Him."

Honestly, abiding was all I could do. I was so exhausted, and I had no ways to please anyone that wouldn't totally drain my energy in an hour or less. All I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let him love me.

And that's exactly what he wanted all along.

In church they always tell you that "God's love isn't something we can ever earn." And we all smile and nod and say we agree. But do we really believe that statement? I thought I did. And then I learned, after 7 years of ministry, that I had believed one thing while simultaneously living in the opposite.

I believed that I could earn God's love. I could deserve it. "All those other people in my past hadn't thought me worthy of long-term love, but surely I could make God see that I was deserving of the sacrifice he had made for me!"

Flummadiddle!

I couldn't teach God how to love me anymore than I could teach a potato how to be a potato. A potato already IS a potato! And God already loves me as much as he ever could, with every ounce of unconditional love that he has!

And so, as I've spent this year abiding in his gracious love for me, I've found so much healing in taking the time to just simply be in awe. Do you ever do that? Just sit and allow yourself to be amazed by God?

Yesterday I went for a walk, and the air was a settling kind of warm, and the breeze was just strong enough to blow my hair back and kiss my skin, and the sky had just enough stars and clouds to look like pure artistry. I took off my shoes and stood in still, quiet water. My lungs filled with the blessed scent of dewy greenery. I could taste a coming rainstorm brewing in the breeze. I felt rocks under my toes.

That's something you truly miss when you go through burnout... Feeling. In the midst of that season, everything is numb. Food you used to enjoy has no taste. Joy and anger are just words. Everything is indifference and dull sorrow, and not knowing why.

Last night was one of the many times over the past several months where I quieted my heart and just allowed myself to feel. And I did. And what I found was pure, unhindered joy welling in my soul. In that moment, it was impossible for me not to marvel at God's majesty.

Remember that trail I was telling you about in a previous post? The one that God wanted me to pave? I think I found it. That trail he wants me to pave and explore is my relationship with him. What I'll find along the way, I have no idea.

But that's the exciting part, isn't it? We get to ADVENTURE, and GROW, and DISCOVER until the day we pass away. And then we'll stand in amazement as we look at the full tapestry that God used our lives to create. And it will be the most beautiful thing!

If you're someone experiencing depression, burnout, or some other struggle right now, don't stop fighting. God can use it, and he WILL use it. Not only that, but he'll bring a whole new season of light to you on the other side. You'll feel again. You'll hope again. You'll breathe again. Allow yourself the time to ache, and rest, and mourn over the broken pieces of the life you've lost. But then open your arms, sit in God's presence, and let him love on you!

Don't ever stop fighting for your purpose, your joy, your soul.

Even after you heal, you're still going to have days now and then when that exhaustion comes back. Listen to it! Rest when it comes, and take the time to really hear what your heart is telling you. But I promise it will improve with time, and those burnout days will get less and less frequent.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, and have been so good about checking in to make sure I'm okay. God has used you to heal my heart in more ways than you will ever know.

Now... I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow again. I'm ready to feel again. I'm ready to continue the adventure that God called me to so many years ago, applying all the new things I've learned along the way.

I'm ready.

Onward and Upward!