Understand

The past couple weeks have been...a struggle, to say the least. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to maintain routine and avoid depression. A struggle to see myself through God's eyes, instead of my own very critical ones. I lost a friend to suicide two weeks ago, and the wonderful dog I had since I was ten had to be put down around the same time. I was confronted by a wave of deep hurt from a source that I can't even talk about, which has brought about flashbacks of the bullying I went through in middle and high school. I'm not gonna lie, the past couple months have been months filled with soul searching and wondering who Aly is even meant to be.

Tonight I finally sat down to wear my heart on my sleeve with God for a while. I didn't know what I was expecting, but writing has been a fight too recently, so I was definitely surprised when the beginnings of a poem drifted to the forefront of my mind...

Growing up with my own insecurities, several bullies, a few crappy boyfriends, and some opinionated relatives has resulted in a profound lack of trust that remains buried deep within me. It takes an extremely long time for me to believe someone isn't going to just up and leave without telling me why. Thanks to some incredible friendships that have formed over the past few years, I'm a lot better at the whole trust thing than I used to be. But every once in a while it still rears its ugly head.

This week was a climax.

I don't know if anyone will relate to this poem... I don't even know why I'm allowing my heart to bleed all over the internet like this tonight... I guess it feels like the right thing to do. Even just simply because I want to be real.

I don't want to hide. And I want others to know that they don't have to hide either.

I'm babbling now, but there's the context for you. So, without further delay...



"Understand"

Understand

I'm only me when I'm alone

And only the lonely me knows

The broken pieces others left behind

They've called me stained glass

Using art to distract from my brokenness

And color to cover

The gray in my soul

They've called me a reflection

Giving to others only what I receive

And conforming so well

That the only and lonely me shatters

They've called me adulteress

One who flirts with a passing stream

And winks at love with such intensity

That I feel nothing at all

I am weak and numb

I am stubborn and emotional

I have so much dangerous ambition

That I accomplish nothing at all

Understand

I don't stop being afraid

It lives, walks, breathes in my bones

Where I am, there fear will be also.

I live in water so deep

My neck aches from reaching

And my heels won't touch the rock below

Living is essential, breathing is optional

Breathing is required for sleep

So I don't

Instead I sit and think

Mostly of You

And then I write

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that would make their blood boil

Hope and hurt and tears

And then I feel

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that make my blood boil

Pain and passion and tears

And then I pray

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made Your blood boil

Grace and glory and tears

Understand

I'm never not a mess

I eat disaster for breakfast

And emulate it the rest of the day

I try so hard to be unique

That I end up like everyone else

I attempt to convince You to love me

When You already do

I run in circles and think in squares

I weep in my weakness and long to be held

I fall on my sword for love that brings ruin

I offer resistance to love that brings peace

And it's true.

Understand

I need You

Do not let this harden my only and lonely heart

Not again

As I diminish, grow

As confusion abounds, clarify

As the ache settles, reassure

As I mourn those still living, be my solace

Tell me stories

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made your blood boil

Love and longing and tears

Weep with me

Dance with me

Ache with me

Laugh with me

I may not understand

The terrible things, the wonderful things

But You do

And Yours is the only voice that matters

Because in a world of misunderstandings

My only and lonely heart

Is perfectly understood

In You

The Me That I Am

I met someone new;
An intriguing acquaintance, now mine.
A voice that rang bells. Eyes like ghosts.
And a door opened.

-

Lips as red as the bleeding heart on her sleeve.
It didn't take long to notice,
She was a cocktail of emotion.
She moved through life like a bullet.

-

A name settled on the tip of my tongue,
Unbeknownst to my mind.
Recognition, but no placement.
She remained a mystery.

-

We struck up conversation
Like one strikes a match.
Words passed.
Time didn't.

-

I knew her face so well,
Yet identity still escaped me.

-

Something happened.
Movement caught my eye.
She adjusted her glasses, and there it was.
The quirk gave it away.

-

Me.

-

How could that be?
This reflection wore my face,
But not my flaws.
She was...more.

-

There was passion in her presence.
I looked at her shoulders.
The usual weariness was gone.
I was breathless.

-

I barely recognized her
Without the boulder on her chest.
Where was the inhibition
that lived behind her teeth?

-

She loved like the first breath
And gave like the last.
She looked at hurdles with narrowed eyes
And jumped.

-

She glided past rejection.
She broke.
She let go.
And then shared her heart anyway.

-

She was green tea and ginger;
Adding warmth and spice to life.
She was a novel from 1945;
Old fashioned, with scribbled thoughts on every page.

-

She was the desk in her room,
As shamelessly messy as her mind.
She was unshaken, creative,
Knowing, undefeated.

-

She learned from the past,
Laughed in the present,
and faced the future with anticipation.
All three were friends to her.

-

My soul wept at the sight of her.
Father, will I ever get there?
I asked.
I want to be who she is.

-

I wanted the restfulness in her eyes.
I wanted the contagious joy in her posture.
I wanted to trust no matter what.
I wanted to step out on the sea and believe I could stand.

-

Lord, when will I be her?

-

The answer came,
Whispered.
Waves of tenderness
Crashed on the shore of my soul.

-

You are.

-

Just two words,
And all I could do was breathe.
My lips fell open.
My eyes fell closed.

-

That answer was impossible,
Yet, somehow, believable.
The Creator said it.
It must be so.

-

My heart and brain sped.
The previously new acquaintance vanished.
It was just me.
But not really.

-

There was also Him. The voice's keeper.
Unshaken, creative,
Knowing, undefeated.
Him.

-

And He was the reason
I found those two words so believable.
In His death I gained life.
In His brokenness I was made whole.

-

The rest was history.
My existence defined in two words.
Made with a purpose, unstoppable,
Even by my own shortcomings.

-

The inheritance of royalty
Given to a beggar on the street.
How great the Father's love for us!
How vast beyond all measure!

-

That was the first day God introduced me
To myself.
And ever since I've been discovering
The me that I am.


(Photo Credit: Natalya Bartelt)