Understand

The past couple weeks have been...a struggle, to say the least. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to maintain routine and avoid depression. A struggle to see myself through God's eyes, instead of my own very critical ones. I lost a friend to suicide two weeks ago, and the wonderful dog I had since I was ten had to be put down around the same time. I was confronted by a wave of deep hurt from a source that I can't even talk about, which has brought about flashbacks of the bullying I went through in middle and high school. I'm not gonna lie, the past couple months have been months filled with soul searching and wondering who Aly is even meant to be.

Tonight I finally sat down to wear my heart on my sleeve with God for a while. I didn't know what I was expecting, but writing has been a fight too recently, so I was definitely surprised when the beginnings of a poem drifted to the forefront of my mind...

Growing up with my own insecurities, several bullies, a few crappy boyfriends, and some opinionated relatives has resulted in a profound lack of trust that remains buried deep within me. It takes an extremely long time for me to believe someone isn't going to just up and leave without telling me why. Thanks to some incredible friendships that have formed over the past few years, I'm a lot better at the whole trust thing than I used to be. But every once in a while it still rears its ugly head.

This week was a climax.

I don't know if anyone will relate to this poem... I don't even know why I'm allowing my heart to bleed all over the internet like this tonight... I guess it feels like the right thing to do. Even just simply because I want to be real.

I don't want to hide. And I want others to know that they don't have to hide either.

I'm babbling now, but there's the context for you. So, without further delay...



"Understand"

Understand

I'm only me when I'm alone

And only the lonely me knows

The broken pieces others left behind

They've called me stained glass

Using art to distract from my brokenness

And color to cover

The gray in my soul

They've called me a reflection

Giving to others only what I receive

And conforming so well

That the only and lonely me shatters

They've called me adulteress

One who flirts with a passing stream

And winks at love with such intensity

That I feel nothing at all

I am weak and numb

I am stubborn and emotional

I have so much dangerous ambition

That I accomplish nothing at all

Understand

I don't stop being afraid

It lives, walks, breathes in my bones

Where I am, there fear will be also.

I live in water so deep

My neck aches from reaching

And my heels won't touch the rock below

Living is essential, breathing is optional

Breathing is required for sleep

So I don't

Instead I sit and think

Mostly of You

And then I write

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that would make their blood boil

Hope and hurt and tears

And then I feel

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that make my blood boil

Pain and passion and tears

And then I pray

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made Your blood boil

Grace and glory and tears

Understand

I'm never not a mess

I eat disaster for breakfast

And emulate it the rest of the day

I try so hard to be unique

That I end up like everyone else

I attempt to convince You to love me

When You already do

I run in circles and think in squares

I weep in my weakness and long to be held

I fall on my sword for love that brings ruin

I offer resistance to love that brings peace

And it's true.

Understand

I need You

Do not let this harden my only and lonely heart

Not again

As I diminish, grow

As confusion abounds, clarify

As the ache settles, reassure

As I mourn those still living, be my solace

Tell me stories

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made your blood boil

Love and longing and tears

Weep with me

Dance with me

Ache with me

Laugh with me

I may not understand

The terrible things, the wonderful things

But You do

And Yours is the only voice that matters

Because in a world of misunderstandings

My only and lonely heart

Is perfectly understood

In You

What Adults Don't See: The Problem Is Never The Problem

"What is your problem?"

It's a fair enough question.  Everyone has one. In fact, I'm extremely willing to bet that everyone has several. There's just the difference between those who honestly admit it, and those who don't.

I'm one of those people who admits it. The one that everyone dreads asking the "How are you?" question, because they know I'll answer honestly.  If I'm not okay, I will tell you flat out. I don't have secrets.  As a youth leader and theatre director I make every effort in the world to be as real as possible, and being an open book seems to be the best way to do that.

The thing about being an open book... It's contagious.

A little while ago I wrote about working in youth ministry, and several lessons I've learned from it. One of those lessons involved vocabulary words that have become a part of my everyday conversations. Self-harm. Anorexia. Depression. Pornography. Anxiety. PTSD. Suicide. The list goes on and on. And what I've found over the years is that there's one thing all of these words have in common.

These words are not the problem.

Parents tell me all the time how their teen is acting out/hiding away/always searching for something more.

"I just don't know why they're clinging so hard to this unhealthy relationship."

"They're so angry all the time for no reason."

"We've tried every preventative measure and punishment, but they can't get past this addiction."

I hate to tell you this, but Jack Sparrow might have actually been right about something: "The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem."

When young adults are struggling through emotional baggage, gripping tightly to unhealthy habits/relationships, and becoming self-destructive, it's not a disease. The words in that list up there are not a diagnosis. They're a symptom.

Here's an example...

Say you have a brain tumor. It's there, it's growing, it inhibits the functionality of your daily life, and you're well aware that it exists. But instead of searching for a treatment for the original issue, you take a variety of medications to suppress the pains associated with that issue. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Not even close.

In fact, the longer you go along ignoring the tumor, the more it will grow, and the worse the symptoms will become.

I've known parents who found out that their teen had depression and was suicidal, and instead of offering compassion and seeking the source of the issue, reacted with anger. Some of the parents I've encountered even separated their child from our team of counselors when we tried to help them, grounding the teen from social situations and communication devices, and isolating them even further.

Let me be very clear: This is not the answer.

Separating the youth from positive social situations and denying the problem exists does not lead to a solution, it makes you an enabler.

If a teen you know is struggling with some sort of problem mentality, you have much bigger things to worry about than the initial situation. In every case I've seen, something much deeper was going on. These youth were dying inside long before the signs began to surface. This is where much more important words enter the picture.

Bullying. Emotional and physical abuse. Loss of a loved one. Divorce. Abandonment. Traumatic experience. Anything that might have altered the teens life in a dramatic way that they had no control over.

This is where the disease is found.

Now, I'm not saying it's a consistent rule that there's always something more going on behind the scenes when these symptoms appear. But in almost 8 years of youth ministry, I have yet to encounter a young adult situation where this didn't turn out to be the case. Thankfully, there is a solution...

Get to the source.

Now, those four words have more than one meaning. And each meaning is just as crucial as the others for getting to a cure. In my experience, these are the measures that improve and even prevent harmful situations from taking place.

1. The Source of the Emotion

When an initial outburst of unusual emotion happens, please, PLEASE do not revert to accusing the youth of "just wanting attention." I can't even tell you how damaging this is. Nine times out of ten there is something so much deeper going on. Every time you pull out the attention card you're telling the youth in question that you are not a person they can ever feel safe opening up to. The youth is going to lose respect for you, cling more tightly to their negative behavior, and will start seeking out other (most likely less moral) sources of comfort and trust.

Instead, try to get to the source of the behavior. Why do they seek out this habit/addiction/relationship? What need is it filling for them (and what is something positive that could fill that need instead)? When was the inciting incident that set this in motion?

And if the source of the issue happens to involve you in a negative way, LISTEN. Do not react with immediate harshness and anger. Calmly hear them out, ask questions about how the situation can be made better. Compromise. In other words, please, BE THE ADULT.

Put simply, react the way you would want your teen to react if roles were reversed and you brought a fault to their attention. Be respectful, attentive, and make an effort to understand their thoughts rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.

2. The Source of the Symptom

Once the source of the initial emotion is discovered, you can work toward a solution to the symptoms. When did depression start becoming more prevalent in their life? If drugs and alcohol are a bandage, where's the wound? What brought on their distrust in adult relationships, and caused them to start disrespecting authority? Find out their logic behind it.

Trust me, in most cases it doesn't take a PHD to get teens to open up. All it takes is someone who's willing to listen without immediately judging them or telling them their problem "could be worse." To them, the problem already is worse. All they want is someone to talk to about it.

Again, this takes calm listening skills, patience, and a gentle nature. Don't rush them to open up. Don't force them into telling you. Just respectfully ask the questions and allow them to tell you in their own time (it'll be sooner than you think, I promise).

No matter the attitude you're getting, the young person has most likely already considered needing help and advice in their situation, and are simply searching out the right person to approach by process of elimination. When they're finally ready to open up, make sure you're the person they feel safe with, instead of the person who will immediately default to anger and problem-solving.

Make the person more important than the problem.

3. The Source of True Healing

At the center of everything, what your youth needs more than anything is prayer. Lift them up to God daily. Ask that the Lord will surround them with people who can uplift and encourage them in the right ways when you aren't able to. Make sure your youth knows that you and God will both love them no matter what choices they make.

Seriously, that last one is super important.

So many young people think love from the adults in their life is conditional. Any overstepping of boundaries or doing something worthy of disappointment and they suddenly feel like they'll only be tolerated by their family for the rest of their lives. This isn't an exaggeration. So many teens feel this way, and it breaks my heart.

Let them know, before it's too late, that your love for them is unconditional instead of the alternative. Reassure them constantly that you're there for them no matter what. Remind them that you're there to walk with them through the storms, and that God is in control. Give them every opportunity to know that you are a safe place, a source of solid ground, and that you're willing to fight for them in every kind of storm.


I know I'm a young, unmarried person who has no parenting experience, so I understand if you have some reservations about heeding this advice. I only hope that you test these waters for yourself. Interview the teens in your life and find out if this process of assistance is something they would find beneficial.

I'm so very thankful for the young people that God has placed in my social circle. I consider them dear friends and family, and watching them grow is such a major blessing. I hope you have the chance to experience that joy!

I hope you all have a blessed week. Keep changing the world one step at a time!

"Losing Myself" On A Sunday Afternoon

This post was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to edit it until now.  God has been opening my eyes to some of his plans for me recently, and it has absolutely taken my breath away.  After months and years of questions, I'm beginning to see just how he was working all along, and how I should have just patiently trusted...  Hopefully my lessons will save you the trouble.

***

I'm in awe of you.

Even when I'm busy following my own plan, searching for what I think should be happening in my life, you're still at work.  You show me your loving kindness and mercy by continuing your good plan for me even when I'm attempting to walk on my own.  What a laughable thought.

Why do I do this?  I move ahead of you before the time is right.  I struggle, I moan and complain, I ask you why, and I'm not willing to wait.

Impatience... Not just a bad choice, it's a sin.  I've been too eager, not willing to wait on your plan.

Even still, you finally reveal your plan, and it's so easy.  You were working the whole time, and I didn't even notice.  A plan that only you could have orchestrated, at work when I was too distracted trying to bring things about in my own way.  And yet, even when I was ignoring you, you brought about the answer.

Lord, I'm so ashamed of how little faith I have in you... I long to trust you so desperately, and yet I make plans outside of you.

Transform me, Father.  Change me from the inside out and teach me to be patient.  You are the only one I want dictating my future.  No one else.  Not my own thoughts, not my friends or family, not the world and what society considers "normal."

Only you.

Refine me, Abba, in the fires of your holy forge.  Mold me into a weapon of your choosing, created with purpose and ready for whatever battlefield awaits me.  Design me with your eternal kingdom in mind, so that I might have the chance to serve some small role in your kingdom.  My life in your capable hands; the only one who can take a pointless piece of metal and turn it into a valued form with a specified purpose.  Whether it be a sword, charging forward into the unknown.  An arrow, pointing the way.  A dagger, for up close, in-the-thick-of-it warfare.  A chest plate, shielding hearts from darkness.  A helmet, protecting minds from the devil's schemes.

Whatever is needed most, you choose.  I will wait with great anticipation to discover what you create.  I will be patient, content with the fact that, no matter my specific title, I am already the dear beloved of God.

Today my shirt says "I am yours and you are faithful."  I've been harboring so much bitterness, Jesus.  Anger toward those who have left me behind.  I've been prideful, and filled with hate.  I've convinced myself that my feelings are justified.

No...

Everyone who's not in my life anymore was removed for a reason.  My judgements toward them are only a demonstration of my imperfect heart, not theirs.  You not only saw every moment, you walked it with me.  You orchestrated each friendship's beginning and end, working each one for my good.  My bitterness toward those people and situations after all this time is keeping me from completely experiencing the fullness of your love.  Each day of confusion and tears was written in your book, along with exactly how you would work each minute into the goodness of your plan for me.  You've always known who you want me to become, even before I was a thought in anyone's mind.  Every moment, whether joy or pain, was designed with a positive purpose; to get me there.  Each step has deepened my relationship with you in a way that nothing else could have.  You pursue me with tireless passion and determination.  You don't just tolerate my existence, but genuinely adore me with perfect, unconditional love that no one else can offer.  A love that my sinful heart can never truly comprehend or repay.

A gift greater than anyone could possibly surpass.

The real trouble is I've spent so much of my life trying to find myself.  What does that even mean, "finding myself?"  I've already been found.  The creator of the stars knows me better than even I do, and yet I'm worried about finding myself?

All this time I've wasted, and I've only just realized that my time would have been better spent losing myself.  Losing myself in you.

I keep wandering aimlessly, feeling sorry for myself as though I'm such a lost cause.  If only I would open my soul and start listening to you before reaching sorry desperation, I would hear a very different message than the one I usually give myself.  I shouldn't be finding myself...  Because only by losing myself do I find more of you.

My only function, the one thing I was created for, is to live life solely to bring you glory.  I'm meant to breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry, speak, and love in such a way that anyone could look at me and see you instead.

No matter what the world says.  No matter how many times I lose direction and focus, and attempt to find my way back on my own.  No matter how hard I am on myself, and how many times I question the way you created me.  To you I am always enough.

All my flaws, all my gifts, everything that makes me who I am, just as I am... It's enough for you.

I can just be.

This New Year I had some trouble.  I couldn't figure out a good resolution.  Not because I couldn't think of anything to improve.  Not at all.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I have way too much to improve.  So, how do you pick just one thing to work on about yourself?  The last two years I've chosen more general life goals.  It started in 2015 with the resolution to "live bravely."  In 2016 it was to "be joyful" in every circumstance, which was surprisingly more difficult than the live bravely challenge. 

And now I think I just found my newest resolution.

In 2017 I'm going to strive to "lose myself" in God's love.  I've spent too much time looking for love in other places.  Created too many failures attempting to find myself without my Savior.

It's a lot like driving. 

You know when you pull up to a stop light, and you're anticipating the moment when that light turns green?  What do you look at in the moments before you get the go signal?  Are you the person who looks at the red light and waits patiently for it to turn green?  Or do you look at the light that's currently green to see when it turns red?  I caught myself doing the second thing one day, and God called me on it in a big way.  In fact, I haven't been able to get that lesson out of my head ever since. 

"What are you doing looking at someone else's greenlight, when you should be patiently watching me to give you a greenlight of your own?"

Ouch.

My loving Father, I don't want to do that anymore.  It's time to get lost in the beauty of all you are.  I want my breath to be stolen away by the glory of your presence.  I don't want to push you away anymore.  You've chased after me my entire life.  Even after I gave my life to you, you still didn't stop pursuing me.  You are pure, untainted love, and I fall more in love with you everyday. 

Truthfully, I'm a mess.  I'm envious, judgmental, insecure, broken, selfish, controlling, and constantly aware of my every fault.  I'm a disaster.  I'm trying.  I'm constantly failing.  But somehow, that's not what you see.  I will never live up to all the expectations I have for myself.  But somehow that doesn't matter.

Because, despite all of that, you love me anyway.  And I will never thank you enough.

A Walk In My Shoes: What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

As many of you know, I have struggled with having anxiety for a large portion of my life.  Anxiety comes in many forms, has many sources, and can come with many different symptoms.  My personal struggle is Social Anxiety, which started after several emotionally and mentally traumatic experiences with bullying and rejection.  It's not nearly as severe as many other cases are, but still impacts my daily life.

Allow me to give you a look inside my mind.


First of all Social Anxiety makes many normal tasks more difficult simply because they draw attention in some way.  Things like this make me extremely uncomfortable, and actually cause me to stress and freak out if I'm having a bad enough day.  For example...

To most people this probably sounds like a ridiculous scenario.  I, on the other hand, read this and reacted by my brain shouting "yes, someone understands!"  Other scenarios include...

Just in case a little definition would help you, here are some explanations of Social Anxiety specifically:

People with Social Anxiety have a variety of coping mechanisms to get through situations that make us uncomfortable.  These coping mechanisms can be a good indicator of whether or not someone you know has anxiety.

There are several specific things that bother people with anxiety.  Mostly just the fact that we know we shouldn't be afraid, but can't stop the emotion anyway.  Some other things would be...

Just know that, despite my anxiety, I really am trying my best.  Anxiety is the reason I know God is constantly working in my life.  I'm a drama teacher for crying out loud!  Not many people with Social Anxiety can say that they actually get excited to direct a group of teenage actors every week.  But, believe it or not, my anxiety actually has the least amount of impact on me when I'm acting and directing.  It's like I'm a different person, and I know that's God working through me.

I'll leave you with a couple notes.  If you know someone, or multiple someones with Social Anxiety, here are some things to keep in mind.  Just love on us.  Know that we have quirks, and we might not want to be daring all the time.  But, when we do, we'll tell you!  And even if we don't, we still love you!  Don't mistake our quiet tendencies for weakness, anger, or a stuck up attitude.  Often times we have a lot to say, but are quiet because we haven't figured out how to say it yet.

Here's To The Nice Guys

 

You've heard it said in various circles...  "Nice guys finish last."  They've told you in order to get the girl you need to have an edge.  Take a walk on the wild side and keep the ladies guessing.  "Face it, girls only like the bad boys," they say.  And at this point you gentlemen are wondering why you even clicked on this blog.

Hang in there.  I'm here to prove those people wrong.

By the way, I should probably mention that, yes, I am a female.  Hi there...hello.  I tend to write a lot of posts geared toward my fellow gal pals, so if you're a dude and it's your first time on my blog, welcome!  This one's especially for you.  And if you've ever related to the "nice guy" label, keep reading.  I have something to say.  But, first, I have some apologies to make on behalf of our generation.

First of all, nice guys, I'm sorry you're so underappreciated.  You treat girls with respect, opening doors and pulling out chairs.  You're the listening ear, and the shoulder to cry on.  You endure the ups and downs of our emotional minds for the sake of friendship.  And instead of getting a thank you note, you get a speech about female empowerment and how we're so independent.  I beg you, be a gentleman anyway.  Listen, some girls just don't get it.  As young women, we've grown up in a society that shoves feminism down our throats.  We're told that we need to be only our own in order to make it in this world.  But, the truth is, we like your kindness.  If a woman doesn't appreciate a gesture of gentlemanly behavior, they aren't the type of woman you want to hang around anyway.  In a culture that tears down every ounce of old fashioned charm and class, please, bring chivalry back!

Second, I'm sorry that the world is so opinionated.  Lies like "boys are only after one thing," and "chivalry is dead" seem to be universally accepted at this point, and it paints a horrible portrait for those men who are actually trying to do what's right.  Because of this, girls approach the opposite sex with unbidden whispers of caution humming through the back of our minds.  Generalizations surround you before you even get the chance to speak.  You're told that having no control over your mind and body is natural, and that you shouldn't even try to change it.  This is the part I'm the most saddened by.  No one should be told that they can't better themselves.  No one should be told they can't find pure, innocent, God-given love.

Third and lastly, I'm sorry you feel like you have to hide who you are.  Guys who show emotion are bullied, and either told they should man up, or they should question their gender identity.  Girls can cry through a book or at a movie theater, even during commercials sometimes, and not be questioned.  If a guy sheds a tear in any situation, they're automatically made to feel like there's something wrong with them.  I'm sorry we've reached a point in our culture that looks at men who express themselves through music, theatre, or dancing, and automatically wonders if they're gay.  I know this is true, because some of the students I've met have been bullied about this in school.  Some of them even started believing it, and it's totally changed their lives.  I'm sorry you're made to feel like depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts are only things that girls deal with.  It's just not true.  You're not alone.  I promise you, there are plenty of guys who deal with these issues.  I've counseled them before.  The only reason these problems seem more uncommon in the male realm is because all of you are made to feel like you can't talk about it.  It's not right.  Problems are not gender exclusive.

Ok, good.  Glad to get that off of my chest.  Now that the apologies are out in the open, I have some things to tell you.  You ready?


These.  Lies.  Don't.  Define.  You.


There, I said it!  The words that everyone is afraid for you to hear, because they know you'll change the world if you did.

You want the honest truth?  Guys are being used and abused right now like never before.  Do you want an example?  Growing up, the world feeds you exactly what is "normal" for a man to be.  They tell you that you can't control yourself, so why try?  Those lies are why prostitution is one of the top moneymakers in the world, why pornography can be seen pretty much everywhere (even store windows at the mall).  Think about this...

Have you ever considered how strange it is that everyone is told those urges and cravings are normal, and yet the very people defining what's normal happen to be making billions of dollars to satisfy those cravings?  And that's just one example!

So I repeat...

THESE LIES DON'T DEFINE YOU.

Guys, no matter what you do, how you live, the world will always have something to say.  This goes for girls too.  Our lies might sound different, but we're fed just as many lies as you are.  Listen, I believe that the "Nice Guys" are the leaders that God is going to use to set an example for men and women alike.  That means he's going to use you.  That's right, YOU.  The guy who's in the background, who does what's right (often without being noticed), who puts others first and wears his heart on his sleeve.  I don't care what others say.  You are appreciated, you are seen, and you are loved just as you are!  Please, don't sell yourself short and give up on your quest for kindness just because the world tells you kindness is weak.

In the Bible, it is very clear that everyone is created just as they are for a purpose, flaws and all.  Read it through.  You'll find that strength is found in weakness, and selflessness is a source of overflowing joy.  You'll find that some of the most prominent followers of Christ were extremely emotional.  David, a man after God's own heart, was a poet and a musician!  He poured his heart out in beautiful verse.  Moses was a shy guy who didn't even trust himself to speak.  Take a look, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that the lines the world has been feeding you are far from the truth.

So this is my encouragement to you...

Show compassion.  Express yourself.  Be messy, and genuine, and honest.  Live bravely in kindness and purity.  Stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.  Lead by serving.  Know that it's ok to be weak sometimes.  Follow in God's footsteps, no matter what judgments the world might send your way.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, but be willing to learn from them.  Laugh too hard when you're filled with joy, weep when you feel broken, and pray either way.  Know that it's stronger to lean on God than to stand on your own.

And when it comes to us, the good girls who feel totally outnumbered and alone, know that we exist.  We've been waiting our whole lives for a guy like you to knock on our door, and we'll continue waiting right here until you do.  We don't want you to be anything but absolutely yourself.  We've been praying for you since we first learned to speak, and in those prayers we've asked God to spare you from the lies of our broken culture.

Please, don't give up.  Don't give in.

So, here's to the Nice Guys.  Other people in your life will call you that as an insult, hoping to bring you down to their level and get you to join the bandwagon they all joined long ago.  But, to the right people, especially the right girl, that label will turn into a complement of the highest order.  Wait for her. And while you're waiting, trust in God, love life, and be yourself. Find your purpose and chase after it with every ounce of energy and talent you have. Get creative! And when she's supposed to enter your life, she will love that purpose just as much as you do.

You're loved by God, and there truly are young ladies who are extremely thankful men like you exist. So... Thank you.

Sincerely,

A "Good Girl"

The Weight of the World

(Warning, there's a lot of reality below)

I'm not sure why I'm blogging today, or what I'll even write about...

Lately I can't help feeling like my home is falling apart.  I'm falling apart with it.  I keep reading quote after quote about trusting God, and I desperately want to.  But with each passing day I find that my faith isn't as strong as I wanted it to be.  Reading my Bible gets harder and harder.  I'm journaling more and more.  I'm annoyed with sunshine, and only seem to find comfort when it's raining, like today.  On the upside, my prayer life has never been so active.  Although most of it is just me asking why things aren't changing.

Songs like "Silhouette" by Owl City have become my go-to music of choice.  I know everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, but that reason is clouded in many shadows.  I know the more depressed and upset I allow myself to get, the more satan gets the upper hand.  But I don't know how to change it.  I'm in the center of a tornado.  I myself am doing alright, but everything around me is chaos.  And all I can think to do is write, sleep, and whisper to God for comfort, not necessarily in that order.

I know that this is all happening because my family is heavily involved in ministry.  As soon as we started this new project, I knew we were all in for (to replace a more accurate word that I would rather not use) one heck of a trip.  I just had no clue how bad it would actually get.  All around me walls are falling to the ground; walls that have taken lifetimes to build.  It's shattering me.

What's worse is everyone else involved in this project is experiencing the same thing.  Everyday I find out about another life that's falling to pieces.  Another world that shifting on it's axis, causing earthquakes all around.  Another change that's just too much to take.

We're worn.  We're damaged.  We're barely walking.

And yet God is relying on us to bear the weight of this story?  This stream of events and problems that are way beyond our understanding?  Or... at least they used to be.

Wow...

Maybe that's it.  In this film, this movie we're destroying ourselves to create, we cover a multitude of teenage problems.  Anxiety, depression, divorcing parents, self-harm, suicide, bullying, death and loss, addiction, pornography, and more.

Every single one of these topics has been experienced by our cast and crew over the past two months.  These are the very topics that are tearing us to shreds.  The tools and temptations that the devil has been using to turn our souls.  And here we are.

Talk about accurate portrayal.

We relate to these characters more than we realize, I think.  In this process, these characters have been our traveling companions.  And these characters will end up discovering what we have just been learning ourselves...

We cannot rely on ourselves to heal.

We can't even rely on each other.

The only One we can rely on to remove our tinted goggles, and reveal the true view of grace and love beyond, is the only One who's capable of doing it in the first place.

God.

In the past we've had other awful roads in order to reach positive results.  Some of the greatest points of impact this group has ever made were the projects that we "just wanted to get through."  Why would God allow this movie to be any different?  If the journey didn't carry so much pain, would we come out as close as our cast and crew have become?  Isn't it worth it when God is a god who can give our struggles purpose?

And maybe, just maybe, when people leave the theater after seeing this film, they'll come up to us and say we made a difference.  And if that happens maybe we'll be able to say, with tears of joy and humble hearts, that nothing in that film was of our own ability.  We'll listen to their stories of pain and brokenness, and actually be able to relate.  We'll introduce them to the real director of this film, and weep together as they get to know who Jesus is.  And maybe, for those who open up to us, they'll find that their night at the movies turned out to feel a lot more like church.  And maybe they'll walk to their cars with a weightlessness they've never experienced before.

And maybe, because of our struggles, they'll leave the theater that day bound for Heaven.

Isn't that why we're in this world in the first place?

Or have I forgotten that life isn't about me...

Maybe those walls that have been falling all around me are coming to ruin so that God can plant a garden in its place...


Father, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  When will I ever learn that Your plan is so much bigger than me?  When will I stop pretending that my very small knowledge, my three feet of spiritually nearsighted vision, is all that there is?  If You're an ocean, I'm a single drop of rain.  If You're the sky and the stars, I'm a feeble paper kite, trying my best to reach you but failing all the time.  If You're soaked into the depths of the earth, I am a blade of grass growing in your love, here today and gone tomorrow.  If You make up everything, I'm nothing at all.

But that's why you sent your Son to die on the cross.  I don't have to be nothing anymore.  You gave up Your everything so I could have a chance to be a little bit of something.

Knowing that, how could I possibly look at life with anything but wonder and awe?

You see my brokenness.  You see me when I'm invisible.  You always have.  You tell me it's ok to feel the way I do, but that I shouldn't worry.  You will never leave me or forsake me.

And the same goes for everyone else.

Omnipresent, eternally loving, unconditionally forgiving, Giver of life and light, Abba, Friend, Lover of my soul.  I have no reason to be afraid when you walk beside me.  So why do I tremble?

This film has been personally commissioned by the Creator of the universe.  Lord, You hold each scene, each crew and cast member, each individual moment in the palm of Your hand.  You have seen the end result.

You have already won.

I'm so done with being kicked while I'm down.  We're already bruised, bloodied, and struggling to get our lungs to inflate.  Then the devil hits us with another wave.  But it will not last.  The floodwaters will subside as soon as we've been strengthened enough to stand.  This is the cocoon; the refining fire that will brush away the ashes and leave us new creation.

You have a plan.  At the end of this we will be one step closer to who You are, and all the struggles will make sense.  All I ask is that, until then, you hold my hand.  Lead me in the way you want me to go.  I need a map, Lord.  Right now I'm turning every which way, but nothing looks familiar.  Show me where to walk, and I will.

Better yet, show all of us so that we can walk together.  Unified.  One team with one purpose, glorifying the One who gives us breath and revives us every morning.  That is our cause.

The prince of evil has no power.  His demons will not prevail.  YOU alone, Jesus, have victory!  And this time will be no different.  There's an entire book of stories proving it's true.  Every word of the Bible shows us the miraculous power of your mercy.

Keep opening our eyes to the truth.

A Thank You Note... To The Girl Who Bullied Me

This one's for you...

To the girl that used her false confidence to make me feel small.

You, the one who started me on the path to having social anxiety, and always made sure I knew just how insignificant I was.

Who purposely made my friends feel sorry for you, so that when you teased me they would do nothing but watch in silence.  And as they walked away with you, leaving me alone with my growing insecurities, you would look back at me and smirk without them ever noticing.

You, who glared at me across the room at church, and played the victim when I tried to defend myself.

You, who put me down for being too pure, innocent, and naive, saying it was ridiculous that I had no desire to be sexy.  Who complained about all your boyfriend issues, and then went right on to making me feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one (which I found comical, by the way).

The girl who would point out my "idiocies" in public, in front of my friends and family.

The girl who was the reason I would listen to "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North in my room and sing at the top of my lungs, hoping and praying that God would give me enough grace to face you the next time.

The girl I was afraid of for far too long.

The girl who defined way too much of my high school experience.

To the girl who terrified me, gave me panic attacks, and made me wonder if trusting people was even worth it.

And if I saw you today, all I would have to say to you is...



Thank you.


I never got the chance to tell you.  Maybe someone will see this and show it to you.  I hope they do.  I wanted to send it to you myself, but you blocked me on facebook.  Maybe you felt guilty, or maybe you were actually convinced that I hated you.  Either way, I have a lot that I haven't said to you, and so here I am.

I'm going to be honest... it's taken me ages to get here.  Some of what I went through with you is the reason I have anxiety and trust issues.  But I get better everyday, and that's why I want to thank you.

I will never be thankful for the memories that I have of you, don't misunderstand me there.  The hateful glances, poisonous words, and sarcasm that felt like gunshot wounds took a long time for me to forget, and I'm not about to go back.

What I'm thankful for is who I became because of you.

The years when I felt lower than low in your presence were the years that taught me the most about what I do now: Youth Ministry.  Thanks to you, when a teen comes to me feeling insignificant, I can relate to them.  I can look them in the eye and tell them that God will use their struggles for good, because that's what He did for me.

In fact, if I had never been bullied, I doubt I would have discovered I have a passion for youth ministry at all.  It's because of you that I stumbled upon that immense gift in my life, and the reason I have now been able to help so many young people overcome their own bullies by the grace of God.

You made me feel completely alone.  But it was in that loneliness that I clung to God the most dependently.  My relationship with my Savior is deeper because of that time.  And it was in the lonely hours that He revealed his plans for my life, bit by beautiful bit.

It was also during these hours of solitude that I dove into my writing, and discovered that I could create worlds outside of my own.  Some of the best scenes I have ever written came from nights filled with tearful desperation for a distraction.  My characters grew out of that hurt.  These characters were my comfort, and are still a beloved part of my life to this day.

Thanks to you, I have learned how to not only tolerate people who are cruel to me, but also understand their situation in an effort to show them love.  Just like I had to do in order to forgive you.  It took several years, but I finally figured out the secret behind your hatred toward me, and in the end it had nothing to do with me.

People who feel insecure act cruelly in order to make others feel insecure, and so on.  I don't know why, or what happened in your life to make you feel so small that you had to resort to injuring others, but I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for whatever pain made you want to stop feeling.  I'm sorry that you felt the only way you could make and keep friends was by manipulation.  I'm sorrier still that you hated me simply because I didn't fall for your game.  There were times you even made me second guess myself, and I had to consult with adults in order to make sure I wasn't really the one at fault.

Because of that, you made me stronger.

I really do owe you a lot.  You may never know that I've forgiven you, and that breaks my heart.  God taught me so many lessons through you, all of which have greatly impacted who I am today.  I only wish I could hug you and say so in person, maybe even just to see the look of confusion on your face.

You challenged me.  You injured my self-esteem.  But your treatment of me never defined me, and I'm more confident now because of it.

I may never see you again, but if  I do, and if God gives me the courage to approach you one more time, I might just tell you so in person.

But for now, since the internet is all I have, I will do so right here.

In the past I never would have believed I could say this, but....

Thank you.