Certain Uncertainties

"Trust His Process..."

That's the theme I was given at the beginning of 2021. It's just vague enough to leave me clueless about where my life is headed. And just specific enough to make me second guess my every move. For a planner like myself...that's what we like to call a nightmare.

I used to have a map. I knew what steps I wanted to take for the next 5-10 years. Now, I'm back to square one.

In 2020 I finally gave up. I opened my hands and let go of the one thing I've always been afraid to lose. The one thing I didn't know who I'd be without. I said goodbye to my theatre ministry. After almost 10 years of late nights, busy rehearsal schedules, 40-60 hour tech weeks, and building this thing from the ground up, the sandbag dropped and the curtain closed on my heart's stage. We had just achieved nonprofit status, which was the dream. Little did I know, only 6 months after receiving our approval letter, I would be filing our closing paperwork like it never happened at all. Since then it's felt like the only thing left in my hands are questions.

Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I, now that the me I've been growing into since I was 15 is gone? 

And the biggest question of all...

Was it worth it?

A lot of the kids I worked with in my ministry don't talk to me anymore. Most of them have just gotten busy, and so have I, so we only cross paths occasionally. Those I don't mind. That's just how life goes. We shared our moments and moved in new directions, which is the beautiful thing about theatre.

Some told me my ministry helped them grow, aided in their walk with God, and was their comfort in a dark season. These are the conversations I treasure and hold close to my heart. God didn't need my help to work in their lives, and he never will. But he chose to allow me to be a part of it, and that humbles me everyday. I'll never take that for granted. 

And then there are those who called over the years to pour out their souls. The ones who told me I caused them pain and sorrow. Mostly because I told them the truth that they never wanted. Maybe that's my fault. maybe they weren't ready for an honest conversation, and I should have picked up on that. Maybe I should have brushed off the struggles they were having and pretended not to know the answers. Or maybe doing the right thing is a recipe for the chopping block and burned bridges.

No matter which category each of those 80-plus actors fall into, my love and my thoughts still fall on each name equally. It's that fact that has given me the greatest glimpse of God's heart toward us. I learned that I'm capable of loving someone who curses me just as much as someone who blesses me, and if that's the only lesson I'm walking away with, maybe the 10 years really were worth it. My heart still misses and aches for each of them the same, and I can recall each one by name whether they were one of my actors for a day or 4 years.

How much more is God capable of remembering and loving us? That's a question I will find profound and incomprehensible for the rest of my life.

But as for my future, where does the line fall? 

All I know is that everyone seems to expect me to know what to do from here. But I don't. That's the most difficult part. I'm staring at a blank page. The line is blinking, waiting for words. And I don't have any. I had a plan for my entire life laid out, based solely on that theater company. And now I'm back where I started when I was 15, prayerful and unsure.

My friends have all moved on. Some are working big kid jobs, some have gotten married, some have had kids. And where am i?

I'm 25 years old, staring hard at my life and where I want it to go, and not seeing any answers.

So... What do I do? Where do I go? How do I recover from losing everything I wanted my life to be? I wish I knew. Every day without direction feels like a ticking clock in my mind. The only reassurance I have is this...

I know that God knows.

He knows what this year is going to look like for me. He knows what choices I'll end up making. He knows the process of me getting there. He knows. And because he knows—as much as I don't like it—I don't have to know. I just have to trust, and walk, and get up every day with the expectation that God has good things in store for me.

Not the perfectly planned, cookie cutter things in my head, because that's Aly's world and not reality. But good things. I knew my resolution theme at the beginning of this year would challenge me. And, sure enough, it already is. But isn't that what faith is? Walking blindly, and trusting that the waves will provide a stable place to stand? Just simply because God is the one controlling them?

Maybe this is my opportunity to step out on the sea and learn to walk. It'll be slow and I'll falter, but so did Peter. And I find it no accident that the writing project I've had on my mind for the past year and a half is also about that very man. God has a sense of humor like that, doesn't he?

Even though it would be easy to look at what's next with fear and bitterness and dread, and that's my natural instinct, I'm determined to face this differently. A blank page can be unnerving, but it can also be exciting. It means the possibilities are endless. 

Despite the unfortunate losses, so much good has also come from 2020. I started a business creating art that I adore and that brings people joy. I joined TikTok as a direct result of quarantine boredom, and ended up making some wonderful, faith-filled friends who I now talk to daily. I discovered new inspiration, willingness, and resolve that I didn't know I could find within myself. I've learned to listen to my health, and made better choices to accommodate it. I've grown closer to my family, and learned more about Aly in the past year than I did through 10 years of theatre directing.

The purpose of this post was mostly to make an update on where I'm at currently. But now that I've reached the end of this tale, I also want to offer encouragement, both to you, dear reader, and to myself...

Your life is not going to look anything like what you've planned out in your head. It's not. There will be pleasant surprises and unforseen tragedies. Your bets will lose, and sometimes the risks you take just won't pan out. But sometimes they will. So my advice is this:

Stop keeping score.

The longer you try to predict the future, the less time you have to just enjoy the ride. God already has the navigation set, and all he wants you to do is just take in the scenery. There will be heartache and sorrow. There will be loss and anger. There will be immense victories. There will be joy beyond compare, and love that stretches farthur and deeper than oceans. I know all of this because, as a writer, I know those are the ingredients that make an incredible story. And at the end of the day, that's what your life is. One beautiful, brilliant, moving, one-of-a-kind story. A story where only the author himself knows the ending.

In life, nothing is certain. And that's why "trusting his process" is bound to be both a wild ride and a beautiful adventure. But that's the point. That's where we reach the end of ourselves, and faith begins.

So, I suppose we should let go, right? Trust the author to do his job. Know that the overall plot will be better off because he can see the big picture. Allow ourselves to place our hope in a beautiful ending. Close our eyes, count to three, and just...

Jump.

Dear Men of God... 5 Things You Should Know

Now, before you feel the need to defend yourselves, I promise the purpose of this post is NOT to condemn and/or judge you. In fact, it's quite the opposite. The purpose of this post is appreciation and encouragement. So, if that sounds like something you've been needing, stick around! I'm going to dive right into it, in the blogger-typical numbered fashion. Here we go...


1. You're You For A Reason

The era we live in has made it harder than ever for men to just be themselves. Specifically men interested in the arts. More times than not, a passion for music, dance, theatre, or other creative endeavors will get you a one way ticket to a multitude of questions, usually about your gender identity. This can even lead to bullying. I'm a theatre director, so I've operated in the arts long enough to see it take place first hand. I think this trend goes all the way back to a very unfortunate lie that states men can't be emotional.

Who started that anyway? Since when does sentiment and having feelings make you less of a man? As a female, I'm here to tell you something very important: Emotions are not gender exclusive. Let me repeat that... EMOTIONS ARE NOT GENDER EXCLUSIVE. Think of King David in the Bible. God made him a musician and an incredible poet, but he was also a military leader and a mighty warrior. He felt things deeply, and it only aided him as a king and commander, because it gave him empathy towards his people. Being an artist, or being in touch with your emotional side, does not make you weak. The opposite is true. So if God has given you a spirit of deep sensitivity and passion, revel in it. He made you that way for a purpose, and he's going to use that part of you for amazing things.

(Also, guys with an emotional side are typically the ones we ladies find very attractive. Just sayin'.)


2. Women Who Desire The Biblical Model Of Marriage Do Exist

This point goes out to the single pringles. I know, I know, I'm "so old school" and I need to "get with the times." That's what most women would say to me anyway, and here's why...

I am one of those rare females who still believes that men are supposed to be the leaders of their household. Yep, did you hear that? That was the sound of a thousand feminists fainting at the very thought. But it's true! Just like the trinity is three in one, and each part has it's own purpose, so goes with marriage. I believe that it's possible for husband and wife to be a team, working together, while still having their own individual parts to play as outlined in scripture.

In our current generation, I know it seems like finding other men and women who want to follow this model is impossible. But we're out there. We exist, I promise. And, just like you, we're praying for a beautiful, God-honoring love story like that of Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 2:1-4:17), Moses and Zipporah (Exodus 2:15-22), Mary and Joseph (Luke 1:26-56, 2:1-7, Matthew 1:18-2:23), and Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24:1-67). Be patient and don't give up hope.


3. Masculinity Is Not Toxic. Humanity Is.

Again, this is probably the opposite of what you're used to hearing. Our generation has done men a great disservice, and I'm not afraid to say so. I've seen the resulting frustration in my own household, as it leaves my brothers, who are the sweetest men alive, feeling downtrodden and stepped on. Women have presently decided to blame the entire male gender for the crimes of the few, and it sickens me for both sides. I ache for the women who were hurt so badly that they felt the need to take it out on everyone around them. And I ache for the men who are now harassed and yelled at for being chivalrous. Everything is backwards.

Call me crazy, but I am a woman who is overjoyed when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, and pays for dinner. Show me some of that classic gentlemanly charm, and I'm sold! I'm also a lady who greatly appreciates men leading the relationship. I will fall head over heals for a man who pursues my heart with prayer and planning. The majority of my female friends agree! Boys who confuse and play games might be alright for some. But the right woman will appreciate your intentionality.

We live in a fallen world, which means those who seek God's direction are going to be constantly tried and tested. But take heart. You're not alone.


4. Mental Illness Isn't A "Female Problem"

This is a societal belief that hides in the shadows and goes unspoken. It goes hand in hand with the assumption that men can't or shouldn't be emotional, and this point aggravates me more than all the others.

I work in youth ministry, and if I had a dime for every teenage boy who shared their mental health struggles with our leadership team - expressing that they've never been able to share this information with their friends or family members before - I would have a lot of dimes. What's even worse is when they DO share these struggles with their friends and family members, but are told to "push through it," "man up," "don't give in to weakness," and "stop being dramatic." I'm sorry, but neglecting another person's emotions, especially with dangerous struggles like self-harm and suicidal thoughts, is unacceptable. If someone in your life has treated you this way, I want to offer my sincerest, deepest apologies on their behalf. Mental illnesses, just like emotions, are not gender exclusive.

You're not broken. You're not "less Christian" because you struggle with anxiety, depression, anorexia (because boys can have eating disorders too), etc... You're not weak. In fact, you're stronger than most because you have more to fight through everyday. You're not less of a man for dealing with this. It's okay to need space to breathe. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to get frustrated. Just don't stay there. If I've learned anything from my years in ministry it's that, first, everyone has problems, and second, people are going to find a way to judge and demean you no matter what that problem is. Don't let them. Work towards seeking help. Talk to a therapist or your pastor or both (both is good). Surround yourself with healthy people who will aid the problem instead of make it worse. Accept that the issue exists, and then don't let it win.

My favorite quote recently is by Eleanor Roosevelt, and it says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You don't have to let them hurt you. That's up to you. You're a man of God either way, and you have a choice, so choose wisely.


5. You Are Loved Abundantly

The most crucial point of all... You are loved abundantly by the perfect Creator who made you. When he put you on this earth, he designed you exactly as intended, not a hair or cell misplaced. It doesn't feel like it all the time, I know. You look in the mirror or lay awake at night, and you hate yourself sometimes. You might even wish you were someone else.

Don't.

Because while your time is devoted to self-loathing, there's a very big God who's thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand (Psalm 139). He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), he will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41:10), and if God is for you, who can be against you (Romans 8:31)?

There is more power, grace, and compassion on your side than you realize. Dwell in it and soak it in. Allow it to fill you up.


There's probably a lot more I could write, but these are the main points I wanted to send your way. I hope you found them encouraging! Don't let the world define who you are. That's God's job, and he does it perfectly! God bless!

Your sister in Christ,

- Aly

Dear Hindsight: A Love Story Playlist

Dearest Hindsight,

They say you're 20/20, and they would be right. The walls of my mind and the pages of my journals stand as proof of the predicament that fact has left me in. There's this place in my chest where a beating, living, loving thing should be. I've searched it out, and what I used to find instead was scar tissue. Then I started removing the bandages. I allowed myself to feel pain, to feel scabs, to feel the itch that indicates healing. And now here I am. So, this one's for you.

Now, you're not all bad. You've been a blessing in disguise. A mistake made is a lesson learned, and a lesson learned is a mistake not repeated. Because of you, I have been saved many repeated mistakes, and so I owe you my gratitude. I've grown, I've found myself, and I've learned to look at you without aching. So, this one's for you.

And you're not just one person. No. You're every relationship that has made a grand entrance before making a bold exit. You're the times I was heartbroken, and the times I was the source of heartbreak. You're the rear-view mirror that keeps me moving forward, while continuously glancing back to ensure the monsters stay behind and never return, both yours and my own.

Consider this an honest tribute. To those I loved and left behind, in no particular order...

1. Story Of Us by Taylor Swift

To you, the one I fell for too hard and too fast. We started as friends, and never talked about how we truly felt, which left us in an awkward, unhealthy in-between. I liked you for a very long time, and you took the longest to get over. But I blame myself for a lot of how that went. I was young, and needy, and friendless, and it overwhelmed you. There was also a lot of outside pressure for us to be more than friends. After a while we stopped talking, and I didn't know why. You're also the first of two guys I've ever told "I love you," which, I'm pretty sure, is what scared you off. We didn't end on a good note, and we're not friends anymore. Unfortunately, I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, which was not great. You'll never see this, but I'm sorry.

2. Just Friends by the Jonas Brothers

To you, the guy who was my best friend for three years. You patiently listened to me complain about other guys, and I listened to you complain about other girls. We encouraged and advised each other. You once jumped into a snow bank just to cheer me up on a bad day. Then we grew, and wondered if we could possibly work as a couple. You were the first guy to purposefully tell me you liked me. It was snowing, and we almost slipped on some ice on the walk back. We went on one date. Then reality hit, and we realized our lives were about to head in very different directions. We ended things with a positive outlook, offering encouragement to one another. We don't talk anymore, and we live totally different lives, but we're both doing what we love.

3. Stomping The Roses by David Archuleta

To you, the guy who played the part almost perfectly. We started out well, going on adventures and talking about books. I genuinely enjoyed your company. But you were a better actor than I gave you credit for, and I'm still trying to figure out what was authentic. I cared about you, I was real and honest with you, and I still pray for you. You're caught in a cycle of emotional denial and insecurity that is going to lead harmful places someday. The most concerning part of that is you've convinced yourself that you're okay. But by not giving yourself time to heal from the hurt in your past, you're only damaging those around you. And maybe you don't even know you're doing it, but the result is emotional manipulation. I know I could have handled our relationship better as well. The brokenness in our relationship was a team effort. But when you walked away, I felt stronger on my own. And that was all the indicator I needed that ending things was the best gift you gave me. I sincerely hope you figure things out so that you and your future relationships can thrive. I mean that.

4. Giving Your Heart Away by Jessa Anderson

To you, the one who wasn't ready for a relationship. The first guy I ever gave the breakup speech to. The one I knew wasn't right for me, but convinced myself to date anyway, because for once I wanted to believe a guy really cared about me. Our relationship started on accident, due to a typo in a text message, which should have been an indicator right away that it wasn't a great idea. We were both lonely and broken, and we both used each other as an emotional crutch, while convincing ourselves it was more. I felt bad about dragging the relationship on for as long as I did, since I knew pretty early on that we wouldn't last long term. But hearts are funny things, and I didn't know whether I could trust mine. Because of that, you ended up brokenhearted, and I'm sorry.

5. Wait It Out by Jamie Grace

To you, the boys I barely dated, or only went on one date with, who hadn't figured out that women of God like men who approach them with intention. If you ever want to make it anywhere with women (or I guess I should say with women worth pursuing), there are some things you need to stop doing. For example, here are a few of the winning sentences that these boys have tried on me... Good grief...

"I have a lot of stuff and a house, and I figured it's time to find someone to share it with. So that's why I'm dating." (Wow...so romantic *gags*)

"We should hang out again sometime." (Was this a date? Are we just friends? What the heck is going on? You literally didn't explain anything.)

Him: "I really like you."
Me: "I like you too. So, what now?"
Him: "I don't know. What do you think?"
Me: *cue disappointed explosion noises in brain*
(Please, on behalf of all girls everywhere, make an intentional plan before starting this conversation)

6. More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

Finally, to You...

To You, the creator and lover of my soul. The One source of steady reassurance and encouragement in my life. The One who's been there through it all. You help me pick up the pieces each time my heart is on the floor. You keep my hope alive, and give me the strength to keep trusting. You prove Your love to me over and over. In all the chaos and confusion, in all my doubts and anxiety, in every moment, the only person I want to be, the only title I want to have is... "Yours."

Being fully known and fully loved by You is the greatest gift I will ever receive. You're so unbelievably good to me. You know exactly what (and possibly who) my future holds. It's all in Your hands.

My prayers for that "who" have not changed, by the way... The prayers I write about here, and in my journals, and in letters. Whoever he is, he is drenched in prayer.

I know he won't be perfect. Neither will I. But we'll struggle together, and work at struggling well. We'll encourage each other towards You, or we'll do our best anyway. He probably won't be anything like I expect, but he'll make me incredibly thankful that it didn't work out with anyone else. We'll make each other laugh, make each other cry, and annoy the heck out of each other in the best ways.


They say that Hindsight is 20/20, and they're right. But even though what's behind me may seem dark and painful, it's nothing in comparison to the light ahead, because the light ahead is You, and You know what's in store for me. Your plans are always good. You are my yesterday. You are my today. And You are my abundance of tomorrows.

I trust You, Abba.



Sincerely "Yours,"

Aly

My Year In Review: 18 Quotes For 2018

In 2017 my resolution was to "Lose Myself In God's Love." God came through on that theme in ways I never would have expected. I experienced ministry burnout, which left me with nothing to cling to but God. I started this year, 2018, with nothing left to give and not a clue who I was meant to be. My new resolution was to "Abide In Him," because that's basically all I had the energy to do. God's been working on me with that one all year and, most of the time, just being honest, I've failed miserably.

If there's one ongoing lesson God's been teaching me this year, it's how very badly I need to work on two very important words...

Be Still.

But that's another blog post for another day.

2018 has been filled with new people, new experiences, and the beautiful process of rediscovering who God created me to be. I spent the first half of the year allowing God to remind me who I am. Then, once I had spent several months rebuilding, the second half of the year included growth through several new, terrifying, challenging, joyful, blessed experiences. At the end of it all, I feel more myself than I ever have. I'm confident that I'm exactly where God wants me, and it's the first time in a long time I've been able to say that. 

I know who I am. 

But I'm still in the process of learning, growing, and seeing where my path leads. I've been praying about what my resolution should be for next year, and I think I've finally landed on the right one. In 2019, I hope to "Rediscover My Purpose."

Before I move forward with that theme, though, I wanted to summarize where I've been, where I am, and where I'm hoping to be in the future. So, without any further rambling and in no particular order, here are 18 quotes that describe my 2018.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

When The Joy Won't Come (Once Upon A Time, I Got Ministry Burnout)

I haven't written on here in a long time...

Here I am.  Up at midnight....crying...again.  Blogging because I'm desperate for a distraction.  Anything to quiet all the very demanding, self-deprecating voices in my head.  You know what set me off?  The crying, I mean?  A pile of dirty laundry.  It's ridiculous, right?  I mean, obviously, from the length of this post, there's more to it than that.  But, basically, I started crying because I took one look around my messy room and felt instantly tired wondering when I would actually have the time to do something about it.

It's amazing how fast life can becoming overwhelming isn't it?  Lately I've been feeling like even breathing takes too much time.  It's hard to get out of bed some days, but I get out of bed anyway.  No matter how much sleep I get I'm always tired, I go to sleep anyway.  I tell my friends I'll schedule a time to hang out, but I can see in their eyes that they're skeptical.  I would be skeptical too. 

I'm directing a play.  A play that has fun moments, but is overall very serious and stressful.  There are too many decisions to make, and I don't feel capable of making them.  I need to figure out... so many things that are way over my head. 

I'm working hard to grow a, quite frankly, very experimental ministry.  Something that, to my knowledge, hasn't really been done before.  I'm terrified.  I'm anxious.  I'm in a rabbit-like state of constantly wanting to dart into the bushes, but knowing I can't.

Honestly, most days I feel trapped.

Sometimes it's hard to even get three straight meals in a single day, not without at least one of them being a granola bar grabbed last minute from the snack drawer. 

My mind is never at rest.  If I'm not working on a project, I'm thinking about the next five projects down the line.  I'm strategizing, worrying, and dreaming all at once.  I have trouble sleeping most nights.  Hence, why I'm writing in my chair right now instead of laying in my nice, warm bed. 

I went to Easter service this morning.  I sang in the choir.  It was beautiful, and fun, and I loved every minute of worshiping my Savior with my incredible church family.  But, if I'm honest, even at rehearsal I was fighting the urge to think through the lists of tasks I need to handle.

People say they want to help.  I have a hard time believing them.  I think people are under the impression that what I do is a "Fun Job."  Those people would be incorrect.  Sure, it has its fun moments.  But most of the time it's just hard.  Really, really hard.  Some days even impossibly so.  So when I show them a list of actual work related tasks I need to complete, most of the time they're surprised.  Where's all the fun stuff they assumed my work to be? 

Sometimes even the parents and "more experienced" adults fall to the assumption that my job is simple.  Assuming that I know what the heck I'm doing.  That I'm fine, and not just pretending to get by.  That I'm not actually freaking out on the inside on a daily basis.

My job is getting a phone call at 1am while I'm on vacation with my family because a teenager I just met a few days earlier is missing and on suicide watch. 

My job is staying on the phone with my TAG family in prayer until they find that teenager two hours later, at 3am.

My job is coordinating a gazillion schedules for busy families, and trying to find times they can meet so that their calendars aren't weighed down, even if mine is.

My job is struggling to step forward because I'm a twenty-something who's still figuring out who God created me to be, and yet having to constantly send apology emails because I'm supposed to have everything figured out by now.

My job is making it up as I go, and relying on God in every moment because I am nothing on my own. 

My job is typing, and filing, and sorting, and often quite boring.

My job is months of constant spiritual battle for just a couple hours of rest during showtime, before the cycle starts all over again.

My job is identifying what's at the core of a teenager's pain, instead of focusing on the symptoms, so that they can find healing. 

My job is allowing my actors to take a mental health day and skip rehearsal whenever they need to, even if I don't have that same luxury.

My job is frightening.  My job is a war zone.  My job is exhausting.  My job makes me want to give up most days.

But I wouldn't trade the last six years for the world...

If you would have asked me what I wanted to do with my life six years ago, it wouldn't have been this.  Youth Skit Group Therapy Director would not have even been on the list.  In fact, I wouldn't have even known what that was!  It wasn't on my radar at all that I would direct my first full length musical at 19.  I didn't have a wish list that said I wanted to go through ministry burnout before age 30.  It just wasn't in the plan.

And yet... despite all of this struggle and darkness, I can still trust that the plan I'm in is a GOOD plan.  It's a GOOD plan because it's GOD'S plan.  I may have doubted that I'm where I want to be, but I've never once doubted that I'm where God wants me to be.

This might sound super strange, but there's a specific TV show my sister and I love watching together that I've pulled a lot of lessons from recently.  It might surprise you, but the show is called Once Upon A Time. 

*****SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT SEASON 5 SPOILERS******

Once Upon A Time is a creative retelling of favorite fairytales, new and old, in a modern setting.  In the first season, the Evil Queen has created a small town in Maine called Storybrooke.  She wipes the memories of all the fairytale characters and places them in this town in our world, where she is the mayor.  Several years later, along comes Emma Swan, who is brought to this hidden town by a young boy claiming to be her son.  His name is Henry, and he tries to convince Swan that she is the long lost daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, who sent her to the real world as a baby before the curse fell so that she could one day rescue the happy endings of all the characters. 

I actually admire this show a lot for their display of consequences and moral compasses.  Whenever a character makes a bad choice, it truly does have defined consequences.  There are also strong elements of grace and forgiveness, as well as redemption for previous wrongs.  Villains turning over new leaves is a common theme, for instance.  And the storytelling in itself is rather brilliant.  How they keep track of all those characters, I will never know!

To be honest, Emma Swan is the character that I relate to most.  Maybe more than I would like.  Just like Emma, I'm constantly afraid of hurting people, so I'm not good at developing a close relationship with anyone.  I allow others to rely on me too much, while at the same time not allowing myself to rely on anyone at all.  It's safer that way.  Less chance that I'll burden them, and I won't get betrayed if I don't trust anyone.

I relate to Emma because, like her, there's a vast calling on my life, and I'm still deciding if I want it or not.  Not because I'm opposed to the idea itself, but because I'm usually convinced someone other than me could do a better job.  I don't see myself as a hero.  Most days I see myself as the accidental villain.  All the good intentions, but none of the good outcome.  Too many mistakes.  I stumble.  I strive too hard to flip the situation.  It ends badly.  I'm often more pessimistic than I would like to be, especially with myself.  But when it comes to my job, I'm not a quitter.  I don't generally handle complements well.  Love and adoration often make me uncomfortable, even if I don't want them to.  I'm awkward in surface conversations.

There's the fact that I always feel like it's up to me to fix everyone's problems on my own.  And even though I know I don't actually have to, I find myself feeling like I need to try anyway, which usually ends in disaster.  But I don't like watching my friends and family suffer.  I much too often allow my fear of the future delay me from moving forward.

And, most recently, a lot of times it feels like there's a dark being in my head trying very hard to discourage me. 

I'm just gonna face the facts.  I often try to play Belle when I'm in public, just so I don't get pelted with questions.  Positive, joyful, carefree.  The last thing an introvert likes is hearing "are you ok?" over and over again throughout the day.  But on the inside I'm viewing things with a very Emma point of view.  Tired of being hurt, wishing I could trust more openly, never quite knowing what my next step should be.

Recently a specific quote from the show really hit me.  It was stated by King Arthur, who actually (go figure) ended up being a total jerk.  But even so, he got this quote right on the nose.  I can't find the exact quote anywhere, but it was something like this...

Arthur told David (aka, Prince Charming), "It's alright that we didn't complete what we quested to do.  Did you know that quest is another word for seek, David?  So, in actuality, the seeking is more important than the finding.  For the seeking is where you grow."

This conversation hit me so deeply as we were watching the episode, along with the newfound voices in Emma's head that were constantly telling her she couldn't do anything right.  That she was incapable.  Her usually brave and bold personality getting smaller and smaller as this season goes on, and it's exactly how I've been feeling.  Smaller and smaller.

*****END OF SPOILERS******

This is the state of my being lately.

It's not pretty.  It's not colorful or vibrant.  I'm constantly exhausted.  I'm finding it hard to be interested in things that usually excite me.  But it's my current reality.

I want to end this post with a happiness and a hope.  But right now everything is so difficult.  It feels like the simplest things are ten times harder than they normally are for me to complete.  And steal ten times the energy.  I'm usually the optimistic one, but it's just not happening for me right now.  It will eventually, but it's going to take some time.  I haven't had a break from youth ministry in six years, and burnout is definitely taking its toll. 

I haven't talked about my ministry burnout until now because I haven't wanted anyone to treat me differently.  I still want my teens to feel they can come to me.  I still want to move forward in God's goodness and grace.  I still want to grow and learn as I trust Him more.

Honestly, the purpose of this post is just mostly to inform you of what's going on with me lately.  Why I might seem a little different.  Why I might not blog as much for a little while.  And also to ask you to pray for me. 

Would you pray for me?  It would mean the world to me. 

Again, I'm sorry for the downtrodden nature of this post.  I can't wait to get some of my energy back so I can post happy, fun, joyful things once again!  It'll happen.  I know it will!  God has a purpose for me, and it will not fail.  I have every confidence of this.  All I know is that God never said life would be easy.  He just said it would be possible.  And possible is all I need.

It's almost 3am as I'm finishing this post.  I think my brain is finally emptied of thoughts enough to get some sleep.  I should blog more regularly again, because this always seems to help my mood when I'm walking through less-than-ideal circumstances.  Thank you, Jesus, for the written word and the beautiful role it's played in my life!

Father, hear my plea... See me.  Wash over me.  Hold me up, my Savior.

No matter what happens, even so, I will dare to believe in you and your good plan for me!

Amen.

"Losing Myself" On A Sunday Afternoon

This post was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to edit it until now.  God has been opening my eyes to some of his plans for me recently, and it has absolutely taken my breath away.  After months and years of questions, I'm beginning to see just how he was working all along, and how I should have just patiently trusted...  Hopefully my lessons will save you the trouble.

***

I'm in awe of you.

Even when I'm busy following my own plan, searching for what I think should be happening in my life, you're still at work.  You show me your loving kindness and mercy by continuing your good plan for me even when I'm attempting to walk on my own.  What a laughable thought.

Why do I do this?  I move ahead of you before the time is right.  I struggle, I moan and complain, I ask you why, and I'm not willing to wait.

Impatience... Not just a bad choice, it's a sin.  I've been too eager, not willing to wait on your plan.

Even still, you finally reveal your plan, and it's so easy.  You were working the whole time, and I didn't even notice.  A plan that only you could have orchestrated, at work when I was too distracted trying to bring things about in my own way.  And yet, even when I was ignoring you, you brought about the answer.

Lord, I'm so ashamed of how little faith I have in you... I long to trust you so desperately, and yet I make plans outside of you.

Transform me, Father.  Change me from the inside out and teach me to be patient.  You are the only one I want dictating my future.  No one else.  Not my own thoughts, not my friends or family, not the world and what society considers "normal."

Only you.

Refine me, Abba, in the fires of your holy forge.  Mold me into a weapon of your choosing, created with purpose and ready for whatever battlefield awaits me.  Design me with your eternal kingdom in mind, so that I might have the chance to serve some small role in your kingdom.  My life in your capable hands; the only one who can take a pointless piece of metal and turn it into a valued form with a specified purpose.  Whether it be a sword, charging forward into the unknown.  An arrow, pointing the way.  A dagger, for up close, in-the-thick-of-it warfare.  A chest plate, shielding hearts from darkness.  A helmet, protecting minds from the devil's schemes.

Whatever is needed most, you choose.  I will wait with great anticipation to discover what you create.  I will be patient, content with the fact that, no matter my specific title, I am already the dear beloved of God.

Today my shirt says "I am yours and you are faithful."  I've been harboring so much bitterness, Jesus.  Anger toward those who have left me behind.  I've been prideful, and filled with hate.  I've convinced myself that my feelings are justified.

No...

Everyone who's not in my life anymore was removed for a reason.  My judgements toward them are only a demonstration of my imperfect heart, not theirs.  You not only saw every moment, you walked it with me.  You orchestrated each friendship's beginning and end, working each one for my good.  My bitterness toward those people and situations after all this time is keeping me from completely experiencing the fullness of your love.  Each day of confusion and tears was written in your book, along with exactly how you would work each minute into the goodness of your plan for me.  You've always known who you want me to become, even before I was a thought in anyone's mind.  Every moment, whether joy or pain, was designed with a positive purpose; to get me there.  Each step has deepened my relationship with you in a way that nothing else could have.  You pursue me with tireless passion and determination.  You don't just tolerate my existence, but genuinely adore me with perfect, unconditional love that no one else can offer.  A love that my sinful heart can never truly comprehend or repay.

A gift greater than anyone could possibly surpass.

The real trouble is I've spent so much of my life trying to find myself.  What does that even mean, "finding myself?"  I've already been found.  The creator of the stars knows me better than even I do, and yet I'm worried about finding myself?

All this time I've wasted, and I've only just realized that my time would have been better spent losing myself.  Losing myself in you.

I keep wandering aimlessly, feeling sorry for myself as though I'm such a lost cause.  If only I would open my soul and start listening to you before reaching sorry desperation, I would hear a very different message than the one I usually give myself.  I shouldn't be finding myself...  Because only by losing myself do I find more of you.

My only function, the one thing I was created for, is to live life solely to bring you glory.  I'm meant to breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry, speak, and love in such a way that anyone could look at me and see you instead.

No matter what the world says.  No matter how many times I lose direction and focus, and attempt to find my way back on my own.  No matter how hard I am on myself, and how many times I question the way you created me.  To you I am always enough.

All my flaws, all my gifts, everything that makes me who I am, just as I am... It's enough for you.

I can just be.

This New Year I had some trouble.  I couldn't figure out a good resolution.  Not because I couldn't think of anything to improve.  Not at all.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I have way too much to improve.  So, how do you pick just one thing to work on about yourself?  The last two years I've chosen more general life goals.  It started in 2015 with the resolution to "live bravely."  In 2016 it was to "be joyful" in every circumstance, which was surprisingly more difficult than the live bravely challenge. 

And now I think I just found my newest resolution.

In 2017 I'm going to strive to "lose myself" in God's love.  I've spent too much time looking for love in other places.  Created too many failures attempting to find myself without my Savior.

It's a lot like driving. 

You know when you pull up to a stop light, and you're anticipating the moment when that light turns green?  What do you look at in the moments before you get the go signal?  Are you the person who looks at the red light and waits patiently for it to turn green?  Or do you look at the light that's currently green to see when it turns red?  I caught myself doing the second thing one day, and God called me on it in a big way.  In fact, I haven't been able to get that lesson out of my head ever since. 

"What are you doing looking at someone else's greenlight, when you should be patiently watching me to give you a greenlight of your own?"

Ouch.

My loving Father, I don't want to do that anymore.  It's time to get lost in the beauty of all you are.  I want my breath to be stolen away by the glory of your presence.  I don't want to push you away anymore.  You've chased after me my entire life.  Even after I gave my life to you, you still didn't stop pursuing me.  You are pure, untainted love, and I fall more in love with you everyday. 

Truthfully, I'm a mess.  I'm envious, judgmental, insecure, broken, selfish, controlling, and constantly aware of my every fault.  I'm a disaster.  I'm trying.  I'm constantly failing.  But somehow, that's not what you see.  I will never live up to all the expectations I have for myself.  But somehow that doesn't matter.

Because, despite all of that, you love me anyway.  And I will never thank you enough.

The Truth About Singleness

I found the first chunk of this post in my drafts.  Apparently I wrote this about two months ago, and I thought it could be relatable, so I finished it and decided to finally release it.  These are some of my thoughts on how our generation treats singles.  Hopefully the confusion displayed in this writing isn't something I'm experiencing alone.  I would love to hear your thoughts on it once you finish reading. 

***

There's just something about a Friday night... The weekend is right around the corner.  Everyone is excited to have free time.  People are making plans.  Some girl somewhere is sprucing up for a date, and her beau is somewhere else doing the same thing. 

I'm at home.  I got home from work, and put on some sweats with comfy socks (in Ravenclaw colors, of course).  I threw my hair up in a messy bun, that actually turned out beautifully for once.  And now I'm blogging.

I'll admit...life gets a little lonely sometimes.

Now, I don't feel like this all the time.  Most days I truly love where I'm at.  I get to do what I'm passionate about, leading theatre productions and helping teens discover just how fearfully and wonderfully made they really are.  It's a breathtakingly beautiful adventure to be a part of, and I can't imagine doing anything else!  I'm not in college, so I have time to write, which I adore doing.  And I'm so blessed to have a job that I can get excited about, where coffee is always welcome, and with people who feel more like family everyday. 

Truly, from every angle, I have a lovely, lovely life.

But...every once in awhile...a little stream of doubt creeps into my heart.

You know how it is.  You hit a certain age and suddenly all your friends are either dating or engaged.  It especially hits when these people are younger than you. 

I know, I know, I should be happy for them.  And I am!  I always get excited when news like that arrives, really!  But, if I'm honest, at the same time I can feel satan moving quickly to use their joy against me.

Lately I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts.  I've been told that's normal in my stage of life.  But, somehow, I feel like my situation is a little different.  I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are single for a while and start to wonder "is there anyone in God's plan for me, or am I meant to be single forever?"  To be totally truthful, I ask myself that question a lot.

However, for me there are more questions to add on to that...

"Is there anyone who will see me as a girl with standards, and not a girl who's totally stuck up?"

"If a female is in a ministry leadership position, is it even a good idea for her to get married?"

"Am I crazy for hoping that someday I'll meet a guy who shares my morals and passions, who will mesh well with me personality wise, and will also be willing to take on a theatre troupe of 40+ teens and preteens?"

That last one though...  This is my dilemma. 

Honestly, not even talking on a marriage level here.  Even just dating me.  What kind of guy would agree to that deal?  He would not only have to put up with me and all my baggage, but he would have to win over my non-biological family that I spend practically all my time with.  Not "win them over" for approval reasons, but because any guy I date is going to automatically be in a position of speculation. 

I guess, looking at it in a different light, that's a huge blessing.  Knowing a large group of young people are looking to me to set a healthy example for them has probably kept me from getting into quite a few stupid relationships.  Wow. 

Now that I truly think about that, I should really thank them.

But at the same time, all these questions seem to swirl faster and faster in my mind with each passing day. I know what I'm looking for. I want a ministry partner, not just a husband, and I've come to realize just how tall of an order that really is.

I mean... I'm not putting God in a box by any means. I continue to pray that, if this particular guy is out there, the Holy Spirit would be preparing his heart for this journey even now. I just wish I knew whether I'm meant to be in a time of waiting... Or a time of accepting that maybe I'm just supposed to live single. There's nothing wrong with either option. God has different plans for everyone, and every one of them is good.

But wouldn't knowing make it easier? I wouldn't have to wonder if, maybe, I'm just waiting around for someone who's never going to come.  If we could just find out whether or not God wants something for us, we would be saved so much time! Not as many lessons in that, I suppose.... but still.

Obviously, I'm not God. I don't know what He has planned for me. But some days I really wish I did...

I guess this all boils down to my greatest weakness... Patience.

I don't like waiting.  The longer I wait, the more I worry.  The more I worry, the more likely it is that I'll sign up for extra projects just to distract myself .  The more projects I take on, the more stressed I get.  It's a cruel, cruel cycle.  And then there's the doubt again.

You know what I'm talking about.  That sinking feeling you get when you've listened to advice from too many people.

"Put yourself out there more.  Don't be so picky that you make it impossible for anyone to ask you out."

"But don't settle either.  You deserve the best of the best, and anything else would be settling."

"Don't expect perfection, because perfection doesn't exist.  We're all human, and you have faults too, so give a little grace."

"Don't accept too many flaws, though.  You don't want to chance ending up with someone who's less than God's best for you."

Does anyone else see how that could be confusing?  And it's not like I hear these things every once in a while.  It's constant.  However, what they don't tell me is where do I draw the line?  What qualifies as good enough without being perfect?  What is the acceptable amount of flaws when it comes to God's best?  Is there an exact science?  A precise ratio where 3 parts perfect and 1 part imperfect magically creates husband material, universally acceptable to society?

The amount of opinions people think they're welcome to give when you're a young, single person tend to escalate the longer you're not in a relationship, and it damages your soul very quickly.  Whether you want it to or not, it already bothers you.  Any public discussion on the matter just turns dreams for a future time into a pit of desperate searching.  It causes you to rush into hasty decisions and relationships you wouldn't have made otherwise, just to get people to stop treating you like "that poor lonely single."

I mean, I googled the word "single", and the first results to pop up were ads for dating sites, like it's a problem to be fixed.  If that doesn't tell you how our world views relationships, I don't know what will. 

All I know is that there is NOTHING wrong with us!  Singleness is not a disease.  It's not a horrifying problem to be solved.  It just means that God knows you can work better as a unit on your own right now.  Maybe someday you'll reach a point where working as a unit with someone else will make more sense.  If that happens, great!  But a relationship should be nothing more than the union of two people who feel they can serve God more effectively together than they can separately.  That's the difference.  It's love with a purpose, not love just for the sake of avoiding judgment and loneliness.  True love should run toward something, not away from something else.

The bottom line is, no matter what the world has to say, I'm just where God wants me right now.  If he wants to change that, he will send me the right guy, at the right time, with the right amount of flaws and perfections to perfectly complement my own.  Someone who will crave a life of ministry, and desire to free this generation in Jesus' name as much as I do.  No outside help needed.  Someone who will pursue my heart with intention, instead of waiting for me to make the first move.  Someone I won't have to lead for once, but who will also appreciate the sense of leadership that God has placed inside me.

Maybe I've met him, maybe I haven't.  Maybe he lives here, maybe somewhere else.  Maybe he doesn't exist, and I'm meant to live like Sherlock, "married to my work."  Whatever ends up happening, I'll be fine.  God has a plan, and that plan is good, with or without a spouse attached.  With or without the approval of those around me.

The point is, if love, in the romantic sense of the word, is something God wants for me, I'll know it when it happens.

As written by L.M. Montgomery...

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."

8 Things They Don't Tell You About Working In Youth Ministry

I've been working in youth ministry for a little over five years now.  Since I was a youth myself, actually.  Initially I thought that it wouldn't change my life that much.  I was just starting an acting group for young adults.  I thought that my calling was simply to give teens a place to be themselves.  A place where they could find friendships, build confidence, and grow in a safe environment.  What I didn't realize is that I myself would also find all of those things in the process, and it would totally flip my world upside down.  I've changed more over the past five years than I could ever put into words.  And here are just some of the ways your life might change too if you decide to embark on the journey of youth ministry...

1. Your shopping trips get a whole lot weirder.

Just wait until the day you roll up to the checkout counter with a cart full of Oreos, pool noodles, a pillow, hedge trimmers, googly eyes, hula hoops, 12 liters of soda, clearance Christmas lights, and a pack of diapers, and try to explain it to the cashier.  This is just an example, but believe me when I say that this is totally realistic.  That's not even the craziest part.  The craziest part is that all of those things could be for just ONE GAME.  But that's just how your brain will start to work when it comes to youth night entertainment.


2. Unexpected vocabulary words.

You'll suddenly find yourself using words and phrases on a daily basis that you had barely even used once beforehand.  Some that have appeared on my daily use list are...

- suicide
- self-harm or cutting
- divorce
- depression
- anxiety
- pornography

...and so much more.  These words will spin through your head everyday.  But for the first time in your life there will be a face, maybe multiple faces, to match each one.  This will very quickly begin pulling on your heart strings, messing with your soul, and having you crying out to God more often than you ever thought you would.


3. You'll notice things.

You'll suddenly find yourself praying for that random guy in the grocery story because you saw him tugging at his long sleeves even though it's warm outside.  Instead of seeing her laughter, for that one particular girl you'll take a mental note of the sadness behind her eyes.  You'll read far more than just expressions, and hear more than just words.  This sixth sense will become more attuned with time, telling you when anyone in the vicinity is struggling.


4. Your joy will come from very abnormal places.

A young girl just told you her parents are separating, and you feel like leaping inside because she's finally comfortable enough with you to talk about her struggles.  You freak out because you know it's one more step toward healing for her.  You'll get excited over that one kid wearing a short-sleeved shirt in public, because you know he's been cutting lately and this is a sign of trust.  You'll celebrate over ripped up sheets of paper, because you know they were suicide notes that will never be read.  You'll look at your empty wallet and smile, because that money was spent going out to coffee with a teen whose life is falling apart, and it was the first time you'd seen them laugh in ages.  You'll find out that one of your students just started counseling because they want to quit their porn addiction, and you'll feel like maybe God really can move mountains.  Suddenly, the word 'joy' takes on a whole new meaning.  It's like little samples of Heaven right here on earth.


5. Miracles become the norm.

If I tried to tell you every single miracle I've seen in the last five years, we would be here for a very long time.  I could write a novel and still not cover it all.  Praying for cash we needed for a performance... we find $20 in an empty parking lot.  About a month later, more expenses for the same performance, my dad and brother watch in awe as a $50 floats down the street and comes to a gentle landing right where their vehicle is parked.  Satan once tried to destroy a show by causing one of our actors to get into a car accident in the parking lot of our venue only ONE HOUR before people were supposed to start arriving.  The car was totaled, but the actor came out of it with barely a scratch.  In fact, that particular actor even ended up performing that night.  At that same show we thought we had enough food to feed maybe 100 people, so when over 300 showed up we were positive we'd run out of supplies.  Every time we thought we'd pulled the last pie from the kitchen, a new one would be found somewhere else.  We left that day with food to spare!  An actual loaves and fish situation right before our eyes, and the audience had no clue.  One time I was praying about whether or not I should get a second job to help pay for TAG expenses.  Only a couple days later someone randomly walked up to my mom at church and handed her a hundred dollar bill, saying "It's for TAG."  There are plenty more stories I could tell, but that's another blog post for another day.  Just know that God will not leave you hanging.  If he wants something to happen, nothing is going to stop Him.


6. Not acting your age isn't such a bad thing.

I've always loved wearing character tees.  Shirts with Disney cartoons, superheroes, and other classics are usually my go-to when it comes to expressing myself.  I just love it!  Thanks to youth ministry, buying "adult clothes" isn't as necessary.  Now, when I start to feel guilt over buying yet another Captain America t-shirt, I get to rationalize by saying it's an easy way to relate to the teens and help them feel comfortable.  Plus, I'm a theatre director.  Adulting is more of a hindrance than a help in my line of work anyway.  Just sayin... ;)


7. If you don't know your opinion on something, you will.

Believe me, if you're looking for a fast way to find out how you feel about something, become a counselor.  The more I give out advice, the more I learn about myself and my stance in this world.  Sometimes I have to do research on a topic teens come to me asking questions about, and it's usually because they told me about a problem I didn't even know existed in the first place.  I can now say that I know what God's word says on these topics, and I know where I stand.


 8. Brokenness is not only ok, it's welcomed with open arms.

Or, it should be.  Unfortunately, the youth group at my church didn't feel this way for me.  That wasn't necessarily the fault of the leaders, but the fault of the specific teens who attended.  There were a lot of stereotypical "popular kids" that went to my youth group, and the few friends who stuck with me didn't feel comfortable there at all.  It's not a good place to be when you're hiding from bullies in the house of God.  I went to the same church most of my life, and yet every week when I arrived at youth group a leader would see me sitting alone, approach me, and ask if I was new.  Then I had the embarrassing task of telling them I had been going to church there for 8+ years, and was only sitting by myself because the one friend I had wasn't there that night.  Girls like me just didn't fit.  Not all youth groups are like this, mind you.  I actually ended up switching to a much smaller youth group at a different church for the last two years of high school, and it was lovely!  I made some incredible friendships.  But after that change of scenery, I made it my goal to make sure that my ministry never felt like a charity case for misfits.  No halting at surface level conversations.  Every time I walk into that room every week and see all the young adults with differing stories and life situations, I'm in awe.  Different churches, different schools, different lives.  Whether they're socially awkward, a little bit arrogant, or somewhere in between.  I see ADD, ADHD, PTSD, and a variety of other acronyms.  But what do we all have in common?  We all love Jesus, we've all felt lonely, and we don't want others to feel the same way.  Simple as that.  Simply, honestly, wonderfully beautiful.  And it's all evidence that God's planning is way better than mine could ever be.  I call it the "No TAGer left behind" policy.


When you decide to get involved in youth ministry, your life will be turned upside down.  You'll find yourself getting hit with wave after wave of trials, because satan doesn't like loyal servants of the King.  In fact, he despises us.  He's made it his goal to take us out one by one, and it's extremely personal.  But each new experience with darkness will just help your light glow stronger.  Never let your fire go out, my brothers and sisters.  Keep shining on!  Light your lamps with the refreshing oil of God's Holy Word, and allow faith to be your foundation.  I can't promise you it will be easy, but after five years of absolute crazy I can definitely tell you that it's worth it.

Keep pressing on.  Trust me.  If God has something up his sleeve, it's something you're gonna want to be a part of.

Most importantly, never stop believing that you're here for a purpose.  Once you believe that about yourself, it will be infinitely easier to believe it about your teens.  And please believe me when I say that's a message they desperately need to hear right now.  When you get involved with youth ministry, you're helping the next generation make the world a better place.  Don't stop.  I promise, you won't regret it.

The Weight of the World

(Warning, there's a lot of reality below)

I'm not sure why I'm blogging today, or what I'll even write about...

Lately I can't help feeling like my home is falling apart.  I'm falling apart with it.  I keep reading quote after quote about trusting God, and I desperately want to.  But with each passing day I find that my faith isn't as strong as I wanted it to be.  Reading my Bible gets harder and harder.  I'm journaling more and more.  I'm annoyed with sunshine, and only seem to find comfort when it's raining, like today.  On the upside, my prayer life has never been so active.  Although most of it is just me asking why things aren't changing.

Songs like "Silhouette" by Owl City have become my go-to music of choice.  I know everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, but that reason is clouded in many shadows.  I know the more depressed and upset I allow myself to get, the more satan gets the upper hand.  But I don't know how to change it.  I'm in the center of a tornado.  I myself am doing alright, but everything around me is chaos.  And all I can think to do is write, sleep, and whisper to God for comfort, not necessarily in that order.

I know that this is all happening because my family is heavily involved in ministry.  As soon as we started this new project, I knew we were all in for (to replace a more accurate word that I would rather not use) one heck of a trip.  I just had no clue how bad it would actually get.  All around me walls are falling to the ground; walls that have taken lifetimes to build.  It's shattering me.

What's worse is everyone else involved in this project is experiencing the same thing.  Everyday I find out about another life that's falling to pieces.  Another world that shifting on it's axis, causing earthquakes all around.  Another change that's just too much to take.

We're worn.  We're damaged.  We're barely walking.

And yet God is relying on us to bear the weight of this story?  This stream of events and problems that are way beyond our understanding?  Or... at least they used to be.

Wow...

Maybe that's it.  In this film, this movie we're destroying ourselves to create, we cover a multitude of teenage problems.  Anxiety, depression, divorcing parents, self-harm, suicide, bullying, death and loss, addiction, pornography, and more.

Every single one of these topics has been experienced by our cast and crew over the past two months.  These are the very topics that are tearing us to shreds.  The tools and temptations that the devil has been using to turn our souls.  And here we are.

Talk about accurate portrayal.

We relate to these characters more than we realize, I think.  In this process, these characters have been our traveling companions.  And these characters will end up discovering what we have just been learning ourselves...

We cannot rely on ourselves to heal.

We can't even rely on each other.

The only One we can rely on to remove our tinted goggles, and reveal the true view of grace and love beyond, is the only One who's capable of doing it in the first place.

God.

In the past we've had other awful roads in order to reach positive results.  Some of the greatest points of impact this group has ever made were the projects that we "just wanted to get through."  Why would God allow this movie to be any different?  If the journey didn't carry so much pain, would we come out as close as our cast and crew have become?  Isn't it worth it when God is a god who can give our struggles purpose?

And maybe, just maybe, when people leave the theater after seeing this film, they'll come up to us and say we made a difference.  And if that happens maybe we'll be able to say, with tears of joy and humble hearts, that nothing in that film was of our own ability.  We'll listen to their stories of pain and brokenness, and actually be able to relate.  We'll introduce them to the real director of this film, and weep together as they get to know who Jesus is.  And maybe, for those who open up to us, they'll find that their night at the movies turned out to feel a lot more like church.  And maybe they'll walk to their cars with a weightlessness they've never experienced before.

And maybe, because of our struggles, they'll leave the theater that day bound for Heaven.

Isn't that why we're in this world in the first place?

Or have I forgotten that life isn't about me...

Maybe those walls that have been falling all around me are coming to ruin so that God can plant a garden in its place...


Father, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  When will I ever learn that Your plan is so much bigger than me?  When will I stop pretending that my very small knowledge, my three feet of spiritually nearsighted vision, is all that there is?  If You're an ocean, I'm a single drop of rain.  If You're the sky and the stars, I'm a feeble paper kite, trying my best to reach you but failing all the time.  If You're soaked into the depths of the earth, I am a blade of grass growing in your love, here today and gone tomorrow.  If You make up everything, I'm nothing at all.

But that's why you sent your Son to die on the cross.  I don't have to be nothing anymore.  You gave up Your everything so I could have a chance to be a little bit of something.

Knowing that, how could I possibly look at life with anything but wonder and awe?

You see my brokenness.  You see me when I'm invisible.  You always have.  You tell me it's ok to feel the way I do, but that I shouldn't worry.  You will never leave me or forsake me.

And the same goes for everyone else.

Omnipresent, eternally loving, unconditionally forgiving, Giver of life and light, Abba, Friend, Lover of my soul.  I have no reason to be afraid when you walk beside me.  So why do I tremble?

This film has been personally commissioned by the Creator of the universe.  Lord, You hold each scene, each crew and cast member, each individual moment in the palm of Your hand.  You have seen the end result.

You have already won.

I'm so done with being kicked while I'm down.  We're already bruised, bloodied, and struggling to get our lungs to inflate.  Then the devil hits us with another wave.  But it will not last.  The floodwaters will subside as soon as we've been strengthened enough to stand.  This is the cocoon; the refining fire that will brush away the ashes and leave us new creation.

You have a plan.  At the end of this we will be one step closer to who You are, and all the struggles will make sense.  All I ask is that, until then, you hold my hand.  Lead me in the way you want me to go.  I need a map, Lord.  Right now I'm turning every which way, but nothing looks familiar.  Show me where to walk, and I will.

Better yet, show all of us so that we can walk together.  Unified.  One team with one purpose, glorifying the One who gives us breath and revives us every morning.  That is our cause.

The prince of evil has no power.  His demons will not prevail.  YOU alone, Jesus, have victory!  And this time will be no different.  There's an entire book of stories proving it's true.  Every word of the Bible shows us the miraculous power of your mercy.

Keep opening our eyes to the truth.

The Real Rebels

Rebel - noun

A person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or ruler.

Rebellion - noun

The act or process of resisting authority, control, or convention.

Out of all the words in the English language, this one has really been bothering me lately.  I've heard it spoken through different circles...

"It's just the teenage rebellion talking."

"They're in a rebel phase."

"I know they're only doing it for the sake of rebellion."

And it's NEVER in a positive context.  To the people of this world, the word "rebel" almost always belongs next to words like criminal, delinquent, trouble-maker, and more.  We might think of druggies, partiers, thieves...anyone who chooses to live life on the wild and crazy (and sometimes less than legal) side.  They rise up in bold opposition against the status quo.  Whether that's simply through unique hair colors, multitudes of piercings in strange places, tattoos of every shape and kind, or through the more extreme channels, they will find a way to get the word out that they are their own, and they will not be ignored.  Did I hit enough stereotypes?  I tried to nail as many as I could, so how'd I do?  I hope I did well, because I'm about to flip those stereotypes on their heads.

How many times, when you hear the word "rebel," have you thought of the word "Christian?"

Just think about it though.  Of all the above things I mentioned, how many of them have become normalized in our society?  Drugs are being legalized in certain areas of the world.  Alcohol is becoming an adulthood right of passage in families, and underage drinking is just something you do, even supported by some parents.  Stealing happens every single day.  Doing the "wild" thing just means your enjoying your "freedom."  Piercings, tattoos, and crazy hair colors used to be the rebel trademark, but now they're not even that weird.  It's just a style choice.  We've even come to the point where pre-marital physicality is a "necessary step" in finding out if a relationship works (which is a total and utter lie, by the way).

All of these things that people, young or not, are doing just to prove that they don't fit the mold.  That they're different, and aren't held down by the rules and expectations of how things should be.  To all of these people, I have a very important question.

If it's normal, and everyone is doing it, than how is it rebellious?

I'm not, by any means, saying that I support these situations.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  But honestly, if everyone is taking part in a sinful act, it shouldn't be something you do to boost your "rebel pride".

News flash: By living in the dark and opposing the rules, we are actually doing exactly what society expects of us.  We're not rebels, we're just 2nd rate followers caving to peer pressure.

Breaking the rules is not a new idea.  In fact, people have been breaking the rules for a very long time.  This shouldn't be surprising to any of us.  So then why do we act as though breaking the rules is such a new, genius idea that we just came up with?  

And then we get hit with consequences and we get mad.  Why?  History repeats itself, why weren't we expecting this?

Back on topic though...

If you consider all that I've just said, who are the real rebels?  Most of the rebels that society has labeled are clearly fakes, so who does the title truly belong to?

The real rebels think outside of the box that our culture has laid out for them.  They can't be tamed.  They are unstoppable.  Their authority doesn't come from the government, or the leaders of the world.  They're mold breakers, big dreamers, and the keepers of the only true freedom that exists.  They don't care what the world thinks, nor do they listen to what is said about them.  They walk the narrow path, where very few have gone before them.  Their sort of rebellion often leads to standing alone, but even just one of these rebels on their own is more dangerous than a million of the other, and they have been considered dangerous since the beginning of time.  They're the most unique people you will ever meet, and they often go to great lengths to fight for their cause.  Some have been tortured and killed for their crimes.  Yet they have more joy than most people could ever comprehend.  In fact, these criminals are often the nicest people you'll meet.  They come armed and ready to defend, but not with a gun or a blade.  The armor of these rebels looks very different.

'For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.'  Ephesians 6:12

'But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;'  Matthew 5:44

'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.'  Colossians 3:23

Kindness is unique.  Working with heart is rare.  Genuine compassion is dying out.  Choosing life and faith is different.  Responding to hate with love is radical.  Living with joy is becoming unheard of.  And following Jesus with complete abandon?

That's what identifies the Real Rebels...

And that's why I'm striving to be one of them.

Our rebellion is not against man, but against the spiritual forces that tempt and convince man to make dark decisions.  And, even more so, the spiritual forces that spread unending lies, convincing man that dark decisions are actually leading them to the light.  Even though these forces are everywhere, they walk unknown to all but a few.  They are dangerous, and yet are easily accepted on a widespread, global level because of the false freedom they present.

Only those who have rebelled, who have turned from the societal norm of darkness and personally tasted the light, know that these forces exist.  Only these rebels have experienced true freedom, and all the life it brings to each day.  These rebels bow down, not to the world and it's many masters, but to the only true royalty that exists.

One man.  Fully human, fully God.  The original rebel of our kind.  He was hated by authorities.  Despised by religious leaders.  Unlike other "criminals", he was peaceful.  Yet the government leaders arrested him, beat him, and put him to death.  Jesus, killed for his cause.  But even after his heart stopped beating, he continued to resist what was considered normal...

Because, after three days, our leader even rebelled against death.

After this, his followers could not be stopped.  Threatened, they stood even taller.  Tortured, their faith grew bolder.  In prison they still could not be silenced.  And over 2,000 years later, this rebellion still grows.

Most consider freedom the right to indulge, to gain, to go forth without consequence.

We consider freedom the right to abstain, to serve, to remain in the beauty of an ever-growing soul of conviction and kindness.

Most of us do not look like rebels.  We are the quiet observers.  The gentle listeners.  The sacrificial servants.  But inside we are lions.  We are hurricanes, and wildfires that cannot be tamed.  All of us have been broken before, and it's the glory of pure, untainted grace that pushes us forward.  Love is our battle cry, and faith is the ground on which we stand.

We know what it feels like to run, and we will not run any longer, for our God has granted us the strength to stand.  We each have a calling; something that breaks our hearts.  This call guides our steps.  Often we don't even know where we're being lead, but we walk just the same because we know that the only true freedom comes when we deny the world and follow the sound of our leaders voice.  Even when he is silent, we follow still.

We follow because we've seen miracles.  Mountains have moved before our eyes.  Oceans have parted just to give us a path.  Eyes have been opened, and so have hearts.  Battles in which we were outnumbered, and the odds were stacked against us, suddenly come to an end with our enemies fleeing the field.  And all of it can only be explained by one word.  One name.

Jesus.

This isn't to say that we don't still have fears.  Actually, we still have many fears.  But with all of that to live for, and all of the glory we've witnessed, why would we serve any other master?  Especially when our own master is familiar with every part of us, including the very darkest depths of our hearts, and still loves us enough to joyfully claim us as sons and daughters.  Yes, we have fears, but why should we let that keep us from following the only master who gives us the strength and opportunity to conquer them? 

We are the Real Rebels.  The Revolutionaries that aspire to be more than what this fallen world has offered us.  And though we might seem weak, we are stronger than our own ability because our God allows it to be so.  Our ability is not determined by our limitations, but by the very hands that placed each individual star in the sky.  We are considered dangerous because we have seen the truth.  Though we walk in peace, and go forth with only the intention of sharing the love, compassion, and grace that has provided our salvation, we are still considered a poison.  We are despised because we cannot be stopped.  The only one who determines our steps is our God.  We can't be controlled.

And we will not be silenced.