Certain Uncertainties

"Trust His Process..."

That's the theme I was given at the beginning of 2021. It's just vague enough to leave me clueless about where my life is headed. And just specific enough to make me second guess my every move. For a planner like myself...that's what we like to call a nightmare.

I used to have a map. I knew what steps I wanted to take for the next 5-10 years. Now, I'm back to square one.

In 2020 I finally gave up. I opened my hands and let go of the one thing I've always been afraid to lose. The one thing I didn't know who I'd be without. I said goodbye to my theatre ministry. After almost 10 years of late nights, busy rehearsal schedules, 40-60 hour tech weeks, and building this thing from the ground up, the sandbag dropped and the curtain closed on my heart's stage. We had just achieved nonprofit status, which was the dream. Little did I know, only 6 months after receiving our approval letter, I would be filing our closing paperwork like it never happened at all. Since then it's felt like the only thing left in my hands are questions.

Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I, now that the me I've been growing into since I was 15 is gone? 

And the biggest question of all...

Was it worth it?

A lot of the kids I worked with in my ministry don't talk to me anymore. Most of them have just gotten busy, and so have I, so we only cross paths occasionally. Those I don't mind. That's just how life goes. We shared our moments and moved in new directions, which is the beautiful thing about theatre.

Some told me my ministry helped them grow, aided in their walk with God, and was their comfort in a dark season. These are the conversations I treasure and hold close to my heart. God didn't need my help to work in their lives, and he never will. But he chose to allow me to be a part of it, and that humbles me everyday. I'll never take that for granted. 

And then there are those who called over the years to pour out their souls. The ones who told me I caused them pain and sorrow. Mostly because I told them the truth that they never wanted. Maybe that's my fault. maybe they weren't ready for an honest conversation, and I should have picked up on that. Maybe I should have brushed off the struggles they were having and pretended not to know the answers. Or maybe doing the right thing is a recipe for the chopping block and burned bridges.

No matter which category each of those 80-plus actors fall into, my love and my thoughts still fall on each name equally. It's that fact that has given me the greatest glimpse of God's heart toward us. I learned that I'm capable of loving someone who curses me just as much as someone who blesses me, and if that's the only lesson I'm walking away with, maybe the 10 years really were worth it. My heart still misses and aches for each of them the same, and I can recall each one by name whether they were one of my actors for a day or 4 years.

How much more is God capable of remembering and loving us? That's a question I will find profound and incomprehensible for the rest of my life.

But as for my future, where does the line fall? 

All I know is that everyone seems to expect me to know what to do from here. But I don't. That's the most difficult part. I'm staring at a blank page. The line is blinking, waiting for words. And I don't have any. I had a plan for my entire life laid out, based solely on that theater company. And now I'm back where I started when I was 15, prayerful and unsure.

My friends have all moved on. Some are working big kid jobs, some have gotten married, some have had kids. And where am i?

I'm 25 years old, staring hard at my life and where I want it to go, and not seeing any answers.

So... What do I do? Where do I go? How do I recover from losing everything I wanted my life to be? I wish I knew. Every day without direction feels like a ticking clock in my mind. The only reassurance I have is this...

I know that God knows.

He knows what this year is going to look like for me. He knows what choices I'll end up making. He knows the process of me getting there. He knows. And because he knows—as much as I don't like it—I don't have to know. I just have to trust, and walk, and get up every day with the expectation that God has good things in store for me.

Not the perfectly planned, cookie cutter things in my head, because that's Aly's world and not reality. But good things. I knew my resolution theme at the beginning of this year would challenge me. And, sure enough, it already is. But isn't that what faith is? Walking blindly, and trusting that the waves will provide a stable place to stand? Just simply because God is the one controlling them?

Maybe this is my opportunity to step out on the sea and learn to walk. It'll be slow and I'll falter, but so did Peter. And I find it no accident that the writing project I've had on my mind for the past year and a half is also about that very man. God has a sense of humor like that, doesn't he?

Even though it would be easy to look at what's next with fear and bitterness and dread, and that's my natural instinct, I'm determined to face this differently. A blank page can be unnerving, but it can also be exciting. It means the possibilities are endless. 

Despite the unfortunate losses, so much good has also come from 2020. I started a business creating art that I adore and that brings people joy. I joined TikTok as a direct result of quarantine boredom, and ended up making some wonderful, faith-filled friends who I now talk to daily. I discovered new inspiration, willingness, and resolve that I didn't know I could find within myself. I've learned to listen to my health, and made better choices to accommodate it. I've grown closer to my family, and learned more about Aly in the past year than I did through 10 years of theatre directing.

The purpose of this post was mostly to make an update on where I'm at currently. But now that I've reached the end of this tale, I also want to offer encouragement, both to you, dear reader, and to myself...

Your life is not going to look anything like what you've planned out in your head. It's not. There will be pleasant surprises and unforseen tragedies. Your bets will lose, and sometimes the risks you take just won't pan out. But sometimes they will. So my advice is this:

Stop keeping score.

The longer you try to predict the future, the less time you have to just enjoy the ride. God already has the navigation set, and all he wants you to do is just take in the scenery. There will be heartache and sorrow. There will be loss and anger. There will be immense victories. There will be joy beyond compare, and love that stretches farthur and deeper than oceans. I know all of this because, as a writer, I know those are the ingredients that make an incredible story. And at the end of the day, that's what your life is. One beautiful, brilliant, moving, one-of-a-kind story. A story where only the author himself knows the ending.

In life, nothing is certain. And that's why "trusting his process" is bound to be both a wild ride and a beautiful adventure. But that's the point. That's where we reach the end of ourselves, and faith begins.

So, I suppose we should let go, right? Trust the author to do his job. Know that the overall plot will be better off because he can see the big picture. Allow ourselves to place our hope in a beautiful ending. Close our eyes, count to three, and just...

Jump.

My Favorite #SherlockReacts Posts From Series 4

I realize this post is a bit late. A few months late to be exact.  But these pictures and expressions are still ringing in my mind after series 4 so, even though it's taken far too long for me to compile this list, I'm posting it anyway. Enjoy!

***

In the midst of having extreme anticipation for Sherlock Series 4 I learned about a beautiful new hashtag...  #SherlockReacts.  After each of the new episodes, I found great comfort on twitter knowing that I wasn't the only one completely losing my mind over the fantastic writing and plot twists that The Six Thatchers, The Lying Detective, and The Final Problem offered up for us.  All three episodes were WELL worth the more than two year wait, let me tell you.

Just simply from a writer's perspective, I absolutely love what they've done with character development in this series.  The Lying Detective, especially, revealed some of the deepest examples of brave character growth that I've ever witnessed, and it truly inspired me.  Not only that, but Sherlock's little speeches about self harm and suicide were near and dear to my heart, being someone who works with teenagers who struggle with those very things everyday.  Sherlock and John's friendship and desperate reliance on each other were depicted in a shade of compassion that's always been evident, but never played out on screen in such a touching way before.

So, now that I've shown you just how obsessed I am with this show, I think it's time I lay out just what I was thinking at the end of these episodes of Series 4. 

Without further ado, here are my favorite #SherlockReacts posts!

****WARNING...THERE ARE LOTS OF SPOILERS AHEAD****

Episode 1 - The Six Thatchers...

Episode 2 - The Lying Detective...

Episode 3 - The Final Problem...

Well, there you have it!  Who could have known a simple, half-hug could cause such an outburst of emotion.  I felt like I saw a child taking their first couple steps, and yes I definitely cried.  It was such a breakthrough.  Ugh, I need to stop writing about it before I cry again.

Well done, Sherlock cast and crew!  You've got us all on the edge of our seats, and it's a grand ride to be a part of.  Keep it up!

10 Ways to Rock NaNoWriMo This Year

What's my favorite time of year, you may ask?  Autumn, without a doubt!  Is it because of Thanksgiving, the leaves changing color, or sweater weather?  Absolutely, I love all of those things.  However, in recent years my love for Fall has grown by leaps and bounds, simply because of one very lovely acronym.

NaNoWriMo...

NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it's basically the novelist version of Christmas.  Every year writers from all over the world embark on a creative journey to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.  It's a whirlwind, to be sure, but it's the most fun whirlwind you'll ever experience in your entire life!  Writing on your own is one thing, and it's very possible to get a lot done that way.  But you will never experience the true beauty of writing until you're up at 1am typing like fire with thousands of other writers across the globe.  It's a sort of magic that can't quite be put into words.

If you make the decision to join me on this crazy wonderful journey this November, I promise you will not regret it.  But, in order to make this the best experience possible, I decided to make a list of tips and tricks I've learned over my four years of experience with this creative mad-dash.  

*Also, a note to teachers and homeschool moms, NaNoWriMo has student kits that can be used to turn it into a classroom activity for English credit.  I did it for a school project two years in a row, and it was incredible!  My whole family is participating this year, and I'm so excited!  Keep reading for more info on that.*

1.  Determine if you want to join the Adult Program or the Young Adult Program.

NaNoWriMo actually has two different websites.  In the Young Adult program, those 17 and younger can sign up and choose their own word count goal for the month of November.  This program also has an option for teachers to sign up their classroom as a group.  That way teachers can track the progress of their students and see if they're keeping up with their goals.  Worksheets are available as well, for curriculum purposes.

Check it out here:  http://ywp.nanowrimo.org/

                       

Once you turn 18, you have to join the Adult program.  But writers younger than 18 can join this program as well.  In the Adult program you can't choose your own word count goal.  The goal for everyone is automatically set to 50,000 words.  Don't be freaked out by that though.  Even if you don't hit that goal, you'll still get a lot of writing done while you try, and that's the point anyway!

Website: http://nanowrimo.org/

2. Sign up and get your novel page set up ASAP!

The sooner you do this, the more time you'll have to think on what you'll be writing about.  Signing up is pretty easy, and it doesn't take a whole lot of time to establish your novel either.  Get it done early and start the month off right!

3. Are you a Planner or a Pantser?  

In other words, are you going to make a detailed plan before you write your novel this year?  Or are you going to fly by the seat of your pants and make it up as you go?  I'm a Pantser all the way.  I find that not knowing what's going to happen next helps me write more from the character's point of view.  Figure out which one you are and prepare accordingly.  Whether you're a planner or a pantser, make sure you print out NaNoWriMo's prep packet!  It has questionnaires and writing tips to help you along the way.   

4. Get yourself a late-night-motivation stash.

Every year one of my favorite ways to prepare for NaNoWriMo is to pick out some of my favorite snacks, candies, and drinks to stock up for those nights when I need a little burst of energy.  Suddenly you'll find yourself very excited to stay up late sticking to your word goal, believe me!  Some of my favorites are things that have a little sugar buzz, but also have a taste that'll keep me awake.  Chai, sparkling water, any type of ginger candy, York peppermint patties, and sour gummies are just a few examples.  Of course, coffee and chocolate covered espresso beans are a plus as well.

5. Find a space.

The hardest thing for me every year isn't figuring out what to write about.  It's figuring out WHERE to write.  It has to be convenient.  Comfortable, but not so much that I fall asleep.  I need access to an electric outlet for my computer.  Close vicinity to coffee is always helpful.  Identify a place where you can write efficiently, and make a mental note of it for when November 1st rolls around.

6. Promise to ignore your inner editor, and MEAN IT.

This one is always ridiculously hard for me.  If I type a sentence and it's not just as it's supposed to be, forcing myself to move on and not correct it is basically torture.  But if I obsess over that one sentence for too long, that takes time away from other scenes I could be writing.  Shoving off that editor in your head is essential if you want to finish on time!

7. Look up lots of writing memes...

You've gotta do something when you hit the procrastination phase of the writing process.

8. Follow NaNoWriMo Word Sprints on Twitter.  DO IT.

Seriously, if you're looking for the best writing motivator ever, follow Word Sprints.  They set up little timed sprints specifically for NaNo writers, and it's a blast!  Just check Twitter, and wait until you see a tweet like "Going for 5 minutes at 3:30".  Once the 5 minutes start, you write as much as you possibly can before time is up.  Then everyone can tweet their word count or a snippet of dialogue.  They often include challenges and writing prompts as well, and since the sprint leader changes up all the time, there's always something new going on.  

My favorite is when they do the #NaNoHouseCup.  For those of you who like Harry Potter, they do word sprints with a Hogwarts theme.  At the end of each time you post your word count along with your house.  They tally them up and announce the winning house for that week.  Then, at the end of the month, the house cup is awarded to the house with the most words written.  It's insanely fun, and I've gotten way better word counts since I started!  (By the way, Ravenclaw won last year.  Wit beyond measure...just saying.)

9. Attend a Write-In

When you sign up for NaNoWriMo there's an option to enter your region, and I strongly suggest you do this.  If you find your region on the list, check to see if there are local meetings and events in your area!  Some regions have kick off parties, special events, and weekly writing sessions.  If you like writing in groups, definitely take advantage of this!  Some events even include prizes, and it's a great way to meet other writers along the way.

10. ENJOY YOURSELF.

The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to be creative, passionate, and "all in" for your novel.  Besides, the reason we start writing in the first place is because we love it so much, so let that shine through!  If you find you're bored, frustrated, or stressed about it, switch it up!  Change the direction of your current story, or maybe change the story altogether.  Just keep breathing and have a good time!

And don't forget, you can catch up on sleep in December *wink*

If you have any questions about NaNoWriMo, feel free to ask!  And let me know if you're planning on accepting the challenge.  Maybe I'll see you at a Write-In this November!