Certain Uncertainties

"Trust His Process..."

That's the theme I was given at the beginning of 2021. It's just vague enough to leave me clueless about where my life is headed. And just specific enough to make me second guess my every move. For a planner like myself...that's what we like to call a nightmare.

I used to have a map. I knew what steps I wanted to take for the next 5-10 years. Now, I'm back to square one.

In 2020 I finally gave up. I opened my hands and let go of the one thing I've always been afraid to lose. The one thing I didn't know who I'd be without. I said goodbye to my theatre ministry. After almost 10 years of late nights, busy rehearsal schedules, 40-60 hour tech weeks, and building this thing from the ground up, the sandbag dropped and the curtain closed on my heart's stage. We had just achieved nonprofit status, which was the dream. Little did I know, only 6 months after receiving our approval letter, I would be filing our closing paperwork like it never happened at all. Since then it's felt like the only thing left in my hands are questions.

Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I, now that the me I've been growing into since I was 15 is gone? 

And the biggest question of all...

Was it worth it?

A lot of the kids I worked with in my ministry don't talk to me anymore. Most of them have just gotten busy, and so have I, so we only cross paths occasionally. Those I don't mind. That's just how life goes. We shared our moments and moved in new directions, which is the beautiful thing about theatre.

Some told me my ministry helped them grow, aided in their walk with God, and was their comfort in a dark season. These are the conversations I treasure and hold close to my heart. God didn't need my help to work in their lives, and he never will. But he chose to allow me to be a part of it, and that humbles me everyday. I'll never take that for granted. 

And then there are those who called over the years to pour out their souls. The ones who told me I caused them pain and sorrow. Mostly because I told them the truth that they never wanted. Maybe that's my fault. maybe they weren't ready for an honest conversation, and I should have picked up on that. Maybe I should have brushed off the struggles they were having and pretended not to know the answers. Or maybe doing the right thing is a recipe for the chopping block and burned bridges.

No matter which category each of those 80-plus actors fall into, my love and my thoughts still fall on each name equally. It's that fact that has given me the greatest glimpse of God's heart toward us. I learned that I'm capable of loving someone who curses me just as much as someone who blesses me, and if that's the only lesson I'm walking away with, maybe the 10 years really were worth it. My heart still misses and aches for each of them the same, and I can recall each one by name whether they were one of my actors for a day or 4 years.

How much more is God capable of remembering and loving us? That's a question I will find profound and incomprehensible for the rest of my life.

But as for my future, where does the line fall? 

All I know is that everyone seems to expect me to know what to do from here. But I don't. That's the most difficult part. I'm staring at a blank page. The line is blinking, waiting for words. And I don't have any. I had a plan for my entire life laid out, based solely on that theater company. And now I'm back where I started when I was 15, prayerful and unsure.

My friends have all moved on. Some are working big kid jobs, some have gotten married, some have had kids. And where am i?

I'm 25 years old, staring hard at my life and where I want it to go, and not seeing any answers.

So... What do I do? Where do I go? How do I recover from losing everything I wanted my life to be? I wish I knew. Every day without direction feels like a ticking clock in my mind. The only reassurance I have is this...

I know that God knows.

He knows what this year is going to look like for me. He knows what choices I'll end up making. He knows the process of me getting there. He knows. And because he knows—as much as I don't like it—I don't have to know. I just have to trust, and walk, and get up every day with the expectation that God has good things in store for me.

Not the perfectly planned, cookie cutter things in my head, because that's Aly's world and not reality. But good things. I knew my resolution theme at the beginning of this year would challenge me. And, sure enough, it already is. But isn't that what faith is? Walking blindly, and trusting that the waves will provide a stable place to stand? Just simply because God is the one controlling them?

Maybe this is my opportunity to step out on the sea and learn to walk. It'll be slow and I'll falter, but so did Peter. And I find it no accident that the writing project I've had on my mind for the past year and a half is also about that very man. God has a sense of humor like that, doesn't he?

Even though it would be easy to look at what's next with fear and bitterness and dread, and that's my natural instinct, I'm determined to face this differently. A blank page can be unnerving, but it can also be exciting. It means the possibilities are endless. 

Despite the unfortunate losses, so much good has also come from 2020. I started a business creating art that I adore and that brings people joy. I joined TikTok as a direct result of quarantine boredom, and ended up making some wonderful, faith-filled friends who I now talk to daily. I discovered new inspiration, willingness, and resolve that I didn't know I could find within myself. I've learned to listen to my health, and made better choices to accommodate it. I've grown closer to my family, and learned more about Aly in the past year than I did through 10 years of theatre directing.

The purpose of this post was mostly to make an update on where I'm at currently. But now that I've reached the end of this tale, I also want to offer encouragement, both to you, dear reader, and to myself...

Your life is not going to look anything like what you've planned out in your head. It's not. There will be pleasant surprises and unforseen tragedies. Your bets will lose, and sometimes the risks you take just won't pan out. But sometimes they will. So my advice is this:

Stop keeping score.

The longer you try to predict the future, the less time you have to just enjoy the ride. God already has the navigation set, and all he wants you to do is just take in the scenery. There will be heartache and sorrow. There will be loss and anger. There will be immense victories. There will be joy beyond compare, and love that stretches farthur and deeper than oceans. I know all of this because, as a writer, I know those are the ingredients that make an incredible story. And at the end of the day, that's what your life is. One beautiful, brilliant, moving, one-of-a-kind story. A story where only the author himself knows the ending.

In life, nothing is certain. And that's why "trusting his process" is bound to be both a wild ride and a beautiful adventure. But that's the point. That's where we reach the end of ourselves, and faith begins.

So, I suppose we should let go, right? Trust the author to do his job. Know that the overall plot will be better off because he can see the big picture. Allow ourselves to place our hope in a beautiful ending. Close our eyes, count to three, and just...

Jump.

A Day In The Life Of Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

If you or someone you know has anxiety of any kind, you know what confusion is like. I can say that because I have social anxiety, and it's a part of my daily struggle. We are confusing people. We're painfully aware of that truth, believe me. That's why I want to help.

Believe it or not, helping someone with anxiety is simple. It all comes down to helping us train our brains. That sounds weird, I know. But conditioning an anxiety brain to know it's safe when you're near is the secret to a calm, happy anxiety friend.

Before I go into that, though, it's important that you see life through our very specific set of eyes.

Here's what a typical day looks like with an anxiety brain...

I just woke up. My neck, shoulders, and back are sore. It was a stressful day yesterday, and I must have been tensing up again. (Sometimes we can go a whole day with constantly tensed up muscles and not even know it. It's our normal.)

I know I should eat breakfast, but I'm too nervous. There's too much to get done. I need to make sure I succeed today, or I'll start spiraling. I have to mentally prepare before I call about setting up my routine dental appointment today, I don't want to say something idiotic and mess up. I'll just grab a granola bar and call it good. (It's different for everyone, but for social anxiety phone calls are usually the absolute worst. If an anxiety brain can talk on the phone with you and feel comfortable, congratulations, you have been accepted into the circle! I think I can name about 7 people I can talk on the phone to without having to psych myself up first. My parents, my siblings, and one of my cousins.)

Then I'm meeting with a friend later, so I need to think through a mental list of conversation topics. I don't want to leave things silent for too long or they'll think I'm awkward. I also need to think through every possible scenario of what could go wrong so I can prepare accordingly. I don't want to seem lonely, but I still want them to know I want to be there. I don't want to seem clingy, but I don't want to be distant either. I also don't want to offend them by accident. I've been hurt, and I don't ever want to be the source of someone else's pain. I'll have to be super careful. (This is often why people with anxiety are introverts. It takes a lot of energy and effort to talk to people. Especially for social anxiety.)

I finished my phone call, and I didn't mess up. Mental high five! Now I'm at the grocery store. All the self checkouts are closed, so I have to use a normal lane. I hope I don't say something stupid to the cashier. I'll say only what I absolutely have to, and then leave. Hopefully there's a self checkout open next time. (I pretty much only use self checkouts when the option is available. And no, it's not because I'm trying to put cashiers out of a job, so stop bringing that up, please.)

As I'm looking at my to do list for the day, I see my email list, and notice that there are several emails piled up in my work account. There are also several messages on facebook that I haven't had time to answer, and I should start somewhere so people don't think I'm ignoring them. Oh no... I shouldn't have opened my emails. I forgot about that project I was supposed to submit yesterday. They must think I'm an awful person. I feel terrible. I don't want to be bad at my job. It's too much... I failed. I won't get it all done. Why do I even try when I always mess up? (At this point I can feel my heart rate increasing. Something so simple, and yet my brain has just told my body it's in danger. Fight or flight is activated, and adrenaline is released into my body. My thoughts become blurred and unclear. My chest simultaneously feels like there is a balloon full of moths on the inside, and a boulder on the outside. If it's really bad, and I've had a hard enough week, I might starting having shallower and more sporadic breathing.)

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. How do I calm down? I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm by myself. Just focus...focus... You can't do this right now, you need to drive home so your ice cream doesn't melt. Focus on that. No melty ice cream. That's the goal. (It might sound ridiculous, but oftentimes having a simplified, single goal to focus on in an anxiety attack is the very thing that helps us function through it. Someone once told me to start praying for a friend when this happens as well, and that helps a lot to distract and center the racing thought process of Fight Or Flight mode. Sometimes I'll recite Psalm 139 to myself. Using focus techniques to stop an anxiety attack is called "grounding," and the best thing for grounding is Jesus.)

Okay, I made it home. I should eat something, and then I'll stretch or watch a show for a while. I'll make some green tea. Maybe I'll read. I can't answer my emails now. I'm too frazzled and I might make a mistake. I'll do it later. (Believe it or not, procrastination is a sign of anxiety. We put things off because we feel we can never live up to the perfection we hope for the project to achieve, or we worry that we'll never be satisfied with it ourselves, so it's really hard for us to start or truly finish anything. That's why I'm a perfectionist personality who almost always has a messy room. I have to clean it all in one day, or it's not worth it.)

I messaged my friend to ask if we were still getting together today. I also asked how their struggles with their family have been going. They saw my message, but they're not replying. Should I have not asked? Did I say something wrong? Maybe they don't even want to see me today. They're probably just tolerating me. Or maybe they only get together with me because they don't have any other options for friends. I know I worry about things a lot, so maybe that's why? I wish I knew what they were thinking. Why won't they text back? Why am I like this? I shouldn't think about things this way. I don't blame them if they hate me... (This sounds extreme, but it's not. This is my thought process. My anxiety is sourced from rejection and abandonment situations with friendships and relationships that happened when I was in middle and high school. Situations where people I got really, deeply close to left me behind without telling me why. They just stopped communicating with me, avoided talking to me in person, and wouldn't tell me what happened when I asked. So I tend to associate silence with abandonment. Even if that's far from the truth, and I know that, that's just what my brain does.)

I've been staring at my phone, waiting for a reply that probably won't come, because they must hate me for some unknown reason. Suddenly I become aware of a deep soreness in my neck, shoulders, and jaw. I had been clenching my teeth together for the past hour, and I hadn't even noticed. I have to force my jaw to relax. It really aches, now, but that's normal. (This happens so much. I'm never truly relaxed. I find myself clenching my jaw a lot when I'm having a bad anxiety day.)

My thoughts are spinning. Everyone hates me. I can't get my work in on time. I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling overwhelmed. And now I'm spiraling. I know I'm spiraling. I know these thoughts aren't true. But what if they are? Isn't it better to be aware and in pain than to be happily oblivious? Why do I do this to myself? (Oftentimes, anxiety isn't triggered by one event. It's usually triggered by many compiled thoughts, which is why it's harder to predict when an anxiety attack is going to take place than a panic attack, which are more pointed and situation based.)

Now a family member is speaking to me. They're asking me if I completed that small task that they asked me to do earlier. I snap at them that I hadn't gotten the chance yet. I don't know why I'm angry. My mistakes are not their fault. Adrenaline is still in my system, so I have energy that has nowhere to go. I can feel that energy building in my chest. My heart rate increases again. They're surprised at my outburst and get frustrated, since they were only asking a simple question. I should apologize, and tell them about my day, but I'm embarrassed about how little overwhelms me, and I don't want to admit it. So I get mad. I don't know what I'm mad about, I just am. The build up of tension releases, and I explode. This sparks an argument that could have been easily defused if I would have just told the truth earlier, but I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles. (90% of the time, when I get mad it's because of something going on behind the scenes, and not because of the situation directly in front of me. I'm not good at owning up to the things that are bothering me, especially because anxiety makes me feel so small.)

Once the argument is over, I isolate myself for an hour or so, just until I can calm down. Then I feel terrible. That argument was ridiculous. I just ruined someone else's day. I'm so selfish. Why am I so selfish? I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't. So why am I? I go to the family member and apologize. We hug, and things are fine again. I complete the task they asked me about in the first place. (Explosions and arguments often happen when I don't get the chance to calm down after an anxiety attack. I need to get better at communicating this to people, but it's hard. I don't like owning up to the problem.)

Meanwhile, my friend has replied to my message. They're excited to get together, and tell me they can't wait. They had been in an area without phone service, which is why it took them a while to reply. We plan where we're going to meet. I go through "socialization protocol" in my head one more time before I go to meet them. We end up having an amazing time. When I get home, I think through everything I said with my friend. The only sentences that come to mind are ones that I thought might have sounded dumb. I dwell on these sentences for several days, maybe weeks, and sometimes even apologize for them. Usually the friend doesn't even remember me saying the thing that I was dwelling on. (I still lay awake in the middle of the night thinking of dumb things I said when I was in elementary school. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's my reality.)

Well... There you go...

There's a taste of what our day typically looks like. Now, this is a more extreme scenario. Having all of these examples take place on the same day would be considered a really bad anxiety day. And this day would be the result of me not taking care of myself, or not taking my usual precautions. When I eat regular meals, sleep right, and take proper care of my mental and emotional health my anxiety tends to be a lot better. That's a daily process, though. I also have certain breathing techniques, supplements, and other tricks that help keep my anxiety under control. Before I realized I had social anxiety, though, days like this happened often.

I'm planning to write a part two to this post about how to best help the anxiety brain you know. Once I write that, the link will go here...

How To Help Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

For now, though, I hope you found this helpful in itself! Anxiety is nothing to be afraid of or shy away from in a friendship. In fact, some of the most loving, considerate, big-hearted people I know are people with anxiety. We know what it's like to be alone, so we go out of our way to make sure people never feel that way.

I didn't at first, but over the years I've come to see my anxiety as a superpower. Without it, I don't think I would appreciate the friends I have as much. Anytime someone shows me deep unconditional love, I'm pleasantly surprised and eternally impacted by their willingness to stick around. People leaving is normal. People staying is beautiful.

Without anxiety, I never would have started writing. The worlds, and characters, and stories I've had the blessing to create because of this illness are a greater gift than I can even comprehend. And it's because of that writing that I was able to start creating original plays and skits, which is something I still do to this day. I even got to watch one of those plays come to life last fall.

I still pray that God will take my anxiety from me. Mostly because I notice how it negatively impacts those around me. But I also understand if he doesn't. Some of the most beautiful stories are woven with pain and struggle, but they have hope as well.

As Jesus said in the garden before he was arrested, "Father, take this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Sometimes God purposefully allows pain to remain in our lives. And it's because of love that he does this. Only he can see the ending. He wrote it. And he knows exactly what plot points will help us accomplish his beautiful, unique, blessed plan for us.

Anxiety is hard, frustrating, and exhausting, but it's led me through green pastures. It's placed me beside still waters. It's a tool that God has used to restore and refresh my soul on multiple occasions. It's also helped me reach out and relate to others who feel alone, and that's worth it's weight in gold.

Do you struggle with anxiety? How has God used it in your life, and the lives of others? 

The Me That I Am

I met someone new;
An intriguing acquaintance, now mine.
A voice that rang bells. Eyes like ghosts.
And a door opened.

-

Lips as red as the bleeding heart on her sleeve.
It didn't take long to notice,
She was a cocktail of emotion.
She moved through life like a bullet.

-

A name settled on the tip of my tongue,
Unbeknownst to my mind.
Recognition, but no placement.
She remained a mystery.

-

We struck up conversation
Like one strikes a match.
Words passed.
Time didn't.

-

I knew her face so well,
Yet identity still escaped me.

-

Something happened.
Movement caught my eye.
She adjusted her glasses, and there it was.
The quirk gave it away.

-

Me.

-

How could that be?
This reflection wore my face,
But not my flaws.
She was...more.

-

There was passion in her presence.
I looked at her shoulders.
The usual weariness was gone.
I was breathless.

-

I barely recognized her
Without the boulder on her chest.
Where was the inhibition
that lived behind her teeth?

-

She loved like the first breath
And gave like the last.
She looked at hurdles with narrowed eyes
And jumped.

-

She glided past rejection.
She broke.
She let go.
And then shared her heart anyway.

-

She was green tea and ginger;
Adding warmth and spice to life.
She was a novel from 1945;
Old fashioned, with scribbled thoughts on every page.

-

She was the desk in her room,
As shamelessly messy as her mind.
She was unshaken, creative,
Knowing, undefeated.

-

She learned from the past,
Laughed in the present,
and faced the future with anticipation.
All three were friends to her.

-

My soul wept at the sight of her.
Father, will I ever get there?
I asked.
I want to be who she is.

-

I wanted the restfulness in her eyes.
I wanted the contagious joy in her posture.
I wanted to trust no matter what.
I wanted to step out on the sea and believe I could stand.

-

Lord, when will I be her?

-

The answer came,
Whispered.
Waves of tenderness
Crashed on the shore of my soul.

-

You are.

-

Just two words,
And all I could do was breathe.
My lips fell open.
My eyes fell closed.

-

That answer was impossible,
Yet, somehow, believable.
The Creator said it.
It must be so.

-

My heart and brain sped.
The previously new acquaintance vanished.
It was just me.
But not really.

-

There was also Him. The voice's keeper.
Unshaken, creative,
Knowing, undefeated.
Him.

-

And He was the reason
I found those two words so believable.
In His death I gained life.
In His brokenness I was made whole.

-

The rest was history.
My existence defined in two words.
Made with a purpose, unstoppable,
Even by my own shortcomings.

-

The inheritance of royalty
Given to a beggar on the street.
How great the Father's love for us!
How vast beyond all measure!

-

That was the first day God introduced me
To myself.
And ever since I've been discovering
The me that I am.


(Photo Credit: Natalya Bartelt)

My Year In Review: 18 Quotes For 2018

In 2017 my resolution was to "Lose Myself In God's Love." God came through on that theme in ways I never would have expected. I experienced ministry burnout, which left me with nothing to cling to but God. I started this year, 2018, with nothing left to give and not a clue who I was meant to be. My new resolution was to "Abide In Him," because that's basically all I had the energy to do. God's been working on me with that one all year and, most of the time, just being honest, I've failed miserably.

If there's one ongoing lesson God's been teaching me this year, it's how very badly I need to work on two very important words...

Be Still.

But that's another blog post for another day.

2018 has been filled with new people, new experiences, and the beautiful process of rediscovering who God created me to be. I spent the first half of the year allowing God to remind me who I am. Then, once I had spent several months rebuilding, the second half of the year included growth through several new, terrifying, challenging, joyful, blessed experiences. At the end of it all, I feel more myself than I ever have. I'm confident that I'm exactly where God wants me, and it's the first time in a long time I've been able to say that. 

I know who I am. 

But I'm still in the process of learning, growing, and seeing where my path leads. I've been praying about what my resolution should be for next year, and I think I've finally landed on the right one. In 2019, I hope to "Rediscover My Purpose."

Before I move forward with that theme, though, I wanted to summarize where I've been, where I am, and where I'm hoping to be in the future. So, without any further rambling and in no particular order, here are 18 quotes that describe my 2018.

1.

2.

3.

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8.

9.

10.

11.

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13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

It Gets Better

Hello friends.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to start this post. This year has been a whirlwind. But the overwhelming truth that I keep coming back to is this...

Our good, wonderful, glorious God is so magnificently, unconditionally FAITHFUL.

If you've been reading my previous posts, you know that I've been in the depths of ministry burnout for about two years now, which came to a climax in the Fall/Winter of 2017. Feel free to go back and read those heart cries if you need to catch up on that whole situation. I didn't want to accept it then, but I can say with honesty now that I had been experiencing depression along with the burnout at that time as well. It was a series of dark days for me. I seriously thought I would never feel that beautiful passion burning inside me ever again. For theatre, for writing, for ministry. But, praise the Lord, that darkness is not where I remained.

Now, almost a year later, I am rejoicing!

God walked every step of this year right along side me, and proved to me time and again how vast his goodness and mercy really are. I'm more myself than I've ever been, and I couldn't have gotten here without the wake up call of hitting rock bottom, and having no choice but to look up. God truly turned my entire world upside down, and I've never been so thankful to have my plans pried from my fingers.

Last year my resolution was to "Lose Myself in God's Love." He brought that to fruition in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I didn't think it was beautiful at the time, though. I'd been stripped of every mask I used to wear, the comfort I used to cling to, hiding behind identities that weren't my own. Writer, Director, Ministry Leader, the list went on. And God tore those masks away from me one at a time, until all that was left at the end of last year was... me.

That isn't what I wanted. "Me" isn't what I wanted. Without those masks I became the girl who hadn't dealt with the pain that friends and past relationships had left behind, shoving it away to keep the feelings of worthlessness at bay. I became the girl who developed social anxiety from being bullied. The girl who smiled all day and said she was good just to avoid talking about how she had cried herself to sleep the night before, the weight of her stress being far too much for her to bear. Without those masks all I had was my pain.

And that pain is what God was trying to get to all along.

Over New Years, feeling at the very end of me and not capable of really "doing" anything, my resolution for 2018 was to simply "Abide In Him."

Honestly, abiding was all I could do. I was so exhausted, and I had no ways to please anyone that wouldn't totally drain my energy in an hour or less. All I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let him love me.

And that's exactly what he wanted all along.

In church they always tell you that "God's love isn't something we can ever earn." And we all smile and nod and say we agree. But do we really believe that statement? I thought I did. And then I learned, after 7 years of ministry, that I had believed one thing while simultaneously living in the opposite.

I believed that I could earn God's love. I could deserve it. "All those other people in my past hadn't thought me worthy of long-term love, but surely I could make God see that I was deserving of the sacrifice he had made for me!"

Flummadiddle!

I couldn't teach God how to love me anymore than I could teach a potato how to be a potato. A potato already IS a potato! And God already loves me as much as he ever could, with every ounce of unconditional love that he has!

And so, as I've spent this year abiding in his gracious love for me, I've found so much healing in taking the time to just simply be in awe. Do you ever do that? Just sit and allow yourself to be amazed by God?

Yesterday I went for a walk, and the air was a settling kind of warm, and the breeze was just strong enough to blow my hair back and kiss my skin, and the sky had just enough stars and clouds to look like pure artistry. I took off my shoes and stood in still, quiet water. My lungs filled with the blessed scent of dewy greenery. I could taste a coming rainstorm brewing in the breeze. I felt rocks under my toes.

That's something you truly miss when you go through burnout... Feeling. In the midst of that season, everything is numb. Food you used to enjoy has no taste. Joy and anger are just words. Everything is indifference and dull sorrow, and not knowing why.

Last night was one of the many times over the past several months where I quieted my heart and just allowed myself to feel. And I did. And what I found was pure, unhindered joy welling in my soul. In that moment, it was impossible for me not to marvel at God's majesty.

Remember that trail I was telling you about in a previous post? The one that God wanted me to pave? I think I found it. That trail he wants me to pave and explore is my relationship with him. What I'll find along the way, I have no idea.

But that's the exciting part, isn't it? We get to ADVENTURE, and GROW, and DISCOVER until the day we pass away. And then we'll stand in amazement as we look at the full tapestry that God used our lives to create. And it will be the most beautiful thing!

If you're someone experiencing depression, burnout, or some other struggle right now, don't stop fighting. God can use it, and he WILL use it. Not only that, but he'll bring a whole new season of light to you on the other side. You'll feel again. You'll hope again. You'll breathe again. Allow yourself the time to ache, and rest, and mourn over the broken pieces of the life you've lost. But then open your arms, sit in God's presence, and let him love on you!

Don't ever stop fighting for your purpose, your joy, your soul.

Even after you heal, you're still going to have days now and then when that exhaustion comes back. Listen to it! Rest when it comes, and take the time to really hear what your heart is telling you. But I promise it will improve with time, and those burnout days will get less and less frequent.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, and have been so good about checking in to make sure I'm okay. God has used you to heal my heart in more ways than you will ever know.

Now... I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow again. I'm ready to feel again. I'm ready to continue the adventure that God called me to so many years ago, applying all the new things I've learned along the way.

I'm ready.

Onward and Upward!

The Wilderness

I haven't posted on this blog in a very long time. I should have written more over the past several months. Writing on here usually helps me sort through my thoughts like nothing else can. But my headspace has been a not-so-positive place recently, and I didn't want to bring down someone else's day just because mine haven't been the greatest.

Christians have described this feeling in several ways. Burnout, Dry Season, Dessert Soul. In a devotional by Tenth Avenue North that I read a week ago, Mike described it as "The Wilderness." That description always connects with the word "lost" in my mind.

I've been lost in the wilderness before.

A friend and I were walking trails we had walked tons of times before. The only problem was there had been flooding in the area this time, and some things looked very different. We were engaged in conversation, and soon we discovered that we had no clue where we were. We were planning on our walk being short, so we didn't have our phones. It was an unfortunate situation from the start.

We wandered and walked, walked and wandered, looking desperately for the trail we had come from. It took us three hours to finally find our way back. By then we were hungry, thirsty, exhausted, terrified. To this day when I see deep forests out my window as we're driving down the road, I get nervous.

That's how my life feels right now.

I'm wandering, looking for the clear path that used to lay before me. I thought God's plan was constant. I thought I knew, without a doubt, what he wanted for me. I thought I was headed in the right direction. So why is it I'm losing myself?

Why can't I find my way back to that trail?

God, why have you led me here, into the wilderness, when the narrow path was hard enough?

As I ask myself these questions every day, the only answer I can seem to come up with is that He wants me to start making a new trail.

What this new trail may be, I haven't the slightest idea. I don't know where it will lead. I don't know what direction to pave it in. I don't know if, three feet down the way, I'll need to turn left, right, or backwards. I just need to keep going and hope for the best.

Outside of this metaphor, I've made a trail before. It wasn't exactly a typical trail, or a typical way to make it, but it worked for the purpose we needed it for at that time.

I worked on a film set this summer as a Production Assistant. It was amazing! I loved every single second of it. If I could spend every single day doing that job, I would.

One day we were on location in a giant field, with grass as high as my shoulders. In the middle of the field was a tree that we were intending to film by, but we couldn't figure out how to get the actors out to it when we didn't have anything to mow down the tall grass. The costumes for that day, just like every other day in this particular film, were very elegant and couldn't get dirty. So, having the actors wade through the field in costume was out of the question.

That was when another odd job got added to my constantly growing list of "random things PA's are asked to do on a film set." Several of us started stomping the grass down sideways to make a small trail leading out to the tree. It was insanely slow-going, but I actually found it kind of fun. I was outside with friends, I was working on a film, I was going to have leg muscles of steel at the end of the day. Life was grand!

Here's the thing about making a trail this way, though. It does not happen quickly.

One step forward, stomp-stomp-stomp, shuffle-shuffle-shuffle, smooth to the side.

One step forward, stomp-stomp-stomp, shuffle-shuffle-shuffle, smooth to the side.

Little bit by little bit, all the way to the center of the field.

Tedious, exhausting, requiring patience, no indication how long it would take, adjusting direction one step at a time.

The Wilderness.

When we finished the trail, the actors were able to walk to the tree without difficulty, and the scene we filmed turned out beautifully. In fact, it holds some of my favorite shots of the entire movie.

Who knows, maybe that's why God has me where I am right now. Maybe, by inching my way forward in this tedious way, others will be able to use this path to walk toward Christ. Maybe someone will go this way who never thought to before, and it'll change them. Maybe the road less traveled isn't a road at all, but a direction without a map.
Maybe that's why it's called faith.

All I can do is keep going, bit by tiny bit, with the hope that God will lead me to a new path. But for now it's step by step, little by little, until I can finally discover the woman God is creating in me. It's long, and exhausting, and I'm falling short every single day it seems. Some days I make it three steps forward on my trail-making journey. Some days I only make one. Some days I have to walk backwards to smooth out what I did yesterday.

Through all of this, my thoughts are brought back to two years ago when I was directing Pilgrim: A Musical Based On Pilgrim's Progress. I don't think I've ever related to Christian more. Just more proof that God's timing is always perfect.

I'm not really sure where this post was supposed to lead, just like I'm not sure where my life is leading. But God is in control. He has a plan. His plans are good.

No matter what happens, at the end of the day, I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I don't need to know anything else, do I?

Hopefully you don't either.

10 Ways to Rock NaNoWriMo This Year

What's my favorite time of year, you may ask?  Autumn, without a doubt!  Is it because of Thanksgiving, the leaves changing color, or sweater weather?  Absolutely, I love all of those things.  However, in recent years my love for Fall has grown by leaps and bounds, simply because of one very lovely acronym.

NaNoWriMo...

NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it's basically the novelist version of Christmas.  Every year writers from all over the world embark on a creative journey to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.  It's a whirlwind, to be sure, but it's the most fun whirlwind you'll ever experience in your entire life!  Writing on your own is one thing, and it's very possible to get a lot done that way.  But you will never experience the true beauty of writing until you're up at 1am typing like fire with thousands of other writers across the globe.  It's a sort of magic that can't quite be put into words.

If you make the decision to join me on this crazy wonderful journey this November, I promise you will not regret it.  But, in order to make this the best experience possible, I decided to make a list of tips and tricks I've learned over my four years of experience with this creative mad-dash.  

*Also, a note to teachers and homeschool moms, NaNoWriMo has student kits that can be used to turn it into a classroom activity for English credit.  I did it for a school project two years in a row, and it was incredible!  My whole family is participating this year, and I'm so excited!  Keep reading for more info on that.*

1.  Determine if you want to join the Adult Program or the Young Adult Program.

NaNoWriMo actually has two different websites.  In the Young Adult program, those 17 and younger can sign up and choose their own word count goal for the month of November.  This program also has an option for teachers to sign up their classroom as a group.  That way teachers can track the progress of their students and see if they're keeping up with their goals.  Worksheets are available as well, for curriculum purposes.

Check it out here:  http://ywp.nanowrimo.org/

                       

Once you turn 18, you have to join the Adult program.  But writers younger than 18 can join this program as well.  In the Adult program you can't choose your own word count goal.  The goal for everyone is automatically set to 50,000 words.  Don't be freaked out by that though.  Even if you don't hit that goal, you'll still get a lot of writing done while you try, and that's the point anyway!

Website: http://nanowrimo.org/

2. Sign up and get your novel page set up ASAP!

The sooner you do this, the more time you'll have to think on what you'll be writing about.  Signing up is pretty easy, and it doesn't take a whole lot of time to establish your novel either.  Get it done early and start the month off right!

3. Are you a Planner or a Pantser?  

In other words, are you going to make a detailed plan before you write your novel this year?  Or are you going to fly by the seat of your pants and make it up as you go?  I'm a Pantser all the way.  I find that not knowing what's going to happen next helps me write more from the character's point of view.  Figure out which one you are and prepare accordingly.  Whether you're a planner or a pantser, make sure you print out NaNoWriMo's prep packet!  It has questionnaires and writing tips to help you along the way.   

4. Get yourself a late-night-motivation stash.

Every year one of my favorite ways to prepare for NaNoWriMo is to pick out some of my favorite snacks, candies, and drinks to stock up for those nights when I need a little burst of energy.  Suddenly you'll find yourself very excited to stay up late sticking to your word goal, believe me!  Some of my favorites are things that have a little sugar buzz, but also have a taste that'll keep me awake.  Chai, sparkling water, any type of ginger candy, York peppermint patties, and sour gummies are just a few examples.  Of course, coffee and chocolate covered espresso beans are a plus as well.

5. Find a space.

The hardest thing for me every year isn't figuring out what to write about.  It's figuring out WHERE to write.  It has to be convenient.  Comfortable, but not so much that I fall asleep.  I need access to an electric outlet for my computer.  Close vicinity to coffee is always helpful.  Identify a place where you can write efficiently, and make a mental note of it for when November 1st rolls around.

6. Promise to ignore your inner editor, and MEAN IT.

This one is always ridiculously hard for me.  If I type a sentence and it's not just as it's supposed to be, forcing myself to move on and not correct it is basically torture.  But if I obsess over that one sentence for too long, that takes time away from other scenes I could be writing.  Shoving off that editor in your head is essential if you want to finish on time!

7. Look up lots of writing memes...

You've gotta do something when you hit the procrastination phase of the writing process.

8. Follow NaNoWriMo Word Sprints on Twitter.  DO IT.

Seriously, if you're looking for the best writing motivator ever, follow Word Sprints.  They set up little timed sprints specifically for NaNo writers, and it's a blast!  Just check Twitter, and wait until you see a tweet like "Going for 5 minutes at 3:30".  Once the 5 minutes start, you write as much as you possibly can before time is up.  Then everyone can tweet their word count or a snippet of dialogue.  They often include challenges and writing prompts as well, and since the sprint leader changes up all the time, there's always something new going on.  

My favorite is when they do the #NaNoHouseCup.  For those of you who like Harry Potter, they do word sprints with a Hogwarts theme.  At the end of each time you post your word count along with your house.  They tally them up and announce the winning house for that week.  Then, at the end of the month, the house cup is awarded to the house with the most words written.  It's insanely fun, and I've gotten way better word counts since I started!  (By the way, Ravenclaw won last year.  Wit beyond measure...just saying.)

9. Attend a Write-In

When you sign up for NaNoWriMo there's an option to enter your region, and I strongly suggest you do this.  If you find your region on the list, check to see if there are local meetings and events in your area!  Some regions have kick off parties, special events, and weekly writing sessions.  If you like writing in groups, definitely take advantage of this!  Some events even include prizes, and it's a great way to meet other writers along the way.

10. ENJOY YOURSELF.

The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to be creative, passionate, and "all in" for your novel.  Besides, the reason we start writing in the first place is because we love it so much, so let that shine through!  If you find you're bored, frustrated, or stressed about it, switch it up!  Change the direction of your current story, or maybe change the story altogether.  Just keep breathing and have a good time!

And don't forget, you can catch up on sleep in December *wink*

If you have any questions about NaNoWriMo, feel free to ask!  And let me know if you're planning on accepting the challenge.  Maybe I'll see you at a Write-In this November!

A Walk In My Shoes: What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

As many of you know, I have struggled with having anxiety for a large portion of my life.  Anxiety comes in many forms, has many sources, and can come with many different symptoms.  My personal struggle is Social Anxiety, which started after several emotionally and mentally traumatic experiences with bullying and rejection.  It's not nearly as severe as many other cases are, but still impacts my daily life.

Allow me to give you a look inside my mind.


First of all Social Anxiety makes many normal tasks more difficult simply because they draw attention in some way.  Things like this make me extremely uncomfortable, and actually cause me to stress and freak out if I'm having a bad enough day.  For example...

To most people this probably sounds like a ridiculous scenario.  I, on the other hand, read this and reacted by my brain shouting "yes, someone understands!"  Other scenarios include...

Just in case a little definition would help you, here are some explanations of Social Anxiety specifically:

People with Social Anxiety have a variety of coping mechanisms to get through situations that make us uncomfortable.  These coping mechanisms can be a good indicator of whether or not someone you know has anxiety.

There are several specific things that bother people with anxiety.  Mostly just the fact that we know we shouldn't be afraid, but can't stop the emotion anyway.  Some other things would be...

Just know that, despite my anxiety, I really am trying my best.  Anxiety is the reason I know God is constantly working in my life.  I'm a drama teacher for crying out loud!  Not many people with Social Anxiety can say that they actually get excited to direct a group of teenage actors every week.  But, believe it or not, my anxiety actually has the least amount of impact on me when I'm acting and directing.  It's like I'm a different person, and I know that's God working through me.

I'll leave you with a couple notes.  If you know someone, or multiple someones with Social Anxiety, here are some things to keep in mind.  Just love on us.  Know that we have quirks, and we might not want to be daring all the time.  But, when we do, we'll tell you!  And even if we don't, we still love you!  Don't mistake our quiet tendencies for weakness, anger, or a stuck up attitude.  Often times we have a lot to say, but are quiet because we haven't figured out how to say it yet.