Dear Hindsight: A Love Story Playlist

Dearest Hindsight,

They say you're 20/20, and they would be right. The walls of my mind and the pages of my journals stand as proof of the predicament that fact has left me in. There's this place in my chest where a beating, living, loving thing should be. I've searched it out, and what I used to find instead was scar tissue. Then I started removing the bandages. I allowed myself to feel pain, to feel scabs, to feel the itch that indicates healing. And now here I am. So, this one's for you.

Now, you're not all bad. You've been a blessing in disguise. A mistake made is a lesson learned, and a lesson learned is a mistake not repeated. Because of you, I have been saved many repeated mistakes, and so I owe you my gratitude. I've grown, I've found myself, and I've learned to look at you without aching. So, this one's for you.

And you're not just one person. No. You're every relationship that has made a grand entrance before making a bold exit. You're the times I was heartbroken, and the times I was the source of heartbreak. You're the rear-view mirror that keeps me moving forward, while continuously glancing back to ensure the monsters stay behind and never return, both yours and my own.

Consider this an honest tribute. To those I loved and left behind, in no particular order...

1. Story Of Us by Taylor Swift

To you, the one I fell for too hard and too fast. We started as friends, and never talked about how we truly felt, which left us in an awkward, unhealthy in-between. I liked you for a very long time, and you took the longest to get over. But I blame myself for a lot of how that went. I was young, and needy, and friendless, and it overwhelmed you. There was also a lot of outside pressure for us to be more than friends. After a while we stopped talking, and I didn't know why. You're also the first of two guys I've ever told "I love you," which, I'm pretty sure, is what scared you off. We didn't end on a good note, and we're not friends anymore. Unfortunately, I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, which was not great. You'll never see this, but I'm sorry.

2. Just Friends by the Jonas Brothers

To you, the guy who was my best friend for three years. You patiently listened to me complain about other guys, and I listened to you complain about other girls. We encouraged and advised each other. You once jumped into a snow bank just to cheer me up on a bad day. Then we grew, and wondered if we could possibly work as a couple. You were the first guy to purposefully tell me you liked me. It was snowing, and we almost slipped on some ice on the walk back. We went on one date. Then reality hit, and we realized our lives were about to head in very different directions. We ended things with a positive outlook, offering encouragement to one another. We don't talk anymore, and we live totally different lives, but we're both doing what we love.

3. Stomping The Roses by David Archuleta

To you, the guy who played the part almost perfectly. We started out well, going on adventures and talking about books. I genuinely enjoyed your company. But you were a better actor than I gave you credit for, and I'm still trying to figure out what was authentic. I cared about you, I was real and honest with you, and I still pray for you. You're caught in a cycle of emotional denial and insecurity that is going to lead harmful places someday. The most concerning part of that is you've convinced yourself that you're okay. But by not giving yourself time to heal from the hurt in your past, you're only damaging those around you. And maybe you don't even know you're doing it, but the result is emotional manipulation. I know I could have handled our relationship better as well. The brokenness in our relationship was a team effort. But when you walked away, I felt stronger on my own. And that was all the indicator I needed that ending things was the best gift you gave me. I sincerely hope you figure things out so that you and your future relationships can thrive. I mean that.

4. Giving Your Heart Away by Jessa Anderson

To you, the one who wasn't ready for a relationship. The first guy I ever gave the breakup speech to. The one I knew wasn't right for me, but convinced myself to date anyway, because for once I wanted to believe a guy really cared about me. Our relationship started on accident, due to a typo in a text message, which should have been an indicator right away that it wasn't a great idea. We were both lonely and broken, and we both used each other as an emotional crutch, while convincing ourselves it was more. I felt bad about dragging the relationship on for as long as I did, since I knew pretty early on that we wouldn't last long term. But hearts are funny things, and I didn't know whether I could trust mine. Because of that, you ended up brokenhearted, and I'm sorry.

5. Wait It Out by Jamie Grace

To you, the boys I barely dated, or only went on one date with, who hadn't figured out that women of God like men who approach them with intention. If you ever want to make it anywhere with women (or I guess I should say with women worth pursuing), there are some things you need to stop doing. For example, here are a few of the winning sentences that these boys have tried on me... Good grief...

"I have a lot of stuff and a house, and I figured it's time to find someone to share it with. So that's why I'm dating." (Wow...so romantic *gags*)

"We should hang out again sometime." (Was this a date? Are we just friends? What the heck is going on? You literally didn't explain anything.)

Him: "I really like you."
Me: "I like you too. So, what now?"
Him: "I don't know. What do you think?"
Me: *cue disappointed explosion noises in brain*
(Please, on behalf of all girls everywhere, make an intentional plan before starting this conversation)

6. More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

Finally, to You...

To You, the creator and lover of my soul. The One source of steady reassurance and encouragement in my life. The One who's been there through it all. You help me pick up the pieces each time my heart is on the floor. You keep my hope alive, and give me the strength to keep trusting. You prove Your love to me over and over. In all the chaos and confusion, in all my doubts and anxiety, in every moment, the only person I want to be, the only title I want to have is... "Yours."

Being fully known and fully loved by You is the greatest gift I will ever receive. You're so unbelievably good to me. You know exactly what (and possibly who) my future holds. It's all in Your hands.

My prayers for that "who" have not changed, by the way... The prayers I write about here, and in my journals, and in letters. Whoever he is, he is drenched in prayer.

I know he won't be perfect. Neither will I. But we'll struggle together, and work at struggling well. We'll encourage each other towards You, or we'll do our best anyway. He probably won't be anything like I expect, but he'll make me incredibly thankful that it didn't work out with anyone else. We'll make each other laugh, make each other cry, and annoy the heck out of each other in the best ways.


They say that Hindsight is 20/20, and they're right. But even though what's behind me may seem dark and painful, it's nothing in comparison to the light ahead, because the light ahead is You, and You know what's in store for me. Your plans are always good. You are my yesterday. You are my today. And You are my abundance of tomorrows.

I trust You, Abba.



Sincerely "Yours,"

Aly

It Gets Better

Hello friends.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to start this post. This year has been a whirlwind. But the overwhelming truth that I keep coming back to is this...

Our good, wonderful, glorious God is so magnificently, unconditionally FAITHFUL.

If you've been reading my previous posts, you know that I've been in the depths of ministry burnout for about two years now, which came to a climax in the Fall/Winter of 2017. Feel free to go back and read those heart cries if you need to catch up on that whole situation. I didn't want to accept it then, but I can say with honesty now that I had been experiencing depression along with the burnout at that time as well. It was a series of dark days for me. I seriously thought I would never feel that beautiful passion burning inside me ever again. For theatre, for writing, for ministry. But, praise the Lord, that darkness is not where I remained.

Now, almost a year later, I am rejoicing!

God walked every step of this year right along side me, and proved to me time and again how vast his goodness and mercy really are. I'm more myself than I've ever been, and I couldn't have gotten here without the wake up call of hitting rock bottom, and having no choice but to look up. God truly turned my entire world upside down, and I've never been so thankful to have my plans pried from my fingers.

Last year my resolution was to "Lose Myself in God's Love." He brought that to fruition in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I didn't think it was beautiful at the time, though. I'd been stripped of every mask I used to wear, the comfort I used to cling to, hiding behind identities that weren't my own. Writer, Director, Ministry Leader, the list went on. And God tore those masks away from me one at a time, until all that was left at the end of last year was... me.

That isn't what I wanted. "Me" isn't what I wanted. Without those masks I became the girl who hadn't dealt with the pain that friends and past relationships had left behind, shoving it away to keep the feelings of worthlessness at bay. I became the girl who developed social anxiety from being bullied. The girl who smiled all day and said she was good just to avoid talking about how she had cried herself to sleep the night before, the weight of her stress being far too much for her to bear. Without those masks all I had was my pain.

And that pain is what God was trying to get to all along.

Over New Years, feeling at the very end of me and not capable of really "doing" anything, my resolution for 2018 was to simply "Abide In Him."

Honestly, abiding was all I could do. I was so exhausted, and I had no ways to please anyone that wouldn't totally drain my energy in an hour or less. All I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let him love me.

And that's exactly what he wanted all along.

In church they always tell you that "God's love isn't something we can ever earn." And we all smile and nod and say we agree. But do we really believe that statement? I thought I did. And then I learned, after 7 years of ministry, that I had believed one thing while simultaneously living in the opposite.

I believed that I could earn God's love. I could deserve it. "All those other people in my past hadn't thought me worthy of long-term love, but surely I could make God see that I was deserving of the sacrifice he had made for me!"

Flummadiddle!

I couldn't teach God how to love me anymore than I could teach a potato how to be a potato. A potato already IS a potato! And God already loves me as much as he ever could, with every ounce of unconditional love that he has!

And so, as I've spent this year abiding in his gracious love for me, I've found so much healing in taking the time to just simply be in awe. Do you ever do that? Just sit and allow yourself to be amazed by God?

Yesterday I went for a walk, and the air was a settling kind of warm, and the breeze was just strong enough to blow my hair back and kiss my skin, and the sky had just enough stars and clouds to look like pure artistry. I took off my shoes and stood in still, quiet water. My lungs filled with the blessed scent of dewy greenery. I could taste a coming rainstorm brewing in the breeze. I felt rocks under my toes.

That's something you truly miss when you go through burnout... Feeling. In the midst of that season, everything is numb. Food you used to enjoy has no taste. Joy and anger are just words. Everything is indifference and dull sorrow, and not knowing why.

Last night was one of the many times over the past several months where I quieted my heart and just allowed myself to feel. And I did. And what I found was pure, unhindered joy welling in my soul. In that moment, it was impossible for me not to marvel at God's majesty.

Remember that trail I was telling you about in a previous post? The one that God wanted me to pave? I think I found it. That trail he wants me to pave and explore is my relationship with him. What I'll find along the way, I have no idea.

But that's the exciting part, isn't it? We get to ADVENTURE, and GROW, and DISCOVER until the day we pass away. And then we'll stand in amazement as we look at the full tapestry that God used our lives to create. And it will be the most beautiful thing!

If you're someone experiencing depression, burnout, or some other struggle right now, don't stop fighting. God can use it, and he WILL use it. Not only that, but he'll bring a whole new season of light to you on the other side. You'll feel again. You'll hope again. You'll breathe again. Allow yourself the time to ache, and rest, and mourn over the broken pieces of the life you've lost. But then open your arms, sit in God's presence, and let him love on you!

Don't ever stop fighting for your purpose, your joy, your soul.

Even after you heal, you're still going to have days now and then when that exhaustion comes back. Listen to it! Rest when it comes, and take the time to really hear what your heart is telling you. But I promise it will improve with time, and those burnout days will get less and less frequent.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, and have been so good about checking in to make sure I'm okay. God has used you to heal my heart in more ways than you will ever know.

Now... I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow again. I'm ready to feel again. I'm ready to continue the adventure that God called me to so many years ago, applying all the new things I've learned along the way.

I'm ready.

Onward and Upward!

The Weight of the World

(Warning, there's a lot of reality below)

I'm not sure why I'm blogging today, or what I'll even write about...

Lately I can't help feeling like my home is falling apart.  I'm falling apart with it.  I keep reading quote after quote about trusting God, and I desperately want to.  But with each passing day I find that my faith isn't as strong as I wanted it to be.  Reading my Bible gets harder and harder.  I'm journaling more and more.  I'm annoyed with sunshine, and only seem to find comfort when it's raining, like today.  On the upside, my prayer life has never been so active.  Although most of it is just me asking why things aren't changing.

Songs like "Silhouette" by Owl City have become my go-to music of choice.  I know everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, but that reason is clouded in many shadows.  I know the more depressed and upset I allow myself to get, the more satan gets the upper hand.  But I don't know how to change it.  I'm in the center of a tornado.  I myself am doing alright, but everything around me is chaos.  And all I can think to do is write, sleep, and whisper to God for comfort, not necessarily in that order.

I know that this is all happening because my family is heavily involved in ministry.  As soon as we started this new project, I knew we were all in for (to replace a more accurate word that I would rather not use) one heck of a trip.  I just had no clue how bad it would actually get.  All around me walls are falling to the ground; walls that have taken lifetimes to build.  It's shattering me.

What's worse is everyone else involved in this project is experiencing the same thing.  Everyday I find out about another life that's falling to pieces.  Another world that shifting on it's axis, causing earthquakes all around.  Another change that's just too much to take.

We're worn.  We're damaged.  We're barely walking.

And yet God is relying on us to bear the weight of this story?  This stream of events and problems that are way beyond our understanding?  Or... at least they used to be.

Wow...

Maybe that's it.  In this film, this movie we're destroying ourselves to create, we cover a multitude of teenage problems.  Anxiety, depression, divorcing parents, self-harm, suicide, bullying, death and loss, addiction, pornography, and more.

Every single one of these topics has been experienced by our cast and crew over the past two months.  These are the very topics that are tearing us to shreds.  The tools and temptations that the devil has been using to turn our souls.  And here we are.

Talk about accurate portrayal.

We relate to these characters more than we realize, I think.  In this process, these characters have been our traveling companions.  And these characters will end up discovering what we have just been learning ourselves...

We cannot rely on ourselves to heal.

We can't even rely on each other.

The only One we can rely on to remove our tinted goggles, and reveal the true view of grace and love beyond, is the only One who's capable of doing it in the first place.

God.

In the past we've had other awful roads in order to reach positive results.  Some of the greatest points of impact this group has ever made were the projects that we "just wanted to get through."  Why would God allow this movie to be any different?  If the journey didn't carry so much pain, would we come out as close as our cast and crew have become?  Isn't it worth it when God is a god who can give our struggles purpose?

And maybe, just maybe, when people leave the theater after seeing this film, they'll come up to us and say we made a difference.  And if that happens maybe we'll be able to say, with tears of joy and humble hearts, that nothing in that film was of our own ability.  We'll listen to their stories of pain and brokenness, and actually be able to relate.  We'll introduce them to the real director of this film, and weep together as they get to know who Jesus is.  And maybe, for those who open up to us, they'll find that their night at the movies turned out to feel a lot more like church.  And maybe they'll walk to their cars with a weightlessness they've never experienced before.

And maybe, because of our struggles, they'll leave the theater that day bound for Heaven.

Isn't that why we're in this world in the first place?

Or have I forgotten that life isn't about me...

Maybe those walls that have been falling all around me are coming to ruin so that God can plant a garden in its place...


Father, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  When will I ever learn that Your plan is so much bigger than me?  When will I stop pretending that my very small knowledge, my three feet of spiritually nearsighted vision, is all that there is?  If You're an ocean, I'm a single drop of rain.  If You're the sky and the stars, I'm a feeble paper kite, trying my best to reach you but failing all the time.  If You're soaked into the depths of the earth, I am a blade of grass growing in your love, here today and gone tomorrow.  If You make up everything, I'm nothing at all.

But that's why you sent your Son to die on the cross.  I don't have to be nothing anymore.  You gave up Your everything so I could have a chance to be a little bit of something.

Knowing that, how could I possibly look at life with anything but wonder and awe?

You see my brokenness.  You see me when I'm invisible.  You always have.  You tell me it's ok to feel the way I do, but that I shouldn't worry.  You will never leave me or forsake me.

And the same goes for everyone else.

Omnipresent, eternally loving, unconditionally forgiving, Giver of life and light, Abba, Friend, Lover of my soul.  I have no reason to be afraid when you walk beside me.  So why do I tremble?

This film has been personally commissioned by the Creator of the universe.  Lord, You hold each scene, each crew and cast member, each individual moment in the palm of Your hand.  You have seen the end result.

You have already won.

I'm so done with being kicked while I'm down.  We're already bruised, bloodied, and struggling to get our lungs to inflate.  Then the devil hits us with another wave.  But it will not last.  The floodwaters will subside as soon as we've been strengthened enough to stand.  This is the cocoon; the refining fire that will brush away the ashes and leave us new creation.

You have a plan.  At the end of this we will be one step closer to who You are, and all the struggles will make sense.  All I ask is that, until then, you hold my hand.  Lead me in the way you want me to go.  I need a map, Lord.  Right now I'm turning every which way, but nothing looks familiar.  Show me where to walk, and I will.

Better yet, show all of us so that we can walk together.  Unified.  One team with one purpose, glorifying the One who gives us breath and revives us every morning.  That is our cause.

The prince of evil has no power.  His demons will not prevail.  YOU alone, Jesus, have victory!  And this time will be no different.  There's an entire book of stories proving it's true.  Every word of the Bible shows us the miraculous power of your mercy.

Keep opening our eyes to the truth.

100 Things I'm Thankful For...

This list was much harder to write than I thought it would be, and I'm not going to explain why I did it until the end.  You're just going to have to bear with me.  So, without further ado...

1. Quiet nights

2. The color blue

3. Possibilities

4. The ability to simply be

5. Relient K

6. The moment of calm after taking a deep breath

7. Rainy days

8. Sunday morning worship

9.  Fuzzy beanies

10. Every single thing about books

11. Tea

12. Peaceful mornings

13. Growing closer while laughing with my family

14. Growing closer after arguing with my family

15. Concerts that feel like church

16. Chocolate

17. Windy afternoons

18. Wading through a cold stream on a hot day

19. Seeing the glory of God everywhere

20. Random acts of kindness

21. The way someone's eyes look like 4th of July when talking about their passions

22. Sweaters

23. Being able to start over

24. Photographs (the printed kind)

25. Dreams for the future

26. Personal expression

27. Finding a word that perfectly describes how I feel

28. Old fashioned diners

29. Classic movie musicals

30. Creativity

31. Theatre nicknames, and the memories behind them

32. Social ballroom dances with friends

33. My imagination

34. God's unconditional love

35. Quaint shops

36. Finding something new to love

37. Being instantly swept into the pages of a new novel

38. Kindred spirits

39. Prayer

40. Pens and paper

41. The first step back on stage during tech week of a play

42. Bethany Dillon

43. Interesting characters that come to life in my head

44. Reaching the end of a hard road

45. Worship and prayer sessions in my car

46. Sleep

47. Opportunities to serve others

48. God's provision

49. Spontaneous day trips

50. Being half way through this list

51. Pinterest

52. Hugs

53. My Bible

54. Penny wishes in public fountains

55. Breathtaking watercolor skies

56. Exceeded expectations

57. Music

58. Playing a character on stage that is totally different than me

59. Steve Rodgers

60. The clarity that comes after a long journaling session

61. Hot showers

62. The moment when I know something was God, and can't stop smiling

63. Learning something new about myself

64. Photobooths

65. Long, handwritten letters

66. Bookstores

67. Happening upon a Bible verse that speaks right to my current situation

68. The feeling of finally dominating a new dance trick

69. Pain that makes me stronger

70. Beautiful hilltop views

71. Seeing new places

72. God staying with me through every situation

73. Getting new glasses and being able to see

74. Food

75. Living in a part of the world where Culver's exists

76. My dog

77. Long walks

78. The first time I feel my heart beginning to heal

79. Falling in love with who God made me to be all over again

80. Dancing and worshiping the Lord in the pouring rain on my driveway

81. Late night ice cream after a long day

82. Not having to have everything figured out

83. Loving someone despite their flaws

84. Being loved despite my flaws

85. Loving a God who has no flaws

86. New experiences

87. Glass-bottled sodas

88. Heartfelt conversations

89. Reaching the end of a big project

90. Reaching the beginning of a new project

91. Days at home by myself

92. Days surrounded by friends

93. Inspiring ministries that spread the Light

94. Christian radio stations

95. Meeting new people who are passionate about the same things

96. Dances with an equal guy to girl ratio (very rare, but they do exist)

97. The smell of old books

98. Knowing that God has a plan

99. People who call everything an adventure

And finally...

100. I'm thankful for still being able to write a list of things I'm thankful for, even on a really horrible day (just like my day was today).

You see, it's not our circumstances that should dictate whether or not we give thanks to God for all that we're blessed with.  Thankfulness is a trait we should emit even on our worst days.  In fact, in hard times it's even more important, because this is when satan will fight to make us feel low and unloved.  Don't let him.  Show him that God is good, and that you know what side you're on.  And show him by defiantly listing off all the ways your thankful, despite how badly you just want to complain.

All day I've been asking why... Why is my life where it is right now?  Why are these certain things happening to me?  Why can't I seem to do anything right?  But then I realized the only way to turn my day around was to ask a different question...

What can I do to give God praise when my circumstances are less than ideal?

Trust.  Be still.  And know that He is God.

Thankfulness.

Not easy, but worth it.  Yes, very worth it.

9 Ways to Beat The Early Stages of Anxiety and Depression

Note: Nothing in this post is clinically proven, and should not be treated as such.  But coming from someone who has dealt with small cases of depression and anxiety myself, these are some of the methods I've used to perk up or relieve some stress.

1. Seek the Lord through prayer and scripture.

I know, I know, you're most likely rolling your eyes from how cliche that sounds.  But I'm serious, it does help.  Very often, when we are in the midst of struggles, we feel like we're in a boxing match with the Invisible Man.  In a way, we are.  Satan is the one who puts pain in our lives.  God allows these battles so that we can grow, but it's still difficult to fight an opponent we can't see.  There's something satan doesn't know though: We're not alone in the ring.  God CAN see satan, and he will fight our battles for us if we only ask.  A good way to start is to pray by reading the Psalms aloud.  The book of Psalms is filled with praise and rejoicing, but it also has many heart cries and desperate prayers for peace between its pages.  Start there, and see what you find.

2. Identify a safe place.

Whether this is within the walls of a church, in a counselor's office, or one single person, having a safe place where you can talk openly about what your going through is a very important part of overcoming each particular struggle.  Most churches have mentors or small groups created specifically for the purpose of helping people overcome different difficulties they might have, with the desire to give them a safe refuge to talk and be accepted.  The only suggestion I have on this topic is to talk to someone you can trust, but who is not a person you are dating/you met online.  I would think this to be obvious, but talking to people you have never met in person about your problems is just a bad idea.  It's not as horrible to talk to a boyfriend/girlfriend about your struggles, but when it comes to advising you correctly it would be much harder for them to be truly honest with you for, again, obvious reasons.  And since you're only dating, it's not their job to counsel you. Make sure you confide in someone who will truly tell you what you need to hear, and will mentor you correctly.

3. Tea Tree Oil.

This might sound strange and random, but a few months ago I discovered the Tea Tree products from Trader Joe's and I'm absolutely in love with them.  I started using the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash in the shower, and it has done wonders for my anxiety.  It just has a really fresh, calming scent, and when you wash your hair with the shampoo and conditioner it leaves a cool, tingly, almost minty sensation, like a massage for your scalp.  I also got the face cleansing wipes recently as well, and I use them to relieve some stress during the day.  It's definitely worth a try.

4. Essential Oils/Wax Melters.

Did you know that different smells can affect your mood?  I didn't until I started utilizing some aromatherapy.  My mom and dad got me a portable travel kit with three roller-ball bottles for my Birthday a year or two ago, and they're amazing.  They have oil mixtures that help you sleep, perk you up, ease motion sickness, and, the one I got most recently, help you de-stress.  I've also used wax melters, which aren't as specific in what their scents can help, but adding the fragrance of something you love to your space is enough to make anyone smile.

5. Get a change of scenery.

My struggle with anxiety is often made worse by repetition.  The same activities, same walls, same places, same roads, it's like pacing back and forth every day all day long.  See something new!  A new store, new city, new park, even a new person!  Invite someone over that you've wanted to talk to, but haven't gotten the chance yet.  Also, this one might not make sense at first, but get new walls!  Just like different smells can affect your mood, so can colors.  If staring at the same walls is driving you crazy, research the science of color and paint your walls something that will ease your mind a little bit.

6. Add some purpose!

Honestly, I cannot stress this enough.  If you feel like you have no purpose, or you are too anxious to go out and find one, things are only going to get worse.  This is when anxiety begins to turn into depression.  FIND SOME PURPOSE.  And this isn't nearly as scary or hard as it sounds because, guess what, if your heart is still beating and your lungs are still breathing then you currently have a purpose RIGHT NOW.  What I mean when I say to FIND a purpose is that you need to discover something that makes you feel needed.  There are a few different ways to do that...

• Become needed.  Oftentimes when you feel needed by someone, that need they have will become more important than your anxiety.  That's when you're on your way to overcoming it.  Volunteer at a kids club, work at a retirement home, fight against human trafficking, help in your church, mentor someone younger than you, get a sponsor child, be a friend.  The list goes on and on.  The only struggle here is taking the leap.  From there you're on the up and up.
• Start a collection.  I know that sounds weird and small, but it really does help.  I started collecting pens a few years ago, just getting them from different places I've been in and out of town for memory sake, and I'm almost to 100 pens!  The best part is that each and every one has a memory attached to it of why I love life.  I get to think about that every time I write with them.
• Make something!  A blog, a youtube channel, a scrapbook, a novel, a scarf.  It doesn't matter what it is, just create art everyday!  Art in itself is extremely therapeutic, no matter what the form.  Find a form that fits your taste and go for it!

7. Journal AMAP (As Much As Possible)

Believe me, writing down your thoughts is a totally transforming and simple way to sort your thoughts, and I promise it will help.  Especially if you write directly to God.  I have trouble focusing when I pray out loud or in my head, but I could journal with God for hours.  Some days I can sit and write for pages and pages about one topic, and then I end up finding out something new and beautiful about myself every time.  Just...just do it.  You'll thank yourself later.  It also helps to look back on old journals.  In the past you didn't think you would make it out of all kinds of situations, but looking back from the present you'll notice fragments of exactly how God was with you every step of the way.  The same thing will happen to you with what you're going through right now.

8. Make tea.

Not just drinking tea, but also simply the process of making tea is said to have a calming affect.  Also, the different herbs in various teas have different results when it comes to your emotional state.  Look up the health benefits of teas and their ingredients and find one that works for your struggle.  When those soothing aromas go drifting by, you'll be one step closer to a peaceful atmosphere.

And finally...

9. Find comfort in knowing that it's totally ok to not be ok.

Jesus himself experienced sadness, fear, and anxiety.  These are simply emotions, just like joy, anticipation, and compassion.  The only difference is what you do with them.  Jesus used his pain to relate to people, and turned a negative situation into a positive ministry.  By finding an outlet of outreach, he automatically took the power away from his pain, and instead began feeding into the joy of others.  Sometimes the bad things that happen to us are the best motivators to reach out to people and help them see their circumstances through different eyes.

What helps you with depression or anxiety?  Have some things worked better than others?  Look up what the Bible says about these topics.  There's a lot more than you think!

My Loving List Of Little Things To Live For

Some days the hardest thing to do is "just keep swimming".  This life is insane, and crazy, and maddening, and it's easy to feel like you're drowning.  But, you know what, in the midst of all this madness...

Life can also be so beautiful.

The other day I was just sitting, thinking about all the little ways that life is lovely, and it lit up my day so much that I decided to share these small beauties with you.  Without further ado, here are the things that make my world shine a little brighter.

The temporary high that comes from honest, belly-aching, tear-jerking laughter.

Finally curling up in bed after a long day.

The sound of boiling water in a kettle, which means you're one step closer to that hot beverage.

Warm sweaters on cold days.

Soup.  Just soup.

Finding someone who loves that one obscure thing as much as you do, when you thought you were alone, and you both burst with the joy of finally being able to talk about it.

Discovering something you're good at, no matter how small that thing is.

Making up after an argument, and realizing how much you love that person all over again.

Every single thing about rainy days.

Dancing.  By yourself, with friends, on stage, in the grocery store.  

Hearing a song for the first time that just meets you exactly where you are.

Your whole family being at home at the same time.

Sparkling misty mornings and cool starry nights.

Roasting marshmallows on a chilly evening, and then falling asleep smelling like a campfire.

The first snow after fall.

The first warm day after winter.

Apple orchards.

Small towns with quaint little shops.

Old movies.

Hearing married couples talk about their love story together.

Colorfully painted skies.

Conquering a fear, no matter how big or small.

Staying up late because you and a family member got talking about life and lost track of the time.

When you notice something that was hard for you is finally getting easier.

Going for a prayer walk on a windy day, and feeling God whisper to you through the tree branches.

When you really enjoy being with someone, and you realize for the first time that they really enjoy being with you too.

Watching your favorite movie and knowing every line.

Introducing a friend to something you love, and they end up loving it too.

Any answer to prayer, even if it's not the answer you expected.

Being amazed at God's love for you for the first time all over again.

When someone asks how you are and truly wants to know.

Experiencing the sights of a brand new place for the first time.

The warm familiarity of the first step back inside your house after going on vacation.

When a book gets so good that your imagination replaces the words with images.

Being able to provide someone with something they needed.

When a spontaneous project actually turns out well.

Making someone smile.

Meeting someone that inspires you.

Making peace with yourself again.

When the words come out just right.

Feeling like you need to cry, but can't.  And then someone hugs you and let's you vent, like they read your mind.

When you wait patiently (or sometimes not so patiently) for something, and God provides.

The smell of your favorite food.

When they accidentally make your coffee one size bigger than you asked for.

A kept promise.

Using the human ability to sing whenever and wherever you possibly can.  Especially in the car with the radio blasting.  Especially when you know your voice is off pitch, but don't care.

The first day you start getting over a cold, and learn to appreciate the ability to breathe, smell, and taste all over again.

Creating art, no matter how badly done, simply because the passion was bursting inside you.

Finding a verse in the Bible that relates perfectly to your situation.

Looking back to finally see the good that came from the bad, and how God placed everything perfectly.



Realizing just how fortunate you really are...

The Creative Soul's Guide To Getting In The Word

If I had to name one of the biggest struggles I've had in my faith journey so far, it would be this one.  The Bible is a beautiful piece of living artwork that God gave us as a connection to him, and in this troubled world, it's one mighty large breath of fresh air.  However, if we're honest, how often do we actually WANT to take advantage of that free oxygen?  I'm a creative-minded being with some ADD and anxiety, which makes it extremely difficult to sit down and focus on the Living Word of God sometimes.  Ok...most of the time.

This year, I wanted that to finally change, but I still didn't know how.

How could I get more interested, and even excited, about something that I've always struggled with?  The answer came to me in the most unexpected of places:

Pinterest.

Apparently there are other creatives out there who have also been looking for a new approach.  And they found it.  A way to see the Bible with new eyes, and fall in love with it in a deep and personal way.  It's called Bible Art, and it's one of the most beautiful forms of worship I've ever experienced.  I've been doing Bible Art for a few months now, and now taking the time to do devotions in the morning is not only an easy choice, it's insanely enjoyable!  God has taught me so much through this brand new approach, and so that's what I'm going to show you today.

Keep in mind, none of these are my actual artwork.  I might post some of my own in a later post, but not today.


- Bible Journaling -

Bible Journaling is the wide-spread title for this style of worship.  It involves creating imagery on a page that helps you better pick apart the portion of scripture that you're studying.  If you're a visual learner like I am, this can be so helpful.  Especially when some scripture is harder to understand.  Once you research that section and grasp some of the meaning, you can create an image to help you remember what you've learned.  The actual act of making the artwork is also extremely therapeutic, and it's a great opportunity to encourage spending more time on devotions than we usually do.





You can also use various techniques to make notes on your page.  There are a lot of different choice artist tools you can use for Bible Art.  My favorite way to Bible Journal is by using a pack of stamp ink pads that I got at a craft store.  Nothing fancy, just the cheap brand.  I spray some water onto a paint brush or a sponge brush with a squirt bottle, dry it off a little bit, and then dab it on the stamp pad.  It creates almost a watercolor type of look on the page, without bleeding through the thin paper like paint does.




- Get Creatively Portable -

I don't have this personally yet, but I found this idea today and I'm seriously thinking about making one.  If there's one thing that makes devotions hard for me, it's that I'm so busy, and sometimes I don't have all the writing utensils I need to bring my Bible with me on the go.  This pouch could be easily made with a regular pencil pouch and a flat headband.  It would make doing devotions in other places so much easier, especially on trips or on vacation.  Not to mention just going to church.  So cool!




- Bible Journaling Notebook -

Worried about not being able to fit all of your notes or artwork in your Bible?  No problem!  Designate a special notebook just for that purpose.  Keep it by your Bible and use it to mark down all your thoughts while you read.  Even better, if you have a special chair or other spot that you usually like to read in, keep a cup of fun markers and colored pens there so that they're ready to go next time you do devotions.

- Washi Tape -

If you decide to start doing Bible Art, Washi Tape will be your best friend (second to Jesus, of course).  It's very adhesive, but easily removable when lifted with care, which is perfect for thin Bible pages!  Plus, it comes in a plethora of different colors and patterns, so finding a tape to fit the personality that God has given you will not be hard, I promise!  It's especially nice for taping memoirs, notes, or separate artwork into your Bible.

Use different patterns and colors to mark the books of the Bible, or other sections that you want to find easily!  In my Bible I used a strip of Washi Tape to mark the separating page between the Old and New Testament, and it worked super well.  

Deck it out!  Washi Tape makes a great background for sticker art, or a boarder if you just want to outline a specific verse.

There are so many different ways Washi Tape can be used for Bible Journaling, so get creative!  It's even a great way to put tabs in your Bible so that you can personalize what they say and where they're placed.  The possibilities are endless!

- For The Less Artistically Inclined  -

If you aren't too comfortable with your free-hand artwork (like myself), there are still lots of ways to spend some time with God through the beauty of creativity.  Firstly, stamps, stencils, and stickers are going to be the way to go for you.  Whether you print off stencils and cut them out, make your own stamps out of household objects, or purchase specific designs for the section of scripture you're on, you'll find plenty of ways to express your artistic side in the pages of your Bible.  If you're still lacking confidence, purchase a second Bible from a thrift store and make it your "test Bible" to make sure what you have planned will turn out well.

You can also spew your art on a separate piece of paper and use some Washi Tape to place it in your Bible.  This is a fantastic option for those of you who are a little freaked out by the idea of only having one chance to get a good look from the design you want to put on the page.

- Just Make It Personal -

The most important thing to remember is the reason you're making this artwork in the first place.  It's not to make your Bible "pretty".  Doing this is to help your creative mind see the Living Word as more peaceful and approachable.  It's to take the stress out of devotions and make it a time to focus on the individuality that God created you with.  I guarantee that if you make that your focus, your Bible will turn out to be pretty anyway, no matter how good (or bad) of an artist you are.  Use it as a chance to really dive deep into discovering who God really is, and the purpose he has for you.  Learn, grow, breathe, and create in the presence of the original creative mind.  He invented the first works of art, so let him use art to teach you all about the good work he's doing in you!

                             

Do you participate in the beauty of Bible Journaling and Bible Art?  I would love to see it!  Send me what you've been working on and what it's been teaching you.  

You can find more ideas for Bible Art by looking it up on Pinterest and Youtube!