Understand

The past couple weeks have been...a struggle, to say the least. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to maintain routine and avoid depression. A struggle to see myself through God's eyes, instead of my own very critical ones. I lost a friend to suicide two weeks ago, and the wonderful dog I had since I was ten had to be put down around the same time. I was confronted by a wave of deep hurt from a source that I can't even talk about, which has brought about flashbacks of the bullying I went through in middle and high school. I'm not gonna lie, the past couple months have been months filled with soul searching and wondering who Aly is even meant to be.

Tonight I finally sat down to wear my heart on my sleeve with God for a while. I didn't know what I was expecting, but writing has been a fight too recently, so I was definitely surprised when the beginnings of a poem drifted to the forefront of my mind...

Growing up with my own insecurities, several bullies, a few crappy boyfriends, and some opinionated relatives has resulted in a profound lack of trust that remains buried deep within me. It takes an extremely long time for me to believe someone isn't going to just up and leave without telling me why. Thanks to some incredible friendships that have formed over the past few years, I'm a lot better at the whole trust thing than I used to be. But every once in a while it still rears its ugly head.

This week was a climax.

I don't know if anyone will relate to this poem... I don't even know why I'm allowing my heart to bleed all over the internet like this tonight... I guess it feels like the right thing to do. Even just simply because I want to be real.

I don't want to hide. And I want others to know that they don't have to hide either.

I'm babbling now, but there's the context for you. So, without further delay...



"Understand"

Understand

I'm only me when I'm alone

And only the lonely me knows

The broken pieces others left behind

They've called me stained glass

Using art to distract from my brokenness

And color to cover

The gray in my soul

They've called me a reflection

Giving to others only what I receive

And conforming so well

That the only and lonely me shatters

They've called me adulteress

One who flirts with a passing stream

And winks at love with such intensity

That I feel nothing at all

I am weak and numb

I am stubborn and emotional

I have so much dangerous ambition

That I accomplish nothing at all

Understand

I don't stop being afraid

It lives, walks, breathes in my bones

Where I am, there fear will be also.

I live in water so deep

My neck aches from reaching

And my heels won't touch the rock below

Living is essential, breathing is optional

Breathing is required for sleep

So I don't

Instead I sit and think

Mostly of You

And then I write

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that would make their blood boil

Hope and hurt and tears

And then I feel

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that make my blood boil

Pain and passion and tears

And then I pray

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made Your blood boil

Grace and glory and tears

Understand

I'm never not a mess

I eat disaster for breakfast

And emulate it the rest of the day

I try so hard to be unique

That I end up like everyone else

I attempt to convince You to love me

When You already do

I run in circles and think in squares

I weep in my weakness and long to be held

I fall on my sword for love that brings ruin

I offer resistance to love that brings peace

And it's true.

Understand

I need You

Do not let this harden my only and lonely heart

Not again

As I diminish, grow

As confusion abounds, clarify

As the ache settles, reassure

As I mourn those still living, be my solace

Tell me stories

Terrible things, wonderful things

Things that made your blood boil

Love and longing and tears

Weep with me

Dance with me

Ache with me

Laugh with me

I may not understand

The terrible things, the wonderful things

But You do

And Yours is the only voice that matters

Because in a world of misunderstandings

My only and lonely heart

Is perfectly understood

In You

A Day In The Life Of Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

If you or someone you know has anxiety of any kind, you know what confusion is like. I can say that because I have social anxiety, and it's a part of my daily struggle. We are confusing people. We're painfully aware of that truth, believe me. That's why I want to help.

Believe it or not, helping someone with anxiety is simple. It all comes down to helping us train our brains. That sounds weird, I know. But conditioning an anxiety brain to know it's safe when you're near is the secret to a calm, happy anxiety friend.

Before I go into that, though, it's important that you see life through our very specific set of eyes.

Here's what a typical day looks like with an anxiety brain...

I just woke up. My neck, shoulders, and back are sore. It was a stressful day yesterday, and I must have been tensing up again. (Sometimes we can go a whole day with constantly tensed up muscles and not even know it. It's our normal.)

I know I should eat breakfast, but I'm too nervous. There's too much to get done. I need to make sure I succeed today, or I'll start spiraling. I have to mentally prepare before I call about setting up my routine dental appointment today, I don't want to say something idiotic and mess up. I'll just grab a granola bar and call it good. (It's different for everyone, but for social anxiety phone calls are usually the absolute worst. If an anxiety brain can talk on the phone with you and feel comfortable, congratulations, you have been accepted into the circle! I think I can name about 7 people I can talk on the phone to without having to psych myself up first. My parents, my siblings, and one of my cousins.)

Then I'm meeting with a friend later, so I need to think through a mental list of conversation topics. I don't want to leave things silent for too long or they'll think I'm awkward. I also need to think through every possible scenario of what could go wrong so I can prepare accordingly. I don't want to seem lonely, but I still want them to know I want to be there. I don't want to seem clingy, but I don't want to be distant either. I also don't want to offend them by accident. I've been hurt, and I don't ever want to be the source of someone else's pain. I'll have to be super careful. (This is often why people with anxiety are introverts. It takes a lot of energy and effort to talk to people. Especially for social anxiety.)

I finished my phone call, and I didn't mess up. Mental high five! Now I'm at the grocery store. All the self checkouts are closed, so I have to use a normal lane. I hope I don't say something stupid to the cashier. I'll say only what I absolutely have to, and then leave. Hopefully there's a self checkout open next time. (I pretty much only use self checkouts when the option is available. And no, it's not because I'm trying to put cashiers out of a job, so stop bringing that up, please.)

As I'm looking at my to do list for the day, I see my email list, and notice that there are several emails piled up in my work account. There are also several messages on facebook that I haven't had time to answer, and I should start somewhere so people don't think I'm ignoring them. Oh no... I shouldn't have opened my emails. I forgot about that project I was supposed to submit yesterday. They must think I'm an awful person. I feel terrible. I don't want to be bad at my job. It's too much... I failed. I won't get it all done. Why do I even try when I always mess up? (At this point I can feel my heart rate increasing. Something so simple, and yet my brain has just told my body it's in danger. Fight or flight is activated, and adrenaline is released into my body. My thoughts become blurred and unclear. My chest simultaneously feels like there is a balloon full of moths on the inside, and a boulder on the outside. If it's really bad, and I've had a hard enough week, I might starting having shallower and more sporadic breathing.)

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. How do I calm down? I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm by myself. Just focus...focus... You can't do this right now, you need to drive home so your ice cream doesn't melt. Focus on that. No melty ice cream. That's the goal. (It might sound ridiculous, but oftentimes having a simplified, single goal to focus on in an anxiety attack is the very thing that helps us function through it. Someone once told me to start praying for a friend when this happens as well, and that helps a lot to distract and center the racing thought process of Fight Or Flight mode. Sometimes I'll recite Psalm 139 to myself. Using focus techniques to stop an anxiety attack is called "grounding," and the best thing for grounding is Jesus.)

Okay, I made it home. I should eat something, and then I'll stretch or watch a show for a while. I'll make some green tea. Maybe I'll read. I can't answer my emails now. I'm too frazzled and I might make a mistake. I'll do it later. (Believe it or not, procrastination is a sign of anxiety. We put things off because we feel we can never live up to the perfection we hope for the project to achieve, or we worry that we'll never be satisfied with it ourselves, so it's really hard for us to start or truly finish anything. That's why I'm a perfectionist personality who almost always has a messy room. I have to clean it all in one day, or it's not worth it.)

I messaged my friend to ask if we were still getting together today. I also asked how their struggles with their family have been going. They saw my message, but they're not replying. Should I have not asked? Did I say something wrong? Maybe they don't even want to see me today. They're probably just tolerating me. Or maybe they only get together with me because they don't have any other options for friends. I know I worry about things a lot, so maybe that's why? I wish I knew what they were thinking. Why won't they text back? Why am I like this? I shouldn't think about things this way. I don't blame them if they hate me... (This sounds extreme, but it's not. This is my thought process. My anxiety is sourced from rejection and abandonment situations with friendships and relationships that happened when I was in middle and high school. Situations where people I got really, deeply close to left me behind without telling me why. They just stopped communicating with me, avoided talking to me in person, and wouldn't tell me what happened when I asked. So I tend to associate silence with abandonment. Even if that's far from the truth, and I know that, that's just what my brain does.)

I've been staring at my phone, waiting for a reply that probably won't come, because they must hate me for some unknown reason. Suddenly I become aware of a deep soreness in my neck, shoulders, and jaw. I had been clenching my teeth together for the past hour, and I hadn't even noticed. I have to force my jaw to relax. It really aches, now, but that's normal. (This happens so much. I'm never truly relaxed. I find myself clenching my jaw a lot when I'm having a bad anxiety day.)

My thoughts are spinning. Everyone hates me. I can't get my work in on time. I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling overwhelmed. And now I'm spiraling. I know I'm spiraling. I know these thoughts aren't true. But what if they are? Isn't it better to be aware and in pain than to be happily oblivious? Why do I do this to myself? (Oftentimes, anxiety isn't triggered by one event. It's usually triggered by many compiled thoughts, which is why it's harder to predict when an anxiety attack is going to take place than a panic attack, which are more pointed and situation based.)

Now a family member is speaking to me. They're asking me if I completed that small task that they asked me to do earlier. I snap at them that I hadn't gotten the chance yet. I don't know why I'm angry. My mistakes are not their fault. Adrenaline is still in my system, so I have energy that has nowhere to go. I can feel that energy building in my chest. My heart rate increases again. They're surprised at my outburst and get frustrated, since they were only asking a simple question. I should apologize, and tell them about my day, but I'm embarrassed about how little overwhelms me, and I don't want to admit it. So I get mad. I don't know what I'm mad about, I just am. The build up of tension releases, and I explode. This sparks an argument that could have been easily defused if I would have just told the truth earlier, but I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles. (90% of the time, when I get mad it's because of something going on behind the scenes, and not because of the situation directly in front of me. I'm not good at owning up to the things that are bothering me, especially because anxiety makes me feel so small.)

Once the argument is over, I isolate myself for an hour or so, just until I can calm down. Then I feel terrible. That argument was ridiculous. I just ruined someone else's day. I'm so selfish. Why am I so selfish? I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't. So why am I? I go to the family member and apologize. We hug, and things are fine again. I complete the task they asked me about in the first place. (Explosions and arguments often happen when I don't get the chance to calm down after an anxiety attack. I need to get better at communicating this to people, but it's hard. I don't like owning up to the problem.)

Meanwhile, my friend has replied to my message. They're excited to get together, and tell me they can't wait. They had been in an area without phone service, which is why it took them a while to reply. We plan where we're going to meet. I go through "socialization protocol" in my head one more time before I go to meet them. We end up having an amazing time. When I get home, I think through everything I said with my friend. The only sentences that come to mind are ones that I thought might have sounded dumb. I dwell on these sentences for several days, maybe weeks, and sometimes even apologize for them. Usually the friend doesn't even remember me saying the thing that I was dwelling on. (I still lay awake in the middle of the night thinking of dumb things I said when I was in elementary school. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's my reality.)

Well... There you go...

There's a taste of what our day typically looks like. Now, this is a more extreme scenario. Having all of these examples take place on the same day would be considered a really bad anxiety day. And this day would be the result of me not taking care of myself, or not taking my usual precautions. When I eat regular meals, sleep right, and take proper care of my mental and emotional health my anxiety tends to be a lot better. That's a daily process, though. I also have certain breathing techniques, supplements, and other tricks that help keep my anxiety under control. Before I realized I had social anxiety, though, days like this happened often.

I'm planning to write a part two to this post about how to best help the anxiety brain you know. Once I write that, the link will go here...

How To Help Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

For now, though, I hope you found this helpful in itself! Anxiety is nothing to be afraid of or shy away from in a friendship. In fact, some of the most loving, considerate, big-hearted people I know are people with anxiety. We know what it's like to be alone, so we go out of our way to make sure people never feel that way.

I didn't at first, but over the years I've come to see my anxiety as a superpower. Without it, I don't think I would appreciate the friends I have as much. Anytime someone shows me deep unconditional love, I'm pleasantly surprised and eternally impacted by their willingness to stick around. People leaving is normal. People staying is beautiful.

Without anxiety, I never would have started writing. The worlds, and characters, and stories I've had the blessing to create because of this illness are a greater gift than I can even comprehend. And it's because of that writing that I was able to start creating original plays and skits, which is something I still do to this day. I even got to watch one of those plays come to life last fall.

I still pray that God will take my anxiety from me. Mostly because I notice how it negatively impacts those around me. But I also understand if he doesn't. Some of the most beautiful stories are woven with pain and struggle, but they have hope as well.

As Jesus said in the garden before he was arrested, "Father, take this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Sometimes God purposefully allows pain to remain in our lives. And it's because of love that he does this. Only he can see the ending. He wrote it. And he knows exactly what plot points will help us accomplish his beautiful, unique, blessed plan for us.

Anxiety is hard, frustrating, and exhausting, but it's led me through green pastures. It's placed me beside still waters. It's a tool that God has used to restore and refresh my soul on multiple occasions. It's also helped me reach out and relate to others who feel alone, and that's worth it's weight in gold.

Do you struggle with anxiety? How has God used it in your life, and the lives of others? 

What Adults Don't See: The Problem Is Never The Problem

"What is your problem?"

It's a fair enough question.  Everyone has one. In fact, I'm extremely willing to bet that everyone has several. There's just the difference between those who honestly admit it, and those who don't.

I'm one of those people who admits it. The one that everyone dreads asking the "How are you?" question, because they know I'll answer honestly.  If I'm not okay, I will tell you flat out. I don't have secrets.  As a youth leader and theatre director I make every effort in the world to be as real as possible, and being an open book seems to be the best way to do that.

The thing about being an open book... It's contagious.

A little while ago I wrote about working in youth ministry, and several lessons I've learned from it. One of those lessons involved vocabulary words that have become a part of my everyday conversations. Self-harm. Anorexia. Depression. Pornography. Anxiety. PTSD. Suicide. The list goes on and on. And what I've found over the years is that there's one thing all of these words have in common.

These words are not the problem.

Parents tell me all the time how their teen is acting out/hiding away/always searching for something more.

"I just don't know why they're clinging so hard to this unhealthy relationship."

"They're so angry all the time for no reason."

"We've tried every preventative measure and punishment, but they can't get past this addiction."

I hate to tell you this, but Jack Sparrow might have actually been right about something: "The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem."

When young adults are struggling through emotional baggage, gripping tightly to unhealthy habits/relationships, and becoming self-destructive, it's not a disease. The words in that list up there are not a diagnosis. They're a symptom.

Here's an example...

Say you have a brain tumor. It's there, it's growing, it inhibits the functionality of your daily life, and you're well aware that it exists. But instead of searching for a treatment for the original issue, you take a variety of medications to suppress the pains associated with that issue. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Not even close.

In fact, the longer you go along ignoring the tumor, the more it will grow, and the worse the symptoms will become.

I've known parents who found out that their teen had depression and was suicidal, and instead of offering compassion and seeking the source of the issue, reacted with anger. Some of the parents I've encountered even separated their child from our team of counselors when we tried to help them, grounding the teen from social situations and communication devices, and isolating them even further.

Let me be very clear: This is not the answer.

Separating the youth from positive social situations and denying the problem exists does not lead to a solution, it makes you an enabler.

If a teen you know is struggling with some sort of problem mentality, you have much bigger things to worry about than the initial situation. In every case I've seen, something much deeper was going on. These youth were dying inside long before the signs began to surface. This is where much more important words enter the picture.

Bullying. Emotional and physical abuse. Loss of a loved one. Divorce. Abandonment. Traumatic experience. Anything that might have altered the teens life in a dramatic way that they had no control over.

This is where the disease is found.

Now, I'm not saying it's a consistent rule that there's always something more going on behind the scenes when these symptoms appear. But in almost 8 years of youth ministry, I have yet to encounter a young adult situation where this didn't turn out to be the case. Thankfully, there is a solution...

Get to the source.

Now, those four words have more than one meaning. And each meaning is just as crucial as the others for getting to a cure. In my experience, these are the measures that improve and even prevent harmful situations from taking place.

1. The Source of the Emotion

When an initial outburst of unusual emotion happens, please, PLEASE do not revert to accusing the youth of "just wanting attention." I can't even tell you how damaging this is. Nine times out of ten there is something so much deeper going on. Every time you pull out the attention card you're telling the youth in question that you are not a person they can ever feel safe opening up to. The youth is going to lose respect for you, cling more tightly to their negative behavior, and will start seeking out other (most likely less moral) sources of comfort and trust.

Instead, try to get to the source of the behavior. Why do they seek out this habit/addiction/relationship? What need is it filling for them (and what is something positive that could fill that need instead)? When was the inciting incident that set this in motion?

And if the source of the issue happens to involve you in a negative way, LISTEN. Do not react with immediate harshness and anger. Calmly hear them out, ask questions about how the situation can be made better. Compromise. In other words, please, BE THE ADULT.

Put simply, react the way you would want your teen to react if roles were reversed and you brought a fault to their attention. Be respectful, attentive, and make an effort to understand their thoughts rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.

2. The Source of the Symptom

Once the source of the initial emotion is discovered, you can work toward a solution to the symptoms. When did depression start becoming more prevalent in their life? If drugs and alcohol are a bandage, where's the wound? What brought on their distrust in adult relationships, and caused them to start disrespecting authority? Find out their logic behind it.

Trust me, in most cases it doesn't take a PHD to get teens to open up. All it takes is someone who's willing to listen without immediately judging them or telling them their problem "could be worse." To them, the problem already is worse. All they want is someone to talk to about it.

Again, this takes calm listening skills, patience, and a gentle nature. Don't rush them to open up. Don't force them into telling you. Just respectfully ask the questions and allow them to tell you in their own time (it'll be sooner than you think, I promise).

No matter the attitude you're getting, the young person has most likely already considered needing help and advice in their situation, and are simply searching out the right person to approach by process of elimination. When they're finally ready to open up, make sure you're the person they feel safe with, instead of the person who will immediately default to anger and problem-solving.

Make the person more important than the problem.

3. The Source of True Healing

At the center of everything, what your youth needs more than anything is prayer. Lift them up to God daily. Ask that the Lord will surround them with people who can uplift and encourage them in the right ways when you aren't able to. Make sure your youth knows that you and God will both love them no matter what choices they make.

Seriously, that last one is super important.

So many young people think love from the adults in their life is conditional. Any overstepping of boundaries or doing something worthy of disappointment and they suddenly feel like they'll only be tolerated by their family for the rest of their lives. This isn't an exaggeration. So many teens feel this way, and it breaks my heart.

Let them know, before it's too late, that your love for them is unconditional instead of the alternative. Reassure them constantly that you're there for them no matter what. Remind them that you're there to walk with them through the storms, and that God is in control. Give them every opportunity to know that you are a safe place, a source of solid ground, and that you're willing to fight for them in every kind of storm.


I know I'm a young, unmarried person who has no parenting experience, so I understand if you have some reservations about heeding this advice. I only hope that you test these waters for yourself. Interview the teens in your life and find out if this process of assistance is something they would find beneficial.

I'm so very thankful for the young people that God has placed in my social circle. I consider them dear friends and family, and watching them grow is such a major blessing. I hope you have the chance to experience that joy!

I hope you all have a blessed week. Keep changing the world one step at a time!

It Gets Better

Hello friends.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to start this post. This year has been a whirlwind. But the overwhelming truth that I keep coming back to is this...

Our good, wonderful, glorious God is so magnificently, unconditionally FAITHFUL.

If you've been reading my previous posts, you know that I've been in the depths of ministry burnout for about two years now, which came to a climax in the Fall/Winter of 2017. Feel free to go back and read those heart cries if you need to catch up on that whole situation. I didn't want to accept it then, but I can say with honesty now that I had been experiencing depression along with the burnout at that time as well. It was a series of dark days for me. I seriously thought I would never feel that beautiful passion burning inside me ever again. For theatre, for writing, for ministry. But, praise the Lord, that darkness is not where I remained.

Now, almost a year later, I am rejoicing!

God walked every step of this year right along side me, and proved to me time and again how vast his goodness and mercy really are. I'm more myself than I've ever been, and I couldn't have gotten here without the wake up call of hitting rock bottom, and having no choice but to look up. God truly turned my entire world upside down, and I've never been so thankful to have my plans pried from my fingers.

Last year my resolution was to "Lose Myself in God's Love." He brought that to fruition in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I didn't think it was beautiful at the time, though. I'd been stripped of every mask I used to wear, the comfort I used to cling to, hiding behind identities that weren't my own. Writer, Director, Ministry Leader, the list went on. And God tore those masks away from me one at a time, until all that was left at the end of last year was... me.

That isn't what I wanted. "Me" isn't what I wanted. Without those masks I became the girl who hadn't dealt with the pain that friends and past relationships had left behind, shoving it away to keep the feelings of worthlessness at bay. I became the girl who developed social anxiety from being bullied. The girl who smiled all day and said she was good just to avoid talking about how she had cried herself to sleep the night before, the weight of her stress being far too much for her to bear. Without those masks all I had was my pain.

And that pain is what God was trying to get to all along.

Over New Years, feeling at the very end of me and not capable of really "doing" anything, my resolution for 2018 was to simply "Abide In Him."

Honestly, abiding was all I could do. I was so exhausted, and I had no ways to please anyone that wouldn't totally drain my energy in an hour or less. All I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let him love me.

And that's exactly what he wanted all along.

In church they always tell you that "God's love isn't something we can ever earn." And we all smile and nod and say we agree. But do we really believe that statement? I thought I did. And then I learned, after 7 years of ministry, that I had believed one thing while simultaneously living in the opposite.

I believed that I could earn God's love. I could deserve it. "All those other people in my past hadn't thought me worthy of long-term love, but surely I could make God see that I was deserving of the sacrifice he had made for me!"

Flummadiddle!

I couldn't teach God how to love me anymore than I could teach a potato how to be a potato. A potato already IS a potato! And God already loves me as much as he ever could, with every ounce of unconditional love that he has!

And so, as I've spent this year abiding in his gracious love for me, I've found so much healing in taking the time to just simply be in awe. Do you ever do that? Just sit and allow yourself to be amazed by God?

Yesterday I went for a walk, and the air was a settling kind of warm, and the breeze was just strong enough to blow my hair back and kiss my skin, and the sky had just enough stars and clouds to look like pure artistry. I took off my shoes and stood in still, quiet water. My lungs filled with the blessed scent of dewy greenery. I could taste a coming rainstorm brewing in the breeze. I felt rocks under my toes.

That's something you truly miss when you go through burnout... Feeling. In the midst of that season, everything is numb. Food you used to enjoy has no taste. Joy and anger are just words. Everything is indifference and dull sorrow, and not knowing why.

Last night was one of the many times over the past several months where I quieted my heart and just allowed myself to feel. And I did. And what I found was pure, unhindered joy welling in my soul. In that moment, it was impossible for me not to marvel at God's majesty.

Remember that trail I was telling you about in a previous post? The one that God wanted me to pave? I think I found it. That trail he wants me to pave and explore is my relationship with him. What I'll find along the way, I have no idea.

But that's the exciting part, isn't it? We get to ADVENTURE, and GROW, and DISCOVER until the day we pass away. And then we'll stand in amazement as we look at the full tapestry that God used our lives to create. And it will be the most beautiful thing!

If you're someone experiencing depression, burnout, or some other struggle right now, don't stop fighting. God can use it, and he WILL use it. Not only that, but he'll bring a whole new season of light to you on the other side. You'll feel again. You'll hope again. You'll breathe again. Allow yourself the time to ache, and rest, and mourn over the broken pieces of the life you've lost. But then open your arms, sit in God's presence, and let him love on you!

Don't ever stop fighting for your purpose, your joy, your soul.

Even after you heal, you're still going to have days now and then when that exhaustion comes back. Listen to it! Rest when it comes, and take the time to really hear what your heart is telling you. But I promise it will improve with time, and those burnout days will get less and less frequent.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, and have been so good about checking in to make sure I'm okay. God has used you to heal my heart in more ways than you will ever know.

Now... I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow again. I'm ready to feel again. I'm ready to continue the adventure that God called me to so many years ago, applying all the new things I've learned along the way.

I'm ready.

Onward and Upward!

The Wilderness

I haven't posted on this blog in a very long time. I should have written more over the past several months. Writing on here usually helps me sort through my thoughts like nothing else can. But my headspace has been a not-so-positive place recently, and I didn't want to bring down someone else's day just because mine haven't been the greatest.

Christians have described this feeling in several ways. Burnout, Dry Season, Dessert Soul. In a devotional by Tenth Avenue North that I read a week ago, Mike described it as "The Wilderness." That description always connects with the word "lost" in my mind.

I've been lost in the wilderness before.

A friend and I were walking trails we had walked tons of times before. The only problem was there had been flooding in the area this time, and some things looked very different. We were engaged in conversation, and soon we discovered that we had no clue where we were. We were planning on our walk being short, so we didn't have our phones. It was an unfortunate situation from the start.

We wandered and walked, walked and wandered, looking desperately for the trail we had come from. It took us three hours to finally find our way back. By then we were hungry, thirsty, exhausted, terrified. To this day when I see deep forests out my window as we're driving down the road, I get nervous.

That's how my life feels right now.

I'm wandering, looking for the clear path that used to lay before me. I thought God's plan was constant. I thought I knew, without a doubt, what he wanted for me. I thought I was headed in the right direction. So why is it I'm losing myself?

Why can't I find my way back to that trail?

God, why have you led me here, into the wilderness, when the narrow path was hard enough?

As I ask myself these questions every day, the only answer I can seem to come up with is that He wants me to start making a new trail.

What this new trail may be, I haven't the slightest idea. I don't know where it will lead. I don't know what direction to pave it in. I don't know if, three feet down the way, I'll need to turn left, right, or backwards. I just need to keep going and hope for the best.

Outside of this metaphor, I've made a trail before. It wasn't exactly a typical trail, or a typical way to make it, but it worked for the purpose we needed it for at that time.

I worked on a film set this summer as a Production Assistant. It was amazing! I loved every single second of it. If I could spend every single day doing that job, I would.

One day we were on location in a giant field, with grass as high as my shoulders. In the middle of the field was a tree that we were intending to film by, but we couldn't figure out how to get the actors out to it when we didn't have anything to mow down the tall grass. The costumes for that day, just like every other day in this particular film, were very elegant and couldn't get dirty. So, having the actors wade through the field in costume was out of the question.

That was when another odd job got added to my constantly growing list of "random things PA's are asked to do on a film set." Several of us started stomping the grass down sideways to make a small trail leading out to the tree. It was insanely slow-going, but I actually found it kind of fun. I was outside with friends, I was working on a film, I was going to have leg muscles of steel at the end of the day. Life was grand!

Here's the thing about making a trail this way, though. It does not happen quickly.

One step forward, stomp-stomp-stomp, shuffle-shuffle-shuffle, smooth to the side.

One step forward, stomp-stomp-stomp, shuffle-shuffle-shuffle, smooth to the side.

Little bit by little bit, all the way to the center of the field.

Tedious, exhausting, requiring patience, no indication how long it would take, adjusting direction one step at a time.

The Wilderness.

When we finished the trail, the actors were able to walk to the tree without difficulty, and the scene we filmed turned out beautifully. In fact, it holds some of my favorite shots of the entire movie.

Who knows, maybe that's why God has me where I am right now. Maybe, by inching my way forward in this tedious way, others will be able to use this path to walk toward Christ. Maybe someone will go this way who never thought to before, and it'll change them. Maybe the road less traveled isn't a road at all, but a direction without a map.
Maybe that's why it's called faith.

All I can do is keep going, bit by tiny bit, with the hope that God will lead me to a new path. But for now it's step by step, little by little, until I can finally discover the woman God is creating in me. It's long, and exhausting, and I'm falling short every single day it seems. Some days I make it three steps forward on my trail-making journey. Some days I only make one. Some days I have to walk backwards to smooth out what I did yesterday.

Through all of this, my thoughts are brought back to two years ago when I was directing Pilgrim: A Musical Based On Pilgrim's Progress. I don't think I've ever related to Christian more. Just more proof that God's timing is always perfect.

I'm not really sure where this post was supposed to lead, just like I'm not sure where my life is leading. But God is in control. He has a plan. His plans are good.

No matter what happens, at the end of the day, I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I don't need to know anything else, do I?

Hopefully you don't either.

Jesus, Flip My Tables

Over the past week since posting my previously deep and hopeless thoughts, there's been a whirlwind of colored-lens-removal and fresh perspective.  I'm not even sure how to describe it, which is one of the reasons it took over a week to update you again on the transformation.  Today, I've decided to abandon all efforts of perfect explaining, and just go for it.  So, here I am.

Am I still tired and exhausted?  Yes.

Are my daily struggles with self doubt still present?  Yep.

Are fears and anxious visions of failure still looming in the back of my mind?  Oh yeah.

Do I care?

Not one bit.

That's the difference, I guess.  Some of the very important lessons I've learned over the past few months have showed me that I need not be afraid of the feelings of weakness and incapability that I face each day.  Those feelings keep me relying on my Savior.  They allow me to do what I love, and be used by a Creator who sees more in me than I see in myself.  My pride - my desperation to do everything on my own - was the very reason I felt so useless.

I am capable of nothing without God.

So, what did I learn that flipped that for me?

First of all...

I learned it takes grace to forgive others, but it takes bravery to forgive yourself.

I can't even tell you the amount of times I struggle to show myself mercy.  I beg God's forgiveness, which he's always willing to give.  And then I think nonstop about my mistakes for ages after they occur.  I give myself no room for error.  I falter constantly, and then I internalize and destroy myself for it. 

I learned that I need to offer myself the same grace that I offer others.

"But if I'm not harsh on myself I'll make the same mistakes over again!"  My heart argues.

God says differently.

If the only thoughts I dwell on are my mistakes, the only thing I'll be capable of is more mistakes.

On the other hand, if the only thing I dwell on is grace, I'll be constantly capable of more grace.

It works kind of like dreams do.  If I spend all evening telling myself not to dream about snakes, chances are pretty good that when I close my eyes I'm going to dream about snakes (ugh...please, no.  I DO NOT want to dream about snakes. *shivers*).  I believe the same principle stands here. 

I learned that I am responsible for my actions, but I am not responsible for other's reactions.

This took a lot longer to figure out, because the idea is a bit complicated.  I'll try and simplify it the best I know how.

What it comes down to is this...

If a teen messages me or calls me on the phone and tells me they're having a horrible day, obviously I'm going to do the best I possibly can to help them feel better.  However, their final emotional state after our conversation isn't completely reliant on me.  It's all up to how God decides to shift their emotions based on his plan.  How they react to my words of encouragement is completely up to them.  God can use my words in whatever way he sees fit.

Sometimes there are people who react badly to the ideas and messages of the theatre productions and stories I write.  They're God breathed and deeply prayed over, so I know I'm being responsible for my actions.  However, I have no control over their reactions.  It doesn't mean what I wrote suddenly becomes "anti-God."  It just means they reacted badly to the message God gave me to tell, and that's ok.

I do the best I can.  I'm constantly striving to learn and grow.  I resolve problems in the best way I know how.  That's my responsibility.  But if someone decides they don't like what I do and they want to chew me out for it, that's not on me.  As long as I'm acting in God's will, I'm doing what I should be.  The negative comments others decide to give no longer have to tear me apart. 

It's my job to take carefully prayed-over steps to follow God's plan.  It's NOT my job to change myself and internalize a self-destructive attitude every single time someone decides they want to blame me for their own problems.

Pleasing God and pleasing people are often totally different things, and you can't serve both at the same time.

I learned that God is perfect, so I don't have to be.

I recently had my eyes opened wide when someone pointed out to me that, if I truly want to believe in the power of God, I should believe that he's big enough to carry out his plan no matter how many times I mess up along the way.  I heard this during a speaking event with a missionary.  Earlier in the evening they had told some comical stories about accidentally misusing different words while learning the language of the culture they had moved into. 

Now, this point shouldn't be taken the wrong way.  There's a difference between making an honest mistake while in God's will, and just doing whatever you want because you think God will fix it for you.  You can't set out to be a pastor on Sundays, be worldly the rest of the week, and then expect God to bless your ministry.  That's not how the relationship works.

I'm talking about simple learning experiences.  Times when there are misunderstandings, when something isn't fully communicated, when you honestly thought something was one way but it turned out being another way entirely.  We're not perfect (SURPRISE!), so when we expect ourselves to be we're actually trying to be more than even God expects of us.  He's loving.  He's forgiving.  He's gracious and merciful.  He can use us, no matter what.  He didn't die on the cross just so we could be stopped in our tracks by simple mistakes, or even big mistakes for that matter. 

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can separate us from God's love!

THAT needs to be our mentality.

Now to the point.  What on earth does the title of this post mean?

I recently discussed this concept with my TAG actors during an unprepared devotional session.  The other day I asked them if they wanted me to do devotions from our usual book, or to just wing it.  They all asked me to wing it, so I figured it was the perfect time to tell them about this idea that has been running through my mind recently.

I started out by reading Mark 11:15-18

15 They came to Jerusalem, and he went into the temple

complex and began to throw out those buying and selling

in the temple.  He overturned the money changers'

tables and the chairs of those selling doves,

16 and would not permit anyone to carry goods through

the temple complex.

17 Then he began to teach them: "Is it not written,

My house will be called a house of prayer for all

nations?  But you have made it into a den thieves!"

18 Then the chief priests and the scribes heard it and started

looking for a way to destroy Him.  For they were afraid of

Him, because the whole crowd was astonished by His teaching.

(From the HCSB)

After reading this, I began sharing my thoughts.  I started by asking for another term the Bible uses for the human body.  One of the middle school boys answered immediately. 

"The temple."  He stated.

Yes!  They were on the right track!

I was super excited, because I was going on this trip right along with them.  God was revealing this chain of new thoughts to me moment by moment, even as I was revealing it to them. 

I continued to talk as God spoke to my heart, and I'll try my best to type out here what he was showing me that evening, as I was surrounded by my awesome teens.

***

In this passage of scripture, Jesus showed a surprising amount of intensity in comparison to the rest of his encounters with the public throughout scripture.  But it was for good reason.  The people were using the temple as a market place, which was not the purpose it was designed for.  A dramatic misuse that required an equally dramatic wake-up call.

How often do we use our "temples" for things they weren't designed for?  We talk about people negatively behind their backs, thinking, "it's ok because they'll never know."  We give ourselves over to fear and doubt, even though the Bible tells us constantly that we need not be afraid.  We act like we're too far gone to be used by God, even though we were designed with a specific plan in mind. 

Right now we're probably all thinking similar things.  I'm guessing we're all probably judging those who were selling their wares in the temple, scoffing at them and wondering why they ever thought that was a good idea.  But don't we do the same exact thing every day?  Aren't our temples just as corrupted? 

Every single day our souls are surrounded by table after table of so-called "goods" that the world tries to convince us are needed to survive. 

It's because of this that a certain prayer has taken over my world recently.  It's a simple prayer.  It's short, and to the point.  But it's been changing everything for me since I started using it.

"Jesus, flip my tables."

(Cue laughter from the actors at my odd statement)

I know, I know.  It sounds really funny.  But it's true, isn't it?!  We're constantly distracted by things that have nothing to do with the purpose God has for us!

(Nods all around)

Lately I've been praying this statement over and over, especially when I'm feeling stolen away by the market place I've allowed to grow in my temple.

(At this point in the discussion, after others had added to the topic with their own thoughts, I asked everyone to share a table in their life that needed to be flipped.  As usual, they took it more seriously than I had expected.) 

FEAR. 

BUSYNESS.

HOPELESSNESS.

DOUBT.

ANGER.

WORRY.

ANXIETY.

SOCIAL MEDIA.

REPUTATION.

PRIDE.

DEPRESSION.

LONELINESS.

ENVY.

And so many more. 

These are the tables in our marketplace.  The distractions from our design.  The wares we buy and sell to convince the world we're ok.  These are the emotions that keep us from the purpose our temples were designed for.

I told the TAGers that one of my teachers in high school used to always do a "table flip" motion with his hands whenever he was jokingly frustrated.  He would place his hands out in front of him, and then "flip" them upward as if he were turning a table upside down.  The TAGers and I laughed about this at first, and then we talked through the idea of making that motion a physical reminder to ourselves whenever we felt our "marketplace" taking over.

Then we prayed. 

We prayed for freedom from our distractions.  We prayed for God to move.  We prayed for flipped tables. 

I still do.

Every single day new tables try to create a marketplace in my temple, and every single day I'm learning to turn them away before they can take over.  It's extremely difficult.  It's a constant battle.  But it's a battle worth fighting.

My temple needs to be cleared of all that distracts from the purpose it was designed for.  The purpose of worship.  Of chasing after my God with holy abandon.  Of trusting in my Savior, and resting in his gentle presence.  The purpose of simply being who he created me to be.

"Jesus, flip my tables."

The simplest prayer, with such important meaning.

"Jesus, flip my tables."

What are some tables in your marketplace?  What has God done in your life to "flip" them?  What was your temple designed for, and what are some ways you can prevent a growing market?

When The Joy Won't Come (Once Upon A Time, I Got Ministry Burnout)

I haven't written on here in a long time...

Here I am.  Up at midnight....crying...again.  Blogging because I'm desperate for a distraction.  Anything to quiet all the very demanding, self-deprecating voices in my head.  You know what set me off?  The crying, I mean?  A pile of dirty laundry.  It's ridiculous, right?  I mean, obviously, from the length of this post, there's more to it than that.  But, basically, I started crying because I took one look around my messy room and felt instantly tired wondering when I would actually have the time to do something about it.

It's amazing how fast life can becoming overwhelming isn't it?  Lately I've been feeling like even breathing takes too much time.  It's hard to get out of bed some days, but I get out of bed anyway.  No matter how much sleep I get I'm always tired, I go to sleep anyway.  I tell my friends I'll schedule a time to hang out, but I can see in their eyes that they're skeptical.  I would be skeptical too. 

I'm directing a play.  A play that has fun moments, but is overall very serious and stressful.  There are too many decisions to make, and I don't feel capable of making them.  I need to figure out... so many things that are way over my head. 

I'm working hard to grow a, quite frankly, very experimental ministry.  Something that, to my knowledge, hasn't really been done before.  I'm terrified.  I'm anxious.  I'm in a rabbit-like state of constantly wanting to dart into the bushes, but knowing I can't.

Honestly, most days I feel trapped.

Sometimes it's hard to even get three straight meals in a single day, not without at least one of them being a granola bar grabbed last minute from the snack drawer. 

My mind is never at rest.  If I'm not working on a project, I'm thinking about the next five projects down the line.  I'm strategizing, worrying, and dreaming all at once.  I have trouble sleeping most nights.  Hence, why I'm writing in my chair right now instead of laying in my nice, warm bed. 

I went to Easter service this morning.  I sang in the choir.  It was beautiful, and fun, and I loved every minute of worshiping my Savior with my incredible church family.  But, if I'm honest, even at rehearsal I was fighting the urge to think through the lists of tasks I need to handle.

People say they want to help.  I have a hard time believing them.  I think people are under the impression that what I do is a "Fun Job."  Those people would be incorrect.  Sure, it has its fun moments.  But most of the time it's just hard.  Really, really hard.  Some days even impossibly so.  So when I show them a list of actual work related tasks I need to complete, most of the time they're surprised.  Where's all the fun stuff they assumed my work to be? 

Sometimes even the parents and "more experienced" adults fall to the assumption that my job is simple.  Assuming that I know what the heck I'm doing.  That I'm fine, and not just pretending to get by.  That I'm not actually freaking out on the inside on a daily basis.

My job is getting a phone call at 1am while I'm on vacation with my family because a teenager I just met a few days earlier is missing and on suicide watch. 

My job is staying on the phone with my TAG family in prayer until they find that teenager two hours later, at 3am.

My job is coordinating a gazillion schedules for busy families, and trying to find times they can meet so that their calendars aren't weighed down, even if mine is.

My job is struggling to step forward because I'm a twenty-something who's still figuring out who God created me to be, and yet having to constantly send apology emails because I'm supposed to have everything figured out by now.

My job is making it up as I go, and relying on God in every moment because I am nothing on my own. 

My job is typing, and filing, and sorting, and often quite boring.

My job is months of constant spiritual battle for just a couple hours of rest during showtime, before the cycle starts all over again.

My job is identifying what's at the core of a teenager's pain, instead of focusing on the symptoms, so that they can find healing. 

My job is allowing my actors to take a mental health day and skip rehearsal whenever they need to, even if I don't have that same luxury.

My job is frightening.  My job is a war zone.  My job is exhausting.  My job makes me want to give up most days.

But I wouldn't trade the last six years for the world...

If you would have asked me what I wanted to do with my life six years ago, it wouldn't have been this.  Youth Skit Group Therapy Director would not have even been on the list.  In fact, I wouldn't have even known what that was!  It wasn't on my radar at all that I would direct my first full length musical at 19.  I didn't have a wish list that said I wanted to go through ministry burnout before age 30.  It just wasn't in the plan.

And yet... despite all of this struggle and darkness, I can still trust that the plan I'm in is a GOOD plan.  It's a GOOD plan because it's GOD'S plan.  I may have doubted that I'm where I want to be, but I've never once doubted that I'm where God wants me to be.

This might sound super strange, but there's a specific TV show my sister and I love watching together that I've pulled a lot of lessons from recently.  It might surprise you, but the show is called Once Upon A Time. 

*****SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT SEASON 5 SPOILERS******

Once Upon A Time is a creative retelling of favorite fairytales, new and old, in a modern setting.  In the first season, the Evil Queen has created a small town in Maine called Storybrooke.  She wipes the memories of all the fairytale characters and places them in this town in our world, where she is the mayor.  Several years later, along comes Emma Swan, who is brought to this hidden town by a young boy claiming to be her son.  His name is Henry, and he tries to convince Swan that she is the long lost daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, who sent her to the real world as a baby before the curse fell so that she could one day rescue the happy endings of all the characters. 

I actually admire this show a lot for their display of consequences and moral compasses.  Whenever a character makes a bad choice, it truly does have defined consequences.  There are also strong elements of grace and forgiveness, as well as redemption for previous wrongs.  Villains turning over new leaves is a common theme, for instance.  And the storytelling in itself is rather brilliant.  How they keep track of all those characters, I will never know!

To be honest, Emma Swan is the character that I relate to most.  Maybe more than I would like.  Just like Emma, I'm constantly afraid of hurting people, so I'm not good at developing a close relationship with anyone.  I allow others to rely on me too much, while at the same time not allowing myself to rely on anyone at all.  It's safer that way.  Less chance that I'll burden them, and I won't get betrayed if I don't trust anyone.

I relate to Emma because, like her, there's a vast calling on my life, and I'm still deciding if I want it or not.  Not because I'm opposed to the idea itself, but because I'm usually convinced someone other than me could do a better job.  I don't see myself as a hero.  Most days I see myself as the accidental villain.  All the good intentions, but none of the good outcome.  Too many mistakes.  I stumble.  I strive too hard to flip the situation.  It ends badly.  I'm often more pessimistic than I would like to be, especially with myself.  But when it comes to my job, I'm not a quitter.  I don't generally handle complements well.  Love and adoration often make me uncomfortable, even if I don't want them to.  I'm awkward in surface conversations.

There's the fact that I always feel like it's up to me to fix everyone's problems on my own.  And even though I know I don't actually have to, I find myself feeling like I need to try anyway, which usually ends in disaster.  But I don't like watching my friends and family suffer.  I much too often allow my fear of the future delay me from moving forward.

And, most recently, a lot of times it feels like there's a dark being in my head trying very hard to discourage me. 

I'm just gonna face the facts.  I often try to play Belle when I'm in public, just so I don't get pelted with questions.  Positive, joyful, carefree.  The last thing an introvert likes is hearing "are you ok?" over and over again throughout the day.  But on the inside I'm viewing things with a very Emma point of view.  Tired of being hurt, wishing I could trust more openly, never quite knowing what my next step should be.

Recently a specific quote from the show really hit me.  It was stated by King Arthur, who actually (go figure) ended up being a total jerk.  But even so, he got this quote right on the nose.  I can't find the exact quote anywhere, but it was something like this...

Arthur told David (aka, Prince Charming), "It's alright that we didn't complete what we quested to do.  Did you know that quest is another word for seek, David?  So, in actuality, the seeking is more important than the finding.  For the seeking is where you grow."

This conversation hit me so deeply as we were watching the episode, along with the newfound voices in Emma's head that were constantly telling her she couldn't do anything right.  That she was incapable.  Her usually brave and bold personality getting smaller and smaller as this season goes on, and it's exactly how I've been feeling.  Smaller and smaller.

*****END OF SPOILERS******

This is the state of my being lately.

It's not pretty.  It's not colorful or vibrant.  I'm constantly exhausted.  I'm finding it hard to be interested in things that usually excite me.  But it's my current reality.

I want to end this post with a happiness and a hope.  But right now everything is so difficult.  It feels like the simplest things are ten times harder than they normally are for me to complete.  And steal ten times the energy.  I'm usually the optimistic one, but it's just not happening for me right now.  It will eventually, but it's going to take some time.  I haven't had a break from youth ministry in six years, and burnout is definitely taking its toll. 

I haven't talked about my ministry burnout until now because I haven't wanted anyone to treat me differently.  I still want my teens to feel they can come to me.  I still want to move forward in God's goodness and grace.  I still want to grow and learn as I trust Him more.

Honestly, the purpose of this post is just mostly to inform you of what's going on with me lately.  Why I might seem a little different.  Why I might not blog as much for a little while.  And also to ask you to pray for me. 

Would you pray for me?  It would mean the world to me. 

Again, I'm sorry for the downtrodden nature of this post.  I can't wait to get some of my energy back so I can post happy, fun, joyful things once again!  It'll happen.  I know it will!  God has a purpose for me, and it will not fail.  I have every confidence of this.  All I know is that God never said life would be easy.  He just said it would be possible.  And possible is all I need.

It's almost 3am as I'm finishing this post.  I think my brain is finally emptied of thoughts enough to get some sleep.  I should blog more regularly again, because this always seems to help my mood when I'm walking through less-than-ideal circumstances.  Thank you, Jesus, for the written word and the beautiful role it's played in my life!

Father, hear my plea... See me.  Wash over me.  Hold me up, my Savior.

No matter what happens, even so, I will dare to believe in you and your good plan for me!

Amen.