When The Joy Won't Come (Once Upon A Time, I Got Ministry Burnout)

I haven't written on here in a long time...

Here I am.  Up at midnight....crying...again.  Blogging because I'm desperate for a distraction.  Anything to quiet all the very demanding, self-deprecating voices in my head.  You know what set me off?  The crying, I mean?  A pile of dirty laundry.  It's ridiculous, right?  I mean, obviously, from the length of this post, there's more to it than that.  But, basically, I started crying because I took one look around my messy room and felt instantly tired wondering when I would actually have the time to do something about it.

It's amazing how fast life can becoming overwhelming isn't it?  Lately I've been feeling like even breathing takes too much time.  It's hard to get out of bed some days, but I get out of bed anyway.  No matter how much sleep I get I'm always tired, I go to sleep anyway.  I tell my friends I'll schedule a time to hang out, but I can see in their eyes that they're skeptical.  I would be skeptical too. 

I'm directing a play.  A play that has fun moments, but is overall very serious and stressful.  There are too many decisions to make, and I don't feel capable of making them.  I need to figure out... so many things that are way over my head. 

I'm working hard to grow a, quite frankly, very experimental ministry.  Something that, to my knowledge, hasn't really been done before.  I'm terrified.  I'm anxious.  I'm in a rabbit-like state of constantly wanting to dart into the bushes, but knowing I can't.

Honestly, most days I feel trapped.

Sometimes it's hard to even get three straight meals in a single day, not without at least one of them being a granola bar grabbed last minute from the snack drawer. 

My mind is never at rest.  If I'm not working on a project, I'm thinking about the next five projects down the line.  I'm strategizing, worrying, and dreaming all at once.  I have trouble sleeping most nights.  Hence, why I'm writing in my chair right now instead of laying in my nice, warm bed. 

I went to Easter service this morning.  I sang in the choir.  It was beautiful, and fun, and I loved every minute of worshiping my Savior with my incredible church family.  But, if I'm honest, even at rehearsal I was fighting the urge to think through the lists of tasks I need to handle.

People say they want to help.  I have a hard time believing them.  I think people are under the impression that what I do is a "Fun Job."  Those people would be incorrect.  Sure, it has its fun moments.  But most of the time it's just hard.  Really, really hard.  Some days even impossibly so.  So when I show them a list of actual work related tasks I need to complete, most of the time they're surprised.  Where's all the fun stuff they assumed my work to be? 

Sometimes even the parents and "more experienced" adults fall to the assumption that my job is simple.  Assuming that I know what the heck I'm doing.  That I'm fine, and not just pretending to get by.  That I'm not actually freaking out on the inside on a daily basis.

My job is getting a phone call at 1am while I'm on vacation with my family because a teenager I just met a few days earlier is missing and on suicide watch. 

My job is staying on the phone with my TAG family in prayer until they find that teenager two hours later, at 3am.

My job is coordinating a gazillion schedules for busy families, and trying to find times they can meet so that their calendars aren't weighed down, even if mine is.

My job is struggling to step forward because I'm a twenty-something who's still figuring out who God created me to be, and yet having to constantly send apology emails because I'm supposed to have everything figured out by now.

My job is making it up as I go, and relying on God in every moment because I am nothing on my own. 

My job is typing, and filing, and sorting, and often quite boring.

My job is months of constant spiritual battle for just a couple hours of rest during showtime, before the cycle starts all over again.

My job is identifying what's at the core of a teenager's pain, instead of focusing on the symptoms, so that they can find healing. 

My job is allowing my actors to take a mental health day and skip rehearsal whenever they need to, even if I don't have that same luxury.

My job is frightening.  My job is a war zone.  My job is exhausting.  My job makes me want to give up most days.

But I wouldn't trade the last six years for the world...

If you would have asked me what I wanted to do with my life six years ago, it wouldn't have been this.  Youth Skit Group Therapy Director would not have even been on the list.  In fact, I wouldn't have even known what that was!  It wasn't on my radar at all that I would direct my first full length musical at 19.  I didn't have a wish list that said I wanted to go through ministry burnout before age 30.  It just wasn't in the plan.

And yet... despite all of this struggle and darkness, I can still trust that the plan I'm in is a GOOD plan.  It's a GOOD plan because it's GOD'S plan.  I may have doubted that I'm where I want to be, but I've never once doubted that I'm where God wants me to be.

This might sound super strange, but there's a specific TV show my sister and I love watching together that I've pulled a lot of lessons from recently.  It might surprise you, but the show is called Once Upon A Time. 

*****SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT SEASON 5 SPOILERS******

Once Upon A Time is a creative retelling of favorite fairytales, new and old, in a modern setting.  In the first season, the Evil Queen has created a small town in Maine called Storybrooke.  She wipes the memories of all the fairytale characters and places them in this town in our world, where she is the mayor.  Several years later, along comes Emma Swan, who is brought to this hidden town by a young boy claiming to be her son.  His name is Henry, and he tries to convince Swan that she is the long lost daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, who sent her to the real world as a baby before the curse fell so that she could one day rescue the happy endings of all the characters. 

I actually admire this show a lot for their display of consequences and moral compasses.  Whenever a character makes a bad choice, it truly does have defined consequences.  There are also strong elements of grace and forgiveness, as well as redemption for previous wrongs.  Villains turning over new leaves is a common theme, for instance.  And the storytelling in itself is rather brilliant.  How they keep track of all those characters, I will never know!

To be honest, Emma Swan is the character that I relate to most.  Maybe more than I would like.  Just like Emma, I'm constantly afraid of hurting people, so I'm not good at developing a close relationship with anyone.  I allow others to rely on me too much, while at the same time not allowing myself to rely on anyone at all.  It's safer that way.  Less chance that I'll burden them, and I won't get betrayed if I don't trust anyone.

I relate to Emma because, like her, there's a vast calling on my life, and I'm still deciding if I want it or not.  Not because I'm opposed to the idea itself, but because I'm usually convinced someone other than me could do a better job.  I don't see myself as a hero.  Most days I see myself as the accidental villain.  All the good intentions, but none of the good outcome.  Too many mistakes.  I stumble.  I strive too hard to flip the situation.  It ends badly.  I'm often more pessimistic than I would like to be, especially with myself.  But when it comes to my job, I'm not a quitter.  I don't generally handle complements well.  Love and adoration often make me uncomfortable, even if I don't want them to.  I'm awkward in surface conversations.

There's the fact that I always feel like it's up to me to fix everyone's problems on my own.  And even though I know I don't actually have to, I find myself feeling like I need to try anyway, which usually ends in disaster.  But I don't like watching my friends and family suffer.  I much too often allow my fear of the future delay me from moving forward.

And, most recently, a lot of times it feels like there's a dark being in my head trying very hard to discourage me. 

I'm just gonna face the facts.  I often try to play Belle when I'm in public, just so I don't get pelted with questions.  Positive, joyful, carefree.  The last thing an introvert likes is hearing "are you ok?" over and over again throughout the day.  But on the inside I'm viewing things with a very Emma point of view.  Tired of being hurt, wishing I could trust more openly, never quite knowing what my next step should be.

Recently a specific quote from the show really hit me.  It was stated by King Arthur, who actually (go figure) ended up being a total jerk.  But even so, he got this quote right on the nose.  I can't find the exact quote anywhere, but it was something like this...

Arthur told David (aka, Prince Charming), "It's alright that we didn't complete what we quested to do.  Did you know that quest is another word for seek, David?  So, in actuality, the seeking is more important than the finding.  For the seeking is where you grow."

This conversation hit me so deeply as we were watching the episode, along with the newfound voices in Emma's head that were constantly telling her she couldn't do anything right.  That she was incapable.  Her usually brave and bold personality getting smaller and smaller as this season goes on, and it's exactly how I've been feeling.  Smaller and smaller.

*****END OF SPOILERS******

This is the state of my being lately.

It's not pretty.  It's not colorful or vibrant.  I'm constantly exhausted.  I'm finding it hard to be interested in things that usually excite me.  But it's my current reality.

I want to end this post with a happiness and a hope.  But right now everything is so difficult.  It feels like the simplest things are ten times harder than they normally are for me to complete.  And steal ten times the energy.  I'm usually the optimistic one, but it's just not happening for me right now.  It will eventually, but it's going to take some time.  I haven't had a break from youth ministry in six years, and burnout is definitely taking its toll. 

I haven't talked about my ministry burnout until now because I haven't wanted anyone to treat me differently.  I still want my teens to feel they can come to me.  I still want to move forward in God's goodness and grace.  I still want to grow and learn as I trust Him more.

Honestly, the purpose of this post is just mostly to inform you of what's going on with me lately.  Why I might seem a little different.  Why I might not blog as much for a little while.  And also to ask you to pray for me. 

Would you pray for me?  It would mean the world to me. 

Again, I'm sorry for the downtrodden nature of this post.  I can't wait to get some of my energy back so I can post happy, fun, joyful things once again!  It'll happen.  I know it will!  God has a purpose for me, and it will not fail.  I have every confidence of this.  All I know is that God never said life would be easy.  He just said it would be possible.  And possible is all I need.

It's almost 3am as I'm finishing this post.  I think my brain is finally emptied of thoughts enough to get some sleep.  I should blog more regularly again, because this always seems to help my mood when I'm walking through less-than-ideal circumstances.  Thank you, Jesus, for the written word and the beautiful role it's played in my life!

Father, hear my plea... See me.  Wash over me.  Hold me up, my Savior.

No matter what happens, even so, I will dare to believe in you and your good plan for me!

Amen.

That One Time God Told Me To Read A Romance Novel...

God gave me a major wake up call a little bit ago...

But before I go into the story, let me relay that about four or five months prior to this I had given up reading romance novels.  Completely.  Now, to clarify, I've never really been into bad romance books.  The only romance novels I've ever read are the ones with Christian characters who honor God with their love stories.  That shouldn't be bad, right?  I didn't think so...

That is, until I started fantasizing about every guy my age that passed by me in the supermarket, and constantly asked the question "is he my future husband?"  Not exactly a healthy situation to be in.  It took me all of about a week of this before I realized that I was slowly slipping into that "Boy Crazy" phase that I often teased other girls about, and had never experienced personally.  It was far easier to do than I had anticipated, and it needed to stop.  Henceforth, even though I had just bought one more novel that was simply begging to be read, I decided to go cold turkey.  No more novels that were directly about a love story, I cut back on listening to my playlist of Christian love songs, and my Hallmark Channel movie watching fizzled out very, very quickly.

To be honest, this wasn't that difficult for me.  Ever since my first heartbreak situation, training myself not to think about love had been a daily activity, and I've gotten extremely good at ignoring those warm fuzzy feelings that most people idealize.  Over time and throughout various experiences, assuming people have indifferent feelings toward me had become my default setting.  If I assume from the beginning that they don't care, and I convince myself that I don't care either, no one gets hurt, right?

Wrong.

I realized that not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it also robs you of living a full life.

But more on that later...

Anyway, once I stopped my romance kick and started being more real with myself, I found I was a much happier person.  The months that followed were loaded with amazing friendships, and God worked on altering my heart and filling my cup in a big way.  So many past hurts from broken not-so-relationships and friendships alike were healed, and forgiveness became a fountain of refreshment and joy for me.  Friend issues related to my insecurities were a thing of the past, and I gained an incredible group of people that surrounded and encouraged me everyday.

I spent more time focusing on who God would want me to be for my future spouse, rather than who my future spouse should be for me.  

That break away from romance media really opened my eyes to how corrupted it can really be, and even the Christian side can suck you in if you're not careful. I began feeling extremely thankful that I had chosen to put away those books, and promptly decided that maybe I should make the "no romance novels rule" a permanent one.  I assumed that this was the end of the on going "I'm not worthy" attitude that had plagued my mind, and I was ready to say farewell to all of the downsides that came with it.  That's what my mindset was when something really weird happened.

As usual, apparently God had different plans.

 I was praying about my future spouse, like I have been a lot recently, and asking for advice on what to do to prepare my heart, when I heard it clear as day.

"Read."

Read, I thought... Read what? For how long? I've already read all the dating books on my shelf.

"Read."

The voice repeated over and over, getting more persistent with each question I asked. That's when my eyes landed on it... That one Christian romance novel that I hadn't read yet.  Surely, Lord, you couldn't mean that book! I stopped reading those because of you! Why would you want me to read it now?

"Read it.  I want to show you something."  His voice was loving, kind, and clear as day.

My surprise, on the other hand, was pretty intense. Never in my life had I thought that God would ever tell me to read a romance novel. But once I started the book, it didn't take long at all for me to realize why.

The main character's name was Gisela, and the story was a renaissance-style version of Cinderella with a Christian twist.  And as much as I wanted to deny it while I read, there was one overpowering theme that my mind kept going back to.  This girl's personality was Just. Like. Me.

Now, I've never experienced anything like being verbally abused and neglected by a stepmother and two stepsisters.  That part of the story didn't have any similarities even close to the blessing of my supportive, loving, God-fearing family.  But what I could relate to was that feeling of wanting to protect my heart at all costs.

Friends have been a hard case for me since elementary school. 

I have memories of sitting alone at youth group (except for the occasional youth leader), having some of my closest companions move away on short notice, and being rejected by kids my age quite often throughout the years.  Because of this, I learned how to fake emotions without actually feeling them very quickly.  Unlike Gisela, my family has been my rock through each and every one of these circumstances, and they've stood up for me on more than one occasion when I needed it.  I'm so thankful to have been blessed with such a closely knit family, and I thank God for them every day.

Even so, having to relearn who I could trust over and over again didn't make this introvert's world an easy place to be.  With each new person who left me behind, I found myself falling more and more in love with the idea of being alone.  Many of these events happened years ago, but to this day the memories of them make it so that I have some difficulty truly trusting people.  I also found the words "I don't care" running through my head much more often.  Whether I was starting to realize my affection for a guy, or starting to really appreciate someone's friendship, I would brush it off and try to convince myself that I didn't care as much as I really did.  This seemed to work for awhile...

Until I read this book...

Gisela was in the same boat.  After being rejected over and over again, her heart was too damaged to even recognize whether someone genuinely cared for her or not.  She spent most of her time by herself, using "I enjoy being alone" as an excuse to avoid further damage.  I immediately saw myself in her, even right down to the many times she whispered "I don't care" to herself throughout the book.

God caught me red handed.

He knew what I'd been doing wasn't healthy.  Even I knew that.  But my fear of getting hurt had been too great for me to change anything.  Suddenly, as I read more and more about this character, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.  She was ridiculously insecure.  And when Prince Charming finally did come her way, making grand, Christ-like gestures of love to her, it was as though she didn't even notice.  True God given love was right in front of her face, but it was incomprehensible.  Even after this amazing guy journeyed to save her life and proposed, she still asked "Are you certain you want to marry me?"  She was head over heels for Valten, a man of God who had chosen her, saved her, and asked her for her hand in marriage, and yet Gisela still couldn't understand that God would send her someone who could love her that much.

The realization hit me while reading the scene with that conversation.  I'm known as a girl who doesn't date much, if ever.  According to some, I often come across as "too picky"when it comes to guys, and "I should really be more open to possibilities", which is probably true.  Although, yes, a small part of this is just that I have high standards, I'm realizing more and more that a lot of that "choosy" attitude is that I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one again and getting hurt.

However, reading that question, after all Valten had done to show Gisela that he loved and adored her, and being able to relate so fully to her asking made me realize that I've made a terrible mistake of my own.

Valten and Gisela got married, of course.  And there was a happy ending, to be sure.  But in the end, I felt as though the leading lady had been totally robbed of her love story.  Because of all the brick walls she had placed around her heart; walls that I myself have had in place for a very long time, she had spent the entire book wrapped in a bubble of "I'm afraid to be loved".  It made me wonder...

How many times have I missed an opportunity to love because I was afraid of temporary injury?

Reading this book, I felt as though God had given me a glimpse into my future, and I'm so glad he did.  Do I really want to miss out on my very own, beautiful, hand-written-by-God love story because of something as small as fear?  Am I prepared to chance allowing some amazing friendships pass me by just because I might possibly get hurt in the end?  Do I really want to live my life hiding behind dark, bullet-proof walls?

Certainly not!

That's why, as soon as I reached the final page of Gisela's story, I made an immediate decision to change my own.  I asked God to remove the bricks around my heart from years of fear and rejection, and to give me discernment and wisdom concerning who I should allow past the simple garden gate that he put in it's place.  This gate has no locks, no hooks, no bolt.  But, unlike the bricks, it allows light in, so that the garden of my heart can grow and thrive.  I'm going to allow God, not fear, to dictate all of my social connections from here on out.

Recognizing love is still a struggle for me, and I presume it will be.  Old habits tend to die hard, and brushing off affection is a very old habit for me.  But God is teaching me how to love with my whole heart again, and also helping me realize which people in my life will show me the same kind of love.

Despite my doubts, there are more of these wonderful people in the world than I could have ever hoped for.

I've regained old friendships, immersed myself in new ones, and forgiven those that walked away.  My heart is in God's hands now, instead of tightly clenched in my own.  And although that thought is a bit unnerving at times, it gets easier with each day.  For the first time I feel like I can be honest with myself about loving people, and admit that I'm not always happiest when I'm alone.  "I don't care" isn't even a part of my vocabulary phrasing anymore.

I never would have expected to learn all of that from a romance novel.  But sometimes God works in mysterious ways.  Hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes.  I'm going to end this post with a quote from another book character who I'm told is quite like me...

Bits and Pieces: Have-Not's Alley

As you may have noticed, I didn't put out a Tidbit Tuesday blog post last week.  After considering my crazy lifestyle, I realized that scheduling out my blog might not be the best idea.  Especially because I won't always have a bit of story in mind to post anyway.  So, I've decided to rename this segment "Bits and Pieces", and use it to post my favorite bits of reading or writing on any given day, not just Tuesdays.

Today I've chosen an excerpt from a novel that I started writing during NaNoWriMo in 2013.  I've always had this obsession with fairytales, but I'm always bothered by how perfect the characters are made to be.  Nobody is actually perfect, so I decided it might be fun to create a fairytale with characters who have faults, make mistakes, and need to be brought back down to earth sometimes.  That's what this scene is all about.  

That, and I really like the character Christopher.  I always imagine him having a Scottish accent and that makes me super happy.

Enjoy!

The less public way into town was the path through Have-Not's Alley that I usually took to get around, and although it normally remained pretty empty, today it was packed with people.  On holidays like this one, the back alleys of the town were used by immigrants and poor folk as a grand mall of sorts.  The narrow, filthy streets were crowded with beggars, buyers, and even some carts for vendors.  It seemed every single person in the entire village was out enjoying the festivities, or even just taking advantage of the good moods of the people. 

I lifted the hood on my cloak so that no one would recognize me as the Prince and beg for my assistance (or wealth), and concentrated on looking at my feet.  I knew these streets better than I knew the castle, so navigating them with my head down did not prove to be much of a challenge...until...

Someone was following me.  Someone in a green cape, who also had their hood down over their eyes.  Every time I stopped or took the slightest hesitation, they would stop as well and pretend to look at one of the items that was for sale.  But I could tell they weren't just shopping, whoever they were, because every time I stopped they appeared a little bit closer than before..

I began to pick up speed, trying to be subtle about it.  My strange shadow picked up speed as well.  This was good.  Now I could hear their footsteps amidst the crowd.  The faster I walked, the louder their steps became.  My heart elevated in rhythm, pounding in my chest like a drum.  Finally, I made up my mind to find out who my new "secret" watcher was. 

I broke into an all-out run, navigating the city's back streets with little hesitation.  Just as I hoped, my shadow ran to match my speed.  My timing would have to be perfect if this was going to work. To my right was a line of buildings, the back sides of town shops and stores with around five or six feet of space in between each one.   I waited until the person behind me was lined up with one of these small alleyways between buildings, then I turned and pounced.  Quick as a coiled snake I pushed the person up against the building, pinned them to the wall with my arm across their collarbone, and tore the hood off their head to reveal...

"Christopher?"

"Hello, Daniel.  Fancy seeing you here."  He grinned sheepishly as I looked on in bewilderment.  "Um...Could you let me go now?"

I did as he asked, taking a step back and finally allowing myself to catch my breath.  Adrenaline still coursed through me, causing my lungs to shake with my hasty inhale, exhale rhythm.  "Christopher...you scared the living day lights out of me!"  I panted between sentences.  "What were you thinking?  I could have killed you!"

"Well, thank you for not doing that.  I really, really appreciate it.  And I was thinking about how your parents would have my head on a gold platter if I didn't follow you.  By the way, your dad is extremely scary sometimes!"

"Oh, I know."  I muttered.

"What are you doing creeping around in the back alleys of the village like a peasant?  It’s dangerous for you to be down here in the slums." 

"I have been training in swordsmanship and combat since I could walk.  I think I would be fine, Chris." 

Then he gave me that look.  That one look that always meant he was about to say something wise in a way only Christopher could.  "Daniel...Prince Daniel...have you ever stopped to consider if something did happen to you?  What if you were ambushed and perished in some awful way.  Your father is not getting any younger.  And your mother is wise, but she cannot rule a kingdom on her own.  The next in line for the throne after Your Highness is Blake, and we both know that would be disastrous.  So, excuse me if I worry about you, Daniel, but I am your friend, and I want you to succeed your father more than anything."

The seriousness in his eyes caused my confidence to crumble.  I held out my arm, and he grasped it heartily.  "I apologize, Chris.  I did not know I was worrying you so.  I will try not to be this careless and self-thinking from now on.  Will that please you?"

He smiled gently and nodded.  "Very much, Prince Daniel.  Thank you for considering my plea."

I released my hand and looked down the alley toward the main streets.  They were filled with flowers, ribbons, and costumes in a rainbow of colors.  "Well, I say we attend the festival.  What say you?"

His smile grew.  "Yes, Prince Daniel."  Then, after bowing deeply, he took off toward the festival at a run.