Dear Hindsight: A Love Story Playlist

Dearest Hindsight,

They say you're 20/20, and they would be right. The walls of my mind and the pages of my journals stand as proof of the predicament that fact has left me in. There's this place in my chest where a beating, living, loving thing should be. I've searched it out, and what I used to find instead was scar tissue. Then I started removing the bandages. I allowed myself to feel pain, to feel scabs, to feel the itch that indicates healing. And now here I am. So, this one's for you.

Now, you're not all bad. You've been a blessing in disguise. A mistake made is a lesson learned, and a lesson learned is a mistake not repeated. Because of you, I have been saved many repeated mistakes, and so I owe you my gratitude. I've grown, I've found myself, and I've learned to look at you without aching. So, this one's for you.

And you're not just one person. No. You're every relationship that has made a grand entrance before making a bold exit. You're the times I was heartbroken, and the times I was the source of heartbreak. You're the rear-view mirror that keeps me moving forward, while continuously glancing back to ensure the monsters stay behind and never return, both yours and my own.

Consider this an honest tribute. To those I loved and left behind, in no particular order...

1. Story Of Us by Taylor Swift

To you, the one I fell for too hard and too fast. We started as friends, and never talked about how we truly felt, which left us in an awkward, unhealthy in-between. I liked you for a very long time, and you took the longest to get over. But I blame myself for a lot of how that went. I was young, and needy, and friendless, and it overwhelmed you. There was also a lot of outside pressure for us to be more than friends. After a while we stopped talking, and I didn't know why. You're also the first of two guys I've ever told "I love you," which, I'm pretty sure, is what scared you off. We didn't end on a good note, and we're not friends anymore. Unfortunately, I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, which was not great. You'll never see this, but I'm sorry.

2. Just Friends by the Jonas Brothers

To you, the guy who was my best friend for three years. You patiently listened to me complain about other guys, and I listened to you complain about other girls. We encouraged and advised each other. You once jumped into a snow bank just to cheer me up on a bad day. Then we grew, and wondered if we could possibly work as a couple. You were the first guy to purposefully tell me you liked me. It was snowing, and we almost slipped on some ice on the walk back. We went on one date. Then reality hit, and we realized our lives were about to head in very different directions. We ended things with a positive outlook, offering encouragement to one another. We don't talk anymore, and we live totally different lives, but we're both doing what we love.

3. Stomping The Roses by David Archuleta

To you, the guy who played the part almost perfectly. We started out well, going on adventures and talking about books. I genuinely enjoyed your company. But you were a better actor than I gave you credit for, and I'm still trying to figure out what was authentic. I cared about you, I was real and honest with you, and I still pray for you. You're caught in a cycle of emotional denial and insecurity that is going to lead harmful places someday. The most concerning part of that is you've convinced yourself that you're okay. But by not giving yourself time to heal from the hurt in your past, you're only damaging those around you. And maybe you don't even know you're doing it, but the result is emotional manipulation. I know I could have handled our relationship better as well. The brokenness in our relationship was a team effort. But when you walked away, I felt stronger on my own. And that was all the indicator I needed that ending things was the best gift you gave me. I sincerely hope you figure things out so that you and your future relationships can thrive. I mean that.

4. Giving Your Heart Away by Jessa Anderson

To you, the one who wasn't ready for a relationship. The first guy I ever gave the breakup speech to. The one I knew wasn't right for me, but convinced myself to date anyway, because for once I wanted to believe a guy really cared about me. Our relationship started on accident, due to a typo in a text message, which should have been an indicator right away that it wasn't a great idea. We were both lonely and broken, and we both used each other as an emotional crutch, while convincing ourselves it was more. I felt bad about dragging the relationship on for as long as I did, since I knew pretty early on that we wouldn't last long term. But hearts are funny things, and I didn't know whether I could trust mine. Because of that, you ended up brokenhearted, and I'm sorry.

5. Wait It Out by Jamie Grace

To you, the boys I barely dated, or only went on one date with, who hadn't figured out that women of God like men who approach them with intention. If you ever want to make it anywhere with women (or I guess I should say with women worth pursuing), there are some things you need to stop doing. For example, here are a few of the winning sentences that these boys have tried on me... Good grief...

"I have a lot of stuff and a house, and I figured it's time to find someone to share it with. So that's why I'm dating." (Wow...so romantic *gags*)

"We should hang out again sometime." (Was this a date? Are we just friends? What the heck is going on? You literally didn't explain anything.)

Him: "I really like you."
Me: "I like you too. So, what now?"
Him: "I don't know. What do you think?"
Me: *cue disappointed explosion noises in brain*
(Please, on behalf of all girls everywhere, make an intentional plan before starting this conversation)

6. More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

Finally, to You...

To You, the creator and lover of my soul. The One source of steady reassurance and encouragement in my life. The One who's been there through it all. You help me pick up the pieces each time my heart is on the floor. You keep my hope alive, and give me the strength to keep trusting. You prove Your love to me over and over. In all the chaos and confusion, in all my doubts and anxiety, in every moment, the only person I want to be, the only title I want to have is... "Yours."

Being fully known and fully loved by You is the greatest gift I will ever receive. You're so unbelievably good to me. You know exactly what (and possibly who) my future holds. It's all in Your hands.

My prayers for that "who" have not changed, by the way... The prayers I write about here, and in my journals, and in letters. Whoever he is, he is drenched in prayer.

I know he won't be perfect. Neither will I. But we'll struggle together, and work at struggling well. We'll encourage each other towards You, or we'll do our best anyway. He probably won't be anything like I expect, but he'll make me incredibly thankful that it didn't work out with anyone else. We'll make each other laugh, make each other cry, and annoy the heck out of each other in the best ways.


They say that Hindsight is 20/20, and they're right. But even though what's behind me may seem dark and painful, it's nothing in comparison to the light ahead, because the light ahead is You, and You know what's in store for me. Your plans are always good. You are my yesterday. You are my today. And You are my abundance of tomorrows.

I trust You, Abba.



Sincerely "Yours,"

Aly

"Losing Myself" On A Sunday Afternoon

This post was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to edit it until now.  God has been opening my eyes to some of his plans for me recently, and it has absolutely taken my breath away.  After months and years of questions, I'm beginning to see just how he was working all along, and how I should have just patiently trusted...  Hopefully my lessons will save you the trouble.

***

I'm in awe of you.

Even when I'm busy following my own plan, searching for what I think should be happening in my life, you're still at work.  You show me your loving kindness and mercy by continuing your good plan for me even when I'm attempting to walk on my own.  What a laughable thought.

Why do I do this?  I move ahead of you before the time is right.  I struggle, I moan and complain, I ask you why, and I'm not willing to wait.

Impatience... Not just a bad choice, it's a sin.  I've been too eager, not willing to wait on your plan.

Even still, you finally reveal your plan, and it's so easy.  You were working the whole time, and I didn't even notice.  A plan that only you could have orchestrated, at work when I was too distracted trying to bring things about in my own way.  And yet, even when I was ignoring you, you brought about the answer.

Lord, I'm so ashamed of how little faith I have in you... I long to trust you so desperately, and yet I make plans outside of you.

Transform me, Father.  Change me from the inside out and teach me to be patient.  You are the only one I want dictating my future.  No one else.  Not my own thoughts, not my friends or family, not the world and what society considers "normal."

Only you.

Refine me, Abba, in the fires of your holy forge.  Mold me into a weapon of your choosing, created with purpose and ready for whatever battlefield awaits me.  Design me with your eternal kingdom in mind, so that I might have the chance to serve some small role in your kingdom.  My life in your capable hands; the only one who can take a pointless piece of metal and turn it into a valued form with a specified purpose.  Whether it be a sword, charging forward into the unknown.  An arrow, pointing the way.  A dagger, for up close, in-the-thick-of-it warfare.  A chest plate, shielding hearts from darkness.  A helmet, protecting minds from the devil's schemes.

Whatever is needed most, you choose.  I will wait with great anticipation to discover what you create.  I will be patient, content with the fact that, no matter my specific title, I am already the dear beloved of God.

Today my shirt says "I am yours and you are faithful."  I've been harboring so much bitterness, Jesus.  Anger toward those who have left me behind.  I've been prideful, and filled with hate.  I've convinced myself that my feelings are justified.

No...

Everyone who's not in my life anymore was removed for a reason.  My judgements toward them are only a demonstration of my imperfect heart, not theirs.  You not only saw every moment, you walked it with me.  You orchestrated each friendship's beginning and end, working each one for my good.  My bitterness toward those people and situations after all this time is keeping me from completely experiencing the fullness of your love.  Each day of confusion and tears was written in your book, along with exactly how you would work each minute into the goodness of your plan for me.  You've always known who you want me to become, even before I was a thought in anyone's mind.  Every moment, whether joy or pain, was designed with a positive purpose; to get me there.  Each step has deepened my relationship with you in a way that nothing else could have.  You pursue me with tireless passion and determination.  You don't just tolerate my existence, but genuinely adore me with perfect, unconditional love that no one else can offer.  A love that my sinful heart can never truly comprehend or repay.

A gift greater than anyone could possibly surpass.

The real trouble is I've spent so much of my life trying to find myself.  What does that even mean, "finding myself?"  I've already been found.  The creator of the stars knows me better than even I do, and yet I'm worried about finding myself?

All this time I've wasted, and I've only just realized that my time would have been better spent losing myself.  Losing myself in you.

I keep wandering aimlessly, feeling sorry for myself as though I'm such a lost cause.  If only I would open my soul and start listening to you before reaching sorry desperation, I would hear a very different message than the one I usually give myself.  I shouldn't be finding myself...  Because only by losing myself do I find more of you.

My only function, the one thing I was created for, is to live life solely to bring you glory.  I'm meant to breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry, speak, and love in such a way that anyone could look at me and see you instead.

No matter what the world says.  No matter how many times I lose direction and focus, and attempt to find my way back on my own.  No matter how hard I am on myself, and how many times I question the way you created me.  To you I am always enough.

All my flaws, all my gifts, everything that makes me who I am, just as I am... It's enough for you.

I can just be.

This New Year I had some trouble.  I couldn't figure out a good resolution.  Not because I couldn't think of anything to improve.  Not at all.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I have way too much to improve.  So, how do you pick just one thing to work on about yourself?  The last two years I've chosen more general life goals.  It started in 2015 with the resolution to "live bravely."  In 2016 it was to "be joyful" in every circumstance, which was surprisingly more difficult than the live bravely challenge. 

And now I think I just found my newest resolution.

In 2017 I'm going to strive to "lose myself" in God's love.  I've spent too much time looking for love in other places.  Created too many failures attempting to find myself without my Savior.

It's a lot like driving. 

You know when you pull up to a stop light, and you're anticipating the moment when that light turns green?  What do you look at in the moments before you get the go signal?  Are you the person who looks at the red light and waits patiently for it to turn green?  Or do you look at the light that's currently green to see when it turns red?  I caught myself doing the second thing one day, and God called me on it in a big way.  In fact, I haven't been able to get that lesson out of my head ever since. 

"What are you doing looking at someone else's greenlight, when you should be patiently watching me to give you a greenlight of your own?"

Ouch.

My loving Father, I don't want to do that anymore.  It's time to get lost in the beauty of all you are.  I want my breath to be stolen away by the glory of your presence.  I don't want to push you away anymore.  You've chased after me my entire life.  Even after I gave my life to you, you still didn't stop pursuing me.  You are pure, untainted love, and I fall more in love with you everyday. 

Truthfully, I'm a mess.  I'm envious, judgmental, insecure, broken, selfish, controlling, and constantly aware of my every fault.  I'm a disaster.  I'm trying.  I'm constantly failing.  But somehow, that's not what you see.  I will never live up to all the expectations I have for myself.  But somehow that doesn't matter.

Because, despite all of that, you love me anyway.  And I will never thank you enough.

Here's To The Nice Guys

 

You've heard it said in various circles...  "Nice guys finish last."  They've told you in order to get the girl you need to have an edge.  Take a walk on the wild side and keep the ladies guessing.  "Face it, girls only like the bad boys," they say.  And at this point you gentlemen are wondering why you even clicked on this blog.

Hang in there.  I'm here to prove those people wrong.

By the way, I should probably mention that, yes, I am a female.  Hi there...hello.  I tend to write a lot of posts geared toward my fellow gal pals, so if you're a dude and it's your first time on my blog, welcome!  This one's especially for you.  And if you've ever related to the "nice guy" label, keep reading.  I have something to say.  But, first, I have some apologies to make on behalf of our generation.

First of all, nice guys, I'm sorry you're so underappreciated.  You treat girls with respect, opening doors and pulling out chairs.  You're the listening ear, and the shoulder to cry on.  You endure the ups and downs of our emotional minds for the sake of friendship.  And instead of getting a thank you note, you get a speech about female empowerment and how we're so independent.  I beg you, be a gentleman anyway.  Listen, some girls just don't get it.  As young women, we've grown up in a society that shoves feminism down our throats.  We're told that we need to be only our own in order to make it in this world.  But, the truth is, we like your kindness.  If a woman doesn't appreciate a gesture of gentlemanly behavior, they aren't the type of woman you want to hang around anyway.  In a culture that tears down every ounce of old fashioned charm and class, please, bring chivalry back!

Second, I'm sorry that the world is so opinionated.  Lies like "boys are only after one thing," and "chivalry is dead" seem to be universally accepted at this point, and it paints a horrible portrait for those men who are actually trying to do what's right.  Because of this, girls approach the opposite sex with unbidden whispers of caution humming through the back of our minds.  Generalizations surround you before you even get the chance to speak.  You're told that having no control over your mind and body is natural, and that you shouldn't even try to change it.  This is the part I'm the most saddened by.  No one should be told that they can't better themselves.  No one should be told they can't find pure, innocent, God-given love.

Third and lastly, I'm sorry you feel like you have to hide who you are.  Guys who show emotion are bullied, and either told they should man up, or they should question their gender identity.  Girls can cry through a book or at a movie theater, even during commercials sometimes, and not be questioned.  If a guy sheds a tear in any situation, they're automatically made to feel like there's something wrong with them.  I'm sorry we've reached a point in our culture that looks at men who express themselves through music, theatre, or dancing, and automatically wonders if they're gay.  I know this is true, because some of the students I've met have been bullied about this in school.  Some of them even started believing it, and it's totally changed their lives.  I'm sorry you're made to feel like depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts are only things that girls deal with.  It's just not true.  You're not alone.  I promise you, there are plenty of guys who deal with these issues.  I've counseled them before.  The only reason these problems seem more uncommon in the male realm is because all of you are made to feel like you can't talk about it.  It's not right.  Problems are not gender exclusive.

Ok, good.  Glad to get that off of my chest.  Now that the apologies are out in the open, I have some things to tell you.  You ready?


These.  Lies.  Don't.  Define.  You.


There, I said it!  The words that everyone is afraid for you to hear, because they know you'll change the world if you did.

You want the honest truth?  Guys are being used and abused right now like never before.  Do you want an example?  Growing up, the world feeds you exactly what is "normal" for a man to be.  They tell you that you can't control yourself, so why try?  Those lies are why prostitution is one of the top moneymakers in the world, why pornography can be seen pretty much everywhere (even store windows at the mall).  Think about this...

Have you ever considered how strange it is that everyone is told those urges and cravings are normal, and yet the very people defining what's normal happen to be making billions of dollars to satisfy those cravings?  And that's just one example!

So I repeat...

THESE LIES DON'T DEFINE YOU.

Guys, no matter what you do, how you live, the world will always have something to say.  This goes for girls too.  Our lies might sound different, but we're fed just as many lies as you are.  Listen, I believe that the "Nice Guys" are the leaders that God is going to use to set an example for men and women alike.  That means he's going to use you.  That's right, YOU.  The guy who's in the background, who does what's right (often without being noticed), who puts others first and wears his heart on his sleeve.  I don't care what others say.  You are appreciated, you are seen, and you are loved just as you are!  Please, don't sell yourself short and give up on your quest for kindness just because the world tells you kindness is weak.

In the Bible, it is very clear that everyone is created just as they are for a purpose, flaws and all.  Read it through.  You'll find that strength is found in weakness, and selflessness is a source of overflowing joy.  You'll find that some of the most prominent followers of Christ were extremely emotional.  David, a man after God's own heart, was a poet and a musician!  He poured his heart out in beautiful verse.  Moses was a shy guy who didn't even trust himself to speak.  Take a look, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that the lines the world has been feeding you are far from the truth.

So this is my encouragement to you...

Show compassion.  Express yourself.  Be messy, and genuine, and honest.  Live bravely in kindness and purity.  Stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.  Lead by serving.  Know that it's ok to be weak sometimes.  Follow in God's footsteps, no matter what judgments the world might send your way.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, but be willing to learn from them.  Laugh too hard when you're filled with joy, weep when you feel broken, and pray either way.  Know that it's stronger to lean on God than to stand on your own.

And when it comes to us, the good girls who feel totally outnumbered and alone, know that we exist.  We've been waiting our whole lives for a guy like you to knock on our door, and we'll continue waiting right here until you do.  We don't want you to be anything but absolutely yourself.  We've been praying for you since we first learned to speak, and in those prayers we've asked God to spare you from the lies of our broken culture.

Please, don't give up.  Don't give in.

So, here's to the Nice Guys.  Other people in your life will call you that as an insult, hoping to bring you down to their level and get you to join the bandwagon they all joined long ago.  But, to the right people, especially the right girl, that label will turn into a complement of the highest order.  Wait for her. And while you're waiting, trust in God, love life, and be yourself. Find your purpose and chase after it with every ounce of energy and talent you have. Get creative! And when she's supposed to enter your life, she will love that purpose just as much as you do.

You're loved by God, and there truly are young ladies who are extremely thankful men like you exist. So... Thank you.

Sincerely,

A "Good Girl"

My Loving List Of Little Things To Live For

Some days the hardest thing to do is "just keep swimming".  This life is insane, and crazy, and maddening, and it's easy to feel like you're drowning.  But, you know what, in the midst of all this madness...

Life can also be so beautiful.

The other day I was just sitting, thinking about all the little ways that life is lovely, and it lit up my day so much that I decided to share these small beauties with you.  Without further ado, here are the things that make my world shine a little brighter.

The temporary high that comes from honest, belly-aching, tear-jerking laughter.

Finally curling up in bed after a long day.

The sound of boiling water in a kettle, which means you're one step closer to that hot beverage.

Warm sweaters on cold days.

Soup.  Just soup.

Finding someone who loves that one obscure thing as much as you do, when you thought you were alone, and you both burst with the joy of finally being able to talk about it.

Discovering something you're good at, no matter how small that thing is.

Making up after an argument, and realizing how much you love that person all over again.

Every single thing about rainy days.

Dancing.  By yourself, with friends, on stage, in the grocery store.  

Hearing a song for the first time that just meets you exactly where you are.

Your whole family being at home at the same time.

Sparkling misty mornings and cool starry nights.

Roasting marshmallows on a chilly evening, and then falling asleep smelling like a campfire.

The first snow after fall.

The first warm day after winter.

Apple orchards.

Small towns with quaint little shops.

Old movies.

Hearing married couples talk about their love story together.

Colorfully painted skies.

Conquering a fear, no matter how big or small.

Staying up late because you and a family member got talking about life and lost track of the time.

When you notice something that was hard for you is finally getting easier.

Going for a prayer walk on a windy day, and feeling God whisper to you through the tree branches.

When you really enjoy being with someone, and you realize for the first time that they really enjoy being with you too.

Watching your favorite movie and knowing every line.

Introducing a friend to something you love, and they end up loving it too.

Any answer to prayer, even if it's not the answer you expected.

Being amazed at God's love for you for the first time all over again.

When someone asks how you are and truly wants to know.

Experiencing the sights of a brand new place for the first time.

The warm familiarity of the first step back inside your house after going on vacation.

When a book gets so good that your imagination replaces the words with images.

Being able to provide someone with something they needed.

When a spontaneous project actually turns out well.

Making someone smile.

Meeting someone that inspires you.

Making peace with yourself again.

When the words come out just right.

Feeling like you need to cry, but can't.  And then someone hugs you and let's you vent, like they read your mind.

When you wait patiently (or sometimes not so patiently) for something, and God provides.

The smell of your favorite food.

When they accidentally make your coffee one size bigger than you asked for.

A kept promise.

Using the human ability to sing whenever and wherever you possibly can.  Especially in the car with the radio blasting.  Especially when you know your voice is off pitch, but don't care.

The first day you start getting over a cold, and learn to appreciate the ability to breathe, smell, and taste all over again.

Creating art, no matter how badly done, simply because the passion was bursting inside you.

Finding a verse in the Bible that relates perfectly to your situation.

Looking back to finally see the good that came from the bad, and how God placed everything perfectly.



Realizing just how fortunate you really are...

20 Songs For My Journey So Far (Or, The "It's Not Actually About Me" Playlist)

We all know that music speaks in ways that normal words most of the time just can't.  That definitely holds true in my life.  And even though I don't write or play music, I do relate to it.  These are 20 songs that have helped me feel understood; helped me feel that I'm not alone in my life.  Listen to them if you want.  And who knows, maybe you'll find they help you feel the same way.  So, in no particular order...

1. Second Guess Girl by Sara Groves

This song needs no explanation.  It's just so perfect at describing what it feels like when you're forced to make a hard decision, and when you're still figuring out who you are.  It's a transition position that I've been in quite often lately, so I really appreciate her transparent honesty here.

2. Breathe by Jonny Diaz

The first time I heard this, I was in a heap of chaos and insanity on my way to a meeting after a day of feeling like a crazy person.  My mind was on everything but God, and I had no intention of sitting to just "Breathe"...  Then Jonny Diaz came on the radio, and I cried.  Now it's my theme song.

3. Choose To Love by Francesca Battistelli

Oh, how Francesca Battistelli always manages to pin point exactly what I'm going through.  Choosing to love is one of my greatest daily struggles.  Opening up to love requires trust, and my trust has been broken enough times for this to be extremely difficult for me.  I've been choosing to love more and more often lately, and this song is a large part of the reason.

4. How I Ended Up Here by Jason Gray

Once again, wow... I have never heard a song with more honesty and accuracy to my life situation than this one right here.  As an introvert, it is so tempting to just hide away and never share life with anyone.  After listening to this 8 or 9 times the first time I heard it, though, I realized exactly how destructive pushing people away can be.

5. Revolutionaries by Bethany Dillon

Straying from what's considered "the norm" is the center of all the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far.  Jumping on the bandwagon and taking the easy road is always a temptation, but it's SO much more worth it to take the harder path!  Life has taught me this time and again already, ever since I decided to be a Revolutionary.

6. Whole by Jessa Anderson

The line that caught my attention here is "If death was beginning instead of end, than who I am now was determined then."  The fact that my life was determined and guaranteed because of the death of Christ is just crazy!  Because of his sacrifice, I don't ever have to worry about feeling "Whole".  Because, with Jesus, I already am.

7. Brave by Moriah Peters

I'm not exactly the bravest person.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite in most situations.  Because of this I decided to make my New Years resolution for 2015 a challenge to "Live Bravely" and, holy cow, a challenge it has been.  This song came out pretty close to the same time that promise was made, and it instantly became my battle cry for the year, encouraging me to take leaps that I've never taken before.

8. Can't Live Without You by Owl City

I love that Adam Young takes a style of music that is mostly popular in secular circles, and transforms it by creating Christian lyrics and stories to go along with it.  Because he goes through a lot of anxiety just like I do, I relate to his music a ton.  It always reminds me that I'm never alone.

9. Press On by Building 429 (Feat. Blanca Callahan)

The truth in this song speaks volumes.  Just the fact that I am a mess, and yet God calls me his own and created my every flaw with a meaning.  It's more than I could ever ask for, and it allows me to "Press On" in a way that I could never accomplish without Him.  Life goes on, but He's all I need.

10. Losing by Tenth Avenue North

Being different has been my way of life since I was very, very young.  Most Christians can relate to that fact.  Because of this, I definitely know what pain feels like.  Rejection and brokenness are a common theme in my story, but God has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Forgiveness is definitely a struggle, but it's a struggle worth having.

11. Awake My Love by I Am They

Even in the times when I'm hurting, and wonder what God is up to, He always finds a way to send me something to smile about.  God is the noble treasurer of my heart, the intimate lover of my soul, and he "Awakes My Love" in new and wonderful ways every single day.  I love Him with everything in me.

12. 3:42 A.M. (Writer's Block) by MercyMe

Being a writer, it's always challenging on those nights when the words just won't come like I want them to.  What I've discovered, though, is that those nights are usually a sign that I need to lay my novel and my characters at the feet of God, and allow him to make up what I lack.  The stories He writes are 100% better than the ones I come up with on my own.  If the idea is mine, it's a waste of time!  This song greatly helps to remind me of that.

13. The Waiting by Jamie Grace

Patience... Waiting... Oh, my greatest enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  But each time I choose to wait instead of going forward on my own, I learn something new, and it ends up being worth the wait.  If I rush into things, disaster strikes.  So why is it I continue to make the same hasty mistakes?

14. Beyond Me by tobyMac

I've had the opportunity to do so many amazing and unique things in my life, and it's incredible to even think about!  But whenever people ask how I do what I do, I can only tell them that I don't.  God is the source of every accomplishment.  All of the greatest things I've ever done were not my doing, and they were all definitely WAY "Beyond Me."

15. Want To Be Real by Chris August

Some days I get so unbelievably frustrated with the false nature of the world.  I remember back when I was going through some of my particularly difficult days, I would listen to this song over and over and pray that I didn't become fake; that I would grow into a genuine and authentic lover of Christ.  I wanted to simply be real, and that's still my prayer.

16. Ready Or Not by Britt Nicole (Feat. Lecrae)

Sometimes it is so much easier to simply take the background spot and leave the leadership position to someone else.  However, that's not God's plan for us.  As soon as we devote our lives to him, we make a promise to stand out for his name.  We may be ridiculed for living out loud in that way, but it suddenly becomes a part of our nature to shine.  We can't hide it! 

17. I Refuse by Josh Wilson

This song is wonderful in so many ways.  I relate to it so much.  There was a time in my life where I had no clue what I was supposed to do in this life, and I was tempted to just sit back and not do anything.  Then I discovered what my purpose was, and suddenly I couldn't stand still!  It's like a flame took me over, and that flame still burns to this day!

18. Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets

Even in the hardest times of my life, God was at work.  Winning or losing, love and hate, joy or pain, no matter what the circumstance God is always working.  He's been making me since before I was even born, and He'll be making me until the day I breathe my last.  That's just how good He is.

19. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

This song pulled me through every single one of those broken friendships and rejection situations.  When a best friend betrays your trust, it's hard to bounce back.  When multiple friends betray your trust at separate times, it seems nearly impossible.  Listening to Brandon's words here reminded me that forgiveness was more important than anything, and that God would bring positive change through the pain.  I am truly "Not Who I Was", and this song is my letter of grace to those friends.

20. My Story by Big Daddy Weave

This song is self explanatory, and completely truthful!  I hope you enjoyed this journey through my history, and the music that guided me through it.  God uses people and art to impact us in amazing ways, and it happens everyday.  May your day be blessed with music and the glorious love of Christ!

To listen to this playlist on Spotify, click here.

A Letter To Myself...

Dear Younger Me,

Life is really hard, you know it?  I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes God does things that don't make any sense, and it's confusing, and complicated, and messy, and you just don't get it.  Mistakes are made almost daily, and sometimes it causes you to wonder if you can do anything right.  Here's the deal, all of this will always be present in your life.  But I have a secret to tell you.  A message from your future that only you can know...

It will get better.

Right now, at this time in your life, you are struggling with friendships.  The first guy you ever liked is starting to grow distant.  Your heart is experiencing aches and pains that you've never felt before, and there are a whole lot of changes yet to be discovered.  Sucky, I know.

Recently, you experienced the pain that came with your grandparents dying five months apart.  There were arguments, and auctions, and loss.  Your family struggled in ways it never has before, and yet somehow came out in one piece.  In the near future you'll lose friends, and gain new ones, only to lose them again.  Boys will come and go, leaving shards behind each time.  Some of these broken relationships are your fault, and some days you'll think that these are the ones that hurt most of all.  You'll become far too good at moving on.

You'll grow up with the assumption that feelings can only lead to negative results, and spend so many days denying your feelings that you'll end up becoming numb to them altogether.  There are moments that are about to happen in your life that will still hurt for a long time, and every time you think you've gotten things figured out, a new loop will come and make you question everything all over again.  Trust will become an issue, as well as confidence, and sometimes even joy.  But through all that, there's something you should know...

You will never be alone.

You're going to feel alone.  Some nights you will fall asleep with tears on your cheeks and an ache in your heart just because of desperation for companionship.  Some nights I still do.  But please, if you remember anything, remember this:

Feeling alone and actually being alone are two different things, and you will never be alone as long as you walk with God.

I've seen everything that you've gone through so far.  I know each and every individual scar on your heart, and each name that put it there.  I know how hard you fought to forgive, and how long it took to forget.  Insecurity is a struggle that everyone faces, but in time you'll learn that the lowest individuals are the ones God calls out first, and the weakest of people can become the strongest of soldiers.

Don't.  Give.  Up.

There's a reason you went through all of those things.  There is a purpose for your pain.

God allowed friends to leave so that you could have empathy and understanding for those who need a shoulder to lean on.  He allowed people to put you down so that you would trust in him to define you, and know how to properly encourage those in the same low position.  God is going to use your darkness for light, and your lost moments will become a map to guide others to his grace.  You are going to experience first hand how God always keeps his promises, and that he truly does 'work all things for the good of those who love him'.

You'll find theatre, and discover that it's the very air you breathe.  You'll find out that God placed that talent in your life so that you could use it for his glory, and it will be the greatest adventure you've ever experienced.

Have faith.

You'll start writing everyday, and just as theatre is your breath, words will become your heartbeat.  Everything you do will be accompanied by characters that are just now finding a voice in your thoughts.

Let yourself create.

Right now you feel so small.  You've made some bad decisions, and some good ones.  Let me tell you, no matter how much you accomplish, that feeling will never go away.  In fact, the more you try to feel big, the smaller life will make you.  So I have some advice...

Stop trying so hard.

You see, I have the advantage of knowing exactly how you operate.  You are the type of person who is never swayed by what's currently "popular", but is always shaken by the disappointment you feel in yourself.  Don't.  The world is broken enough without you tearing yourself apart.  I know, it is so tempting to be your own worst critic.  But the only way you're going be content in anything is to simply make the decision to do so.

Just be.

Right now it may feel like you are doomed to never have a true friend in the world, but don't lose hope.  Eventually, friends will find you.  But it will happen when you stop being desperate and just accept who you are.  They'll come around you from unexpected places, and they'll be worth the wait, I promise.

Trust God.

And, one final piece of advice.  Do you remember that numbness I told you about?  It's going to seep into you until feeling and loving is a near impossibility.  Satan will use it to mess with your head and bind you in chains of fear and sorrow.  I don't care how much pain you go through, please, don't allow yourself to get to that point.  Even negative feelings are better than no feelings at all.  Trust me.  After years upon years of refusing to give in to emotion or show that I care about anything, I'm finally learning how to let that fear go and just live.  Don't let it take you that long.

Breathe deeply.  Stretch your arms out with closed eyes on windy days.  Dance around in your driveway when it rains.  Take walks in the autumn woods.  Laugh until your stomach aches and your throat makes those weird gasping noises.  Let your hair down.  Brew more tea.  Read yourself to sleep during thunderstorms.  Enjoy the rare closeness you have with your family.  Love without condition, and trust like you've never been hurt.

Most of all, wake up each day with the determination to find a bit of beauty in everything.

You have so much innocent joy to offer this sad world, and so much love to give away.  Your life has so much passion and purpose in store, and I haven't even seen most of it yet.  If you follow my advice and learn from my mistakes, I can't even imagine how much more good you could do.  And God will be with you every step of the way, so don't be afraid to fall.  He'll catch you every time, I promise.

Sincerely,

- You

Four Literary Friendzones That Actually Turned Out Okay

Hello, readers and fellow bloggers of the world!

So, I've been hearing a lot of negativity on this all-so-horrible subject called "the Friendzone" lately, and from someone who has personally experienced it, I've decided to speak up.  I truly feel like it's not as big of a deal as you're all making it out to be.  I mean, I hate to say you're wrong but...

You're wrong.

Come on, don't go marching off and telling me I don't understand.  I promise, I do!  I know what it feels like to be in that bubble of "Gosh, I like this person a lot, and I'm never even going to get to show it."  But, even though it can be kind of horrible and confusing, I've learned something incredibly important through those experiences...

By trusting the friendzone, we're basically denying our trust in God.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know the "just friends" bubble exists.  But I also know this:

God created the stars in a day, created everything good and beautiful in this world, and yet for some reason we seem to think he can't turn a lovely friendship into something more.  He most definitely CAN do that.  But only by his will, and only in his timing.  If we can't trust him with that much, how are we ever going to trust him at all?

I feel like Jamie Grace's song, Just Friends, says it best...

Father I will place this in your hands

You know me and all my crazy plans

Humbly I surrender this to you

So I'll keep dreaming, you keep coming through

I know you see what I don't see

So I'll be just a friend, I'll be just a friend

I know that I will be happy

Even if we're just friends, I'll be just a friend

I guess that's that

To be honest, I'm a strong believer that the friendzone is actually one of the healthiest ways to begin a relationship.  If you want to know more on why I think the "Dreaded Friendzone" is actually important, check out the blog post here.

Basically, what it comes down to is that most of the things we desire in this world take wisdom and discernment in order to be cared for properly.  But they also take something else, which is the reason for the clock in that picture up there.

Patience.

Believe me, I'm preaching mostly to myself here.  If something is in God's will, it will happen, but only in his timing.  Sometimes his timing takes a little while, sometimes a lot of while.  Either way, good things come to those who wait, and that's the lesson I took away with me from the books below.

So, after that entirely long intro... Because of my extreme love for the written word, I have hand picked with care some of my favorite fictional couples that display the friendzone in a positive light.  I hope it inspires you and helps you see the beauty of what it can become, instead of just the "sorrow" of what it is.

Without further ado...in no particular order...here's a little hope for your week.

Annabeth and Percy from Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan

Her first words to him were "you drool when you sleep", they competed and teased each other to no end, and almost lost their lives countless times before finally noticing how much they had grown to care about each other.  Even then, their friendship always came first, and they would do anything (and have done everything) to make sure the other one is alright.  Not even Greek/Roman warfare or a walk through Tartarus could separate these two Camp Half-Blood regulars.

"Put your cap back on," I said.  "Get out!"

"What?"  Annabeth Shrieked.  "No!  I'm not leaving you."

"I've got a plan.  I'll distract them.  You can use the metal spider - maybe it'll lead you back to Hephaestus.  You have to tell him what's going on."

"But you'll be killed!"

"I'll be fine.  Besides, we've got no choice."

Annabeth glared at me like she was going to punch me.  And then she did something that surprised me even more.  She kissed me.

"Be careful, Seaweed Brain."  She put on her hat and vanished.

I probably would've sat there for the rest of the day staring at the lava and trying to remember what my name was but the sea demons jarred me back to reality. 

Emma and Mr. Knightly from Emma by Jane Austen

He knew her and loved her since she was practically a baby.  She considered him her dear friend who was sometimes a little too honest.  Their friendship was a roller coaster, filled with her dizzy, romantic schemes for her friends, and him trying to get her out of trouble.  But no matter how big of a mistake she made, he was always the one to love her just as she was.  I love this story, because the two people who thought themselves the most difficult person to love, ended up finding love in each other.

Emma was almost ready to sink under the agitation of this moment.  The dread of being awakened from the happiest dream, was perhaps the most prominent feeling.

'I cannot make speeches, Emma:' - he soon resumed; and in a tone of such sincere, decided, intelligible tenderness as was tolerably convincing. - 'If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.  But you know what I am. - You hear nothing but truth from me. - I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other woman in England would have borne it. - Bear with the truths I would tell you now, dearest Emma, as well as you have borne with them.'

Note: The quote is from the book, but the picture is from the web-series, Emma Approved, which is most definitely worth checking out.

Walter and Ashley from the Dragons in our Midst series by Bryan Davis

When they met she was a hired genius in a science lab, and much too old for his childish ways and endless humor.  Just a few years later, he's still just as annoyingly optimistic and sarcastic as ever, but it doesn't seem to matter as much to her any more.  He's rescued her and his friends on several occasions, and proven himself to be a man of real integrity.  Maybe he wasn't so obnoxious after all.  In fact, Ashley thinks, maybe she's the one who needs to loosen up and trust in his friendship that has been so constant all this time.

Tears welled in her eyes again.  She tried to swallow back the surge of emotion, but it leaked out through her trembling voice.  "Walter...you know what I said about you and me?"  She rubbed her thumb along his finger.  "Maybe someday.  ...I mean, when we're older."  Her cheeks flushed hot, and she shook her head.  "I guess I'd better shut up.  I'm getting all sappy."

Setting Excalibur on the steps, Walter rose to his feet and pulled Ashley to hers, keeping their hands locked together as he gazed into her eyes.  "Listen carefully.  We're going to find your brother, your sister, and even your father, and put your family back together.  Then, someday when I'm old enough to learn to be at least half the man your father must have been, I might come knocking at his door and speak to him about a lovely princess I'd like to have a lot more adventures with."

Her tears now flowing, Ashley laid a hand on his cheek.  It was hot and damp.  "Walter, I... I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything.  We have at least a few years between now and then."  He picked up Excalibur and hurried down the stairs.  "We'd better get going." 

Anne and Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

Smashing a school black board over someone's head isn't exactly the crowning way to start a relationship, but it seemed to work out for this pair.  In fact, I would go as far as saying that Gilbert Blythe is the KING of the friendzone.  Anne shunned him to no end, even after they became friends.  And yet, even after all she put him through and all the times she turned him down, he remained dedicated to her in friendship and "would not be sidetracked".  He knew she was the only one he could love, and so he waited patiently and respectfully for several years until she could find it within herself to love him too.  This is my favorite friendzone example.  I could have used any number of scenes as a sample of these characters, but I chose this one specifically because it's the first time Anne finds the notion within herself that there could be something more with Gilbert, and I think it's worded brilliantly.

"Yes, it's beautiful," said Gilbert, looking steadily down into Anne's uplifted face, "but wouldn't it have been more beautiful still, Anne, if there had been NO separation or misunderstanding... If they had come hand in hand all the way through life, with no memories behind them but those which belonged to each other?"

For a moment Anne's heart fluttered queerly and for the first time her eyes faltered under Gilbert's gaze and a rosy flush stained the paleness of her face.  It was as if a veil that had hung before her inner consciousness had been lifted, giving to her view a revelation of unsuspected feelings and realities.  Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this attempt at a little sunshine in the middle of what is usually a negative subject.  And I hope even MORE so that you'll check out all these books for yourselves.  They're really fantastic!

Thanks for reading!  God bless!

That One Time God Told Me To Read A Romance Novel...

God gave me a major wake up call a little bit ago...

But before I go into the story, let me relay that about four or five months prior to this I had given up reading romance novels.  Completely.  Now, to clarify, I've never really been into bad romance books.  The only romance novels I've ever read are the ones with Christian characters who honor God with their love stories.  That shouldn't be bad, right?  I didn't think so...

That is, until I started fantasizing about every guy my age that passed by me in the supermarket, and constantly asked the question "is he my future husband?"  Not exactly a healthy situation to be in.  It took me all of about a week of this before I realized that I was slowly slipping into that "Boy Crazy" phase that I often teased other girls about, and had never experienced personally.  It was far easier to do than I had anticipated, and it needed to stop.  Henceforth, even though I had just bought one more novel that was simply begging to be read, I decided to go cold turkey.  No more novels that were directly about a love story, I cut back on listening to my playlist of Christian love songs, and my Hallmark Channel movie watching fizzled out very, very quickly.

To be honest, this wasn't that difficult for me.  Ever since my first heartbreak situation, training myself not to think about love had been a daily activity, and I've gotten extremely good at ignoring those warm fuzzy feelings that most people idealize.  Over time and throughout various experiences, assuming people have indifferent feelings toward me had become my default setting.  If I assume from the beginning that they don't care, and I convince myself that I don't care either, no one gets hurt, right?

Wrong.

I realized that not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it also robs you of living a full life.

But more on that later...

Anyway, once I stopped my romance kick and started being more real with myself, I found I was a much happier person.  The months that followed were loaded with amazing friendships, and God worked on altering my heart and filling my cup in a big way.  So many past hurts from broken not-so-relationships and friendships alike were healed, and forgiveness became a fountain of refreshment and joy for me.  Friend issues related to my insecurities were a thing of the past, and I gained an incredible group of people that surrounded and encouraged me everyday.

I spent more time focusing on who God would want me to be for my future spouse, rather than who my future spouse should be for me.  

That break away from romance media really opened my eyes to how corrupted it can really be, and even the Christian side can suck you in if you're not careful. I began feeling extremely thankful that I had chosen to put away those books, and promptly decided that maybe I should make the "no romance novels rule" a permanent one.  I assumed that this was the end of the on going "I'm not worthy" attitude that had plagued my mind, and I was ready to say farewell to all of the downsides that came with it.  That's what my mindset was when something really weird happened.

As usual, apparently God had different plans.

 I was praying about my future spouse, like I have been a lot recently, and asking for advice on what to do to prepare my heart, when I heard it clear as day.

"Read."

Read, I thought... Read what? For how long? I've already read all the dating books on my shelf.

"Read."

The voice repeated over and over, getting more persistent with each question I asked. That's when my eyes landed on it... That one Christian romance novel that I hadn't read yet.  Surely, Lord, you couldn't mean that book! I stopped reading those because of you! Why would you want me to read it now?

"Read it.  I want to show you something."  His voice was loving, kind, and clear as day.

My surprise, on the other hand, was pretty intense. Never in my life had I thought that God would ever tell me to read a romance novel. But once I started the book, it didn't take long at all for me to realize why.

The main character's name was Gisela, and the story was a renaissance-style version of Cinderella with a Christian twist.  And as much as I wanted to deny it while I read, there was one overpowering theme that my mind kept going back to.  This girl's personality was Just. Like. Me.

Now, I've never experienced anything like being verbally abused and neglected by a stepmother and two stepsisters.  That part of the story didn't have any similarities even close to the blessing of my supportive, loving, God-fearing family.  But what I could relate to was that feeling of wanting to protect my heart at all costs.

Friends have been a hard case for me since elementary school. 

I have memories of sitting alone at youth group (except for the occasional youth leader), having some of my closest companions move away on short notice, and being rejected by kids my age quite often throughout the years.  Because of this, I learned how to fake emotions without actually feeling them very quickly.  Unlike Gisela, my family has been my rock through each and every one of these circumstances, and they've stood up for me on more than one occasion when I needed it.  I'm so thankful to have been blessed with such a closely knit family, and I thank God for them every day.

Even so, having to relearn who I could trust over and over again didn't make this introvert's world an easy place to be.  With each new person who left me behind, I found myself falling more and more in love with the idea of being alone.  Many of these events happened years ago, but to this day the memories of them make it so that I have some difficulty truly trusting people.  I also found the words "I don't care" running through my head much more often.  Whether I was starting to realize my affection for a guy, or starting to really appreciate someone's friendship, I would brush it off and try to convince myself that I didn't care as much as I really did.  This seemed to work for awhile...

Until I read this book...

Gisela was in the same boat.  After being rejected over and over again, her heart was too damaged to even recognize whether someone genuinely cared for her or not.  She spent most of her time by herself, using "I enjoy being alone" as an excuse to avoid further damage.  I immediately saw myself in her, even right down to the many times she whispered "I don't care" to herself throughout the book.

God caught me red handed.

He knew what I'd been doing wasn't healthy.  Even I knew that.  But my fear of getting hurt had been too great for me to change anything.  Suddenly, as I read more and more about this character, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.  She was ridiculously insecure.  And when Prince Charming finally did come her way, making grand, Christ-like gestures of love to her, it was as though she didn't even notice.  True God given love was right in front of her face, but it was incomprehensible.  Even after this amazing guy journeyed to save her life and proposed, she still asked "Are you certain you want to marry me?"  She was head over heels for Valten, a man of God who had chosen her, saved her, and asked her for her hand in marriage, and yet Gisela still couldn't understand that God would send her someone who could love her that much.

The realization hit me while reading the scene with that conversation.  I'm known as a girl who doesn't date much, if ever.  According to some, I often come across as "too picky"when it comes to guys, and "I should really be more open to possibilities", which is probably true.  Although, yes, a small part of this is just that I have high standards, I'm realizing more and more that a lot of that "choosy" attitude is that I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one again and getting hurt.

However, reading that question, after all Valten had done to show Gisela that he loved and adored her, and being able to relate so fully to her asking made me realize that I've made a terrible mistake of my own.

Valten and Gisela got married, of course.  And there was a happy ending, to be sure.  But in the end, I felt as though the leading lady had been totally robbed of her love story.  Because of all the brick walls she had placed around her heart; walls that I myself have had in place for a very long time, she had spent the entire book wrapped in a bubble of "I'm afraid to be loved".  It made me wonder...

How many times have I missed an opportunity to love because I was afraid of temporary injury?

Reading this book, I felt as though God had given me a glimpse into my future, and I'm so glad he did.  Do I really want to miss out on my very own, beautiful, hand-written-by-God love story because of something as small as fear?  Am I prepared to chance allowing some amazing friendships pass me by just because I might possibly get hurt in the end?  Do I really want to live my life hiding behind dark, bullet-proof walls?

Certainly not!

That's why, as soon as I reached the final page of Gisela's story, I made an immediate decision to change my own.  I asked God to remove the bricks around my heart from years of fear and rejection, and to give me discernment and wisdom concerning who I should allow past the simple garden gate that he put in it's place.  This gate has no locks, no hooks, no bolt.  But, unlike the bricks, it allows light in, so that the garden of my heart can grow and thrive.  I'm going to allow God, not fear, to dictate all of my social connections from here on out.

Recognizing love is still a struggle for me, and I presume it will be.  Old habits tend to die hard, and brushing off affection is a very old habit for me.  But God is teaching me how to love with my whole heart again, and also helping me realize which people in my life will show me the same kind of love.

Despite my doubts, there are more of these wonderful people in the world than I could have ever hoped for.

I've regained old friendships, immersed myself in new ones, and forgiven those that walked away.  My heart is in God's hands now, instead of tightly clenched in my own.  And although that thought is a bit unnerving at times, it gets easier with each day.  For the first time I feel like I can be honest with myself about loving people, and admit that I'm not always happiest when I'm alone.  "I don't care" isn't even a part of my vocabulary phrasing anymore.

I never would have expected to learn all of that from a romance novel.  But sometimes God works in mysterious ways.  Hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes.  I'm going to end this post with a quote from another book character who I'm told is quite like me...

Why I Love The Friendzone (And I'm Not Being Sarcastic About It)

Lately it seems like my world has been surrounded by dating/love/marriage conversation on all sides.  Ever since I started working as a server at the Florian Gardens (a popular destination for weddings and receptions) a year and a half ago, I've had married life pushing into my thoughts a lot.  It's probably a normal thing to think about at my age, but I've never really considered...well...how much there is to consider when it comes to this topic.

After working a number of weddings that's probably stepped past the 30s or so, I've learned a ton about couples.  After reading countless dating guides and watching every courtship, engagement, and wedding episode of 19 Kids and Counting with my family, I've realized how much it takes to make a relationship work.  And after growing up with 1940's musicals as my dream dating situation, I've gotten very used to the idea that the kind of love I idealize isn't newfangled; it's old fashioned (Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly anyone?).

My "first official date" taught me a lot about relationships.  

There was planning, tons of discussion behind the scenes on how to make it perfect, and the only one who didn't seem to have unbelievably high expectations for the occasion was me.  All I wanted was a simple evening where we could be ourselves, talk, and enjoy each other's company.  Yet, somehow, everyone else managed to convince us that we should want something much more complicated and straight out of a fairytale, and we made the mistake of listening.

We stressed over how we looked, we were scared to speak, and we constantly worried that it wouldn't be the "perfect story" that everyone else was expecting.  We had spent our entire friendship leading up to that date just being ourselves and not caring what each other, or anyone else, thought.  Then the moment we were thrown into a typical dating situation we felt totally different.  It wasn't our natural "make it up as we go" routine, and it was uncomfortable.  The date ended up turning out well, and the day itself was beautiful, but in that one evening I discovered why so many marriages don't work out...

Because people tend to live for the story, not for the moment.

To me it seems like most of this world... Actually, I would go as far as saying 90% of this world, assumes that the person who does dating well will also do marriage well.  What people don't realize is that these are two totally opposite things!  In dating, when it doesn't work you just move on and start over.  When you go out for an evening, the guy pays, the guy plans, and the guy is the one on whom the tone of the evening rests.

Now I'm not saying that a guy who does all that isn't attractive (in fact, a guy who offers to plan and pay is very attractive).

What I am saying is this:

Yes, the men are meant to be the head of the household and the point of leadership.  I totally believe that they were designed for that job.  I also believe that women were created to play the more submissive role, and to be the gentle support of the relationship.  But isn't it also true that the whole point of marriage is meant to be two people joining as one and working through things as a team?  A team where God leads you both forward amidst the messiness of life, understanding that the only perfection that will ever realistically exist in the relationship will be the perfection of Christ?

If you're going to date realistically, take turns going to each other's homes and hanging out with family.  If you want to do something just the two of you, why not make it classically simple.  Go to the movies, watching one you both want to see, or taking turns making a compromise (an action film for him, a chick flick for her).  Go to a park and talk about life.  Go bowling, and the loser can pay for coffee afterwards.  Be spontaneous, last minute, and messy!  Why?

Because life is spontaneous, last minute, and messy, and your marriage will be too!

We've grown too accustomed to the entitled lifestyle of perfectly planned and elitely organized dating expectations.  Every girl I know (including myself) has a Pinterest board full of detailed plans about what they desire for their future relationships to be, and if they don't they've at least thought about it a lot.  Believe me, I'm as guilty as the next female.  But if you think about it...

Doesn't it make more sense just to live, love, and choose to find joy in the simple things?

I think it does.

Now, at this point you might be asking, how does the friendzone fit into all of this?  Keep reading.  Trust me.  This was a really roundabout process, but I'm getting there.

I have known quite a few males and females alike who look for people who "date well".  To be honest, I've never understood the appeal.  I don't know about you, but something about the whole dating idea just seems so fake.  You could pretend the whole way through, and not even learn a thing about each other.  No... Not for me.

I'm far more captured when I discover a guy who exceeds relationally inside the honesty and vulnerability of close friendship.  There are no expectations, no pressure points (most of the time), and nothing to be gained or lost on either side.  Just two people who care about each other and want to know more.  That's all it takes.

In my mind: Friendship well = Marriage well.

If I can comfortably talk to you about anything and feel that my thoughts are being equally heard and considered, I will trust you.

If you can talk to me about anything and I find myself captivated by your honesty and compelled to open up my schedule for more quality time will you, you will be one step closer to winning my heart.

If I thirst for a Christ-centered, more faith based version of myself after each time we hang out, I will probably start inadvertently picturing our wedding day and naming our children.  (Weird, I know, but that's just how the female mind works).

Not a single date needed.

Eventually, when I do get married, I'm going to want someone I can watch the stars with on the driveway in the summertime, and listen to the rain with when it storms.  I'll want a hand to hold at the movies, and the comfort of feeling his arm around me at church every Sunday.  I'll want to go to lunch after church service and talk about the message, and then eventually share that tradition with our kiddos.  We could spend late nights together, planning trips, talking about life, and just plain dreaming for the future.  I hope I'll be able to tell what he's thinking, just by that certain look on his face.  Everything we plan, dream, and do will be done together.  We'll have trouble, and we'll disagree.  But God will always be at the center, and we'll use the love He has for us to make us a stronger, more closely knit couple.

And the most important part:

When two people who started in the friendzone begin a relationship, they'll never have to worry that the only motivation for becoming a couple was emotions.  When you start with friendship, the connection is raw, and unhindered, and real.  There are no butterflies, speeding heartbeats, or shimmering eyes to tell you that you love this person.  Just conversation, similarity, and trust.

From there, it's all based on character, and whether or not you feel called to the same things.  Not to mention, it's a whole lot easier to hear God speak on the matter when there aren't a bunch of fuzzy feelings charging through your system.  It's just a much healthier way to approach a relationship, and a simpler way to get to know if this is someone you would like to spend your whole life with.

So, to summarize...

I'm not saying you shouldn't date.  

Dating, or courting, or whatever you want to call it, is a healthy part of the process toward marriage, and I believe that special time together is important in order to get to know each other and learn if this is the person that God intends for you to be with.  That's when you start seeing how well you work as a couple.

However, dating should not be a perfect little box of happy, or something you do because of pressure. 

It should be the next level in a friendship heading toward marriage.

I believe that dating was not meant to be the very first step in a relationship.  This whole chain reaction should start with the base of a sturdy, laughter-filled, good old fashioned friendship.  The only place where two people are able to truly, honestly learn about each other without any sort of barriers or walls attached.

Because I don't want a date as my husband...  I need a lifelong friend.

One of my favorite Youtubers says it best in the video below.  The friendzone is just a way for God to show us his love, grace, and powerful ability to change hearts for the better.  It also teaches us patience, and forces us to fully put our trust in God.  Still need proof that the Friendzone is a great place to be?  Check it out...