A Day In The Life Of Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

If you or someone you know has anxiety of any kind, you know what confusion is like. I can say that because I have social anxiety, and it's a part of my daily struggle. We are confusing people. We're painfully aware of that truth, believe me. That's why I want to help.

Believe it or not, helping someone with anxiety is simple. It all comes down to helping us train our brains. That sounds weird, I know. But conditioning an anxiety brain to know it's safe when you're near is the secret to a calm, happy anxiety friend.

Before I go into that, though, it's important that you see life through our very specific set of eyes.

Here's what a typical day looks like with an anxiety brain...

I just woke up. My neck, shoulders, and back are sore. It was a stressful day yesterday, and I must have been tensing up again. (Sometimes we can go a whole day with constantly tensed up muscles and not even know it. It's our normal.)

I know I should eat breakfast, but I'm too nervous. There's too much to get done. I need to make sure I succeed today, or I'll start spiraling. I have to mentally prepare before I call about setting up my routine dental appointment today, I don't want to say something idiotic and mess up. I'll just grab a granola bar and call it good. (It's different for everyone, but for social anxiety phone calls are usually the absolute worst. If an anxiety brain can talk on the phone with you and feel comfortable, congratulations, you have been accepted into the circle! I think I can name about 7 people I can talk on the phone to without having to psych myself up first. My parents, my siblings, and one of my cousins.)

Then I'm meeting with a friend later, so I need to think through a mental list of conversation topics. I don't want to leave things silent for too long or they'll think I'm awkward. I also need to think through every possible scenario of what could go wrong so I can prepare accordingly. I don't want to seem lonely, but I still want them to know I want to be there. I don't want to seem clingy, but I don't want to be distant either. I also don't want to offend them by accident. I've been hurt, and I don't ever want to be the source of someone else's pain. I'll have to be super careful. (This is often why people with anxiety are introverts. It takes a lot of energy and effort to talk to people. Especially for social anxiety.)

I finished my phone call, and I didn't mess up. Mental high five! Now I'm at the grocery store. All the self checkouts are closed, so I have to use a normal lane. I hope I don't say something stupid to the cashier. I'll say only what I absolutely have to, and then leave. Hopefully there's a self checkout open next time. (I pretty much only use self checkouts when the option is available. And no, it's not because I'm trying to put cashiers out of a job, so stop bringing that up, please.)

As I'm looking at my to do list for the day, I see my email list, and notice that there are several emails piled up in my work account. There are also several messages on facebook that I haven't had time to answer, and I should start somewhere so people don't think I'm ignoring them. Oh no... I shouldn't have opened my emails. I forgot about that project I was supposed to submit yesterday. They must think I'm an awful person. I feel terrible. I don't want to be bad at my job. It's too much... I failed. I won't get it all done. Why do I even try when I always mess up? (At this point I can feel my heart rate increasing. Something so simple, and yet my brain has just told my body it's in danger. Fight or flight is activated, and adrenaline is released into my body. My thoughts become blurred and unclear. My chest simultaneously feels like there is a balloon full of moths on the inside, and a boulder on the outside. If it's really bad, and I've had a hard enough week, I might starting having shallower and more sporadic breathing.)

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. How do I calm down? I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm by myself. Just focus...focus... You can't do this right now, you need to drive home so your ice cream doesn't melt. Focus on that. No melty ice cream. That's the goal. (It might sound ridiculous, but oftentimes having a simplified, single goal to focus on in an anxiety attack is the very thing that helps us function through it. Someone once told me to start praying for a friend when this happens as well, and that helps a lot to distract and center the racing thought process of Fight Or Flight mode. Sometimes I'll recite Psalm 139 to myself. Using focus techniques to stop an anxiety attack is called "grounding," and the best thing for grounding is Jesus.)

Okay, I made it home. I should eat something, and then I'll stretch or watch a show for a while. I'll make some green tea. Maybe I'll read. I can't answer my emails now. I'm too frazzled and I might make a mistake. I'll do it later. (Believe it or not, procrastination is a sign of anxiety. We put things off because we feel we can never live up to the perfection we hope for the project to achieve, or we worry that we'll never be satisfied with it ourselves, so it's really hard for us to start or truly finish anything. That's why I'm a perfectionist personality who almost always has a messy room. I have to clean it all in one day, or it's not worth it.)

I messaged my friend to ask if we were still getting together today. I also asked how their struggles with their family have been going. They saw my message, but they're not replying. Should I have not asked? Did I say something wrong? Maybe they don't even want to see me today. They're probably just tolerating me. Or maybe they only get together with me because they don't have any other options for friends. I know I worry about things a lot, so maybe that's why? I wish I knew what they were thinking. Why won't they text back? Why am I like this? I shouldn't think about things this way. I don't blame them if they hate me... (This sounds extreme, but it's not. This is my thought process. My anxiety is sourced from rejection and abandonment situations with friendships and relationships that happened when I was in middle and high school. Situations where people I got really, deeply close to left me behind without telling me why. They just stopped communicating with me, avoided talking to me in person, and wouldn't tell me what happened when I asked. So I tend to associate silence with abandonment. Even if that's far from the truth, and I know that, that's just what my brain does.)

I've been staring at my phone, waiting for a reply that probably won't come, because they must hate me for some unknown reason. Suddenly I become aware of a deep soreness in my neck, shoulders, and jaw. I had been clenching my teeth together for the past hour, and I hadn't even noticed. I have to force my jaw to relax. It really aches, now, but that's normal. (This happens so much. I'm never truly relaxed. I find myself clenching my jaw a lot when I'm having a bad anxiety day.)

My thoughts are spinning. Everyone hates me. I can't get my work in on time. I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling overwhelmed. And now I'm spiraling. I know I'm spiraling. I know these thoughts aren't true. But what if they are? Isn't it better to be aware and in pain than to be happily oblivious? Why do I do this to myself? (Oftentimes, anxiety isn't triggered by one event. It's usually triggered by many compiled thoughts, which is why it's harder to predict when an anxiety attack is going to take place than a panic attack, which are more pointed and situation based.)

Now a family member is speaking to me. They're asking me if I completed that small task that they asked me to do earlier. I snap at them that I hadn't gotten the chance yet. I don't know why I'm angry. My mistakes are not their fault. Adrenaline is still in my system, so I have energy that has nowhere to go. I can feel that energy building in my chest. My heart rate increases again. They're surprised at my outburst and get frustrated, since they were only asking a simple question. I should apologize, and tell them about my day, but I'm embarrassed about how little overwhelms me, and I don't want to admit it. So I get mad. I don't know what I'm mad about, I just am. The build up of tension releases, and I explode. This sparks an argument that could have been easily defused if I would have just told the truth earlier, but I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles. (90% of the time, when I get mad it's because of something going on behind the scenes, and not because of the situation directly in front of me. I'm not good at owning up to the things that are bothering me, especially because anxiety makes me feel so small.)

Once the argument is over, I isolate myself for an hour or so, just until I can calm down. Then I feel terrible. That argument was ridiculous. I just ruined someone else's day. I'm so selfish. Why am I so selfish? I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't. So why am I? I go to the family member and apologize. We hug, and things are fine again. I complete the task they asked me about in the first place. (Explosions and arguments often happen when I don't get the chance to calm down after an anxiety attack. I need to get better at communicating this to people, but it's hard. I don't like owning up to the problem.)

Meanwhile, my friend has replied to my message. They're excited to get together, and tell me they can't wait. They had been in an area without phone service, which is why it took them a while to reply. We plan where we're going to meet. I go through "socialization protocol" in my head one more time before I go to meet them. We end up having an amazing time. When I get home, I think through everything I said with my friend. The only sentences that come to mind are ones that I thought might have sounded dumb. I dwell on these sentences for several days, maybe weeks, and sometimes even apologize for them. Usually the friend doesn't even remember me saying the thing that I was dwelling on. (I still lay awake in the middle of the night thinking of dumb things I said when I was in elementary school. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's my reality.)

Well... There you go...

There's a taste of what our day typically looks like. Now, this is a more extreme scenario. Having all of these examples take place on the same day would be considered a really bad anxiety day. And this day would be the result of me not taking care of myself, or not taking my usual precautions. When I eat regular meals, sleep right, and take proper care of my mental and emotional health my anxiety tends to be a lot better. That's a daily process, though. I also have certain breathing techniques, supplements, and other tricks that help keep my anxiety under control. Before I realized I had social anxiety, though, days like this happened often.

I'm planning to write a part two to this post about how to best help the anxiety brain you know. Once I write that, the link will go here...

How To Help Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

For now, though, I hope you found this helpful in itself! Anxiety is nothing to be afraid of or shy away from in a friendship. In fact, some of the most loving, considerate, big-hearted people I know are people with anxiety. We know what it's like to be alone, so we go out of our way to make sure people never feel that way.

I didn't at first, but over the years I've come to see my anxiety as a superpower. Without it, I don't think I would appreciate the friends I have as much. Anytime someone shows me deep unconditional love, I'm pleasantly surprised and eternally impacted by their willingness to stick around. People leaving is normal. People staying is beautiful.

Without anxiety, I never would have started writing. The worlds, and characters, and stories I've had the blessing to create because of this illness are a greater gift than I can even comprehend. And it's because of that writing that I was able to start creating original plays and skits, which is something I still do to this day. I even got to watch one of those plays come to life last fall.

I still pray that God will take my anxiety from me. Mostly because I notice how it negatively impacts those around me. But I also understand if he doesn't. Some of the most beautiful stories are woven with pain and struggle, but they have hope as well.

As Jesus said in the garden before he was arrested, "Father, take this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Sometimes God purposefully allows pain to remain in our lives. And it's because of love that he does this. Only he can see the ending. He wrote it. And he knows exactly what plot points will help us accomplish his beautiful, unique, blessed plan for us.

Anxiety is hard, frustrating, and exhausting, but it's led me through green pastures. It's placed me beside still waters. It's a tool that God has used to restore and refresh my soul on multiple occasions. It's also helped me reach out and relate to others who feel alone, and that's worth it's weight in gold.

Do you struggle with anxiety? How has God used it in your life, and the lives of others? 

What Adults Don't See: The Problem Is Never The Problem

"What is your problem?"

It's a fair enough question.  Everyone has one. In fact, I'm extremely willing to bet that everyone has several. There's just the difference between those who honestly admit it, and those who don't.

I'm one of those people who admits it. The one that everyone dreads asking the "How are you?" question, because they know I'll answer honestly.  If I'm not okay, I will tell you flat out. I don't have secrets.  As a youth leader and theatre director I make every effort in the world to be as real as possible, and being an open book seems to be the best way to do that.

The thing about being an open book... It's contagious.

A little while ago I wrote about working in youth ministry, and several lessons I've learned from it. One of those lessons involved vocabulary words that have become a part of my everyday conversations. Self-harm. Anorexia. Depression. Pornography. Anxiety. PTSD. Suicide. The list goes on and on. And what I've found over the years is that there's one thing all of these words have in common.

These words are not the problem.

Parents tell me all the time how their teen is acting out/hiding away/always searching for something more.

"I just don't know why they're clinging so hard to this unhealthy relationship."

"They're so angry all the time for no reason."

"We've tried every preventative measure and punishment, but they can't get past this addiction."

I hate to tell you this, but Jack Sparrow might have actually been right about something: "The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem."

When young adults are struggling through emotional baggage, gripping tightly to unhealthy habits/relationships, and becoming self-destructive, it's not a disease. The words in that list up there are not a diagnosis. They're a symptom.

Here's an example...

Say you have a brain tumor. It's there, it's growing, it inhibits the functionality of your daily life, and you're well aware that it exists. But instead of searching for a treatment for the original issue, you take a variety of medications to suppress the pains associated with that issue. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Not even close.

In fact, the longer you go along ignoring the tumor, the more it will grow, and the worse the symptoms will become.

I've known parents who found out that their teen had depression and was suicidal, and instead of offering compassion and seeking the source of the issue, reacted with anger. Some of the parents I've encountered even separated their child from our team of counselors when we tried to help them, grounding the teen from social situations and communication devices, and isolating them even further.

Let me be very clear: This is not the answer.

Separating the youth from positive social situations and denying the problem exists does not lead to a solution, it makes you an enabler.

If a teen you know is struggling with some sort of problem mentality, you have much bigger things to worry about than the initial situation. In every case I've seen, something much deeper was going on. These youth were dying inside long before the signs began to surface. This is where much more important words enter the picture.

Bullying. Emotional and physical abuse. Loss of a loved one. Divorce. Abandonment. Traumatic experience. Anything that might have altered the teens life in a dramatic way that they had no control over.

This is where the disease is found.

Now, I'm not saying it's a consistent rule that there's always something more going on behind the scenes when these symptoms appear. But in almost 8 years of youth ministry, I have yet to encounter a young adult situation where this didn't turn out to be the case. Thankfully, there is a solution...

Get to the source.

Now, those four words have more than one meaning. And each meaning is just as crucial as the others for getting to a cure. In my experience, these are the measures that improve and even prevent harmful situations from taking place.

1. The Source of the Emotion

When an initial outburst of unusual emotion happens, please, PLEASE do not revert to accusing the youth of "just wanting attention." I can't even tell you how damaging this is. Nine times out of ten there is something so much deeper going on. Every time you pull out the attention card you're telling the youth in question that you are not a person they can ever feel safe opening up to. The youth is going to lose respect for you, cling more tightly to their negative behavior, and will start seeking out other (most likely less moral) sources of comfort and trust.

Instead, try to get to the source of the behavior. Why do they seek out this habit/addiction/relationship? What need is it filling for them (and what is something positive that could fill that need instead)? When was the inciting incident that set this in motion?

And if the source of the issue happens to involve you in a negative way, LISTEN. Do not react with immediate harshness and anger. Calmly hear them out, ask questions about how the situation can be made better. Compromise. In other words, please, BE THE ADULT.

Put simply, react the way you would want your teen to react if roles were reversed and you brought a fault to their attention. Be respectful, attentive, and make an effort to understand their thoughts rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.

2. The Source of the Symptom

Once the source of the initial emotion is discovered, you can work toward a solution to the symptoms. When did depression start becoming more prevalent in their life? If drugs and alcohol are a bandage, where's the wound? What brought on their distrust in adult relationships, and caused them to start disrespecting authority? Find out their logic behind it.

Trust me, in most cases it doesn't take a PHD to get teens to open up. All it takes is someone who's willing to listen without immediately judging them or telling them their problem "could be worse." To them, the problem already is worse. All they want is someone to talk to about it.

Again, this takes calm listening skills, patience, and a gentle nature. Don't rush them to open up. Don't force them into telling you. Just respectfully ask the questions and allow them to tell you in their own time (it'll be sooner than you think, I promise).

No matter the attitude you're getting, the young person has most likely already considered needing help and advice in their situation, and are simply searching out the right person to approach by process of elimination. When they're finally ready to open up, make sure you're the person they feel safe with, instead of the person who will immediately default to anger and problem-solving.

Make the person more important than the problem.

3. The Source of True Healing

At the center of everything, what your youth needs more than anything is prayer. Lift them up to God daily. Ask that the Lord will surround them with people who can uplift and encourage them in the right ways when you aren't able to. Make sure your youth knows that you and God will both love them no matter what choices they make.

Seriously, that last one is super important.

So many young people think love from the adults in their life is conditional. Any overstepping of boundaries or doing something worthy of disappointment and they suddenly feel like they'll only be tolerated by their family for the rest of their lives. This isn't an exaggeration. So many teens feel this way, and it breaks my heart.

Let them know, before it's too late, that your love for them is unconditional instead of the alternative. Reassure them constantly that you're there for them no matter what. Remind them that you're there to walk with them through the storms, and that God is in control. Give them every opportunity to know that you are a safe place, a source of solid ground, and that you're willing to fight for them in every kind of storm.


I know I'm a young, unmarried person who has no parenting experience, so I understand if you have some reservations about heeding this advice. I only hope that you test these waters for yourself. Interview the teens in your life and find out if this process of assistance is something they would find beneficial.

I'm so very thankful for the young people that God has placed in my social circle. I consider them dear friends and family, and watching them grow is such a major blessing. I hope you have the chance to experience that joy!

I hope you all have a blessed week. Keep changing the world one step at a time!

"Losing Myself" On A Sunday Afternoon

This post was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to edit it until now.  God has been opening my eyes to some of his plans for me recently, and it has absolutely taken my breath away.  After months and years of questions, I'm beginning to see just how he was working all along, and how I should have just patiently trusted...  Hopefully my lessons will save you the trouble.

***

I'm in awe of you.

Even when I'm busy following my own plan, searching for what I think should be happening in my life, you're still at work.  You show me your loving kindness and mercy by continuing your good plan for me even when I'm attempting to walk on my own.  What a laughable thought.

Why do I do this?  I move ahead of you before the time is right.  I struggle, I moan and complain, I ask you why, and I'm not willing to wait.

Impatience... Not just a bad choice, it's a sin.  I've been too eager, not willing to wait on your plan.

Even still, you finally reveal your plan, and it's so easy.  You were working the whole time, and I didn't even notice.  A plan that only you could have orchestrated, at work when I was too distracted trying to bring things about in my own way.  And yet, even when I was ignoring you, you brought about the answer.

Lord, I'm so ashamed of how little faith I have in you... I long to trust you so desperately, and yet I make plans outside of you.

Transform me, Father.  Change me from the inside out and teach me to be patient.  You are the only one I want dictating my future.  No one else.  Not my own thoughts, not my friends or family, not the world and what society considers "normal."

Only you.

Refine me, Abba, in the fires of your holy forge.  Mold me into a weapon of your choosing, created with purpose and ready for whatever battlefield awaits me.  Design me with your eternal kingdom in mind, so that I might have the chance to serve some small role in your kingdom.  My life in your capable hands; the only one who can take a pointless piece of metal and turn it into a valued form with a specified purpose.  Whether it be a sword, charging forward into the unknown.  An arrow, pointing the way.  A dagger, for up close, in-the-thick-of-it warfare.  A chest plate, shielding hearts from darkness.  A helmet, protecting minds from the devil's schemes.

Whatever is needed most, you choose.  I will wait with great anticipation to discover what you create.  I will be patient, content with the fact that, no matter my specific title, I am already the dear beloved of God.

Today my shirt says "I am yours and you are faithful."  I've been harboring so much bitterness, Jesus.  Anger toward those who have left me behind.  I've been prideful, and filled with hate.  I've convinced myself that my feelings are justified.

No...

Everyone who's not in my life anymore was removed for a reason.  My judgements toward them are only a demonstration of my imperfect heart, not theirs.  You not only saw every moment, you walked it with me.  You orchestrated each friendship's beginning and end, working each one for my good.  My bitterness toward those people and situations after all this time is keeping me from completely experiencing the fullness of your love.  Each day of confusion and tears was written in your book, along with exactly how you would work each minute into the goodness of your plan for me.  You've always known who you want me to become, even before I was a thought in anyone's mind.  Every moment, whether joy or pain, was designed with a positive purpose; to get me there.  Each step has deepened my relationship with you in a way that nothing else could have.  You pursue me with tireless passion and determination.  You don't just tolerate my existence, but genuinely adore me with perfect, unconditional love that no one else can offer.  A love that my sinful heart can never truly comprehend or repay.

A gift greater than anyone could possibly surpass.

The real trouble is I've spent so much of my life trying to find myself.  What does that even mean, "finding myself?"  I've already been found.  The creator of the stars knows me better than even I do, and yet I'm worried about finding myself?

All this time I've wasted, and I've only just realized that my time would have been better spent losing myself.  Losing myself in you.

I keep wandering aimlessly, feeling sorry for myself as though I'm such a lost cause.  If only I would open my soul and start listening to you before reaching sorry desperation, I would hear a very different message than the one I usually give myself.  I shouldn't be finding myself...  Because only by losing myself do I find more of you.

My only function, the one thing I was created for, is to live life solely to bring you glory.  I'm meant to breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry, speak, and love in such a way that anyone could look at me and see you instead.

No matter what the world says.  No matter how many times I lose direction and focus, and attempt to find my way back on my own.  No matter how hard I am on myself, and how many times I question the way you created me.  To you I am always enough.

All my flaws, all my gifts, everything that makes me who I am, just as I am... It's enough for you.

I can just be.

This New Year I had some trouble.  I couldn't figure out a good resolution.  Not because I couldn't think of anything to improve.  Not at all.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I have way too much to improve.  So, how do you pick just one thing to work on about yourself?  The last two years I've chosen more general life goals.  It started in 2015 with the resolution to "live bravely."  In 2016 it was to "be joyful" in every circumstance, which was surprisingly more difficult than the live bravely challenge. 

And now I think I just found my newest resolution.

In 2017 I'm going to strive to "lose myself" in God's love.  I've spent too much time looking for love in other places.  Created too many failures attempting to find myself without my Savior.

It's a lot like driving. 

You know when you pull up to a stop light, and you're anticipating the moment when that light turns green?  What do you look at in the moments before you get the go signal?  Are you the person who looks at the red light and waits patiently for it to turn green?  Or do you look at the light that's currently green to see when it turns red?  I caught myself doing the second thing one day, and God called me on it in a big way.  In fact, I haven't been able to get that lesson out of my head ever since. 

"What are you doing looking at someone else's greenlight, when you should be patiently watching me to give you a greenlight of your own?"

Ouch.

My loving Father, I don't want to do that anymore.  It's time to get lost in the beauty of all you are.  I want my breath to be stolen away by the glory of your presence.  I don't want to push you away anymore.  You've chased after me my entire life.  Even after I gave my life to you, you still didn't stop pursuing me.  You are pure, untainted love, and I fall more in love with you everyday. 

Truthfully, I'm a mess.  I'm envious, judgmental, insecure, broken, selfish, controlling, and constantly aware of my every fault.  I'm a disaster.  I'm trying.  I'm constantly failing.  But somehow, that's not what you see.  I will never live up to all the expectations I have for myself.  But somehow that doesn't matter.

Because, despite all of that, you love me anyway.  And I will never thank you enough.

The Weight of the World

(Warning, there's a lot of reality below)

I'm not sure why I'm blogging today, or what I'll even write about...

Lately I can't help feeling like my home is falling apart.  I'm falling apart with it.  I keep reading quote after quote about trusting God, and I desperately want to.  But with each passing day I find that my faith isn't as strong as I wanted it to be.  Reading my Bible gets harder and harder.  I'm journaling more and more.  I'm annoyed with sunshine, and only seem to find comfort when it's raining, like today.  On the upside, my prayer life has never been so active.  Although most of it is just me asking why things aren't changing.

Songs like "Silhouette" by Owl City have become my go-to music of choice.  I know everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, but that reason is clouded in many shadows.  I know the more depressed and upset I allow myself to get, the more satan gets the upper hand.  But I don't know how to change it.  I'm in the center of a tornado.  I myself am doing alright, but everything around me is chaos.  And all I can think to do is write, sleep, and whisper to God for comfort, not necessarily in that order.

I know that this is all happening because my family is heavily involved in ministry.  As soon as we started this new project, I knew we were all in for (to replace a more accurate word that I would rather not use) one heck of a trip.  I just had no clue how bad it would actually get.  All around me walls are falling to the ground; walls that have taken lifetimes to build.  It's shattering me.

What's worse is everyone else involved in this project is experiencing the same thing.  Everyday I find out about another life that's falling to pieces.  Another world that shifting on it's axis, causing earthquakes all around.  Another change that's just too much to take.

We're worn.  We're damaged.  We're barely walking.

And yet God is relying on us to bear the weight of this story?  This stream of events and problems that are way beyond our understanding?  Or... at least they used to be.

Wow...

Maybe that's it.  In this film, this movie we're destroying ourselves to create, we cover a multitude of teenage problems.  Anxiety, depression, divorcing parents, self-harm, suicide, bullying, death and loss, addiction, pornography, and more.

Every single one of these topics has been experienced by our cast and crew over the past two months.  These are the very topics that are tearing us to shreds.  The tools and temptations that the devil has been using to turn our souls.  And here we are.

Talk about accurate portrayal.

We relate to these characters more than we realize, I think.  In this process, these characters have been our traveling companions.  And these characters will end up discovering what we have just been learning ourselves...

We cannot rely on ourselves to heal.

We can't even rely on each other.

The only One we can rely on to remove our tinted goggles, and reveal the true view of grace and love beyond, is the only One who's capable of doing it in the first place.

God.

In the past we've had other awful roads in order to reach positive results.  Some of the greatest points of impact this group has ever made were the projects that we "just wanted to get through."  Why would God allow this movie to be any different?  If the journey didn't carry so much pain, would we come out as close as our cast and crew have become?  Isn't it worth it when God is a god who can give our struggles purpose?

And maybe, just maybe, when people leave the theater after seeing this film, they'll come up to us and say we made a difference.  And if that happens maybe we'll be able to say, with tears of joy and humble hearts, that nothing in that film was of our own ability.  We'll listen to their stories of pain and brokenness, and actually be able to relate.  We'll introduce them to the real director of this film, and weep together as they get to know who Jesus is.  And maybe, for those who open up to us, they'll find that their night at the movies turned out to feel a lot more like church.  And maybe they'll walk to their cars with a weightlessness they've never experienced before.

And maybe, because of our struggles, they'll leave the theater that day bound for Heaven.

Isn't that why we're in this world in the first place?

Or have I forgotten that life isn't about me...

Maybe those walls that have been falling all around me are coming to ruin so that God can plant a garden in its place...


Father, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  When will I ever learn that Your plan is so much bigger than me?  When will I stop pretending that my very small knowledge, my three feet of spiritually nearsighted vision, is all that there is?  If You're an ocean, I'm a single drop of rain.  If You're the sky and the stars, I'm a feeble paper kite, trying my best to reach you but failing all the time.  If You're soaked into the depths of the earth, I am a blade of grass growing in your love, here today and gone tomorrow.  If You make up everything, I'm nothing at all.

But that's why you sent your Son to die on the cross.  I don't have to be nothing anymore.  You gave up Your everything so I could have a chance to be a little bit of something.

Knowing that, how could I possibly look at life with anything but wonder and awe?

You see my brokenness.  You see me when I'm invisible.  You always have.  You tell me it's ok to feel the way I do, but that I shouldn't worry.  You will never leave me or forsake me.

And the same goes for everyone else.

Omnipresent, eternally loving, unconditionally forgiving, Giver of life and light, Abba, Friend, Lover of my soul.  I have no reason to be afraid when you walk beside me.  So why do I tremble?

This film has been personally commissioned by the Creator of the universe.  Lord, You hold each scene, each crew and cast member, each individual moment in the palm of Your hand.  You have seen the end result.

You have already won.

I'm so done with being kicked while I'm down.  We're already bruised, bloodied, and struggling to get our lungs to inflate.  Then the devil hits us with another wave.  But it will not last.  The floodwaters will subside as soon as we've been strengthened enough to stand.  This is the cocoon; the refining fire that will brush away the ashes and leave us new creation.

You have a plan.  At the end of this we will be one step closer to who You are, and all the struggles will make sense.  All I ask is that, until then, you hold my hand.  Lead me in the way you want me to go.  I need a map, Lord.  Right now I'm turning every which way, but nothing looks familiar.  Show me where to walk, and I will.

Better yet, show all of us so that we can walk together.  Unified.  One team with one purpose, glorifying the One who gives us breath and revives us every morning.  That is our cause.

The prince of evil has no power.  His demons will not prevail.  YOU alone, Jesus, have victory!  And this time will be no different.  There's an entire book of stories proving it's true.  Every word of the Bible shows us the miraculous power of your mercy.

Keep opening our eyes to the truth.

A Thank You Note... To The Girl Who Bullied Me

This one's for you...

To the girl that used her false confidence to make me feel small.

You, the one who started me on the path to having social anxiety, and always made sure I knew just how insignificant I was.

Who purposely made my friends feel sorry for you, so that when you teased me they would do nothing but watch in silence.  And as they walked away with you, leaving me alone with my growing insecurities, you would look back at me and smirk without them ever noticing.

You, who glared at me across the room at church, and played the victim when I tried to defend myself.

You, who put me down for being too pure, innocent, and naive, saying it was ridiculous that I had no desire to be sexy.  Who complained about all your boyfriend issues, and then went right on to making me feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one (which I found comical, by the way).

The girl who would point out my "idiocies" in public, in front of my friends and family.

The girl who was the reason I would listen to "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North in my room and sing at the top of my lungs, hoping and praying that God would give me enough grace to face you the next time.

The girl I was afraid of for far too long.

The girl who defined way too much of my high school experience.

To the girl who terrified me, gave me panic attacks, and made me wonder if trusting people was even worth it.

And if I saw you today, all I would have to say to you is...



Thank you.


I never got the chance to tell you.  Maybe someone will see this and show it to you.  I hope they do.  I wanted to send it to you myself, but you blocked me on facebook.  Maybe you felt guilty, or maybe you were actually convinced that I hated you.  Either way, I have a lot that I haven't said to you, and so here I am.

I'm going to be honest... it's taken me ages to get here.  Some of what I went through with you is the reason I have anxiety and trust issues.  But I get better everyday, and that's why I want to thank you.

I will never be thankful for the memories that I have of you, don't misunderstand me there.  The hateful glances, poisonous words, and sarcasm that felt like gunshot wounds took a long time for me to forget, and I'm not about to go back.

What I'm thankful for is who I became because of you.

The years when I felt lower than low in your presence were the years that taught me the most about what I do now: Youth Ministry.  Thanks to you, when a teen comes to me feeling insignificant, I can relate to them.  I can look them in the eye and tell them that God will use their struggles for good, because that's what He did for me.

In fact, if I had never been bullied, I doubt I would have discovered I have a passion for youth ministry at all.  It's because of you that I stumbled upon that immense gift in my life, and the reason I have now been able to help so many young people overcome their own bullies by the grace of God.

You made me feel completely alone.  But it was in that loneliness that I clung to God the most dependently.  My relationship with my Savior is deeper because of that time.  And it was in the lonely hours that He revealed his plans for my life, bit by beautiful bit.

It was also during these hours of solitude that I dove into my writing, and discovered that I could create worlds outside of my own.  Some of the best scenes I have ever written came from nights filled with tearful desperation for a distraction.  My characters grew out of that hurt.  These characters were my comfort, and are still a beloved part of my life to this day.

Thanks to you, I have learned how to not only tolerate people who are cruel to me, but also understand their situation in an effort to show them love.  Just like I had to do in order to forgive you.  It took several years, but I finally figured out the secret behind your hatred toward me, and in the end it had nothing to do with me.

People who feel insecure act cruelly in order to make others feel insecure, and so on.  I don't know why, or what happened in your life to make you feel so small that you had to resort to injuring others, but I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for whatever pain made you want to stop feeling.  I'm sorry that you felt the only way you could make and keep friends was by manipulation.  I'm sorrier still that you hated me simply because I didn't fall for your game.  There were times you even made me second guess myself, and I had to consult with adults in order to make sure I wasn't really the one at fault.

Because of that, you made me stronger.

I really do owe you a lot.  You may never know that I've forgiven you, and that breaks my heart.  God taught me so many lessons through you, all of which have greatly impacted who I am today.  I only wish I could hug you and say so in person, maybe even just to see the look of confusion on your face.

You challenged me.  You injured my self-esteem.  But your treatment of me never defined me, and I'm more confident now because of it.

I may never see you again, but if  I do, and if God gives me the courage to approach you one more time, I might just tell you so in person.

But for now, since the internet is all I have, I will do so right here.

In the past I never would have believed I could say this, but....

Thank you.

The Real Rebels

Rebel - noun

A person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or ruler.

Rebellion - noun

The act or process of resisting authority, control, or convention.

Out of all the words in the English language, this one has really been bothering me lately.  I've heard it spoken through different circles...

"It's just the teenage rebellion talking."

"They're in a rebel phase."

"I know they're only doing it for the sake of rebellion."

And it's NEVER in a positive context.  To the people of this world, the word "rebel" almost always belongs next to words like criminal, delinquent, trouble-maker, and more.  We might think of druggies, partiers, thieves...anyone who chooses to live life on the wild and crazy (and sometimes less than legal) side.  They rise up in bold opposition against the status quo.  Whether that's simply through unique hair colors, multitudes of piercings in strange places, tattoos of every shape and kind, or through the more extreme channels, they will find a way to get the word out that they are their own, and they will not be ignored.  Did I hit enough stereotypes?  I tried to nail as many as I could, so how'd I do?  I hope I did well, because I'm about to flip those stereotypes on their heads.

How many times, when you hear the word "rebel," have you thought of the word "Christian?"

Just think about it though.  Of all the above things I mentioned, how many of them have become normalized in our society?  Drugs are being legalized in certain areas of the world.  Alcohol is becoming an adulthood right of passage in families, and underage drinking is just something you do, even supported by some parents.  Stealing happens every single day.  Doing the "wild" thing just means your enjoying your "freedom."  Piercings, tattoos, and crazy hair colors used to be the rebel trademark, but now they're not even that weird.  It's just a style choice.  We've even come to the point where pre-marital physicality is a "necessary step" in finding out if a relationship works (which is a total and utter lie, by the way).

All of these things that people, young or not, are doing just to prove that they don't fit the mold.  That they're different, and aren't held down by the rules and expectations of how things should be.  To all of these people, I have a very important question.

If it's normal, and everyone is doing it, than how is it rebellious?

I'm not, by any means, saying that I support these situations.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  But honestly, if everyone is taking part in a sinful act, it shouldn't be something you do to boost your "rebel pride".

News flash: By living in the dark and opposing the rules, we are actually doing exactly what society expects of us.  We're not rebels, we're just 2nd rate followers caving to peer pressure.

Breaking the rules is not a new idea.  In fact, people have been breaking the rules for a very long time.  This shouldn't be surprising to any of us.  So then why do we act as though breaking the rules is such a new, genius idea that we just came up with?  

And then we get hit with consequences and we get mad.  Why?  History repeats itself, why weren't we expecting this?

Back on topic though...

If you consider all that I've just said, who are the real rebels?  Most of the rebels that society has labeled are clearly fakes, so who does the title truly belong to?

The real rebels think outside of the box that our culture has laid out for them.  They can't be tamed.  They are unstoppable.  Their authority doesn't come from the government, or the leaders of the world.  They're mold breakers, big dreamers, and the keepers of the only true freedom that exists.  They don't care what the world thinks, nor do they listen to what is said about them.  They walk the narrow path, where very few have gone before them.  Their sort of rebellion often leads to standing alone, but even just one of these rebels on their own is more dangerous than a million of the other, and they have been considered dangerous since the beginning of time.  They're the most unique people you will ever meet, and they often go to great lengths to fight for their cause.  Some have been tortured and killed for their crimes.  Yet they have more joy than most people could ever comprehend.  In fact, these criminals are often the nicest people you'll meet.  They come armed and ready to defend, but not with a gun or a blade.  The armor of these rebels looks very different.

'For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.'  Ephesians 6:12

'But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;'  Matthew 5:44

'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.'  Colossians 3:23

Kindness is unique.  Working with heart is rare.  Genuine compassion is dying out.  Choosing life and faith is different.  Responding to hate with love is radical.  Living with joy is becoming unheard of.  And following Jesus with complete abandon?

That's what identifies the Real Rebels...

And that's why I'm striving to be one of them.

Our rebellion is not against man, but against the spiritual forces that tempt and convince man to make dark decisions.  And, even more so, the spiritual forces that spread unending lies, convincing man that dark decisions are actually leading them to the light.  Even though these forces are everywhere, they walk unknown to all but a few.  They are dangerous, and yet are easily accepted on a widespread, global level because of the false freedom they present.

Only those who have rebelled, who have turned from the societal norm of darkness and personally tasted the light, know that these forces exist.  Only these rebels have experienced true freedom, and all the life it brings to each day.  These rebels bow down, not to the world and it's many masters, but to the only true royalty that exists.

One man.  Fully human, fully God.  The original rebel of our kind.  He was hated by authorities.  Despised by religious leaders.  Unlike other "criminals", he was peaceful.  Yet the government leaders arrested him, beat him, and put him to death.  Jesus, killed for his cause.  But even after his heart stopped beating, he continued to resist what was considered normal...

Because, after three days, our leader even rebelled against death.

After this, his followers could not be stopped.  Threatened, they stood even taller.  Tortured, their faith grew bolder.  In prison they still could not be silenced.  And over 2,000 years later, this rebellion still grows.

Most consider freedom the right to indulge, to gain, to go forth without consequence.

We consider freedom the right to abstain, to serve, to remain in the beauty of an ever-growing soul of conviction and kindness.

Most of us do not look like rebels.  We are the quiet observers.  The gentle listeners.  The sacrificial servants.  But inside we are lions.  We are hurricanes, and wildfires that cannot be tamed.  All of us have been broken before, and it's the glory of pure, untainted grace that pushes us forward.  Love is our battle cry, and faith is the ground on which we stand.

We know what it feels like to run, and we will not run any longer, for our God has granted us the strength to stand.  We each have a calling; something that breaks our hearts.  This call guides our steps.  Often we don't even know where we're being lead, but we walk just the same because we know that the only true freedom comes when we deny the world and follow the sound of our leaders voice.  Even when he is silent, we follow still.

We follow because we've seen miracles.  Mountains have moved before our eyes.  Oceans have parted just to give us a path.  Eyes have been opened, and so have hearts.  Battles in which we were outnumbered, and the odds were stacked against us, suddenly come to an end with our enemies fleeing the field.  And all of it can only be explained by one word.  One name.

Jesus.

This isn't to say that we don't still have fears.  Actually, we still have many fears.  But with all of that to live for, and all of the glory we've witnessed, why would we serve any other master?  Especially when our own master is familiar with every part of us, including the very darkest depths of our hearts, and still loves us enough to joyfully claim us as sons and daughters.  Yes, we have fears, but why should we let that keep us from following the only master who gives us the strength and opportunity to conquer them? 

We are the Real Rebels.  The Revolutionaries that aspire to be more than what this fallen world has offered us.  And though we might seem weak, we are stronger than our own ability because our God allows it to be so.  Our ability is not determined by our limitations, but by the very hands that placed each individual star in the sky.  We are considered dangerous because we have seen the truth.  Though we walk in peace, and go forth with only the intention of sharing the love, compassion, and grace that has provided our salvation, we are still considered a poison.  We are despised because we cannot be stopped.  The only one who determines our steps is our God.  We can't be controlled.

And we will not be silenced.

My Loving List Of Little Things To Live For

Some days the hardest thing to do is "just keep swimming".  This life is insane, and crazy, and maddening, and it's easy to feel like you're drowning.  But, you know what, in the midst of all this madness...

Life can also be so beautiful.

The other day I was just sitting, thinking about all the little ways that life is lovely, and it lit up my day so much that I decided to share these small beauties with you.  Without further ado, here are the things that make my world shine a little brighter.

The temporary high that comes from honest, belly-aching, tear-jerking laughter.

Finally curling up in bed after a long day.

The sound of boiling water in a kettle, which means you're one step closer to that hot beverage.

Warm sweaters on cold days.

Soup.  Just soup.

Finding someone who loves that one obscure thing as much as you do, when you thought you were alone, and you both burst with the joy of finally being able to talk about it.

Discovering something you're good at, no matter how small that thing is.

Making up after an argument, and realizing how much you love that person all over again.

Every single thing about rainy days.

Dancing.  By yourself, with friends, on stage, in the grocery store.  

Hearing a song for the first time that just meets you exactly where you are.

Your whole family being at home at the same time.

Sparkling misty mornings and cool starry nights.

Roasting marshmallows on a chilly evening, and then falling asleep smelling like a campfire.

The first snow after fall.

The first warm day after winter.

Apple orchards.

Small towns with quaint little shops.

Old movies.

Hearing married couples talk about their love story together.

Colorfully painted skies.

Conquering a fear, no matter how big or small.

Staying up late because you and a family member got talking about life and lost track of the time.

When you notice something that was hard for you is finally getting easier.

Going for a prayer walk on a windy day, and feeling God whisper to you through the tree branches.

When you really enjoy being with someone, and you realize for the first time that they really enjoy being with you too.

Watching your favorite movie and knowing every line.

Introducing a friend to something you love, and they end up loving it too.

Any answer to prayer, even if it's not the answer you expected.

Being amazed at God's love for you for the first time all over again.

When someone asks how you are and truly wants to know.

Experiencing the sights of a brand new place for the first time.

The warm familiarity of the first step back inside your house after going on vacation.

When a book gets so good that your imagination replaces the words with images.

Being able to provide someone with something they needed.

When a spontaneous project actually turns out well.

Making someone smile.

Meeting someone that inspires you.

Making peace with yourself again.

When the words come out just right.

Feeling like you need to cry, but can't.  And then someone hugs you and let's you vent, like they read your mind.

When you wait patiently (or sometimes not so patiently) for something, and God provides.

The smell of your favorite food.

When they accidentally make your coffee one size bigger than you asked for.

A kept promise.

Using the human ability to sing whenever and wherever you possibly can.  Especially in the car with the radio blasting.  Especially when you know your voice is off pitch, but don't care.

The first day you start getting over a cold, and learn to appreciate the ability to breathe, smell, and taste all over again.

Creating art, no matter how badly done, simply because the passion was bursting inside you.

Finding a verse in the Bible that relates perfectly to your situation.

Looking back to finally see the good that came from the bad, and how God placed everything perfectly.



Realizing just how fortunate you really are...

The Sanctuary

So, I met Jesus the other day.

Yeah, I know.  Cool, right?  I mean, I was just going about my daily routine, and suddenly there he was, in the flesh.  It was pretty weird, actually.  Usually I'm invisible to everybody, but with Jesus... he approached me right away.  He sought me out.  Then he asked me if I would take a walk with him.

That was REALLY unexpected.  I mean, it's JESUS.  For a second or two I wondered if someone was just playing a trick on me.  Maybe this was just another one of those cruel jokes where I always end up being the punchline.  That theory was squashed almost instantly though.  When I saw the clear look of gentle compassion in his eyes, I could tell this was the real deal.  I left with him right then.

At first it was a little bit awkward.  I stumbled through words quite a bit.  It wasn't because of nerves or anything.  I didn't feel nervous at all, actually.  It's just really hard to think of things to talk about when your walking companion already knows every thought that crosses your mind.  It was also a bit (okay, more than a bit) intimidating.  Just knowing that this man walking beside me could see everything inside of me...it was unsettling to say the least; hard to get used to.

I'm not perfect.  Surprising, I know.  In fact, some of the things I've done are far from the person I would like others to see in me.  I've fallen to the wayside more than my fair share of times.  Many of the sins I've committed aren't even physical.  Most of them are just thoughts that I've allowed to slip, or words that left before I could second-guess them.  And that's why being there, walking with this man...It should have terrified me.  So why didn't it?

Unlike everyone else, he could see every harmful, dirty, judgmental sin I had ever committed, inside and out.  I had never been with anyone who could see all of me before.  Never in my life had I felt so completely vulnerable, and yet, somehow, totally free.  He should have hated me.  He should have chosen someone else to walk with.  But he didn't.  There was no need to hide myself.  No need to spend exhaustion on wondering what he was thinking of me.

I knew what he was thinking.  As he saw all of me, he allowed me to see him as well.  What I saw was... Gosh, I can't even begin to explain.  It's like...he was saddened by this world.  But it wasn't the condemning kind of sad, or even the pitying kind of sad.  It was compassion.  He saw all of my pain, my struggles with temptation, my longing for him that was shadowed by the corruption of sin, and he didn't see it as my fault.  That still blows my mind.  Because out of all my guilt and shame, all of the agony I had put him through, his only reaction was...love.

He wanted to help me.  That's why he asked me to go for a walk.

Like I said, I must have been horribly awkward at first.  But he was patient.  He asked me how I was, even though he already knew.  But I talked about it anyway.  I was brutally honest, just because I knew he would see the same things whether I was or wasn't.  He listened intently, not offering any opinion on this thing or that, but simply hearing my heart.  That meant a lot to me.  Anyone else I talked to about these things would have jumped at the chance to fix me.  He didn't.  Then I asked him where we were going.

There was a lovely glint of playfulness in his eyes.  "You'll see."  He said.

"Why am I not surprised?"  I replied.

I heard the softest hint of laughter.  "Close your eyes."

I stopped walking and did as he asked.  I was definitely confused, but I figured I didn't need to say so.  He could probably read my curiosity loud and clear.

"Keep walking."

"With my eyes closed?"

No answer.  I knew he was still there.  I don't know how, since it was totally silent around me, but I just knew.  I just stood for a moment, waiting to see if he was actually planning on answering me.  Not a word came.  Well, I guess I had my orders.  Close my eyes and keep walking.  Right.

I took it one step at a time, walking with my arms out in front of me like a zombie.  I'm sure the other people going for walks in area were enjoying the spectacle.  A twinge of embarrassment pricked my stomach, and immediately afterwards I tripped on a stick in the path.  I stopped.

"Trust me."  He whispered.  "Don't think about them.  Just trust me."

I straightened, took a deep breath, and started again.  This time there were no obstacles.  I focused on Jesus's presence and it was almost like I could see him walking just beside me.

"Stop.  We've arrived."

"Can I open my eyes now?"  I asked.

"Please do."

I have no idea how we had gotten there, but all around us were the walls of a church.  It wasn't very large.  But the lovely detail in its simplicity made up for that.  I remember it perfectly in my mind.  Deep, beautiful honey-colored wood was the primary theme, shaded in varying hues by the intricate stained glass windows all around.  This stained glass wasn't choppy, however.  It was as though each perfectly smooth sheet of glass had just been naturally colored that way, with each window representing a different fruit of the spirit and a coinciding depiction of biblical example for that characteristic.  Everything, from the pews to the walls, were clean and fresh.  The only thing that looked at all worn was the Bible in the front.  The pages were well loved, and it sent a warm familiarity through me just to see it there.

"What is this place?"  I asked in awe, feeling compelled to take a few steps forward.

He smiled, his eyes giving off that same joyful glow.  "This is my sanctuary."

"Your sanctuary?"

"Well, it was when I lived on earth."

"Oh."  I nodded.  To be honest, I was still admiring the windows, and had only half heard him at the time.

He, of course, knew that.  I think that's why he walked up to where I was standing in the middle of the room.  I finally managed to look away long enough to meet his eyes.  "Do you like it?"  He asked me.

"It's amazing!"  I replied.  "But...where is it?  Like, if I walked out those doors, where would I be?"

"Oh, this isn't an actual room.  This one is just a memory.  However, when I gave mine up, I made it possible for you to have one."

I'm sure the surprise could be read all over my thoughts, and my face.  "I have one of these?"

"It's inside you.  Everyone has a sanctuary.  Although, most people don't know it yet.  It's where my spirit lives when people welcome me into their lives."

A thought entered my head, but in a moment I shoved it away.  It was the first time I had forgotten that doing that with Jesus was a waste of time.  He knew my thought immediately.

"Would you like to see your own?"  He asked.

I hadn't been anxious about anything during my time with Jesus.  But as soon as he asked that question, I don't know... suddenly a part of me felt as though maybe I had a reason to be.  "Do I have a choice?"

He nodded, which made me feel even more uneasy.  "You always have a choice."

I could sense his concern; his desire to see my heart put back together.  I knew immediately that this was why he'd brought me here today.  My voice, however, took a little longer to agree with me.  In a last ditch effort, I resorted to closing my eyes, facing forward, and clearing my throat extra loud.  He told me to leap, so I did.  And when I opened my eyes, I saw accumulated in front of me everything I had ever seen in myself.

My sanctuary looked much like the first, except not at all.

Instead of colorful light pouring through all around, the entire place look rather gray.  There was a layer of dust on the pews and the floor.  The Bible in the front, to my immense dismay, looked brand new and was closed.  The glorious windows that I had admired so much were now muddled and replaced with other images that mixed with the originals in a confusing display.

On the left wall, Patience had been replaced with Worry, Goodness with Obligation, and Kindness with Reputation.  The back wall held Depression and Anxiety instead of Joy and Peace.  On the right, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control had been replaced by Convenience, Conflict, and Self-Sufficiency.

And in the front, where the previous sanctuary had held Love, my sanctuary held Fear.

At first I didn't want to ask.  But I realized immediately that by not wanting to ask, he would already know my question, so I asked anyway.  "What...what happened here?"  Pure exasperation made my voice squeak through the words.  "Why is mine so different?"

A slow breath without a hint of drama came and went through his nose as his lips drew into a thoughtful line.  "Life happened here, my child.  You've experienced pain, defeat, temptation, rejection, and this is the result."

The unfair nature of the situation seemed to rip through me in an instant.  "But that can't be the reason.  I didn't choose for any of this to happen to me.  Others made me this way!"

"Beloved, you might not be able to control the pain that others give to you.  What you do with that pain, however, is entirely up to you.  And lately you've been allowing far too much pain to damage this once beautiful place."

A sudden weakness entered my being as his words lingered in the air.  He was right, of course.  All of these windows surrounding me were true, simply because I had been acting out of fear.  Fear of being wrong, of being abandoned, of getting hurt or hurting someone else.  Fear of caring to much, or too little.  It had all accumulated to me doing good things halfheartedly just so I could try to feel good about myself.  Just so I could... so I could attempt to please him.

I should have been acting out of love instead.

Before the fog of guilt could leave my brain, my legs had lead me forward to the Bible in the front of the room.  It was sitting on a pedestal, it's black leather cover blending in with the dismal room and hiding the stories beneath from view.  Sorrow as my motivator, I reached down to touch it.

Air, fresh and rushing, gently scented like pure sunshine, raced past my cheeks and sent a wave of goosebumps along my skin.  The fogginess vanished.  Suddenly I felt as though a pair of ill suiting lenses had been removed from my eyes.  All else in the room looked the same.  The Bible, however, had lost it's grim cover.  Lovely tan leather was there instead, with an intricately painted tree wrapping around the spine.  I could only glimpse it for a moment before the wind changed course and began blowing the pages over one after the other until finally landing in one spot.  One verse was already highlighted by swirling strokes of golden ink.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

The breeze returned as soon as my thoughts reached the conclusion of the verse, and the pages were sent into yet another flurry.  The book came to rest this time in 1 John, the 4th chapter.  Verses 7-10 glowed with the same golden flourish as the previous had.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

I sensed him next to me again.  Jesus, the Son of God, standing by my side.  He said my name, like a breath of warmth on the frigid fingers of a cold day.  Only then did I realize that there were tears pouring down my cheeks, and I faced him.  "Why did you bring me here?"

He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and wiped my tears away.  There was a look in his eyes I simply could not comprehend.  Was it... adoration?  But why?  I hadn't done anything worth adoring in my entire life.

"Beloved..."  He paused, demanding my complete attention in the most calming and reassuring way.  He had heard those thoughts loud and clear.  "I love you because I see a purpose that you do not yet see.  I adore you because I'm excited for you to see it too.  I want you to find that same love."  For several wonderfully terrifying seconds he just stood there in front of me, staring with compassion.  There were galaxies in his eyes.  Whole universes that had only been seen by one person.  One God.  My God.  The God standing right in front of me, giving me his full attention just because he loved me that much.  He loved everyone that much.

And that's why, in the next moment, I hugged him.  I don't know if you're supposed to do that sort of thing with the Creator of the universe, but I did it anyway.  To my delight, he hugged me back.  More tears broke through as I reveled in the safe embrace of my loving Father.  My friend.  The only person in my life who would never leave me behind.

When I pulled away, I was back in the park.  Jesus was nowhere to be seen.  It didn't matter, though, because I still felt him right next to me, and in me, and all around me.  He was everywhere!  In the trees, the grass, the rustling leaves on the path.

The best part... I may not have actually seen the end result of my Sanctuary, but to be honest, I didn't need to.  Starting with the Bible on the front pedestal and reaching all the way up into the rafters, I could tell that my Sanctuary was clean and colorful and ready to be full once again, maybe for the first time since I had first welcomed the Lord into my life.  This time, I decided, I wanted to keep it that way.  I still do.

No more fear.  It's time to live with purpose, intention, and most importantly...love.

And that's why, if Jesus ever asks you to go for a walk, don't hesitate.  Don't consult your planner, check with your friends, or second guess.  When Jesus calls you out, there's only one thing that you should be doing.

Say yes... and then go.

20 Songs For My Journey So Far (Or, The "It's Not Actually About Me" Playlist)

We all know that music speaks in ways that normal words most of the time just can't.  That definitely holds true in my life.  And even though I don't write or play music, I do relate to it.  These are 20 songs that have helped me feel understood; helped me feel that I'm not alone in my life.  Listen to them if you want.  And who knows, maybe you'll find they help you feel the same way.  So, in no particular order...

1. Second Guess Girl by Sara Groves

This song needs no explanation.  It's just so perfect at describing what it feels like when you're forced to make a hard decision, and when you're still figuring out who you are.  It's a transition position that I've been in quite often lately, so I really appreciate her transparent honesty here.

2. Breathe by Jonny Diaz

The first time I heard this, I was in a heap of chaos and insanity on my way to a meeting after a day of feeling like a crazy person.  My mind was on everything but God, and I had no intention of sitting to just "Breathe"...  Then Jonny Diaz came on the radio, and I cried.  Now it's my theme song.

3. Choose To Love by Francesca Battistelli

Oh, how Francesca Battistelli always manages to pin point exactly what I'm going through.  Choosing to love is one of my greatest daily struggles.  Opening up to love requires trust, and my trust has been broken enough times for this to be extremely difficult for me.  I've been choosing to love more and more often lately, and this song is a large part of the reason.

4. How I Ended Up Here by Jason Gray

Once again, wow... I have never heard a song with more honesty and accuracy to my life situation than this one right here.  As an introvert, it is so tempting to just hide away and never share life with anyone.  After listening to this 8 or 9 times the first time I heard it, though, I realized exactly how destructive pushing people away can be.

5. Revolutionaries by Bethany Dillon

Straying from what's considered "the norm" is the center of all the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far.  Jumping on the bandwagon and taking the easy road is always a temptation, but it's SO much more worth it to take the harder path!  Life has taught me this time and again already, ever since I decided to be a Revolutionary.

6. Whole by Jessa Anderson

The line that caught my attention here is "If death was beginning instead of end, than who I am now was determined then."  The fact that my life was determined and guaranteed because of the death of Christ is just crazy!  Because of his sacrifice, I don't ever have to worry about feeling "Whole".  Because, with Jesus, I already am.

7. Brave by Moriah Peters

I'm not exactly the bravest person.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite in most situations.  Because of this I decided to make my New Years resolution for 2015 a challenge to "Live Bravely" and, holy cow, a challenge it has been.  This song came out pretty close to the same time that promise was made, and it instantly became my battle cry for the year, encouraging me to take leaps that I've never taken before.

8. Can't Live Without You by Owl City

I love that Adam Young takes a style of music that is mostly popular in secular circles, and transforms it by creating Christian lyrics and stories to go along with it.  Because he goes through a lot of anxiety just like I do, I relate to his music a ton.  It always reminds me that I'm never alone.

9. Press On by Building 429 (Feat. Blanca Callahan)

The truth in this song speaks volumes.  Just the fact that I am a mess, and yet God calls me his own and created my every flaw with a meaning.  It's more than I could ever ask for, and it allows me to "Press On" in a way that I could never accomplish without Him.  Life goes on, but He's all I need.

10. Losing by Tenth Avenue North

Being different has been my way of life since I was very, very young.  Most Christians can relate to that fact.  Because of this, I definitely know what pain feels like.  Rejection and brokenness are a common theme in my story, but God has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Forgiveness is definitely a struggle, but it's a struggle worth having.

11. Awake My Love by I Am They

Even in the times when I'm hurting, and wonder what God is up to, He always finds a way to send me something to smile about.  God is the noble treasurer of my heart, the intimate lover of my soul, and he "Awakes My Love" in new and wonderful ways every single day.  I love Him with everything in me.

12. 3:42 A.M. (Writer's Block) by MercyMe

Being a writer, it's always challenging on those nights when the words just won't come like I want them to.  What I've discovered, though, is that those nights are usually a sign that I need to lay my novel and my characters at the feet of God, and allow him to make up what I lack.  The stories He writes are 100% better than the ones I come up with on my own.  If the idea is mine, it's a waste of time!  This song greatly helps to remind me of that.

13. The Waiting by Jamie Grace

Patience... Waiting... Oh, my greatest enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  But each time I choose to wait instead of going forward on my own, I learn something new, and it ends up being worth the wait.  If I rush into things, disaster strikes.  So why is it I continue to make the same hasty mistakes?

14. Beyond Me by tobyMac

I've had the opportunity to do so many amazing and unique things in my life, and it's incredible to even think about!  But whenever people ask how I do what I do, I can only tell them that I don't.  God is the source of every accomplishment.  All of the greatest things I've ever done were not my doing, and they were all definitely WAY "Beyond Me."

15. Want To Be Real by Chris August

Some days I get so unbelievably frustrated with the false nature of the world.  I remember back when I was going through some of my particularly difficult days, I would listen to this song over and over and pray that I didn't become fake; that I would grow into a genuine and authentic lover of Christ.  I wanted to simply be real, and that's still my prayer.

16. Ready Or Not by Britt Nicole (Feat. Lecrae)

Sometimes it is so much easier to simply take the background spot and leave the leadership position to someone else.  However, that's not God's plan for us.  As soon as we devote our lives to him, we make a promise to stand out for his name.  We may be ridiculed for living out loud in that way, but it suddenly becomes a part of our nature to shine.  We can't hide it! 

17. I Refuse by Josh Wilson

This song is wonderful in so many ways.  I relate to it so much.  There was a time in my life where I had no clue what I was supposed to do in this life, and I was tempted to just sit back and not do anything.  Then I discovered what my purpose was, and suddenly I couldn't stand still!  It's like a flame took me over, and that flame still burns to this day!

18. Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets

Even in the hardest times of my life, God was at work.  Winning or losing, love and hate, joy or pain, no matter what the circumstance God is always working.  He's been making me since before I was even born, and He'll be making me until the day I breathe my last.  That's just how good He is.

19. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

This song pulled me through every single one of those broken friendships and rejection situations.  When a best friend betrays your trust, it's hard to bounce back.  When multiple friends betray your trust at separate times, it seems nearly impossible.  Listening to Brandon's words here reminded me that forgiveness was more important than anything, and that God would bring positive change through the pain.  I am truly "Not Who I Was", and this song is my letter of grace to those friends.

20. My Story by Big Daddy Weave

This song is self explanatory, and completely truthful!  I hope you enjoyed this journey through my history, and the music that guided me through it.  God uses people and art to impact us in amazing ways, and it happens everyday.  May your day be blessed with music and the glorious love of Christ!

To listen to this playlist on Spotify, click here.