The Sanctuary

So, I met Jesus the other day.

Yeah, I know.  Cool, right?  I mean, I was just going about my daily routine, and suddenly there he was, in the flesh.  It was pretty weird, actually.  Usually I'm invisible to everybody, but with Jesus... he approached me right away.  He sought me out.  Then he asked me if I would take a walk with him.

That was REALLY unexpected.  I mean, it's JESUS.  For a second or two I wondered if someone was just playing a trick on me.  Maybe this was just another one of those cruel jokes where I always end up being the punchline.  That theory was squashed almost instantly though.  When I saw the clear look of gentle compassion in his eyes, I could tell this was the real deal.  I left with him right then.

At first it was a little bit awkward.  I stumbled through words quite a bit.  It wasn't because of nerves or anything.  I didn't feel nervous at all, actually.  It's just really hard to think of things to talk about when your walking companion already knows every thought that crosses your mind.  It was also a bit (okay, more than a bit) intimidating.  Just knowing that this man walking beside me could see everything inside of me...it was unsettling to say the least; hard to get used to.

I'm not perfect.  Surprising, I know.  In fact, some of the things I've done are far from the person I would like others to see in me.  I've fallen to the wayside more than my fair share of times.  Many of the sins I've committed aren't even physical.  Most of them are just thoughts that I've allowed to slip, or words that left before I could second-guess them.  And that's why being there, walking with this man...It should have terrified me.  So why didn't it?

Unlike everyone else, he could see every harmful, dirty, judgmental sin I had ever committed, inside and out.  I had never been with anyone who could see all of me before.  Never in my life had I felt so completely vulnerable, and yet, somehow, totally free.  He should have hated me.  He should have chosen someone else to walk with.  But he didn't.  There was no need to hide myself.  No need to spend exhaustion on wondering what he was thinking of me.

I knew what he was thinking.  As he saw all of me, he allowed me to see him as well.  What I saw was... Gosh, I can't even begin to explain.  It's like...he was saddened by this world.  But it wasn't the condemning kind of sad, or even the pitying kind of sad.  It was compassion.  He saw all of my pain, my struggles with temptation, my longing for him that was shadowed by the corruption of sin, and he didn't see it as my fault.  That still blows my mind.  Because out of all my guilt and shame, all of the agony I had put him through, his only reaction was...love.

He wanted to help me.  That's why he asked me to go for a walk.

Like I said, I must have been horribly awkward at first.  But he was patient.  He asked me how I was, even though he already knew.  But I talked about it anyway.  I was brutally honest, just because I knew he would see the same things whether I was or wasn't.  He listened intently, not offering any opinion on this thing or that, but simply hearing my heart.  That meant a lot to me.  Anyone else I talked to about these things would have jumped at the chance to fix me.  He didn't.  Then I asked him where we were going.

There was a lovely glint of playfulness in his eyes.  "You'll see."  He said.

"Why am I not surprised?"  I replied.

I heard the softest hint of laughter.  "Close your eyes."

I stopped walking and did as he asked.  I was definitely confused, but I figured I didn't need to say so.  He could probably read my curiosity loud and clear.

"Keep walking."

"With my eyes closed?"

No answer.  I knew he was still there.  I don't know how, since it was totally silent around me, but I just knew.  I just stood for a moment, waiting to see if he was actually planning on answering me.  Not a word came.  Well, I guess I had my orders.  Close my eyes and keep walking.  Right.

I took it one step at a time, walking with my arms out in front of me like a zombie.  I'm sure the other people going for walks in area were enjoying the spectacle.  A twinge of embarrassment pricked my stomach, and immediately afterwards I tripped on a stick in the path.  I stopped.

"Trust me."  He whispered.  "Don't think about them.  Just trust me."

I straightened, took a deep breath, and started again.  This time there were no obstacles.  I focused on Jesus's presence and it was almost like I could see him walking just beside me.

"Stop.  We've arrived."

"Can I open my eyes now?"  I asked.

"Please do."

I have no idea how we had gotten there, but all around us were the walls of a church.  It wasn't very large.  But the lovely detail in its simplicity made up for that.  I remember it perfectly in my mind.  Deep, beautiful honey-colored wood was the primary theme, shaded in varying hues by the intricate stained glass windows all around.  This stained glass wasn't choppy, however.  It was as though each perfectly smooth sheet of glass had just been naturally colored that way, with each window representing a different fruit of the spirit and a coinciding depiction of biblical example for that characteristic.  Everything, from the pews to the walls, were clean and fresh.  The only thing that looked at all worn was the Bible in the front.  The pages were well loved, and it sent a warm familiarity through me just to see it there.

"What is this place?"  I asked in awe, feeling compelled to take a few steps forward.

He smiled, his eyes giving off that same joyful glow.  "This is my sanctuary."

"Your sanctuary?"

"Well, it was when I lived on earth."

"Oh."  I nodded.  To be honest, I was still admiring the windows, and had only half heard him at the time.

He, of course, knew that.  I think that's why he walked up to where I was standing in the middle of the room.  I finally managed to look away long enough to meet his eyes.  "Do you like it?"  He asked me.

"It's amazing!"  I replied.  "But...where is it?  Like, if I walked out those doors, where would I be?"

"Oh, this isn't an actual room.  This one is just a memory.  However, when I gave mine up, I made it possible for you to have one."

I'm sure the surprise could be read all over my thoughts, and my face.  "I have one of these?"

"It's inside you.  Everyone has a sanctuary.  Although, most people don't know it yet.  It's where my spirit lives when people welcome me into their lives."

A thought entered my head, but in a moment I shoved it away.  It was the first time I had forgotten that doing that with Jesus was a waste of time.  He knew my thought immediately.

"Would you like to see your own?"  He asked.

I hadn't been anxious about anything during my time with Jesus.  But as soon as he asked that question, I don't know... suddenly a part of me felt as though maybe I had a reason to be.  "Do I have a choice?"

He nodded, which made me feel even more uneasy.  "You always have a choice."

I could sense his concern; his desire to see my heart put back together.  I knew immediately that this was why he'd brought me here today.  My voice, however, took a little longer to agree with me.  In a last ditch effort, I resorted to closing my eyes, facing forward, and clearing my throat extra loud.  He told me to leap, so I did.  And when I opened my eyes, I saw accumulated in front of me everything I had ever seen in myself.

My sanctuary looked much like the first, except not at all.

Instead of colorful light pouring through all around, the entire place look rather gray.  There was a layer of dust on the pews and the floor.  The Bible in the front, to my immense dismay, looked brand new and was closed.  The glorious windows that I had admired so much were now muddled and replaced with other images that mixed with the originals in a confusing display.

On the left wall, Patience had been replaced with Worry, Goodness with Obligation, and Kindness with Reputation.  The back wall held Depression and Anxiety instead of Joy and Peace.  On the right, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control had been replaced by Convenience, Conflict, and Self-Sufficiency.

And in the front, where the previous sanctuary had held Love, my sanctuary held Fear.

At first I didn't want to ask.  But I realized immediately that by not wanting to ask, he would already know my question, so I asked anyway.  "What...what happened here?"  Pure exasperation made my voice squeak through the words.  "Why is mine so different?"

A slow breath without a hint of drama came and went through his nose as his lips drew into a thoughtful line.  "Life happened here, my child.  You've experienced pain, defeat, temptation, rejection, and this is the result."

The unfair nature of the situation seemed to rip through me in an instant.  "But that can't be the reason.  I didn't choose for any of this to happen to me.  Others made me this way!"

"Beloved, you might not be able to control the pain that others give to you.  What you do with that pain, however, is entirely up to you.  And lately you've been allowing far too much pain to damage this once beautiful place."

A sudden weakness entered my being as his words lingered in the air.  He was right, of course.  All of these windows surrounding me were true, simply because I had been acting out of fear.  Fear of being wrong, of being abandoned, of getting hurt or hurting someone else.  Fear of caring to much, or too little.  It had all accumulated to me doing good things halfheartedly just so I could try to feel good about myself.  Just so I could... so I could attempt to please him.

I should have been acting out of love instead.

Before the fog of guilt could leave my brain, my legs had lead me forward to the Bible in the front of the room.  It was sitting on a pedestal, it's black leather cover blending in with the dismal room and hiding the stories beneath from view.  Sorrow as my motivator, I reached down to touch it.

Air, fresh and rushing, gently scented like pure sunshine, raced past my cheeks and sent a wave of goosebumps along my skin.  The fogginess vanished.  Suddenly I felt as though a pair of ill suiting lenses had been removed from my eyes.  All else in the room looked the same.  The Bible, however, had lost it's grim cover.  Lovely tan leather was there instead, with an intricately painted tree wrapping around the spine.  I could only glimpse it for a moment before the wind changed course and began blowing the pages over one after the other until finally landing in one spot.  One verse was already highlighted by swirling strokes of golden ink.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

The breeze returned as soon as my thoughts reached the conclusion of the verse, and the pages were sent into yet another flurry.  The book came to rest this time in 1 John, the 4th chapter.  Verses 7-10 glowed with the same golden flourish as the previous had.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

I sensed him next to me again.  Jesus, the Son of God, standing by my side.  He said my name, like a breath of warmth on the frigid fingers of a cold day.  Only then did I realize that there were tears pouring down my cheeks, and I faced him.  "Why did you bring me here?"

He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and wiped my tears away.  There was a look in his eyes I simply could not comprehend.  Was it... adoration?  But why?  I hadn't done anything worth adoring in my entire life.

"Beloved..."  He paused, demanding my complete attention in the most calming and reassuring way.  He had heard those thoughts loud and clear.  "I love you because I see a purpose that you do not yet see.  I adore you because I'm excited for you to see it too.  I want you to find that same love."  For several wonderfully terrifying seconds he just stood there in front of me, staring with compassion.  There were galaxies in his eyes.  Whole universes that had only been seen by one person.  One God.  My God.  The God standing right in front of me, giving me his full attention just because he loved me that much.  He loved everyone that much.

And that's why, in the next moment, I hugged him.  I don't know if you're supposed to do that sort of thing with the Creator of the universe, but I did it anyway.  To my delight, he hugged me back.  More tears broke through as I reveled in the safe embrace of my loving Father.  My friend.  The only person in my life who would never leave me behind.

When I pulled away, I was back in the park.  Jesus was nowhere to be seen.  It didn't matter, though, because I still felt him right next to me, and in me, and all around me.  He was everywhere!  In the trees, the grass, the rustling leaves on the path.

The best part... I may not have actually seen the end result of my Sanctuary, but to be honest, I didn't need to.  Starting with the Bible on the front pedestal and reaching all the way up into the rafters, I could tell that my Sanctuary was clean and colorful and ready to be full once again, maybe for the first time since I had first welcomed the Lord into my life.  This time, I decided, I wanted to keep it that way.  I still do.

No more fear.  It's time to live with purpose, intention, and most importantly...love.

And that's why, if Jesus ever asks you to go for a walk, don't hesitate.  Don't consult your planner, check with your friends, or second guess.  When Jesus calls you out, there's only one thing that you should be doing.

Say yes... and then go.