It Gets Better

Hello friends.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to start this post. This year has been a whirlwind. But the overwhelming truth that I keep coming back to is this...

Our good, wonderful, glorious God is so magnificently, unconditionally FAITHFUL.

If you've been reading my previous posts, you know that I've been in the depths of ministry burnout for about two years now, which came to a climax in the Fall/Winter of 2017. Feel free to go back and read those heart cries if you need to catch up on that whole situation. I didn't want to accept it then, but I can say with honesty now that I had been experiencing depression along with the burnout at that time as well. It was a series of dark days for me. I seriously thought I would never feel that beautiful passion burning inside me ever again. For theatre, for writing, for ministry. But, praise the Lord, that darkness is not where I remained.

Now, almost a year later, I am rejoicing!

God walked every step of this year right along side me, and proved to me time and again how vast his goodness and mercy really are. I'm more myself than I've ever been, and I couldn't have gotten here without the wake up call of hitting rock bottom, and having no choice but to look up. God truly turned my entire world upside down, and I've never been so thankful to have my plans pried from my fingers.

Last year my resolution was to "Lose Myself in God's Love." He brought that to fruition in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I didn't think it was beautiful at the time, though. I'd been stripped of every mask I used to wear, the comfort I used to cling to, hiding behind identities that weren't my own. Writer, Director, Ministry Leader, the list went on. And God tore those masks away from me one at a time, until all that was left at the end of last year was... me.

That isn't what I wanted. "Me" isn't what I wanted. Without those masks I became the girl who hadn't dealt with the pain that friends and past relationships had left behind, shoving it away to keep the feelings of worthlessness at bay. I became the girl who developed social anxiety from being bullied. The girl who smiled all day and said she was good just to avoid talking about how she had cried herself to sleep the night before, the weight of her stress being far too much for her to bear. Without those masks all I had was my pain.

And that pain is what God was trying to get to all along.

Over New Years, feeling at the very end of me and not capable of really "doing" anything, my resolution for 2018 was to simply "Abide In Him."

Honestly, abiding was all I could do. I was so exhausted, and I had no ways to please anyone that wouldn't totally drain my energy in an hour or less. All I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let him love me.

And that's exactly what he wanted all along.

In church they always tell you that "God's love isn't something we can ever earn." And we all smile and nod and say we agree. But do we really believe that statement? I thought I did. And then I learned, after 7 years of ministry, that I had believed one thing while simultaneously living in the opposite.

I believed that I could earn God's love. I could deserve it. "All those other people in my past hadn't thought me worthy of long-term love, but surely I could make God see that I was deserving of the sacrifice he had made for me!"

Flummadiddle!

I couldn't teach God how to love me anymore than I could teach a potato how to be a potato. A potato already IS a potato! And God already loves me as much as he ever could, with every ounce of unconditional love that he has!

And so, as I've spent this year abiding in his gracious love for me, I've found so much healing in taking the time to just simply be in awe. Do you ever do that? Just sit and allow yourself to be amazed by God?

Yesterday I went for a walk, and the air was a settling kind of warm, and the breeze was just strong enough to blow my hair back and kiss my skin, and the sky had just enough stars and clouds to look like pure artistry. I took off my shoes and stood in still, quiet water. My lungs filled with the blessed scent of dewy greenery. I could taste a coming rainstorm brewing in the breeze. I felt rocks under my toes.

That's something you truly miss when you go through burnout... Feeling. In the midst of that season, everything is numb. Food you used to enjoy has no taste. Joy and anger are just words. Everything is indifference and dull sorrow, and not knowing why.

Last night was one of the many times over the past several months where I quieted my heart and just allowed myself to feel. And I did. And what I found was pure, unhindered joy welling in my soul. In that moment, it was impossible for me not to marvel at God's majesty.

Remember that trail I was telling you about in a previous post? The one that God wanted me to pave? I think I found it. That trail he wants me to pave and explore is my relationship with him. What I'll find along the way, I have no idea.

But that's the exciting part, isn't it? We get to ADVENTURE, and GROW, and DISCOVER until the day we pass away. And then we'll stand in amazement as we look at the full tapestry that God used our lives to create. And it will be the most beautiful thing!

If you're someone experiencing depression, burnout, or some other struggle right now, don't stop fighting. God can use it, and he WILL use it. Not only that, but he'll bring a whole new season of light to you on the other side. You'll feel again. You'll hope again. You'll breathe again. Allow yourself the time to ache, and rest, and mourn over the broken pieces of the life you've lost. But then open your arms, sit in God's presence, and let him love on you!

Don't ever stop fighting for your purpose, your joy, your soul.

Even after you heal, you're still going to have days now and then when that exhaustion comes back. Listen to it! Rest when it comes, and take the time to really hear what your heart is telling you. But I promise it will improve with time, and those burnout days will get less and less frequent.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, and have been so good about checking in to make sure I'm okay. God has used you to heal my heart in more ways than you will ever know.

Now... I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow again. I'm ready to feel again. I'm ready to continue the adventure that God called me to so many years ago, applying all the new things I've learned along the way.

I'm ready.

Onward and Upward!

Jesus, Flip My Tables

Over the past week since posting my previously deep and hopeless thoughts, there's been a whirlwind of colored-lens-removal and fresh perspective.  I'm not even sure how to describe it, which is one of the reasons it took over a week to update you again on the transformation.  Today, I've decided to abandon all efforts of perfect explaining, and just go for it.  So, here I am.

Am I still tired and exhausted?  Yes.

Are my daily struggles with self doubt still present?  Yep.

Are fears and anxious visions of failure still looming in the back of my mind?  Oh yeah.

Do I care?

Not one bit.

That's the difference, I guess.  Some of the very important lessons I've learned over the past few months have showed me that I need not be afraid of the feelings of weakness and incapability that I face each day.  Those feelings keep me relying on my Savior.  They allow me to do what I love, and be used by a Creator who sees more in me than I see in myself.  My pride - my desperation to do everything on my own - was the very reason I felt so useless.

I am capable of nothing without God.

So, what did I learn that flipped that for me?

First of all...

I learned it takes grace to forgive others, but it takes bravery to forgive yourself.

I can't even tell you the amount of times I struggle to show myself mercy.  I beg God's forgiveness, which he's always willing to give.  And then I think nonstop about my mistakes for ages after they occur.  I give myself no room for error.  I falter constantly, and then I internalize and destroy myself for it. 

I learned that I need to offer myself the same grace that I offer others.

"But if I'm not harsh on myself I'll make the same mistakes over again!"  My heart argues.

God says differently.

If the only thoughts I dwell on are my mistakes, the only thing I'll be capable of is more mistakes.

On the other hand, if the only thing I dwell on is grace, I'll be constantly capable of more grace.

It works kind of like dreams do.  If I spend all evening telling myself not to dream about snakes, chances are pretty good that when I close my eyes I'm going to dream about snakes (ugh...please, no.  I DO NOT want to dream about snakes. *shivers*).  I believe the same principle stands here. 

I learned that I am responsible for my actions, but I am not responsible for other's reactions.

This took a lot longer to figure out, because the idea is a bit complicated.  I'll try and simplify it the best I know how.

What it comes down to is this...

If a teen messages me or calls me on the phone and tells me they're having a horrible day, obviously I'm going to do the best I possibly can to help them feel better.  However, their final emotional state after our conversation isn't completely reliant on me.  It's all up to how God decides to shift their emotions based on his plan.  How they react to my words of encouragement is completely up to them.  God can use my words in whatever way he sees fit.

Sometimes there are people who react badly to the ideas and messages of the theatre productions and stories I write.  They're God breathed and deeply prayed over, so I know I'm being responsible for my actions.  However, I have no control over their reactions.  It doesn't mean what I wrote suddenly becomes "anti-God."  It just means they reacted badly to the message God gave me to tell, and that's ok.

I do the best I can.  I'm constantly striving to learn and grow.  I resolve problems in the best way I know how.  That's my responsibility.  But if someone decides they don't like what I do and they want to chew me out for it, that's not on me.  As long as I'm acting in God's will, I'm doing what I should be.  The negative comments others decide to give no longer have to tear me apart. 

It's my job to take carefully prayed-over steps to follow God's plan.  It's NOT my job to change myself and internalize a self-destructive attitude every single time someone decides they want to blame me for their own problems.

Pleasing God and pleasing people are often totally different things, and you can't serve both at the same time.

I learned that God is perfect, so I don't have to be.

I recently had my eyes opened wide when someone pointed out to me that, if I truly want to believe in the power of God, I should believe that he's big enough to carry out his plan no matter how many times I mess up along the way.  I heard this during a speaking event with a missionary.  Earlier in the evening they had told some comical stories about accidentally misusing different words while learning the language of the culture they had moved into. 

Now, this point shouldn't be taken the wrong way.  There's a difference between making an honest mistake while in God's will, and just doing whatever you want because you think God will fix it for you.  You can't set out to be a pastor on Sundays, be worldly the rest of the week, and then expect God to bless your ministry.  That's not how the relationship works.

I'm talking about simple learning experiences.  Times when there are misunderstandings, when something isn't fully communicated, when you honestly thought something was one way but it turned out being another way entirely.  We're not perfect (SURPRISE!), so when we expect ourselves to be we're actually trying to be more than even God expects of us.  He's loving.  He's forgiving.  He's gracious and merciful.  He can use us, no matter what.  He didn't die on the cross just so we could be stopped in our tracks by simple mistakes, or even big mistakes for that matter. 

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can separate us from God's love!

THAT needs to be our mentality.

Now to the point.  What on earth does the title of this post mean?

I recently discussed this concept with my TAG actors during an unprepared devotional session.  The other day I asked them if they wanted me to do devotions from our usual book, or to just wing it.  They all asked me to wing it, so I figured it was the perfect time to tell them about this idea that has been running through my mind recently.

I started out by reading Mark 11:15-18

15 They came to Jerusalem, and he went into the temple

complex and began to throw out those buying and selling

in the temple.  He overturned the money changers'

tables and the chairs of those selling doves,

16 and would not permit anyone to carry goods through

the temple complex.

17 Then he began to teach them: "Is it not written,

My house will be called a house of prayer for all

nations?  But you have made it into a den thieves!"

18 Then the chief priests and the scribes heard it and started

looking for a way to destroy Him.  For they were afraid of

Him, because the whole crowd was astonished by His teaching.

(From the HCSB)

After reading this, I began sharing my thoughts.  I started by asking for another term the Bible uses for the human body.  One of the middle school boys answered immediately. 

"The temple."  He stated.

Yes!  They were on the right track!

I was super excited, because I was going on this trip right along with them.  God was revealing this chain of new thoughts to me moment by moment, even as I was revealing it to them. 

I continued to talk as God spoke to my heart, and I'll try my best to type out here what he was showing me that evening, as I was surrounded by my awesome teens.

***

In this passage of scripture, Jesus showed a surprising amount of intensity in comparison to the rest of his encounters with the public throughout scripture.  But it was for good reason.  The people were using the temple as a market place, which was not the purpose it was designed for.  A dramatic misuse that required an equally dramatic wake-up call.

How often do we use our "temples" for things they weren't designed for?  We talk about people negatively behind their backs, thinking, "it's ok because they'll never know."  We give ourselves over to fear and doubt, even though the Bible tells us constantly that we need not be afraid.  We act like we're too far gone to be used by God, even though we were designed with a specific plan in mind. 

Right now we're probably all thinking similar things.  I'm guessing we're all probably judging those who were selling their wares in the temple, scoffing at them and wondering why they ever thought that was a good idea.  But don't we do the same exact thing every day?  Aren't our temples just as corrupted? 

Every single day our souls are surrounded by table after table of so-called "goods" that the world tries to convince us are needed to survive. 

It's because of this that a certain prayer has taken over my world recently.  It's a simple prayer.  It's short, and to the point.  But it's been changing everything for me since I started using it.

"Jesus, flip my tables."

(Cue laughter from the actors at my odd statement)

I know, I know.  It sounds really funny.  But it's true, isn't it?!  We're constantly distracted by things that have nothing to do with the purpose God has for us!

(Nods all around)

Lately I've been praying this statement over and over, especially when I'm feeling stolen away by the market place I've allowed to grow in my temple.

(At this point in the discussion, after others had added to the topic with their own thoughts, I asked everyone to share a table in their life that needed to be flipped.  As usual, they took it more seriously than I had expected.) 

FEAR. 

BUSYNESS.

HOPELESSNESS.

DOUBT.

ANGER.

WORRY.

ANXIETY.

SOCIAL MEDIA.

REPUTATION.

PRIDE.

DEPRESSION.

LONELINESS.

ENVY.

And so many more. 

These are the tables in our marketplace.  The distractions from our design.  The wares we buy and sell to convince the world we're ok.  These are the emotions that keep us from the purpose our temples were designed for.

I told the TAGers that one of my teachers in high school used to always do a "table flip" motion with his hands whenever he was jokingly frustrated.  He would place his hands out in front of him, and then "flip" them upward as if he were turning a table upside down.  The TAGers and I laughed about this at first, and then we talked through the idea of making that motion a physical reminder to ourselves whenever we felt our "marketplace" taking over.

Then we prayed. 

We prayed for freedom from our distractions.  We prayed for God to move.  We prayed for flipped tables. 

I still do.

Every single day new tables try to create a marketplace in my temple, and every single day I'm learning to turn them away before they can take over.  It's extremely difficult.  It's a constant battle.  But it's a battle worth fighting.

My temple needs to be cleared of all that distracts from the purpose it was designed for.  The purpose of worship.  Of chasing after my God with holy abandon.  Of trusting in my Savior, and resting in his gentle presence.  The purpose of simply being who he created me to be.

"Jesus, flip my tables."

The simplest prayer, with such important meaning.

"Jesus, flip my tables."

What are some tables in your marketplace?  What has God done in your life to "flip" them?  What was your temple designed for, and what are some ways you can prevent a growing market?

"Losing Myself" On A Sunday Afternoon

This post was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to edit it until now.  God has been opening my eyes to some of his plans for me recently, and it has absolutely taken my breath away.  After months and years of questions, I'm beginning to see just how he was working all along, and how I should have just patiently trusted...  Hopefully my lessons will save you the trouble.

***

I'm in awe of you.

Even when I'm busy following my own plan, searching for what I think should be happening in my life, you're still at work.  You show me your loving kindness and mercy by continuing your good plan for me even when I'm attempting to walk on my own.  What a laughable thought.

Why do I do this?  I move ahead of you before the time is right.  I struggle, I moan and complain, I ask you why, and I'm not willing to wait.

Impatience... Not just a bad choice, it's a sin.  I've been too eager, not willing to wait on your plan.

Even still, you finally reveal your plan, and it's so easy.  You were working the whole time, and I didn't even notice.  A plan that only you could have orchestrated, at work when I was too distracted trying to bring things about in my own way.  And yet, even when I was ignoring you, you brought about the answer.

Lord, I'm so ashamed of how little faith I have in you... I long to trust you so desperately, and yet I make plans outside of you.

Transform me, Father.  Change me from the inside out and teach me to be patient.  You are the only one I want dictating my future.  No one else.  Not my own thoughts, not my friends or family, not the world and what society considers "normal."

Only you.

Refine me, Abba, in the fires of your holy forge.  Mold me into a weapon of your choosing, created with purpose and ready for whatever battlefield awaits me.  Design me with your eternal kingdom in mind, so that I might have the chance to serve some small role in your kingdom.  My life in your capable hands; the only one who can take a pointless piece of metal and turn it into a valued form with a specified purpose.  Whether it be a sword, charging forward into the unknown.  An arrow, pointing the way.  A dagger, for up close, in-the-thick-of-it warfare.  A chest plate, shielding hearts from darkness.  A helmet, protecting minds from the devil's schemes.

Whatever is needed most, you choose.  I will wait with great anticipation to discover what you create.  I will be patient, content with the fact that, no matter my specific title, I am already the dear beloved of God.

Today my shirt says "I am yours and you are faithful."  I've been harboring so much bitterness, Jesus.  Anger toward those who have left me behind.  I've been prideful, and filled with hate.  I've convinced myself that my feelings are justified.

No...

Everyone who's not in my life anymore was removed for a reason.  My judgements toward them are only a demonstration of my imperfect heart, not theirs.  You not only saw every moment, you walked it with me.  You orchestrated each friendship's beginning and end, working each one for my good.  My bitterness toward those people and situations after all this time is keeping me from completely experiencing the fullness of your love.  Each day of confusion and tears was written in your book, along with exactly how you would work each minute into the goodness of your plan for me.  You've always known who you want me to become, even before I was a thought in anyone's mind.  Every moment, whether joy or pain, was designed with a positive purpose; to get me there.  Each step has deepened my relationship with you in a way that nothing else could have.  You pursue me with tireless passion and determination.  You don't just tolerate my existence, but genuinely adore me with perfect, unconditional love that no one else can offer.  A love that my sinful heart can never truly comprehend or repay.

A gift greater than anyone could possibly surpass.

The real trouble is I've spent so much of my life trying to find myself.  What does that even mean, "finding myself?"  I've already been found.  The creator of the stars knows me better than even I do, and yet I'm worried about finding myself?

All this time I've wasted, and I've only just realized that my time would have been better spent losing myself.  Losing myself in you.

I keep wandering aimlessly, feeling sorry for myself as though I'm such a lost cause.  If only I would open my soul and start listening to you before reaching sorry desperation, I would hear a very different message than the one I usually give myself.  I shouldn't be finding myself...  Because only by losing myself do I find more of you.

My only function, the one thing I was created for, is to live life solely to bring you glory.  I'm meant to breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry, speak, and love in such a way that anyone could look at me and see you instead.

No matter what the world says.  No matter how many times I lose direction and focus, and attempt to find my way back on my own.  No matter how hard I am on myself, and how many times I question the way you created me.  To you I am always enough.

All my flaws, all my gifts, everything that makes me who I am, just as I am... It's enough for you.

I can just be.

This New Year I had some trouble.  I couldn't figure out a good resolution.  Not because I couldn't think of anything to improve.  Not at all.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I have way too much to improve.  So, how do you pick just one thing to work on about yourself?  The last two years I've chosen more general life goals.  It started in 2015 with the resolution to "live bravely."  In 2016 it was to "be joyful" in every circumstance, which was surprisingly more difficult than the live bravely challenge. 

And now I think I just found my newest resolution.

In 2017 I'm going to strive to "lose myself" in God's love.  I've spent too much time looking for love in other places.  Created too many failures attempting to find myself without my Savior.

It's a lot like driving. 

You know when you pull up to a stop light, and you're anticipating the moment when that light turns green?  What do you look at in the moments before you get the go signal?  Are you the person who looks at the red light and waits patiently for it to turn green?  Or do you look at the light that's currently green to see when it turns red?  I caught myself doing the second thing one day, and God called me on it in a big way.  In fact, I haven't been able to get that lesson out of my head ever since. 

"What are you doing looking at someone else's greenlight, when you should be patiently watching me to give you a greenlight of your own?"

Ouch.

My loving Father, I don't want to do that anymore.  It's time to get lost in the beauty of all you are.  I want my breath to be stolen away by the glory of your presence.  I don't want to push you away anymore.  You've chased after me my entire life.  Even after I gave my life to you, you still didn't stop pursuing me.  You are pure, untainted love, and I fall more in love with you everyday. 

Truthfully, I'm a mess.  I'm envious, judgmental, insecure, broken, selfish, controlling, and constantly aware of my every fault.  I'm a disaster.  I'm trying.  I'm constantly failing.  But somehow, that's not what you see.  I will never live up to all the expectations I have for myself.  But somehow that doesn't matter.

Because, despite all of that, you love me anyway.  And I will never thank you enough.

A Thank You Note... To The Girl Who Bullied Me

This one's for you...

To the girl that used her false confidence to make me feel small.

You, the one who started me on the path to having social anxiety, and always made sure I knew just how insignificant I was.

Who purposely made my friends feel sorry for you, so that when you teased me they would do nothing but watch in silence.  And as they walked away with you, leaving me alone with my growing insecurities, you would look back at me and smirk without them ever noticing.

You, who glared at me across the room at church, and played the victim when I tried to defend myself.

You, who put me down for being too pure, innocent, and naive, saying it was ridiculous that I had no desire to be sexy.  Who complained about all your boyfriend issues, and then went right on to making me feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one (which I found comical, by the way).

The girl who would point out my "idiocies" in public, in front of my friends and family.

The girl who was the reason I would listen to "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North in my room and sing at the top of my lungs, hoping and praying that God would give me enough grace to face you the next time.

The girl I was afraid of for far too long.

The girl who defined way too much of my high school experience.

To the girl who terrified me, gave me panic attacks, and made me wonder if trusting people was even worth it.

And if I saw you today, all I would have to say to you is...



Thank you.


I never got the chance to tell you.  Maybe someone will see this and show it to you.  I hope they do.  I wanted to send it to you myself, but you blocked me on facebook.  Maybe you felt guilty, or maybe you were actually convinced that I hated you.  Either way, I have a lot that I haven't said to you, and so here I am.

I'm going to be honest... it's taken me ages to get here.  Some of what I went through with you is the reason I have anxiety and trust issues.  But I get better everyday, and that's why I want to thank you.

I will never be thankful for the memories that I have of you, don't misunderstand me there.  The hateful glances, poisonous words, and sarcasm that felt like gunshot wounds took a long time for me to forget, and I'm not about to go back.

What I'm thankful for is who I became because of you.

The years when I felt lower than low in your presence were the years that taught me the most about what I do now: Youth Ministry.  Thanks to you, when a teen comes to me feeling insignificant, I can relate to them.  I can look them in the eye and tell them that God will use their struggles for good, because that's what He did for me.

In fact, if I had never been bullied, I doubt I would have discovered I have a passion for youth ministry at all.  It's because of you that I stumbled upon that immense gift in my life, and the reason I have now been able to help so many young people overcome their own bullies by the grace of God.

You made me feel completely alone.  But it was in that loneliness that I clung to God the most dependently.  My relationship with my Savior is deeper because of that time.  And it was in the lonely hours that He revealed his plans for my life, bit by beautiful bit.

It was also during these hours of solitude that I dove into my writing, and discovered that I could create worlds outside of my own.  Some of the best scenes I have ever written came from nights filled with tearful desperation for a distraction.  My characters grew out of that hurt.  These characters were my comfort, and are still a beloved part of my life to this day.

Thanks to you, I have learned how to not only tolerate people who are cruel to me, but also understand their situation in an effort to show them love.  Just like I had to do in order to forgive you.  It took several years, but I finally figured out the secret behind your hatred toward me, and in the end it had nothing to do with me.

People who feel insecure act cruelly in order to make others feel insecure, and so on.  I don't know why, or what happened in your life to make you feel so small that you had to resort to injuring others, but I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for whatever pain made you want to stop feeling.  I'm sorry that you felt the only way you could make and keep friends was by manipulation.  I'm sorrier still that you hated me simply because I didn't fall for your game.  There were times you even made me second guess myself, and I had to consult with adults in order to make sure I wasn't really the one at fault.

Because of that, you made me stronger.

I really do owe you a lot.  You may never know that I've forgiven you, and that breaks my heart.  God taught me so many lessons through you, all of which have greatly impacted who I am today.  I only wish I could hug you and say so in person, maybe even just to see the look of confusion on your face.

You challenged me.  You injured my self-esteem.  But your treatment of me never defined me, and I'm more confident now because of it.

I may never see you again, but if  I do, and if God gives me the courage to approach you one more time, I might just tell you so in person.

But for now, since the internet is all I have, I will do so right here.

In the past I never would have believed I could say this, but....

Thank you.

The Real Rebels

Rebel - noun

A person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or ruler.

Rebellion - noun

The act or process of resisting authority, control, or convention.

Out of all the words in the English language, this one has really been bothering me lately.  I've heard it spoken through different circles...

"It's just the teenage rebellion talking."

"They're in a rebel phase."

"I know they're only doing it for the sake of rebellion."

And it's NEVER in a positive context.  To the people of this world, the word "rebel" almost always belongs next to words like criminal, delinquent, trouble-maker, and more.  We might think of druggies, partiers, thieves...anyone who chooses to live life on the wild and crazy (and sometimes less than legal) side.  They rise up in bold opposition against the status quo.  Whether that's simply through unique hair colors, multitudes of piercings in strange places, tattoos of every shape and kind, or through the more extreme channels, they will find a way to get the word out that they are their own, and they will not be ignored.  Did I hit enough stereotypes?  I tried to nail as many as I could, so how'd I do?  I hope I did well, because I'm about to flip those stereotypes on their heads.

How many times, when you hear the word "rebel," have you thought of the word "Christian?"

Just think about it though.  Of all the above things I mentioned, how many of them have become normalized in our society?  Drugs are being legalized in certain areas of the world.  Alcohol is becoming an adulthood right of passage in families, and underage drinking is just something you do, even supported by some parents.  Stealing happens every single day.  Doing the "wild" thing just means your enjoying your "freedom."  Piercings, tattoos, and crazy hair colors used to be the rebel trademark, but now they're not even that weird.  It's just a style choice.  We've even come to the point where pre-marital physicality is a "necessary step" in finding out if a relationship works (which is a total and utter lie, by the way).

All of these things that people, young or not, are doing just to prove that they don't fit the mold.  That they're different, and aren't held down by the rules and expectations of how things should be.  To all of these people, I have a very important question.

If it's normal, and everyone is doing it, than how is it rebellious?

I'm not, by any means, saying that I support these situations.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  But honestly, if everyone is taking part in a sinful act, it shouldn't be something you do to boost your "rebel pride".

News flash: By living in the dark and opposing the rules, we are actually doing exactly what society expects of us.  We're not rebels, we're just 2nd rate followers caving to peer pressure.

Breaking the rules is not a new idea.  In fact, people have been breaking the rules for a very long time.  This shouldn't be surprising to any of us.  So then why do we act as though breaking the rules is such a new, genius idea that we just came up with?  

And then we get hit with consequences and we get mad.  Why?  History repeats itself, why weren't we expecting this?

Back on topic though...

If you consider all that I've just said, who are the real rebels?  Most of the rebels that society has labeled are clearly fakes, so who does the title truly belong to?

The real rebels think outside of the box that our culture has laid out for them.  They can't be tamed.  They are unstoppable.  Their authority doesn't come from the government, or the leaders of the world.  They're mold breakers, big dreamers, and the keepers of the only true freedom that exists.  They don't care what the world thinks, nor do they listen to what is said about them.  They walk the narrow path, where very few have gone before them.  Their sort of rebellion often leads to standing alone, but even just one of these rebels on their own is more dangerous than a million of the other, and they have been considered dangerous since the beginning of time.  They're the most unique people you will ever meet, and they often go to great lengths to fight for their cause.  Some have been tortured and killed for their crimes.  Yet they have more joy than most people could ever comprehend.  In fact, these criminals are often the nicest people you'll meet.  They come armed and ready to defend, but not with a gun or a blade.  The armor of these rebels looks very different.

'For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.'  Ephesians 6:12

'But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;'  Matthew 5:44

'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.'  Colossians 3:23

Kindness is unique.  Working with heart is rare.  Genuine compassion is dying out.  Choosing life and faith is different.  Responding to hate with love is radical.  Living with joy is becoming unheard of.  And following Jesus with complete abandon?

That's what identifies the Real Rebels...

And that's why I'm striving to be one of them.

Our rebellion is not against man, but against the spiritual forces that tempt and convince man to make dark decisions.  And, even more so, the spiritual forces that spread unending lies, convincing man that dark decisions are actually leading them to the light.  Even though these forces are everywhere, they walk unknown to all but a few.  They are dangerous, and yet are easily accepted on a widespread, global level because of the false freedom they present.

Only those who have rebelled, who have turned from the societal norm of darkness and personally tasted the light, know that these forces exist.  Only these rebels have experienced true freedom, and all the life it brings to each day.  These rebels bow down, not to the world and it's many masters, but to the only true royalty that exists.

One man.  Fully human, fully God.  The original rebel of our kind.  He was hated by authorities.  Despised by religious leaders.  Unlike other "criminals", he was peaceful.  Yet the government leaders arrested him, beat him, and put him to death.  Jesus, killed for his cause.  But even after his heart stopped beating, he continued to resist what was considered normal...

Because, after three days, our leader even rebelled against death.

After this, his followers could not be stopped.  Threatened, they stood even taller.  Tortured, their faith grew bolder.  In prison they still could not be silenced.  And over 2,000 years later, this rebellion still grows.

Most consider freedom the right to indulge, to gain, to go forth without consequence.

We consider freedom the right to abstain, to serve, to remain in the beauty of an ever-growing soul of conviction and kindness.

Most of us do not look like rebels.  We are the quiet observers.  The gentle listeners.  The sacrificial servants.  But inside we are lions.  We are hurricanes, and wildfires that cannot be tamed.  All of us have been broken before, and it's the glory of pure, untainted grace that pushes us forward.  Love is our battle cry, and faith is the ground on which we stand.

We know what it feels like to run, and we will not run any longer, for our God has granted us the strength to stand.  We each have a calling; something that breaks our hearts.  This call guides our steps.  Often we don't even know where we're being lead, but we walk just the same because we know that the only true freedom comes when we deny the world and follow the sound of our leaders voice.  Even when he is silent, we follow still.

We follow because we've seen miracles.  Mountains have moved before our eyes.  Oceans have parted just to give us a path.  Eyes have been opened, and so have hearts.  Battles in which we were outnumbered, and the odds were stacked against us, suddenly come to an end with our enemies fleeing the field.  And all of it can only be explained by one word.  One name.

Jesus.

This isn't to say that we don't still have fears.  Actually, we still have many fears.  But with all of that to live for, and all of the glory we've witnessed, why would we serve any other master?  Especially when our own master is familiar with every part of us, including the very darkest depths of our hearts, and still loves us enough to joyfully claim us as sons and daughters.  Yes, we have fears, but why should we let that keep us from following the only master who gives us the strength and opportunity to conquer them? 

We are the Real Rebels.  The Revolutionaries that aspire to be more than what this fallen world has offered us.  And though we might seem weak, we are stronger than our own ability because our God allows it to be so.  Our ability is not determined by our limitations, but by the very hands that placed each individual star in the sky.  We are considered dangerous because we have seen the truth.  Though we walk in peace, and go forth with only the intention of sharing the love, compassion, and grace that has provided our salvation, we are still considered a poison.  We are despised because we cannot be stopped.  The only one who determines our steps is our God.  We can't be controlled.

And we will not be silenced.

The Sanctuary

So, I met Jesus the other day.

Yeah, I know.  Cool, right?  I mean, I was just going about my daily routine, and suddenly there he was, in the flesh.  It was pretty weird, actually.  Usually I'm invisible to everybody, but with Jesus... he approached me right away.  He sought me out.  Then he asked me if I would take a walk with him.

That was REALLY unexpected.  I mean, it's JESUS.  For a second or two I wondered if someone was just playing a trick on me.  Maybe this was just another one of those cruel jokes where I always end up being the punchline.  That theory was squashed almost instantly though.  When I saw the clear look of gentle compassion in his eyes, I could tell this was the real deal.  I left with him right then.

At first it was a little bit awkward.  I stumbled through words quite a bit.  It wasn't because of nerves or anything.  I didn't feel nervous at all, actually.  It's just really hard to think of things to talk about when your walking companion already knows every thought that crosses your mind.  It was also a bit (okay, more than a bit) intimidating.  Just knowing that this man walking beside me could see everything inside of me...it was unsettling to say the least; hard to get used to.

I'm not perfect.  Surprising, I know.  In fact, some of the things I've done are far from the person I would like others to see in me.  I've fallen to the wayside more than my fair share of times.  Many of the sins I've committed aren't even physical.  Most of them are just thoughts that I've allowed to slip, or words that left before I could second-guess them.  And that's why being there, walking with this man...It should have terrified me.  So why didn't it?

Unlike everyone else, he could see every harmful, dirty, judgmental sin I had ever committed, inside and out.  I had never been with anyone who could see all of me before.  Never in my life had I felt so completely vulnerable, and yet, somehow, totally free.  He should have hated me.  He should have chosen someone else to walk with.  But he didn't.  There was no need to hide myself.  No need to spend exhaustion on wondering what he was thinking of me.

I knew what he was thinking.  As he saw all of me, he allowed me to see him as well.  What I saw was... Gosh, I can't even begin to explain.  It's like...he was saddened by this world.  But it wasn't the condemning kind of sad, or even the pitying kind of sad.  It was compassion.  He saw all of my pain, my struggles with temptation, my longing for him that was shadowed by the corruption of sin, and he didn't see it as my fault.  That still blows my mind.  Because out of all my guilt and shame, all of the agony I had put him through, his only reaction was...love.

He wanted to help me.  That's why he asked me to go for a walk.

Like I said, I must have been horribly awkward at first.  But he was patient.  He asked me how I was, even though he already knew.  But I talked about it anyway.  I was brutally honest, just because I knew he would see the same things whether I was or wasn't.  He listened intently, not offering any opinion on this thing or that, but simply hearing my heart.  That meant a lot to me.  Anyone else I talked to about these things would have jumped at the chance to fix me.  He didn't.  Then I asked him where we were going.

There was a lovely glint of playfulness in his eyes.  "You'll see."  He said.

"Why am I not surprised?"  I replied.

I heard the softest hint of laughter.  "Close your eyes."

I stopped walking and did as he asked.  I was definitely confused, but I figured I didn't need to say so.  He could probably read my curiosity loud and clear.

"Keep walking."

"With my eyes closed?"

No answer.  I knew he was still there.  I don't know how, since it was totally silent around me, but I just knew.  I just stood for a moment, waiting to see if he was actually planning on answering me.  Not a word came.  Well, I guess I had my orders.  Close my eyes and keep walking.  Right.

I took it one step at a time, walking with my arms out in front of me like a zombie.  I'm sure the other people going for walks in area were enjoying the spectacle.  A twinge of embarrassment pricked my stomach, and immediately afterwards I tripped on a stick in the path.  I stopped.

"Trust me."  He whispered.  "Don't think about them.  Just trust me."

I straightened, took a deep breath, and started again.  This time there were no obstacles.  I focused on Jesus's presence and it was almost like I could see him walking just beside me.

"Stop.  We've arrived."

"Can I open my eyes now?"  I asked.

"Please do."

I have no idea how we had gotten there, but all around us were the walls of a church.  It wasn't very large.  But the lovely detail in its simplicity made up for that.  I remember it perfectly in my mind.  Deep, beautiful honey-colored wood was the primary theme, shaded in varying hues by the intricate stained glass windows all around.  This stained glass wasn't choppy, however.  It was as though each perfectly smooth sheet of glass had just been naturally colored that way, with each window representing a different fruit of the spirit and a coinciding depiction of biblical example for that characteristic.  Everything, from the pews to the walls, were clean and fresh.  The only thing that looked at all worn was the Bible in the front.  The pages were well loved, and it sent a warm familiarity through me just to see it there.

"What is this place?"  I asked in awe, feeling compelled to take a few steps forward.

He smiled, his eyes giving off that same joyful glow.  "This is my sanctuary."

"Your sanctuary?"

"Well, it was when I lived on earth."

"Oh."  I nodded.  To be honest, I was still admiring the windows, and had only half heard him at the time.

He, of course, knew that.  I think that's why he walked up to where I was standing in the middle of the room.  I finally managed to look away long enough to meet his eyes.  "Do you like it?"  He asked me.

"It's amazing!"  I replied.  "But...where is it?  Like, if I walked out those doors, where would I be?"

"Oh, this isn't an actual room.  This one is just a memory.  However, when I gave mine up, I made it possible for you to have one."

I'm sure the surprise could be read all over my thoughts, and my face.  "I have one of these?"

"It's inside you.  Everyone has a sanctuary.  Although, most people don't know it yet.  It's where my spirit lives when people welcome me into their lives."

A thought entered my head, but in a moment I shoved it away.  It was the first time I had forgotten that doing that with Jesus was a waste of time.  He knew my thought immediately.

"Would you like to see your own?"  He asked.

I hadn't been anxious about anything during my time with Jesus.  But as soon as he asked that question, I don't know... suddenly a part of me felt as though maybe I had a reason to be.  "Do I have a choice?"

He nodded, which made me feel even more uneasy.  "You always have a choice."

I could sense his concern; his desire to see my heart put back together.  I knew immediately that this was why he'd brought me here today.  My voice, however, took a little longer to agree with me.  In a last ditch effort, I resorted to closing my eyes, facing forward, and clearing my throat extra loud.  He told me to leap, so I did.  And when I opened my eyes, I saw accumulated in front of me everything I had ever seen in myself.

My sanctuary looked much like the first, except not at all.

Instead of colorful light pouring through all around, the entire place look rather gray.  There was a layer of dust on the pews and the floor.  The Bible in the front, to my immense dismay, looked brand new and was closed.  The glorious windows that I had admired so much were now muddled and replaced with other images that mixed with the originals in a confusing display.

On the left wall, Patience had been replaced with Worry, Goodness with Obligation, and Kindness with Reputation.  The back wall held Depression and Anxiety instead of Joy and Peace.  On the right, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control had been replaced by Convenience, Conflict, and Self-Sufficiency.

And in the front, where the previous sanctuary had held Love, my sanctuary held Fear.

At first I didn't want to ask.  But I realized immediately that by not wanting to ask, he would already know my question, so I asked anyway.  "What...what happened here?"  Pure exasperation made my voice squeak through the words.  "Why is mine so different?"

A slow breath without a hint of drama came and went through his nose as his lips drew into a thoughtful line.  "Life happened here, my child.  You've experienced pain, defeat, temptation, rejection, and this is the result."

The unfair nature of the situation seemed to rip through me in an instant.  "But that can't be the reason.  I didn't choose for any of this to happen to me.  Others made me this way!"

"Beloved, you might not be able to control the pain that others give to you.  What you do with that pain, however, is entirely up to you.  And lately you've been allowing far too much pain to damage this once beautiful place."

A sudden weakness entered my being as his words lingered in the air.  He was right, of course.  All of these windows surrounding me were true, simply because I had been acting out of fear.  Fear of being wrong, of being abandoned, of getting hurt or hurting someone else.  Fear of caring to much, or too little.  It had all accumulated to me doing good things halfheartedly just so I could try to feel good about myself.  Just so I could... so I could attempt to please him.

I should have been acting out of love instead.

Before the fog of guilt could leave my brain, my legs had lead me forward to the Bible in the front of the room.  It was sitting on a pedestal, it's black leather cover blending in with the dismal room and hiding the stories beneath from view.  Sorrow as my motivator, I reached down to touch it.

Air, fresh and rushing, gently scented like pure sunshine, raced past my cheeks and sent a wave of goosebumps along my skin.  The fogginess vanished.  Suddenly I felt as though a pair of ill suiting lenses had been removed from my eyes.  All else in the room looked the same.  The Bible, however, had lost it's grim cover.  Lovely tan leather was there instead, with an intricately painted tree wrapping around the spine.  I could only glimpse it for a moment before the wind changed course and began blowing the pages over one after the other until finally landing in one spot.  One verse was already highlighted by swirling strokes of golden ink.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

The breeze returned as soon as my thoughts reached the conclusion of the verse, and the pages were sent into yet another flurry.  The book came to rest this time in 1 John, the 4th chapter.  Verses 7-10 glowed with the same golden flourish as the previous had.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

I sensed him next to me again.  Jesus, the Son of God, standing by my side.  He said my name, like a breath of warmth on the frigid fingers of a cold day.  Only then did I realize that there were tears pouring down my cheeks, and I faced him.  "Why did you bring me here?"

He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and wiped my tears away.  There was a look in his eyes I simply could not comprehend.  Was it... adoration?  But why?  I hadn't done anything worth adoring in my entire life.

"Beloved..."  He paused, demanding my complete attention in the most calming and reassuring way.  He had heard those thoughts loud and clear.  "I love you because I see a purpose that you do not yet see.  I adore you because I'm excited for you to see it too.  I want you to find that same love."  For several wonderfully terrifying seconds he just stood there in front of me, staring with compassion.  There were galaxies in his eyes.  Whole universes that had only been seen by one person.  One God.  My God.  The God standing right in front of me, giving me his full attention just because he loved me that much.  He loved everyone that much.

And that's why, in the next moment, I hugged him.  I don't know if you're supposed to do that sort of thing with the Creator of the universe, but I did it anyway.  To my delight, he hugged me back.  More tears broke through as I reveled in the safe embrace of my loving Father.  My friend.  The only person in my life who would never leave me behind.

When I pulled away, I was back in the park.  Jesus was nowhere to be seen.  It didn't matter, though, because I still felt him right next to me, and in me, and all around me.  He was everywhere!  In the trees, the grass, the rustling leaves on the path.

The best part... I may not have actually seen the end result of my Sanctuary, but to be honest, I didn't need to.  Starting with the Bible on the front pedestal and reaching all the way up into the rafters, I could tell that my Sanctuary was clean and colorful and ready to be full once again, maybe for the first time since I had first welcomed the Lord into my life.  This time, I decided, I wanted to keep it that way.  I still do.

No more fear.  It's time to live with purpose, intention, and most importantly...love.

And that's why, if Jesus ever asks you to go for a walk, don't hesitate.  Don't consult your planner, check with your friends, or second guess.  When Jesus calls you out, there's only one thing that you should be doing.

Say yes... and then go.

Letting Off Steam

This post is very impromptu.  I wasn't planning on blogging at all today.  But, you know what, sometimes a girl just has to write in order to get her thoughts in order.

I could lie, and say that I'm OK today.  But, like I said, that would be a lie.  So no, I'm not going to say that.  I am everything but OK.  My head hurts.  My heart aches.  Everything inside me wants to break down in tears because of all the fears overwhelming my thoughts.  I'm doubting my purpose, doubting my choices, doubting myself...

Why?

That question isn't my usual lead-in to the answer.  That's an actual question.  Why?  Why am I so fickle?  Why do I stray from my purpose?  Why do I take things so hard?  The problem is that I don't have an answer to any of those questions either.  Every time I try to find one I end up just like I feel today...

Worn, exhausted, and so very small.

"How could this possibly be what God wants for me?"  I ask myself.  "Surely, he must want me to go back and turn left instead of right this time."

Over a year ago I went through one of the hardest choices I've ever made.  Everyone else was pressuring me to go to college.  They all thought it was the best option.  Of course, they thought that about everyone.  I, however, disagreed.  I wanted to go to college, to make friends, have the "college experience", and maybe meet and date someone special along the way.  But when it came to what God wanted, I knew that wasn't the right choice.  I disagreed because I felt God was calling me to something more important than what I wanted.

He wanted me to stay.  He told me to stay.

I still remember the very moment.  I was sitting in church, overwhelmed, with question after question about my future running through my head.  At the end of every service they would always ask "what is your next step?"  Usually I would nod and listen to what they said the possible next steps were, but this time I was struck.  I had been praying and struggling over the decision of whether or not to go to college so harshly, and here it was.

"Stay."

The single word came like a sudden whisper that echoed over and over in my soul.  At first I just brushed it off as my mind playing tricks on me, and I continued listening to the service as the worship team entered the stage.  Then they asked once again, "what is your next step?"

"Stay."

Louder this time, I knew that it was not my own inner voice I had heard.  God had given me my answer.  And it was an answer I was afraid of hearing.  I cried all the way through the worship time that ended the service that day.  "Stay" was not the answer I had wanted to hear.  I wanted to go.  I wanted to see new things, go new places, meet new people.  Why didn't God want that for me too?

Yet another question that I still don't have the answer to.

After that it was a battle.  Everyone, even those in my own family, thought that not going to college was a foolish decision.  They were mostly just worried about me.  Everywhere I looked my friends were going to school and getting ready for their exciting first semester in the fall, and there I sat.  A girl with a scholarship to the school of her dreams, and nothing to do with it.  It was misery at its finest.  This was a test, and I was determined not to sway.  God must have had something huge planned, and I wanted to find out what it was.

I will admit, there are a ton of amazing experiences that have happened because I stayed.  I got to direct my very first musical production this year, which was a major blessing.  I've gained some amazing friends, who also stayed home from college, and they fill my life with joy.  I've grown closer to my family, and gotten to spend valuable time with them that I wouldn't have otherwise.  The skit group that I'm involved in has grown by leaps and bounds.  I got a new job that I absolutely love.  It's been a great year!

So then why is it that sometimes I still feel like I made the wrong choice?

I tell you what, Satan definitely knows how to do a number on my soul.  And the worst part is that he doesn't even have to touch it.  All he has to do is convince me that the best way to protect my heart is by destroying it myself.  Gosh, I give in to that far too easily.

I could lie, and say that I'm OK today.  But I'm not going to.  The truth is my family is stressed.  I'm stressed.  Life is messy, and it's eating at us on a daily basis.  We're all low on sleep, which makes things worse.  We've had colds, allergies, and exhaustion galore over the past month.  And it's been absolutely miserable.  But that's not even the whole of it.

My entire internal store of energy is almost completely spent on ministry, and pouring my heart into the lives of the teenagers around me.  But lately that's been getting harder and harder for me to do.  Over this year a few of these teens that I really care about have now been giving a false impression to others about me and my family.  Now, every time I walk into a room filled with all the young people that hold pieces of my heart, I can only hope that they don't see me as the fraud that those others have concocted.  I pray every day that my integrity and love for them would shine through the lies, and that God would help them all to know that I really am who I appear to be, and that I care about them just as much as I say I do.  It hurts even more than I can put into words, to think that those I feel so deeply for every day could now be convinced that my adoration for them is anything less than what it is.

My heart even still longs to show affection to the ones who have been speaking these things.  But because they believe the lies that they have even been telling themselves, I know it will be of no use.  And that breaks my heart most of all.  That someone could be so loved, and so adored, and yet not accept it.

It's because of this that I found myself on my computer today, bringing up the website for the college that I used to have a scholarship to, and wondering if I really did make the right choice.  Maybe I'm not the right person for this.  Maybe God does want me to go, and wants someone more capable to take this skit group over.  If they truly believe I'm a fraud, then maybe...maybe I am one...  Maybe I would be better off helping with someone else's ministry than leading my own.

I mean, I do have a lot of faults when it comes to leadership.  I'm constantly stumbling over my words.  I'm kind of a control freak, and tend to get stressed when I have no clue what God's plan is.  What people say often impacts me way more deeply than it should, even though I never act like it does.  I'm THE WORST at communicating, which is mostly due to the fact that phones and miscommunication are two of my biggest fears, so I usually try to avoid both by just not doing anything at all.  I always mean well, but sometimes act on a whim without really thinking things all the way through.

Now that I think of it, how on earth did I end up leading this group in the first place?

Oh yeah... I guess I didn't.  God did.

And that's what I was reminded of just now.  God placed a verse in my head that I read in devotions this morning (the first time I actually do devotions in a long time, and it's already useful.  Go God!), and this is what it says:

Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of the messenger that it was a mistake.  Why should God be angry with your words and destroy the work of your hands?

Ecclesiastes 5:6

Now, I'm aware that this verse means something entirely different in actuality, but when I read it today, God placed a new meaning on my heart.  In his words for me, it meant...

"Don't let your own insecure feelings about yourself make you believe what the world tells you, and do not push off the instructions the Holy Spirit gave you as a mistake.  When you are doing your Father's work, why would he be angry with you?"

*Sigh*

He always seems to know exactly what to say.  Gosh, I'm so in love with how he can do that!  *Smiles*  And, you know, if one good thing comes from all this turmoil, it's that I've been finding myself more in love with the Lover of my soul than ever before.  Yes, it's always hard to put away my worries and just focus on God.  Most days I can't even find it within me to open up my Bible.  But no matter what, whenever I stop long enough to breathe, I feel his arms around me, and that makes every stressful moment worth it.

I will always have some form of doubt in my life.  That is true.  But God will always be bigger than that doubt.  That is also true.  I may not have any clue what I should do next, but I will always have Jesus.  And as long as he loves me, I have all I need, right?

Right.

So, what's next?  Will I go to school?  Probably not.  I've declared that threat to myself over and over again whenever I'm in trouble, and not once have I acted on it.  This time will probably be just like all the rest, I'm sure.  If I do go to school, it will be an online school, so that I can learn what I need to and continue my ministry at the same time.  I really don't know what's next though.  I guess I just need to keep taking steps.  One day at a time.  Keep working, keep loving, keep giving, but most importantly, keep resting in Christ.  That's what life is for, right?

Alright... I should probably get on with my day.  Thank you for allowing me to vent for a little while.  I really do feel better.  I guess that's how I know I'm a writer.  Whenever I'm overtaken with emotion, my first response is to write about it.  I have a feeling that won't change anytime soon.

Until next time...

Pray for me.

In the mean time, I'm just going to continue listening to "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz on repeat.

Take it in.  Fill your lungs.
It's the peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe.

Let your weary spirit rest.
Lay down what's good and find what's best.  
Just breathe.

Breathe.  Just breathe.  
Come and rest at my feet.
And be.  Just be.
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe.

20 Songs For My Journey So Far (Or, The "It's Not Actually About Me" Playlist)

We all know that music speaks in ways that normal words most of the time just can't.  That definitely holds true in my life.  And even though I don't write or play music, I do relate to it.  These are 20 songs that have helped me feel understood; helped me feel that I'm not alone in my life.  Listen to them if you want.  And who knows, maybe you'll find they help you feel the same way.  So, in no particular order...

1. Second Guess Girl by Sara Groves

This song needs no explanation.  It's just so perfect at describing what it feels like when you're forced to make a hard decision, and when you're still figuring out who you are.  It's a transition position that I've been in quite often lately, so I really appreciate her transparent honesty here.

2. Breathe by Jonny Diaz

The first time I heard this, I was in a heap of chaos and insanity on my way to a meeting after a day of feeling like a crazy person.  My mind was on everything but God, and I had no intention of sitting to just "Breathe"...  Then Jonny Diaz came on the radio, and I cried.  Now it's my theme song.

3. Choose To Love by Francesca Battistelli

Oh, how Francesca Battistelli always manages to pin point exactly what I'm going through.  Choosing to love is one of my greatest daily struggles.  Opening up to love requires trust, and my trust has been broken enough times for this to be extremely difficult for me.  I've been choosing to love more and more often lately, and this song is a large part of the reason.

4. How I Ended Up Here by Jason Gray

Once again, wow... I have never heard a song with more honesty and accuracy to my life situation than this one right here.  As an introvert, it is so tempting to just hide away and never share life with anyone.  After listening to this 8 or 9 times the first time I heard it, though, I realized exactly how destructive pushing people away can be.

5. Revolutionaries by Bethany Dillon

Straying from what's considered "the norm" is the center of all the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far.  Jumping on the bandwagon and taking the easy road is always a temptation, but it's SO much more worth it to take the harder path!  Life has taught me this time and again already, ever since I decided to be a Revolutionary.

6. Whole by Jessa Anderson

The line that caught my attention here is "If death was beginning instead of end, than who I am now was determined then."  The fact that my life was determined and guaranteed because of the death of Christ is just crazy!  Because of his sacrifice, I don't ever have to worry about feeling "Whole".  Because, with Jesus, I already am.

7. Brave by Moriah Peters

I'm not exactly the bravest person.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite in most situations.  Because of this I decided to make my New Years resolution for 2015 a challenge to "Live Bravely" and, holy cow, a challenge it has been.  This song came out pretty close to the same time that promise was made, and it instantly became my battle cry for the year, encouraging me to take leaps that I've never taken before.

8. Can't Live Without You by Owl City

I love that Adam Young takes a style of music that is mostly popular in secular circles, and transforms it by creating Christian lyrics and stories to go along with it.  Because he goes through a lot of anxiety just like I do, I relate to his music a ton.  It always reminds me that I'm never alone.

9. Press On by Building 429 (Feat. Blanca Callahan)

The truth in this song speaks volumes.  Just the fact that I am a mess, and yet God calls me his own and created my every flaw with a meaning.  It's more than I could ever ask for, and it allows me to "Press On" in a way that I could never accomplish without Him.  Life goes on, but He's all I need.

10. Losing by Tenth Avenue North

Being different has been my way of life since I was very, very young.  Most Christians can relate to that fact.  Because of this, I definitely know what pain feels like.  Rejection and brokenness are a common theme in my story, but God has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Forgiveness is definitely a struggle, but it's a struggle worth having.

11. Awake My Love by I Am They

Even in the times when I'm hurting, and wonder what God is up to, He always finds a way to send me something to smile about.  God is the noble treasurer of my heart, the intimate lover of my soul, and he "Awakes My Love" in new and wonderful ways every single day.  I love Him with everything in me.

12. 3:42 A.M. (Writer's Block) by MercyMe

Being a writer, it's always challenging on those nights when the words just won't come like I want them to.  What I've discovered, though, is that those nights are usually a sign that I need to lay my novel and my characters at the feet of God, and allow him to make up what I lack.  The stories He writes are 100% better than the ones I come up with on my own.  If the idea is mine, it's a waste of time!  This song greatly helps to remind me of that.

13. The Waiting by Jamie Grace

Patience... Waiting... Oh, my greatest enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  But each time I choose to wait instead of going forward on my own, I learn something new, and it ends up being worth the wait.  If I rush into things, disaster strikes.  So why is it I continue to make the same hasty mistakes?

14. Beyond Me by tobyMac

I've had the opportunity to do so many amazing and unique things in my life, and it's incredible to even think about!  But whenever people ask how I do what I do, I can only tell them that I don't.  God is the source of every accomplishment.  All of the greatest things I've ever done were not my doing, and they were all definitely WAY "Beyond Me."

15. Want To Be Real by Chris August

Some days I get so unbelievably frustrated with the false nature of the world.  I remember back when I was going through some of my particularly difficult days, I would listen to this song over and over and pray that I didn't become fake; that I would grow into a genuine and authentic lover of Christ.  I wanted to simply be real, and that's still my prayer.

16. Ready Or Not by Britt Nicole (Feat. Lecrae)

Sometimes it is so much easier to simply take the background spot and leave the leadership position to someone else.  However, that's not God's plan for us.  As soon as we devote our lives to him, we make a promise to stand out for his name.  We may be ridiculed for living out loud in that way, but it suddenly becomes a part of our nature to shine.  We can't hide it! 

17. I Refuse by Josh Wilson

This song is wonderful in so many ways.  I relate to it so much.  There was a time in my life where I had no clue what I was supposed to do in this life, and I was tempted to just sit back and not do anything.  Then I discovered what my purpose was, and suddenly I couldn't stand still!  It's like a flame took me over, and that flame still burns to this day!

18. Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets

Even in the hardest times of my life, God was at work.  Winning or losing, love and hate, joy or pain, no matter what the circumstance God is always working.  He's been making me since before I was even born, and He'll be making me until the day I breathe my last.  That's just how good He is.

19. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

This song pulled me through every single one of those broken friendships and rejection situations.  When a best friend betrays your trust, it's hard to bounce back.  When multiple friends betray your trust at separate times, it seems nearly impossible.  Listening to Brandon's words here reminded me that forgiveness was more important than anything, and that God would bring positive change through the pain.  I am truly "Not Who I Was", and this song is my letter of grace to those friends.

20. My Story by Big Daddy Weave

This song is self explanatory, and completely truthful!  I hope you enjoyed this journey through my history, and the music that guided me through it.  God uses people and art to impact us in amazing ways, and it happens everyday.  May your day be blessed with music and the glorious love of Christ!

To listen to this playlist on Spotify, click here.