This post is very impromptu. I wasn't planning on blogging at all today. But, you know what, sometimes a girl just has to write in order to get her thoughts in order.
I could lie, and say that I'm OK today. But, like I said, that would be a lie. So no, I'm not going to say that. I am everything but OK. My head hurts. My heart aches. Everything inside me wants to break down in tears because of all the fears overwhelming my thoughts. I'm doubting my purpose, doubting my choices, doubting myself...
Why?
That question isn't my usual lead-in to the answer. That's an actual question. Why? Why am I so fickle? Why do I stray from my purpose? Why do I take things so hard? The problem is that I don't have an answer to any of those questions either. Every time I try to find one I end up just like I feel today...
Worn, exhausted, and so very small.
"How could this possibly be what God wants for me?" I ask myself. "Surely, he must want me to go back and turn left instead of right this time."
Over a year ago I went through one of the hardest choices I've ever made. Everyone else was pressuring me to go to college. They all thought it was the best option. Of course, they thought that about everyone. I, however, disagreed. I wanted to go to college, to make friends, have the "college experience", and maybe meet and date someone special along the way. But when it came to what God wanted, I knew that wasn't the right choice. I disagreed because I felt God was calling me to something more important than what I wanted.
He wanted me to stay. He told me to stay.
I still remember the very moment. I was sitting in church, overwhelmed, with question after question about my future running through my head. At the end of every service they would always ask "what is your next step?" Usually I would nod and listen to what they said the possible next steps were, but this time I was struck. I had been praying and struggling over the decision of whether or not to go to college so harshly, and here it was.
"Stay."
The single word came like a sudden whisper that echoed over and over in my soul. At first I just brushed it off as my mind playing tricks on me, and I continued listening to the service as the worship team entered the stage. Then they asked once again, "what is your next step?"
"Stay."
Louder this time, I knew that it was not my own inner voice I had heard. God had given me my answer. And it was an answer I was afraid of hearing. I cried all the way through the worship time that ended the service that day. "Stay" was not the answer I had wanted to hear. I wanted to go. I wanted to see new things, go new places, meet new people. Why didn't God want that for me too?
Yet another question that I still don't have the answer to.
After that it was a battle. Everyone, even those in my own family, thought that not going to college was a foolish decision. They were mostly just worried about me. Everywhere I looked my friends were going to school and getting ready for their exciting first semester in the fall, and there I sat. A girl with a scholarship to the school of her dreams, and nothing to do with it. It was misery at its finest. This was a test, and I was determined not to sway. God must have had something huge planned, and I wanted to find out what it was.
I will admit, there are a ton of amazing experiences that have happened because I stayed. I got to direct my very first musical production this year, which was a major blessing. I've gained some amazing friends, who also stayed home from college, and they fill my life with joy. I've grown closer to my family, and gotten to spend valuable time with them that I wouldn't have otherwise. The skit group that I'm involved in has grown by leaps and bounds. I got a new job that I absolutely love. It's been a great year!
So then why is it that sometimes I still feel like I made the wrong choice?
I tell you what, Satan definitely knows how to do a number on my soul. And the worst part is that he doesn't even have to touch it. All he has to do is convince me that the best way to protect my heart is by destroying it myself. Gosh, I give in to that far too easily.
I could lie, and say that I'm OK today. But I'm not going to. The truth is my family is stressed. I'm stressed. Life is messy, and it's eating at us on a daily basis. We're all low on sleep, which makes things worse. We've had colds, allergies, and exhaustion galore over the past month. And it's been absolutely miserable. But that's not even the whole of it.
My entire internal store of energy is almost completely spent on ministry, and pouring my heart into the lives of the teenagers around me. But lately that's been getting harder and harder for me to do. Over this year a few of these teens that I really care about have now been giving a false impression to others about me and my family. Now, every time I walk into a room filled with all the young people that hold pieces of my heart, I can only hope that they don't see me as the fraud that those others have concocted. I pray every day that my integrity and love for them would shine through the lies, and that God would help them all to know that I really am who I appear to be, and that I care about them just as much as I say I do. It hurts even more than I can put into words, to think that those I feel so deeply for every day could now be convinced that my adoration for them is anything less than what it is.
My heart even still longs to show affection to the ones who have been speaking these things. But because they believe the lies that they have even been telling themselves, I know it will be of no use. And that breaks my heart most of all. That someone could be so loved, and so adored, and yet not accept it.
It's because of this that I found myself on my computer today, bringing up the website for the college that I used to have a scholarship to, and wondering if I really did make the right choice. Maybe I'm not the right person for this. Maybe God does want me to go, and wants someone more capable to take this skit group over. If they truly believe I'm a fraud, then maybe...maybe I am one... Maybe I would be better off helping with someone else's ministry than leading my own.
I mean, I do have a lot of faults when it comes to leadership. I'm constantly stumbling over my words. I'm kind of a control freak, and tend to get stressed when I have no clue what God's plan is. What people say often impacts me way more deeply than it should, even though I never act like it does. I'm THE WORST at communicating, which is mostly due to the fact that phones and miscommunication are two of my biggest fears, so I usually try to avoid both by just not doing anything at all. I always mean well, but sometimes act on a whim without really thinking things all the way through.
Now that I think of it, how on earth did I end up leading this group in the first place?
Oh yeah... I guess I didn't. God did.
And that's what I was reminded of just now. God placed a verse in my head that I read in devotions this morning (the first time I actually do devotions in a long time, and it's already useful. Go God!), and this is what it says:
Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of the messenger that it was a mistake. Why should God be angry with your words and destroy the work of your hands?
Ecclesiastes 5:6
Now, I'm aware that this verse means something entirely different in actuality, but when I read it today, God placed a new meaning on my heart. In his words for me, it meant...
"Don't let your own insecure feelings about yourself make you believe what the world tells you, and do not push off the instructions the Holy Spirit gave you as a mistake. When you are doing your Father's work, why would he be angry with you?"
*Sigh*
He always seems to know exactly what to say. Gosh, I'm so in love with how he can do that! *Smiles* And, you know, if one good thing comes from all this turmoil, it's that I've been finding myself more in love with the Lover of my soul than ever before. Yes, it's always hard to put away my worries and just focus on God. Most days I can't even find it within me to open up my Bible. But no matter what, whenever I stop long enough to breathe, I feel his arms around me, and that makes every stressful moment worth it.
I will always have some form of doubt in my life. That is true. But God will always be bigger than that doubt. That is also true. I may not have any clue what I should do next, but I will always have Jesus. And as long as he loves me, I have all I need, right?
Right.
So, what's next? Will I go to school? Probably not. I've declared that threat to myself over and over again whenever I'm in trouble, and not once have I acted on it. This time will probably be just like all the rest, I'm sure. If I do go to school, it will be an online school, so that I can learn what I need to and continue my ministry at the same time. I really don't know what's next though. I guess I just need to keep taking steps. One day at a time. Keep working, keep loving, keep giving, but most importantly, keep resting in Christ. That's what life is for, right?
Alright... I should probably get on with my day. Thank you for allowing me to vent for a little while. I really do feel better. I guess that's how I know I'm a writer. Whenever I'm overtaken with emotion, my first response is to write about it. I have a feeling that won't change anytime soon.
Until next time...
Pray for me.
In the mean time, I'm just going to continue listening to "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz on repeat.
Take it in. Fill your lungs.
It's the peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe.
Let your weary spirit rest.
Lay down what's good and find what's best.
Just breathe.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Come and rest at my feet.
And be. Just be.
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe.
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