It Gets Better

Hello friends.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to start this post. This year has been a whirlwind. But the overwhelming truth that I keep coming back to is this...

Our good, wonderful, glorious God is so magnificently, unconditionally FAITHFUL.

If you've been reading my previous posts, you know that I've been in the depths of ministry burnout for about two years now, which came to a climax in the Fall/Winter of 2017. Feel free to go back and read those heart cries if you need to catch up on that whole situation. I didn't want to accept it then, but I can say with honesty now that I had been experiencing depression along with the burnout at that time as well. It was a series of dark days for me. I seriously thought I would never feel that beautiful passion burning inside me ever again. For theatre, for writing, for ministry. But, praise the Lord, that darkness is not where I remained.

Now, almost a year later, I am rejoicing!

God walked every step of this year right along side me, and proved to me time and again how vast his goodness and mercy really are. I'm more myself than I've ever been, and I couldn't have gotten here without the wake up call of hitting rock bottom, and having no choice but to look up. God truly turned my entire world upside down, and I've never been so thankful to have my plans pried from my fingers.

Last year my resolution was to "Lose Myself in God's Love." He brought that to fruition in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I didn't think it was beautiful at the time, though. I'd been stripped of every mask I used to wear, the comfort I used to cling to, hiding behind identities that weren't my own. Writer, Director, Ministry Leader, the list went on. And God tore those masks away from me one at a time, until all that was left at the end of last year was... me.

That isn't what I wanted. "Me" isn't what I wanted. Without those masks I became the girl who hadn't dealt with the pain that friends and past relationships had left behind, shoving it away to keep the feelings of worthlessness at bay. I became the girl who developed social anxiety from being bullied. The girl who smiled all day and said she was good just to avoid talking about how she had cried herself to sleep the night before, the weight of her stress being far too much for her to bear. Without those masks all I had was my pain.

And that pain is what God was trying to get to all along.

Over New Years, feeling at the very end of me and not capable of really "doing" anything, my resolution for 2018 was to simply "Abide In Him."

Honestly, abiding was all I could do. I was so exhausted, and I had no ways to please anyone that wouldn't totally drain my energy in an hour or less. All I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let him love me.

And that's exactly what he wanted all along.

In church they always tell you that "God's love isn't something we can ever earn." And we all smile and nod and say we agree. But do we really believe that statement? I thought I did. And then I learned, after 7 years of ministry, that I had believed one thing while simultaneously living in the opposite.

I believed that I could earn God's love. I could deserve it. "All those other people in my past hadn't thought me worthy of long-term love, but surely I could make God see that I was deserving of the sacrifice he had made for me!"

Flummadiddle!

I couldn't teach God how to love me anymore than I could teach a potato how to be a potato. A potato already IS a potato! And God already loves me as much as he ever could, with every ounce of unconditional love that he has!

And so, as I've spent this year abiding in his gracious love for me, I've found so much healing in taking the time to just simply be in awe. Do you ever do that? Just sit and allow yourself to be amazed by God?

Yesterday I went for a walk, and the air was a settling kind of warm, and the breeze was just strong enough to blow my hair back and kiss my skin, and the sky had just enough stars and clouds to look like pure artistry. I took off my shoes and stood in still, quiet water. My lungs filled with the blessed scent of dewy greenery. I could taste a coming rainstorm brewing in the breeze. I felt rocks under my toes.

That's something you truly miss when you go through burnout... Feeling. In the midst of that season, everything is numb. Food you used to enjoy has no taste. Joy and anger are just words. Everything is indifference and dull sorrow, and not knowing why.

Last night was one of the many times over the past several months where I quieted my heart and just allowed myself to feel. And I did. And what I found was pure, unhindered joy welling in my soul. In that moment, it was impossible for me not to marvel at God's majesty.

Remember that trail I was telling you about in a previous post? The one that God wanted me to pave? I think I found it. That trail he wants me to pave and explore is my relationship with him. What I'll find along the way, I have no idea.

But that's the exciting part, isn't it? We get to ADVENTURE, and GROW, and DISCOVER until the day we pass away. And then we'll stand in amazement as we look at the full tapestry that God used our lives to create. And it will be the most beautiful thing!

If you're someone experiencing depression, burnout, or some other struggle right now, don't stop fighting. God can use it, and he WILL use it. Not only that, but he'll bring a whole new season of light to you on the other side. You'll feel again. You'll hope again. You'll breathe again. Allow yourself the time to ache, and rest, and mourn over the broken pieces of the life you've lost. But then open your arms, sit in God's presence, and let him love on you!

Don't ever stop fighting for your purpose, your joy, your soul.

Even after you heal, you're still going to have days now and then when that exhaustion comes back. Listen to it! Rest when it comes, and take the time to really hear what your heart is telling you. But I promise it will improve with time, and those burnout days will get less and less frequent.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, and have been so good about checking in to make sure I'm okay. God has used you to heal my heart in more ways than you will ever know.

Now... I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow again. I'm ready to feel again. I'm ready to continue the adventure that God called me to so many years ago, applying all the new things I've learned along the way.

I'm ready.

Onward and Upward!

My Top 16 Most Listened To Artists Of 2016

As a writer, it often helps my concentration to have music playing through my mind while I write.  Different scenes require different moods, so I listen to a lot of varying types of music.  Even when I'm not writing, I have headphones in my ears and I'm dancing around to something.  It's a usual sight in my house.  Or maybe it's playing through a speaker.  Or I'm listening to my record player.  (As a matter of fact, I have music on while I'm writing this post right now.)  Without furthering your inevitable anticipation, in no particular order, here are my most listened to artists of 2016...


1. Carrollton



Tell Me / Let Love Win / Meant To Be / Open Wide

2. Colony House

Lonely / You and I / Waiting For My Time To Come / Silhouettes / Moving Forward

3. Adam Young Scores

These are my favorite albums to put on shuffle when I'm writing 😁

4. Lauren Daigle

How Can It Be / Trust In You / Come Alive / First


5. Ben Rector

Brand New / Follow You / More Like Love / Forever Like That / Note To Self / Almost Home
(Who am I kidding, all of his songs are amazing)


6. Relient K

There are too many to list, but I'm in love with their newest album.  Air For Free is my jam ❤


7. I Am They



From The Day / Awake My Love / We Are Yours / King Of Love


8. Anthem Lights



Unknown / Like The Movies / Be With You / Dear Hollywood
(Ah, the average Christian girl's favorite band of total weirdos.)

9. Jessa Anderson

Fireflies / Giving Your Heart Away / Worship The Lamb / Not Myself Anymore / Whole

10. Rend Collective

My Lighthouse / Every Giant Will Fall / You Will Never Run / Boldly I Approach

11. NEEDTOBREATHE



Multiplied / Brother / Happiness / Testify


12. Owl City



Vanilla Twilight / Back Home / My Everything / Silhouette / Tidal Wave / Up All Night / Wolf Bite
(Just... all of it.  It's Adam Young, king of the awkward introverts!  Come on, I can't just pick a few.)


13. Jamie Grace



Just A Friend / White Boots / Little Ol' Me / Show Jesus


14. TobyMac



Til The Day I Die / Move / Feel It / Me Without You / Made For Me


15. Tenth Avenue North



Worn / What You Want / We Won't Numb The Pain / Losing / Oh My Dear / Control / Afraid
(Yesss, more beloved Christian weirdos.)


16. 513Free



 Weight Of It All / Different / Slide / Beautiful Mystery / Made For More / Letters To God
(This group is fantastic, and they are so much more than a band.  Their new album, Real Thing, is incredible!  Check it out along with their various prison ministries to #BreakTheCycle!)

What are some of your favorite artists and songs from this year?  Let me know in the comments!

9 Ways to Beat The Early Stages of Anxiety and Depression

Note: Nothing in this post is clinically proven, and should not be treated as such.  But coming from someone who has dealt with small cases of depression and anxiety myself, these are some of the methods I've used to perk up or relieve some stress.

1. Seek the Lord through prayer and scripture.

I know, I know, you're most likely rolling your eyes from how cliche that sounds.  But I'm serious, it does help.  Very often, when we are in the midst of struggles, we feel like we're in a boxing match with the Invisible Man.  In a way, we are.  Satan is the one who puts pain in our lives.  God allows these battles so that we can grow, but it's still difficult to fight an opponent we can't see.  There's something satan doesn't know though: We're not alone in the ring.  God CAN see satan, and he will fight our battles for us if we only ask.  A good way to start is to pray by reading the Psalms aloud.  The book of Psalms is filled with praise and rejoicing, but it also has many heart cries and desperate prayers for peace between its pages.  Start there, and see what you find.

2. Identify a safe place.

Whether this is within the walls of a church, in a counselor's office, or one single person, having a safe place where you can talk openly about what your going through is a very important part of overcoming each particular struggle.  Most churches have mentors or small groups created specifically for the purpose of helping people overcome different difficulties they might have, with the desire to give them a safe refuge to talk and be accepted.  The only suggestion I have on this topic is to talk to someone you can trust, but who is not a person you are dating/you met online.  I would think this to be obvious, but talking to people you have never met in person about your problems is just a bad idea.  It's not as horrible to talk to a boyfriend/girlfriend about your struggles, but when it comes to advising you correctly it would be much harder for them to be truly honest with you for, again, obvious reasons.  And since you're only dating, it's not their job to counsel you. Make sure you confide in someone who will truly tell you what you need to hear, and will mentor you correctly.

3. Tea Tree Oil.

This might sound strange and random, but a few months ago I discovered the Tea Tree products from Trader Joe's and I'm absolutely in love with them.  I started using the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash in the shower, and it has done wonders for my anxiety.  It just has a really fresh, calming scent, and when you wash your hair with the shampoo and conditioner it leaves a cool, tingly, almost minty sensation, like a massage for your scalp.  I also got the face cleansing wipes recently as well, and I use them to relieve some stress during the day.  It's definitely worth a try.

4. Essential Oils/Wax Melters.

Did you know that different smells can affect your mood?  I didn't until I started utilizing some aromatherapy.  My mom and dad got me a portable travel kit with three roller-ball bottles for my Birthday a year or two ago, and they're amazing.  They have oil mixtures that help you sleep, perk you up, ease motion sickness, and, the one I got most recently, help you de-stress.  I've also used wax melters, which aren't as specific in what their scents can help, but adding the fragrance of something you love to your space is enough to make anyone smile.

5. Get a change of scenery.

My struggle with anxiety is often made worse by repetition.  The same activities, same walls, same places, same roads, it's like pacing back and forth every day all day long.  See something new!  A new store, new city, new park, even a new person!  Invite someone over that you've wanted to talk to, but haven't gotten the chance yet.  Also, this one might not make sense at first, but get new walls!  Just like different smells can affect your mood, so can colors.  If staring at the same walls is driving you crazy, research the science of color and paint your walls something that will ease your mind a little bit.

6. Add some purpose!

Honestly, I cannot stress this enough.  If you feel like you have no purpose, or you are too anxious to go out and find one, things are only going to get worse.  This is when anxiety begins to turn into depression.  FIND SOME PURPOSE.  And this isn't nearly as scary or hard as it sounds because, guess what, if your heart is still beating and your lungs are still breathing then you currently have a purpose RIGHT NOW.  What I mean when I say to FIND a purpose is that you need to discover something that makes you feel needed.  There are a few different ways to do that...

• Become needed.  Oftentimes when you feel needed by someone, that need they have will become more important than your anxiety.  That's when you're on your way to overcoming it.  Volunteer at a kids club, work at a retirement home, fight against human trafficking, help in your church, mentor someone younger than you, get a sponsor child, be a friend.  The list goes on and on.  The only struggle here is taking the leap.  From there you're on the up and up.
• Start a collection.  I know that sounds weird and small, but it really does help.  I started collecting pens a few years ago, just getting them from different places I've been in and out of town for memory sake, and I'm almost to 100 pens!  The best part is that each and every one has a memory attached to it of why I love life.  I get to think about that every time I write with them.
• Make something!  A blog, a youtube channel, a scrapbook, a novel, a scarf.  It doesn't matter what it is, just create art everyday!  Art in itself is extremely therapeutic, no matter what the form.  Find a form that fits your taste and go for it!

7. Journal AMAP (As Much As Possible)

Believe me, writing down your thoughts is a totally transforming and simple way to sort your thoughts, and I promise it will help.  Especially if you write directly to God.  I have trouble focusing when I pray out loud or in my head, but I could journal with God for hours.  Some days I can sit and write for pages and pages about one topic, and then I end up finding out something new and beautiful about myself every time.  Just...just do it.  You'll thank yourself later.  It also helps to look back on old journals.  In the past you didn't think you would make it out of all kinds of situations, but looking back from the present you'll notice fragments of exactly how God was with you every step of the way.  The same thing will happen to you with what you're going through right now.

8. Make tea.

Not just drinking tea, but also simply the process of making tea is said to have a calming affect.  Also, the different herbs in various teas have different results when it comes to your emotional state.  Look up the health benefits of teas and their ingredients and find one that works for your struggle.  When those soothing aromas go drifting by, you'll be one step closer to a peaceful atmosphere.

And finally...

9. Find comfort in knowing that it's totally ok to not be ok.

Jesus himself experienced sadness, fear, and anxiety.  These are simply emotions, just like joy, anticipation, and compassion.  The only difference is what you do with them.  Jesus used his pain to relate to people, and turned a negative situation into a positive ministry.  By finding an outlet of outreach, he automatically took the power away from his pain, and instead began feeding into the joy of others.  Sometimes the bad things that happen to us are the best motivators to reach out to people and help them see their circumstances through different eyes.

What helps you with depression or anxiety?  Have some things worked better than others?  Look up what the Bible says about these topics.  There's a lot more than you think!

Keep Your Eyes Closed And....

                           

There's a dry erase board on my desk.  It's plain, it's white, it's magnetic, and it's smudged all over from different phrases and sayings being written on it to give my work a little oomph here and there.  Writing inspiration mostly, but sometimes just general life encouragement.  My most recent quote:

Keep your eyes closed, and your mind wide open...

I really like this phrase.  For a writer, it helps your imagination soar a little bit.  It sounds so freeing.  The first time I heard this quote was in the movie Bridge to Terabithia, and it was all about allowing your head to expand and turn into amazing worlds that have never been seen before!  Exciting, right?  Yeah, it got me pretty excited too.

If only I had known how dangerous putting that quote on my board would be...

Now, the quote itself isn't dangerous.  It's great and inspiring!  It's a path to your imagination.  Don't misunderstand me there.  The dangerous part came from what I made that quote into. 

You see, I have a problem. 

Ok, you got me.  If you've been reading my blog, you know that I actually have quite a few problems.  But I'm referring to just one of those problems, and it's the fact that I think way to much.  I am never not thinking.  It's like the hamster wheel in my brain got taken over by a hamster that's hooked up to a constant caffeine flow.  It just never stops!  Even now there are several bits of information swirling about while I'm writing this post. 

What dress am I going to wear to that dance next week?  What should (and shouldn't) I talk about when I meet up with my friends this week?  Who do I need to contact for the skit group performances I have coming up?  What storyline should I continue for my NaNoWriMo book this month? 

See what I mean?

When a quote tells me everyday to close my eyes to what's around me and open my brain to whatever thoughts come, I end up in a constant state of questioning my present, my past, my future, and, for goodness sake, my very existence.  Can anyone relate?  Can I get an "Amen"? 

No?  Just me?  Ok.

But seriously, your mind is such an amazingly powerful place!  It dictates your words, your actions, and who you are!  However, when you allow it to just wander at will, there's a large possibility you'll find yourself wrapped up in chains of worry and doubt.  When you think too much about everything around you, and try to figure out life before it's time, you'll just end up confused and afraid.  There's no way for us to predict our own futures.

So...what's the alternative?

I wondered that too.  Then, suddenly, God threw the answer right in front of me when I was in the very depths of shame and sorrow.  A song came on the radio in my car, and the main chorus said Keep your eyes open.  "Unscramble the words."  God whispered to my soul. 

Suddenly, the original quote that was on my desk for weeks seemed so backwards in applying to my life!  I needed to turn it around.  Flip it.  Change it up.  That was what freedom was supposed to feel like.  Knowing you didn't have to think or worry about anything it life, you only needed to keep your eyes open to watch God work it out for you.  "Close your mind," God said, "and keep your eyes fixed on me."

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God."

That's such a powerful verse, and God used it to change my perspective that day.  By constantly thinking, I was doing everything but being still.  Another one of my favorite Bible verses challenges me every day.  It comes from Philippians 4:6-7, and it says...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

After all that, how could we possibly allow ourselves to think so much that it distances us from God?  He wants to take care of the worry.  He wants to settle our fear for good, and give us courage.  He wants to fights our battles for us, so that we can focus on our walk with him!  He has fully offered to "guard our hearts and our minds" in order to give us peace.  I don't know about you, but I definitely want to take him up on that deal!

What's my new motto, you ask?  It's a really good one.  And it's already made a positive splash in my life...

"Keep a quiet mind, and watch God work."

Freedom feels pretty good, doesn't it?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

So, next time you're tempted to close your eyes and open your mind to an afternoon of endless thoughts, maybe take a moment to pause.  Ask yourself if thinking your life away is really how you want to spend your days.  How much more could you be doing to make a difference in this world if you gave up the time you spent worrying?  Yeah, I know, that question hurt me too...

But it's true.  We spend so much time in our very, very short lives trying to safeguard ourselves for tomorrow, when we should really just be trusting God with that stuff and living for today.  Moments are beautiful.  Moments speak to us.  They breathe, and flow, and blossom with a joyful kind of contentment that we could revel in if we would just open our clenched fingers and let the worry float away.  If we would let our stubborn pride fall.  If we would tear down our walls, the ones we built from the fear of being wrong, and live. 

If we would only keep a quiet mind, and watch God work.

Do you see the difference?  It's the separation between being so concerned about our own daily life that it consumes us, and letting God take care of that daily life so that we can spend that concern on someone else.  In the second scenario, we channel our worry into something productive.  We allow God to transform worry into outreach.  We concern ourselves with those who need our help, and as we assist them in conquering their worries, through prayer and support, our own worries fade as well, all because God is working through us.

But in order to get to that point, we first have to rest in our Savior.  We need to let him take that worry from weighing on our souls, and fill the empty space with peace and compassion.  And resting in this way isn't going to just be a one time thing.  Oh no.  Because we live in this world, the worry-removal process is most likely going to have to be a daily event.  A constant emptying and refilling that will determine how we handle what's thrown our way.  And it can only happen when we "be still" and allow God to show us what he wants our quiet minds to see.

What do you say?  Would you like some peace?  Quiet?  An opportunity to just breathe?

Me too.

So let's do just that.  God's already given us the ability to.  He paid for that ability on the cross.  Ready to take a jump and work towards a life free of doubt and worry? 

Let go.  Let God.  Be free.

And believe me when I say that I'm telling myself this just as much as I'm telling you.  It's so hard.  But it's simple as that.

What types of worries are the biggest struggle for you?  Maybe make a list of everything weighing on your heart right now, then journal a prayer to give it to God.  Is there one worry that stands out among the others?  Does this one thing come up a lot for you?  Give that one some extra prayer time.