This one's for you...
To the girl that used her false confidence to make me feel small.
You, the one who started me on the path to having social anxiety, and always made sure I knew just how insignificant I was.
Who purposely made my friends feel sorry for you, so that when you teased me they would do nothing but watch in silence. And as they walked away with you, leaving me alone with my growing insecurities, you would look back at me and smirk without them ever noticing.
You, who glared at me across the room at church, and played the victim when I tried to defend myself.
You, who put me down for being too pure, innocent, and naive, saying it was ridiculous that I had no desire to be sexy. Who complained about all your boyfriend issues, and then went right on to making me feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one (which I found comical, by the way).
The girl who would point out my "idiocies" in public, in front of my friends and family.
The girl who was the reason I would listen to "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North in my room and sing at the top of my lungs, hoping and praying that God would give me enough grace to face you the next time.
The girl I was afraid of for far too long.
The girl who defined way too much of my high school experience.
To the girl who terrified me, gave me panic attacks, and made me wonder if trusting people was even worth it.
And if I saw you today, all I would have to say to you is...
Thank you.
I never got the chance to tell you. Maybe someone will see this and show it to you. I hope they do. I wanted to send it to you myself, but you blocked me on facebook. Maybe you felt guilty, or maybe you were actually convinced that I hated you. Either way, I have a lot that I haven't said to you, and so here I am.
I'm going to be honest... it's taken me ages to get here. Some of what I went through with you is the reason I have anxiety and trust issues. But I get better everyday, and that's why I want to thank you.
I will never be thankful for the memories that I have of you, don't misunderstand me there. The hateful glances, poisonous words, and sarcasm that felt like gunshot wounds took a long time for me to forget, and I'm not about to go back.
What I'm thankful for is who I became because of you.
The years when I felt lower than low in your presence were the years that taught me the most about what I do now: Youth Ministry. Thanks to you, when a teen comes to me feeling insignificant, I can relate to them. I can look them in the eye and tell them that God will use their struggles for good, because that's what He did for me.
In fact, if I had never been bullied, I doubt I would have discovered I have a passion for youth ministry at all. It's because of you that I stumbled upon that immense gift in my life, and the reason I have now been able to help so many young people overcome their own bullies by the grace of God.
You made me feel completely alone. But it was in that loneliness that I clung to God the most dependently. My relationship with my Savior is deeper because of that time. And it was in the lonely hours that He revealed his plans for my life, bit by beautiful bit.
It was also during these hours of solitude that I dove into my writing, and discovered that I could create worlds outside of my own. Some of the best scenes I have ever written came from nights filled with tearful desperation for a distraction. My characters grew out of that hurt. These characters were my comfort, and are still a beloved part of my life to this day.
Thanks to you, I have learned how to not only tolerate people who are cruel to me, but also understand their situation in an effort to show them love. Just like I had to do in order to forgive you. It took several years, but I finally figured out the secret behind your hatred toward me, and in the end it had nothing to do with me.
People who feel insecure act cruelly in order to make others feel insecure, and so on. I don't know why, or what happened in your life to make you feel so small that you had to resort to injuring others, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever pain made you want to stop feeling. I'm sorry that you felt the only way you could make and keep friends was by manipulation. I'm sorrier still that you hated me simply because I didn't fall for your game. There were times you even made me second guess myself, and I had to consult with adults in order to make sure I wasn't really the one at fault.
Because of that, you made me stronger.
I really do owe you a lot. You may never know that I've forgiven you, and that breaks my heart. God taught me so many lessons through you, all of which have greatly impacted who I am today. I only wish I could hug you and say so in person, maybe even just to see the look of confusion on your face.
You challenged me. You injured my self-esteem. But your treatment of me never defined me, and I'm more confident now because of it.
I may never see you again, but if I do, and if God gives me the courage to approach you one more time, I might just tell you so in person.
But for now, since the internet is all I have, I will do so right here.
In the past I never would have believed I could say this, but....
Thank you.
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