A Day In The Life Of Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

If you or someone you know has anxiety of any kind, you know what confusion is like. I can say that because I have social anxiety, and it's a part of my daily struggle. We are confusing people. We're painfully aware of that truth, believe me. That's why I want to help.

Believe it or not, helping someone with anxiety is simple. It all comes down to helping us train our brains. That sounds weird, I know. But conditioning an anxiety brain to know it's safe when you're near is the secret to a calm, happy anxiety friend.

Before I go into that, though, it's important that you see life through our very specific set of eyes.

Here's what a typical day looks like with an anxiety brain...

I just woke up. My neck, shoulders, and back are sore. It was a stressful day yesterday, and I must have been tensing up again. (Sometimes we can go a whole day with constantly tensed up muscles and not even know it. It's our normal.)

I know I should eat breakfast, but I'm too nervous. There's too much to get done. I need to make sure I succeed today, or I'll start spiraling. I have to mentally prepare before I call about setting up my routine dental appointment today, I don't want to say something idiotic and mess up. I'll just grab a granola bar and call it good. (It's different for everyone, but for social anxiety phone calls are usually the absolute worst. If an anxiety brain can talk on the phone with you and feel comfortable, congratulations, you have been accepted into the circle! I think I can name about 7 people I can talk on the phone to without having to psych myself up first. My parents, my siblings, and one of my cousins.)

Then I'm meeting with a friend later, so I need to think through a mental list of conversation topics. I don't want to leave things silent for too long or they'll think I'm awkward. I also need to think through every possible scenario of what could go wrong so I can prepare accordingly. I don't want to seem lonely, but I still want them to know I want to be there. I don't want to seem clingy, but I don't want to be distant either. I also don't want to offend them by accident. I've been hurt, and I don't ever want to be the source of someone else's pain. I'll have to be super careful. (This is often why people with anxiety are introverts. It takes a lot of energy and effort to talk to people. Especially for social anxiety.)

I finished my phone call, and I didn't mess up. Mental high five! Now I'm at the grocery store. All the self checkouts are closed, so I have to use a normal lane. I hope I don't say something stupid to the cashier. I'll say only what I absolutely have to, and then leave. Hopefully there's a self checkout open next time. (I pretty much only use self checkouts when the option is available. And no, it's not because I'm trying to put cashiers out of a job, so stop bringing that up, please.)

As I'm looking at my to do list for the day, I see my email list, and notice that there are several emails piled up in my work account. There are also several messages on facebook that I haven't had time to answer, and I should start somewhere so people don't think I'm ignoring them. Oh no... I shouldn't have opened my emails. I forgot about that project I was supposed to submit yesterday. They must think I'm an awful person. I feel terrible. I don't want to be bad at my job. It's too much... I failed. I won't get it all done. Why do I even try when I always mess up? (At this point I can feel my heart rate increasing. Something so simple, and yet my brain has just told my body it's in danger. Fight or flight is activated, and adrenaline is released into my body. My thoughts become blurred and unclear. My chest simultaneously feels like there is a balloon full of moths on the inside, and a boulder on the outside. If it's really bad, and I've had a hard enough week, I might starting having shallower and more sporadic breathing.)

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. How do I calm down? I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm by myself. Just focus...focus... You can't do this right now, you need to drive home so your ice cream doesn't melt. Focus on that. No melty ice cream. That's the goal. (It might sound ridiculous, but oftentimes having a simplified, single goal to focus on in an anxiety attack is the very thing that helps us function through it. Someone once told me to start praying for a friend when this happens as well, and that helps a lot to distract and center the racing thought process of Fight Or Flight mode. Sometimes I'll recite Psalm 139 to myself. Using focus techniques to stop an anxiety attack is called "grounding," and the best thing for grounding is Jesus.)

Okay, I made it home. I should eat something, and then I'll stretch or watch a show for a while. I'll make some green tea. Maybe I'll read. I can't answer my emails now. I'm too frazzled and I might make a mistake. I'll do it later. (Believe it or not, procrastination is a sign of anxiety. We put things off because we feel we can never live up to the perfection we hope for the project to achieve, or we worry that we'll never be satisfied with it ourselves, so it's really hard for us to start or truly finish anything. That's why I'm a perfectionist personality who almost always has a messy room. I have to clean it all in one day, or it's not worth it.)

I messaged my friend to ask if we were still getting together today. I also asked how their struggles with their family have been going. They saw my message, but they're not replying. Should I have not asked? Did I say something wrong? Maybe they don't even want to see me today. They're probably just tolerating me. Or maybe they only get together with me because they don't have any other options for friends. I know I worry about things a lot, so maybe that's why? I wish I knew what they were thinking. Why won't they text back? Why am I like this? I shouldn't think about things this way. I don't blame them if they hate me... (This sounds extreme, but it's not. This is my thought process. My anxiety is sourced from rejection and abandonment situations with friendships and relationships that happened when I was in middle and high school. Situations where people I got really, deeply close to left me behind without telling me why. They just stopped communicating with me, avoided talking to me in person, and wouldn't tell me what happened when I asked. So I tend to associate silence with abandonment. Even if that's far from the truth, and I know that, that's just what my brain does.)

I've been staring at my phone, waiting for a reply that probably won't come, because they must hate me for some unknown reason. Suddenly I become aware of a deep soreness in my neck, shoulders, and jaw. I had been clenching my teeth together for the past hour, and I hadn't even noticed. I have to force my jaw to relax. It really aches, now, but that's normal. (This happens so much. I'm never truly relaxed. I find myself clenching my jaw a lot when I'm having a bad anxiety day.)

My thoughts are spinning. Everyone hates me. I can't get my work in on time. I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling overwhelmed. And now I'm spiraling. I know I'm spiraling. I know these thoughts aren't true. But what if they are? Isn't it better to be aware and in pain than to be happily oblivious? Why do I do this to myself? (Oftentimes, anxiety isn't triggered by one event. It's usually triggered by many compiled thoughts, which is why it's harder to predict when an anxiety attack is going to take place than a panic attack, which are more pointed and situation based.)

Now a family member is speaking to me. They're asking me if I completed that small task that they asked me to do earlier. I snap at them that I hadn't gotten the chance yet. I don't know why I'm angry. My mistakes are not their fault. Adrenaline is still in my system, so I have energy that has nowhere to go. I can feel that energy building in my chest. My heart rate increases again. They're surprised at my outburst and get frustrated, since they were only asking a simple question. I should apologize, and tell them about my day, but I'm embarrassed about how little overwhelms me, and I don't want to admit it. So I get mad. I don't know what I'm mad about, I just am. The build up of tension releases, and I explode. This sparks an argument that could have been easily defused if I would have just told the truth earlier, but I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles. (90% of the time, when I get mad it's because of something going on behind the scenes, and not because of the situation directly in front of me. I'm not good at owning up to the things that are bothering me, especially because anxiety makes me feel so small.)

Once the argument is over, I isolate myself for an hour or so, just until I can calm down. Then I feel terrible. That argument was ridiculous. I just ruined someone else's day. I'm so selfish. Why am I so selfish? I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't. So why am I? I go to the family member and apologize. We hug, and things are fine again. I complete the task they asked me about in the first place. (Explosions and arguments often happen when I don't get the chance to calm down after an anxiety attack. I need to get better at communicating this to people, but it's hard. I don't like owning up to the problem.)

Meanwhile, my friend has replied to my message. They're excited to get together, and tell me they can't wait. They had been in an area without phone service, which is why it took them a while to reply. We plan where we're going to meet. I go through "socialization protocol" in my head one more time before I go to meet them. We end up having an amazing time. When I get home, I think through everything I said with my friend. The only sentences that come to mind are ones that I thought might have sounded dumb. I dwell on these sentences for several days, maybe weeks, and sometimes even apologize for them. Usually the friend doesn't even remember me saying the thing that I was dwelling on. (I still lay awake in the middle of the night thinking of dumb things I said when I was in elementary school. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's my reality.)

Well... There you go...

There's a taste of what our day typically looks like. Now, this is a more extreme scenario. Having all of these examples take place on the same day would be considered a really bad anxiety day. And this day would be the result of me not taking care of myself, or not taking my usual precautions. When I eat regular meals, sleep right, and take proper care of my mental and emotional health my anxiety tends to be a lot better. That's a daily process, though. I also have certain breathing techniques, supplements, and other tricks that help keep my anxiety under control. Before I realized I had social anxiety, though, days like this happened often.

I'm planning to write a part two to this post about how to best help the anxiety brain you know. Once I write that, the link will go here...

How To Help Your Friendly Neighborhood Anxiety Brain

For now, though, I hope you found this helpful in itself! Anxiety is nothing to be afraid of or shy away from in a friendship. In fact, some of the most loving, considerate, big-hearted people I know are people with anxiety. We know what it's like to be alone, so we go out of our way to make sure people never feel that way.

I didn't at first, but over the years I've come to see my anxiety as a superpower. Without it, I don't think I would appreciate the friends I have as much. Anytime someone shows me deep unconditional love, I'm pleasantly surprised and eternally impacted by their willingness to stick around. People leaving is normal. People staying is beautiful.

Without anxiety, I never would have started writing. The worlds, and characters, and stories I've had the blessing to create because of this illness are a greater gift than I can even comprehend. And it's because of that writing that I was able to start creating original plays and skits, which is something I still do to this day. I even got to watch one of those plays come to life last fall.

I still pray that God will take my anxiety from me. Mostly because I notice how it negatively impacts those around me. But I also understand if he doesn't. Some of the most beautiful stories are woven with pain and struggle, but they have hope as well.

As Jesus said in the garden before he was arrested, "Father, take this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Sometimes God purposefully allows pain to remain in our lives. And it's because of love that he does this. Only he can see the ending. He wrote it. And he knows exactly what plot points will help us accomplish his beautiful, unique, blessed plan for us.

Anxiety is hard, frustrating, and exhausting, but it's led me through green pastures. It's placed me beside still waters. It's a tool that God has used to restore and refresh my soul on multiple occasions. It's also helped me reach out and relate to others who feel alone, and that's worth it's weight in gold.

Do you struggle with anxiety? How has God used it in your life, and the lives of others? 

What Adults Don't See: The Problem Is Never The Problem

"What is your problem?"

It's a fair enough question.  Everyone has one. In fact, I'm extremely willing to bet that everyone has several. There's just the difference between those who honestly admit it, and those who don't.

I'm one of those people who admits it. The one that everyone dreads asking the "How are you?" question, because they know I'll answer honestly.  If I'm not okay, I will tell you flat out. I don't have secrets.  As a youth leader and theatre director I make every effort in the world to be as real as possible, and being an open book seems to be the best way to do that.

The thing about being an open book... It's contagious.

A little while ago I wrote about working in youth ministry, and several lessons I've learned from it. One of those lessons involved vocabulary words that have become a part of my everyday conversations. Self-harm. Anorexia. Depression. Pornography. Anxiety. PTSD. Suicide. The list goes on and on. And what I've found over the years is that there's one thing all of these words have in common.

These words are not the problem.

Parents tell me all the time how their teen is acting out/hiding away/always searching for something more.

"I just don't know why they're clinging so hard to this unhealthy relationship."

"They're so angry all the time for no reason."

"We've tried every preventative measure and punishment, but they can't get past this addiction."

I hate to tell you this, but Jack Sparrow might have actually been right about something: "The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem."

When young adults are struggling through emotional baggage, gripping tightly to unhealthy habits/relationships, and becoming self-destructive, it's not a disease. The words in that list up there are not a diagnosis. They're a symptom.

Here's an example...

Say you have a brain tumor. It's there, it's growing, it inhibits the functionality of your daily life, and you're well aware that it exists. But instead of searching for a treatment for the original issue, you take a variety of medications to suppress the pains associated with that issue. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Not even close.

In fact, the longer you go along ignoring the tumor, the more it will grow, and the worse the symptoms will become.

I've known parents who found out that their teen had depression and was suicidal, and instead of offering compassion and seeking the source of the issue, reacted with anger. Some of the parents I've encountered even separated their child from our team of counselors when we tried to help them, grounding the teen from social situations and communication devices, and isolating them even further.

Let me be very clear: This is not the answer.

Separating the youth from positive social situations and denying the problem exists does not lead to a solution, it makes you an enabler.

If a teen you know is struggling with some sort of problem mentality, you have much bigger things to worry about than the initial situation. In every case I've seen, something much deeper was going on. These youth were dying inside long before the signs began to surface. This is where much more important words enter the picture.

Bullying. Emotional and physical abuse. Loss of a loved one. Divorce. Abandonment. Traumatic experience. Anything that might have altered the teens life in a dramatic way that they had no control over.

This is where the disease is found.

Now, I'm not saying it's a consistent rule that there's always something more going on behind the scenes when these symptoms appear. But in almost 8 years of youth ministry, I have yet to encounter a young adult situation where this didn't turn out to be the case. Thankfully, there is a solution...

Get to the source.

Now, those four words have more than one meaning. And each meaning is just as crucial as the others for getting to a cure. In my experience, these are the measures that improve and even prevent harmful situations from taking place.

1. The Source of the Emotion

When an initial outburst of unusual emotion happens, please, PLEASE do not revert to accusing the youth of "just wanting attention." I can't even tell you how damaging this is. Nine times out of ten there is something so much deeper going on. Every time you pull out the attention card you're telling the youth in question that you are not a person they can ever feel safe opening up to. The youth is going to lose respect for you, cling more tightly to their negative behavior, and will start seeking out other (most likely less moral) sources of comfort and trust.

Instead, try to get to the source of the behavior. Why do they seek out this habit/addiction/relationship? What need is it filling for them (and what is something positive that could fill that need instead)? When was the inciting incident that set this in motion?

And if the source of the issue happens to involve you in a negative way, LISTEN. Do not react with immediate harshness and anger. Calmly hear them out, ask questions about how the situation can be made better. Compromise. In other words, please, BE THE ADULT.

Put simply, react the way you would want your teen to react if roles were reversed and you brought a fault to their attention. Be respectful, attentive, and make an effort to understand their thoughts rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.

2. The Source of the Symptom

Once the source of the initial emotion is discovered, you can work toward a solution to the symptoms. When did depression start becoming more prevalent in their life? If drugs and alcohol are a bandage, where's the wound? What brought on their distrust in adult relationships, and caused them to start disrespecting authority? Find out their logic behind it.

Trust me, in most cases it doesn't take a PHD to get teens to open up. All it takes is someone who's willing to listen without immediately judging them or telling them their problem "could be worse." To them, the problem already is worse. All they want is someone to talk to about it.

Again, this takes calm listening skills, patience, and a gentle nature. Don't rush them to open up. Don't force them into telling you. Just respectfully ask the questions and allow them to tell you in their own time (it'll be sooner than you think, I promise).

No matter the attitude you're getting, the young person has most likely already considered needing help and advice in their situation, and are simply searching out the right person to approach by process of elimination. When they're finally ready to open up, make sure you're the person they feel safe with, instead of the person who will immediately default to anger and problem-solving.

Make the person more important than the problem.

3. The Source of True Healing

At the center of everything, what your youth needs more than anything is prayer. Lift them up to God daily. Ask that the Lord will surround them with people who can uplift and encourage them in the right ways when you aren't able to. Make sure your youth knows that you and God will both love them no matter what choices they make.

Seriously, that last one is super important.

So many young people think love from the adults in their life is conditional. Any overstepping of boundaries or doing something worthy of disappointment and they suddenly feel like they'll only be tolerated by their family for the rest of their lives. This isn't an exaggeration. So many teens feel this way, and it breaks my heart.

Let them know, before it's too late, that your love for them is unconditional instead of the alternative. Reassure them constantly that you're there for them no matter what. Remind them that you're there to walk with them through the storms, and that God is in control. Give them every opportunity to know that you are a safe place, a source of solid ground, and that you're willing to fight for them in every kind of storm.


I know I'm a young, unmarried person who has no parenting experience, so I understand if you have some reservations about heeding this advice. I only hope that you test these waters for yourself. Interview the teens in your life and find out if this process of assistance is something they would find beneficial.

I'm so very thankful for the young people that God has placed in my social circle. I consider them dear friends and family, and watching them grow is such a major blessing. I hope you have the chance to experience that joy!

I hope you all have a blessed week. Keep changing the world one step at a time!