Dear Men of God... 5 Things You Should Know

Now, before you feel the need to defend yourselves, I promise the purpose of this post is NOT to condemn and/or judge you. In fact, it's quite the opposite. The purpose of this post is appreciation and encouragement. So, if that sounds like something you've been needing, stick around! I'm going to dive right into it, in the blogger-typical numbered fashion. Here we go...


1. You're You For A Reason

The era we live in has made it harder than ever for men to just be themselves. Specifically men interested in the arts. More times than not, a passion for music, dance, theatre, or other creative endeavors will get you a one way ticket to a multitude of questions, usually about your gender identity. This can even lead to bullying. I'm a theatre director, so I've operated in the arts long enough to see it take place first hand. I think this trend goes all the way back to a very unfortunate lie that states men can't be emotional.

Who started that anyway? Since when does sentiment and having feelings make you less of a man? As a female, I'm here to tell you something very important: Emotions are not gender exclusive. Let me repeat that... EMOTIONS ARE NOT GENDER EXCLUSIVE. Think of King David in the Bible. God made him a musician and an incredible poet, but he was also a military leader and a mighty warrior. He felt things deeply, and it only aided him as a king and commander, because it gave him empathy towards his people. Being an artist, or being in touch with your emotional side, does not make you weak. The opposite is true. So if God has given you a spirit of deep sensitivity and passion, revel in it. He made you that way for a purpose, and he's going to use that part of you for amazing things.

(Also, guys with an emotional side are typically the ones we ladies find very attractive. Just sayin'.)


2. Women Who Desire The Biblical Model Of Marriage Do Exist

This point goes out to the single pringles. I know, I know, I'm "so old school" and I need to "get with the times." That's what most women would say to me anyway, and here's why...

I am one of those rare females who still believes that men are supposed to be the leaders of their household. Yep, did you hear that? That was the sound of a thousand feminists fainting at the very thought. But it's true! Just like the trinity is three in one, and each part has it's own purpose, so goes with marriage. I believe that it's possible for husband and wife to be a team, working together, while still having their own individual parts to play as outlined in scripture.

In our current generation, I know it seems like finding other men and women who want to follow this model is impossible. But we're out there. We exist, I promise. And, just like you, we're praying for a beautiful, God-honoring love story like that of Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 2:1-4:17), Moses and Zipporah (Exodus 2:15-22), Mary and Joseph (Luke 1:26-56, 2:1-7, Matthew 1:18-2:23), and Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24:1-67). Be patient and don't give up hope.


3. Masculinity Is Not Toxic. Humanity Is.

Again, this is probably the opposite of what you're used to hearing. Our generation has done men a great disservice, and I'm not afraid to say so. I've seen the resulting frustration in my own household, as it leaves my brothers, who are the sweetest men alive, feeling downtrodden and stepped on. Women have presently decided to blame the entire male gender for the crimes of the few, and it sickens me for both sides. I ache for the women who were hurt so badly that they felt the need to take it out on everyone around them. And I ache for the men who are now harassed and yelled at for being chivalrous. Everything is backwards.

Call me crazy, but I am a woman who is overjoyed when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, and pays for dinner. Show me some of that classic gentlemanly charm, and I'm sold! I'm also a lady who greatly appreciates men leading the relationship. I will fall head over heals for a man who pursues my heart with prayer and planning. The majority of my female friends agree! Boys who confuse and play games might be alright for some. But the right woman will appreciate your intentionality.

We live in a fallen world, which means those who seek God's direction are going to be constantly tried and tested. But take heart. You're not alone.


4. Mental Illness Isn't A "Female Problem"

This is a societal belief that hides in the shadows and goes unspoken. It goes hand in hand with the assumption that men can't or shouldn't be emotional, and this point aggravates me more than all the others.

I work in youth ministry, and if I had a dime for every teenage boy who shared their mental health struggles with our leadership team - expressing that they've never been able to share this information with their friends or family members before - I would have a lot of dimes. What's even worse is when they DO share these struggles with their friends and family members, but are told to "push through it," "man up," "don't give in to weakness," and "stop being dramatic." I'm sorry, but neglecting another person's emotions, especially with dangerous struggles like self-harm and suicidal thoughts, is unacceptable. If someone in your life has treated you this way, I want to offer my sincerest, deepest apologies on their behalf. Mental illnesses, just like emotions, are not gender exclusive.

You're not broken. You're not "less Christian" because you struggle with anxiety, depression, anorexia (because boys can have eating disorders too), etc... You're not weak. In fact, you're stronger than most because you have more to fight through everyday. You're not less of a man for dealing with this. It's okay to need space to breathe. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to get frustrated. Just don't stay there. If I've learned anything from my years in ministry it's that, first, everyone has problems, and second, people are going to find a way to judge and demean you no matter what that problem is. Don't let them. Work towards seeking help. Talk to a therapist or your pastor or both (both is good). Surround yourself with healthy people who will aid the problem instead of make it worse. Accept that the issue exists, and then don't let it win.

My favorite quote recently is by Eleanor Roosevelt, and it says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You don't have to let them hurt you. That's up to you. You're a man of God either way, and you have a choice, so choose wisely.


5. You Are Loved Abundantly

The most crucial point of all... You are loved abundantly by the perfect Creator who made you. When he put you on this earth, he designed you exactly as intended, not a hair or cell misplaced. It doesn't feel like it all the time, I know. You look in the mirror or lay awake at night, and you hate yourself sometimes. You might even wish you were someone else.

Don't.

Because while your time is devoted to self-loathing, there's a very big God who's thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand (Psalm 139). He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), he will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41:10), and if God is for you, who can be against you (Romans 8:31)?

There is more power, grace, and compassion on your side than you realize. Dwell in it and soak it in. Allow it to fill you up.


There's probably a lot more I could write, but these are the main points I wanted to send your way. I hope you found them encouraging! Don't let the world define who you are. That's God's job, and he does it perfectly! God bless!

Your sister in Christ,

- Aly

Dear Hindsight: A Love Story Playlist

Dearest Hindsight,

They say you're 20/20, and they would be right. The walls of my mind and the pages of my journals stand as proof of the predicament that fact has left me in. There's this place in my chest where a beating, living, loving thing should be. I've searched it out, and what I used to find instead was scar tissue. Then I started removing the bandages. I allowed myself to feel pain, to feel scabs, to feel the itch that indicates healing. And now here I am. So, this one's for you.

Now, you're not all bad. You've been a blessing in disguise. A mistake made is a lesson learned, and a lesson learned is a mistake not repeated. Because of you, I have been saved many repeated mistakes, and so I owe you my gratitude. I've grown, I've found myself, and I've learned to look at you without aching. So, this one's for you.

And you're not just one person. No. You're every relationship that has made a grand entrance before making a bold exit. You're the times I was heartbroken, and the times I was the source of heartbreak. You're the rear-view mirror that keeps me moving forward, while continuously glancing back to ensure the monsters stay behind and never return, both yours and my own.

Consider this an honest tribute. To those I loved and left behind, in no particular order...

1. Story Of Us by Taylor Swift

To you, the one I fell for too hard and too fast. We started as friends, and never talked about how we truly felt, which left us in an awkward, unhealthy in-between. I liked you for a very long time, and you took the longest to get over. But I blame myself for a lot of how that went. I was young, and needy, and friendless, and it overwhelmed you. There was also a lot of outside pressure for us to be more than friends. After a while we stopped talking, and I didn't know why. You're also the first of two guys I've ever told "I love you," which, I'm pretty sure, is what scared you off. We didn't end on a good note, and we're not friends anymore. Unfortunately, I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, which was not great. You'll never see this, but I'm sorry.

2. Just Friends by the Jonas Brothers

To you, the guy who was my best friend for three years. You patiently listened to me complain about other guys, and I listened to you complain about other girls. We encouraged and advised each other. You once jumped into a snow bank just to cheer me up on a bad day. Then we grew, and wondered if we could possibly work as a couple. You were the first guy to purposefully tell me you liked me. It was snowing, and we almost slipped on some ice on the walk back. We went on one date. Then reality hit, and we realized our lives were about to head in very different directions. We ended things with a positive outlook, offering encouragement to one another. We don't talk anymore, and we live totally different lives, but we're both doing what we love.

3. Stomping The Roses by David Archuleta

To you, the guy who played the part almost perfectly. We started out well, going on adventures and talking about books. I genuinely enjoyed your company. But you were a better actor than I gave you credit for, and I'm still trying to figure out what was authentic. I cared about you, I was real and honest with you, and I still pray for you. You're caught in a cycle of emotional denial and insecurity that is going to lead harmful places someday. The most concerning part of that is you've convinced yourself that you're okay. But by not giving yourself time to heal from the hurt in your past, you're only damaging those around you. And maybe you don't even know you're doing it, but the result is emotional manipulation. I know I could have handled our relationship better as well. The brokenness in our relationship was a team effort. But when you walked away, I felt stronger on my own. And that was all the indicator I needed that ending things was the best gift you gave me. I sincerely hope you figure things out so that you and your future relationships can thrive. I mean that.

4. Giving Your Heart Away by Jessa Anderson

To you, the one who wasn't ready for a relationship. The first guy I ever gave the breakup speech to. The one I knew wasn't right for me, but convinced myself to date anyway, because for once I wanted to believe a guy really cared about me. Our relationship started on accident, due to a typo in a text message, which should have been an indicator right away that it wasn't a great idea. We were both lonely and broken, and we both used each other as an emotional crutch, while convincing ourselves it was more. I felt bad about dragging the relationship on for as long as I did, since I knew pretty early on that we wouldn't last long term. But hearts are funny things, and I didn't know whether I could trust mine. Because of that, you ended up brokenhearted, and I'm sorry.

5. Wait It Out by Jamie Grace

To you, the boys I barely dated, or only went on one date with, who hadn't figured out that women of God like men who approach them with intention. If you ever want to make it anywhere with women (or I guess I should say with women worth pursuing), there are some things you need to stop doing. For example, here are a few of the winning sentences that these boys have tried on me... Good grief...

"I have a lot of stuff and a house, and I figured it's time to find someone to share it with. So that's why I'm dating." (Wow...so romantic *gags*)

"We should hang out again sometime." (Was this a date? Are we just friends? What the heck is going on? You literally didn't explain anything.)

Him: "I really like you."
Me: "I like you too. So, what now?"
Him: "I don't know. What do you think?"
Me: *cue disappointed explosion noises in brain*
(Please, on behalf of all girls everywhere, make an intentional plan before starting this conversation)

6. More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

Finally, to You...

To You, the creator and lover of my soul. The One source of steady reassurance and encouragement in my life. The One who's been there through it all. You help me pick up the pieces each time my heart is on the floor. You keep my hope alive, and give me the strength to keep trusting. You prove Your love to me over and over. In all the chaos and confusion, in all my doubts and anxiety, in every moment, the only person I want to be, the only title I want to have is... "Yours."

Being fully known and fully loved by You is the greatest gift I will ever receive. You're so unbelievably good to me. You know exactly what (and possibly who) my future holds. It's all in Your hands.

My prayers for that "who" have not changed, by the way... The prayers I write about here, and in my journals, and in letters. Whoever he is, he is drenched in prayer.

I know he won't be perfect. Neither will I. But we'll struggle together, and work at struggling well. We'll encourage each other towards You, or we'll do our best anyway. He probably won't be anything like I expect, but he'll make me incredibly thankful that it didn't work out with anyone else. We'll make each other laugh, make each other cry, and annoy the heck out of each other in the best ways.


They say that Hindsight is 20/20, and they're right. But even though what's behind me may seem dark and painful, it's nothing in comparison to the light ahead, because the light ahead is You, and You know what's in store for me. Your plans are always good. You are my yesterday. You are my today. And You are my abundance of tomorrows.

I trust You, Abba.



Sincerely "Yours,"

Aly

That's What I'm Looking For...

Lately I've been wrestling with a question.

Well, not just lately. I've been struggling with this question for a long time now. It's just recently, after writing a play about a love story and then walking through a breakup shortly after, that I've actually had the time to really ponder this conundrum all over again. That question is this...

What is love?

I know the typical answer, from a Christian perspective, is that "God is love." That's true, and I treasure that truth in my heart. But at the moment I'm talking about romantic love. I've been turning it over and over in my mind, and I just keep coming up short. I've even interviewed people I know on the subject, asking questions about how they and their significant other met and when they "knew" this was the person they'd spend the rest of their life with.

Was it a bolt of lightning or writing on the wall? Was it some magical fuzzy feeling, or something they said? Was it a particular list of things they had in common?

The evidence I've found has been...inconclusive at best. Everyone's story is different. All lovely, all perfectly orchestrated by God in his perfect timing. But all different.

Today, when I was asking God more questions, he placed my favorite book series on my heart. I haven't touched its pages in months, which is unusual for me. Over the years it seems I've constantly gone back to that one series to find deeper wisdom, and allowed God to speak to my heart from it.

That series is Dragons in our Midst by Bryan Davis.

Today God brought to mind two specific quotes from that series. Quotes that I used to have memorized, and yet now had almost totally forgotten. Apparently, I needed a refresher.

Boy, did I ever.

The first quote is from Tears of a Dragon (Dragons in our Midst, Book 4, pages 103,105)

When it comes to being a godly wife someday, this quote always convicts me, because these are points that involve patience, and I am not good at that. But I'm growing, and I have a feeling I'll keep coming back to this passage as I do.

And not only does this apply to being a godly wife, but as a sister, a daughter, and a friend, too.

    Bonnie glanced around at all the quiet activity. "Isn't anyone going with Walter?" she asked. "He looked really upset."
    Marilyn spread one arm around Ashley and one around Bonnie. "There's something I've learned about men. They're indispensable. Well, not all men, I suppose, but at least the good ones. In one way, they're fiercely independent, holding their own beliefs and passionately following visions that no one else can see. They need time alone to gather their thoughts, seek God's counsel, and get reenergized. But, when they get back together, they lay aside their differences and forge an unbreakable unit, like a single sword that rips through their enemies with furious rage."
    Ashley pulled away from Marilyn's embrace. "I think I understand what they're feeling. I'd like to be alone for a while, too." She strolled toward the trees, waving behind her. "I'll be back."
    Marilyn kept her arm around Bonnie. "Looks like it's you and me, kid."

(Skipping down a little bit to where the conversation picks up again)

    (Marilyn) wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them closer. "Trials change a man, you know. They make a godly man stronger, wiser, a better leader, and, believe it or not, more humble."
    Marilyn nodded toward Billy. He was shining the pendant's light on a page of Fama Regis, carefully studying the glowing letters. The light flashed back into his face, trimming his skin in scarlet and brushing his hair with reddish highlights. Bonnie smiled. Billy looked more like his father than ever before.
    "Whatever you do, Bonnie, give him room to be a leader. Give him time to fill out his masculine frame, always supporting him with love and encouragement. If he drags himself home from a defeat on the battlefield, impatient nagging will just cut his legs from under him, but an encouraging word will puff his chest out and make him charge back into battle. He needs a woman to inject him with power and purpose, because a good man draws his sword for only one reason, to protect his wife and children."
    Another tingle raced across Bonnie's skin, and her heart thumped. Her soul drank in the words as Marilyn continued.
"The mind-numbing complaints of a shrieking shrew will pour acid in his cuts and squeeze dry his masculine energy. But the tender hands of a loving wife will salve his wounds and open the floodgates to power from above."

This conversation totally put things in perspective for me. And it opened my eyes to the fact that I handled so many things incorrectly in my past relationships. I love how beautifully this is worded, and I ache to be this kind of person so desperately. To be the kind of woman who lifts up the men in her life, and infuses them with the strength and energy to charge onto the spiritual battle field.

The other thing I've learned about love from this series, though, is that being a godly wife first requires the commitment of a godly man. That's where the next passage comes in. Without a doubt, this is my favorite conversation in any book I've ever read, and the pages of this chapter are worn to prove it. These words always bring a smile to my face and light a flame within me, spurring me on to wait for a man who will see me this way.

This passage is from The Bones of Makaidos (Oracles of Fire, Book 4, pages 483-485)

    Clearing his throat and hoping to keep his voice steady, he said, "So does that mean you don't want to marry me?" He cringed. Was that too bold?
    (Bonnie's) face displayed half amusement and half anguish. "No, no. That's not it at all. I just want to know that I don't have to marry you. I want us both to be sure that we want to. If you love me, I want you to pursue my heart with your courage, your kindness, and your godly manner. And I want to freely give my heart to you in love, not by compulsion because of a prophecy that seems to chain us together without a choice."
    As she continued, tears streamed down both cheeks. "Ever since Someone labeled me as the prophetic virgin bride, I was okay with it, because you're such a great guy, but it felt like an arranged marriage. We didn't have any choice. Then, when I heard that the prophesy might not be for us, I felt free. I didn't have to marry you if I didn't want to."
    She caressed his cheek, her voice shaking. "But that's a good thing, Billy. If we really do get married, neither one of us will ever wonder about being bound by someone else's words, a predestined edict that denies our free will and forces us to obey its irresistible decree. Instead we can come together by a choice to love that is free and resistible, because if we aren't able to choose to walk away from each other, then our coming together wouldn't be because of love at all, would it?"
    As she drew back her hand, a torrent of conflicting emotions flooded his mind. She was so right. Being bound like that wouldn't be love. Freedom to choose a life partner was the basis of love in the first place. Being dragged by fiat into a relationship would be nothing more than bondage. Still, not knowing for sure that he would forever be with this amazing girl nearly tore him apart. Finally, he squeezed out a reply. "I...I think you're right. But it's scary. It was kind of..." He paused. The words had to be just right. "It was comfortable, I guess, knowing that you would be in my future. I didn't have to guess what was going to happen."
    Her fists clenched in her lap. "But I don't want you to be comfortable. I want you to win my heart. I want you to fight for me, sweat for me, bleed for me. I want you to know that you had to pay a valuable price for me, and that I am a treasure in your mind, not a trophy that was handed to you because of a divine proclamation."
    Billy looked into her fiery eyes. She had been bold, confident, and true. Again, she was right, and he couldn't say a word.
    She laid her palms on her chest, covering the sunburst on her uniform. Then, slowly, ever so slowly, she extended her arms, her palms up. "Here is my heart, Billy. It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive."
    He glanced between her palms and her pleading eyes. "How much will it cost me?"
    With a quivering smile, she wept through her words. "Everything. It will cost you your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part." Sniffing back a sob, she added, "But don't answer now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend."
    Billy cupped his hand over her palms, making a covering for her "heart." Firming his jaw, he pushed every ounce of energy he had into his voice, giving it strength, yet a sense of calmness, like a lighthouse in the midst of a storm. "Watch me, Bonnie. We have battles ahead. We have enemies to conquer. And we have women and children to protect from some of the greatest evils imaginable. But I will not neglect this mission. I will show you how much you mean to me, how precious your heart is to mine. And when you see how much I'm willing to pay, then you can decide if it's enough to buy what is priceless."

The very idea of a man ever loving me this much is unfathomable to me. Honestly, I could type up this entire series scene by scene for examples of beautiful godly relationships. I've been reading about these characters since the 5th grade, and I've gotta tell you, even though the men in these books are far from perfect, they set the standard at an early age.

I don't want to settle.

Not when it comes to being a godly woman. Not when it comes to finding a godly man. And definitely not when it comes to building a godly marriage.

I have this list. It's the typical "I Need A Guy Who..." list that every girl makes when waiting for her husband to come along. Mine has well over fifty points to it so far. But God convicted me about that a few months ago.

"You only need one," he said. "Let me give it to you."

So, I opened my heart, and he did. That one standard is this...

"Can I serve God better with this man by my side than I can without?"

This hit me so hard. Especially when I realized that, so far, for every guy I've ever dated, the answer was no. Every single one.

Honestly, though, it's not their fault. The realm of ministry I'm in is so, so hard. It's the type of ministry that you can't really get away from when you go home. I'm painstakingly aware that the guy God sends my way is going to have to be prepared for so many things, and he's going to have to put up with having a crazy theatre ministry director as a wife. I get it, that is not normal. He's going to have to be very special and unique, and I'm counting on it. I won't settle for anything less.

So...if my future guy happens to be reading this...

Here's my heart.

It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive. It will cost you everything. Your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part. But don't answer me now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend.

The Truth About Singleness

I found the first chunk of this post in my drafts.  Apparently I wrote this about two months ago, and I thought it could be relatable, so I finished it and decided to finally release it.  These are some of my thoughts on how our generation treats singles.  Hopefully the confusion displayed in this writing isn't something I'm experiencing alone.  I would love to hear your thoughts on it once you finish reading. 

***

There's just something about a Friday night... The weekend is right around the corner.  Everyone is excited to have free time.  People are making plans.  Some girl somewhere is sprucing up for a date, and her beau is somewhere else doing the same thing. 

I'm at home.  I got home from work, and put on some sweats with comfy socks (in Ravenclaw colors, of course).  I threw my hair up in a messy bun, that actually turned out beautifully for once.  And now I'm blogging.

I'll admit...life gets a little lonely sometimes.

Now, I don't feel like this all the time.  Most days I truly love where I'm at.  I get to do what I'm passionate about, leading theatre productions and helping teens discover just how fearfully and wonderfully made they really are.  It's a breathtakingly beautiful adventure to be a part of, and I can't imagine doing anything else!  I'm not in college, so I have time to write, which I adore doing.  And I'm so blessed to have a job that I can get excited about, where coffee is always welcome, and with people who feel more like family everyday. 

Truly, from every angle, I have a lovely, lovely life.

But...every once in awhile...a little stream of doubt creeps into my heart.

You know how it is.  You hit a certain age and suddenly all your friends are either dating or engaged.  It especially hits when these people are younger than you. 

I know, I know, I should be happy for them.  And I am!  I always get excited when news like that arrives, really!  But, if I'm honest, at the same time I can feel satan moving quickly to use their joy against me.

Lately I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts.  I've been told that's normal in my stage of life.  But, somehow, I feel like my situation is a little different.  I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are single for a while and start to wonder "is there anyone in God's plan for me, or am I meant to be single forever?"  To be totally truthful, I ask myself that question a lot.

However, for me there are more questions to add on to that...

"Is there anyone who will see me as a girl with standards, and not a girl who's totally stuck up?"

"If a female is in a ministry leadership position, is it even a good idea for her to get married?"

"Am I crazy for hoping that someday I'll meet a guy who shares my morals and passions, who will mesh well with me personality wise, and will also be willing to take on a theatre troupe of 40+ teens and preteens?"

That last one though...  This is my dilemma. 

Honestly, not even talking on a marriage level here.  Even just dating me.  What kind of guy would agree to that deal?  He would not only have to put up with me and all my baggage, but he would have to win over my non-biological family that I spend practically all my time with.  Not "win them over" for approval reasons, but because any guy I date is going to automatically be in a position of speculation. 

I guess, looking at it in a different light, that's a huge blessing.  Knowing a large group of young people are looking to me to set a healthy example for them has probably kept me from getting into quite a few stupid relationships.  Wow. 

Now that I truly think about that, I should really thank them.

But at the same time, all these questions seem to swirl faster and faster in my mind with each passing day. I know what I'm looking for. I want a ministry partner, not just a husband, and I've come to realize just how tall of an order that really is.

I mean... I'm not putting God in a box by any means. I continue to pray that, if this particular guy is out there, the Holy Spirit would be preparing his heart for this journey even now. I just wish I knew whether I'm meant to be in a time of waiting... Or a time of accepting that maybe I'm just supposed to live single. There's nothing wrong with either option. God has different plans for everyone, and every one of them is good.

But wouldn't knowing make it easier? I wouldn't have to wonder if, maybe, I'm just waiting around for someone who's never going to come.  If we could just find out whether or not God wants something for us, we would be saved so much time! Not as many lessons in that, I suppose.... but still.

Obviously, I'm not God. I don't know what He has planned for me. But some days I really wish I did...

I guess this all boils down to my greatest weakness... Patience.

I don't like waiting.  The longer I wait, the more I worry.  The more I worry, the more likely it is that I'll sign up for extra projects just to distract myself .  The more projects I take on, the more stressed I get.  It's a cruel, cruel cycle.  And then there's the doubt again.

You know what I'm talking about.  That sinking feeling you get when you've listened to advice from too many people.

"Put yourself out there more.  Don't be so picky that you make it impossible for anyone to ask you out."

"But don't settle either.  You deserve the best of the best, and anything else would be settling."

"Don't expect perfection, because perfection doesn't exist.  We're all human, and you have faults too, so give a little grace."

"Don't accept too many flaws, though.  You don't want to chance ending up with someone who's less than God's best for you."

Does anyone else see how that could be confusing?  And it's not like I hear these things every once in a while.  It's constant.  However, what they don't tell me is where do I draw the line?  What qualifies as good enough without being perfect?  What is the acceptable amount of flaws when it comes to God's best?  Is there an exact science?  A precise ratio where 3 parts perfect and 1 part imperfect magically creates husband material, universally acceptable to society?

The amount of opinions people think they're welcome to give when you're a young, single person tend to escalate the longer you're not in a relationship, and it damages your soul very quickly.  Whether you want it to or not, it already bothers you.  Any public discussion on the matter just turns dreams for a future time into a pit of desperate searching.  It causes you to rush into hasty decisions and relationships you wouldn't have made otherwise, just to get people to stop treating you like "that poor lonely single."

I mean, I googled the word "single", and the first results to pop up were ads for dating sites, like it's a problem to be fixed.  If that doesn't tell you how our world views relationships, I don't know what will. 

All I know is that there is NOTHING wrong with us!  Singleness is not a disease.  It's not a horrifying problem to be solved.  It just means that God knows you can work better as a unit on your own right now.  Maybe someday you'll reach a point where working as a unit with someone else will make more sense.  If that happens, great!  But a relationship should be nothing more than the union of two people who feel they can serve God more effectively together than they can separately.  That's the difference.  It's love with a purpose, not love just for the sake of avoiding judgment and loneliness.  True love should run toward something, not away from something else.

The bottom line is, no matter what the world has to say, I'm just where God wants me right now.  If he wants to change that, he will send me the right guy, at the right time, with the right amount of flaws and perfections to perfectly complement my own.  Someone who will crave a life of ministry, and desire to free this generation in Jesus' name as much as I do.  No outside help needed.  Someone who will pursue my heart with intention, instead of waiting for me to make the first move.  Someone I won't have to lead for once, but who will also appreciate the sense of leadership that God has placed inside me.

Maybe I've met him, maybe I haven't.  Maybe he lives here, maybe somewhere else.  Maybe he doesn't exist, and I'm meant to live like Sherlock, "married to my work."  Whatever ends up happening, I'll be fine.  God has a plan, and that plan is good, with or without a spouse attached.  With or without the approval of those around me.

The point is, if love, in the romantic sense of the word, is something God wants for me, I'll know it when it happens.

As written by L.M. Montgomery...

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."

My Prayer For Him...

Hello, ladies and gents!

I am totally blown away!  Usually my posts get, on average, about 50-80 views.  Sometimes as low as 30.  You know that last post about the Nice Guys?  276...  You heard me.

TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX.

Guys, that's insane!  Not only that, but my blog has had consistent views every single day, which has never happened before.  Thank you all so much for actually taking an interest in the random ramblings that go through my mind!  I never actually thought that people would read my stuff, but I guess that's how I know God's the one giving me words.  He's so good!

And, since that post obviously hit home with quite a few people, it actually gave me some inspiration. On that note, I'll get to the point of this post so I can explain :)

So, lately I've been writing song lyrics.  I've always liked music, and I have songs going through my head on the daily.  But I've never really written songs before.  Suddenly, over the past few months, I have new songs pop into my head constantly.

It's never a full song.  More like bits and pieces of different lyrics that could possibly fit together.  But still.  I usually jot them down in my journal and, if I have time, sing the tune into the audio recorder on my iPod.

Well, as fate would have it, around a few weeks ago I came to a realization.  I wanted a better way to remember to pray for my future husband, because I had been feeling like I wasn't praying for him enough and didn't know how to change that.  Every time I sat down to pray the words just wouldn't come.  There was so much to cover, and so many other things on my mind.  Usually when this happens I try to find a song with similar lyrics to what I'm trying to pray for, and then I sing.  Adding music helps me concentrate, and I feel more in the moment with God.  That's when my search began, to find a song that I could sing to pray for my hubby.

The only problem was, as many Christian songs as there are about waiting for marriage and "what she wants in a Godly man", I couldn't find a single one that specifically prayed for the guy.  I was surprised to say the least.

So...in the course of two days, I wrote one for myself.

It's the first song I've ever finished all the way through, and I sing it almost every day now.  It constantly directs my heart to pray for that man that God is saving for me.  I'm not sure if I'll ever post a video of me singing this song, because I'm an introvert with anxiety and singing in front of a camera doesn't mix well with those things.  But for now I wanted to at least post the lyrics that God so clearly placed on my heart, just in case other girls needed a simple way to pray as well.  Ok, well, no more stalling...  This is "My Prayer For Him."

There's a name written on my heart

I'm not sure how many letters

Or even where it starts

But, God, there's something that I have to say

Whether I meet him next week

Or I know him today

You see, forever is a long time

And only You can make it right

That's why I wanted to pray

(Chorus)

I pray he stands up in the face of the lions

Trusting you won't let him 

Stand there alone

When the weight of the world's on his shoulders

I pray he rests in your strength

Instead of bearing it all on his own

I pray he never gives up

Gives in to love

And believe even when hope is dim

This is my prayer for him

He won't be perfect, I  know

We've all got heavy burdens

And pasts to let go

So, Lord, give me patience and grace

To love him like you

On the good and bad days

I just need to trust you

Set my heart on what's true

Even when life starts to rain

- Chorus -

This is my prayer for...

(Bridge)

His trials and his heartaches

When life is more than he can take

And when he's facing a closed door

Even when he's close to you

In joyfulness and solitude

Just let him know he's prayed for

- Chorus -

There's a name written on his heart

It's spelled just like mine

Though he has no clue where it starts

Loving me isn't quite so easy

That's why I've come to you

And I'm down on my knees

I'll just keep on serving you

Like I always strive to do

Until two become one out of three

And meanwhile, meanwhile

Maybe he's praying for me

Father, this is my prayer.  Keep his heart and mind filled with your presence.  Help him to fight for purity, live for truth, and stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.  I pray that his eyes see the good, and that when he finds darkness his first response would be to get on his knees and talk to you.  I pray for a warrior straight out of Ephesians, clothed in your armor, that he would not hesitate before charging into battle by my side.  Give him courage to face the demons, and the determination to overcome them.  Most of all, I pray that you would grow me and mold me into a woman that kind of man would want to pursue.  Help us to see you in each other, and to take every opportunity to give you glory in our triumphs and shortcomings.  All I desire is to love you more every day.  Teach me to love like you.

Amen.

 

A Single Declaration: My Purity Ring Hiatus

It's time to get real, ladies.  Time to get real on a subject that I'm not really sure I want to talk about, mostly because I'm afraid to.  It's a feeling that we all get now and then, but we let it breeze slowly by unacknowledged.  This is a subject, a feeling, that I didn't even realize I belonged to until this last week.  It's dangerous.  It's a change.  It's a conversation that goes against the status quo of my own life...

It's the spiritual battle going on behind Purity rings.

I have one.  I love that ring.  In fact, it's the second purity ring I've gone through, because I found one for myself when I was younger in a box of old jewelry, and then my parents bought me a new one later on.  I really value that ring, wearing it on my left ring finger like a crown, never taking it off for anything. 

On my right hand, I've almost always worn a Claddagh ring.  For those of you who don't know, this is a traditional Irish ring that has a lot of deep, positive meaning to it.  It symbolizes love, friendship, and loyalty.  And it also reveals your relationship status depending on how you wear it. 

These rings stand for something meaningful, beautiful, and near and dear to my heart.  They always will.  They both hold memories of life, love of my family, love of Christ.  I would never dream of letting them go.

But lately, just like with anything in life, my mind has been corrupting the symbolism of these two rings.

You know, Satan has a funny way of twisting just about everything.  He can take the most pure and beautiful things, and cause them to fade and rust.  He even tried (and failed) to tempt Jesus by using his crafty spinning thread that weaves lies together in the blink of an eye (Matthew 4:1-11).  One moment you're on top of the world.  In the next, once he gets ahold of you, you could be in the depths of despair.  It's all a matter of perspective.

And lately, my perspective has been way off.

The final, eye opening, 180 turn around happened a week ago on one particular morning.  But that was just the end of an ongoing climax, beginning with the stroke of midnight the night before...

Because that night, at midnight, I turned 20 years old.

Most people would have been celebrating at that point.  It's a whole new decade of life!  It means you've left the awkward teenage years behind for good!  You can finally be counted as an actual, non-youth affiliated adult! 

Or, at least, that's what my friends have told me.

I, on the other hand, was up way too late suffering from a ton of anxiety.  I stared at the rings on my hands, how they had been there for so long without much reason or purpose, and I began to wonder... "What's wrong with me?"  There were 20 years of life behind me.  20 years filled with laughter, and light, and being used to do so many crazy fun and exciting things in the name of Christ!  So why was it that I still felt so...empty?

As I looked at my rings, my purity ring began to look more like a ticking clock.  "You better find love fast, before you're left all alone" it said.  My Claddagh ring laughed in agreement, "I've been worn backwards on her finger in the 'single' position ever since she bought me."  Without even knowing it, I automatically felt that those voices were right.  I knew that Satan had planted them there.  I knew that without a doubt.  But the circumstances causing my pain managed to get me listening anyway. 

In a conversation with a friend this week she mentioned how looking at a purity ring was sometimes depressing because all we were really wishing was that there was an engagement ring on our finger instead.  Even though I had never really been bold enough to say so, I had definitely thought that before.  I just hadn't known that other girls could relate to that feeling, so I'd kept my mouth shut.

Now, several of my friends have started dating amazing people, and it's not so bad.  In fact, it's been fun and exciting to see them grow in these relationships!  I love talking to them about it and watching their faces get that "look".  It's my favorite look in the whole world.  That involuntary smile that ladies and gents get in their eyes when they talk about the one they love.  It's like they can't even stop themselves from grinning like crazy.  It's the best, and it makes my heart so joyful!  Plus, I get the chance to learn about the right (and sometimes wrong) ways to handle relationships just by talking to them, which is nice.

The hard part, however, is when a friend of the opposite gender that you really like, or used to like, begins dating someone without even giving you a second thought.  Yep, that has happened to me.  It's happened a few different times, actually. 

Ouch.

And at that moment, at midnight on my 20th birthday, I managed to convince myself that I was absolutely worthless.

I ended up staying awake until 1am just thinking about things I could change about myself.  Not physical things, but things of the heart.  Am I loving enough?  Am I giving enough?  Am I strong enough?  Am I doing enough?

Will I ever just be enough?

I know this whole thing sounds like one huge heap of melodrama, but I'm serious, these thoughts had me close to tears.  It took me forever just to get my mind back on track so I could sleep.  I prayed, I wrote, I listened to songs of love from my Savior, and after all of that I was finally pieced back together enough to fall asleep.  But not until God snapped me out of it by saying...

"Hey, you!  Yes, you with the worry lines in your forehead.  The one trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough.  Do you really want to throw away and completely trash how I lovingly designed you in my image, when you could actually spend your life based on the freedom to just be instead?"

I know, right?  It's like he read my previous blog post or something.  I guess I must struggle with being a hypocrite too, then, huh?

Even with that reassurance, though, I was still shaken.

It wasn't until the incredible message at church the next morning that my ridiculous behavior was truly pointed out to me.  The message was on giving thanks in every circumstance, but, good gosh, it spoke so much more than that.  I was totally moved when, as all my insecurities about being single, and forgotten, and unnoticed seemed to be drowning me, I heard this statement...

"We don't know love unless we first know that He loves us."

That alone made me want to burst into tears.  But then it was followed up by an even deeper statement of conviction...

"Every circumstance in your life has been so designed as to bring you to the full appreciation of his love for you."

Every circumstance?  Every broken heart?  Every sleepless night wondering if I measure up?  Every messed up friendship, all my shattered confidence, every guy I've loved who never looked my way...all for the sole purpose of realizing that...

...I am loved?

I've heard several times throughout my life that the One True God is a jealous god.  He doesn't just want to be one lover of my soul.  He wants to be THE ONLY lover of my soul.  Anyone in this world can love my heart.  Anyone can love my appearance.  But only God, the one who paid the ultimate price in order to protect what He held sacred, has what it takes to be the truly unconditional lover of my soul.

Knowing that, how could I have possibly been feeling unwanted?  It was insane.  Was I really that big-headed that I thought I could earn what he gave to me for free?  He knows everything I have done, and ever will do, and he still deemed me a daughter of the King.  Not begrudgingly either.  Oh no!  He didn't say "eh, this one's alright, I might as well just accept that she is who she is."  When God invited me into his cherished family, he said "Aly, my dear creation, you are my joy and my delight!  I have so much love for you, my dear child, and I desire for you to walk with me, even as I walk with you."

And that, my friends, is why I've decided that I will no longer be wearing my rings.  Not any time in the near future, anyway.  Are you having some trouble seeing where that connects?  Yeah, it's understandable.  I'll lay it out for you.

I was using those rings incorrectly in two major ways. 

First of all, my purity ring was a huge source of pride.  I was taking something that was supposed to be humbling, and making it into something that set me apart and made me "better" somehow.  I was beginning to look down on people who didn't wear a purity ring.  I might not have known I was doing it, but I was.  It was destructive, and I didn't realize just how destructive until that day.

Second, these rings were becoming a symbol of my own control over my life, and not God's.  That might not make sense to some of you, but I promise it does.  Both of those rings were supposed to be a sign that I was fully devoted to a beautiful love story with my Heavenly Father.  Instead, I was using them to say that "I'm not in a relationship or married yet, but I know I will be.  And when I do, I want to do it right."  The "doing it right" part isn't so bad.  But, seriously, where in the Bible has it ever said that every single girl will get married?  Where does it say that every guy will find a wife? 

Yeah, I couldn't find that anywhere either.  Check out this post from Tovares Grey:

So why am I wearing rings every day of my life as a symbol for something that maybe won't even happen at all?

Honestly, when did I start caring more about finding a spouse than I did about following God's plan for my life?  It's like I've been blindsided to a ball and chain inside myself that I hadn't even known was there.  And now I'm free. 

I removed my rings, and with that physical sign of surrender, God removed my burden.

Now, I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't wear your own purity ring.  Those rings are an amazing symbol of a promise that God made to us, and us to him.  It's a promise of love between us and our Savior, and it's good, and holy.  There's no reason to feel bad about wearing one. 

The only reason I removed my rings is because my own idea of them was beginning to negatively impact my personal relationship with God.  And by depriving myself of those rings, I'm hoping I'll be able to deprive myself of the toxic pride and control that I began.

Also, PLEASE don't think I'm going to just throw my purity away.  Marriage, dating, a pure and beautiful relationship, are all still a desire in my life.  Part of that 'keeping God first' promise is to remain sexually pure until that time when and if I get married someday.  I'm 20 years old, still first-kiss free, and I'm planning on remaining first-kiss free unless and until God sends me some husband material.  None of that has changed.

What's changed is how I'm going to live my life from here.  I'm going to chase after God with everything in me.  I wasn't able to do that before, and I didn't know why.  What I've realized now is that I had been holding myself back, planning for a future that might not even be mine.  Now I see my mistake.

The only future that is truly guaranteed is the future I have in Christ, and even though I haven't seen it yet, I already know it's better than any other future I could ask for.

What's holding you back from following God's true purpose for you? 

A Penny For Your Heart (Is Worth More Than You Think)

Last week my family discovered a brand new hobby.  We sat down in the living room, all of us holding some sort of internet device, and gathered whatever spare change we could find in our house.  There were pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters EVERYWHERE.  All six of us were surrounded by the hundreds of coins that were scattered around the floor, and we spent at least three hours examining them and looking up their rarity on our various devices.  It was a blast!  And we learned something really amazing too!

Did you know that everyday some of the coins that pass through our fingers might be worth tens, hundreds, or even thousands of dollars, and we don't even realize it?

For example, the 1969-S Double Die Penny, a penny where some of the coins made in that year were misprinted and have double lettering, is one of the rarest pennies in existence.  One of these special pennies can be sold to collectors for around $20,000 or more!

Who knew that something so small, so old, and with such a tiny daily value could be so important and rare?  And to think, all of that worth is simply because this penny was different and imperfect.  I don't know about you, but I would sure like to be seen as valuable despite all of my imperfections.  And the cool thing is, with each year the 1969-S Double Die Penny grows a little bit older, a little more rare, and therefore, gets even more valuable on the market.  Crazy, right?

Anyway, these are the things I was mulling over yesterday, when God made an odd connection in my head.

I suddenly thought, "What if the value of a heart was measured in the same way as the value of a rare coin?"

Honestly, think about it.  Imagine if the human heart was one of these pennies.  When we enter this world we are totally unique.  Unused, unbroken, full of life.  Our brand new hearts, totally enveloped in Christ, start out pretty valuable on their own.  We haven't known heartbreak, haven't given ourselves to anyone but God, and carry a beautiful innocence.  Then we hit the teenage years, and life throws us for a new loop: Hormones.  This is when things get particularly complicated.  But if our heart's value was decided like a penny, that complicated nature might not be the case anymore...

What if there were several factors attached to the heart that could increase or decrease its rarity?  For a penny, its good condition and appearance will raise or lower its worth depending on the year.  What's inside matters too, since some pennies have a purer metal content than others.

What if that was the same for us?  What if we started out with several gifts that God has given us to save and take care of?  Gifts of physical and emotional affection?  These are gifts such as thinking nonstop about a person we love, holding hands, a kiss, and any sort of sexual activity.  But, of course, there would be a catch...

What if each of these gifts had a value of their own, and each time we used them they became less rare, and therefore, less valuable to the person who's eventually going to receive them?

If this was true, would I still be so eager to give in to the butterflies caused by romantic hand holding?  Would refraining from a kiss still be a struggle?  Would sex and physicality still be normal in our culture, or would it be a treasured gift to be reserved for someone who knows its true value?

This idea caught me totally by surprise, and to be honest, it made me sad.  If doing these things really did bring down our value, then where would I stand on the market?  I've never kissed or beyond, but I have broken boundaries of affection that I knew I shouldn't have.  Boundaries that I set in the first place!  I've struggled with thinking about a guy more often than I think about God.  I've emotionally invested into a few different relationships that I knew weren't good for me.

So, if my heart's value was based on it's rarity, would it be the 1969-S Double Die, or just an average everyday penny?

To be totally honest, I didn't like my results.

Even if you haven't done anything more than just thinking impurely, everyone has made mistakes in this department.  So does that mean everyone has decreased value?  And what did this mean for those who have given everything away, or who have been enslaved to the sex trade and don't have a choice?  Surely, that couldn't mean that their value is totally spent, and that they aren't rare beauties anymore.  Why would God show me all of this if that were true?

As usual, God had a purpose for this thought process, and he wasn't finished with the penny analogy either.

Because, just like a rare penny, each year we commit to honoring God with our whole hearts, our value increases.  

You know what that means, right?

It means that, no matter how much you've given of yourself in the past, it's never too late to bounce back.  As soon as you give that past to God and begin a new journey of purity, your heart will instantly have its original value.  Then you can start rebuilding your reputation for rarity (and increase the value of your heart)!  It's as if none of the past lust, regret, and heartbreak had ever existed!  How fantastic is that?  My heart soared at the thought, and I was so gloriously blessed by the undying grace of the King.  I've tried my best not to make mistakes, but they still happen.

The difference this idea made for me is that I don't have to view myself, or anyone else for that matter, as a poor broken heart anymore.  Instead we are beloved!  Forgiven!  We are children of the King, and we've been washed clean!

But be warned... To some people you'll still be seen as nothing more than an old, used heart.  When that happens, just remember:

Even the rarest penny appears average to those who don't know what to look for.

The right person will value the change in you (no pun intended), will notice the signs of your rare heart, and will treasure you because of it.  And someday, when you say "I do" with that one you've saved your heart for, the rare nature of your relationship will be evident to everyone that witnesses it, and they'll wonder what's different.  You'll be able to celebrate pure, white as snow passion, and you'll celebrate it together.  What a beautiful depiction of mercy!

I don't know about you, but starting now I want to work toward my heart becoming as rare as it can be.  I'm talkin 1969-S Double Die rare!  It's going to take acceptance of my past, repentance in the present, and some work and resistance in the future.  But in the long run I believe it'll be worth it, especially if God introduces a fellow rare heart into my life that desires that same purity.

Well, I hope this random little thought process was helpful to someone today.  I'm a creative person by default, so having an illustration like this one really helped me understand things a little better.  I know it definitely gave me some proper perspective.  Have a blessed week!

P.S. My first book signing is this Saturday (August 8th, 2015) at the Hastings Way Caribou Coffee in Eau Claire!  Come by and see me from 1-3pm!  Thanks!

To Be Honest: Marriage or Ministry?

Note: As a general rule, please read this whole story, otherwise you might end up confused.  Me thanks you :)

One of my greatest struggles that I've been dealing with over the past few months might surprise you.  Until recently, I didn't actually think that I would ever ask this question.  But, sure enough, God did the unexpected and had me thinking through this question anyway.  What question?

Should I continue doing ministry, or should I get married?

I know, that sounds super weird, especially because I am very single right now, but that's why I'm writing about it.  Let me explain...

Ever since starting the teenage drama group, TAG, four years ago my life has been a roller coaster.  Aly's world is basically surrounded on all sides by ministry and the various jobs that are included in that, and let me tell you, it's a beautiful place to be.  I'm a counselor, drama teacher, writer, actor, director, sister, friend, and so much more.  And each of those jobs has a different set of responsibilities.

But the best part is: I love what I do, and I can see God's hand in everything.

I'm a very independent minded individual, which is extremely helpful considering my job description.  I rely on God and myself for everything, only going to others when I absolutely have to (which isn't necessarily always a good thing).  I love my life in ministry, and I've never seen anything wrong with it.

Until recently, when I read an article that penetrated my thoughts like an arrow to the brain.

The article was about how to know if you're being called to a life of singleness.  I don't know what it was that resulted in me clicking on that article, but I was curious, so I clicked on it.

I didn't think it would change anything... But it did.

One section of the article talked about considering being single if you're deeply involved in ministry.  The writer said that this situation is often a difficult one to raise a family in, and makes marriage even harder sometimes (depending on the level of ministry involvement).  As soon as I stopped to think about it, with all that's been going on in my life lately, it didn't take very long for me to confirm that this might not be the best environment to bring a family, or even a husband, into.

I'm a female, so I think about stuff a lot.  And since I've grown so much in the past year, my mind has just naturally started traveling to what my life would look like with a spouse and kids.  As soon as I finished that article and began really thinking about it, though, I kind of freaked out.  It took awhile to admit it to myself, but my current career goals could be really, really hard in a classic family situation.

Every week I act as a counselor for around 20 teenagers, which is an incredible blessing in my life, but can also be a little taxing.  It takes time, prayer, and a lot of energy to lead a large group of actors every week.  Because of this, any relationship I enter would not only have my ups and downs, but the ups and downs of these teenagers too.  Based on where I feel God is leading me, it's very possible that I could be traveling quite often in the future as well.  This is great for a single pringle, but not so great for a married couple with separate jobs.

This probably sounds ridiculously worrisome, but if I have a family, I want to get it right.

Don't get me wrong, I want a family more than anything.  I've been pinning homeschooling, marriage, and kid stuff on Pinterest for over a year now in anticipation for the day that I'll finally get to share adventures with a little family of my own.  But this year I've been having to ask myself, "Is my lifestyle one that could be healthy for a mom and wife to have?"  I've witnessed ministry families that barely see each other, and their kids end up being terribly neglected.  I don't want to end up being that parent.  I also don't want my family to end up having "those kids".  They deserve better.

It's not all bad though.  I've also witnessed married couples who do ministry work together, and are stronger for it.  There are husband and wife public speakers, filmmakers, musicians, actors, etc...  And they're better off because they work together.  In fact, some of the strongest marriages I've seen are those of couples who work together in their ministry to build on each other's skill sets.  It's like the ultimate dream team, and it's incredible to watch!  Most of these couples have kids as well, and bring their children to do ministry work with them.  In these situations, marriage, family, and ministry mesh together in such a beautiful way.  It's like a harmonizing trio of singers when they hit their notes just right.

So the only thing left for me to decide was which one does God want for me?

I guess I've always assumed that when you grow up, getting married and having kids is just part of the deal.  Until recently, I had never even stopped to consider that God could have a different plan for my life, or that God could possibly lead me to a place where having a family of my own would be a toxic situation.  These ideas and thoughts shook me in a way that I haven't experienced in awhile.  But I realize now why this long thought process definitely needed to happen.

I prayed.  I prayed a whole lot...  And God answered.  

For the first time, I was forced to consider whether or not I really desire marriage and a family, instead of just accepting it as the normal thing that happens to everyone.  Did I want to continue following my dream of being an author and a theatre director, or did I want to give that up to become a wife and a mom?  Was this a choice that even needed to be made?

I felt that it was, and I felt that this was something that God really wanted me to consider.

Then, a few days ago, God finally told me what I've been needing to hear.  As I was journaling about this problem, and the choice I felt I needed to make, God opened my eyes.  I realized that my desire for ministry and my desire for family held equal sway over my heart, and both are things that I feel strongly called to.  I didn't know how I could do both, but in that moment I didn't need to know.  God reminded me of all the couples I've seen who do ministry together, and at once I felt that ministry and family were meant to go hand in hand in my life.

I saw the flowers in all their many colors in my mom's garden, and the birds that flew around our yard, and how both were beautifully designed and created by God.  It reminded me that I'm beautifully designed and created too.  God has a glorious purpose for me, and in that moment I saw that I shouldn't be measuring my own strength against that purpose.  My desires for both a ministry and a family are there by design, not by chance, and I know that if I follow God's plan he will give me the strength to do both.

And if God created me to be an author, director, wife, and mother all at the same time, he will also give me the strength and wisdom to do so.

This realization had me feeling lighter than I have in a long time.  The best part about it is that I had the blessing of sharing these thoughts with a few of my girlfriends a day later, and found out that I'm not the only one who's been dealing with this issue.  Apparently a lot of girls feel the need to choose between a career and a family.  We all shared our own personal experiences with this idea, and delighted in the fact that we worship and serve a God who can help us do both!

So on the way home, I prayed again.  But this time, instead of praying for guidance, I prayed for my future husband and family.  I prayed that God would send me a man who's heart is like mine: 100% passionate about ministry, and 100% passionate about family.  I prayed that this man would be just as in love with the purpose and teenagers of TAG as I am, and prayed that, God willing, he would maybe even want to make this team of teenagers a part of his purpose as well.  I prayed that our family would be close, and that our kids would grow to love the Lord.  Most of all, I simply prayed that God would take control, and keep my feet pointed in the right direction.

And as I pulled in my driveway that night, the peace I felt was instant, and I couldn't help but smile.

Have you ever experienced worry over a choice like this one?  How did you decide what to do?  Is this a decision that you still struggle with today?  Let me know!