Dear Men of God... 5 Things You Should Know

Now, before you feel the need to defend yourselves, I promise the purpose of this post is NOT to condemn and/or judge you. In fact, it's quite the opposite. The purpose of this post is appreciation and encouragement. So, if that sounds like something you've been needing, stick around! I'm going to dive right into it, in the blogger-typical numbered fashion. Here we go...


1. You're You For A Reason

The era we live in has made it harder than ever for men to just be themselves. Specifically men interested in the arts. More times than not, a passion for music, dance, theatre, or other creative endeavors will get you a one way ticket to a multitude of questions, usually about your gender identity. This can even lead to bullying. I'm a theatre director, so I've operated in the arts long enough to see it take place first hand. I think this trend goes all the way back to a very unfortunate lie that states men can't be emotional.

Who started that anyway? Since when does sentiment and having feelings make you less of a man? As a female, I'm here to tell you something very important: Emotions are not gender exclusive. Let me repeat that... EMOTIONS ARE NOT GENDER EXCLUSIVE. Think of King David in the Bible. God made him a musician and an incredible poet, but he was also a military leader and a mighty warrior. He felt things deeply, and it only aided him as a king and commander, because it gave him empathy towards his people. Being an artist, or being in touch with your emotional side, does not make you weak. The opposite is true. So if God has given you a spirit of deep sensitivity and passion, revel in it. He made you that way for a purpose, and he's going to use that part of you for amazing things.

(Also, guys with an emotional side are typically the ones we ladies find very attractive. Just sayin'.)


2. Women Who Desire The Biblical Model Of Marriage Do Exist

This point goes out to the single pringles. I know, I know, I'm "so old school" and I need to "get with the times." That's what most women would say to me anyway, and here's why...

I am one of those rare females who still believes that men are supposed to be the leaders of their household. Yep, did you hear that? That was the sound of a thousand feminists fainting at the very thought. But it's true! Just like the trinity is three in one, and each part has it's own purpose, so goes with marriage. I believe that it's possible for husband and wife to be a team, working together, while still having their own individual parts to play as outlined in scripture.

In our current generation, I know it seems like finding other men and women who want to follow this model is impossible. But we're out there. We exist, I promise. And, just like you, we're praying for a beautiful, God-honoring love story like that of Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 2:1-4:17), Moses and Zipporah (Exodus 2:15-22), Mary and Joseph (Luke 1:26-56, 2:1-7, Matthew 1:18-2:23), and Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24:1-67). Be patient and don't give up hope.


3. Masculinity Is Not Toxic. Humanity Is.

Again, this is probably the opposite of what you're used to hearing. Our generation has done men a great disservice, and I'm not afraid to say so. I've seen the resulting frustration in my own household, as it leaves my brothers, who are the sweetest men alive, feeling downtrodden and stepped on. Women have presently decided to blame the entire male gender for the crimes of the few, and it sickens me for both sides. I ache for the women who were hurt so badly that they felt the need to take it out on everyone around them. And I ache for the men who are now harassed and yelled at for being chivalrous. Everything is backwards.

Call me crazy, but I am a woman who is overjoyed when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, and pays for dinner. Show me some of that classic gentlemanly charm, and I'm sold! I'm also a lady who greatly appreciates men leading the relationship. I will fall head over heals for a man who pursues my heart with prayer and planning. The majority of my female friends agree! Boys who confuse and play games might be alright for some. But the right woman will appreciate your intentionality.

We live in a fallen world, which means those who seek God's direction are going to be constantly tried and tested. But take heart. You're not alone.


4. Mental Illness Isn't A "Female Problem"

This is a societal belief that hides in the shadows and goes unspoken. It goes hand in hand with the assumption that men can't or shouldn't be emotional, and this point aggravates me more than all the others.

I work in youth ministry, and if I had a dime for every teenage boy who shared their mental health struggles with our leadership team - expressing that they've never been able to share this information with their friends or family members before - I would have a lot of dimes. What's even worse is when they DO share these struggles with their friends and family members, but are told to "push through it," "man up," "don't give in to weakness," and "stop being dramatic." I'm sorry, but neglecting another person's emotions, especially with dangerous struggles like self-harm and suicidal thoughts, is unacceptable. If someone in your life has treated you this way, I want to offer my sincerest, deepest apologies on their behalf. Mental illnesses, just like emotions, are not gender exclusive.

You're not broken. You're not "less Christian" because you struggle with anxiety, depression, anorexia (because boys can have eating disorders too), etc... You're not weak. In fact, you're stronger than most because you have more to fight through everyday. You're not less of a man for dealing with this. It's okay to need space to breathe. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to get frustrated. Just don't stay there. If I've learned anything from my years in ministry it's that, first, everyone has problems, and second, people are going to find a way to judge and demean you no matter what that problem is. Don't let them. Work towards seeking help. Talk to a therapist or your pastor or both (both is good). Surround yourself with healthy people who will aid the problem instead of make it worse. Accept that the issue exists, and then don't let it win.

My favorite quote recently is by Eleanor Roosevelt, and it says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You don't have to let them hurt you. That's up to you. You're a man of God either way, and you have a choice, so choose wisely.


5. You Are Loved Abundantly

The most crucial point of all... You are loved abundantly by the perfect Creator who made you. When he put you on this earth, he designed you exactly as intended, not a hair or cell misplaced. It doesn't feel like it all the time, I know. You look in the mirror or lay awake at night, and you hate yourself sometimes. You might even wish you were someone else.

Don't.

Because while your time is devoted to self-loathing, there's a very big God who's thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand (Psalm 139). He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), he will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41:10), and if God is for you, who can be against you (Romans 8:31)?

There is more power, grace, and compassion on your side than you realize. Dwell in it and soak it in. Allow it to fill you up.


There's probably a lot more I could write, but these are the main points I wanted to send your way. I hope you found them encouraging! Don't let the world define who you are. That's God's job, and he does it perfectly! God bless!

Your sister in Christ,

- Aly

Dear Hindsight: A Love Story Playlist

Dearest Hindsight,

They say you're 20/20, and they would be right. The walls of my mind and the pages of my journals stand as proof of the predicament that fact has left me in. There's this place in my chest where a beating, living, loving thing should be. I've searched it out, and what I used to find instead was scar tissue. Then I started removing the bandages. I allowed myself to feel pain, to feel scabs, to feel the itch that indicates healing. And now here I am. So, this one's for you.

Now, you're not all bad. You've been a blessing in disguise. A mistake made is a lesson learned, and a lesson learned is a mistake not repeated. Because of you, I have been saved many repeated mistakes, and so I owe you my gratitude. I've grown, I've found myself, and I've learned to look at you without aching. So, this one's for you.

And you're not just one person. No. You're every relationship that has made a grand entrance before making a bold exit. You're the times I was heartbroken, and the times I was the source of heartbreak. You're the rear-view mirror that keeps me moving forward, while continuously glancing back to ensure the monsters stay behind and never return, both yours and my own.

Consider this an honest tribute. To those I loved and left behind, in no particular order...

1. Story Of Us by Taylor Swift

To you, the one I fell for too hard and too fast. We started as friends, and never talked about how we truly felt, which left us in an awkward, unhealthy in-between. I liked you for a very long time, and you took the longest to get over. But I blame myself for a lot of how that went. I was young, and needy, and friendless, and it overwhelmed you. There was also a lot of outside pressure for us to be more than friends. After a while we stopped talking, and I didn't know why. You're also the first of two guys I've ever told "I love you," which, I'm pretty sure, is what scared you off. We didn't end on a good note, and we're not friends anymore. Unfortunately, I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, which was not great. You'll never see this, but I'm sorry.

2. Just Friends by the Jonas Brothers

To you, the guy who was my best friend for three years. You patiently listened to me complain about other guys, and I listened to you complain about other girls. We encouraged and advised each other. You once jumped into a snow bank just to cheer me up on a bad day. Then we grew, and wondered if we could possibly work as a couple. You were the first guy to purposefully tell me you liked me. It was snowing, and we almost slipped on some ice on the walk back. We went on one date. Then reality hit, and we realized our lives were about to head in very different directions. We ended things with a positive outlook, offering encouragement to one another. We don't talk anymore, and we live totally different lives, but we're both doing what we love.

3. Stomping The Roses by David Archuleta

To you, the guy who played the part almost perfectly. We started out well, going on adventures and talking about books. I genuinely enjoyed your company. But you were a better actor than I gave you credit for, and I'm still trying to figure out what was authentic. I cared about you, I was real and honest with you, and I still pray for you. You're caught in a cycle of emotional denial and insecurity that is going to lead harmful places someday. The most concerning part of that is you've convinced yourself that you're okay. But by not giving yourself time to heal from the hurt in your past, you're only damaging those around you. And maybe you don't even know you're doing it, but the result is emotional manipulation. I know I could have handled our relationship better as well. The brokenness in our relationship was a team effort. But when you walked away, I felt stronger on my own. And that was all the indicator I needed that ending things was the best gift you gave me. I sincerely hope you figure things out so that you and your future relationships can thrive. I mean that.

4. Giving Your Heart Away by Jessa Anderson

To you, the one who wasn't ready for a relationship. The first guy I ever gave the breakup speech to. The one I knew wasn't right for me, but convinced myself to date anyway, because for once I wanted to believe a guy really cared about me. Our relationship started on accident, due to a typo in a text message, which should have been an indicator right away that it wasn't a great idea. We were both lonely and broken, and we both used each other as an emotional crutch, while convincing ourselves it was more. I felt bad about dragging the relationship on for as long as I did, since I knew pretty early on that we wouldn't last long term. But hearts are funny things, and I didn't know whether I could trust mine. Because of that, you ended up brokenhearted, and I'm sorry.

5. Wait It Out by Jamie Grace

To you, the boys I barely dated, or only went on one date with, who hadn't figured out that women of God like men who approach them with intention. If you ever want to make it anywhere with women (or I guess I should say with women worth pursuing), there are some things you need to stop doing. For example, here are a few of the winning sentences that these boys have tried on me... Good grief...

"I have a lot of stuff and a house, and I figured it's time to find someone to share it with. So that's why I'm dating." (Wow...so romantic *gags*)

"We should hang out again sometime." (Was this a date? Are we just friends? What the heck is going on? You literally didn't explain anything.)

Him: "I really like you."
Me: "I like you too. So, what now?"
Him: "I don't know. What do you think?"
Me: *cue disappointed explosion noises in brain*
(Please, on behalf of all girls everywhere, make an intentional plan before starting this conversation)

6. More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

Finally, to You...

To You, the creator and lover of my soul. The One source of steady reassurance and encouragement in my life. The One who's been there through it all. You help me pick up the pieces each time my heart is on the floor. You keep my hope alive, and give me the strength to keep trusting. You prove Your love to me over and over. In all the chaos and confusion, in all my doubts and anxiety, in every moment, the only person I want to be, the only title I want to have is... "Yours."

Being fully known and fully loved by You is the greatest gift I will ever receive. You're so unbelievably good to me. You know exactly what (and possibly who) my future holds. It's all in Your hands.

My prayers for that "who" have not changed, by the way... The prayers I write about here, and in my journals, and in letters. Whoever he is, he is drenched in prayer.

I know he won't be perfect. Neither will I. But we'll struggle together, and work at struggling well. We'll encourage each other towards You, or we'll do our best anyway. He probably won't be anything like I expect, but he'll make me incredibly thankful that it didn't work out with anyone else. We'll make each other laugh, make each other cry, and annoy the heck out of each other in the best ways.


They say that Hindsight is 20/20, and they're right. But even though what's behind me may seem dark and painful, it's nothing in comparison to the light ahead, because the light ahead is You, and You know what's in store for me. Your plans are always good. You are my yesterday. You are my today. And You are my abundance of tomorrows.

I trust You, Abba.



Sincerely "Yours,"

Aly

That's What I'm Looking For...

Lately I've been wrestling with a question.

Well, not just lately. I've been struggling with this question for a long time now. It's just recently, after writing a play about a love story and then walking through a breakup shortly after, that I've actually had the time to really ponder this conundrum all over again. That question is this...

What is love?

I know the typical answer, from a Christian perspective, is that "God is love." That's true, and I treasure that truth in my heart. But at the moment I'm talking about romantic love. I've been turning it over and over in my mind, and I just keep coming up short. I've even interviewed people I know on the subject, asking questions about how they and their significant other met and when they "knew" this was the person they'd spend the rest of their life with.

Was it a bolt of lightning or writing on the wall? Was it some magical fuzzy feeling, or something they said? Was it a particular list of things they had in common?

The evidence I've found has been...inconclusive at best. Everyone's story is different. All lovely, all perfectly orchestrated by God in his perfect timing. But all different.

Today, when I was asking God more questions, he placed my favorite book series on my heart. I haven't touched its pages in months, which is unusual for me. Over the years it seems I've constantly gone back to that one series to find deeper wisdom, and allowed God to speak to my heart from it.

That series is Dragons in our Midst by Bryan Davis.

Today God brought to mind two specific quotes from that series. Quotes that I used to have memorized, and yet now had almost totally forgotten. Apparently, I needed a refresher.

Boy, did I ever.

The first quote is from Tears of a Dragon (Dragons in our Midst, Book 4, pages 103,105)

When it comes to being a godly wife someday, this quote always convicts me, because these are points that involve patience, and I am not good at that. But I'm growing, and I have a feeling I'll keep coming back to this passage as I do.

And not only does this apply to being a godly wife, but as a sister, a daughter, and a friend, too.

    Bonnie glanced around at all the quiet activity. "Isn't anyone going with Walter?" she asked. "He looked really upset."
    Marilyn spread one arm around Ashley and one around Bonnie. "There's something I've learned about men. They're indispensable. Well, not all men, I suppose, but at least the good ones. In one way, they're fiercely independent, holding their own beliefs and passionately following visions that no one else can see. They need time alone to gather their thoughts, seek God's counsel, and get reenergized. But, when they get back together, they lay aside their differences and forge an unbreakable unit, like a single sword that rips through their enemies with furious rage."
    Ashley pulled away from Marilyn's embrace. "I think I understand what they're feeling. I'd like to be alone for a while, too." She strolled toward the trees, waving behind her. "I'll be back."
    Marilyn kept her arm around Bonnie. "Looks like it's you and me, kid."

(Skipping down a little bit to where the conversation picks up again)

    (Marilyn) wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them closer. "Trials change a man, you know. They make a godly man stronger, wiser, a better leader, and, believe it or not, more humble."
    Marilyn nodded toward Billy. He was shining the pendant's light on a page of Fama Regis, carefully studying the glowing letters. The light flashed back into his face, trimming his skin in scarlet and brushing his hair with reddish highlights. Bonnie smiled. Billy looked more like his father than ever before.
    "Whatever you do, Bonnie, give him room to be a leader. Give him time to fill out his masculine frame, always supporting him with love and encouragement. If he drags himself home from a defeat on the battlefield, impatient nagging will just cut his legs from under him, but an encouraging word will puff his chest out and make him charge back into battle. He needs a woman to inject him with power and purpose, because a good man draws his sword for only one reason, to protect his wife and children."
    Another tingle raced across Bonnie's skin, and her heart thumped. Her soul drank in the words as Marilyn continued.
"The mind-numbing complaints of a shrieking shrew will pour acid in his cuts and squeeze dry his masculine energy. But the tender hands of a loving wife will salve his wounds and open the floodgates to power from above."

This conversation totally put things in perspective for me. And it opened my eyes to the fact that I handled so many things incorrectly in my past relationships. I love how beautifully this is worded, and I ache to be this kind of person so desperately. To be the kind of woman who lifts up the men in her life, and infuses them with the strength and energy to charge onto the spiritual battle field.

The other thing I've learned about love from this series, though, is that being a godly wife first requires the commitment of a godly man. That's where the next passage comes in. Without a doubt, this is my favorite conversation in any book I've ever read, and the pages of this chapter are worn to prove it. These words always bring a smile to my face and light a flame within me, spurring me on to wait for a man who will see me this way.

This passage is from The Bones of Makaidos (Oracles of Fire, Book 4, pages 483-485)

    Clearing his throat and hoping to keep his voice steady, he said, "So does that mean you don't want to marry me?" He cringed. Was that too bold?
    (Bonnie's) face displayed half amusement and half anguish. "No, no. That's not it at all. I just want to know that I don't have to marry you. I want us both to be sure that we want to. If you love me, I want you to pursue my heart with your courage, your kindness, and your godly manner. And I want to freely give my heart to you in love, not by compulsion because of a prophecy that seems to chain us together without a choice."
    As she continued, tears streamed down both cheeks. "Ever since Someone labeled me as the prophetic virgin bride, I was okay with it, because you're such a great guy, but it felt like an arranged marriage. We didn't have any choice. Then, when I heard that the prophesy might not be for us, I felt free. I didn't have to marry you if I didn't want to."
    She caressed his cheek, her voice shaking. "But that's a good thing, Billy. If we really do get married, neither one of us will ever wonder about being bound by someone else's words, a predestined edict that denies our free will and forces us to obey its irresistible decree. Instead we can come together by a choice to love that is free and resistible, because if we aren't able to choose to walk away from each other, then our coming together wouldn't be because of love at all, would it?"
    As she drew back her hand, a torrent of conflicting emotions flooded his mind. She was so right. Being bound like that wouldn't be love. Freedom to choose a life partner was the basis of love in the first place. Being dragged by fiat into a relationship would be nothing more than bondage. Still, not knowing for sure that he would forever be with this amazing girl nearly tore him apart. Finally, he squeezed out a reply. "I...I think you're right. But it's scary. It was kind of..." He paused. The words had to be just right. "It was comfortable, I guess, knowing that you would be in my future. I didn't have to guess what was going to happen."
    Her fists clenched in her lap. "But I don't want you to be comfortable. I want you to win my heart. I want you to fight for me, sweat for me, bleed for me. I want you to know that you had to pay a valuable price for me, and that I am a treasure in your mind, not a trophy that was handed to you because of a divine proclamation."
    Billy looked into her fiery eyes. She had been bold, confident, and true. Again, she was right, and he couldn't say a word.
    She laid her palms on her chest, covering the sunburst on her uniform. Then, slowly, ever so slowly, she extended her arms, her palms up. "Here is my heart, Billy. It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive."
    He glanced between her palms and her pleading eyes. "How much will it cost me?"
    With a quivering smile, she wept through her words. "Everything. It will cost you your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part." Sniffing back a sob, she added, "But don't answer now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend."
    Billy cupped his hand over her palms, making a covering for her "heart." Firming his jaw, he pushed every ounce of energy he had into his voice, giving it strength, yet a sense of calmness, like a lighthouse in the midst of a storm. "Watch me, Bonnie. We have battles ahead. We have enemies to conquer. And we have women and children to protect from some of the greatest evils imaginable. But I will not neglect this mission. I will show you how much you mean to me, how precious your heart is to mine. And when you see how much I'm willing to pay, then you can decide if it's enough to buy what is priceless."

The very idea of a man ever loving me this much is unfathomable to me. Honestly, I could type up this entire series scene by scene for examples of beautiful godly relationships. I've been reading about these characters since the 5th grade, and I've gotta tell you, even though the men in these books are far from perfect, they set the standard at an early age.

I don't want to settle.

Not when it comes to being a godly woman. Not when it comes to finding a godly man. And definitely not when it comes to building a godly marriage.

I have this list. It's the typical "I Need A Guy Who..." list that every girl makes when waiting for her husband to come along. Mine has well over fifty points to it so far. But God convicted me about that a few months ago.

"You only need one," he said. "Let me give it to you."

So, I opened my heart, and he did. That one standard is this...

"Can I serve God better with this man by my side than I can without?"

This hit me so hard. Especially when I realized that, so far, for every guy I've ever dated, the answer was no. Every single one.

Honestly, though, it's not their fault. The realm of ministry I'm in is so, so hard. It's the type of ministry that you can't really get away from when you go home. I'm painstakingly aware that the guy God sends my way is going to have to be prepared for so many things, and he's going to have to put up with having a crazy theatre ministry director as a wife. I get it, that is not normal. He's going to have to be very special and unique, and I'm counting on it. I won't settle for anything less.

So...if my future guy happens to be reading this...

Here's my heart.

It's yours if you want it. But you have to buy it. And since it's the most valuable possession I have, it will be very expensive. It will cost you everything. Your life, your devotion, your commitment to love me for the rest of your life till death do us part. But don't answer me now. I don't want words. Show me. Show me that you'll pay the price for my heart, and I'll show you that it's worth every drop of sweat and blood you spend.

The Truth About Singleness

I found the first chunk of this post in my drafts.  Apparently I wrote this about two months ago, and I thought it could be relatable, so I finished it and decided to finally release it.  These are some of my thoughts on how our generation treats singles.  Hopefully the confusion displayed in this writing isn't something I'm experiencing alone.  I would love to hear your thoughts on it once you finish reading. 

***

There's just something about a Friday night... The weekend is right around the corner.  Everyone is excited to have free time.  People are making plans.  Some girl somewhere is sprucing up for a date, and her beau is somewhere else doing the same thing. 

I'm at home.  I got home from work, and put on some sweats with comfy socks (in Ravenclaw colors, of course).  I threw my hair up in a messy bun, that actually turned out beautifully for once.  And now I'm blogging.

I'll admit...life gets a little lonely sometimes.

Now, I don't feel like this all the time.  Most days I truly love where I'm at.  I get to do what I'm passionate about, leading theatre productions and helping teens discover just how fearfully and wonderfully made they really are.  It's a breathtakingly beautiful adventure to be a part of, and I can't imagine doing anything else!  I'm not in college, so I have time to write, which I adore doing.  And I'm so blessed to have a job that I can get excited about, where coffee is always welcome, and with people who feel more like family everyday. 

Truly, from every angle, I have a lovely, lovely life.

But...every once in awhile...a little stream of doubt creeps into my heart.

You know how it is.  You hit a certain age and suddenly all your friends are either dating or engaged.  It especially hits when these people are younger than you. 

I know, I know, I should be happy for them.  And I am!  I always get excited when news like that arrives, really!  But, if I'm honest, at the same time I can feel satan moving quickly to use their joy against me.

Lately I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts.  I've been told that's normal in my stage of life.  But, somehow, I feel like my situation is a little different.  I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are single for a while and start to wonder "is there anyone in God's plan for me, or am I meant to be single forever?"  To be totally truthful, I ask myself that question a lot.

However, for me there are more questions to add on to that...

"Is there anyone who will see me as a girl with standards, and not a girl who's totally stuck up?"

"If a female is in a ministry leadership position, is it even a good idea for her to get married?"

"Am I crazy for hoping that someday I'll meet a guy who shares my morals and passions, who will mesh well with me personality wise, and will also be willing to take on a theatre troupe of 40+ teens and preteens?"

That last one though...  This is my dilemma. 

Honestly, not even talking on a marriage level here.  Even just dating me.  What kind of guy would agree to that deal?  He would not only have to put up with me and all my baggage, but he would have to win over my non-biological family that I spend practically all my time with.  Not "win them over" for approval reasons, but because any guy I date is going to automatically be in a position of speculation. 

I guess, looking at it in a different light, that's a huge blessing.  Knowing a large group of young people are looking to me to set a healthy example for them has probably kept me from getting into quite a few stupid relationships.  Wow. 

Now that I truly think about that, I should really thank them.

But at the same time, all these questions seem to swirl faster and faster in my mind with each passing day. I know what I'm looking for. I want a ministry partner, not just a husband, and I've come to realize just how tall of an order that really is.

I mean... I'm not putting God in a box by any means. I continue to pray that, if this particular guy is out there, the Holy Spirit would be preparing his heart for this journey even now. I just wish I knew whether I'm meant to be in a time of waiting... Or a time of accepting that maybe I'm just supposed to live single. There's nothing wrong with either option. God has different plans for everyone, and every one of them is good.

But wouldn't knowing make it easier? I wouldn't have to wonder if, maybe, I'm just waiting around for someone who's never going to come.  If we could just find out whether or not God wants something for us, we would be saved so much time! Not as many lessons in that, I suppose.... but still.

Obviously, I'm not God. I don't know what He has planned for me. But some days I really wish I did...

I guess this all boils down to my greatest weakness... Patience.

I don't like waiting.  The longer I wait, the more I worry.  The more I worry, the more likely it is that I'll sign up for extra projects just to distract myself .  The more projects I take on, the more stressed I get.  It's a cruel, cruel cycle.  And then there's the doubt again.

You know what I'm talking about.  That sinking feeling you get when you've listened to advice from too many people.

"Put yourself out there more.  Don't be so picky that you make it impossible for anyone to ask you out."

"But don't settle either.  You deserve the best of the best, and anything else would be settling."

"Don't expect perfection, because perfection doesn't exist.  We're all human, and you have faults too, so give a little grace."

"Don't accept too many flaws, though.  You don't want to chance ending up with someone who's less than God's best for you."

Does anyone else see how that could be confusing?  And it's not like I hear these things every once in a while.  It's constant.  However, what they don't tell me is where do I draw the line?  What qualifies as good enough without being perfect?  What is the acceptable amount of flaws when it comes to God's best?  Is there an exact science?  A precise ratio where 3 parts perfect and 1 part imperfect magically creates husband material, universally acceptable to society?

The amount of opinions people think they're welcome to give when you're a young, single person tend to escalate the longer you're not in a relationship, and it damages your soul very quickly.  Whether you want it to or not, it already bothers you.  Any public discussion on the matter just turns dreams for a future time into a pit of desperate searching.  It causes you to rush into hasty decisions and relationships you wouldn't have made otherwise, just to get people to stop treating you like "that poor lonely single."

I mean, I googled the word "single", and the first results to pop up were ads for dating sites, like it's a problem to be fixed.  If that doesn't tell you how our world views relationships, I don't know what will. 

All I know is that there is NOTHING wrong with us!  Singleness is not a disease.  It's not a horrifying problem to be solved.  It just means that God knows you can work better as a unit on your own right now.  Maybe someday you'll reach a point where working as a unit with someone else will make more sense.  If that happens, great!  But a relationship should be nothing more than the union of two people who feel they can serve God more effectively together than they can separately.  That's the difference.  It's love with a purpose, not love just for the sake of avoiding judgment and loneliness.  True love should run toward something, not away from something else.

The bottom line is, no matter what the world has to say, I'm just where God wants me right now.  If he wants to change that, he will send me the right guy, at the right time, with the right amount of flaws and perfections to perfectly complement my own.  Someone who will crave a life of ministry, and desire to free this generation in Jesus' name as much as I do.  No outside help needed.  Someone who will pursue my heart with intention, instead of waiting for me to make the first move.  Someone I won't have to lead for once, but who will also appreciate the sense of leadership that God has placed inside me.

Maybe I've met him, maybe I haven't.  Maybe he lives here, maybe somewhere else.  Maybe he doesn't exist, and I'm meant to live like Sherlock, "married to my work."  Whatever ends up happening, I'll be fine.  God has a plan, and that plan is good, with or without a spouse attached.  With or without the approval of those around me.

The point is, if love, in the romantic sense of the word, is something God wants for me, I'll know it when it happens.

As written by L.M. Montgomery...

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."

My Prayer For Him...

Hello, ladies and gents!

I am totally blown away!  Usually my posts get, on average, about 50-80 views.  Sometimes as low as 30.  You know that last post about the Nice Guys?  276...  You heard me.

TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX.

Guys, that's insane!  Not only that, but my blog has had consistent views every single day, which has never happened before.  Thank you all so much for actually taking an interest in the random ramblings that go through my mind!  I never actually thought that people would read my stuff, but I guess that's how I know God's the one giving me words.  He's so good!

And, since that post obviously hit home with quite a few people, it actually gave me some inspiration. On that note, I'll get to the point of this post so I can explain :)

So, lately I've been writing song lyrics.  I've always liked music, and I have songs going through my head on the daily.  But I've never really written songs before.  Suddenly, over the past few months, I have new songs pop into my head constantly.

It's never a full song.  More like bits and pieces of different lyrics that could possibly fit together.  But still.  I usually jot them down in my journal and, if I have time, sing the tune into the audio recorder on my iPod.

Well, as fate would have it, around a few weeks ago I came to a realization.  I wanted a better way to remember to pray for my future husband, because I had been feeling like I wasn't praying for him enough and didn't know how to change that.  Every time I sat down to pray the words just wouldn't come.  There was so much to cover, and so many other things on my mind.  Usually when this happens I try to find a song with similar lyrics to what I'm trying to pray for, and then I sing.  Adding music helps me concentrate, and I feel more in the moment with God.  That's when my search began, to find a song that I could sing to pray for my hubby.

The only problem was, as many Christian songs as there are about waiting for marriage and "what she wants in a Godly man", I couldn't find a single one that specifically prayed for the guy.  I was surprised to say the least.

So...in the course of two days, I wrote one for myself.

It's the first song I've ever finished all the way through, and I sing it almost every day now.  It constantly directs my heart to pray for that man that God is saving for me.  I'm not sure if I'll ever post a video of me singing this song, because I'm an introvert with anxiety and singing in front of a camera doesn't mix well with those things.  But for now I wanted to at least post the lyrics that God so clearly placed on my heart, just in case other girls needed a simple way to pray as well.  Ok, well, no more stalling...  This is "My Prayer For Him."

There's a name written on my heart

I'm not sure how many letters

Or even where it starts

But, God, there's something that I have to say

Whether I meet him next week

Or I know him today

You see, forever is a long time

And only You can make it right

That's why I wanted to pray

(Chorus)

I pray he stands up in the face of the lions

Trusting you won't let him 

Stand there alone

When the weight of the world's on his shoulders

I pray he rests in your strength

Instead of bearing it all on his own

I pray he never gives up

Gives in to love

And believe even when hope is dim

This is my prayer for him

He won't be perfect, I  know

We've all got heavy burdens

And pasts to let go

So, Lord, give me patience and grace

To love him like you

On the good and bad days

I just need to trust you

Set my heart on what's true

Even when life starts to rain

- Chorus -

This is my prayer for...

(Bridge)

His trials and his heartaches

When life is more than he can take

And when he's facing a closed door

Even when he's close to you

In joyfulness and solitude

Just let him know he's prayed for

- Chorus -

There's a name written on his heart

It's spelled just like mine

Though he has no clue where it starts

Loving me isn't quite so easy

That's why I've come to you

And I'm down on my knees

I'll just keep on serving you

Like I always strive to do

Until two become one out of three

And meanwhile, meanwhile

Maybe he's praying for me

Father, this is my prayer.  Keep his heart and mind filled with your presence.  Help him to fight for purity, live for truth, and stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.  I pray that his eyes see the good, and that when he finds darkness his first response would be to get on his knees and talk to you.  I pray for a warrior straight out of Ephesians, clothed in your armor, that he would not hesitate before charging into battle by my side.  Give him courage to face the demons, and the determination to overcome them.  Most of all, I pray that you would grow me and mold me into a woman that kind of man would want to pursue.  Help us to see you in each other, and to take every opportunity to give you glory in our triumphs and shortcomings.  All I desire is to love you more every day.  Teach me to love like you.

Amen.

 

A Single Declaration: My Purity Ring Hiatus

It's time to get real, ladies.  Time to get real on a subject that I'm not really sure I want to talk about, mostly because I'm afraid to.  It's a feeling that we all get now and then, but we let it breeze slowly by unacknowledged.  This is a subject, a feeling, that I didn't even realize I belonged to until this last week.  It's dangerous.  It's a change.  It's a conversation that goes against the status quo of my own life...

It's the spiritual battle going on behind Purity rings.

I have one.  I love that ring.  In fact, it's the second purity ring I've gone through, because I found one for myself when I was younger in a box of old jewelry, and then my parents bought me a new one later on.  I really value that ring, wearing it on my left ring finger like a crown, never taking it off for anything. 

On my right hand, I've almost always worn a Claddagh ring.  For those of you who don't know, this is a traditional Irish ring that has a lot of deep, positive meaning to it.  It symbolizes love, friendship, and loyalty.  And it also reveals your relationship status depending on how you wear it. 

These rings stand for something meaningful, beautiful, and near and dear to my heart.  They always will.  They both hold memories of life, love of my family, love of Christ.  I would never dream of letting them go.

But lately, just like with anything in life, my mind has been corrupting the symbolism of these two rings.

You know, Satan has a funny way of twisting just about everything.  He can take the most pure and beautiful things, and cause them to fade and rust.  He even tried (and failed) to tempt Jesus by using his crafty spinning thread that weaves lies together in the blink of an eye (Matthew 4:1-11).  One moment you're on top of the world.  In the next, once he gets ahold of you, you could be in the depths of despair.  It's all a matter of perspective.

And lately, my perspective has been way off.

The final, eye opening, 180 turn around happened a week ago on one particular morning.  But that was just the end of an ongoing climax, beginning with the stroke of midnight the night before...

Because that night, at midnight, I turned 20 years old.

Most people would have been celebrating at that point.  It's a whole new decade of life!  It means you've left the awkward teenage years behind for good!  You can finally be counted as an actual, non-youth affiliated adult! 

Or, at least, that's what my friends have told me.

I, on the other hand, was up way too late suffering from a ton of anxiety.  I stared at the rings on my hands, how they had been there for so long without much reason or purpose, and I began to wonder... "What's wrong with me?"  There were 20 years of life behind me.  20 years filled with laughter, and light, and being used to do so many crazy fun and exciting things in the name of Christ!  So why was it that I still felt so...empty?

As I looked at my rings, my purity ring began to look more like a ticking clock.  "You better find love fast, before you're left all alone" it said.  My Claddagh ring laughed in agreement, "I've been worn backwards on her finger in the 'single' position ever since she bought me."  Without even knowing it, I automatically felt that those voices were right.  I knew that Satan had planted them there.  I knew that without a doubt.  But the circumstances causing my pain managed to get me listening anyway. 

In a conversation with a friend this week she mentioned how looking at a purity ring was sometimes depressing because all we were really wishing was that there was an engagement ring on our finger instead.  Even though I had never really been bold enough to say so, I had definitely thought that before.  I just hadn't known that other girls could relate to that feeling, so I'd kept my mouth shut.

Now, several of my friends have started dating amazing people, and it's not so bad.  In fact, it's been fun and exciting to see them grow in these relationships!  I love talking to them about it and watching their faces get that "look".  It's my favorite look in the whole world.  That involuntary smile that ladies and gents get in their eyes when they talk about the one they love.  It's like they can't even stop themselves from grinning like crazy.  It's the best, and it makes my heart so joyful!  Plus, I get the chance to learn about the right (and sometimes wrong) ways to handle relationships just by talking to them, which is nice.

The hard part, however, is when a friend of the opposite gender that you really like, or used to like, begins dating someone without even giving you a second thought.  Yep, that has happened to me.  It's happened a few different times, actually. 

Ouch.

And at that moment, at midnight on my 20th birthday, I managed to convince myself that I was absolutely worthless.

I ended up staying awake until 1am just thinking about things I could change about myself.  Not physical things, but things of the heart.  Am I loving enough?  Am I giving enough?  Am I strong enough?  Am I doing enough?

Will I ever just be enough?

I know this whole thing sounds like one huge heap of melodrama, but I'm serious, these thoughts had me close to tears.  It took me forever just to get my mind back on track so I could sleep.  I prayed, I wrote, I listened to songs of love from my Savior, and after all of that I was finally pieced back together enough to fall asleep.  But not until God snapped me out of it by saying...

"Hey, you!  Yes, you with the worry lines in your forehead.  The one trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough.  Do you really want to throw away and completely trash how I lovingly designed you in my image, when you could actually spend your life based on the freedom to just be instead?"

I know, right?  It's like he read my previous blog post or something.  I guess I must struggle with being a hypocrite too, then, huh?

Even with that reassurance, though, I was still shaken.

It wasn't until the incredible message at church the next morning that my ridiculous behavior was truly pointed out to me.  The message was on giving thanks in every circumstance, but, good gosh, it spoke so much more than that.  I was totally moved when, as all my insecurities about being single, and forgotten, and unnoticed seemed to be drowning me, I heard this statement...

"We don't know love unless we first know that He loves us."

That alone made me want to burst into tears.  But then it was followed up by an even deeper statement of conviction...

"Every circumstance in your life has been so designed as to bring you to the full appreciation of his love for you."

Every circumstance?  Every broken heart?  Every sleepless night wondering if I measure up?  Every messed up friendship, all my shattered confidence, every guy I've loved who never looked my way...all for the sole purpose of realizing that...

...I am loved?

I've heard several times throughout my life that the One True God is a jealous god.  He doesn't just want to be one lover of my soul.  He wants to be THE ONLY lover of my soul.  Anyone in this world can love my heart.  Anyone can love my appearance.  But only God, the one who paid the ultimate price in order to protect what He held sacred, has what it takes to be the truly unconditional lover of my soul.

Knowing that, how could I have possibly been feeling unwanted?  It was insane.  Was I really that big-headed that I thought I could earn what he gave to me for free?  He knows everything I have done, and ever will do, and he still deemed me a daughter of the King.  Not begrudgingly either.  Oh no!  He didn't say "eh, this one's alright, I might as well just accept that she is who she is."  When God invited me into his cherished family, he said "Aly, my dear creation, you are my joy and my delight!  I have so much love for you, my dear child, and I desire for you to walk with me, even as I walk with you."

And that, my friends, is why I've decided that I will no longer be wearing my rings.  Not any time in the near future, anyway.  Are you having some trouble seeing where that connects?  Yeah, it's understandable.  I'll lay it out for you.

I was using those rings incorrectly in two major ways. 

First of all, my purity ring was a huge source of pride.  I was taking something that was supposed to be humbling, and making it into something that set me apart and made me "better" somehow.  I was beginning to look down on people who didn't wear a purity ring.  I might not have known I was doing it, but I was.  It was destructive, and I didn't realize just how destructive until that day.

Second, these rings were becoming a symbol of my own control over my life, and not God's.  That might not make sense to some of you, but I promise it does.  Both of those rings were supposed to be a sign that I was fully devoted to a beautiful love story with my Heavenly Father.  Instead, I was using them to say that "I'm not in a relationship or married yet, but I know I will be.  And when I do, I want to do it right."  The "doing it right" part isn't so bad.  But, seriously, where in the Bible has it ever said that every single girl will get married?  Where does it say that every guy will find a wife? 

Yeah, I couldn't find that anywhere either.  Check out this post from Tovares Grey:

So why am I wearing rings every day of my life as a symbol for something that maybe won't even happen at all?

Honestly, when did I start caring more about finding a spouse than I did about following God's plan for my life?  It's like I've been blindsided to a ball and chain inside myself that I hadn't even known was there.  And now I'm free. 

I removed my rings, and with that physical sign of surrender, God removed my burden.

Now, I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't wear your own purity ring.  Those rings are an amazing symbol of a promise that God made to us, and us to him.  It's a promise of love between us and our Savior, and it's good, and holy.  There's no reason to feel bad about wearing one. 

The only reason I removed my rings is because my own idea of them was beginning to negatively impact my personal relationship with God.  And by depriving myself of those rings, I'm hoping I'll be able to deprive myself of the toxic pride and control that I began.

Also, PLEASE don't think I'm going to just throw my purity away.  Marriage, dating, a pure and beautiful relationship, are all still a desire in my life.  Part of that 'keeping God first' promise is to remain sexually pure until that time when and if I get married someday.  I'm 20 years old, still first-kiss free, and I'm planning on remaining first-kiss free unless and until God sends me some husband material.  None of that has changed.

What's changed is how I'm going to live my life from here.  I'm going to chase after God with everything in me.  I wasn't able to do that before, and I didn't know why.  What I've realized now is that I had been holding myself back, planning for a future that might not even be mine.  Now I see my mistake.

The only future that is truly guaranteed is the future I have in Christ, and even though I haven't seen it yet, I already know it's better than any other future I could ask for.

What's holding you back from following God's true purpose for you? 

Four Literary Friendzones That Actually Turned Out Okay

Hello, readers and fellow bloggers of the world!

So, I've been hearing a lot of negativity on this all-so-horrible subject called "the Friendzone" lately, and from someone who has personally experienced it, I've decided to speak up.  I truly feel like it's not as big of a deal as you're all making it out to be.  I mean, I hate to say you're wrong but...

You're wrong.

Come on, don't go marching off and telling me I don't understand.  I promise, I do!  I know what it feels like to be in that bubble of "Gosh, I like this person a lot, and I'm never even going to get to show it."  But, even though it can be kind of horrible and confusing, I've learned something incredibly important through those experiences...

By trusting the friendzone, we're basically denying our trust in God.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know the "just friends" bubble exists.  But I also know this:

God created the stars in a day, created everything good and beautiful in this world, and yet for some reason we seem to think he can't turn a lovely friendship into something more.  He most definitely CAN do that.  But only by his will, and only in his timing.  If we can't trust him with that much, how are we ever going to trust him at all?

I feel like Jamie Grace's song, Just Friends, says it best...

Father I will place this in your hands

You know me and all my crazy plans

Humbly I surrender this to you

So I'll keep dreaming, you keep coming through

I know you see what I don't see

So I'll be just a friend, I'll be just a friend

I know that I will be happy

Even if we're just friends, I'll be just a friend

I guess that's that

To be honest, I'm a strong believer that the friendzone is actually one of the healthiest ways to begin a relationship.  If you want to know more on why I think the "Dreaded Friendzone" is actually important, check out the blog post here.

Basically, what it comes down to is that most of the things we desire in this world take wisdom and discernment in order to be cared for properly.  But they also take something else, which is the reason for the clock in that picture up there.

Patience.

Believe me, I'm preaching mostly to myself here.  If something is in God's will, it will happen, but only in his timing.  Sometimes his timing takes a little while, sometimes a lot of while.  Either way, good things come to those who wait, and that's the lesson I took away with me from the books below.

So, after that entirely long intro... Because of my extreme love for the written word, I have hand picked with care some of my favorite fictional couples that display the friendzone in a positive light.  I hope it inspires you and helps you see the beauty of what it can become, instead of just the "sorrow" of what it is.

Without further ado...in no particular order...here's a little hope for your week.

Annabeth and Percy from Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan

Her first words to him were "you drool when you sleep", they competed and teased each other to no end, and almost lost their lives countless times before finally noticing how much they had grown to care about each other.  Even then, their friendship always came first, and they would do anything (and have done everything) to make sure the other one is alright.  Not even Greek/Roman warfare or a walk through Tartarus could separate these two Camp Half-Blood regulars.

"Put your cap back on," I said.  "Get out!"

"What?"  Annabeth Shrieked.  "No!  I'm not leaving you."

"I've got a plan.  I'll distract them.  You can use the metal spider - maybe it'll lead you back to Hephaestus.  You have to tell him what's going on."

"But you'll be killed!"

"I'll be fine.  Besides, we've got no choice."

Annabeth glared at me like she was going to punch me.  And then she did something that surprised me even more.  She kissed me.

"Be careful, Seaweed Brain."  She put on her hat and vanished.

I probably would've sat there for the rest of the day staring at the lava and trying to remember what my name was but the sea demons jarred me back to reality. 

Emma and Mr. Knightly from Emma by Jane Austen

He knew her and loved her since she was practically a baby.  She considered him her dear friend who was sometimes a little too honest.  Their friendship was a roller coaster, filled with her dizzy, romantic schemes for her friends, and him trying to get her out of trouble.  But no matter how big of a mistake she made, he was always the one to love her just as she was.  I love this story, because the two people who thought themselves the most difficult person to love, ended up finding love in each other.

Emma was almost ready to sink under the agitation of this moment.  The dread of being awakened from the happiest dream, was perhaps the most prominent feeling.

'I cannot make speeches, Emma:' - he soon resumed; and in a tone of such sincere, decided, intelligible tenderness as was tolerably convincing. - 'If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.  But you know what I am. - You hear nothing but truth from me. - I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other woman in England would have borne it. - Bear with the truths I would tell you now, dearest Emma, as well as you have borne with them.'

Note: The quote is from the book, but the picture is from the web-series, Emma Approved, which is most definitely worth checking out.

Walter and Ashley from the Dragons in our Midst series by Bryan Davis

When they met she was a hired genius in a science lab, and much too old for his childish ways and endless humor.  Just a few years later, he's still just as annoyingly optimistic and sarcastic as ever, but it doesn't seem to matter as much to her any more.  He's rescued her and his friends on several occasions, and proven himself to be a man of real integrity.  Maybe he wasn't so obnoxious after all.  In fact, Ashley thinks, maybe she's the one who needs to loosen up and trust in his friendship that has been so constant all this time.

Tears welled in her eyes again.  She tried to swallow back the surge of emotion, but it leaked out through her trembling voice.  "Walter...you know what I said about you and me?"  She rubbed her thumb along his finger.  "Maybe someday.  ...I mean, when we're older."  Her cheeks flushed hot, and she shook her head.  "I guess I'd better shut up.  I'm getting all sappy."

Setting Excalibur on the steps, Walter rose to his feet and pulled Ashley to hers, keeping their hands locked together as he gazed into her eyes.  "Listen carefully.  We're going to find your brother, your sister, and even your father, and put your family back together.  Then, someday when I'm old enough to learn to be at least half the man your father must have been, I might come knocking at his door and speak to him about a lovely princess I'd like to have a lot more adventures with."

Her tears now flowing, Ashley laid a hand on his cheek.  It was hot and damp.  "Walter, I... I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything.  We have at least a few years between now and then."  He picked up Excalibur and hurried down the stairs.  "We'd better get going." 

Anne and Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

Smashing a school black board over someone's head isn't exactly the crowning way to start a relationship, but it seemed to work out for this pair.  In fact, I would go as far as saying that Gilbert Blythe is the KING of the friendzone.  Anne shunned him to no end, even after they became friends.  And yet, even after all she put him through and all the times she turned him down, he remained dedicated to her in friendship and "would not be sidetracked".  He knew she was the only one he could love, and so he waited patiently and respectfully for several years until she could find it within herself to love him too.  This is my favorite friendzone example.  I could have used any number of scenes as a sample of these characters, but I chose this one specifically because it's the first time Anne finds the notion within herself that there could be something more with Gilbert, and I think it's worded brilliantly.

"Yes, it's beautiful," said Gilbert, looking steadily down into Anne's uplifted face, "but wouldn't it have been more beautiful still, Anne, if there had been NO separation or misunderstanding... If they had come hand in hand all the way through life, with no memories behind them but those which belonged to each other?"

For a moment Anne's heart fluttered queerly and for the first time her eyes faltered under Gilbert's gaze and a rosy flush stained the paleness of her face.  It was as if a veil that had hung before her inner consciousness had been lifted, giving to her view a revelation of unsuspected feelings and realities.  Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this attempt at a little sunshine in the middle of what is usually a negative subject.  And I hope even MORE so that you'll check out all these books for yourselves.  They're really fantastic!

Thanks for reading!  God bless!

A Penny For Your Heart (Is Worth More Than You Think)

Last week my family discovered a brand new hobby.  We sat down in the living room, all of us holding some sort of internet device, and gathered whatever spare change we could find in our house.  There were pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters EVERYWHERE.  All six of us were surrounded by the hundreds of coins that were scattered around the floor, and we spent at least three hours examining them and looking up their rarity on our various devices.  It was a blast!  And we learned something really amazing too!

Did you know that everyday some of the coins that pass through our fingers might be worth tens, hundreds, or even thousands of dollars, and we don't even realize it?

For example, the 1969-S Double Die Penny, a penny where some of the coins made in that year were misprinted and have double lettering, is one of the rarest pennies in existence.  One of these special pennies can be sold to collectors for around $20,000 or more!

Who knew that something so small, so old, and with such a tiny daily value could be so important and rare?  And to think, all of that worth is simply because this penny was different and imperfect.  I don't know about you, but I would sure like to be seen as valuable despite all of my imperfections.  And the cool thing is, with each year the 1969-S Double Die Penny grows a little bit older, a little more rare, and therefore, gets even more valuable on the market.  Crazy, right?

Anyway, these are the things I was mulling over yesterday, when God made an odd connection in my head.

I suddenly thought, "What if the value of a heart was measured in the same way as the value of a rare coin?"

Honestly, think about it.  Imagine if the human heart was one of these pennies.  When we enter this world we are totally unique.  Unused, unbroken, full of life.  Our brand new hearts, totally enveloped in Christ, start out pretty valuable on their own.  We haven't known heartbreak, haven't given ourselves to anyone but God, and carry a beautiful innocence.  Then we hit the teenage years, and life throws us for a new loop: Hormones.  This is when things get particularly complicated.  But if our heart's value was decided like a penny, that complicated nature might not be the case anymore...

What if there were several factors attached to the heart that could increase or decrease its rarity?  For a penny, its good condition and appearance will raise or lower its worth depending on the year.  What's inside matters too, since some pennies have a purer metal content than others.

What if that was the same for us?  What if we started out with several gifts that God has given us to save and take care of?  Gifts of physical and emotional affection?  These are gifts such as thinking nonstop about a person we love, holding hands, a kiss, and any sort of sexual activity.  But, of course, there would be a catch...

What if each of these gifts had a value of their own, and each time we used them they became less rare, and therefore, less valuable to the person who's eventually going to receive them?

If this was true, would I still be so eager to give in to the butterflies caused by romantic hand holding?  Would refraining from a kiss still be a struggle?  Would sex and physicality still be normal in our culture, or would it be a treasured gift to be reserved for someone who knows its true value?

This idea caught me totally by surprise, and to be honest, it made me sad.  If doing these things really did bring down our value, then where would I stand on the market?  I've never kissed or beyond, but I have broken boundaries of affection that I knew I shouldn't have.  Boundaries that I set in the first place!  I've struggled with thinking about a guy more often than I think about God.  I've emotionally invested into a few different relationships that I knew weren't good for me.

So, if my heart's value was based on it's rarity, would it be the 1969-S Double Die, or just an average everyday penny?

To be totally honest, I didn't like my results.

Even if you haven't done anything more than just thinking impurely, everyone has made mistakes in this department.  So does that mean everyone has decreased value?  And what did this mean for those who have given everything away, or who have been enslaved to the sex trade and don't have a choice?  Surely, that couldn't mean that their value is totally spent, and that they aren't rare beauties anymore.  Why would God show me all of this if that were true?

As usual, God had a purpose for this thought process, and he wasn't finished with the penny analogy either.

Because, just like a rare penny, each year we commit to honoring God with our whole hearts, our value increases.  

You know what that means, right?

It means that, no matter how much you've given of yourself in the past, it's never too late to bounce back.  As soon as you give that past to God and begin a new journey of purity, your heart will instantly have its original value.  Then you can start rebuilding your reputation for rarity (and increase the value of your heart)!  It's as if none of the past lust, regret, and heartbreak had ever existed!  How fantastic is that?  My heart soared at the thought, and I was so gloriously blessed by the undying grace of the King.  I've tried my best not to make mistakes, but they still happen.

The difference this idea made for me is that I don't have to view myself, or anyone else for that matter, as a poor broken heart anymore.  Instead we are beloved!  Forgiven!  We are children of the King, and we've been washed clean!

But be warned... To some people you'll still be seen as nothing more than an old, used heart.  When that happens, just remember:

Even the rarest penny appears average to those who don't know what to look for.

The right person will value the change in you (no pun intended), will notice the signs of your rare heart, and will treasure you because of it.  And someday, when you say "I do" with that one you've saved your heart for, the rare nature of your relationship will be evident to everyone that witnesses it, and they'll wonder what's different.  You'll be able to celebrate pure, white as snow passion, and you'll celebrate it together.  What a beautiful depiction of mercy!

I don't know about you, but starting now I want to work toward my heart becoming as rare as it can be.  I'm talkin 1969-S Double Die rare!  It's going to take acceptance of my past, repentance in the present, and some work and resistance in the future.  But in the long run I believe it'll be worth it, especially if God introduces a fellow rare heart into my life that desires that same purity.

Well, I hope this random little thought process was helpful to someone today.  I'm a creative person by default, so having an illustration like this one really helped me understand things a little better.  I know it definitely gave me some proper perspective.  Have a blessed week!

P.S. My first book signing is this Saturday (August 8th, 2015) at the Hastings Way Caribou Coffee in Eau Claire!  Come by and see me from 1-3pm!  Thanks!

That One Time God Told Me To Read A Romance Novel...

God gave me a major wake up call a little bit ago...

But before I go into the story, let me relay that about four or five months prior to this I had given up reading romance novels.  Completely.  Now, to clarify, I've never really been into bad romance books.  The only romance novels I've ever read are the ones with Christian characters who honor God with their love stories.  That shouldn't be bad, right?  I didn't think so...

That is, until I started fantasizing about every guy my age that passed by me in the supermarket, and constantly asked the question "is he my future husband?"  Not exactly a healthy situation to be in.  It took me all of about a week of this before I realized that I was slowly slipping into that "Boy Crazy" phase that I often teased other girls about, and had never experienced personally.  It was far easier to do than I had anticipated, and it needed to stop.  Henceforth, even though I had just bought one more novel that was simply begging to be read, I decided to go cold turkey.  No more novels that were directly about a love story, I cut back on listening to my playlist of Christian love songs, and my Hallmark Channel movie watching fizzled out very, very quickly.

To be honest, this wasn't that difficult for me.  Ever since my first heartbreak situation, training myself not to think about love had been a daily activity, and I've gotten extremely good at ignoring those warm fuzzy feelings that most people idealize.  Over time and throughout various experiences, assuming people have indifferent feelings toward me had become my default setting.  If I assume from the beginning that they don't care, and I convince myself that I don't care either, no one gets hurt, right?

Wrong.

I realized that not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it also robs you of living a full life.

But more on that later...

Anyway, once I stopped my romance kick and started being more real with myself, I found I was a much happier person.  The months that followed were loaded with amazing friendships, and God worked on altering my heart and filling my cup in a big way.  So many past hurts from broken not-so-relationships and friendships alike were healed, and forgiveness became a fountain of refreshment and joy for me.  Friend issues related to my insecurities were a thing of the past, and I gained an incredible group of people that surrounded and encouraged me everyday.

I spent more time focusing on who God would want me to be for my future spouse, rather than who my future spouse should be for me.  

That break away from romance media really opened my eyes to how corrupted it can really be, and even the Christian side can suck you in if you're not careful. I began feeling extremely thankful that I had chosen to put away those books, and promptly decided that maybe I should make the "no romance novels rule" a permanent one.  I assumed that this was the end of the on going "I'm not worthy" attitude that had plagued my mind, and I was ready to say farewell to all of the downsides that came with it.  That's what my mindset was when something really weird happened.

As usual, apparently God had different plans.

 I was praying about my future spouse, like I have been a lot recently, and asking for advice on what to do to prepare my heart, when I heard it clear as day.

"Read."

Read, I thought... Read what? For how long? I've already read all the dating books on my shelf.

"Read."

The voice repeated over and over, getting more persistent with each question I asked. That's when my eyes landed on it... That one Christian romance novel that I hadn't read yet.  Surely, Lord, you couldn't mean that book! I stopped reading those because of you! Why would you want me to read it now?

"Read it.  I want to show you something."  His voice was loving, kind, and clear as day.

My surprise, on the other hand, was pretty intense. Never in my life had I thought that God would ever tell me to read a romance novel. But once I started the book, it didn't take long at all for me to realize why.

The main character's name was Gisela, and the story was a renaissance-style version of Cinderella with a Christian twist.  And as much as I wanted to deny it while I read, there was one overpowering theme that my mind kept going back to.  This girl's personality was Just. Like. Me.

Now, I've never experienced anything like being verbally abused and neglected by a stepmother and two stepsisters.  That part of the story didn't have any similarities even close to the blessing of my supportive, loving, God-fearing family.  But what I could relate to was that feeling of wanting to protect my heart at all costs.

Friends have been a hard case for me since elementary school. 

I have memories of sitting alone at youth group (except for the occasional youth leader), having some of my closest companions move away on short notice, and being rejected by kids my age quite often throughout the years.  Because of this, I learned how to fake emotions without actually feeling them very quickly.  Unlike Gisela, my family has been my rock through each and every one of these circumstances, and they've stood up for me on more than one occasion when I needed it.  I'm so thankful to have been blessed with such a closely knit family, and I thank God for them every day.

Even so, having to relearn who I could trust over and over again didn't make this introvert's world an easy place to be.  With each new person who left me behind, I found myself falling more and more in love with the idea of being alone.  Many of these events happened years ago, but to this day the memories of them make it so that I have some difficulty truly trusting people.  I also found the words "I don't care" running through my head much more often.  Whether I was starting to realize my affection for a guy, or starting to really appreciate someone's friendship, I would brush it off and try to convince myself that I didn't care as much as I really did.  This seemed to work for awhile...

Until I read this book...

Gisela was in the same boat.  After being rejected over and over again, her heart was too damaged to even recognize whether someone genuinely cared for her or not.  She spent most of her time by herself, using "I enjoy being alone" as an excuse to avoid further damage.  I immediately saw myself in her, even right down to the many times she whispered "I don't care" to herself throughout the book.

God caught me red handed.

He knew what I'd been doing wasn't healthy.  Even I knew that.  But my fear of getting hurt had been too great for me to change anything.  Suddenly, as I read more and more about this character, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.  She was ridiculously insecure.  And when Prince Charming finally did come her way, making grand, Christ-like gestures of love to her, it was as though she didn't even notice.  True God given love was right in front of her face, but it was incomprehensible.  Even after this amazing guy journeyed to save her life and proposed, she still asked "Are you certain you want to marry me?"  She was head over heels for Valten, a man of God who had chosen her, saved her, and asked her for her hand in marriage, and yet Gisela still couldn't understand that God would send her someone who could love her that much.

The realization hit me while reading the scene with that conversation.  I'm known as a girl who doesn't date much, if ever.  According to some, I often come across as "too picky"when it comes to guys, and "I should really be more open to possibilities", which is probably true.  Although, yes, a small part of this is just that I have high standards, I'm realizing more and more that a lot of that "choosy" attitude is that I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one again and getting hurt.

However, reading that question, after all Valten had done to show Gisela that he loved and adored her, and being able to relate so fully to her asking made me realize that I've made a terrible mistake of my own.

Valten and Gisela got married, of course.  And there was a happy ending, to be sure.  But in the end, I felt as though the leading lady had been totally robbed of her love story.  Because of all the brick walls she had placed around her heart; walls that I myself have had in place for a very long time, she had spent the entire book wrapped in a bubble of "I'm afraid to be loved".  It made me wonder...

How many times have I missed an opportunity to love because I was afraid of temporary injury?

Reading this book, I felt as though God had given me a glimpse into my future, and I'm so glad he did.  Do I really want to miss out on my very own, beautiful, hand-written-by-God love story because of something as small as fear?  Am I prepared to chance allowing some amazing friendships pass me by just because I might possibly get hurt in the end?  Do I really want to live my life hiding behind dark, bullet-proof walls?

Certainly not!

That's why, as soon as I reached the final page of Gisela's story, I made an immediate decision to change my own.  I asked God to remove the bricks around my heart from years of fear and rejection, and to give me discernment and wisdom concerning who I should allow past the simple garden gate that he put in it's place.  This gate has no locks, no hooks, no bolt.  But, unlike the bricks, it allows light in, so that the garden of my heart can grow and thrive.  I'm going to allow God, not fear, to dictate all of my social connections from here on out.

Recognizing love is still a struggle for me, and I presume it will be.  Old habits tend to die hard, and brushing off affection is a very old habit for me.  But God is teaching me how to love with my whole heart again, and also helping me realize which people in my life will show me the same kind of love.

Despite my doubts, there are more of these wonderful people in the world than I could have ever hoped for.

I've regained old friendships, immersed myself in new ones, and forgiven those that walked away.  My heart is in God's hands now, instead of tightly clenched in my own.  And although that thought is a bit unnerving at times, it gets easier with each day.  For the first time I feel like I can be honest with myself about loving people, and admit that I'm not always happiest when I'm alone.  "I don't care" isn't even a part of my vocabulary phrasing anymore.

I never would have expected to learn all of that from a romance novel.  But sometimes God works in mysterious ways.  Hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes.  I'm going to end this post with a quote from another book character who I'm told is quite like me...