God gave me a major wake up call a little bit ago...
But before I go into the story, let me relay that about four or five months prior to this I had given up reading romance novels. Completely. Now, to clarify, I've never really been into bad romance books. The only romance novels I've ever read are the ones with Christian characters who honor God with their love stories. That shouldn't be bad, right? I didn't think so...
That is, until I started fantasizing about every guy my age that passed by me in the supermarket, and constantly asked the question "is he my future husband?" Not exactly a healthy situation to be in. It took me all of about a week of this before I realized that I was slowly slipping into that "Boy Crazy" phase that I often teased other girls about, and had never experienced personally. It was far easier to do than I had anticipated, and it needed to stop. Henceforth, even though I had just bought one more novel that was simply begging to be read, I decided to go cold turkey. No more novels that were directly about a love story, I cut back on listening to my playlist of Christian love songs, and my Hallmark Channel movie watching fizzled out very, very quickly.
To be honest, this wasn't that difficult for me. Ever since my first heartbreak situation, training myself not to think about love had been a daily activity, and I've gotten extremely good at ignoring those warm fuzzy feelings that most people idealize. Over time and throughout various experiences, assuming people have indifferent feelings toward me had become my default setting. If I assume from the beginning that they don't care, and I convince myself that I don't care either, no one gets hurt, right?
Wrong.
I realized that not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it also robs you of living a full life.
But more on that later...
Anyway, once I stopped my romance kick and started being more real with myself, I found I was a much happier person. The months that followed were loaded with amazing friendships, and God worked on altering my heart and filling my cup in a big way. So many past hurts from broken not-so-relationships and friendships alike were healed, and forgiveness became a fountain of refreshment and joy for me. Friend issues related to my insecurities were a thing of the past, and I gained an incredible group of people that surrounded and encouraged me everyday.
I spent more time focusing on who God would want me to be for my future spouse, rather than who my future spouse should be for me.
That break away from romance media really opened my eyes to how corrupted it can really be, and even the Christian side can suck you in if you're not careful. I began feeling extremely thankful that I had chosen to put away those books, and promptly decided that maybe I should make the "no romance novels rule" a permanent one. I assumed that this was the end of the on going "I'm not worthy" attitude that had plagued my mind, and I was ready to say farewell to all of the downsides that came with it. That's what my mindset was when something really weird happened.
As usual, apparently God had different plans.
I was praying about my future spouse, like I have been a lot recently, and asking for advice on what to do to prepare my heart, when I heard it clear as day.
"Read."
Read, I thought... Read what? For how long? I've already read all the dating books on my shelf.
"Read."
The voice repeated over and over, getting more persistent with each question I asked. That's when my eyes landed on it... That one Christian romance novel that I hadn't read yet. Surely, Lord, you couldn't mean that book! I stopped reading those because of you! Why would you want me to read it now?
"Read it. I want to show you something." His voice was loving, kind, and clear as day.
My surprise, on the other hand, was pretty intense. Never in my life had I thought that God would ever tell me to read a romance novel. But once I started the book, it didn't take long at all for me to realize why.
The main character's name was Gisela, and the story was a renaissance-style version of Cinderella with a Christian twist. And as much as I wanted to deny it while I read, there was one overpowering theme that my mind kept going back to. This girl's personality was Just. Like. Me.
Now, I've never experienced anything like being verbally abused and neglected by a stepmother and two stepsisters. That part of the story didn't have any similarities even close to the blessing of my supportive, loving, God-fearing family. But what I could relate to was that feeling of wanting to protect my heart at all costs.
Friends have been a hard case for me since elementary school.
I have memories of sitting alone at youth group (except for the occasional youth leader), having some of my closest companions move away on short notice, and being rejected by kids my age quite often throughout the years. Because of this, I learned how to fake emotions without actually feeling them very quickly. Unlike Gisela, my family has been my rock through each and every one of these circumstances, and they've stood up for me on more than one occasion when I needed it. I'm so thankful to have been blessed with such a closely knit family, and I thank God for them every day.
Even so, having to relearn who I could trust over and over again didn't make this introvert's world an easy place to be. With each new person who left me behind, I found myself falling more and more in love with the idea of being alone. Many of these events happened years ago, but to this day the memories of them make it so that I have some difficulty truly trusting people. I also found the words "I don't care" running through my head much more often. Whether I was starting to realize my affection for a guy, or starting to really appreciate someone's friendship, I would brush it off and try to convince myself that I didn't care as much as I really did. This seemed to work for awhile...
Until I read this book...
Gisela was in the same boat. After being rejected over and over again, her heart was too damaged to even recognize whether someone genuinely cared for her or not. She spent most of her time by herself, using "I enjoy being alone" as an excuse to avoid further damage. I immediately saw myself in her, even right down to the many times she whispered "I don't care" to herself throughout the book.
God caught me red handed.
He knew what I'd been doing wasn't healthy. Even I knew that. But my fear of getting hurt had been too great for me to change anything. Suddenly, as I read more and more about this character, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing. She was ridiculously insecure. And when Prince Charming finally did come her way, making grand, Christ-like gestures of love to her, it was as though she didn't even notice. True God given love was right in front of her face, but it was incomprehensible. Even after this amazing guy journeyed to save her life and proposed, she still asked "Are you certain you want to marry me?" She was head over heels for Valten, a man of God who had chosen her, saved her, and asked her for her hand in marriage, and yet Gisela still couldn't understand that God would send her someone who could love her that much.
The realization hit me while reading the scene with that conversation. I'm known as a girl who doesn't date much, if ever. According to some, I often come across as "too picky"when it comes to guys, and "I should really be more open to possibilities", which is probably true. Although, yes, a small part of this is just that I have high standards, I'm realizing more and more that a lot of that "choosy" attitude is that I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one again and getting hurt.
However, reading that question, after all Valten had done to show Gisela that he loved and adored her, and being able to relate so fully to her asking made me realize that I've made a terrible mistake of my own.
How many times have I missed an opportunity to love because I was afraid of temporary injury?
Reading this book, I felt as though God had given me a glimpse into my future, and I'm so glad he did. Do I really want to miss out on my very own, beautiful, hand-written-by-God love story because of something as small as fear? Am I prepared to chance allowing some amazing friendships pass me by just because I might possibly get hurt in the end? Do I really want to live my life hiding behind dark, bullet-proof walls?
Certainly not!
That's why, as soon as I reached the final page of Gisela's story, I made an immediate decision to change my own. I asked God to remove the bricks around my heart from years of fear and rejection, and to give me discernment and wisdom concerning who I should allow past the simple garden gate that he put in it's place. This gate has no locks, no hooks, no bolt. But, unlike the bricks, it allows light in, so that the garden of my heart can grow and thrive. I'm going to allow God, not fear, to dictate all of my social connections from here on out.
Recognizing love is still a struggle for me, and I presume it will be. Old habits tend to die hard, and brushing off affection is a very old habit for me. But God is teaching me how to love with my whole heart again, and also helping me realize which people in my life will show me the same kind of love.
Despite my doubts, there are more of these wonderful people in the world than I could have ever hoped for.
I've regained old friendships, immersed myself in new ones, and forgiven those that walked away. My heart is in God's hands now, instead of tightly clenched in my own. And although that thought is a bit unnerving at times, it gets easier with each day. For the first time I feel like I can be honest with myself about loving people, and admit that I'm not always happiest when I'm alone. "I don't care" isn't even a part of my vocabulary phrasing anymore.
I never would have expected to learn all of that from a romance novel. But sometimes God works in mysterious ways. Hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes. I'm going to end this post with a quote from another book character who I'm told is quite like me...
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