Christians have described this feeling in several ways. Burnout, Dry Season, Dessert Soul. In a devotional by Tenth Avenue North that I read a week ago, Mike described it as "The Wilderness." That description always connects with the word "lost" in my mind.
I've been lost in the wilderness before.
A friend and I were walking trails we had walked tons of times before. The only problem was there had been flooding in the area this time, and some things looked very different. We were engaged in conversation, and soon we discovered that we had no clue where we were. We were planning on our walk being short, so we didn't have our phones. It was an unfortunate situation from the start.
We wandered and walked, walked and wandered, looking desperately for the trail we had come from. It took us three hours to finally find our way back. By then we were hungry, thirsty, exhausted, terrified. To this day when I see deep forests out my window as we're driving down the road, I get nervous.
That's how my life feels right now.
I'm wandering, looking for the clear path that used to lay before me. I thought God's plan was constant. I thought I knew, without a doubt, what he wanted for me. I thought I was headed in the right direction. So why is it I'm losing myself?
Why can't I find my way back to that trail?
God, why have you led me here, into the wilderness, when the narrow path was hard enough?
As I ask myself these questions every day, the only answer I can seem to come up with is that He wants me to start making a new trail.
What this new trail may be, I haven't the slightest idea. I don't know where it will lead. I don't know what direction to pave it in. I don't know if, three feet down the way, I'll need to turn left, right, or backwards. I just need to keep going and hope for the best.
Outside of this metaphor, I've made a trail before. It wasn't exactly a typical trail, or a typical way to make it, but it worked for the purpose we needed it for at that time.
I worked on a film set this summer as a Production Assistant. It was amazing! I loved every single second of it. If I could spend every single day doing that job, I would.
One day we were on location in a giant field, with grass as high as my shoulders. In the middle of the field was a tree that we were intending to film by, but we couldn't figure out how to get the actors out to it when we didn't have anything to mow down the tall grass. The costumes for that day, just like every other day in this particular film, were very elegant and couldn't get dirty. So, having the actors wade through the field in costume was out of the question.
That was when another odd job got added to my constantly growing list of "random things PA's are asked to do on a film set." Several of us started stomping the grass down sideways to make a small trail leading out to the tree. It was insanely slow-going, but I actually found it kind of fun. I was outside with friends, I was working on a film, I was going to have leg muscles of steel at the end of the day. Life was grand!
Here's the thing about making a trail this way, though. It does not happen quickly.
One step forward, stomp-stomp-stomp, shuffle-shuffle-shuffle, smooth to the side.
One step forward, stomp-stomp-stomp, shuffle-shuffle-shuffle, smooth to the side.
Little bit by little bit, all the way to the center of the field.
Tedious, exhausting, requiring patience, no indication how long it would take, adjusting direction one step at a time.
The Wilderness.
When we finished the trail, the actors were able to walk to the tree without difficulty, and the scene we filmed turned out beautifully. In fact, it holds some of my favorite shots of the entire movie.
Who knows, maybe that's why God has me where I am right now. Maybe, by inching my way forward in this tedious way, others will be able to use this path to walk toward Christ. Maybe someone will go this way who never thought to before, and it'll change them. Maybe the road less traveled isn't a road at all, but a direction without a map.
Maybe that's why it's called faith.
All I can do is keep going, bit by tiny bit, with the hope that God will lead me to a new path. But for now it's step by step, little by little, until I can finally discover the woman God is creating in me. It's long, and exhausting, and I'm falling short every single day it seems. Some days I make it three steps forward on my trail-making journey. Some days I only make one. Some days I have to walk backwards to smooth out what I did yesterday.
Through all of this, my thoughts are brought back to two years ago when I was directing Pilgrim: A Musical Based On Pilgrim's Progress. I don't think I've ever related to Christian more. Just more proof that God's timing is always perfect.
I'm not really sure where this post was supposed to lead, just like I'm not sure where my life is leading. But God is in control. He has a plan. His plans are good.
No matter what happens, at the end of the day, I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I don't need to know anything else, do I?
Hopefully you don't either.
