A couple of weeks ago I put out a post where I divulged several of my "not-so-secret" faults into the wide open air. I was totally vulnerable about the things I do too often, the things I don't do enough, and the things that I'm just plain bad at. I wore my heart on my sleeve, and allowed myself to completely tear into everything I don't do right, and to be totally honest...
I absolutely loved it.
Writing all of those things down was an eye opener for me. I learned a ton just by simply opening up and sharing the honest-to-goodness downfalls that make me who I am. But in the midst of my shortcomings, I found something very important...
Like wiping off a dirty window, with each fault released into the open I found a hint of sunlight shining through. It's as though I'd been so blindsided by struggling to hide everything I don't like about myself, that I had totally missed all the qualities that make me wonderful, or even just the qualities that make me unique.
In fact, in the midst of all those qualities that I struggle with as a human being, I happened upon one quality that I'm actually really good at...
I am really, REALLY good at self-criticism.
Seriously though, writing all of that down was super easy! I came up with that list in minutes, and even went back to add some more at the end just for good measure. It didn't take any hesitation at all to post it either. Within two seconds of finishing the final edit, I had published it for the world to see and had even felt good about it. It wasn't until a few days later that I realized the huge mistake I had made.
What I wrote in that post was great, and true, and healthy, to be sure.
But what I've been doing on a daily basis my whole life... that's horrible.
Let me explain.
I'm a generally likeable person. I have lots of friends in several different circles. I've had a couple instances with bullying, but not anywhere close to the harsh experiences others have endured. I've grown up in a wonderful family that loves and cares about me. So who is it that makes me feel so lowly and held back all the time?
That's easy. Me.
If there is one thing that I am very VERY bad at, it's admitting that I have worth. I can list twelve different things that I've done wrong in the amount of time it takes me to openly admit one thing I do well. I used to call it humility. Now I realize it's satan.
Psalm 139:13-16 says this...
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
To not accept and profess openly about who God created me to be, and insist on hiding those gifts and talents behind a wall of wrongdoings is not only very unhealthy. It's also robbing those gifts and talents of their worth! Over this past week I realized that the reason I don't have as many critics as other people around me isn't because I'm perfect, but because I do a perfectly fine job of criticizing myself on my own. All this time I've been thinking that sort of attitude was right by God, when I've really only been trying to do right by myself.
That's got to change.
Today I've decided to start giving the same amount of grace to myself that I've been giving to everyone else. I'm going to look past every one of my shortcomings, forgive my own mistakes, and choose to see all the good that I am. That's what God wants for us, right? To see the good he created in us?
I think so.
Now, it's not going to be easy. Honestly, even after writing this it's taken me two and a half days just to decide to actually post it. But I know this is right, and I feel in my heart that this is what God would want for me: to accept fully and graciously the person he created me to be.
Also, this doesn't mean I'm going to become some big-headed braggadocio. There's a fine line between accepting the beautiful goodness and purpose that God has created in you, and using your status as a way to improve your position and stature in comparison to others. Everyone has talents worth celebrating! And each person's unique set of gifts is just as incredible as the next! That's what makes embracing your own wonder so exciting...
Once you realize how many strengths you have, noticing the strengths of others doesn't feel so threatening. Suddenly, you find yourself able to celebrate and discuss each other's gifts shamelessly, just as God intended it!
So, what is so good, grand, and special about Aly Fenske? As a first-time exorcise, I'm going to make a list of all the gifts, talents, and beautiful quirks that make me, me.
Here I go...
- I have a wonderfully unique, quirky, and one-of-a-kind thought process. Because of this I have the grand ability to make people feel totally comfortable in their own skin, allowing them to open up about their true personality. It's kind of like a super power.
- God has given me the beautiful gift of a vast and colorful imagination. I can close my eyes and drift to a thousand different places. To me it's greater than the best kind of magic.
- I'm extremely good at reading people. When I know someone for awhile, I can usually tell pretty clearly what sort of mood they're in, what they're thinking about, and if I need to step in and help. I can also identify people's God-given gifts and talents with ease, even if they haven't figured it out themselves yet (which gets frustrating sometimes).
- While most people are either a "dreamer" or a "doer", I happen to be both! I find so much of my joy in taking the ideas and plans that circulate in my mind and making them into a reality. It's just what I'm built for.
- I'm a fantastic writer. Communicating my thoughts through the written word has always come really, really easily to me. Whenever I don't understand something that's going on in my life, I just journal about it, or blog about it, and it helps me sort out my brain so I can work towards solving the problem.
- I'm a very passionate person. Some consider this a weakness, but I've hardly ever seen it that way. When someone I care about isn't ok, I become emotionally linked to them. I feel what they feel, and automatically want to help them get back on their feet.
- I'm very determined. When I know in my heart that God wants me to do something, I strive for it and chase after it with everything inside me. I still experience fear, but very rarely does fear actually stop me from completing something that I feel I need to do.
- God has given me the ability to connect easily with teens and young adults. Ever since I was in the early teenage years myself, I could tell that this specific age group was my cup of tea. Many of the teens I know tend to come to me for advice, and I don't get stressed around high energy middle- and high-schoolers like most people seem to.
- I was designed for leadership. In everything I do, and everywhere I go, I seem to end up in charge of something. Whether it's being the oldest sibling in my family, helping younger students edit English papers at school, or directing actors for various theatre performances, leadership opportunities seem to just follow me around.
- I'm super creative! Because my imagination runs at full speed all the time, creating and problem solving seem to be second nature to me. I love making new things that have never been seen before. It brings me the greatest amount of joy, and I always wonder if that's how God felt when he created us!
Holy cows........ I did it! WOOHOO, that felt FANTASTIC! Wow, I guess I have a lot to offer after all. And I didn't even list everything that came to mind, just the most significant ones. I've got a ton of random little skills as well! Maybe I'll make a list of those things next time, just for fun. For now, I really just want to hear what you think....
Can you relate to being your own worst critic? When was the last time you made a list of the things you're good at? What would that list say? I want to hear all about it, so feel free to share your own story with me in the comments!
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