Over the past week since posting my previously deep and hopeless thoughts, there's been a whirlwind of colored-lens-removal and fresh perspective. I'm not even sure how to describe it, which is one of the reasons it took over a week to update you again on the transformation. Today, I've decided to abandon all efforts of perfect explaining, and just go for it. So, here I am.
Am I still tired and exhausted? Yes.
Are my daily struggles with self doubt still present? Yep.
Are fears and anxious visions of failure still looming in the back of my mind? Oh yeah.
Do I care?
Not one bit.
That's the difference, I guess. Some of the very important lessons I've learned over the past few months have showed me that I need not be afraid of the feelings of weakness and incapability that I face each day. Those feelings keep me relying on my Savior. They allow me to do what I love, and be used by a Creator who sees more in me than I see in myself. My pride - my desperation to do everything on my own - was the very reason I felt so useless.
I am capable of nothing without God.
So, what did I learn that flipped that for me?
First of all...
I learned it takes grace to forgive others, but it takes bravery to forgive yourself.
I can't even tell you the amount of times I struggle to show myself mercy. I beg God's forgiveness, which he's always willing to give. And then I think nonstop about my mistakes for ages after they occur. I give myself no room for error. I falter constantly, and then I internalize and destroy myself for it.
I learned that I need to offer myself the same grace that I offer others.
"But if I'm not harsh on myself I'll make the same mistakes over again!" My heart argues.
God says differently.
If the only thoughts I dwell on are my mistakes, the only thing I'll be capable of is more mistakes.
On the other hand, if the only thing I dwell on is grace, I'll be constantly capable of more grace.
It works kind of like dreams do. If I spend all evening telling myself not to dream about snakes, chances are pretty good that when I close my eyes I'm going to dream about snakes (ugh...please, no. I DO NOT want to dream about snakes. *shivers*). I believe the same principle stands here.
I learned that I am responsible for my actions, but I am not responsible for other's reactions.
This took a lot longer to figure out, because the idea is a bit complicated. I'll try and simplify it the best I know how.
What it comes down to is this...
If a teen messages me or calls me on the phone and tells me they're having a horrible day, obviously I'm going to do the best I possibly can to help them feel better. However, their final emotional state after our conversation isn't completely reliant on me. It's all up to how God decides to shift their emotions based on his plan. How they react to my words of encouragement is completely up to them. God can use my words in whatever way he sees fit.
Sometimes there are people who react badly to the ideas and messages of the theatre productions and stories I write. They're God breathed and deeply prayed over, so I know I'm being responsible for my actions. However, I have no control over their reactions. It doesn't mean what I wrote suddenly becomes "anti-God." It just means they reacted badly to the message God gave me to tell, and that's ok.
I do the best I can. I'm constantly striving to learn and grow. I resolve problems in the best way I know how. That's my responsibility. But if someone decides they don't like what I do and they want to chew me out for it, that's not on me. As long as I'm acting in God's will, I'm doing what I should be. The negative comments others decide to give no longer have to tear me apart.
It's my job to take carefully prayed-over steps to follow God's plan. It's NOT my job to change myself and internalize a self-destructive attitude every single time someone decides they want to blame me for their own problems.
Pleasing God and pleasing people are often totally different things, and you can't serve both at the same time.
I learned that God is perfect, so I don't have to be.
I recently had my eyes opened wide when someone pointed out to me that, if I truly want to believe in the power of God, I should believe that he's big enough to carry out his plan no matter how many times I mess up along the way. I heard this during a speaking event with a missionary. Earlier in the evening they had told some comical stories about accidentally misusing different words while learning the language of the culture they had moved into.
Now, this point shouldn't be taken the wrong way. There's a difference between making an honest mistake while in God's will, and just doing whatever you want because you think God will fix it for you. You can't set out to be a pastor on Sundays, be worldly the rest of the week, and then expect God to bless your ministry. That's not how the relationship works.
I'm talking about simple learning experiences. Times when there are misunderstandings, when something isn't fully communicated, when you honestly thought something was one way but it turned out being another way entirely. We're not perfect (SURPRISE!), so when we expect ourselves to be we're actually trying to be more than even God expects of us. He's loving. He's forgiving. He's gracious and merciful. He can use us, no matter what. He didn't die on the cross just so we could be stopped in our tracks by simple mistakes, or even big mistakes for that matter.
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can separate us from God's love!
THAT needs to be our mentality.
Now to the point. What on earth does the title of this post mean?
I recently discussed this concept with my TAG actors during an unprepared devotional session. The other day I asked them if they wanted me to do devotions from our usual book, or to just wing it. They all asked me to wing it, so I figured it was the perfect time to tell them about this idea that has been running through my mind recently.
I started out by reading Mark 11:15-18
15 They came to Jerusalem, and he went into the temple
complex and began to throw out those buying and selling
in the temple. He overturned the money changers'
tables and the chairs of those selling doves,
16 and would not permit anyone to carry goods through
the temple complex.
17 Then he began to teach them: "Is it not written,
My house will be called a house of prayer for all
nations? But you have made it into a den thieves!"
18 Then the chief priests and the scribes heard it and started
looking for a way to destroy Him. For they were afraid of
Him, because the whole crowd was astonished by His teaching.
(From the HCSB)
After reading this, I began sharing my thoughts. I started by asking for another term the Bible uses for the human body. One of the middle school boys answered immediately.
"The temple." He stated.
Yes! They were on the right track!
I was super excited, because I was going on this trip right along with them. God was revealing this chain of new thoughts to me moment by moment, even as I was revealing it to them.
I continued to talk as God spoke to my heart, and I'll try my best to type out here what he was showing me that evening, as I was surrounded by my awesome teens.
***
In this passage of scripture, Jesus showed a surprising amount of intensity in comparison to the rest of his encounters with the public throughout scripture. But it was for good reason. The people were using the temple as a market place, which was not the purpose it was designed for. A dramatic misuse that required an equally dramatic wake-up call.
How often do we use our "temples" for things they weren't designed for? We talk about people negatively behind their backs, thinking, "it's ok because they'll never know." We give ourselves over to fear and doubt, even though the Bible tells us constantly that we need not be afraid. We act like we're too far gone to be used by God, even though we were designed with a specific plan in mind.
Right now we're probably all thinking similar things. I'm guessing we're all probably judging those who were selling their wares in the temple, scoffing at them and wondering why they ever thought that was a good idea. But don't we do the same exact thing every day? Aren't our temples just as corrupted?
Every single day our souls are surrounded by table after table of so-called "goods" that the world tries to convince us are needed to survive.
It's because of this that a certain prayer has taken over my world recently. It's a simple prayer. It's short, and to the point. But it's been changing everything for me since I started using it.
"Jesus, flip my tables."
(Cue laughter from the actors at my odd statement)
I know, I know. It sounds really funny. But it's true, isn't it?! We're constantly distracted by things that have nothing to do with the purpose God has for us!
(Nods all around)
Lately I've been praying this statement over and over, especially when I'm feeling stolen away by the market place I've allowed to grow in my temple.
(At this point in the discussion, after others had added to the topic with their own thoughts, I asked everyone to share a table in their life that needed to be flipped. As usual, they took it more seriously than I had expected.)
FEAR.
BUSYNESS.
HOPELESSNESS.
DOUBT.
ANGER.
WORRY.
ANXIETY.
SOCIAL MEDIA.
REPUTATION.
PRIDE.
DEPRESSION.
LONELINESS.
ENVY.
And so many more.
These are the tables in our marketplace. The distractions from our design. The wares we buy and sell to convince the world we're ok. These are the emotions that keep us from the purpose our temples were designed for.
I told the TAGers that one of my teachers in high school used to always do a "table flip" motion with his hands whenever he was jokingly frustrated. He would place his hands out in front of him, and then "flip" them upward as if he were turning a table upside down. The TAGers and I laughed about this at first, and then we talked through the idea of making that motion a physical reminder to ourselves whenever we felt our "marketplace" taking over.
Then we prayed.
We prayed for freedom from our distractions. We prayed for God to move. We prayed for flipped tables.
I still do.
Every single day new tables try to create a marketplace in my temple, and every single day I'm learning to turn them away before they can take over. It's extremely difficult. It's a constant battle. But it's a battle worth fighting.
My temple needs to be cleared of all that distracts from the purpose it was designed for. The purpose of worship. Of chasing after my God with holy abandon. Of trusting in my Savior, and resting in his gentle presence. The purpose of simply being who he created me to be.
"Jesus, flip my tables."
The simplest prayer, with such important meaning.
"Jesus, flip my tables."
What are some tables in your marketplace? What has God done in your life to "flip" them? What was your temple designed for, and what are some ways you can prevent a growing market?
