I found the first chunk of this post in my drafts. Apparently I wrote this about two months ago, and I thought it could be relatable, so I finished it and decided to finally release it. These are some of my thoughts on how our generation treats singles. Hopefully the confusion displayed in this writing isn't something I'm experiencing alone. I would love to hear your thoughts on it once you finish reading.
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There's just something about a Friday night... The weekend is right around the corner. Everyone is excited to have free time. People are making plans. Some girl somewhere is sprucing up for a date, and her beau is somewhere else doing the same thing.
I'm at home. I got home from work, and put on some sweats with comfy socks (in Ravenclaw colors, of course). I threw my hair up in a messy bun, that actually turned out beautifully for once. And now I'm blogging.
I'll admit...life gets a little lonely sometimes.
Now, I don't feel like this all the time. Most days I truly love where I'm at. I get to do what I'm passionate about, leading theatre productions and helping teens discover just how fearfully and wonderfully made they really are. It's a breathtakingly beautiful adventure to be a part of, and I can't imagine doing anything else! I'm not in college, so I have time to write, which I adore doing. And I'm so blessed to have a job that I can get excited about, where coffee is always welcome, and with people who feel more like family everyday.
Truly, from every angle, I have a lovely, lovely life.
But...every once in awhile...a little stream of doubt creeps into my heart.
You know how it is. You hit a certain age and suddenly all your friends are either dating or engaged. It especially hits when these people are younger than you.
I know, I know, I should be happy for them. And I am! I always get excited when news like that arrives, really! But, if I'm honest, at the same time I can feel satan moving quickly to use their joy against me.
Lately I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts. I've been told that's normal in my stage of life. But, somehow, I feel like my situation is a little different. I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are single for a while and start to wonder "is there anyone in God's plan for me, or am I meant to be single forever?" To be totally truthful, I ask myself that question a lot.
However, for me there are more questions to add on to that...
"Is there anyone who will see me as a girl with standards, and not a girl who's totally stuck up?"
"If a female is in a ministry leadership position, is it even a good idea for her to get married?"
"Am I crazy for hoping that someday I'll meet a guy who shares my morals and passions, who will mesh well with me personality wise, and will also be willing to take on a theatre troupe of 40+ teens and preteens?"
That last one though... This is my dilemma.
Honestly, not even talking on a marriage level here. Even just dating me. What kind of guy would agree to that deal? He would not only have to put up with me and all my baggage, but he would have to win over my non-biological family that I spend practically all my time with. Not "win them over" for approval reasons, but because any guy I date is going to automatically be in a position of speculation.
I guess, looking at it in a different light, that's a huge blessing. Knowing a large group of young people are looking to me to set a healthy example for them has probably kept me from getting into quite a few stupid relationships. Wow.
Now that I truly think about that, I should really thank them.
But at the same time, all these questions seem to swirl faster and faster in my mind with each passing day. I know what I'm looking for. I want a ministry partner, not just a husband, and I've come to realize just how tall of an order that really is.
I mean... I'm not putting God in a box by any means. I continue to pray that, if this particular guy is out there, the Holy Spirit would be preparing his heart for this journey even now. I just wish I knew whether I'm meant to be in a time of waiting... Or a time of accepting that maybe I'm just supposed to live single. There's nothing wrong with either option. God has different plans for everyone, and every one of them is good.
But wouldn't knowing make it easier? I wouldn't have to wonder if, maybe, I'm just waiting around for someone who's never going to come. If we could just find out whether or not God wants something for us, we would be saved so much time! Not as many lessons in that, I suppose.... but still.
Obviously, I'm not God. I don't know what He has planned for me. But some days I really wish I did...
I guess this all boils down to my greatest weakness... Patience.
I don't like waiting. The longer I wait, the more I worry. The more I worry, the more likely it is that I'll sign up for extra projects just to distract myself . The more projects I take on, the more stressed I get. It's a cruel, cruel cycle. And then there's the doubt again.
You know what I'm talking about. That sinking feeling you get when you've listened to advice from too many people.
"Put yourself out there more. Don't be so picky that you make it impossible for anyone to ask you out."
"But don't settle either. You deserve the best of the best, and anything else would be settling."
"Don't expect perfection, because perfection doesn't exist. We're all human, and you have faults too, so give a little grace."
"Don't accept too many flaws, though. You don't want to chance ending up with someone who's less than God's best for you."
Does anyone else see how that could be confusing? And it's not like I hear these things every once in a while. It's constant. However, what they don't tell me is where do I draw the line? What qualifies as good enough without being perfect? What is the acceptable amount of flaws when it comes to God's best? Is there an exact science? A precise ratio where 3 parts perfect and 1 part imperfect magically creates husband material, universally acceptable to society?
The amount of opinions people think they're welcome to give when you're a young, single person tend to escalate the longer you're not in a relationship, and it damages your soul very quickly. Whether you want it to or not, it already bothers you. Any public discussion on the matter just turns dreams for a future time into a pit of desperate searching. It causes you to rush into hasty decisions and relationships you wouldn't have made otherwise, just to get people to stop treating you like "that poor lonely single."
I mean, I googled the word "single", and the first results to pop up were ads for dating sites, like it's a problem to be fixed. If that doesn't tell you how our world views relationships, I don't know what will.
All I know is that there is NOTHING wrong with us! Singleness is not a disease. It's not a horrifying problem to be solved. It just means that God knows you can work better as a unit on your own right now. Maybe someday you'll reach a point where working as a unit with someone else will make more sense. If that happens, great! But a relationship should be nothing more than the union of two people who feel they can serve God more effectively together than they can separately. That's the difference. It's love with a purpose, not love just for the sake of avoiding judgment and loneliness. True love should run toward something, not away from something else.
The bottom line is, no matter what the world has to say, I'm just where God wants me right now. If he wants to change that, he will send me the right guy, at the right time, with the right amount of flaws and perfections to perfectly complement my own. Someone who will crave a life of ministry, and desire to free this generation in Jesus' name as much as I do. No outside help needed. Someone who will pursue my heart with intention, instead of waiting for me to make the first move. Someone I won't have to lead for once, but who will also appreciate the sense of leadership that God has placed inside me.
Maybe I've met him, maybe I haven't. Maybe he lives here, maybe somewhere else. Maybe he doesn't exist, and I'm meant to live like Sherlock, "married to my work." Whatever ends up happening, I'll be fine. God has a plan, and that plan is good, with or without a spouse attached. With or without the approval of those around me.
The point is, if love, in the romantic sense of the word, is something God wants for me, I'll know it when it happens.
As written by L.M. Montgomery...
"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."
