A Thank You Note... To The Girl Who Bullied Me

This one's for you...

To the girl that used her false confidence to make me feel small.

You, the one who started me on the path to having social anxiety, and always made sure I knew just how insignificant I was.

Who purposely made my friends feel sorry for you, so that when you teased me they would do nothing but watch in silence.  And as they walked away with you, leaving me alone with my growing insecurities, you would look back at me and smirk without them ever noticing.

You, who glared at me across the room at church, and played the victim when I tried to defend myself.

You, who put me down for being too pure, innocent, and naive, saying it was ridiculous that I had no desire to be sexy.  Who complained about all your boyfriend issues, and then went right on to making me feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one (which I found comical, by the way).

The girl who would point out my "idiocies" in public, in front of my friends and family.

The girl who was the reason I would listen to "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North in my room and sing at the top of my lungs, hoping and praying that God would give me enough grace to face you the next time.

The girl I was afraid of for far too long.

The girl who defined way too much of my high school experience.

To the girl who terrified me, gave me panic attacks, and made me wonder if trusting people was even worth it.

And if I saw you today, all I would have to say to you is...



Thank you.


I never got the chance to tell you.  Maybe someone will see this and show it to you.  I hope they do.  I wanted to send it to you myself, but you blocked me on facebook.  Maybe you felt guilty, or maybe you were actually convinced that I hated you.  Either way, I have a lot that I haven't said to you, and so here I am.

I'm going to be honest... it's taken me ages to get here.  Some of what I went through with you is the reason I have anxiety and trust issues.  But I get better everyday, and that's why I want to thank you.

I will never be thankful for the memories that I have of you, don't misunderstand me there.  The hateful glances, poisonous words, and sarcasm that felt like gunshot wounds took a long time for me to forget, and I'm not about to go back.

What I'm thankful for is who I became because of you.

The years when I felt lower than low in your presence were the years that taught me the most about what I do now: Youth Ministry.  Thanks to you, when a teen comes to me feeling insignificant, I can relate to them.  I can look them in the eye and tell them that God will use their struggles for good, because that's what He did for me.

In fact, if I had never been bullied, I doubt I would have discovered I have a passion for youth ministry at all.  It's because of you that I stumbled upon that immense gift in my life, and the reason I have now been able to help so many young people overcome their own bullies by the grace of God.

You made me feel completely alone.  But it was in that loneliness that I clung to God the most dependently.  My relationship with my Savior is deeper because of that time.  And it was in the lonely hours that He revealed his plans for my life, bit by beautiful bit.

It was also during these hours of solitude that I dove into my writing, and discovered that I could create worlds outside of my own.  Some of the best scenes I have ever written came from nights filled with tearful desperation for a distraction.  My characters grew out of that hurt.  These characters were my comfort, and are still a beloved part of my life to this day.

Thanks to you, I have learned how to not only tolerate people who are cruel to me, but also understand their situation in an effort to show them love.  Just like I had to do in order to forgive you.  It took several years, but I finally figured out the secret behind your hatred toward me, and in the end it had nothing to do with me.

People who feel insecure act cruelly in order to make others feel insecure, and so on.  I don't know why, or what happened in your life to make you feel so small that you had to resort to injuring others, but I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for whatever pain made you want to stop feeling.  I'm sorry that you felt the only way you could make and keep friends was by manipulation.  I'm sorrier still that you hated me simply because I didn't fall for your game.  There were times you even made me second guess myself, and I had to consult with adults in order to make sure I wasn't really the one at fault.

Because of that, you made me stronger.

I really do owe you a lot.  You may never know that I've forgiven you, and that breaks my heart.  God taught me so many lessons through you, all of which have greatly impacted who I am today.  I only wish I could hug you and say so in person, maybe even just to see the look of confusion on your face.

You challenged me.  You injured my self-esteem.  But your treatment of me never defined me, and I'm more confident now because of it.

I may never see you again, but if  I do, and if God gives me the courage to approach you one more time, I might just tell you so in person.

But for now, since the internet is all I have, I will do so right here.

In the past I never would have believed I could say this, but....

Thank you.

9 Ways to Beat The Early Stages of Anxiety and Depression

Note: Nothing in this post is clinically proven, and should not be treated as such.  But coming from someone who has dealt with small cases of depression and anxiety myself, these are some of the methods I've used to perk up or relieve some stress.

1. Seek the Lord through prayer and scripture.

I know, I know, you're most likely rolling your eyes from how cliche that sounds.  But I'm serious, it does help.  Very often, when we are in the midst of struggles, we feel like we're in a boxing match with the Invisible Man.  In a way, we are.  Satan is the one who puts pain in our lives.  God allows these battles so that we can grow, but it's still difficult to fight an opponent we can't see.  There's something satan doesn't know though: We're not alone in the ring.  God CAN see satan, and he will fight our battles for us if we only ask.  A good way to start is to pray by reading the Psalms aloud.  The book of Psalms is filled with praise and rejoicing, but it also has many heart cries and desperate prayers for peace between its pages.  Start there, and see what you find.

2. Identify a safe place.

Whether this is within the walls of a church, in a counselor's office, or one single person, having a safe place where you can talk openly about what your going through is a very important part of overcoming each particular struggle.  Most churches have mentors or small groups created specifically for the purpose of helping people overcome different difficulties they might have, with the desire to give them a safe refuge to talk and be accepted.  The only suggestion I have on this topic is to talk to someone you can trust, but who is not a person you are dating/you met online.  I would think this to be obvious, but talking to people you have never met in person about your problems is just a bad idea.  It's not as horrible to talk to a boyfriend/girlfriend about your struggles, but when it comes to advising you correctly it would be much harder for them to be truly honest with you for, again, obvious reasons.  And since you're only dating, it's not their job to counsel you. Make sure you confide in someone who will truly tell you what you need to hear, and will mentor you correctly.

3. Tea Tree Oil.

This might sound strange and random, but a few months ago I discovered the Tea Tree products from Trader Joe's and I'm absolutely in love with them.  I started using the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash in the shower, and it has done wonders for my anxiety.  It just has a really fresh, calming scent, and when you wash your hair with the shampoo and conditioner it leaves a cool, tingly, almost minty sensation, like a massage for your scalp.  I also got the face cleansing wipes recently as well, and I use them to relieve some stress during the day.  It's definitely worth a try.

4. Essential Oils/Wax Melters.

Did you know that different smells can affect your mood?  I didn't until I started utilizing some aromatherapy.  My mom and dad got me a portable travel kit with three roller-ball bottles for my Birthday a year or two ago, and they're amazing.  They have oil mixtures that help you sleep, perk you up, ease motion sickness, and, the one I got most recently, help you de-stress.  I've also used wax melters, which aren't as specific in what their scents can help, but adding the fragrance of something you love to your space is enough to make anyone smile.

5. Get a change of scenery.

My struggle with anxiety is often made worse by repetition.  The same activities, same walls, same places, same roads, it's like pacing back and forth every day all day long.  See something new!  A new store, new city, new park, even a new person!  Invite someone over that you've wanted to talk to, but haven't gotten the chance yet.  Also, this one might not make sense at first, but get new walls!  Just like different smells can affect your mood, so can colors.  If staring at the same walls is driving you crazy, research the science of color and paint your walls something that will ease your mind a little bit.

6. Add some purpose!

Honestly, I cannot stress this enough.  If you feel like you have no purpose, or you are too anxious to go out and find one, things are only going to get worse.  This is when anxiety begins to turn into depression.  FIND SOME PURPOSE.  And this isn't nearly as scary or hard as it sounds because, guess what, if your heart is still beating and your lungs are still breathing then you currently have a purpose RIGHT NOW.  What I mean when I say to FIND a purpose is that you need to discover something that makes you feel needed.  There are a few different ways to do that...

• Become needed.  Oftentimes when you feel needed by someone, that need they have will become more important than your anxiety.  That's when you're on your way to overcoming it.  Volunteer at a kids club, work at a retirement home, fight against human trafficking, help in your church, mentor someone younger than you, get a sponsor child, be a friend.  The list goes on and on.  The only struggle here is taking the leap.  From there you're on the up and up.
• Start a collection.  I know that sounds weird and small, but it really does help.  I started collecting pens a few years ago, just getting them from different places I've been in and out of town for memory sake, and I'm almost to 100 pens!  The best part is that each and every one has a memory attached to it of why I love life.  I get to think about that every time I write with them.
• Make something!  A blog, a youtube channel, a scrapbook, a novel, a scarf.  It doesn't matter what it is, just create art everyday!  Art in itself is extremely therapeutic, no matter what the form.  Find a form that fits your taste and go for it!

7. Journal AMAP (As Much As Possible)

Believe me, writing down your thoughts is a totally transforming and simple way to sort your thoughts, and I promise it will help.  Especially if you write directly to God.  I have trouble focusing when I pray out loud or in my head, but I could journal with God for hours.  Some days I can sit and write for pages and pages about one topic, and then I end up finding out something new and beautiful about myself every time.  Just...just do it.  You'll thank yourself later.  It also helps to look back on old journals.  In the past you didn't think you would make it out of all kinds of situations, but looking back from the present you'll notice fragments of exactly how God was with you every step of the way.  The same thing will happen to you with what you're going through right now.

8. Make tea.

Not just drinking tea, but also simply the process of making tea is said to have a calming affect.  Also, the different herbs in various teas have different results when it comes to your emotional state.  Look up the health benefits of teas and their ingredients and find one that works for your struggle.  When those soothing aromas go drifting by, you'll be one step closer to a peaceful atmosphere.

And finally...

9. Find comfort in knowing that it's totally ok to not be ok.

Jesus himself experienced sadness, fear, and anxiety.  These are simply emotions, just like joy, anticipation, and compassion.  The only difference is what you do with them.  Jesus used his pain to relate to people, and turned a negative situation into a positive ministry.  By finding an outlet of outreach, he automatically took the power away from his pain, and instead began feeding into the joy of others.  Sometimes the bad things that happen to us are the best motivators to reach out to people and help them see their circumstances through different eyes.

What helps you with depression or anxiety?  Have some things worked better than others?  Look up what the Bible says about these topics.  There's a lot more than you think!