This post was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to edit it until now. God has been opening my eyes to some of his plans for me recently, and it has absolutely taken my breath away. After months and years of questions, I'm beginning to see just how he was working all along, and how I should have just patiently trusted... Hopefully my lessons will save you the trouble.
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I'm in awe of you.
Even when I'm busy following my own plan, searching for what I think should be happening in my life, you're still at work. You show me your loving kindness and mercy by continuing your good plan for me even when I'm attempting to walk on my own. What a laughable thought.
Why do I do this? I move ahead of you before the time is right. I struggle, I moan and complain, I ask you why, and I'm not willing to wait.
Impatience... Not just a bad choice, it's a sin. I've been too eager, not willing to wait on your plan.
Even still, you finally reveal your plan, and it's so easy. You were working the whole time, and I didn't even notice. A plan that only you could have orchestrated, at work when I was too distracted trying to bring things about in my own way. And yet, even when I was ignoring you, you brought about the answer.
Lord, I'm so ashamed of how little faith I have in you... I long to trust you so desperately, and yet I make plans outside of you.
Transform me, Father. Change me from the inside out and teach me to be patient. You are the only one I want dictating my future. No one else. Not my own thoughts, not my friends or family, not the world and what society considers "normal."
Only you.
Refine me, Abba, in the fires of your holy forge. Mold me into a weapon of your choosing, created with purpose and ready for whatever battlefield awaits me. Design me with your eternal kingdom in mind, so that I might have the chance to serve some small role in your kingdom. My life in your capable hands; the only one who can take a pointless piece of metal and turn it into a valued form with a specified purpose. Whether it be a sword, charging forward into the unknown. An arrow, pointing the way. A dagger, for up close, in-the-thick-of-it warfare. A chest plate, shielding hearts from darkness. A helmet, protecting minds from the devil's schemes.
Whatever is needed most, you choose. I will wait with great anticipation to discover what you create. I will be patient, content with the fact that, no matter my specific title, I am already the dear beloved of God.
Today my shirt says "I am yours and you are faithful." I've been harboring so much bitterness, Jesus. Anger toward those who have left me behind. I've been prideful, and filled with hate. I've convinced myself that my feelings are justified.
No...
Everyone who's not in my life anymore was removed for a reason. My judgements toward them are only a demonstration of my imperfect heart, not theirs. You not only saw every moment, you walked it with me. You orchestrated each friendship's beginning and end, working each one for my good. My bitterness toward those people and situations after all this time is keeping me from completely experiencing the fullness of your love. Each day of confusion and tears was written in your book, along with exactly how you would work each minute into the goodness of your plan for me. You've always known who you want me to become, even before I was a thought in anyone's mind. Every moment, whether joy or pain, was designed with a positive purpose; to get me there. Each step has deepened my relationship with you in a way that nothing else could have. You pursue me with tireless passion and determination. You don't just tolerate my existence, but genuinely adore me with perfect, unconditional love that no one else can offer. A love that my sinful heart can never truly comprehend or repay.
A gift greater than anyone could possibly surpass.
The real trouble is I've spent so much of my life trying to find myself. What does that even mean, "finding myself?" I've already been found. The creator of the stars knows me better than even I do, and yet I'm worried about finding myself?
All this time I've wasted, and I've only just realized that my time would have been better spent losing myself. Losing myself in you.
I keep wandering aimlessly, feeling sorry for myself as though I'm such a lost cause. If only I would open my soul and start listening to you before reaching sorry desperation, I would hear a very different message than the one I usually give myself. I shouldn't be finding myself... Because only by losing myself do I find more of you.
My only function, the one thing I was created for, is to live life solely to bring you glory. I'm meant to breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry, speak, and love in such a way that anyone could look at me and see you instead.
No matter what the world says. No matter how many times I lose direction and focus, and attempt to find my way back on my own. No matter how hard I am on myself, and how many times I question the way you created me. To you I am always enough.
All my flaws, all my gifts, everything that makes me who I am, just as I am... It's enough for you.
I can just be.
This New Year I had some trouble. I couldn't figure out a good resolution. Not because I couldn't think of anything to improve. Not at all. Quite the opposite, actually. I have way too much to improve. So, how do you pick just one thing to work on about yourself? The last two years I've chosen more general life goals. It started in 2015 with the resolution to "live bravely." In 2016 it was to "be joyful" in every circumstance, which was surprisingly more difficult than the live bravely challenge.
And now I think I just found my newest resolution.
In 2017 I'm going to strive to "lose myself" in God's love. I've spent too much time looking for love in other places. Created too many failures attempting to find myself without my Savior.
It's a lot like driving.
You know when you pull up to a stop light, and you're anticipating the moment when that light turns green? What do you look at in the moments before you get the go signal? Are you the person who looks at the red light and waits patiently for it to turn green? Or do you look at the light that's currently green to see when it turns red? I caught myself doing the second thing one day, and God called me on it in a big way. In fact, I haven't been able to get that lesson out of my head ever since.
"What are you doing looking at someone else's greenlight, when you should be patiently watching me to give you a greenlight of your own?"
Ouch.
My loving Father, I don't want to do that anymore. It's time to get lost in the beauty of all you are. I want my breath to be stolen away by the glory of your presence. I don't want to push you away anymore. You've chased after me my entire life. Even after I gave my life to you, you still didn't stop pursuing me. You are pure, untainted love, and I fall more in love with you everyday.
Truthfully, I'm a mess. I'm envious, judgmental, insecure, broken, selfish, controlling, and constantly aware of my every fault. I'm a disaster. I'm trying. I'm constantly failing. But somehow, that's not what you see. I will never live up to all the expectations I have for myself. But somehow that doesn't matter.
Because, despite all of that, you love me anyway. And I will never thank you enough.
