The Creative Soul's Guide To Getting In The Word

If I had to name one of the biggest struggles I've had in my faith journey so far, it would be this one.  The Bible is a beautiful piece of living artwork that God gave us as a connection to him, and in this troubled world, it's one mighty large breath of fresh air.  However, if we're honest, how often do we actually WANT to take advantage of that free oxygen?  I'm a creative-minded being with some ADD and anxiety, which makes it extremely difficult to sit down and focus on the Living Word of God sometimes.  Ok...most of the time.

This year, I wanted that to finally change, but I still didn't know how.

How could I get more interested, and even excited, about something that I've always struggled with?  The answer came to me in the most unexpected of places:

Pinterest.

Apparently there are other creatives out there who have also been looking for a new approach.  And they found it.  A way to see the Bible with new eyes, and fall in love with it in a deep and personal way.  It's called Bible Art, and it's one of the most beautiful forms of worship I've ever experienced.  I've been doing Bible Art for a few months now, and now taking the time to do devotions in the morning is not only an easy choice, it's insanely enjoyable!  God has taught me so much through this brand new approach, and so that's what I'm going to show you today.

Keep in mind, none of these are my actual artwork.  I might post some of my own in a later post, but not today.


- Bible Journaling -

Bible Journaling is the wide-spread title for this style of worship.  It involves creating imagery on a page that helps you better pick apart the portion of scripture that you're studying.  If you're a visual learner like I am, this can be so helpful.  Especially when some scripture is harder to understand.  Once you research that section and grasp some of the meaning, you can create an image to help you remember what you've learned.  The actual act of making the artwork is also extremely therapeutic, and it's a great opportunity to encourage spending more time on devotions than we usually do.





You can also use various techniques to make notes on your page.  There are a lot of different choice artist tools you can use for Bible Art.  My favorite way to Bible Journal is by using a pack of stamp ink pads that I got at a craft store.  Nothing fancy, just the cheap brand.  I spray some water onto a paint brush or a sponge brush with a squirt bottle, dry it off a little bit, and then dab it on the stamp pad.  It creates almost a watercolor type of look on the page, without bleeding through the thin paper like paint does.




- Get Creatively Portable -

I don't have this personally yet, but I found this idea today and I'm seriously thinking about making one.  If there's one thing that makes devotions hard for me, it's that I'm so busy, and sometimes I don't have all the writing utensils I need to bring my Bible with me on the go.  This pouch could be easily made with a regular pencil pouch and a flat headband.  It would make doing devotions in other places so much easier, especially on trips or on vacation.  Not to mention just going to church.  So cool!




- Bible Journaling Notebook -

Worried about not being able to fit all of your notes or artwork in your Bible?  No problem!  Designate a special notebook just for that purpose.  Keep it by your Bible and use it to mark down all your thoughts while you read.  Even better, if you have a special chair or other spot that you usually like to read in, keep a cup of fun markers and colored pens there so that they're ready to go next time you do devotions.

- Washi Tape -

If you decide to start doing Bible Art, Washi Tape will be your best friend (second to Jesus, of course).  It's very adhesive, but easily removable when lifted with care, which is perfect for thin Bible pages!  Plus, it comes in a plethora of different colors and patterns, so finding a tape to fit the personality that God has given you will not be hard, I promise!  It's especially nice for taping memoirs, notes, or separate artwork into your Bible.

Use different patterns and colors to mark the books of the Bible, or other sections that you want to find easily!  In my Bible I used a strip of Washi Tape to mark the separating page between the Old and New Testament, and it worked super well.  

Deck it out!  Washi Tape makes a great background for sticker art, or a boarder if you just want to outline a specific verse.

There are so many different ways Washi Tape can be used for Bible Journaling, so get creative!  It's even a great way to put tabs in your Bible so that you can personalize what they say and where they're placed.  The possibilities are endless!

- For The Less Artistically Inclined  -

If you aren't too comfortable with your free-hand artwork (like myself), there are still lots of ways to spend some time with God through the beauty of creativity.  Firstly, stamps, stencils, and stickers are going to be the way to go for you.  Whether you print off stencils and cut them out, make your own stamps out of household objects, or purchase specific designs for the section of scripture you're on, you'll find plenty of ways to express your artistic side in the pages of your Bible.  If you're still lacking confidence, purchase a second Bible from a thrift store and make it your "test Bible" to make sure what you have planned will turn out well.

You can also spew your art on a separate piece of paper and use some Washi Tape to place it in your Bible.  This is a fantastic option for those of you who are a little freaked out by the idea of only having one chance to get a good look from the design you want to put on the page.

- Just Make It Personal -

The most important thing to remember is the reason you're making this artwork in the first place.  It's not to make your Bible "pretty".  Doing this is to help your creative mind see the Living Word as more peaceful and approachable.  It's to take the stress out of devotions and make it a time to focus on the individuality that God created you with.  I guarantee that if you make that your focus, your Bible will turn out to be pretty anyway, no matter how good (or bad) of an artist you are.  Use it as a chance to really dive deep into discovering who God really is, and the purpose he has for you.  Learn, grow, breathe, and create in the presence of the original creative mind.  He invented the first works of art, so let him use art to teach you all about the good work he's doing in you!

                             

Do you participate in the beauty of Bible Journaling and Bible Art?  I would love to see it!  Send me what you've been working on and what it's been teaching you.  

You can find more ideas for Bible Art by looking it up on Pinterest and Youtube!

The Sanctuary

So, I met Jesus the other day.

Yeah, I know.  Cool, right?  I mean, I was just going about my daily routine, and suddenly there he was, in the flesh.  It was pretty weird, actually.  Usually I'm invisible to everybody, but with Jesus... he approached me right away.  He sought me out.  Then he asked me if I would take a walk with him.

That was REALLY unexpected.  I mean, it's JESUS.  For a second or two I wondered if someone was just playing a trick on me.  Maybe this was just another one of those cruel jokes where I always end up being the punchline.  That theory was squashed almost instantly though.  When I saw the clear look of gentle compassion in his eyes, I could tell this was the real deal.  I left with him right then.

At first it was a little bit awkward.  I stumbled through words quite a bit.  It wasn't because of nerves or anything.  I didn't feel nervous at all, actually.  It's just really hard to think of things to talk about when your walking companion already knows every thought that crosses your mind.  It was also a bit (okay, more than a bit) intimidating.  Just knowing that this man walking beside me could see everything inside of me...it was unsettling to say the least; hard to get used to.

I'm not perfect.  Surprising, I know.  In fact, some of the things I've done are far from the person I would like others to see in me.  I've fallen to the wayside more than my fair share of times.  Many of the sins I've committed aren't even physical.  Most of them are just thoughts that I've allowed to slip, or words that left before I could second-guess them.  And that's why being there, walking with this man...It should have terrified me.  So why didn't it?

Unlike everyone else, he could see every harmful, dirty, judgmental sin I had ever committed, inside and out.  I had never been with anyone who could see all of me before.  Never in my life had I felt so completely vulnerable, and yet, somehow, totally free.  He should have hated me.  He should have chosen someone else to walk with.  But he didn't.  There was no need to hide myself.  No need to spend exhaustion on wondering what he was thinking of me.

I knew what he was thinking.  As he saw all of me, he allowed me to see him as well.  What I saw was... Gosh, I can't even begin to explain.  It's like...he was saddened by this world.  But it wasn't the condemning kind of sad, or even the pitying kind of sad.  It was compassion.  He saw all of my pain, my struggles with temptation, my longing for him that was shadowed by the corruption of sin, and he didn't see it as my fault.  That still blows my mind.  Because out of all my guilt and shame, all of the agony I had put him through, his only reaction was...love.

He wanted to help me.  That's why he asked me to go for a walk.

Like I said, I must have been horribly awkward at first.  But he was patient.  He asked me how I was, even though he already knew.  But I talked about it anyway.  I was brutally honest, just because I knew he would see the same things whether I was or wasn't.  He listened intently, not offering any opinion on this thing or that, but simply hearing my heart.  That meant a lot to me.  Anyone else I talked to about these things would have jumped at the chance to fix me.  He didn't.  Then I asked him where we were going.

There was a lovely glint of playfulness in his eyes.  "You'll see."  He said.

"Why am I not surprised?"  I replied.

I heard the softest hint of laughter.  "Close your eyes."

I stopped walking and did as he asked.  I was definitely confused, but I figured I didn't need to say so.  He could probably read my curiosity loud and clear.

"Keep walking."

"With my eyes closed?"

No answer.  I knew he was still there.  I don't know how, since it was totally silent around me, but I just knew.  I just stood for a moment, waiting to see if he was actually planning on answering me.  Not a word came.  Well, I guess I had my orders.  Close my eyes and keep walking.  Right.

I took it one step at a time, walking with my arms out in front of me like a zombie.  I'm sure the other people going for walks in area were enjoying the spectacle.  A twinge of embarrassment pricked my stomach, and immediately afterwards I tripped on a stick in the path.  I stopped.

"Trust me."  He whispered.  "Don't think about them.  Just trust me."

I straightened, took a deep breath, and started again.  This time there were no obstacles.  I focused on Jesus's presence and it was almost like I could see him walking just beside me.

"Stop.  We've arrived."

"Can I open my eyes now?"  I asked.

"Please do."

I have no idea how we had gotten there, but all around us were the walls of a church.  It wasn't very large.  But the lovely detail in its simplicity made up for that.  I remember it perfectly in my mind.  Deep, beautiful honey-colored wood was the primary theme, shaded in varying hues by the intricate stained glass windows all around.  This stained glass wasn't choppy, however.  It was as though each perfectly smooth sheet of glass had just been naturally colored that way, with each window representing a different fruit of the spirit and a coinciding depiction of biblical example for that characteristic.  Everything, from the pews to the walls, were clean and fresh.  The only thing that looked at all worn was the Bible in the front.  The pages were well loved, and it sent a warm familiarity through me just to see it there.

"What is this place?"  I asked in awe, feeling compelled to take a few steps forward.

He smiled, his eyes giving off that same joyful glow.  "This is my sanctuary."

"Your sanctuary?"

"Well, it was when I lived on earth."

"Oh."  I nodded.  To be honest, I was still admiring the windows, and had only half heard him at the time.

He, of course, knew that.  I think that's why he walked up to where I was standing in the middle of the room.  I finally managed to look away long enough to meet his eyes.  "Do you like it?"  He asked me.

"It's amazing!"  I replied.  "But...where is it?  Like, if I walked out those doors, where would I be?"

"Oh, this isn't an actual room.  This one is just a memory.  However, when I gave mine up, I made it possible for you to have one."

I'm sure the surprise could be read all over my thoughts, and my face.  "I have one of these?"

"It's inside you.  Everyone has a sanctuary.  Although, most people don't know it yet.  It's where my spirit lives when people welcome me into their lives."

A thought entered my head, but in a moment I shoved it away.  It was the first time I had forgotten that doing that with Jesus was a waste of time.  He knew my thought immediately.

"Would you like to see your own?"  He asked.

I hadn't been anxious about anything during my time with Jesus.  But as soon as he asked that question, I don't know... suddenly a part of me felt as though maybe I had a reason to be.  "Do I have a choice?"

He nodded, which made me feel even more uneasy.  "You always have a choice."

I could sense his concern; his desire to see my heart put back together.  I knew immediately that this was why he'd brought me here today.  My voice, however, took a little longer to agree with me.  In a last ditch effort, I resorted to closing my eyes, facing forward, and clearing my throat extra loud.  He told me to leap, so I did.  And when I opened my eyes, I saw accumulated in front of me everything I had ever seen in myself.

My sanctuary looked much like the first, except not at all.

Instead of colorful light pouring through all around, the entire place look rather gray.  There was a layer of dust on the pews and the floor.  The Bible in the front, to my immense dismay, looked brand new and was closed.  The glorious windows that I had admired so much were now muddled and replaced with other images that mixed with the originals in a confusing display.

On the left wall, Patience had been replaced with Worry, Goodness with Obligation, and Kindness with Reputation.  The back wall held Depression and Anxiety instead of Joy and Peace.  On the right, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control had been replaced by Convenience, Conflict, and Self-Sufficiency.

And in the front, where the previous sanctuary had held Love, my sanctuary held Fear.

At first I didn't want to ask.  But I realized immediately that by not wanting to ask, he would already know my question, so I asked anyway.  "What...what happened here?"  Pure exasperation made my voice squeak through the words.  "Why is mine so different?"

A slow breath without a hint of drama came and went through his nose as his lips drew into a thoughtful line.  "Life happened here, my child.  You've experienced pain, defeat, temptation, rejection, and this is the result."

The unfair nature of the situation seemed to rip through me in an instant.  "But that can't be the reason.  I didn't choose for any of this to happen to me.  Others made me this way!"

"Beloved, you might not be able to control the pain that others give to you.  What you do with that pain, however, is entirely up to you.  And lately you've been allowing far too much pain to damage this once beautiful place."

A sudden weakness entered my being as his words lingered in the air.  He was right, of course.  All of these windows surrounding me were true, simply because I had been acting out of fear.  Fear of being wrong, of being abandoned, of getting hurt or hurting someone else.  Fear of caring to much, or too little.  It had all accumulated to me doing good things halfheartedly just so I could try to feel good about myself.  Just so I could... so I could attempt to please him.

I should have been acting out of love instead.

Before the fog of guilt could leave my brain, my legs had lead me forward to the Bible in the front of the room.  It was sitting on a pedestal, it's black leather cover blending in with the dismal room and hiding the stories beneath from view.  Sorrow as my motivator, I reached down to touch it.

Air, fresh and rushing, gently scented like pure sunshine, raced past my cheeks and sent a wave of goosebumps along my skin.  The fogginess vanished.  Suddenly I felt as though a pair of ill suiting lenses had been removed from my eyes.  All else in the room looked the same.  The Bible, however, had lost it's grim cover.  Lovely tan leather was there instead, with an intricately painted tree wrapping around the spine.  I could only glimpse it for a moment before the wind changed course and began blowing the pages over one after the other until finally landing in one spot.  One verse was already highlighted by swirling strokes of golden ink.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

The breeze returned as soon as my thoughts reached the conclusion of the verse, and the pages were sent into yet another flurry.  The book came to rest this time in 1 John, the 4th chapter.  Verses 7-10 glowed with the same golden flourish as the previous had.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

I sensed him next to me again.  Jesus, the Son of God, standing by my side.  He said my name, like a breath of warmth on the frigid fingers of a cold day.  Only then did I realize that there were tears pouring down my cheeks, and I faced him.  "Why did you bring me here?"

He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and wiped my tears away.  There was a look in his eyes I simply could not comprehend.  Was it... adoration?  But why?  I hadn't done anything worth adoring in my entire life.

"Beloved..."  He paused, demanding my complete attention in the most calming and reassuring way.  He had heard those thoughts loud and clear.  "I love you because I see a purpose that you do not yet see.  I adore you because I'm excited for you to see it too.  I want you to find that same love."  For several wonderfully terrifying seconds he just stood there in front of me, staring with compassion.  There were galaxies in his eyes.  Whole universes that had only been seen by one person.  One God.  My God.  The God standing right in front of me, giving me his full attention just because he loved me that much.  He loved everyone that much.

And that's why, in the next moment, I hugged him.  I don't know if you're supposed to do that sort of thing with the Creator of the universe, but I did it anyway.  To my delight, he hugged me back.  More tears broke through as I reveled in the safe embrace of my loving Father.  My friend.  The only person in my life who would never leave me behind.

When I pulled away, I was back in the park.  Jesus was nowhere to be seen.  It didn't matter, though, because I still felt him right next to me, and in me, and all around me.  He was everywhere!  In the trees, the grass, the rustling leaves on the path.

The best part... I may not have actually seen the end result of my Sanctuary, but to be honest, I didn't need to.  Starting with the Bible on the front pedestal and reaching all the way up into the rafters, I could tell that my Sanctuary was clean and colorful and ready to be full once again, maybe for the first time since I had first welcomed the Lord into my life.  This time, I decided, I wanted to keep it that way.  I still do.

No more fear.  It's time to live with purpose, intention, and most importantly...love.

And that's why, if Jesus ever asks you to go for a walk, don't hesitate.  Don't consult your planner, check with your friends, or second guess.  When Jesus calls you out, there's only one thing that you should be doing.

Say yes... and then go.

18 Lovely Words I Learned In 2015 That You Probably Didn't Know Existed

Out of all the many art forms, the art of words has always been one of my favorites.  You can memorize the dictionary, and still be finding new words every day that help you express yourself in ways you never could before.  Maybe these words will do that for you, just like they did for me when I discovered them in 2015.

By the way... Happy (belated) New Year!

1. Werifesteria...

Does anyone else have several Disney movies running through their mind?

2. Cyranosis...

I've definitely experienced this one before.  Nerdy, I know.

3. Logolepsy...

Hmm... I wonder if I know anyone who has this... *wink*

4. Chrysalism...

Who knew there was a word for this glorious experience?  I'm so, so glad there is!

5. Monachopsis...

This is for all of my loverly friends who prefer to make their own mold instead of form to the current one.  You are my people, and I adore you.

6. Pistanthrophobia...

And, even though this is true of me, I wouldn't ever change it.  Some of my best friendships have developed while working to overcome this fear. 

7. Logophile...

*coughcough*Guilty*coughcough*

8. Scripturient...

I've definitely experienced this before, but I wish I experienced it even more often.  I would finish my writing projects so much faster if I did!

9. Nemophilist...

This is just wonderful.  That's what this is.

10. Librocubicularist...

Again, guilty.  This word is definitely my favorite of the bunch, just because it's fun and long and it makes you sound exceedingly smart when you say it (even though the meaning is simple).  It's just perfection in word form.

11. Solivagant...

Sometimes I feel solivagant, and that's just fine.  It's a rather romantic sounding word, isn't it?

12. Vellichor...

Ah, yes... The greatest of appreciation goes to whatever wonderful human decided to put this scrumptious feeling into a word.  Me thanks you.

13. Philophobia...

This one also has to do with pistanthrophobia.  It's almost like the two were meant to go hand in hand.  Yet, at the same time, the one further describes the other.  And they're both perfectly conquerable with the help of what developed the fear in the first place.  Strange, huh?

14. Agraphia...

So we meet again, my constant foe...

15. Atelophobia...

Thankfully, I have a very BIG God that carries me through this fear.  Satan can only get so far with phobias before God overcomes.  Thank goodness!

16. Agowilt

And this is how... God overcomes my fear by reminding me that they are simply agowilts. 

17. Abditory...

As a writer, reader, and professional introvert, I am very good at finding these.  Oh yes, I love me some abditory.

18. Fernweh...

The pictures all over my room of places I've never seen are proof that I experience this on the daily.  It's an ache, but it's a beautiful ache.  It means there's adventures yet to be had.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my nerdy first blog post of 2016.  Thank you for journeying with me this far, and for reading all of my madness.  I love you all!  Here's to a great year of love and light!

Letting Off Steam

This post is very impromptu.  I wasn't planning on blogging at all today.  But, you know what, sometimes a girl just has to write in order to get her thoughts in order.

I could lie, and say that I'm OK today.  But, like I said, that would be a lie.  So no, I'm not going to say that.  I am everything but OK.  My head hurts.  My heart aches.  Everything inside me wants to break down in tears because of all the fears overwhelming my thoughts.  I'm doubting my purpose, doubting my choices, doubting myself...

Why?

That question isn't my usual lead-in to the answer.  That's an actual question.  Why?  Why am I so fickle?  Why do I stray from my purpose?  Why do I take things so hard?  The problem is that I don't have an answer to any of those questions either.  Every time I try to find one I end up just like I feel today...

Worn, exhausted, and so very small.

"How could this possibly be what God wants for me?"  I ask myself.  "Surely, he must want me to go back and turn left instead of right this time."

Over a year ago I went through one of the hardest choices I've ever made.  Everyone else was pressuring me to go to college.  They all thought it was the best option.  Of course, they thought that about everyone.  I, however, disagreed.  I wanted to go to college, to make friends, have the "college experience", and maybe meet and date someone special along the way.  But when it came to what God wanted, I knew that wasn't the right choice.  I disagreed because I felt God was calling me to something more important than what I wanted.

He wanted me to stay.  He told me to stay.

I still remember the very moment.  I was sitting in church, overwhelmed, with question after question about my future running through my head.  At the end of every service they would always ask "what is your next step?"  Usually I would nod and listen to what they said the possible next steps were, but this time I was struck.  I had been praying and struggling over the decision of whether or not to go to college so harshly, and here it was.

"Stay."

The single word came like a sudden whisper that echoed over and over in my soul.  At first I just brushed it off as my mind playing tricks on me, and I continued listening to the service as the worship team entered the stage.  Then they asked once again, "what is your next step?"

"Stay."

Louder this time, I knew that it was not my own inner voice I had heard.  God had given me my answer.  And it was an answer I was afraid of hearing.  I cried all the way through the worship time that ended the service that day.  "Stay" was not the answer I had wanted to hear.  I wanted to go.  I wanted to see new things, go new places, meet new people.  Why didn't God want that for me too?

Yet another question that I still don't have the answer to.

After that it was a battle.  Everyone, even those in my own family, thought that not going to college was a foolish decision.  They were mostly just worried about me.  Everywhere I looked my friends were going to school and getting ready for their exciting first semester in the fall, and there I sat.  A girl with a scholarship to the school of her dreams, and nothing to do with it.  It was misery at its finest.  This was a test, and I was determined not to sway.  God must have had something huge planned, and I wanted to find out what it was.

I will admit, there are a ton of amazing experiences that have happened because I stayed.  I got to direct my very first musical production this year, which was a major blessing.  I've gained some amazing friends, who also stayed home from college, and they fill my life with joy.  I've grown closer to my family, and gotten to spend valuable time with them that I wouldn't have otherwise.  The skit group that I'm involved in has grown by leaps and bounds.  I got a new job that I absolutely love.  It's been a great year!

So then why is it that sometimes I still feel like I made the wrong choice?

I tell you what, Satan definitely knows how to do a number on my soul.  And the worst part is that he doesn't even have to touch it.  All he has to do is convince me that the best way to protect my heart is by destroying it myself.  Gosh, I give in to that far too easily.

I could lie, and say that I'm OK today.  But I'm not going to.  The truth is my family is stressed.  I'm stressed.  Life is messy, and it's eating at us on a daily basis.  We're all low on sleep, which makes things worse.  We've had colds, allergies, and exhaustion galore over the past month.  And it's been absolutely miserable.  But that's not even the whole of it.

My entire internal store of energy is almost completely spent on ministry, and pouring my heart into the lives of the teenagers around me.  But lately that's been getting harder and harder for me to do.  Over this year a few of these teens that I really care about have now been giving a false impression to others about me and my family.  Now, every time I walk into a room filled with all the young people that hold pieces of my heart, I can only hope that they don't see me as the fraud that those others have concocted.  I pray every day that my integrity and love for them would shine through the lies, and that God would help them all to know that I really am who I appear to be, and that I care about them just as much as I say I do.  It hurts even more than I can put into words, to think that those I feel so deeply for every day could now be convinced that my adoration for them is anything less than what it is.

My heart even still longs to show affection to the ones who have been speaking these things.  But because they believe the lies that they have even been telling themselves, I know it will be of no use.  And that breaks my heart most of all.  That someone could be so loved, and so adored, and yet not accept it.

It's because of this that I found myself on my computer today, bringing up the website for the college that I used to have a scholarship to, and wondering if I really did make the right choice.  Maybe I'm not the right person for this.  Maybe God does want me to go, and wants someone more capable to take this skit group over.  If they truly believe I'm a fraud, then maybe...maybe I am one...  Maybe I would be better off helping with someone else's ministry than leading my own.

I mean, I do have a lot of faults when it comes to leadership.  I'm constantly stumbling over my words.  I'm kind of a control freak, and tend to get stressed when I have no clue what God's plan is.  What people say often impacts me way more deeply than it should, even though I never act like it does.  I'm THE WORST at communicating, which is mostly due to the fact that phones and miscommunication are two of my biggest fears, so I usually try to avoid both by just not doing anything at all.  I always mean well, but sometimes act on a whim without really thinking things all the way through.

Now that I think of it, how on earth did I end up leading this group in the first place?

Oh yeah... I guess I didn't.  God did.

And that's what I was reminded of just now.  God placed a verse in my head that I read in devotions this morning (the first time I actually do devotions in a long time, and it's already useful.  Go God!), and this is what it says:

Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of the messenger that it was a mistake.  Why should God be angry with your words and destroy the work of your hands?

Ecclesiastes 5:6

Now, I'm aware that this verse means something entirely different in actuality, but when I read it today, God placed a new meaning on my heart.  In his words for me, it meant...

"Don't let your own insecure feelings about yourself make you believe what the world tells you, and do not push off the instructions the Holy Spirit gave you as a mistake.  When you are doing your Father's work, why would he be angry with you?"

*Sigh*

He always seems to know exactly what to say.  Gosh, I'm so in love with how he can do that!  *Smiles*  And, you know, if one good thing comes from all this turmoil, it's that I've been finding myself more in love with the Lover of my soul than ever before.  Yes, it's always hard to put away my worries and just focus on God.  Most days I can't even find it within me to open up my Bible.  But no matter what, whenever I stop long enough to breathe, I feel his arms around me, and that makes every stressful moment worth it.

I will always have some form of doubt in my life.  That is true.  But God will always be bigger than that doubt.  That is also true.  I may not have any clue what I should do next, but I will always have Jesus.  And as long as he loves me, I have all I need, right?

Right.

So, what's next?  Will I go to school?  Probably not.  I've declared that threat to myself over and over again whenever I'm in trouble, and not once have I acted on it.  This time will probably be just like all the rest, I'm sure.  If I do go to school, it will be an online school, so that I can learn what I need to and continue my ministry at the same time.  I really don't know what's next though.  I guess I just need to keep taking steps.  One day at a time.  Keep working, keep loving, keep giving, but most importantly, keep resting in Christ.  That's what life is for, right?

Alright... I should probably get on with my day.  Thank you for allowing me to vent for a little while.  I really do feel better.  I guess that's how I know I'm a writer.  Whenever I'm overtaken with emotion, my first response is to write about it.  I have a feeling that won't change anytime soon.

Until next time...

Pray for me.

In the mean time, I'm just going to continue listening to "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz on repeat.

Take it in.  Fill your lungs.
It's the peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe.

Let your weary spirit rest.
Lay down what's good and find what's best.  
Just breathe.

Breathe.  Just breathe.  
Come and rest at my feet.
And be.  Just be.
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe.

20 Songs For My Journey So Far (Or, The "It's Not Actually About Me" Playlist)

We all know that music speaks in ways that normal words most of the time just can't.  That definitely holds true in my life.  And even though I don't write or play music, I do relate to it.  These are 20 songs that have helped me feel understood; helped me feel that I'm not alone in my life.  Listen to them if you want.  And who knows, maybe you'll find they help you feel the same way.  So, in no particular order...

1. Second Guess Girl by Sara Groves

This song needs no explanation.  It's just so perfect at describing what it feels like when you're forced to make a hard decision, and when you're still figuring out who you are.  It's a transition position that I've been in quite often lately, so I really appreciate her transparent honesty here.

2. Breathe by Jonny Diaz

The first time I heard this, I was in a heap of chaos and insanity on my way to a meeting after a day of feeling like a crazy person.  My mind was on everything but God, and I had no intention of sitting to just "Breathe"...  Then Jonny Diaz came on the radio, and I cried.  Now it's my theme song.

3. Choose To Love by Francesca Battistelli

Oh, how Francesca Battistelli always manages to pin point exactly what I'm going through.  Choosing to love is one of my greatest daily struggles.  Opening up to love requires trust, and my trust has been broken enough times for this to be extremely difficult for me.  I've been choosing to love more and more often lately, and this song is a large part of the reason.

4. How I Ended Up Here by Jason Gray

Once again, wow... I have never heard a song with more honesty and accuracy to my life situation than this one right here.  As an introvert, it is so tempting to just hide away and never share life with anyone.  After listening to this 8 or 9 times the first time I heard it, though, I realized exactly how destructive pushing people away can be.

5. Revolutionaries by Bethany Dillon

Straying from what's considered "the norm" is the center of all the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far.  Jumping on the bandwagon and taking the easy road is always a temptation, but it's SO much more worth it to take the harder path!  Life has taught me this time and again already, ever since I decided to be a Revolutionary.

6. Whole by Jessa Anderson

The line that caught my attention here is "If death was beginning instead of end, than who I am now was determined then."  The fact that my life was determined and guaranteed because of the death of Christ is just crazy!  Because of his sacrifice, I don't ever have to worry about feeling "Whole".  Because, with Jesus, I already am.

7. Brave by Moriah Peters

I'm not exactly the bravest person.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite in most situations.  Because of this I decided to make my New Years resolution for 2015 a challenge to "Live Bravely" and, holy cow, a challenge it has been.  This song came out pretty close to the same time that promise was made, and it instantly became my battle cry for the year, encouraging me to take leaps that I've never taken before.

8. Can't Live Without You by Owl City

I love that Adam Young takes a style of music that is mostly popular in secular circles, and transforms it by creating Christian lyrics and stories to go along with it.  Because he goes through a lot of anxiety just like I do, I relate to his music a ton.  It always reminds me that I'm never alone.

9. Press On by Building 429 (Feat. Blanca Callahan)

The truth in this song speaks volumes.  Just the fact that I am a mess, and yet God calls me his own and created my every flaw with a meaning.  It's more than I could ever ask for, and it allows me to "Press On" in a way that I could never accomplish without Him.  Life goes on, but He's all I need.

10. Losing by Tenth Avenue North

Being different has been my way of life since I was very, very young.  Most Christians can relate to that fact.  Because of this, I definitely know what pain feels like.  Rejection and brokenness are a common theme in my story, but God has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Forgiveness is definitely a struggle, but it's a struggle worth having.

11. Awake My Love by I Am They

Even in the times when I'm hurting, and wonder what God is up to, He always finds a way to send me something to smile about.  God is the noble treasurer of my heart, the intimate lover of my soul, and he "Awakes My Love" in new and wonderful ways every single day.  I love Him with everything in me.

12. 3:42 A.M. (Writer's Block) by MercyMe

Being a writer, it's always challenging on those nights when the words just won't come like I want them to.  What I've discovered, though, is that those nights are usually a sign that I need to lay my novel and my characters at the feet of God, and allow him to make up what I lack.  The stories He writes are 100% better than the ones I come up with on my own.  If the idea is mine, it's a waste of time!  This song greatly helps to remind me of that.

13. The Waiting by Jamie Grace

Patience... Waiting... Oh, my greatest enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  But each time I choose to wait instead of going forward on my own, I learn something new, and it ends up being worth the wait.  If I rush into things, disaster strikes.  So why is it I continue to make the same hasty mistakes?

14. Beyond Me by tobyMac

I've had the opportunity to do so many amazing and unique things in my life, and it's incredible to even think about!  But whenever people ask how I do what I do, I can only tell them that I don't.  God is the source of every accomplishment.  All of the greatest things I've ever done were not my doing, and they were all definitely WAY "Beyond Me."

15. Want To Be Real by Chris August

Some days I get so unbelievably frustrated with the false nature of the world.  I remember back when I was going through some of my particularly difficult days, I would listen to this song over and over and pray that I didn't become fake; that I would grow into a genuine and authentic lover of Christ.  I wanted to simply be real, and that's still my prayer.

16. Ready Or Not by Britt Nicole (Feat. Lecrae)

Sometimes it is so much easier to simply take the background spot and leave the leadership position to someone else.  However, that's not God's plan for us.  As soon as we devote our lives to him, we make a promise to stand out for his name.  We may be ridiculed for living out loud in that way, but it suddenly becomes a part of our nature to shine.  We can't hide it! 

17. I Refuse by Josh Wilson

This song is wonderful in so many ways.  I relate to it so much.  There was a time in my life where I had no clue what I was supposed to do in this life, and I was tempted to just sit back and not do anything.  Then I discovered what my purpose was, and suddenly I couldn't stand still!  It's like a flame took me over, and that flame still burns to this day!

18. Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets

Even in the hardest times of my life, God was at work.  Winning or losing, love and hate, joy or pain, no matter what the circumstance God is always working.  He's been making me since before I was even born, and He'll be making me until the day I breathe my last.  That's just how good He is.

19. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

This song pulled me through every single one of those broken friendships and rejection situations.  When a best friend betrays your trust, it's hard to bounce back.  When multiple friends betray your trust at separate times, it seems nearly impossible.  Listening to Brandon's words here reminded me that forgiveness was more important than anything, and that God would bring positive change through the pain.  I am truly "Not Who I Was", and this song is my letter of grace to those friends.

20. My Story by Big Daddy Weave

This song is self explanatory, and completely truthful!  I hope you enjoyed this journey through my history, and the music that guided me through it.  God uses people and art to impact us in amazing ways, and it happens everyday.  May your day be blessed with music and the glorious love of Christ!

To listen to this playlist on Spotify, click here.