I haven't written on here in a long time...
Here I am. Up at midnight....crying...again. Blogging because I'm desperate for a distraction. Anything to quiet all the very demanding, self-deprecating voices in my head. You know what set me off? The crying, I mean? A pile of dirty laundry. It's ridiculous, right? I mean, obviously, from the length of this post, there's more to it than that. But, basically, I started crying because I took one look around my messy room and felt instantly tired wondering when I would actually have the time to do something about it.
It's amazing how fast life can becoming overwhelming isn't it? Lately I've been feeling like even breathing takes too much time. It's hard to get out of bed some days, but I get out of bed anyway. No matter how much sleep I get I'm always tired, I go to sleep anyway. I tell my friends I'll schedule a time to hang out, but I can see in their eyes that they're skeptical. I would be skeptical too.
I'm directing a play. A play that has fun moments, but is overall very serious and stressful. There are too many decisions to make, and I don't feel capable of making them. I need to figure out... so many things that are way over my head.
I'm working hard to grow a, quite frankly, very experimental ministry. Something that, to my knowledge, hasn't really been done before. I'm terrified. I'm anxious. I'm in a rabbit-like state of constantly wanting to dart into the bushes, but knowing I can't.
Honestly, most days I feel trapped.
Sometimes it's hard to even get three straight meals in a single day, not without at least one of them being a granola bar grabbed last minute from the snack drawer.
My mind is never at rest. If I'm not working on a project, I'm thinking about the next five projects down the line. I'm strategizing, worrying, and dreaming all at once. I have trouble sleeping most nights. Hence, why I'm writing in my chair right now instead of laying in my nice, warm bed.
I went to Easter service this morning. I sang in the choir. It was beautiful, and fun, and I loved every minute of worshiping my Savior with my incredible church family. But, if I'm honest, even at rehearsal I was fighting the urge to think through the lists of tasks I need to handle.
People say they want to help. I have a hard time believing them. I think people are under the impression that what I do is a "Fun Job." Those people would be incorrect. Sure, it has its fun moments. But most of the time it's just hard. Really, really hard. Some days even impossibly so. So when I show them a list of actual work related tasks I need to complete, most of the time they're surprised. Where's all the fun stuff they assumed my work to be?
Sometimes even the parents and "more experienced" adults fall to the assumption that my job is simple. Assuming that I know what the heck I'm doing. That I'm fine, and not just pretending to get by. That I'm not actually freaking out on the inside on a daily basis.
My job is getting a phone call at 1am while I'm on vacation with my family because a teenager I just met a few days earlier is missing and on suicide watch.
My job is staying on the phone with my TAG family in prayer until they find that teenager two hours later, at 3am.
My job is coordinating a gazillion schedules for busy families, and trying to find times they can meet so that their calendars aren't weighed down, even if mine is.
My job is struggling to step forward because I'm a twenty-something who's still figuring out who God created me to be, and yet having to constantly send apology emails because I'm supposed to have everything figured out by now.
My job is making it up as I go, and relying on God in every moment because I am nothing on my own.
My job is typing, and filing, and sorting, and often quite boring.
My job is months of constant spiritual battle for just a couple hours of rest during showtime, before the cycle starts all over again.
My job is identifying what's at the core of a teenager's pain, instead of focusing on the symptoms, so that they can find healing.
My job is allowing my actors to take a mental health day and skip rehearsal whenever they need to, even if I don't have that same luxury.
My job is frightening. My job is a war zone. My job is exhausting. My job makes me want to give up most days.
But I wouldn't trade the last six years for the world...
If you would have asked me what I wanted to do with my life six years ago, it wouldn't have been this. Youth Skit Group Therapy Director would not have even been on the list. In fact, I wouldn't have even known what that was! It wasn't on my radar at all that I would direct my first full length musical at 19. I didn't have a wish list that said I wanted to go through ministry burnout before age 30. It just wasn't in the plan.
And yet... despite all of this struggle and darkness, I can still trust that the plan I'm in is a GOOD plan. It's a GOOD plan because it's GOD'S plan. I may have doubted that I'm where I want to be, but I've never once doubted that I'm where God wants me to be.
This might sound super strange, but there's a specific TV show my sister and I love watching together that I've pulled a lot of lessons from recently. It might surprise you, but the show is called Once Upon A Time.
*****SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT SEASON 5 SPOILERS******
Once Upon A Time is a creative retelling of favorite fairytales, new and old, in a modern setting. In the first season, the Evil Queen has created a small town in Maine called Storybrooke. She wipes the memories of all the fairytale characters and places them in this town in our world, where she is the mayor. Several years later, along comes Emma Swan, who is brought to this hidden town by a young boy claiming to be her son. His name is Henry, and he tries to convince Swan that she is the long lost daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, who sent her to the real world as a baby before the curse fell so that she could one day rescue the happy endings of all the characters.
I actually admire this show a lot for their display of consequences and moral compasses. Whenever a character makes a bad choice, it truly does have defined consequences. There are also strong elements of grace and forgiveness, as well as redemption for previous wrongs. Villains turning over new leaves is a common theme, for instance. And the storytelling in itself is rather brilliant. How they keep track of all those characters, I will never know!
To be honest, Emma Swan is the character that I relate to most. Maybe more than I would like. Just like Emma, I'm constantly afraid of hurting people, so I'm not good at developing a close relationship with anyone. I allow others to rely on me too much, while at the same time not allowing myself to rely on anyone at all. It's safer that way. Less chance that I'll burden them, and I won't get betrayed if I don't trust anyone.
I relate to Emma because, like her, there's a vast calling on my life, and I'm still deciding if I want it or not. Not because I'm opposed to the idea itself, but because I'm usually convinced someone other than me could do a better job. I don't see myself as a hero. Most days I see myself as the accidental villain. All the good intentions, but none of the good outcome. Too many mistakes. I stumble. I strive too hard to flip the situation. It ends badly. I'm often more pessimistic than I would like to be, especially with myself. But when it comes to my job, I'm not a quitter. I don't generally handle complements well. Love and adoration often make me uncomfortable, even if I don't want them to. I'm awkward in surface conversations.
There's the fact that I always feel like it's up to me to fix everyone's problems on my own. And even though I know I don't actually have to, I find myself feeling like I need to try anyway, which usually ends in disaster. But I don't like watching my friends and family suffer. I much too often allow my fear of the future delay me from moving forward.
And, most recently, a lot of times it feels like there's a dark being in my head trying very hard to discourage me.
I'm just gonna face the facts. I often try to play Belle when I'm in public, just so I don't get pelted with questions. Positive, joyful, carefree. The last thing an introvert likes is hearing "are you ok?" over and over again throughout the day. But on the inside I'm viewing things with a very Emma point of view. Tired of being hurt, wishing I could trust more openly, never quite knowing what my next step should be.
Recently a specific quote from the show really hit me. It was stated by King Arthur, who actually (go figure) ended up being a total jerk. But even so, he got this quote right on the nose. I can't find the exact quote anywhere, but it was something like this...
Arthur told David (aka, Prince Charming), "It's alright that we didn't complete what we quested to do. Did you know that quest is another word for seek, David? So, in actuality, the seeking is more important than the finding. For the seeking is where you grow."
This conversation hit me so deeply as we were watching the episode, along with the newfound voices in Emma's head that were constantly telling her she couldn't do anything right. That she was incapable. Her usually brave and bold personality getting smaller and smaller as this season goes on, and it's exactly how I've been feeling. Smaller and smaller.
*****END OF SPOILERS******
This is the state of my being lately.
It's not pretty. It's not colorful or vibrant. I'm constantly exhausted. I'm finding it hard to be interested in things that usually excite me. But it's my current reality.
I want to end this post with a happiness and a hope. But right now everything is so difficult. It feels like the simplest things are ten times harder than they normally are for me to complete. And steal ten times the energy. I'm usually the optimistic one, but it's just not happening for me right now. It will eventually, but it's going to take some time. I haven't had a break from youth ministry in six years, and burnout is definitely taking its toll.
I haven't talked about my ministry burnout until now because I haven't wanted anyone to treat me differently. I still want my teens to feel they can come to me. I still want to move forward in God's goodness and grace. I still want to grow and learn as I trust Him more.
Honestly, the purpose of this post is just mostly to inform you of what's going on with me lately. Why I might seem a little different. Why I might not blog as much for a little while. And also to ask you to pray for me.
Would you pray for me? It would mean the world to me.
Again, I'm sorry for the downtrodden nature of this post. I can't wait to get some of my energy back so I can post happy, fun, joyful things once again! It'll happen. I know it will! God has a purpose for me, and it will not fail. I have every confidence of this. All I know is that God never said life would be easy. He just said it would be possible. And possible is all I need.
It's almost 3am as I'm finishing this post. I think my brain is finally emptied of thoughts enough to get some sleep. I should blog more regularly again, because this always seems to help my mood when I'm walking through less-than-ideal circumstances. Thank you, Jesus, for the written word and the beautiful role it's played in my life!
Father, hear my plea... See me. Wash over me. Hold me up, my Savior.
No matter what happens, even so, I will dare to believe in you and your good plan for me!
Amen.
