The Truth About Singleness

I found the first chunk of this post in my drafts.  Apparently I wrote this about two months ago, and I thought it could be relatable, so I finished it and decided to finally release it.  These are some of my thoughts on how our generation treats singles.  Hopefully the confusion displayed in this writing isn't something I'm experiencing alone.  I would love to hear your thoughts on it once you finish reading. 

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There's just something about a Friday night... The weekend is right around the corner.  Everyone is excited to have free time.  People are making plans.  Some girl somewhere is sprucing up for a date, and her beau is somewhere else doing the same thing. 

I'm at home.  I got home from work, and put on some sweats with comfy socks (in Ravenclaw colors, of course).  I threw my hair up in a messy bun, that actually turned out beautifully for once.  And now I'm blogging.

I'll admit...life gets a little lonely sometimes.

Now, I don't feel like this all the time.  Most days I truly love where I'm at.  I get to do what I'm passionate about, leading theatre productions and helping teens discover just how fearfully and wonderfully made they really are.  It's a breathtakingly beautiful adventure to be a part of, and I can't imagine doing anything else!  I'm not in college, so I have time to write, which I adore doing.  And I'm so blessed to have a job that I can get excited about, where coffee is always welcome, and with people who feel more like family everyday. 

Truly, from every angle, I have a lovely, lovely life.

But...every once in awhile...a little stream of doubt creeps into my heart.

You know how it is.  You hit a certain age and suddenly all your friends are either dating or engaged.  It especially hits when these people are younger than you. 

I know, I know, I should be happy for them.  And I am!  I always get excited when news like that arrives, really!  But, if I'm honest, at the same time I can feel satan moving quickly to use their joy against me.

Lately I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts.  I've been told that's normal in my stage of life.  But, somehow, I feel like my situation is a little different.  I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are single for a while and start to wonder "is there anyone in God's plan for me, or am I meant to be single forever?"  To be totally truthful, I ask myself that question a lot.

However, for me there are more questions to add on to that...

"Is there anyone who will see me as a girl with standards, and not a girl who's totally stuck up?"

"If a female is in a ministry leadership position, is it even a good idea for her to get married?"

"Am I crazy for hoping that someday I'll meet a guy who shares my morals and passions, who will mesh well with me personality wise, and will also be willing to take on a theatre troupe of 40+ teens and preteens?"

That last one though...  This is my dilemma. 

Honestly, not even talking on a marriage level here.  Even just dating me.  What kind of guy would agree to that deal?  He would not only have to put up with me and all my baggage, but he would have to win over my non-biological family that I spend practically all my time with.  Not "win them over" for approval reasons, but because any guy I date is going to automatically be in a position of speculation. 

I guess, looking at it in a different light, that's a huge blessing.  Knowing a large group of young people are looking to me to set a healthy example for them has probably kept me from getting into quite a few stupid relationships.  Wow. 

Now that I truly think about that, I should really thank them.

But at the same time, all these questions seem to swirl faster and faster in my mind with each passing day. I know what I'm looking for. I want a ministry partner, not just a husband, and I've come to realize just how tall of an order that really is.

I mean... I'm not putting God in a box by any means. I continue to pray that, if this particular guy is out there, the Holy Spirit would be preparing his heart for this journey even now. I just wish I knew whether I'm meant to be in a time of waiting... Or a time of accepting that maybe I'm just supposed to live single. There's nothing wrong with either option. God has different plans for everyone, and every one of them is good.

But wouldn't knowing make it easier? I wouldn't have to wonder if, maybe, I'm just waiting around for someone who's never going to come.  If we could just find out whether or not God wants something for us, we would be saved so much time! Not as many lessons in that, I suppose.... but still.

Obviously, I'm not God. I don't know what He has planned for me. But some days I really wish I did...

I guess this all boils down to my greatest weakness... Patience.

I don't like waiting.  The longer I wait, the more I worry.  The more I worry, the more likely it is that I'll sign up for extra projects just to distract myself .  The more projects I take on, the more stressed I get.  It's a cruel, cruel cycle.  And then there's the doubt again.

You know what I'm talking about.  That sinking feeling you get when you've listened to advice from too many people.

"Put yourself out there more.  Don't be so picky that you make it impossible for anyone to ask you out."

"But don't settle either.  You deserve the best of the best, and anything else would be settling."

"Don't expect perfection, because perfection doesn't exist.  We're all human, and you have faults too, so give a little grace."

"Don't accept too many flaws, though.  You don't want to chance ending up with someone who's less than God's best for you."

Does anyone else see how that could be confusing?  And it's not like I hear these things every once in a while.  It's constant.  However, what they don't tell me is where do I draw the line?  What qualifies as good enough without being perfect?  What is the acceptable amount of flaws when it comes to God's best?  Is there an exact science?  A precise ratio where 3 parts perfect and 1 part imperfect magically creates husband material, universally acceptable to society?

The amount of opinions people think they're welcome to give when you're a young, single person tend to escalate the longer you're not in a relationship, and it damages your soul very quickly.  Whether you want it to or not, it already bothers you.  Any public discussion on the matter just turns dreams for a future time into a pit of desperate searching.  It causes you to rush into hasty decisions and relationships you wouldn't have made otherwise, just to get people to stop treating you like "that poor lonely single."

I mean, I googled the word "single", and the first results to pop up were ads for dating sites, like it's a problem to be fixed.  If that doesn't tell you how our world views relationships, I don't know what will. 

All I know is that there is NOTHING wrong with us!  Singleness is not a disease.  It's not a horrifying problem to be solved.  It just means that God knows you can work better as a unit on your own right now.  Maybe someday you'll reach a point where working as a unit with someone else will make more sense.  If that happens, great!  But a relationship should be nothing more than the union of two people who feel they can serve God more effectively together than they can separately.  That's the difference.  It's love with a purpose, not love just for the sake of avoiding judgment and loneliness.  True love should run toward something, not away from something else.

The bottom line is, no matter what the world has to say, I'm just where God wants me right now.  If he wants to change that, he will send me the right guy, at the right time, with the right amount of flaws and perfections to perfectly complement my own.  Someone who will crave a life of ministry, and desire to free this generation in Jesus' name as much as I do.  No outside help needed.  Someone who will pursue my heart with intention, instead of waiting for me to make the first move.  Someone I won't have to lead for once, but who will also appreciate the sense of leadership that God has placed inside me.

Maybe I've met him, maybe I haven't.  Maybe he lives here, maybe somewhere else.  Maybe he doesn't exist, and I'm meant to live like Sherlock, "married to my work."  Whatever ends up happening, I'll be fine.  God has a plan, and that plan is good, with or without a spouse attached.  With or without the approval of those around me.

The point is, if love, in the romantic sense of the word, is something God wants for me, I'll know it when it happens.

As written by L.M. Montgomery...

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."

My Top 16 Most Listened To Artists Of 2016

As a writer, it often helps my concentration to have music playing through my mind while I write.  Different scenes require different moods, so I listen to a lot of varying types of music.  Even when I'm not writing, I have headphones in my ears and I'm dancing around to something.  It's a usual sight in my house.  Or maybe it's playing through a speaker.  Or I'm listening to my record player.  (As a matter of fact, I have music on while I'm writing this post right now.)  Without furthering your inevitable anticipation, in no particular order, here are my most listened to artists of 2016...


1. Carrollton



Tell Me / Let Love Win / Meant To Be / Open Wide

2. Colony House

Lonely / You and I / Waiting For My Time To Come / Silhouettes / Moving Forward

3. Adam Young Scores

These are my favorite albums to put on shuffle when I'm writing 😁

4. Lauren Daigle

How Can It Be / Trust In You / Come Alive / First


5. Ben Rector

Brand New / Follow You / More Like Love / Forever Like That / Note To Self / Almost Home
(Who am I kidding, all of his songs are amazing)


6. Relient K

There are too many to list, but I'm in love with their newest album.  Air For Free is my jam ❤


7. I Am They



From The Day / Awake My Love / We Are Yours / King Of Love


8. Anthem Lights



Unknown / Like The Movies / Be With You / Dear Hollywood
(Ah, the average Christian girl's favorite band of total weirdos.)

9. Jessa Anderson

Fireflies / Giving Your Heart Away / Worship The Lamb / Not Myself Anymore / Whole

10. Rend Collective

My Lighthouse / Every Giant Will Fall / You Will Never Run / Boldly I Approach

11. NEEDTOBREATHE



Multiplied / Brother / Happiness / Testify


12. Owl City



Vanilla Twilight / Back Home / My Everything / Silhouette / Tidal Wave / Up All Night / Wolf Bite
(Just... all of it.  It's Adam Young, king of the awkward introverts!  Come on, I can't just pick a few.)


13. Jamie Grace



Just A Friend / White Boots / Little Ol' Me / Show Jesus


14. TobyMac



Til The Day I Die / Move / Feel It / Me Without You / Made For Me


15. Tenth Avenue North



Worn / What You Want / We Won't Numb The Pain / Losing / Oh My Dear / Control / Afraid
(Yesss, more beloved Christian weirdos.)


16. 513Free



 Weight Of It All / Different / Slide / Beautiful Mystery / Made For More / Letters To God
(This group is fantastic, and they are so much more than a band.  Their new album, Real Thing, is incredible!  Check it out along with their various prison ministries to #BreakTheCycle!)

What are some of your favorite artists and songs from this year?  Let me know in the comments!

10 Ways to Rock NaNoWriMo This Year

What's my favorite time of year, you may ask?  Autumn, without a doubt!  Is it because of Thanksgiving, the leaves changing color, or sweater weather?  Absolutely, I love all of those things.  However, in recent years my love for Fall has grown by leaps and bounds, simply because of one very lovely acronym.

NaNoWriMo...

NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it's basically the novelist version of Christmas.  Every year writers from all over the world embark on a creative journey to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.  It's a whirlwind, to be sure, but it's the most fun whirlwind you'll ever experience in your entire life!  Writing on your own is one thing, and it's very possible to get a lot done that way.  But you will never experience the true beauty of writing until you're up at 1am typing like fire with thousands of other writers across the globe.  It's a sort of magic that can't quite be put into words.

If you make the decision to join me on this crazy wonderful journey this November, I promise you will not regret it.  But, in order to make this the best experience possible, I decided to make a list of tips and tricks I've learned over my four years of experience with this creative mad-dash.  

*Also, a note to teachers and homeschool moms, NaNoWriMo has student kits that can be used to turn it into a classroom activity for English credit.  I did it for a school project two years in a row, and it was incredible!  My whole family is participating this year, and I'm so excited!  Keep reading for more info on that.*

1.  Determine if you want to join the Adult Program or the Young Adult Program.

NaNoWriMo actually has two different websites.  In the Young Adult program, those 17 and younger can sign up and choose their own word count goal for the month of November.  This program also has an option for teachers to sign up their classroom as a group.  That way teachers can track the progress of their students and see if they're keeping up with their goals.  Worksheets are available as well, for curriculum purposes.

Check it out here:  http://ywp.nanowrimo.org/

                       

Once you turn 18, you have to join the Adult program.  But writers younger than 18 can join this program as well.  In the Adult program you can't choose your own word count goal.  The goal for everyone is automatically set to 50,000 words.  Don't be freaked out by that though.  Even if you don't hit that goal, you'll still get a lot of writing done while you try, and that's the point anyway!

Website: http://nanowrimo.org/

2. Sign up and get your novel page set up ASAP!

The sooner you do this, the more time you'll have to think on what you'll be writing about.  Signing up is pretty easy, and it doesn't take a whole lot of time to establish your novel either.  Get it done early and start the month off right!

3. Are you a Planner or a Pantser?  

In other words, are you going to make a detailed plan before you write your novel this year?  Or are you going to fly by the seat of your pants and make it up as you go?  I'm a Pantser all the way.  I find that not knowing what's going to happen next helps me write more from the character's point of view.  Figure out which one you are and prepare accordingly.  Whether you're a planner or a pantser, make sure you print out NaNoWriMo's prep packet!  It has questionnaires and writing tips to help you along the way.   

4. Get yourself a late-night-motivation stash.

Every year one of my favorite ways to prepare for NaNoWriMo is to pick out some of my favorite snacks, candies, and drinks to stock up for those nights when I need a little burst of energy.  Suddenly you'll find yourself very excited to stay up late sticking to your word goal, believe me!  Some of my favorites are things that have a little sugar buzz, but also have a taste that'll keep me awake.  Chai, sparkling water, any type of ginger candy, York peppermint patties, and sour gummies are just a few examples.  Of course, coffee and chocolate covered espresso beans are a plus as well.

5. Find a space.

The hardest thing for me every year isn't figuring out what to write about.  It's figuring out WHERE to write.  It has to be convenient.  Comfortable, but not so much that I fall asleep.  I need access to an electric outlet for my computer.  Close vicinity to coffee is always helpful.  Identify a place where you can write efficiently, and make a mental note of it for when November 1st rolls around.

6. Promise to ignore your inner editor, and MEAN IT.

This one is always ridiculously hard for me.  If I type a sentence and it's not just as it's supposed to be, forcing myself to move on and not correct it is basically torture.  But if I obsess over that one sentence for too long, that takes time away from other scenes I could be writing.  Shoving off that editor in your head is essential if you want to finish on time!

7. Look up lots of writing memes...

You've gotta do something when you hit the procrastination phase of the writing process.

8. Follow NaNoWriMo Word Sprints on Twitter.  DO IT.

Seriously, if you're looking for the best writing motivator ever, follow Word Sprints.  They set up little timed sprints specifically for NaNo writers, and it's a blast!  Just check Twitter, and wait until you see a tweet like "Going for 5 minutes at 3:30".  Once the 5 minutes start, you write as much as you possibly can before time is up.  Then everyone can tweet their word count or a snippet of dialogue.  They often include challenges and writing prompts as well, and since the sprint leader changes up all the time, there's always something new going on.  

My favorite is when they do the #NaNoHouseCup.  For those of you who like Harry Potter, they do word sprints with a Hogwarts theme.  At the end of each time you post your word count along with your house.  They tally them up and announce the winning house for that week.  Then, at the end of the month, the house cup is awarded to the house with the most words written.  It's insanely fun, and I've gotten way better word counts since I started!  (By the way, Ravenclaw won last year.  Wit beyond measure...just saying.)

9. Attend a Write-In

When you sign up for NaNoWriMo there's an option to enter your region, and I strongly suggest you do this.  If you find your region on the list, check to see if there are local meetings and events in your area!  Some regions have kick off parties, special events, and weekly writing sessions.  If you like writing in groups, definitely take advantage of this!  Some events even include prizes, and it's a great way to meet other writers along the way.

10. ENJOY YOURSELF.

The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to be creative, passionate, and "all in" for your novel.  Besides, the reason we start writing in the first place is because we love it so much, so let that shine through!  If you find you're bored, frustrated, or stressed about it, switch it up!  Change the direction of your current story, or maybe change the story altogether.  Just keep breathing and have a good time!

And don't forget, you can catch up on sleep in December *wink*

If you have any questions about NaNoWriMo, feel free to ask!  And let me know if you're planning on accepting the challenge.  Maybe I'll see you at a Write-In this November!

8 Things They Don't Tell You About Working In Youth Ministry

I've been working in youth ministry for a little over five years now.  Since I was a youth myself, actually.  Initially I thought that it wouldn't change my life that much.  I was just starting an acting group for young adults.  I thought that my calling was simply to give teens a place to be themselves.  A place where they could find friendships, build confidence, and grow in a safe environment.  What I didn't realize is that I myself would also find all of those things in the process, and it would totally flip my world upside down.  I've changed more over the past five years than I could ever put into words.  And here are just some of the ways your life might change too if you decide to embark on the journey of youth ministry...

1. Your shopping trips get a whole lot weirder.

Just wait until the day you roll up to the checkout counter with a cart full of Oreos, pool noodles, a pillow, hedge trimmers, googly eyes, hula hoops, 12 liters of soda, clearance Christmas lights, and a pack of diapers, and try to explain it to the cashier.  This is just an example, but believe me when I say that this is totally realistic.  That's not even the craziest part.  The craziest part is that all of those things could be for just ONE GAME.  But that's just how your brain will start to work when it comes to youth night entertainment.


2. Unexpected vocabulary words.

You'll suddenly find yourself using words and phrases on a daily basis that you had barely even used once beforehand.  Some that have appeared on my daily use list are...

- suicide
- self-harm or cutting
- divorce
- depression
- anxiety
- pornography

...and so much more.  These words will spin through your head everyday.  But for the first time in your life there will be a face, maybe multiple faces, to match each one.  This will very quickly begin pulling on your heart strings, messing with your soul, and having you crying out to God more often than you ever thought you would.


3. You'll notice things.

You'll suddenly find yourself praying for that random guy in the grocery story because you saw him tugging at his long sleeves even though it's warm outside.  Instead of seeing her laughter, for that one particular girl you'll take a mental note of the sadness behind her eyes.  You'll read far more than just expressions, and hear more than just words.  This sixth sense will become more attuned with time, telling you when anyone in the vicinity is struggling.


4. Your joy will come from very abnormal places.

A young girl just told you her parents are separating, and you feel like leaping inside because she's finally comfortable enough with you to talk about her struggles.  You freak out because you know it's one more step toward healing for her.  You'll get excited over that one kid wearing a short-sleeved shirt in public, because you know he's been cutting lately and this is a sign of trust.  You'll celebrate over ripped up sheets of paper, because you know they were suicide notes that will never be read.  You'll look at your empty wallet and smile, because that money was spent going out to coffee with a teen whose life is falling apart, and it was the first time you'd seen them laugh in ages.  You'll find out that one of your students just started counseling because they want to quit their porn addiction, and you'll feel like maybe God really can move mountains.  Suddenly, the word 'joy' takes on a whole new meaning.  It's like little samples of Heaven right here on earth.


5. Miracles become the norm.

If I tried to tell you every single miracle I've seen in the last five years, we would be here for a very long time.  I could write a novel and still not cover it all.  Praying for cash we needed for a performance... we find $20 in an empty parking lot.  About a month later, more expenses for the same performance, my dad and brother watch in awe as a $50 floats down the street and comes to a gentle landing right where their vehicle is parked.  Satan once tried to destroy a show by causing one of our actors to get into a car accident in the parking lot of our venue only ONE HOUR before people were supposed to start arriving.  The car was totaled, but the actor came out of it with barely a scratch.  In fact, that particular actor even ended up performing that night.  At that same show we thought we had enough food to feed maybe 100 people, so when over 300 showed up we were positive we'd run out of supplies.  Every time we thought we'd pulled the last pie from the kitchen, a new one would be found somewhere else.  We left that day with food to spare!  An actual loaves and fish situation right before our eyes, and the audience had no clue.  One time I was praying about whether or not I should get a second job to help pay for TAG expenses.  Only a couple days later someone randomly walked up to my mom at church and handed her a hundred dollar bill, saying "It's for TAG."  There are plenty more stories I could tell, but that's another blog post for another day.  Just know that God will not leave you hanging.  If he wants something to happen, nothing is going to stop Him.


6. Not acting your age isn't such a bad thing.

I've always loved wearing character tees.  Shirts with Disney cartoons, superheroes, and other classics are usually my go-to when it comes to expressing myself.  I just love it!  Thanks to youth ministry, buying "adult clothes" isn't as necessary.  Now, when I start to feel guilt over buying yet another Captain America t-shirt, I get to rationalize by saying it's an easy way to relate to the teens and help them feel comfortable.  Plus, I'm a theatre director.  Adulting is more of a hindrance than a help in my line of work anyway.  Just sayin... ;)


7. If you don't know your opinion on something, you will.

Believe me, if you're looking for a fast way to find out how you feel about something, become a counselor.  The more I give out advice, the more I learn about myself and my stance in this world.  Sometimes I have to do research on a topic teens come to me asking questions about, and it's usually because they told me about a problem I didn't even know existed in the first place.  I can now say that I know what God's word says on these topics, and I know where I stand.


 8. Brokenness is not only ok, it's welcomed with open arms.

Or, it should be.  Unfortunately, the youth group at my church didn't feel this way for me.  That wasn't necessarily the fault of the leaders, but the fault of the specific teens who attended.  There were a lot of stereotypical "popular kids" that went to my youth group, and the few friends who stuck with me didn't feel comfortable there at all.  It's not a good place to be when you're hiding from bullies in the house of God.  I went to the same church most of my life, and yet every week when I arrived at youth group a leader would see me sitting alone, approach me, and ask if I was new.  Then I had the embarrassing task of telling them I had been going to church there for 8+ years, and was only sitting by myself because the one friend I had wasn't there that night.  Girls like me just didn't fit.  Not all youth groups are like this, mind you.  I actually ended up switching to a much smaller youth group at a different church for the last two years of high school, and it was lovely!  I made some incredible friendships.  But after that change of scenery, I made it my goal to make sure that my ministry never felt like a charity case for misfits.  No halting at surface level conversations.  Every time I walk into that room every week and see all the young adults with differing stories and life situations, I'm in awe.  Different churches, different schools, different lives.  Whether they're socially awkward, a little bit arrogant, or somewhere in between.  I see ADD, ADHD, PTSD, and a variety of other acronyms.  But what do we all have in common?  We all love Jesus, we've all felt lonely, and we don't want others to feel the same way.  Simple as that.  Simply, honestly, wonderfully beautiful.  And it's all evidence that God's planning is way better than mine could ever be.  I call it the "No TAGer left behind" policy.


When you decide to get involved in youth ministry, your life will be turned upside down.  You'll find yourself getting hit with wave after wave of trials, because satan doesn't like loyal servants of the King.  In fact, he despises us.  He's made it his goal to take us out one by one, and it's extremely personal.  But each new experience with darkness will just help your light glow stronger.  Never let your fire go out, my brothers and sisters.  Keep shining on!  Light your lamps with the refreshing oil of God's Holy Word, and allow faith to be your foundation.  I can't promise you it will be easy, but after five years of absolute crazy I can definitely tell you that it's worth it.

Keep pressing on.  Trust me.  If God has something up his sleeve, it's something you're gonna want to be a part of.

Most importantly, never stop believing that you're here for a purpose.  Once you believe that about yourself, it will be infinitely easier to believe it about your teens.  And please believe me when I say that's a message they desperately need to hear right now.  When you get involved with youth ministry, you're helping the next generation make the world a better place.  Don't stop.  I promise, you won't regret it.

A Walk In My Shoes: What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

As many of you know, I have struggled with having anxiety for a large portion of my life.  Anxiety comes in many forms, has many sources, and can come with many different symptoms.  My personal struggle is Social Anxiety, which started after several emotionally and mentally traumatic experiences with bullying and rejection.  It's not nearly as severe as many other cases are, but still impacts my daily life.

Allow me to give you a look inside my mind.


First of all Social Anxiety makes many normal tasks more difficult simply because they draw attention in some way.  Things like this make me extremely uncomfortable, and actually cause me to stress and freak out if I'm having a bad enough day.  For example...

To most people this probably sounds like a ridiculous scenario.  I, on the other hand, read this and reacted by my brain shouting "yes, someone understands!"  Other scenarios include...

Just in case a little definition would help you, here are some explanations of Social Anxiety specifically:

People with Social Anxiety have a variety of coping mechanisms to get through situations that make us uncomfortable.  These coping mechanisms can be a good indicator of whether or not someone you know has anxiety.

There are several specific things that bother people with anxiety.  Mostly just the fact that we know we shouldn't be afraid, but can't stop the emotion anyway.  Some other things would be...

Just know that, despite my anxiety, I really am trying my best.  Anxiety is the reason I know God is constantly working in my life.  I'm a drama teacher for crying out loud!  Not many people with Social Anxiety can say that they actually get excited to direct a group of teenage actors every week.  But, believe it or not, my anxiety actually has the least amount of impact on me when I'm acting and directing.  It's like I'm a different person, and I know that's God working through me.

I'll leave you with a couple notes.  If you know someone, or multiple someones with Social Anxiety, here are some things to keep in mind.  Just love on us.  Know that we have quirks, and we might not want to be daring all the time.  But, when we do, we'll tell you!  And even if we don't, we still love you!  Don't mistake our quiet tendencies for weakness, anger, or a stuck up attitude.  Often times we have a lot to say, but are quiet because we haven't figured out how to say it yet.

My Prayer For Him...

Hello, ladies and gents!

I am totally blown away!  Usually my posts get, on average, about 50-80 views.  Sometimes as low as 30.  You know that last post about the Nice Guys?  276...  You heard me.

TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX.

Guys, that's insane!  Not only that, but my blog has had consistent views every single day, which has never happened before.  Thank you all so much for actually taking an interest in the random ramblings that go through my mind!  I never actually thought that people would read my stuff, but I guess that's how I know God's the one giving me words.  He's so good!

And, since that post obviously hit home with quite a few people, it actually gave me some inspiration. On that note, I'll get to the point of this post so I can explain :)

So, lately I've been writing song lyrics.  I've always liked music, and I have songs going through my head on the daily.  But I've never really written songs before.  Suddenly, over the past few months, I have new songs pop into my head constantly.

It's never a full song.  More like bits and pieces of different lyrics that could possibly fit together.  But still.  I usually jot them down in my journal and, if I have time, sing the tune into the audio recorder on my iPod.

Well, as fate would have it, around a few weeks ago I came to a realization.  I wanted a better way to remember to pray for my future husband, because I had been feeling like I wasn't praying for him enough and didn't know how to change that.  Every time I sat down to pray the words just wouldn't come.  There was so much to cover, and so many other things on my mind.  Usually when this happens I try to find a song with similar lyrics to what I'm trying to pray for, and then I sing.  Adding music helps me concentrate, and I feel more in the moment with God.  That's when my search began, to find a song that I could sing to pray for my hubby.

The only problem was, as many Christian songs as there are about waiting for marriage and "what she wants in a Godly man", I couldn't find a single one that specifically prayed for the guy.  I was surprised to say the least.

So...in the course of two days, I wrote one for myself.

It's the first song I've ever finished all the way through, and I sing it almost every day now.  It constantly directs my heart to pray for that man that God is saving for me.  I'm not sure if I'll ever post a video of me singing this song, because I'm an introvert with anxiety and singing in front of a camera doesn't mix well with those things.  But for now I wanted to at least post the lyrics that God so clearly placed on my heart, just in case other girls needed a simple way to pray as well.  Ok, well, no more stalling...  This is "My Prayer For Him."

There's a name written on my heart

I'm not sure how many letters

Or even where it starts

But, God, there's something that I have to say

Whether I meet him next week

Or I know him today

You see, forever is a long time

And only You can make it right

That's why I wanted to pray

(Chorus)

I pray he stands up in the face of the lions

Trusting you won't let him 

Stand there alone

When the weight of the world's on his shoulders

I pray he rests in your strength

Instead of bearing it all on his own

I pray he never gives up

Gives in to love

And believe even when hope is dim

This is my prayer for him

He won't be perfect, I  know

We've all got heavy burdens

And pasts to let go

So, Lord, give me patience and grace

To love him like you

On the good and bad days

I just need to trust you

Set my heart on what's true

Even when life starts to rain

- Chorus -

This is my prayer for...

(Bridge)

His trials and his heartaches

When life is more than he can take

And when he's facing a closed door

Even when he's close to you

In joyfulness and solitude

Just let him know he's prayed for

- Chorus -

There's a name written on his heart

It's spelled just like mine

Though he has no clue where it starts

Loving me isn't quite so easy

That's why I've come to you

And I'm down on my knees

I'll just keep on serving you

Like I always strive to do

Until two become one out of three

And meanwhile, meanwhile

Maybe he's praying for me

Father, this is my prayer.  Keep his heart and mind filled with your presence.  Help him to fight for purity, live for truth, and stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.  I pray that his eyes see the good, and that when he finds darkness his first response would be to get on his knees and talk to you.  I pray for a warrior straight out of Ephesians, clothed in your armor, that he would not hesitate before charging into battle by my side.  Give him courage to face the demons, and the determination to overcome them.  Most of all, I pray that you would grow me and mold me into a woman that kind of man would want to pursue.  Help us to see you in each other, and to take every opportunity to give you glory in our triumphs and shortcomings.  All I desire is to love you more every day.  Teach me to love like you.

Amen.

 

Here's To The Nice Guys

 

You've heard it said in various circles...  "Nice guys finish last."  They've told you in order to get the girl you need to have an edge.  Take a walk on the wild side and keep the ladies guessing.  "Face it, girls only like the bad boys," they say.  And at this point you gentlemen are wondering why you even clicked on this blog.

Hang in there.  I'm here to prove those people wrong.

By the way, I should probably mention that, yes, I am a female.  Hi there...hello.  I tend to write a lot of posts geared toward my fellow gal pals, so if you're a dude and it's your first time on my blog, welcome!  This one's especially for you.  And if you've ever related to the "nice guy" label, keep reading.  I have something to say.  But, first, I have some apologies to make on behalf of our generation.

First of all, nice guys, I'm sorry you're so underappreciated.  You treat girls with respect, opening doors and pulling out chairs.  You're the listening ear, and the shoulder to cry on.  You endure the ups and downs of our emotional minds for the sake of friendship.  And instead of getting a thank you note, you get a speech about female empowerment and how we're so independent.  I beg you, be a gentleman anyway.  Listen, some girls just don't get it.  As young women, we've grown up in a society that shoves feminism down our throats.  We're told that we need to be only our own in order to make it in this world.  But, the truth is, we like your kindness.  If a woman doesn't appreciate a gesture of gentlemanly behavior, they aren't the type of woman you want to hang around anyway.  In a culture that tears down every ounce of old fashioned charm and class, please, bring chivalry back!

Second, I'm sorry that the world is so opinionated.  Lies like "boys are only after one thing," and "chivalry is dead" seem to be universally accepted at this point, and it paints a horrible portrait for those men who are actually trying to do what's right.  Because of this, girls approach the opposite sex with unbidden whispers of caution humming through the back of our minds.  Generalizations surround you before you even get the chance to speak.  You're told that having no control over your mind and body is natural, and that you shouldn't even try to change it.  This is the part I'm the most saddened by.  No one should be told that they can't better themselves.  No one should be told they can't find pure, innocent, God-given love.

Third and lastly, I'm sorry you feel like you have to hide who you are.  Guys who show emotion are bullied, and either told they should man up, or they should question their gender identity.  Girls can cry through a book or at a movie theater, even during commercials sometimes, and not be questioned.  If a guy sheds a tear in any situation, they're automatically made to feel like there's something wrong with them.  I'm sorry we've reached a point in our culture that looks at men who express themselves through music, theatre, or dancing, and automatically wonders if they're gay.  I know this is true, because some of the students I've met have been bullied about this in school.  Some of them even started believing it, and it's totally changed their lives.  I'm sorry you're made to feel like depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts are only things that girls deal with.  It's just not true.  You're not alone.  I promise you, there are plenty of guys who deal with these issues.  I've counseled them before.  The only reason these problems seem more uncommon in the male realm is because all of you are made to feel like you can't talk about it.  It's not right.  Problems are not gender exclusive.

Ok, good.  Glad to get that off of my chest.  Now that the apologies are out in the open, I have some things to tell you.  You ready?


These.  Lies.  Don't.  Define.  You.


There, I said it!  The words that everyone is afraid for you to hear, because they know you'll change the world if you did.

You want the honest truth?  Guys are being used and abused right now like never before.  Do you want an example?  Growing up, the world feeds you exactly what is "normal" for a man to be.  They tell you that you can't control yourself, so why try?  Those lies are why prostitution is one of the top moneymakers in the world, why pornography can be seen pretty much everywhere (even store windows at the mall).  Think about this...

Have you ever considered how strange it is that everyone is told those urges and cravings are normal, and yet the very people defining what's normal happen to be making billions of dollars to satisfy those cravings?  And that's just one example!

So I repeat...

THESE LIES DON'T DEFINE YOU.

Guys, no matter what you do, how you live, the world will always have something to say.  This goes for girls too.  Our lies might sound different, but we're fed just as many lies as you are.  Listen, I believe that the "Nice Guys" are the leaders that God is going to use to set an example for men and women alike.  That means he's going to use you.  That's right, YOU.  The guy who's in the background, who does what's right (often without being noticed), who puts others first and wears his heart on his sleeve.  I don't care what others say.  You are appreciated, you are seen, and you are loved just as you are!  Please, don't sell yourself short and give up on your quest for kindness just because the world tells you kindness is weak.

In the Bible, it is very clear that everyone is created just as they are for a purpose, flaws and all.  Read it through.  You'll find that strength is found in weakness, and selflessness is a source of overflowing joy.  You'll find that some of the most prominent followers of Christ were extremely emotional.  David, a man after God's own heart, was a poet and a musician!  He poured his heart out in beautiful verse.  Moses was a shy guy who didn't even trust himself to speak.  Take a look, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that the lines the world has been feeding you are far from the truth.

So this is my encouragement to you...

Show compassion.  Express yourself.  Be messy, and genuine, and honest.  Live bravely in kindness and purity.  Stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.  Lead by serving.  Know that it's ok to be weak sometimes.  Follow in God's footsteps, no matter what judgments the world might send your way.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, but be willing to learn from them.  Laugh too hard when you're filled with joy, weep when you feel broken, and pray either way.  Know that it's stronger to lean on God than to stand on your own.

And when it comes to us, the good girls who feel totally outnumbered and alone, know that we exist.  We've been waiting our whole lives for a guy like you to knock on our door, and we'll continue waiting right here until you do.  We don't want you to be anything but absolutely yourself.  We've been praying for you since we first learned to speak, and in those prayers we've asked God to spare you from the lies of our broken culture.

Please, don't give up.  Don't give in.

So, here's to the Nice Guys.  Other people in your life will call you that as an insult, hoping to bring you down to their level and get you to join the bandwagon they all joined long ago.  But, to the right people, especially the right girl, that label will turn into a complement of the highest order.  Wait for her. And while you're waiting, trust in God, love life, and be yourself. Find your purpose and chase after it with every ounce of energy and talent you have. Get creative! And when she's supposed to enter your life, she will love that purpose just as much as you do.

You're loved by God, and there truly are young ladies who are extremely thankful men like you exist. So... Thank you.

Sincerely,

A "Good Girl"

The Weight of the World

(Warning, there's a lot of reality below)

I'm not sure why I'm blogging today, or what I'll even write about...

Lately I can't help feeling like my home is falling apart.  I'm falling apart with it.  I keep reading quote after quote about trusting God, and I desperately want to.  But with each passing day I find that my faith isn't as strong as I wanted it to be.  Reading my Bible gets harder and harder.  I'm journaling more and more.  I'm annoyed with sunshine, and only seem to find comfort when it's raining, like today.  On the upside, my prayer life has never been so active.  Although most of it is just me asking why things aren't changing.

Songs like "Silhouette" by Owl City have become my go-to music of choice.  I know everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, but that reason is clouded in many shadows.  I know the more depressed and upset I allow myself to get, the more satan gets the upper hand.  But I don't know how to change it.  I'm in the center of a tornado.  I myself am doing alright, but everything around me is chaos.  And all I can think to do is write, sleep, and whisper to God for comfort, not necessarily in that order.

I know that this is all happening because my family is heavily involved in ministry.  As soon as we started this new project, I knew we were all in for (to replace a more accurate word that I would rather not use) one heck of a trip.  I just had no clue how bad it would actually get.  All around me walls are falling to the ground; walls that have taken lifetimes to build.  It's shattering me.

What's worse is everyone else involved in this project is experiencing the same thing.  Everyday I find out about another life that's falling to pieces.  Another world that shifting on it's axis, causing earthquakes all around.  Another change that's just too much to take.

We're worn.  We're damaged.  We're barely walking.

And yet God is relying on us to bear the weight of this story?  This stream of events and problems that are way beyond our understanding?  Or... at least they used to be.

Wow...

Maybe that's it.  In this film, this movie we're destroying ourselves to create, we cover a multitude of teenage problems.  Anxiety, depression, divorcing parents, self-harm, suicide, bullying, death and loss, addiction, pornography, and more.

Every single one of these topics has been experienced by our cast and crew over the past two months.  These are the very topics that are tearing us to shreds.  The tools and temptations that the devil has been using to turn our souls.  And here we are.

Talk about accurate portrayal.

We relate to these characters more than we realize, I think.  In this process, these characters have been our traveling companions.  And these characters will end up discovering what we have just been learning ourselves...

We cannot rely on ourselves to heal.

We can't even rely on each other.

The only One we can rely on to remove our tinted goggles, and reveal the true view of grace and love beyond, is the only One who's capable of doing it in the first place.

God.

In the past we've had other awful roads in order to reach positive results.  Some of the greatest points of impact this group has ever made were the projects that we "just wanted to get through."  Why would God allow this movie to be any different?  If the journey didn't carry so much pain, would we come out as close as our cast and crew have become?  Isn't it worth it when God is a god who can give our struggles purpose?

And maybe, just maybe, when people leave the theater after seeing this film, they'll come up to us and say we made a difference.  And if that happens maybe we'll be able to say, with tears of joy and humble hearts, that nothing in that film was of our own ability.  We'll listen to their stories of pain and brokenness, and actually be able to relate.  We'll introduce them to the real director of this film, and weep together as they get to know who Jesus is.  And maybe, for those who open up to us, they'll find that their night at the movies turned out to feel a lot more like church.  And maybe they'll walk to their cars with a weightlessness they've never experienced before.

And maybe, because of our struggles, they'll leave the theater that day bound for Heaven.

Isn't that why we're in this world in the first place?

Or have I forgotten that life isn't about me...

Maybe those walls that have been falling all around me are coming to ruin so that God can plant a garden in its place...


Father, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  When will I ever learn that Your plan is so much bigger than me?  When will I stop pretending that my very small knowledge, my three feet of spiritually nearsighted vision, is all that there is?  If You're an ocean, I'm a single drop of rain.  If You're the sky and the stars, I'm a feeble paper kite, trying my best to reach you but failing all the time.  If You're soaked into the depths of the earth, I am a blade of grass growing in your love, here today and gone tomorrow.  If You make up everything, I'm nothing at all.

But that's why you sent your Son to die on the cross.  I don't have to be nothing anymore.  You gave up Your everything so I could have a chance to be a little bit of something.

Knowing that, how could I possibly look at life with anything but wonder and awe?

You see my brokenness.  You see me when I'm invisible.  You always have.  You tell me it's ok to feel the way I do, but that I shouldn't worry.  You will never leave me or forsake me.

And the same goes for everyone else.

Omnipresent, eternally loving, unconditionally forgiving, Giver of life and light, Abba, Friend, Lover of my soul.  I have no reason to be afraid when you walk beside me.  So why do I tremble?

This film has been personally commissioned by the Creator of the universe.  Lord, You hold each scene, each crew and cast member, each individual moment in the palm of Your hand.  You have seen the end result.

You have already won.

I'm so done with being kicked while I'm down.  We're already bruised, bloodied, and struggling to get our lungs to inflate.  Then the devil hits us with another wave.  But it will not last.  The floodwaters will subside as soon as we've been strengthened enough to stand.  This is the cocoon; the refining fire that will brush away the ashes and leave us new creation.

You have a plan.  At the end of this we will be one step closer to who You are, and all the struggles will make sense.  All I ask is that, until then, you hold my hand.  Lead me in the way you want me to go.  I need a map, Lord.  Right now I'm turning every which way, but nothing looks familiar.  Show me where to walk, and I will.

Better yet, show all of us so that we can walk together.  Unified.  One team with one purpose, glorifying the One who gives us breath and revives us every morning.  That is our cause.

The prince of evil has no power.  His demons will not prevail.  YOU alone, Jesus, have victory!  And this time will be no different.  There's an entire book of stories proving it's true.  Every word of the Bible shows us the miraculous power of your mercy.

Keep opening our eyes to the truth.

100 Things I'm Thankful For...

This list was much harder to write than I thought it would be, and I'm not going to explain why I did it until the end.  You're just going to have to bear with me.  So, without further ado...

1. Quiet nights

2. The color blue

3. Possibilities

4. The ability to simply be

5. Relient K

6. The moment of calm after taking a deep breath

7. Rainy days

8. Sunday morning worship

9.  Fuzzy beanies

10. Every single thing about books

11. Tea

12. Peaceful mornings

13. Growing closer while laughing with my family

14. Growing closer after arguing with my family

15. Concerts that feel like church

16. Chocolate

17. Windy afternoons

18. Wading through a cold stream on a hot day

19. Seeing the glory of God everywhere

20. Random acts of kindness

21. The way someone's eyes look like 4th of July when talking about their passions

22. Sweaters

23. Being able to start over

24. Photographs (the printed kind)

25. Dreams for the future

26. Personal expression

27. Finding a word that perfectly describes how I feel

28. Old fashioned diners

29. Classic movie musicals

30. Creativity

31. Theatre nicknames, and the memories behind them

32. Social ballroom dances with friends

33. My imagination

34. God's unconditional love

35. Quaint shops

36. Finding something new to love

37. Being instantly swept into the pages of a new novel

38. Kindred spirits

39. Prayer

40. Pens and paper

41. The first step back on stage during tech week of a play

42. Bethany Dillon

43. Interesting characters that come to life in my head

44. Reaching the end of a hard road

45. Worship and prayer sessions in my car

46. Sleep

47. Opportunities to serve others

48. God's provision

49. Spontaneous day trips

50. Being half way through this list

51. Pinterest

52. Hugs

53. My Bible

54. Penny wishes in public fountains

55. Breathtaking watercolor skies

56. Exceeded expectations

57. Music

58. Playing a character on stage that is totally different than me

59. Steve Rodgers

60. The clarity that comes after a long journaling session

61. Hot showers

62. The moment when I know something was God, and can't stop smiling

63. Learning something new about myself

64. Photobooths

65. Long, handwritten letters

66. Bookstores

67. Happening upon a Bible verse that speaks right to my current situation

68. The feeling of finally dominating a new dance trick

69. Pain that makes me stronger

70. Beautiful hilltop views

71. Seeing new places

72. God staying with me through every situation

73. Getting new glasses and being able to see

74. Food

75. Living in a part of the world where Culver's exists

76. My dog

77. Long walks

78. The first time I feel my heart beginning to heal

79. Falling in love with who God made me to be all over again

80. Dancing and worshiping the Lord in the pouring rain on my driveway

81. Late night ice cream after a long day

82. Not having to have everything figured out

83. Loving someone despite their flaws

84. Being loved despite my flaws

85. Loving a God who has no flaws

86. New experiences

87. Glass-bottled sodas

88. Heartfelt conversations

89. Reaching the end of a big project

90. Reaching the beginning of a new project

91. Days at home by myself

92. Days surrounded by friends

93. Inspiring ministries that spread the Light

94. Christian radio stations

95. Meeting new people who are passionate about the same things

96. Dances with an equal guy to girl ratio (very rare, but they do exist)

97. The smell of old books

98. Knowing that God has a plan

99. People who call everything an adventure

And finally...

100. I'm thankful for still being able to write a list of things I'm thankful for, even on a really horrible day (just like my day was today).

You see, it's not our circumstances that should dictate whether or not we give thanks to God for all that we're blessed with.  Thankfulness is a trait we should emit even on our worst days.  In fact, in hard times it's even more important, because this is when satan will fight to make us feel low and unloved.  Don't let him.  Show him that God is good, and that you know what side you're on.  And show him by defiantly listing off all the ways your thankful, despite how badly you just want to complain.

All day I've been asking why... Why is my life where it is right now?  Why are these certain things happening to me?  Why can't I seem to do anything right?  But then I realized the only way to turn my day around was to ask a different question...

What can I do to give God praise when my circumstances are less than ideal?

Trust.  Be still.  And know that He is God.

Thankfulness.

Not easy, but worth it.  Yes, very worth it.